Original subtitles

Hundred, one hundred one.

Ready or not, Mimi. Here I come.

Hmm.

Are you in... here?

[squeals] No.

Or... here?

No. You're good but you're not that good.

Tell me, am I warm?

I'm sorry, did you say something? I can't hear you.

Uh, too clever for that, are you?

Alright. I give up.

I win, I win. I win again.

[laughing]

And I lose.

What's my punishment, Mimi?

"Spanking machine," he said with all the hope

of a young boy at Christmas.

Well, my turn to hide.

[telephone ringing]

Damn. Okay, but you gotta hide quick.

One, two, three

[telephone ringing]

Four, five, six

seven, eight, nine, ten.

This better be important.

You what?

I told you, all of Wick's orders are going through me now.

The memo said he wants all the mannequins

replaced with giant troll dolls.

No. No, don't call Mr. Wick.

He-he doesn't have time for games.

(Nigel) 'I'm hiding. Come and find me.'

Gotta go.

Oh, gee. I wonder where he could be?

Oh, hmm.

- There he is. I've got you. - Ah!

[laughing]

Oh, I know.

How about a round of...

...guess-what-you're-touching?

I'll go get the blindfold.

Actually, Mimi...

...we have to talk.

First...

...I'd like to thank you for letting me recuperate here

after my brush with death during that terrible, terrible storm.

I trust that it'll be kept quiet.

Oh, it's our secret, sir.

Is the store ready to reopen?

Oh, no. Not yet.

It-it's still in ruins.

They need me.

Which is good because I feel better.

I'm ready to resume the responsibility

of rebuilding a major department store.

Now, where are my big boy pants?

Well, I knew this day would come, sir.

I'll just go, get your pants.

[rumbling]

Ah! What's that?

I don't know. It kinda sounded like thunder, don't it?

Oh.

[rumbling]

Yeah, yeah. It must've been thunder, 'cause...

- Oh. - That's the lightning.

Oh, dear. I hope it's not a big storm.

Oh, it's a doozy out there.

Well, here's your pants.

- Bye, bye. - No. No.

No, please, for the love of godmother

please let me stay a little longer.

Oh. Well, whatever you think's best.

♪ Ah ah ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with their crimson lips ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Ohio ♪

[instrumental music]

Hurry up, Drew. We're gonna be late for the game.

If I make this shot, I'm king of the world.

Yes! Yippee!

I'm king of the world.

Oh. How pathetic was that?

Hey. Nicki called.

She said she's coming over any minute.

How do I look?

Hmm, let me see.

What a real estate woman with no interest

in you, prefer? Hmm.

Hey. I may not be dating her now but this is no ordinary sweater.

- Mm? - It's my lucky sweater.

It got me a Maybe and a What the hell?

It's three in the morning, let's go.

Hurry up. Come on, we're late.

Wait.

We can't go in together because they're gonna know

that we're sleeping together.

Oh. How are they gonna know?

Because you got that big, stupid grin on your face.

I do not.

Okay. Oh, my God.

Well, why don't we just tell them

we're dating and get it over with.

- No, nobody should know. - Nobody should know.

I told that to B. O. Betty in the six grade.

Are you ashamed of me?

Sometimes, but not about this. Go like that.

[sniffles] Like that.

Stop. God.

Alright, alright.

We'll tell 'em when we're ready.

We won't have to. We've got each other's clothes on!

Oh, my God! I hope I'm not wearing your underwear.

- 'Cause I like it. - Switch quick, switch shirts.

Hey. Belly contest.

Ah.

I win the talent portion.

Hey. Kate, quick.

Nicki's coming.

Sweater on or sweater off?

Does she like grandpas?

Sweater off.

[door knocking]

Hey, Nicki.

You've been working out?

Uh, a little bit.

Does it show? Ah...

Drew, your-your shirt's a little wet.

Ahem, why...

...yes it is.

I'll just go change.

- Ahem, ahem. - Don't worry about it.

I just dropped by to tell you...

...I won't be bothering you any more

your new neighbors are moving in tomorrow

and my job here is done.

So, thanks again for everything.

Oh, so I guess I can't use my regular method

of wearing you down slowly, so, uh, here goes.

I think that you and I should go out. I am a nice guy.

I really am working at getting back in shape.

Drew, pizza's here?

- Ahem. - I didn't order any pizza.

I got three hot, lover's specials here

that say you did, Slug-O.

I ordered them. Pay the man.

Hey, uh, listen Larry, I don't mind you crashin' here

while you look for a job but you gotta get your own meals, huh.

Oh and who made ice cubes last night?

- Ahem. - By the way, nice pits.

Uh, alright. Hey, I'll pay for it.

Never afraid to pick up a check

friends will tell you that.

Oh, man. I forgot to go to the bank.

- Uh, um... - Uh, here. I got it.

Oh, you don't have to do that. My friends will pick it up.

Hey, anybody got 20 bucks?

Uh, I've got four bucks.

- I got a button. - I got a marble.

I got a marble.

[tapping]

See? I have to.

