Original subtitles

Anyways, congratulations, Smith.

Not even a year and you're off to a annual management

training seminar in Hawaii.

You must feel good about that.

Then again you must always feel good.

You're as fit as a fiddle. Look at you.

[grunting and laughing]

Now, Carey, if it's not too much of a strain on your heart

'waddle over to the benefits department'

and processSmith's paid leave.

And no grazing by the vending machine.

You know, sir, kinda thought maybe

I could go to Hawaii this year. You know, I was...

...hopin' to try out my new speedos, my tanning lotion.

Oh, I get it. You use the tanning lotion

to get into the speedos.

Well... you'll have to do it somewhere else

other than Hawaii because you're not going.

But, sir, last year, you said maybe this year.

Well, you should know by now, Carey

when I say maybe, it means no.

But maybe next year, huh?

Thank you, sir.

- Hey. Huh. - Hey, Kate, guess what?

In the broader sense of the term, I just had sex.

Drew, you're not going to Hawaii again, I'm sorry.

I don't care about going to Hawaii.

I got "Baywatch" tapes. I got takeout.

You know what really kills me?

Everybody knows the guy who goes to Hawaii

is the next guy to get the next big promotion.

So who are they sending?

Some pretty boy named Smith.

You know, he looks fit and energetic.

So everybody just assumes that he's the best man for the job.

- Hmm. Right. - I'm a big guy.

So they just assume that I'm slow and out of shape.

You know, Drew, a lot of big things are fast.

Stampeding elephants, jumbo jets...

- The bus in "Speed" big-- - Okay.

Are you done comparing me to massive things?

Carey, I need a copy - of this report. - Chop chop.

Now, I need you to run down to the...

What am I thinking? O'Brien, run this down

to the copy room, will you?

I'll do that, sir.

Time me.

Carey, this a watch not a calendar.

Oh, yeah? Here I go.

Wow, is he fast!

And not that big.

Kate, much like tropical fish

I believe he'd grow to the size of his environment.

The only reason he's not bigger

is because his cubicle isn't bigger.

[panting]

Here you go, sir. Two copies.

Only took me a few seconds and...

...I feel great.

Hey, what's right over there?

[heavy panting]

Not bad, Carey. Perhaps you're in better shape than I thought.

[panting]

[breathing heavily]

Dammit, Carey! What am I looking at?

Ah! Guess it's gone, sir. Never mind.

Well, on the other hand running up and down the hall

will hardly get you on a Wheaties box. Hmm.

Oh, darn, it's empty!

I'll fill that, sir.

What do you want the, uh...

...red top or the blue top?

I should call a doctor now.

Now, let me see. I think I want the--

Oh, sorry to interrupt while Drew shows you

how much water he can retain.

But, you forgot to sign these important papers.

Oh, right here, you forgot to dot an "I."

Oh, yeah. Alright.

Oh, he-ha, and on this one...

here's a C that kinda looks like an E.

Oh, and in here...

...this is a G tha-that looks like a J.

No. That's clearly a G.

No.

No, it's a J.

No, it's a G.

[huffs]

No, no, no.

- No, it's a J. - It's a G!

I can see it's a G from here even with all the sparkly things

and stars shootin' out of it.

Oh, the reason the bottle's empty

is because the water cooler's broken.

Ha! Is my face red? Heh.

[thuds]

All I found was a store nurse and she was hammered.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm in the worst shape of my life.

You know, they're right. I can't even lose a few pounds.

I don't deserve a trip to Hawaii or a promotion.

Come on, Drew. So you're not Mr. Universe.

You're not in that bad of shape.

[telephone ringing]

[rattles]

Hello!

Hello. It's your feet calling.

Long time no see.

[laughing]

[theme song playing]

♪ Up every mornin' just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way ♪

♪ Through the hustling mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ But it's a five o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a five o'clock me ♪

♪ Inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[instrumental music]

(Oswald) And almost done.

Okay.

[Oswald gasping]

You're right. It is getting bigger.

Damn, that hair thickening shampoo.

Oh, well, where'd you get that stuff anyway?

Ah, at work. Drugco's tested it on hamsters.

That's a hamster?

Oh, my God!

Hey, look at the size of my hands.

- Hey. - Hey, Drew.

- Hey, bud. - Hey, have a beer.

It's full-size. It just looks puny in my giant hands.

Hey, what's with the beer?

You guys are supposed to be helping me lose weight.

