Original subtitles

(intense orchestral music)

(door creaks)

(intense orchestral music continues)

(intense orchestral music continues)

Fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck, it's December 1st.

Christmas.

(bright upbeat music)

♪ Tidy wrapped boxes underneath green branches ♪

♪ What are the chances it's December ♪

♪ The cold winds blowing through mistletoe ♪

♪ And stockings afoot now by the fireplace ♪

♪ But here's the thing about Christmas ♪

♪ They say it don't mean nothin' ♪

♪ Unless you got somebody else to share it with ♪

♪ But I'm alone this Christmas ♪

-♪ And I will be okay ♪ -(Grace sighs)

♪ I'll have my own kinda ♪

♪ Special holiday ♪

♪ You'd think I'd be blue ♪

♪ Here without you ♪

♪ But I'm fine under the colored lights here alone ♪

♪ Here alone ♪

♪ At Christmas time ♪

(bright upbeat music continues)

♪ Ooh-Oh ♪

♪ At Christmas time ♪

(leaf blower whirring)

Ah, yes, morning. Every day it comes again.

This morning thing and the days,

and the weeks fly by and then bam, it's fucking December.

(laughs) Do you want coffee?

Don't worry. Star made it before he went on his hike.

I did make it perfectly clear

that I want absolutely nothing

to do with Christmas this year, right?

Fuck Christmas. God, I fucking hate Christmas.

Bah humbug.

(laughs) I think I'll go home for Christmas this year.

My mom's been bugging me and it's been years,

and I can get a pretty good price if I go the week before.

-Good. How are you two? -Good.

I mean, lately, better than we've ever been.

I mean, ever since my dad's gone.

You know, when he was around, it was always like,

"Oh, your father doesn't wanna do this.

Your father doesn't wanna do that."

Now she wants to do everything.

Last time I was home, we went for sushi.

Ooh. Mom's eating fresh fish.

-So she's fully lezzed out now? -(Jeffrey laughs)

These poor women, they are brainwashed from birth

to spend their whole lives taking care of their men,

and they completely forget about their own lives.

It's bullshit.

This year, I just wanna spend the holiday alone.

I wanna lay in bed and be lazy and eat ice cream

and drink cocktails and watch a ton of movies,

anything but that Christmas crap they put out every year

on the Family Channel.

Ugh. They make like 30 of those a year.

-What the fuck. -I know. It's crazy.

Do you want, um, toast, or, uh, croissant?

Croissant, please.

Will you grab the jam for me from the fridge?

(glass clinking)

Thank you.

You know, (sighs)

I did watch a few of those while I was sick.

-You did? -Yeah, I'd be laying in bed,

and I didn't have the energy

to turn the channel when it would come on.

They're all the fucking exact same.

It's, it's like some handsome guy in New York City

or some beautiful, pretty girl,

and they swoop down to the small town

and they're gonna shut down the factory

or close the local paper,

but they meet the gorgeous local

and they hate each other on first sight.

Of course.

And then there's always like some festival or showcase

that's gonna save the town from jeopardy.

Yeah, and there are those horrible wandering around

singer people who are singing Christmas carols.

-Carolers? -Yes, carolers.

-Carolers. -Carolers.

-Carolers. -Carolers.

Carrolers. (laughs)

Oh, has Brendon said what he's gonna do for Christmas?

So his boss, his old boss from New York called.

They're in a bind, so they said if he could come out,

and he's probably gonna go out there.

Do you think he will?

I mean, he's thinking about it.

He's just really nervous because it's like

your first Christmas back together by yourself.

He doesn't want you to feel alone, blah, blah, blah.

Well, we will fix that.

Brendon.

Jeffrey tells me you may have

a work opportunity.

Take it. Just be back for New Year's Eve.

I want to be alone.

-(phone whooshes) -There. Now that's handled.

Now, what is Star doing for Christmas?

You really want us gone, don't you?

Like out of the house, gone?

Like, you wanna be alone? You want us gone, gone?

Out of the house. Okay.

I don't know. I guess I could take him with me.

Maybe. I don't know.

Oh, yeah, that's a great idea.

I'm sure Barbara is just dying

to meet your young poly boyfriend

and welcome him with open arms

while she sits there imagining the three of you canoodling.

You're right. Maybe it's not such a good idea.

I'm gonna go sit at the table

like a fucking civilized person.

All right. I'll be right there.

Don't worry. I got this.

I waited tables. I should be able to do this.

They call this the three plate stack, Karen.

(gentle music)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(yawns) Mornin'.

(Grace sighs)

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hey, um, morning.

I've made us some coffee and, uh, there's some bagels.

[Grace] Nice. Thank you.

(dishes clattering)

So we're really not gonna be talking about last night?

What's there left to say?

We both spilled our guts and I'm just processing it.

[Grace] You really don't wanna talk about it?

[Paul] And you wanna talk about it

for hours and hours on end, I know.

[Grace] You can't blame me.

[Paul] (scoffs) I'm not. I'm not mad at you.

I, I'm processing it and everything.

(traffic whooshing faintly)

Are you in love with Star?

(energetic music)

(birds chirping)

(Paul stammers)

You know, I really need to get ready for work.

When you're ready to talk, really talk,

call me, text me, whatever you need to do.

You, you never told me you wanted to see women.

You told me you slept with a woman once.

True, and I'm sorry,

but, and this is a big but,

you did something completely behind my back.

I thought we were on a break. (sighs)

(birds chirping)

(Grace sighs)

(bright music)

Fuck.

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

(Charlie moaning)

(Charlie panting and laughing)

(bright music continues)

(Charlie sighs)

(phone dings)

Oh, well they don't need me today, so I'm off.

And it's December 1st,

which is the first day of the Christmas season,

and I'm excited

because this is our first Christmas together,

and don't get upset, but I may have already started

buying you Christmas presents

and going a little crazy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. (laughs)

This isn't one of those I have to buy you

as many Christmas presents as you buy me?

No, no, no. I just, I love you.

-(Charlie cackles) -(Tom groans)

-You're killing me. -(Charlie growls)

Am I too heavy?

(Charlie growls)

Do you not want all of this?

-I want all of this, -(Charlie laughs)

-But don't kill me. -(Charlie laughs and sighs)

I wanna do something fun today.

You know, kind of make up for everything, and you know.

I mean, it all started when he couldn't get his meds.

He just freaked out. He was like, "Fuck you."

And he got in the car and he, he peeled off,

and he just left me in the middle of nowhere.

