Original subtitles

[indistinct chattering]

- Morning, Drew. - Morning.

Morning, Drew.

Morning.

I need your signature, Carey.

Sign here. Sign here. Sign here. Sign here.

Sign here. Sign here.

- Morning, Carey. - Oh, good morning, sir.

Say, have you noticed anything unusual around here today?

No, can't say that I have.

Oh. Well, what can I do for you, sir?

Oh, nothing, I just came out to tell you what a great job

you're doing and how much we value you as an employee.

Uh-huh.

- And, uh, how about that raise? - Consider it done.

In fact, I'm giving you more than you asked for.

A raise and respect.

I knew it.

Stinkin' aliens.

[screeching]

We saw what happened, Drew.

Let us help you.

Not so fast.

Uh... who won the 1969 World Series?

The Zargon Flipsters.

[gun cocking]

Wrong, it was the Mets.

The 69 Mets were from Zargon.

[screeching]

[zapping]

[dramatic music]

[indistinct shouting]

Everybody, we're up against aliens.

Eighteen to forty-nine- year olds, follow me!

Freeze!

[screaming continues]

C-c-can you tell me where the ammonia fountain is?

[intense music]

Oh, I'm just a regular customer not an alien

from the planet Xenon.

Die, you unholy bastard.

[screeching]

[zap]

[clattering]

Clean up in ladies shoes.

Single file. No talking.

Alright, who are you? And what do you want?

We've come here to enslave you, put you in cubicles

and make you work long hours with no chance of advancement.

How long do we get for lunch?

Forty five minutes.

Nobody takes my lunch hour.

[zapping]

[gun cocking]

Man, I'm outta power.

Say, uh, how big are those cubicles anyway?

[instrumental music]

Special delivery for Mr. Alien.

Yeah. Package of death.

Sorry, Drew.

Guess we gotta get probed now.

Time for dinner.

That's my new catchphrase

what do you think?

[Mimi groaning]

Shoot and your beautiful leader gets it.

Step aside.

I can't. He's got me by the throat.

I was talking to the alien.

Told you this wouldn't work.

Dominos doesn't deliver where you're going, pig.

Oh, look, if it isn't the mother ship.

Bite me, dough boy.

That's all I needed to hear.

[indistinct chattering]

Wow.

That was a close one.

[intense music]

Not only are we aliens

but Lewis has impregnated you with his seed.

Who's your alien, baby?

[screaming]

Uh, uh, uh.

Phew!

What's your problem?

I dreamt I was a horrible creature with pale skin

and a bad haircut.

Bite me, dough boy.

I always wanted to do that.

[theme music]

♪ Moon's over... ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Up every mornin' ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Just to keep a job ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Through the hustling mob ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Sounds of the city ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Poundin' in my brain ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ While another day ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

[instrumental music]

Come on, Drew. We got the truck waiting downstairs.

We gotta get out of here before the storm hits.

It's supposed to be the worst storm in a 100 years.

I can't. Mr. Wick's keeping the store open.

Everybody's got to stay until closing time.

Wow. He's pretty rough on you guys.

Oh, it's not so bad. If the sun explodes we get to wear shorts.

Okay, well, if you're gonna stay, let's decide right now

how you're gonna communicate with us from the beyond.

Alright, how's this

I'll reject you in the form of a beautiful woman?

Oh, my God. The dead have been trying to reach us for years.

Carey, I got to go. Finish these reports.

My kid's school is closing because of the storm

I gotta pick him up.

Oh, so if you have kids, you get to go home.

Yeah, I got millions of kids, technically.

I mean, who's to say when life begins really.

That's gross, Carey.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Larry.

You know, single people have lives too, you know.

Yeah, I guess you better call your four girlfriends

and a thumb and tell 'em you're gonna be late.

Oh, look, it's a clown show under the big top.

What's the matter?

You're mad 'cause people are worried about their kids?

You know, maybe someday you'll wake up

and you won't be such a selfish pig.

Mimi, I have to leave early.

I'm not stayin'!

But my water just broke.

Well, step back these are new shoes.

Mimi, I really, really need your help.

Please.

Crap!

Why was I born with this big heart?

Go on.

[shouting] Get out of here!

Hey, uh, since you're staying maybe my four girlfriends

and a thumb can go out to dinner with pleasure me Pete?

Attention, everyone

there's been a severe thunderstorm warning.

This is to remind employees with family

that they may go home to their loved ones.

Those of you without loved ones, like Carey here, will stay here

and join me during this refreshing summer shower.

Oh, this sucks.

Just 'cause we don't have kids we get stuck here

doing everybody else's work.

Yeah, I'm tired of pickin' up the slack

just 'cause I choose to be single.

"Choose" you say?

Yeah, I choose to be single, the way you choose to be double.

[laughing]

Oh, man. We're losin' power.

Oh, great.

Okay, you know the drill.

Get everybody together on the main sales floor.

I can't believe this is almost my last hour alive probably

and I'm gonna spend it staring at you.

[thunder rumbling]

(Drew) 'Thank you, God.'