Oh, yeah, well, we talked about it

and we decided it would be easier

just have the rest of the world get fatter.

I'm serious this time. I got a whole program worked out.

- Hmm. - Step number one.

No more lettuce on my cheese burgers.

You see, it's the roughage

that blocks the meat from falling out.

So what's the cheese for?

The cheese opens the door.

Why don't you just join a gym?

[scoffs] I'm not in good enough shape to join a gym.

I don't want everybody to see me like this.

Problem is, where do guys like me go?

Uh, I think we're there.

Then this will be my gym.

Gotta have a word with my trainer.

Hey, bartender!

I'll spot ya.

Hey, gimme a water. Uh, make a light beer.

Oh, what the hell, it's a light beer. Make it three.

Hey, friend. Take it from a guy who had the same problem.

Switchin' to light beer ain't gonna help you lose weight.

Oh, thanks, buddy. Have one on me.

Tim, give this guy a big frosty mug

of mind your own damn business.

Lemme show you somethin'.

That's how fat I was a year ago.

- Oh. - Who's that behind you?

That's my neck.

Wow! How'd you do it?

Well, I use to be a pharmacist.

- Oh, speed, huh? - No, no.

And believe me, I tried every diet and gimmick in the world.

But nothing worked until I figured out

how to make my cravings work for me.

That's when I came up with the beer diet.

[laughing] Yeah, I got one too.

You drink, you pass out, you don't eat for two days.

Good times, good times.

No, what I did was, I added vitamins

then I came up with my own blockers to stop the carbs

in the beer from turning into sugar which turns into fat.

I call it... Vitabeer.

[gasping]

Oh, beer diets.

Wow!

How much is it for these babies, huh?

Well, 50 bucks a bottle at the stores but, uh...

...I don't know, I can give it to you for forty-five.

Well, h-how long does it last?

It depends on how much you drink.

- Oh... no. - We can't afford that.

Okay, maybe we can work it a different way.

I need to take some before and after pictures

of Vitabeer success stories to show to investors.

How about I give you the pills at cost

and you let me take a picture of you without a shirt on?

Hold on. You used to be the swim coach

at the Lakewood Community Center?

Don't worry, nobody's gonna see these pictures

except for potential investors and clients.

On year ago, huh?

I'll tell you what, gimme the first bottle for free

you got yourself a deal.

Here. This is my card.

Call me on Monday. We'll set up a photo shoot.

A photo shoot, huh? Hey, I don't have to climb on a horse, do I?

- 'Cause I have allergies. - No.

Hey, guys! Look, I just got a new diet.

You-you lose weight just by freakin' beer. Heh.

And this is my first workout.

Ah, feel the burn.

I feel smaller already.

That's just 'cause you're sitting next to Lewis's head.

Hey.

My head's not that big.

Oh!

Of all the places to use that shampoo, why my head?

[instrumental music]

[horn honking]

(female #1) Hey, there, sweet cheeks

cut me off a piece of that!

Wow! The diet must be workin'.

It's all thanks to Vitabeer!

Tell your friends!

[horn honking]

(male #1) Hey, pal, lookin' good!

Yeah, it's only been two weeks!

Wow! Bet I could've stopped traffic

by wearing one of my bicycle pants.

[horn honking]

Drew, what's all the honking about?

Say hello to the honky.

[car honking]

Why would they be honking at you?

[horn honking]

(male #2) Hey, studly, likin' it!

[chuckles] Isn't it obvious?

Why do women go to a Brad Pitt movie?

I'm shaking my money-maker out here

they're begging for change.

- Have you noticed? - What?

Even guys are honking at me.

I mean, even though I'm not gay...

...I still find it flattering that they find me attractive.

You know what else? I think I might have

found an ab this morning...

- Drew. - What?

- Look behind you. - Why?

Is somebody checking me out from behind?

No.

Turn around and look up.

Look up for what?

(Drew) Whoa, look at the girl in that...

Oh, my God!

I knew it. I knew you shouldn't have trusted that Vitabeer guy!

And of all the nerve, put my head on my dad's body.

[Kate gasps]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Saw the billboard.

[honks]

[laughing]

It wasn't my idea.

That picture is only supposed to be seen by potential investors.

[scoffs] Well, who'd guess that a guy that'd make something

called Vitabeer would lie to you?

[honks]

[laughing]

You know, holding a horn like that you kind of look like

"The Partridge Family" bus.