-Oh fuck. Oh fuck! -(tires screeching)

(bright music continues)

It's okay. I'm fine.

Honestly, that was weeks ago,

and you don't need to keep bringing it up.

Okay.

-(camera snapping) -(energetic music)

(phone ringing)

-Hello? -Hey Roberta.

I think I got some great news.

-Oh, hey Alvin. -Okay.

I just got a call from a production company in Paris,

and it's looking for someone exactly like you,

and they would want you to come to Paris.

Are you kidding me? Paris?

[Alvin] Now, we haven't got the contracts yet.

But would you be able to,

I know it's a holiday and everything.

Are you, Paris?

Me? Now?

Christmas in Paris? Oh, yes, yes, I'm available.

Tell them Yes.

So what kind of tree do you want?

We could do like a, I don't know, Douglas fir

or pink or flocked or real or fake.

I mean, I don't really care,

but as a kid, always a real tree.

And, but it was kind of this awkward thing where, you know,

we'd go to the tree store,

and then my mom wanted the perfect tree,

but she can never find the perfect tree,

so then it took forever.

And then my dad would get really mad

and then they'd get into this huge fight,

and then we'd end up in the car ride home in silence,

and it was awkward, to say the least.

Yeah. Okay, let's not do any of that.

Yeah. Let's not do that.

Ooh, well, I scarfed that down. I used to be so ladylike.

I'd take teeny little bites and savor every one,

and I ate that like it was my last meal.

For a while there we thought it might be.

(laughs) You know, I think I'm starting

to understand our gay kin

in the '80s and '90s a bit more.

What do you mean?

-Uh, more coffee? -Yes, please.

They didn't think there was gonna be another tomorrow,

so they kind of just lived in the moment.

They spent their life savings.

-(phone dings) -They met...

Oh my fucking God.

Do you remember Jerry?

Jerry? (laughs) Jerry Vance?

Broadway star, celebrity?

Of course. How could I forget?

What did he say?

Well, uh, apparently he is in town through December

for a project and he wants to get together.

Well, you're gonna say no, right?

Yes, of course.

Why would I want to bring that back into my life?

All the despair and heartache

and anger and drama, and did I say anger?

Yes you did.

But I think that pretty much says it all.

You're still angry.

Well, you're damn right I'm still angry.

He ghosted me? Is that what the kids are saying?

He did a lot more than ghost you.

I mean, he drove you fucking crazy.

Which, in turn, drove us all crazy too, by the way.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Did my relationship issues cause you boys grief?

Like I don't listen to your shit all the time.

You're right, you're right. I'm sorry.

Uh, what were you saying before

when I was getting the coffee?

Oh, um, well (sighs)

I was saying that I had just sort of given up on life

and I wasn't sure I was still gonna be around

and maybe wouldn't be here anymore.

(Jeffrey laughs)

I got it.

So you are a crazy, insane-ass woman who we love.

-Right? -(Karen scoffs)

-'Til the end, babe. -'Til the end.

(cups clink)

Hey, picnic?

Yeah, Echo Park.

Nice. All right, well have fun.

That's Star.

[Tom] You doing okay?

Uh, I don't know.

(sighs) I just, I'm not saying that I'm giving up,

but part of me just feels like...

Wants to?

Well, we still have that sofa available if you need it.

[Star] Thanks.

-Take care of yourself. -Yeah.

He's right, you know.

-Hey. -Hey.

-How was your hike? -Good.

Yeah, so I gotta go to work, so.

Uh, where do you work?

Oh, the Columbia on Sunset.

It's just part-time.

Good. Now we finally know where you work.

'Cause you sure didn't.

Okay.

You're a bitch, you know that?

(water splashing)

(water splashing continues)

Are you coming tonight?

Oh, uh, you mean for Darcy?

-She's an amazing artist. -Yeah. I love her work.

I'm sure it's gonna be a great night.

Uh, I feel like I do not have a place here anymore.

Everything's changed,

and we've got to figure out what to do from here.

-(birds chirping) -You are so beautiful.

This is your place.

Maybe my friend from work will let me move back in with her.

(sighs) It's all so fucked up.

I know.

I can't, I can't do this.

I'm not mad.

I'm sad.

(Paul sighs)

-(birds chirping) -(footsteps tapping)

(car door slams)

(Grace cries out)

(Grace sobbing)

-(gentle music) -(photos clatter)

(paper rustling)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(knock raps on door)

-Grace. -Hi.

Sorry I didn't text or call before knocking.

Um, um,

Paul, um...

All right, come in.

(gentle music continues)

Well, um, you may as well sit down.

Can I get you anything? Some iced tea?

That would be great.

(footsteps tapping)

You're making a vision board?

Don't be ridiculous.

I would never make a vision board.

Cutting out pictures of things I like

and gluing them to a piece of cardboard

so I can look at them.

(bright music)

I guess we're talking in here.

Yeah.

So how are you?

Everything is really fucked.

Let me remind you, I am not a therapist.

Yeah, but do you mind if I lay down? Thanks.

Literally, I'm at a place in my life

where everything is falling apart.

How does that make you feel?

I'm sorry, Karen.

I, I know we don't know each other in that way,

and I came in while you were...

-I had cancer. -Right, cancer.

I just need someone to talk to.

I just need someone to listen to me while I talk it out.

I guess I should be writing something down.

You know what wasn't very cool

is you didn't have a conversation with Grace.

You, you went and did something behind her back.

You're right. I fucked up. I was scared.

So you had somebody that you could talk to.

It wasn't your mother or your father

or somebody who would judge you,

it was this wonderful, beautiful girl.

And, and you said she even had experience

dating someone of the same sex,

didn't you, isn't that what you told me?

Ah, right. (sighs)

Did not see this coming.

You didn't want to see this coming.

I saw it coming the minute I met him.

He's from a small town,

strict parents who wouldn't have been supportive

whether he were gay or bi or fluid,

and then he finally opens up a little,

he gets himself a little Star.

And you know, I'm not a therapist, right,

so I just say it like I see it.

Yeah. You're right.

You need to sit down, figure out what it is you wanna do,

and have an open, honest, heartfelt conversation.

So right. (sighs)

Maybe I need to be by myself.

Do whatever it takes to heal.

-Got it. -The past is the past.

What you do now is the present,

and that is going to inform your future.

Can I please get back to cutting up things I love?

(bright music continues)

If I can come back from fucking nowhere,

you can do anything.

-Thank you. -(gentle music)

[Karen] You're gonna be fine.

Ugh, this is so weird.