[rumbling continues]

Okay, yup. This is it, everybody.

Power's out in the whole building.

Now, according to the manual.

You have to lock down all the registers

check the store for customers

and after that...

Tilt down, would you?

Take a headcount of all the employees

and when we finish with that

we'll all meet back here at the face.

Yeah, and when the flood starts we can all march

two by two into Drew's ass.

Hey, it's not my fault we're all stuck down here

cowering like animals.

Stupid store policy. I didn't write this junk.

Yeah, well, I think it's time we change it.

I say we burn the sucker down!

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I got it!

'Everybody else gets benefits around this place.'

Parental leave, maternity leave, flex time.

And what do the single people get?

A big steamin' bowl of jack.

That's right, Mimi. That's not even fresh jack.

So, what are the single people gonna do about it, huh?

Stop being so damn choosey and settle down?

I say we form a new kind of union.

A union that no one's ever thought of before.

A union made up of nothing... but single people.

Yeah! Whoo!

Yee-haw!

I hate to admit it, but I think the pig's got a good idea.

- It's just what we need. - Thank you, Mimi.

We should give Drew the credit

and we should make me the president.

Yeah! Whoo... w-wait a second!

It's my idea. I should be the president.

Oh, you'll screw it all up.

I know what I'm doing, I come

from a long line of truckers.

We don't care what you did on your break, Mimi.

Alright. We'll just humor the big baby.

We'll have an election tomorrow night

and then you can humiliate him publicly

and vote me most popular.

I mean, union president.

[thunder rumbling]

Well, well, what do we have here?

An unauthorized union rally.

Hey, where's Kate O'Brien?

She must be back at her workstation working.

I'm not! I'm right here.

You brought this on yourself, Wick.

- Mr. Wick. - Mr. Wick.

You abuse people and they're gonna fight back.

We're formin' a union and there's nothing

you can do about it.

[siren blaring]

What's that?

Tornado siren.

Uh, I move we continue this meeting in the basement.

All in favor run for your lives.

You go ahead with this union, Carey

you'll never get a promotion!

I'll shut down this store when pigs fly!

Damn, there goes a cow.

I suppose under the circumstances

I could count that.

[glass shattering]

Wow, barely everybody got out okay

but your store's a real mess.

Says here, it's gonna be closed for three days.

Oh, yeah, I drove by this morning

looking for my mom's laundry...

...and the laundry room and my mom.

Hey, you're still going through with that

singles' rally tonight, aren't you, Drew?

'Cause Lewis and I thought we should really be there...

...to support you.

You know, if we do come to this meeting should we bring some...

...you know, protection.

[chuckling]

This isn't a mixer, Lewis.

Even if it was, protection from what? Being by yourself?

Awful high and mighty for a guy

who had to create an entire union just to meet women.

[Oswald laughing]

I did not.

I'm the president of I'm Gonna Get Me Some Union.

My God. That's uncanny, that's Drew!

That's who I was doin'.

I'm gonna get me some. I'm gonna get me some.

I'm gonna get me some.

Kinda doubt it.

You know, that's what gives singles' a bad name.

You know, it's not just about get me some.

Being single's a great life

you're only responsible for yourself.

You get to read a good book every Saturday night.

I swear to God, it couldn't get any better.

You look like you're gonna cry.

Shut up. It'll pass.

[knock on door]

Larry, what are you doing here?

You work in a cubicle and this is your house?

Nice life.

Look, me and the other employees with kids

just had a real angry meeting at Chuck E. Cheese.

They sent me over to tell you that

if you're crappy union ruins even one...

...of our benefits, you're outta there.

[car honking]

Just a second, kids.

Hey, listen, Almada you don't come

to my house and threaten me.

You do it at work like everyone else.

You don't know how hard it is, I mean, to work

and-and to still find time for your family.

I treasure those few moments I get to hold

those precious bundles in my arms.

[shouting] That's it! I warned you!

Now, we're going back to Chuck E. Cheese

and I swear to God I'm gonna kill that rat.

Well, this stinks.

I try to do something nice

now half the store hates me.

I might as well just give it up anyway.

No one knows what I'm trying to do.

Hey, we're all victims of this singles crap.

(Lewis) 'It's like when I call in late and they go'

"Oh, out partying all night, huh?"

But someone with a kid calls in

it's, "Oh, is the baby sick?"

What do you got to have a kid to get sympathy?

Isn't it just as poignant to be up vomiting all night

because you've mixed vodka and gin?

[glass shattering]

What the hell?

[tires screeching]

"Next time it's life size."

Alright, that's it.

This rock might as well have been the Dolly Madison pie

they whipped on my head when I was running for president

of the chess club back in high school.

Remember what I did then?

Ate the pie?

After that. I went after 'em.

I took on the whole chess club by myself.

By the time I got done there was retainers

and broken black glasses everywhere.

I remember that fight.

That was a funny fight.

It wasn't funny for them.

They learned you push Drew Carey once, he backs down.

You push him twice, he gets angry.

You push him three times, he rolls up in a ball.