It's either this or watch one of the dead-end kids here

cold-cock the old man for the pie.

Well, uh, at least let me got to the ATM

and I'll-I'll pay you back by taking you to lunch.

Oh, I don't have much time but... well.

[telephone ringing]

Hold that Yes, huh?

Hello?

What?

Mr. Wick really said that?

But it's a Saturday.

Alright. Be right in.

Hey, wanna see where I work?

Sorry, Drew, I guess it's just wasn't meant to be.

But we'll always have...

...this awkward moment together. Bye.

Damn it. I was so close.

What the hell is wrong with Mr. Wick?

Nobody's seen him for weeks.

He's sending all these crazy memos.

And now, he wants you to work on the weekends?

You know at DrugCo. if you work on a Saturday

they let you play in the mutant room.

Here, you wanna see a picture of me

riding a Monkapotamus?

(Drew) 'Well, I'm here.'

Happy Saturday, everybody.

Yeah, we know you're here.

We heard your hooves clicking down the hallway.

Oh, Mimi, somebody put graffiti all over you.

Sure was brave of that kid to climb

all the way up there, though.

I'm glad you like it because...

...here's yours.

What? I'm not wearing that.

I'm not a billboard.

I'm thinking you wanna rephrase that.

Out of my way. I'm gonna talk to Mr. Wick right now.

- No. No. No, you can't. - Why not?

He's at the doctor's...

...men's stuff. You wouldn't know.

You're hiding something.

Who's coming up with all these ideas?

The memos from Mr. Wick.

Signed by his own hand.

And that would be?

Mr. Wick's idea. He loves troll dolls.

Oh, he does, does he?

Well, let me tell you, uh

just when he gets done with his meeting with, uh, Mrs. Louder

just tell him, I wanna see him.

Oh, he can't. He's gonna be in with her all day.

Ha!

You didn't say anything about a meeting with Mrs. Louder.

You said, he was stuck in a traffic jam.

He-he is. A traffic jam on the way to the meeting.

Ha!

You didn't say anything about a traffic jam.

You said he was at the doctor.

I'm gonna call the board about this.

[grunts] No. No.

- 'You can't call the board.' - Why not?

Because Mr. Wick, specifically, you know...

...uh, wrote a memo saying you can't call the board.

Oh, you're pathetic.

Well, you're fired.

[chuckles] What is this?

Another one of Wick's phony memos.

Oh, no. This one's for real.

He had them made up for everybody so he could fire

people even if he had laryngitis.

Security. Third floor. Operation Luau.

Come and get the pig. This is not a drill.

What have you done with Wick, Mimi? Where is he?

How should I know?

You're not getting away with this, Bobek.

I'm gonna find out what did you did with Wick?

Alright, alright.

I'm leaving, okay?

You know, I've worked here for 10 years.

At least let me leave like a man.

Gentlemen, ladies.

Good day.

Lewis?

We wanna tell you something before we tell Drew.

Shoot.

Kate and I are dating.

You mean, dating, dating?

Hmm-mm.

Doing full-on couple stuff?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

[clanking]

I'm very happy for you.

Although, I gotta tell you, I don't think

Drew's gonna take it as good as I did.

Okay. There he is. It's now or never.

Drew. Maybe, this isn't the best time to tell you--

Maybe, it's not the best time to tell me.

Maybe, it's not the best time to tell me!

You know what's just happened to me today?

I just got fired! By Mimi!

So, let me just see if it's the best time to tell me.

[gasps] Oh, look. My watch is broken.

Must have happened when they tossed me out on the curb.

So give me your big news baby.

Just toss it right down the middle.

The Monkapotamus is dead. I'm sorry.

Oh, now, the Monkapotamus is dead.

That's just it!

Mimi can't fire you.

It was a memo from Wick.

I'm beginning to think she's done something to him.

- You mean, like killed him? - Oh, no. I don't think that.

But she did say all the memos were signed

with Wick's own hand.

Ah! Signed with Wick's own hand.

[gasps]

Hold on. Mimi wouldn't kill Mr. Wick.

It's like Drew killing Ben or Jerry.

Hey, Larry, almost didn't recognize you

not eating my food.

Got any rent money?

Ah. This oughta be enough.

Enough? It's my whole mortgage payment.

So, make it out to Ohio savings.

Where did you get that kind of money?

I've been selling my hair.

Ah, he must be loaded.

Uh-oh. Drew.

'Who's the last person you wanna see'

'when you're sitting in a bar getting drunk'

'cause you're out of work?

Chad Everett.

Oh, man. Nicki.

I looked like a loser when I couldn't pay for that pizza.

I'll be dammed if I'm gonna look like a loser now.

Should we order his comfort food now?

No need, they do it automatically

whenever he talks to a woman in here.

Oh.

Hi, Nicki.

Just wanted to give you back that pizza money

because Drew Carey...

...six, seven, eight, nine...

...is no...

...75, 80, 85, 90, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99...

...loser.

Thanks, Drew. Now I can go to the arcade.

Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink 'cause...

...baby you have no idea, how much change

these pants can hold?