I feel like I just got back from New York,

and now I gotta go back again?

It's so annoying. You're gonna be all right, right?

Right?

Right, right, yes. You're fine.

I told you I don't want anybody here for Christmas.

I, I am not even gonna decorate.

I'll be fine. I just wanna be alone.

Got it. Well, you know where I'm gonna be.

We'll chat every day.

Honey, you don't have to chat with me every day.

I'll be fine.

And it's not like when I had cancer

and I didn't hear from you for months, for years, I...

-What? -Nothing.

Oh my God.

Jeffrey told me that Jerry Vance got in touch with you.

He wants to see you?

I know. Crazy, right?

You're not gonna see him, right?

No, of course not. Why would I wanna see Jerry Vance?

Even though the sex was pretty amazing.

Yeah, you said the sex was amazing,

but you also said that he was really crazy.

You're not gonna see him, right?

Look, he's not crazy. He's just a, a big personality.

-What? -I said yes.

I'm not going to.

You're not really gonna see him, right? Say it.

Okay. Okay.

I said I'm not going to.

-Don't do it. -Yes. I won't.

Do me a favor.

Promise me you're not gonna see Jerry Vance, okay?

Yes. I said yes.

So, crazy and insane, it's too much.

-Crazy plus insane, too much. -Yes. I said yes.

Okay, Karen, shit, I gotta go.

Listen, before I go, I need you to promise me

that you're not gonna see Jerry Vance.

-Okay. -Okay what?

-Okay. I won't see him. -Who?

-Jerry Vance. -Okay.

Now listen, remember I'm just gonna New York

for a little bit, just to make some money,

work with the event planner

so I can come back and be set up for a few months, okay?

-I love you. -Yes, I know,

and have a safe flight, and text me when you get there

and you are coming back, right?

-You promise? -Promise. For New Years.

Okay, now get the fuck outta here.

-Fuck you. -No, fuck you.

-No, fuck you. -Fuck you.

Fuck you!

(door slams)

(gentle music)

(door squeaks)

(gentle music continues)

(traffic whooshing)

[Make-Up Artist] Are you okay?

I texted an old girlfriend

to see if she wanted to get together,

and she hasn't gotten back to me.

Ah, you know, with Christmas coming up,

I, I don't know a lot of people here in LA so I just-

[Production Member] Mr. Vance, we need you on set.

Thank you.

Doll, could you just contour my chin line

just a little bit more?

-Ah, there it is. -There.

Jerry Vance is in the house.

Let's do this thing.

[Make-Up Artist] You look gorgeous. Get going.

Thanks doll.

(knock raps on door)

Alright. What the fuck did you forget?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was somebody else.

You're fine, Karen, how are you?

I'm fine.

Brendon just left for New York

and Jeffrey's going down to his mom's in two days,

and I don't know what the fuck Star's doing.

I told everybody I wanted 'em

out of the house for Christmas.

I wanna spend it alone.

Yeah, you mentioned that quite a few times, actually.

-Sorry. -(Clint laughs)

-How's Dr. Ramirez? -She's, she's good.

-Nice. -Yeah.

And what's going on with you and Roberta?

Oh, I don't know.

You don't know?

Yeah, I mean, (sighs)

things were good for a while, you know?

We went out on quite a few dates,

and I don't know, she's just busy now.

Always at some premier or some big festival or filming.

I don't know.

Yeah, well, maybe it's just not a match.

I mean, you can't force feelings.

I know I set you two up, but-

Yeah, and thank you for that,

'cause, I mean, you were right.

Everything is so good on paper.

She's smart and kind and creative.

You two could just be friends. We're friends.

Well, thank you Karen.

You know, I'd wanna be your friend

even if I wasn't paid to come give you your shots.

(laughs) Thank you.

Uh, speaking of, how much more of this are we gonna need?

Oh, um, shouldn't be too much longer.

I mean, it's kind of like a monitor-and-see type of thing.

Next week, you'll go in and you'll get your blood taken,

and that'll give us some more information to see what's up.

Mm. Vampires.

(laughs) Well it is a pleasure as always, Karen.

(gentle music)

We'll see you again soon.

(doorbell buzzes)

(energetic music)

-Hi. -Hi.

(energetic music continues)

(energetic music continues)

(energetic music continues)

(Paul gasping)

(Paul gasping)

Fuck. Oh.

(Paul breathing heavily)

(energetic music continues)

(energetic music continues)

-Ah, that was fun. -Yeah.

-(phone dings) -Oh, hold on.

-Okay, don't get upset. -What?

See?

-Oh my God. -(twinkling music)

It is like, we're gonna have to take two trips.

-I'm sorry. Got it? -Yeah.

I think I might be falling in love with you.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to add

-any more confusion. -No, no, it's okay.

It's okay, um.

Maybe you should stay here for a little while.

So you guys are fully broken up?

Yeah.

(Tom sighs)

We'll send back anything that you don't like.

Just please forgive me?

-Okay. -Okay.

I'm sorry.

Now let me set the mood.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

Alright, here we go.

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

-Cheers, sweetheart. -Cheers.

-Ugh, that is horrible. -(Charlie laughs)

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

(both laugh)

[Tom] Hey, I like it.

♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ See the blazing yule before us ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Strike the harp and join the chorus ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

So what do you think?

I actually love it.

-(laughs) Good.

(Charlie growls)

♪ While I tell of yuletide treasures ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fast away the old year passes ♪

-♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ -(birds chirping)

♪ Hail the new year, lads and lasses ♪

-♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪ -Mm, you smell good.

Oh shit, I forgot something. Hold on.

♪ Heedless of the wind and weather ♪

Perfect.

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

-(bright music) -(birds chirping)

(gentle music continues)

(bag rustling)

[Karen] Star?

Morning.

(gentle music continues)

Well, hello baby. I haven't seen you in a while.

Where have you been?

I've been staying over at Paul's.

(laughs) That's what I thought.

Listen honey, would you please make me a cup of coffee

and then maybe we could chat a little?

I just kind of wanna check in with you.

God, I don't know why nobody in this house

seems to be able to make a decent cup of coffee.

-Mm. -And yours is always so good.

-Yeah. -What's your secret baby?

Oh, just put too much in it. (laughs)

(laughs) Well, it's perfect.

Mm, thank you.

Now I just wanted to have a little sit down with you.

I wanted to say thank you,

'cause I haven't personally and individually told you

how grateful I am for the way you stepped up

when I was so ill.

I wasn't quite sure what to do with you

when we first entered our little family dynamic,

but you've been so sweet and so wonderful.