You push him times four through ten

you get a combination between playing possum and name-calling.

If you got enough patience to push him eleven times

boy, there's trouble 'cause he gets his mother

and let me tell you something, you push Mrs. Carey once...

(Mimi) 'Hello.'

Is anyone still here?

Can I help anyone?

No?

Good.

Broken.

Broken.

Broken.

Ugly.

Broken.

Broken.

[man grunting]

[gasps]

'Mr. Wick?'

I lived, but they're all dead.

- Oh, but, sir, they're just-- - Poor souls.

The wind... blew their privates right off.

Have you been here all night?

[mumbling]

Oh, okay.

Why don't I just go get some help?

No, no. Don't leave me.

Oh, he he.

Take me home with you.

Wow. You must be really messed up.

[instrumental music]

Man, this is so great.

All these women are single

and they can't lie to you.

They wouldn't be here if they weren't single.

Yeah.

One of them tried to switch her ring to her other finger

but we caught her.

What's that cologne you're wearing?

Oh, Desperation.

I think you put too much on.

What's that scent you smell of?

[sniffs] It's, uh...

[sniffs]

- It's kinda nice. - You like it?

It's called Why Am I Talking To Somebody I Already Know.

Hey, have you guys been talking to people?

'Cause I've been talking to people

and it looks like I'm gonna lose this thing.

Oh, you got a gut feeling, huh?

No! They told me, "You're gonna lose this thing."

Drew, we can't let Mimi win.

I'm pushing you as the perfect singles candidate.

Just go with me.

Hi, Sally. Thanks for being here.

Joe, your divorce finally came through.

Welcome to our side.

Vote for Carey he'll never marry.

- Great slogan, Kate. - Thanks.

Drew Carey, never had it, never will.

Just keep pumping out those great slogans, don't ya?

- Yeah. - Mary, glad to see you here.

Really need your support.

Drew Carey who'd date him?

You'd have to be drunk.

Let me see those buttons for a second.

Dre...

Jimmy, long time no see.

Give it up, pig.

Hey, look, it's the rainbow coalition.

Before we start, I just want you to know

it's gonna be a fair fight.

May the best man or woman win.

[grunts]

Okay, I'm feeling pretty good.

Let's start the voting.

Okay, everybody, can I have your attention?

Now, we've all been to the meet the candidates beer busts

we've played the Singles' Union Beer Softball game

you've been to the Issues Beer Chili Cook-off

It's been a beer-filled busy day.

Alright, now, all in favor of Mimi

as the new president of the Windfred-Louder Singles' Union

raise your hand.

- Got it. - All in favor of me.

Drew Carey, the guy who hired ya?

Got it!

- What is it? - It's a tie!

Your my best friend and it's a tie?

Wait a minute, I forgot to vote.

Your my best friend, it's a tie.

Wait a second, wait.

If I can get some concessions from Mr. Wick

how many of you would consider a revote?

Hello, Mr. Wick?

The single employees demand flexible hours.

Less overtime and equal dibs on the vacation time.

Uh-huh.

He says, yes!

Wait a second.

Don't fall for that. It's one of her stupid tricks.

Oh, you don't believe me, whose voice is that?

Oh, my God. It's Mr. Wick's voice.

I don't know why he's singing, "I'm a little teapot"

but it's Mr. Wick's voice.

Hey, that's all we ever wanted.

Which means we don't need a union anymore.

Which means we can open the bar a minute early.

[crowd cheering]

[instrumental music]

You know, I still don't understand why animals attack.

- No. - Hmm.

Well, I'm gonna grab a couple of beers and...

...console Drew. You guys want any?

- No. - No.

'Good.'

You meet anyone interesting?

Nah. You?

Nah. The whole thing felt kinda hollow.

I heard this one guy say

"Hey, can I check your union label?"

[chuckling] No, I got a better one, I heard a guy say

"Hey, what do you say we boycott our clothes?"

[both laughing]

Then, what happened?

And then I said, "Hey what do you say we boycott our clothes?"

[chuckling]

- Smooth. - Thank you.

Well, you know...

...good part is Kate was gonna vote for you

so you would have been president... in theory.

Well, I'm lying here next to a woman... in theory.

Hmm.

- Want a beer? - Yeah.

[sighs]

Hey, you think we're ever not going to be single?

- You and me? - Hmm.

We'll find somebody.

I worry about Kate and Oswald though.

Hmm.

- Know what I worry about? - Uh?

I worry that sometimes when I hit my head it

pushes my hair into my brain.

And eventually, it's, uh, it's gonna kill me.

I'll tell you what, when I find somebody

we'll invite you over for the holidays.

[instrumental music]

♪ London Bridge is falling down... ♪

Say, mommy just had a thought

let's pretend that you're a big movie star

and I need your autograph.

Sure. Ha ha.

Why does it say "authorization?"

That's the name of the movie, dunce.

♪ London Bridge is falling... ♪

Sorry. Sorry.

Keep signing.

The faster you sign

the faster we'll get to tubby time.

Tubby time again?

I'm going to be the cleanest man in the world.