Hey, Drew. The waiter will trade his cash for food stamps.

For a couple of out of work drinkers like us...

...manna from heaven.

[laughing]

Oh, I'm sorry. You're trying to score free drinks.

I'll talk to you later.

Out of work?

[scoffs] I should have recognized the signs.

Look, it's just a mistake.

It just happened. I'll be back to work on Monday.

Please, Drew. I can't support another guy.

I've heard everything from things will get better

to just idol the car while I run to the 7/11.

Look, let me just take you to lunch.

I'll explain the whole thing to ya.

Sorry, Drew.

Damn it. Mimi cost me my job.

Now she cost me any chance I had with Nicki.

I'm gonna go to over her place. I wanna settle this right now.

But Drew, we got you all this.

You think I'm gonna sit here eating this stuff

feeling sorry for myself?

Wrap it to go.

Drew, Drew, Drew. Drew, Drew, Drew.

Calm down, now.

Now, remember before you knock on that door

Mimi's a human being.

Well, she knows human beings, okay?

Also keep in mind that she might be hunched over a table

feeding off the bones of Mr. Wick.

In which case, I'm glad I'm the skinny one. Go.

[door knocking]

(Nigel) 'Who is it?'

Oh, my God. That's Mr. Wick.

[crashing]

Carey. Mimi told me you were dead.

Only on the inside, sir.

Why does it sound like a storm in here?

[screeching]

It's scary sounds of Halloween.

[scary music]

Hey, I lost my virginity to this.

But we're having one of the biggest storms in the century.

Oh. No storms, sir.

It's a sunny day outside.

Why would Mimi lie to me?

I've been here for three weeks.

She had to take care of me.

She-she fed me! She bathed me.

Sure she was just basting you?

[laughs]

Wow. It's a wet one out there.

Oh. Oh, it's not fit out for, for men or...

...beast.

You've done some pretty ugly things in your life, Mimi.

Everything in this apartment comes to mind.

But this time, you've gone too far.

Mimi. Why the lies?

Why the deception?

Why am I so smooth?

I was protecting you, Nigel.

I-I was running the store to cover for the fact that you

dropped a couple of marbles.

And I did a damn good job too.

Don't be mad.

I only did it for you.

Let's go, Carey.

Just...just tell me one thing, Nigel.

Were you happy here?

There were good times, sure.

And there's no reason that they have to stop.

Don't look directly into her eyes.

♪ You're my sunshine ♪

♪ My only sunshine ♪

♪ They smile in your face ♪

♪ All the time they wanna take your place ♪

♪ They're backstabbers ♪

♪ Backstabbers ♪

♪ You make me happy when skies are gray ♪

♪ What they do ♪

♪ They smile in your face ♪

♪ All the time they wanna ♪ ♪ Know dear ♪

♪ How much I love you ♪

Alright, fine. Mimi wins.

Store's running great. Better than ever. Sales are up.

It's just too bad you're not gonna be there

to take credit for the success.

Let's go, Carey.

♪ Please don't take ♪

♪ My sunshine away ♪

[instrumental music]

Larry, I'm home.

How was work?

It sucked. Good to be back.

How was your day at job hunting, Huggy Bear?

No luck, so, I cheered myself up

watching our brand new big screen TV.

What's going on here?

Hey, the economy's booming. It affects everyone.

Don't you have to have a job to be affected

by the booming economy?

Apparently not.

Here, I got you a leather hat.

How are doing this?

Hey, Drew. Check it out.

Larry got us lobster.

Look, Drew. Little forks.

♪ If you're ♪

♪ Boiled and you know it clap your hands ♪

[clanks]

[doorbell rings]

Well, that'll be Satan.

Hey, the playoffs are on.

Uh, let's watch it on my new big screen.

- Hi, Drew. - Oh, Nicki.

They always come crawling back, don't they?

Uh, wait a second. That's me.

Uh, what can I do for you?

I came by to say...

...I changed my mind.

I, uh, would have brought you flowers but...

Oh, they are long stems.

I was being stupid, I mean, just because I said

I wasn't gonna date anymore jerks

doesn't mean I can't date you.

Well, you know what I mean, Drew?

- Hey. - Hey, Nicki.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Everybody a toast. - Oh.

I got my job back. I got lobster and a leather hat.

'Nicki's gonna go out with me.'

That third Snickers bar carried me on the ride home from work.

Well, Drew. How would you like a little more good news?

Sure. Let's see what the old ticker can handle?

I think I found the right guy.

Kate, that's great.

Well, who is it?

Oswald.

Alright, fine. Oswald, who is it?

No, that's who she's dating, Drew. Me.

[crashing]

Freeze! DEA. Everybody down!

Drop the lobster and start eating carpet, dirt bag.

I didn't know what was in the packages.

I was just holding it for a friend, I swear!

Oh, my God.

Knock, knock. Anybody home? We're your...

...ne-new neighbors.

But we can see that you're busy.

We'll just exchange numbers another time.

Well, they seem nice.

So, uh, where you wanna go Saturday night?

[instrumental music]