I've really fallen in love with you.

And you've made Jeffrey so happy,

especially after the way Brendon just up and left.

That asshole.

And I know it can't be easy for you,

the way he's just popped back in

as if everything's all normal.

Yeah.

I just, like, I'm so confused, like, I,

I just feel like I'm just being tossed aside, you know?

Like I, I, I was the one that took care of you.

I took care of Jeffrey after Brandon left,

and now that he's back...

(sighs) Well, just know that I am here for you.

And I understand.

I know this is a super fucked up situation.

-(gentle music) -Thank you.

(Star sighs)

-(gentle music continues) -Okay.

(Star sighs)

-(gentle music continues) -Fuck.

Where's a goddamn joint when you need one?

(birds chirping)

(gentle music continues)

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

-Hey. -Hey.

-Hi. How are you? -I'm good. Yeah, good.

Uh, can I, uh, can I talk to you for a minute?

Do you wanna meet up?

Um, I'm a little busy right now.

I have time around 5:00, if you wanna meet then.

-(traffic whooshing) -(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

Um, I wanted to talk to you.

I know I've been distant,

and it's just, I've been trying to focus on my career,

and I just got a call for a job in Paris, and-

Wow that's-

It's gonna be over the holidays.

That's amazing. Um, congratulations.

It's what you've always wanted, right?

Yes, it is.

I mean, I still can't believe it.

(passersby laughing)

Mm, which is why I wanted to tell you in person.

I'm gonna be super crazed for the next few weeks,

and I just, I think it'd,

I think it'd be better if we stayed friends.

I mean, I think you're super sweet and you're amazing

and you're kind and you're cute and everything.

I, I just don't think we can move forward.

And I, I just have to be completely honest with myself.

And I don't know, maybe I feel like you have been distant,

or there's a block in you

and you're not being 100% honest or real.

Well, I, I think,

I feel I have been honest with you about my emotions,

and I feel like I, I'm the vulnerable one

out of the two of us, and I, I've been open,

and it's something that we've really connected on,

which I feel is important,

but I mean, as much as I hate to say it,

I feel like we are two different people

at the end of the day.

And that sucks, 'cause I wanted us to work.

So I, I think we just,

we need a clean break, you know? I, I, I should go. (sighs)

(Roberta sighs)

See, I was right.

(bright music)

(water splashing)

(stove clicking)

(pasta rattling)

(knock raps on door)

Who the fuck is that?

So.

-Thank you, Karen. -You're welcome.

-When are you leaving? -Tomorrow.

I haven't even packed yet.

I didn't have a passport,

so they had to pay extra for me to get one.

It comes tomorrow.

Damn. What time is your flight?

4:00 PM.

Babe, that's cutting it a bit fucking close.

I know.

So what happened with Clint?

I felt like it wasn't going anywhere,

and I didn't wanna drag it,

so I told him I was leaving and all of that.

How did he take it?

He was really sad.

You wanna know what I think?

-No. -I think you ended it

before it could go anywhere,

but because you were afraid that he was gonna end it,

and doing it that way kept you in charge.

-(objects clunking) -Maybe.

Yes, more than maybe.

Jeffrey, what the hell are you doing in there?

[Jeffrey] Packing. I go see my mom tomorrow.

Oh, that's right. Yes.

That means this Christmas,

I will be spending it fucking alone.

Brendon's in New York. Jeffrey will be with his mother.

Um, Star is shacked up with Paul.

The entire house will be mine.

Yes, it's just how I wanted it.

And I will be sleeping in the big bed while you're gone.

Now back to you.

Clint is a good guy. I get it.

You're just protecting yourself, but love is never easy.

It never has been, and it is never gonna be.

I think we need a little shot of something.

Tequila?

Okay, yes.

(gentle music)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(Tom yawns)

(gentle music continues)

-Merry Christmas! -(Charlie laughs)

Almost.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

I forgot to turn the bedroom music off.

-Mm. -Or I'm not sorry,

'cause it woke you up, and I love you.

(both laugh)

-Well, thank you. -Yeah.

You know, I've been inspired by your zeal for Christmas.

-Oh really? -Yeah.

-Do you want eggs? -Yeah, that'd be great.

-Thanks. -Oh, here.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

So I'm writing a Christmas song.

-(laughs) That's awesome. -Yeah.

-What's it called? -It's called "Ho Ho Homo."

(laughs) Oh my god. That's ridiculous.

But it's amazing, and I can't wait to hear it.

-Thank you. -(Charlie laughs)

(phone buzzes)

Dude. I can't believe this.

I'm getting so many subscribers.

This is wild. Like, I'm actually making money of this.

-Look. -Well of course.

Sexy cub like you and little boot shorts and nothing else,

talking about what's going on in your day and shit.

Yeah. It's, like, exhausting.

I don't know what to say.

It's like, what am I gonna...

-I'll show 'em- -Hello.

I'll show him the ornaments!

-Duh. (laughs) -Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Look at my house.

It is So Christmas-ied up.

Look, pink, and it's so cute, and it's so nice.

I am so excited for Christmas this year,

and I've got some Christmas music coming out,

so be ready for that.

I mean, that was stupid, right?

-I was such an idiot. -(laughs) That was great.

Mm, you're perfect.

Thank you.

Mm. I love you.

(birds chirping)

Jeffrey. Jeffrey.

You're leaving without hugging me goodbye?

I gotta go to the airport.

-Mm, mm. -Bye.

-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas, baby.

(door clicks)

Finally. (sighs)

Now what?

(Karen gaps)

Jerry,

how the hell are you?

(phone dings)

Don't do it. You hear me?

How?

(gentle music)

So, how you feeling?

(sighs) Confused.

It's all so crazy, you know? I just...

Just know I, I do have feelings for you.

I'm just, I'm confused.

-I don't- -No pressure.

Maybe I shouldn't have told you how I was feeling.

It's okay.

That is as honest as I can be though now.

And I do know one thing.

-What's that? -I don't want to be a third.

-Hi mom. -Well, hello my love.

What's wrong?

Paul and I have split.

[Grace's Mom] Oh, sweetheart.

Star, remember Star, the guy I was telling you about?

He's living here now and...

[Grace's Mom] Come home for Christmas.

That way we can figure it all out together.

Do we have a theme?

-Uh. -You don't even know.

You don't even know what's in here.

(Paul laughs)

-I got jingle bells. -Nice.

Let's put these up.

Hey, they don't have little things to hang them from though.