[clears throat]

Yeah, yeah, hurt, destroyed. Anyway...

...you're already helpin' people to lose weight

'cause just this mornin' I saw a bunch of 'em throwin' up

right in front of your billboard.

[honks]

Lewis, what are you wearin'?

Oh, I packed my head in ice.

Yeah, I figured that a growth was just due to swelling.

Couple of more hours and I'll...

Sometimes he freezes up.

Be right as rain.

Aren't you embarrassed

walkin' around town with that thing on your head?

[scoffs] Don't worry about it.

That's why I wore the mask.

[laughing]

Well, thanks a lot for coming by but there's nothing you can say

to make me feel any better.

Oh, yeah? You remember that teacher

who said you'll never be famous being fat and dumb?

It looks like you got a call to make.

And you know, more people in America look like you than...

...you know, the way they really wanna look.

(Kate) Yeah.

Hey, you know, people are probably honking

'cause they're proud to see someone

secure enough to pose like that, huh?

They're not laughin', honkin', pointin'

and makin' snide remarks at you.

They are laughin', honkin', pointin'

and makin' snide remarks...

- With you. - With you.

You know, you're right. And if one of you

gives me another compliment, I'm not gonna punch you

in the face and go to the emergency ward with you.

- Alright. Fine. Fine. Fine. - Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

Excuse me, I'm here about the sale's position.

- Oh, yeah. Hi, Drew Carey. - Nice to meet...

Hey, you're the guy on the billboard, aren't you?

Heh. Yeah. Just, uh, have a seat.

Get down to business here.

You know, I looked at your resume and, boy, you know

you seem to have a lot of sale's experience

and people have a lot of...

[indistinct]

- Hey, eyes up here, buddy. - Come on, lift your shirt up.

I want to tell my wife I touched it.

Now, that's it. Interview's over. Get outta here.

Oh, come on, just a little one on the side.

(Mimi) Mr. Wick!

Mr. Wick!

What is it, Mimi?

Drew's too fat to do his job.

I was afraid it might come to this.

Look, I know about the billboard and I'm sorry

but I'm afraid you're gonna have to get it down.

I can't take it down. I called the owner of Vitabeer.

He says nothing I can do. I signed a release.

And I have no, uh, recourse.

Well, I have a bigger problem.

Wh-when people picture a Winfred-Louder employee

we'd like them to think of someone who might be around

for next ten years.

Sir, that smacks of looksism.

Don't talk to me about looksism.

How many times have I not been taken seriously

because I'm too damn good-looking?

It's a riddle, sir?

Get the billboard down, Carey

or I'll be forced to give you a position

where you don't have to interface with the public.

- You mean-- - That's right.

Night basement guy!

Ooh! Tough spot to be in, pig.

Yeah, I've been in tougher. Let me tell you somethin.'

One way or the other that billboard's

comin' down by tomorrow.

Yeah, well, that's why I have this made

for board of directors' luncheon.

You like it?

I call it "The Ice Capig."

[instrumental music]

(Lewis) 'Oh, my God!'

This thing is huge!

No one's ever seen underneath Drew's stomach.

It's like the other side of the moon.

I read that one day people will live on Drew's stomach.

Alright, everybody, just shut up!

Well, we got to hurry up and tear this thing down

before anybody sees us.

Hey, Lewis, why don't you cover us with your enormous head?

Alright, okay, alright. You had your fun, okay?

Turns out it was just a figment of my imagination.

So no more side effects or after effects?

No, no, they, uh, tested the shampoo

on a couple of horses and they're fine.

What are you people doing up here?

[imitating bird calling]

What are you doin' up here?

Somebody left a message on my machine

telling me you were gonna tear down the billboard tonight.

Oh, somebody, huh? They had the guts to leave their name?

Mimi Bobeck. She works with you.

She said to say hi.

You guys are in a lot of trouble.

As soon as I fix this thing

I'm calling the cops.

What the hell? Is that a flap

or a gill, or...

Alright, buddy, now I'm gonna show you what it's like

to be humiliated in front of everybody in Cleveland.

- Heh. - Oswald, Lewis, grab his arm.

[thudding]

Come on. Hey, knock it off!

Hey, you've got big problems, buddy!

Oh, and I just spotted another one.

That mole doesn't look good.

Hey, don't listen to him, Drew.

There's plenty of stuff on you that doesn't look good.

No, no, no, I'm serious. I took two years of pre-med

at dermatology. That mole looks suspicious.