Um, I think you just put them on.

(Paul and Star speaking faintly)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

Looks good.

[Star] Hey, do you want some wine or something?

-Yes. -Yeah?

(Star speaks faintly)

Thank you.

(group speaking faintly and laughing)

(gentle music continues)

(group speaking faintly and laughing)

(Paul laughs)

-Oh! Too hot. -Oh.

-Do a twirl. -(gentle music continues)

Mm-hmm.

-(Paul laughs) -You wanna try it on?

-Sure. -(gentle music continues)

(Star speaks faintly)

-Okay. -Cheers.

(gentle music continues)

-Come in, come in. -Hi.

Oh, you look amazing.

I like to look cute when I fly.

You never know who you might meet.

True. So true.

I always do.

One time I had on this miniskirt

and this tube top and I ran into Tommy Tune

and Richard Simmons on my way to New York,

and they invited me to this wild party,

but I really don't remember anything after that.

But, but anyway, knock 'em dead.

Oh, thank you.

I'm really nervous. Actually, a lot nervous.

Honey, you'll be amazing.

-Thank you. -(car honking)

Oh, that's my car.

-Okay, bye. Bye. -Bye. (kisses) Bye.

(bright music)

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

-(bright music continues) -(Karen sighs)

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

[Movie Character] Oh my God.

Did you hear that they're not going to have

the pageant this year?

I can't believe it. What are the kids going do?

-Ugh, who writes this shit? -(movie continues faintly)

Just sell a fucking kidney on the black market,

or become a stripper or, or have nasty-ass sex

with that hot hunk from the city and he'll cover everything.

Oh, fuck it. I don't give a shit.

(festive music plays)

(blankets rustling)

(gentle music)

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ Wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

Where the fuck did you come from?

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪

Jerry Vance?

Karen?

Karen!

Oh my God,

it is great to see you.

You look amazing.

Thank you. I do?

They may not have the Christmas pageant

in the park this year.

For some reason, they say there's no money.

You have gotta be fucking kidding me. (sighs)

-No. -♪ Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy new year ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

(intense music)

(Karen sighs)

(knock raps on door)

Oh my God. I forgot you were coming.

It's so nice to see you.

-Come in. -Always a pleasure, Karen.

Come in.

(Clint speaks softly)

So what are you doing for Christmas?

Oh, um, probably same as always,

go back to my parents in Newport Beach.

You know, just behind the Orange Curtain.

Well, that sounds nice.

Do you have any more clients today?

Or maybe you're a little hungry? You wanna drink?

You could hang out for a little while?

Am I sensing a little bit of cabin fever?

-You're God damn right. -(Clint laughs)

Okay. Slight pinch.

Very good.

You know, I thought being alone was gonna be amazing,

but I'm just so used to having

a lot of people around, I guess.

Yeah, well, I mean, I was about to go get lunch,

if you wanted to come with me.

I could whip something up for us

so we could have it out on the patio with a glass of wine?

Oh, well, twist my arm, why don't ya?

-Mm. -(gentle music)

That was amazing.

I mean, Roberta always told me that you were a cook,

but my good...

I'm sorry, chef.

Oh, honey, cook is fine. I'm not fancy about it.

That's all I was until Brendon started the events business,

and then he was like, "You're gonna cook."

And I did, and it worked, and here we are.

-Here we are. -You know,

I grew up in a family with a lot of siblings,

and my mother was a terrible cook,

so one day I just decided I'd take it over

and do the cooking myself.

And I always thought my really religious family

was disappointed in me,

but cooking made up for it a little bit.

It, it took the attention off me.

I was always in the kitchen making the meals.

So how was your childhood?

Oh gosh, that is a loaded question. (laughs)

Uh, my childhood was pretty good, I'd say.

My mom was amazing.

My dad was in and out, a little bit.

Kind of a rollercoaster of emotions,

but let me see, I always loved playing nurse as a kid.

Shocker, I know. (laughs)

And then down the line,

I started discovering my sexuality

and I came out to my mom,

and she took it really, really well, which was great.

We talked about boys left and right,

and that was kind of our favorite pastime for a while,

and then it turned into more than just boys for me,

which kind of confused her a little bit.

She's not too comfortable with the fluid part of it,

but she always says this famous mantra or motto

of I may not understand everything,

but I love my son just the same.

-Oh. -It's cheesy.

No, I, I think it can be hard for people sometimes

when it's not black or white.

They just, they want it to be either

you're gay or you're straight,

and if it's anything outside of that,

it kind of short circuits their motherboard.

And how about your father, if he's still in the picture?

Yeah. Yeah, he's still in the picture.

Um, it's a bit of a rocky relationship, kind of in and out.

But things are good now.

It's kind of the whole like, don't ask don't tell

kind of situation, which weirdly works for us.

-So. -That's good.

And, and your mother sounds amazing.

Yeah, she is.

So, um, Roberta told me you're not really

into the whole Christmas thing.

Well, that's kind of complicated.

I mean, I, I told you I grew up

in this super religious family, so they told us right away

that Santa Claus was not real,

and the reason for the season was

our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

It was just a lot of going to church constantly

and praying, praying, praying for the world,

praying for our family, praying for our sins.

And of course, when I finally came out as a trans woman,

or I guess I should say,

when my pastor outed me to my parents.

How, how did that happen?

Well, the fucker just kept asking me and asking me,

and I, I was terrified, so I didn't wanna say anything.

And then he's like, "If you lie to me, God will tell me."

And, and that really scared me,

so I told him, and he immediately told my parents.

And then he told us

that we were no longer welcome at church.

And, and all those people we had known for all those years

wouldn't talk to us anymore.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

How did your parents react to all of it?

Well, they, they never really talked to me about it.

You know, they just kind of went on,

and, uh, I could tell they still loved me.

And it's kind of weird because we never talked about it,

but they, they never got any less religious,

so we still just prayed and prayed and prayed a lot.

And, uh, mom would read the scriptures every Sunday,

and I hated it,

but I always found solace in the cooking

and in playing my fiddle.

(laughs) I'm sorry, fiddle?

I, I, I don't mean to laugh, I just,

I don't see you as much of a fiddle gal.

Well, I was, and I was good at it.

And before we got shunned, I would play in church,

and I'd have these moments of rapturous euphoria,

everybody clapping, and I did love that.

Do you still play at all?

I don't, really, and I don't know why.

I guess life just happened.

Life has a funny way of doing that to ya.

Oh, I'm surprised, honestly,

that you didn't get into the whole Christmas thing

as an adult, you know, the Christmas trees,

the lights everywhere, the fun music,

you know, just the joyous celebration,

especially since you were so deprived as a kid from it.

Yeah, I guess, I guess I just still have

all that horrible programming in my brain.

It's really fucked up.

Yeah, well, hey, just know it is never too late

to reprogram.

You know, you deserve all the joy in the world,

and nobody is going to strip you of that,

-not on my watch, okay? -Well, thank you.

-Cheers to you. -Cheers.

-And to us. -Yes.

Hmm.

Barbara, Santa Claus knows everything,

whether you've been good or bad, so you better be good.

So you understand, Barbara. (sighs)

Barbara, what a strange name for a child.

Barbara, Santa Claus knows everything,

whether you've been bad or good,

so you better be good.

Do you understand. Barbara?

-What is she an idiot? -(stylist laughs)

These aren't even the lyrics from the song.

Clarice, Santa Claus knows everything,

whether you've been bad or good.

So you better be good Clarice, do you understand?

This should be a horror film.

Hey, have you heard from your old girlfriend yet?

Can you believe it? No.

I guess she doesn't wanna see me.

But was it a good breakup?

Well, yes.

I mean, I, I, I, I think so.

I mean, I, I, I do remember

she's the one that broke up with me.

I think, maybe I, I dunno.

You know, I am just going to text her again,

because tomorrow's Christmas Eve,

and I don't want to be alone.

-Yeah. -Hey, Karen,

it's me again.

Christmas Eve would be fun to get together and catch up.

-Good. -Love Jerry.

Uh, do you think love's too much?

[Make-Up Artist] It's all right.

No, I'm not gonna, it's fine.

-Send. -(phone whooshes)

Or maybe I should have put XO or XX,

one of those emojis, you know,

with the heart kiss face thing coming out of the,

the cat with two heart eyes.

Enough already. Enough.

You're right. You're right.

I should just be concentrating on making movie magic, right?

Let's do this thing. Are they ready for me yet?

(bright music)

(bright music continues)

(Karen inhales sharply)

Oh fuck. It's fucking Christmas Eve day?

(phone dings)

Hey everybody, I'm coming back from New York

to surprise Karen tomorrow morning.

So I'll see y'all soon. Merry fucking Christmas!

Mom! Open the door!

Come help me with these.

[TV Announcer] Next, "Christmas on the Farm,"

starring Jerry Vance and Natalie Storm.

Jerry Vance? I didn't know he did some of these.

-Fuck it. -(festive music plays)

(bright music)

God damn it.

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

Merry fuckin' Christmas.

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

(glass clinks)

Can I please get back to cutting up things I love?

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

I miss my family.

Hi, all.

Wishing you

a fuckity-fuck-fuck Christmas Eve.

I love you all and I miss you.

(phone whooshes)

Fuck it. (sighs)

Jerry. How the hell are you?

What the fuck? Sure.

Come on over tonight.

We'll catch up.

It will be great to see you.

-(phone whooshes) -(sighs) Bullshit.

(phone dings)

Oh my God.

-Okay then. Address please. -(phone whooshes)

Driver, we'll be making a stop.

(bright music continues)

-(bright music continues) -(Karen sighs)

(bright music continues)

♪ Jingle balls, jingle balls ♪

(Jerry hums)

(gentle music)

(knock raps on door)

Come in.

(knock raps on door)

Come in.

Fuck.

(gentle music continues)

Wow. How the hell are you?

Karen. Wow.

So good to see you. You look great.

Why don't you come on in, Jerry.

Ah. (laughs)

(bells jingling)

Merry Christmas.

Oh, a Christmas plant, my favorite.

They're silk.

That means you can use them every year.

Why don't you just set these down somewhere?

Okay.

Oh, no, no, not there.

Uh.

Definitely not there.

-Okay. -Oh, not there.

Any suggestions?

Um, just set 'em on the hearth.

Okay.

Perfect.

Ooh, and, uh, that bottle you brought,

-(Jerry laughs) -I was thinking I could, uh,

we could use a little drinky-poo.

Great. Champagne flutes?

In the kitchen.

Oh, um, I, I guess I'll go find them.

-Good, good. -Yeah. (sighs)

(glass shatters)

-I'll get you new ones. -Don't worry about it.

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

There you are.

(Jerry sighs)

Let's do this.

(gentle music continues)

Mm-hmm.

(Jerry sighs)

Here, hand it over.

(bottle pops)

(gentle music continues)

-To old times. -To old times.

-(Jerry sighs) -Thirsty?

Karen, may I be frank with you?

Please.

(sighs) I've,

for some strange reason, I, I just get...

(sighs) I don't know, Karen,

you just petrify me.

I mean, I'm, I, I, I get tongue tied,

I get nervous, I get excited.

I, I, I just don't understand.

-(glass clinking) -(liquid pouring)

(gentle music continues)

I'm a very successful actor.

I have a Tony, a fricking Tony.

I just co-starred in a major motion picture.

I have a television series,

and for some reason, you make me crumble.

Is that why you've always been so obnoxious?

(sighs) Well, I, I hope I haven't been that bad,

but, but yes. I'm not myself around you.

Well, honey, why didn't you fuckin' tell me?

There is no reason for you to be uncomfortable around me.

I used to go see you on stage,

and you, you were amazing.

Wow. Really?

Tell me more.

I would go sit at the bar,

and you would come out on stage

in, in practically nothing, looking amazing,

and you would sing like nobody else.

And the crowd, (sighs)

they would go wild, screaming.

I never told you this?

And I was nobody.

I mean, (laughs) I couldn't get a, a, an audition.

I couldn't get a job anywhere.

But this one night,

after the show,

you came out and you sat at the bar stool,

my special bar stool, right next to me.

-I did? -Yeah.

And you said, "Oh, hello."

(laughs) And I bought you a, a drink

with the last $5 I had in my wallet.

You were so nice.

I, I, I, I, I cannot believe I've, I've never told you this.

You asked me how I was.

And I told you,

um, nothing was happening.

I couldn't get anything going,

and I was, I was ready to pack it in.

And you looked me straight in the eye,

and you said, "Never give up.

Someone who gives up gets nowhere."

That was everything. It meant everything to me.

That, you know, it's like a, a light bulb went off,

and then, then that whole Oprah moment.

And it wasn't too much longer after that

that I got my first Broadway role.

And I felt worthy enough

to reach back out to you

and ask you for a date.

Wow. Everything is starting to make sense now.

You know, why don't we do something about it?