Now, why don't you let me down, and I'll take a look at it?

Yeah, right, buddy.

This is for every chubby kid who's ever been humiliated

at school by bullies like you.

Geez, it's just a stupid beer diet, pal, so you shrink.

[horn honking] You guys, we gotta get going.

There are some cars coming.

Oh!

Maybe I should have that mole looked at.

Heh. Hey, Drew, it's just like your real stomach.

I hope you ate some cheese, so you can open the door

and let the farmer out.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Mimi, where would I find Carey?

Um, wherever women are crying, sir.

I need some of the pension files.

I don't know where Carey put them.

Oh, they're right here.

Are you sure we should invade his privacy like this?

- Oh, well, if you don't think-- - Just a formality.

Covering my arse. Carry on.

(Drew) 'Mimi, if you can hear this'

'it's already too late.'

I told you we shouldn't have done this!

[scoffs] Amateur. Hmph.

Okay, let's see.

Ordinarily, it's the red wire first to defuse.

Ha! That's the story of Carey's life.

Either goes off to early or doesn't go off at all.

[screeching]

[screeching]

[thudding]

What's the matter, Mimi?

Computer crash?

Nice one, Drew. One of your best.

Why so late, pig?

I went to the doctor to check on an abnormal growth.

- Are you okay? - Better than okay.

Turns out the mole was nothing, and I had a complete physical.

I finally have actual proof that I'm in great shape.

In fact, I'm so happy, I'm gonna set you up again.

Hey, Mimi, I just went to the doctor

to check out an abnormal growth.

Oh, why don't you just do

what your mom did and call it Drew?

You know, I never thought I'd be happy to see your face again

but after that little scare

it's amazing how nothing's changed.

Beat it, clowny.

Hey, Drew, everything go okay with the doctor?

Yeah, just a normal mole. Ahem.

Oh, man, you're lucky. I knew a guy at Drugco who had a growth

they removed it and found out

his entire body was ravaged by spiders.

Hmm.

I heard it was a giant cactus filled with spiders.

I heard it was a woman's beehive hairdo.

I heard it was Richard Gere.

The point is, I'm in great shape, I deserve a promotion

and I'm gonna get it right now.

- Mr. Wick? - Yes, Carey.

Nest time a trip to Hawaii comes up, I want to have it.

- How does afternoon sound? - Like you're yanking my chain.

No, no, I mean it. Here's your ticket.

Smith is coming back early.

In fact, uh, he'll be waiting for you at the airport.

Oh, couldn't handle the pressure, huh?

Apparently not.

He's dead.

Oh, my God! How'd he die?

Heart attack. He might have lived, but apparently

they had difficulty getting the shot of adrenaline

through his highly developed pecs.

Doctor has told me I have the perfect chest

for a rib spreader.

So, Mr. Wick, I hope this tragedy has proved to you

that people who appear physically fit

aren't necessarily the best ones for the job.

But I like strong, healthy-looking people.

Ugly people make me sad.

Oh, don't you worry about it, Mr. Wick

'cause I'm gonna prove you wrong.

I'm goin' to Hawaii, I'm goin' to that seminar

I'm gonna prove to you that I'm the best man

that has been executive material this store has ever seen.

No, no, the seminar's over.

You just have to go there, put the ticket on the casket

collect the body and come back here.

Well, just exactly how long am I gonna be there?

Two hours. That's enough time to check out the beautiful beaches

and get back to the airport, traffic permitting.

Oh, that's okay. I can't go in the sun anyway.

- 'Cause of my mole. - Uh, never mind.

There's plenty of other things to enjoy.

In fact, you and Smith will be changing planes

at Tampa and Minneapolis.

Aloha.

Hey, I get to take a dead guy to three airports.

I gotta buy some film.

This is me and Smith in Hawaii.

He's the one in the box.

This is me and Smith in Tampa.

He's the one in the box.

This is me and Smith in Minneapolis.

I'm the one in the box.

- We were horsin' around. - He-he.

Can we stop looking at these now?

Your vacation pictures are creeping me out.

Hey, whatever happened to that Vitabeer guy?

Heard he went out of business.

Oh, so I guess they took their billboard down, huh?

Yeah, I heard they put up another one yesterday.

- Thank God. - 'Hmm.'

Hey, Drew, what's this...

...letter here from New Lifestyle's Cruises?

It looks like a check.

Oh, it must be a mistake.

[instrumental music]