You are looking pretty hot.

(laughs) Really?

Sure, why not? I haven't had sex in about six years.

(coughs) Six years?

It's a long story, and if we're gonna do this,

I think I need a little bit more to drink.

(glass clinking)

(Jerry laughs)

Mm.

And now I'm going to go change into something

a little more comfortable.

(Jerry sighs)

Eh-heh.

(Jerry laughing)

-(fabric rips) -(Jerry groans)

(gentle music)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

Karen?

Jerry Vance?

Karen?

Karen.

Hello Brendon. Is it New Year's already?

Why, why is Jerry Vance passed out in the other room?

-Who? -Jerry Vance.

Jerry Vance.

(Karen breathing deeply)

(Brendon sighs)

(Jerry groans)

(Brendon sighs)

(traffic rumbling faintly)

(liquid pouring)

Hey gang. I've arrived home.

I'm gonna run to the store to get dinner fixings.

Just wondering if anyone is coming.

Merry fucking Christmas,

exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.

-(phone whooshes) -(bright music)

(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

(laughs) Hey.

(bright music continues)

-Oh. -Yeah. Great.

-Hey! -Hey! (laughs)

-So nice to see you. -Good to see you.

Gotta get my hood.

(group speaking faintly)

-Hey! -Hey, guys.

-Hey! -Hey!

-(bright music continues) -(group chatting faintly)

-(group chatting faintly) -(bright music continues)

(bright music continues)

(group chattering and laughing)

(bright music continues)

(group chattering and laughing continues)

(bright music continues)

(group chattering and laughing continues)

Holy fuck, you all came home for Christmas.

-(group cheers) -(gentle music)

Jerry Vance, What the hell are you doing here?

That's exactly what I was asking.

You invited me.

We talked, it was amazing,

and I don't remember anything after that,

but apparently my pants fell off. (laughs)

Oh, that's nice. Wait, it is coming back to me.

You were explaining

why you always used to be such a douche bag.

He was nervous and overcompensating.

Well, I mean, I guess that makes sense, right?

Hey, don't worry about it.

Merry Christmas, okay? Welcome to the Manzanita house.

(group laughs)

So Karen, what are we calling this?

Uh, fuckity-fuck-fuck Christmas?

All right, merry

-fuckity-fuck-fuck Christmas. -Fuckity-fuck-fuck Christmas!

-(group cheering) -I think you might wanna

button up your shirt.

Alright, everybody listen up.

I'm gonna go get some food and prepare dinner.

Go back to your respective apartments,

get the hell outta here,

and I'll call you when it's done, okay?

All right, regroup.

Hey, uh, Star, why don't you come out with me?

We need to talk for a little bit.

-Okay. -Okay?

-(gentle music continues) -(group whispering)

(birds chirping)

This has gotta be really uncomfortable for you,

I, I, I can feel that.

I can see it. I understand.

It's an awkward situation and I understand

that you don't really wanna do this anymore, am I right?

Yeah, that's...

I don't wanna share Jeffrey, okay?

So yeah, it's really fuckin' shitty.

It is shitty.

Did you tell Jeffrey how you feel?

He knows I'm unhappy.

I guess you're staying at Paul's?

(Star sighs)

Look, (sighs) I am really, really sorry.

It's a crazy situation.

Jeffrey and I have been together since high school.

-So what are we supposed to- -Yes, I get it. I get it.

I just don't like it.

That's fair.

Karen and Jeffrey have been my family

for the past three years.

I came here, I came to LA, been here for a few months,

I was leaving (indistinct) where I met you both.

I came here, moved to your house, you left.

Okay, now you're back and you take priority, so.

(sighs) Look, if you're gonna do something unconventional,

you're gonna have unconventional feelings.

I just don't really know what to say.

Mm-mm.

(gentle music continues)

(gentle music continues)

(Star sighs)

(gentle music)

-All right. -Hey, look at that.

(group speaking faintly)

-Oh, this is gorgeous. -Hey.

(group laughing and chattering faintly)

Hi. (laughs) Thought I'd stop over, so I'm here.

Where is Karen?

(group speaking faintly)

Yeah, she wants to make an entrance.

Of course.

Oh everyone, this is my mom.

-Hi. -Hello.

-Hi. -Hi, everyone. (laughs)

That's awesome.

(group chattering and laughing)

-You don't wanna pour for me? -Some wine?

-No, it's okay, it's okay. -(group chattering)

-Oh, no, no, I have to. -Should we do Karen's?

Oh, I've ruined it. He's gonna hate me forever now.

(group chattering and laughing)

-You're fine. You're fine. -Thanks.

(group chattering and laughing)

(group cheers)

Sit down, sit down, yeah.

(group laughing)

Thank you.

Christmas angel.

Ah, now this year I could address you standing up,

but I don't want to.

Why should I, right?

Oh, everybody, uh, this is, uh, Mr. Vance.

He's a Broadway superstar, Tony Award winner,

and yes, for those of you not in the know,

we are old flames.

He came by last night to visit

'cause I was feeling a little sad and drunk.

(Jerry laughs)

Get your minds out of the gutter.

-Nothing happened. -(group laughs)

We just had a wonderful conversation about days gone by

and then we fell asleep.

Ah, well and then I also fell down,

hurt my head.

-Oh. -Still hurts.

(group laughs)

And I'm talking about this, and not that one.

Oh my God, these guys.

Their minds always go right to the gutter.

But anyway, he's a good guy,

and I want you to treat him nice.

Now, where's my glasses?

They're on your tit.

(group laughs)

Got 'em. And I knew they were there.

That was the test, and you passed it with flying-

Is that what we're calling senility these days?

I will ignore that remark because it's Christmas.

(sighs) I wanted to thank each and every one of you

for coming out tonight,

because I choose you all to be part of our lives,

because I always dreamed to be Mrs. Madrigal

and have amazing, loving people around me.

And by the way, yes, this is the same speech I gave

when I first got outta the hospital,

but I went over and thought, hell,

if I just change a few things,

-it means all the same shit. -(group laughs)

So, um,

well, I didn't know you all were coming.

I'm going by the seat of my panties right now.

All of you are amazing and wonderful people,

people who are good to the core,

and I know I, we will all continue

to keep each other safe in these ridiculous times.

Why don't we all just raise a glass and make a toast

to all the people that we love who are right here.

Happy motherfucking Thanksgiving.

-Wait, wait, okay. -(group laughs)

Merry fuckity-fuck-fuck Christmas.

[Group] Merry fuckity-fuck-fuck Christmas.

-(group laughs) -(glasses clinking)

-Cheers! -Cheers, honey.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Oh. (laughs)

(phone rings)

And who the fuck is that?

It's Roberta from Paris.

-Ah! -Aww.

Hi.

Happy fuckity-fuck-fuck Christmas, everyone.

I miss you so much. I'm sorry I couldn't make it.

Oh, hi baby. We miss you.

I hope everything's going amazing.

It's going so great. Paris is so beautiful.

Okay, I won't keep you, but I miss you and love you all.

-Love you! -We love you!

Aww. Au revoir! (laughs)

(group speaking softly)

All right everybody, there is one other person

I would like to address,

somebody who I am actually not missing right now.

I'm so glad you're back with me, baby.

Well, thank you.

And I promise I won't do that to you again.

Clint, you son of a bitch. Get your ass in here.

Everybody, Clint is joining us

from beyond the Orange Curtain.

-(group laughing) -[Grace] Hey. Oh my God.

(laughs) I didn't realize you'd all be here.

I thought I was just gonna come in unnoticed.

-Hi. -Hi.

(group laughing)

All right everybody. So let's fuckin' eat.

(group cheers and claps)

Well, we did the best we could

with what was available like hours before, so.

-(group laughs) -Just put plenty of gravy on it.

-It'll be amazing. -For sure.

(group chattering)

[Clint] No, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Ugh, getting here Christmas morning was such a pain.

Why didn't you fucking tell me?

Well, were you surprised?

Yes.

Well, they wanted to surprise you. So you were surprised?

Yes.

Well then it worked then. (laughs)

Did you orchestrate this entire thing yourself?

-Well, Jeffrey and I did. -We texted over it.

What is going on here with Star?

Well, we, we talked.

It just, I think for the sake of his heart,

we gotta stop it and end it, you know what I mean?

Drama.

Can never be smooth fucking sailing around here.

You can say that fuckin' again.

Do you want, would you want it any other way though?

No.

I wanna do this toast. Okay, listen up.

All right, this is to Karen,

to the most boisterous, outrageous,

insane, crazy, er,

generous, sweet, loving, insane, crazy...

No, this the same speech I gave last time, too.

I don't really know what else to say,

except, thank you, Karen, we love you.

Happy fuckity-fuck-fuck Christmas, everybody.

-You're the best. -Yay.

[Jeffrey] Well, we love you, Karen.

(glasses clinking)

Well, I have to add my love in here, too.

[Karen] Uh, thank God this isn't a roast.

(group laughs)

I, I don't even know how to thank you, Karen.

Like, over all of the patients,

like, I know I'm not supposed to have favorites,

but you're my favorite.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

-Cheers. -Lovely.

(glasses clinking)

I am extremely indebted to all of you

and I feel incredibly blessed

that I now have a chosen family, so thank you.

Thank you, thank you, and cheers.

Oh, (laughs)

well, I, I wasn't planning on saying anything, but I will.

Well, I just wanna say, Karen,

thank you so much for being so kind

to my darling daughter, and well,

I, I'm just so happy to be here.

Ditto to all that.

-(group laughs) -That's all I got.

(glasses clinking)

Just wanna thank you all for welcoming us into the fold.

(indistinct)

And I know I've said it before,

but I'm gonna say it again.

The amount of love in this room is amazing,

and I just thanks everybody.

And Tom, you're kind of amazing.

[Group] Oh!

You dropped your napkin.

(group laughs)

(glasses clinking)

Well, I was gonna say something really nice,

-but fuck you, -(group laughs)

and I'm just so grateful to be here.

So Merry Christmas everybody.

[Group] Cheers.

And thank God or the universe or whoever

that you're doing so good.

Um, (laughs) Jerry Vance here.

I just want to thank you for this wonderful,

heartwarming Christmasy day,

and I cherish each and every one of you.

I mean, who says LA isn't friendly?

I've got new friends, and what do new friends do?

New friends watch their friend's new TV series

premiering this season, "LACI."

But I, I, I'm sorry. I have to I have to,

I have to stop this horrible babble, um.

There's that honesty thing coming up again. (sighs)

This has been so real and so loving.

And let's face it, I would be sitting in my hotel room

all alone right now if you weren't so inviting

and welcoming into this, (sighs)

well, what you have with Karen, a family.

And, and it was glorious

to reconnect with you

and to meet all you,

so,

merry fuckity-fuck to one and all.

(group laughing and chattering)

-(glasses clinking) -And scene! And scene.

Tom and I have planned something very special

for out on the patio.

So with no further ado, if we could all rise

and wander out that way, we'll see what it is.

-Oh. -Oh, okay, yeah.

-All right. -I'm ready.

Oh. (laughs)

Oh, I thought all you theater types were gay,

but I would swear that you are flirting with me.

Oh, I'm, uh, fluid. Isn't that what young people say?

I believe they do? (laughs)

Well, I like fluids. (laughs)

(bright music)

♪ Ho ho ho ♪

♪ Candy cane and mistletoe ♪

♪ Garland, glitter, silver bow ♪

♪ Smell of ginger in the wind ♪

♪ Kiss of eggnog on your skin ♪

♪ It is all I've ever wanted ♪

♪ To be loved like Farrah Fawcett ♪

♪ So take my hand ♪

♪ And let's begin ♪

♪ The gayest Christmas ever lived ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Stockings hanging all about ♪

♪ Stroll around while making out ♪

♪ Fire and brimstone kind of sin ♪

♪ I want that more than anything ♪

♪ I'm over asking for permission ♪

♪ To be the greatest rendition ♪

♪ Of two humans lost in love ♪

♪ Catching kisses over brunch ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ I've always had to settle for less than most do ♪

♪ But you and me are about to ♪

♪ Charm Christmas up like we're born to ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

♪ Ho ho homo ♪

(group cheering and clapping)

(bright twinkling music)

♪ Tidy wrap boxes underneath green branches ♪

♪ What are the chances it's December ♪

♪ The cold winds blowing through mistletoe ♪

♪ And stockings afoot now by the fireplace ♪

♪ But here's the thing about Christmas ♪

♪ They say it don't mean nothin' ♪

♪ Unless you got somebody else to share it with ♪

♪ But I'm alone this Christmas ♪

-♪ And I will be okay ♪ -(person sighs)

♪ I'll have my own kind of ♪

♪ Special holiday ♪

♪ You'd think I'd be blue ♪

♪ Here without you ♪

♪ At Christmas time ♪