Original subtitles

People think that Custer

and his like were the first white men

we saw in these parts,

but they'd be wrong.

For hundreds of years, the Northmen raided our villages,

killing our people.

They came from across the sea,

bringing only death in their wake.

We fought them for centuries,

until eventually only one remained,

the Horned Wolf, we called him.

They say he was forced into the mountains

by a single brave,

Screaming Panther.

The Panther cornered the Wolf up in those mountain passes,

so they say.

And a mighty battle was fought.

Neither man was ever seen alive again.

Some say the Horned Wolf still wanders these parts,

feeding on people,

his hunger not yet sated,

his hatred a burning fire,

a furnace of evil powering an undead killing machine.

Scary shit, eh?

Damn, Joe.

I just came by for some milk.

And your point is, exactly?

Listen, when you were saying "we" fought the white man,

is that like a...

You're...

I don't wanna assume, but, er, are you Native,

Native, Native American?

No.

I'm from Liverpool, home of The Beatles.

But I fell in love with a woman from these parts,

and she taught me her ways.

When she passed over,

I stayed on and bought this place.

I'm just gonna go get some milk.

Yeah, you do that.

And it's an honor to work here.

No offenses to any culture.

That's what Custer said.

Go get your milk.

I'll keep an eye out for the horny wolf.

Horned Wolf!

That...

And the Wendigo!

Yeah, that one.

And the Chupacabra!

Him too!

Suck your face right off!

Come on!

Come on!

Sheriff.

Josey.

Pay him no mind,

he's just sore 'cause his horse didn't come back

at the track yesterday.

He told me he was feeling fast!

Horses don't talk!

Says you!

Josey, I-I just stopped by

to pick up something that I need,

which would be...

Uh, do you have milk?

Oh! Sure, we do.

It's in the back, you know,

in the refrigerator.

Of course, where it's cold.

That makes sense. Good place for it.

Sheriff, it's Doris!

Come in, Doris, just picking up some milk.

I found that athlete's foot powder

you were looking for, hon.

Doris, Doris, I'm good on that.

Also, them local kids must have been drinking

up at the burial grounds again.

We got an anonymous tip.

Strange noises in the night.

They're messing with forces they just can't comprehend.

Thanks for that, Joe.

Copy that, Doris.

Doom awaits you up there in those woods!

Lots of people have gone missing over the years.

Smarter looking people than you.

Listen, Josey, if you need anything at all,

I'm new in town,

and all you have to do is just...

Call the police?

That's right. That's me.

So yeah, just call the police,

and I'll probably pick it up.

Sure thing, Sheriff.

All right.

Well, see you later.

See ya.

And the milk.

Right, right.

Of course, the milk in the back.

Joe, you have a great day, all right?

The wind whispers to me

of terrible things on the horizon.

Or not.

Why do I have a feeling you don't like me very much?

Terrible things!

Can I help you, Officer?

Yes, sir.

You're aware you were speeding back there?

Really?

Nope, I don't think I was.

120 miles per hour.

That's a little too fast anywhere.

I'll have to see your license and registration.

Okay.

License.

And registration.

My name's Sheriff Tim Hatfield.

I'm new in town.

Unfortunately, I'm gonna have

to see some real license and registration.

Okay.

Barf.

Homer Barf.

Thank you.

Are we in trouble, sugar?

Hush up, Dana.

It's Susan, thank you very much!

Say it with me, "Susan."

Whatever! Just zip it!

You don't even know my name, do you?

Mr. Barf, is this your vehicle?

It is my daddy's.

Uh-huh. Who's your dad?

Well, he's only the man who ran this town.

What do you guys do in town?

Well, if you must know,

I am in fact a painter.

Oh.

Ma'am?

I am an exotic dancer.

I work on Thursdays and Sundays

over at the Happy Beaver, down on McAllister.

You should come by some time, Sheriff.

Uh...

we'll see.

Can I go now, or do you two need a room?

Well, unfortunately, Mr. Barf,

I'm gonna have to write you a citation.

Well, you just opened up Pandora's case, buddy.

It's Pandora's box, silly.

Whatever.

There you are.

For the sake of others and yourselves,

please be careful on the roads.

All right?

We'll be seeing you around, Officer.

That's for sure.

He just jumped right in front of me.

There's nothing I could do.

He just came springing out of the woods?

Ahem!

Technically, we don't assign gender to our animals.

Say what?

Well, we don't wanna accidentally misgender this moose.

The moose?

Yeah, National Park Service protocol, as of January.

Animals can be non-gender too, you know?

Frogs, jellyfish, and the like.

Well, missy, those are some pretty big balls

on that genderless moose.

All right.

Let's not talk about the balls on the moose.

Ma'am, what's a non-male moose?

That would be a birthing moose.

What about my truck?

Killed by a genderless moose.

Well, we'll take care of your truck, sir, I promise.

It'll be all right.

Brokeback moose.

Now, okay.

So, let's take said not-birthing moose and move it off.

Hmm?

Yeah?

You all right there, bud?

Oh, Wally, you're not gonna believe what just happened.

You hear that?

That's the sound of nothing stupid happening.

I don't hear anything.

But Wally, listen, there's a new sheriff in town.

And guess what?

He gave me a ticket!

Can you believe that?

Were you speeding?

A little bit.

In daddy's car?

Maybe.

Were you picking up hookers again?

No, Wally. I swear.

I'm a painter now.

Yeah, I've seen your paintings.

It looks like a bear got into the paint cans

and shat himself.

It's called being an expressionist.

An expression out of a bear's ass.

You always put me down.

We are family, you know?

Yeah, and so was Fredo.

Daddy would want you to treat me with respect.

Daddy put me in charge.

I'm the lawyer.

You failed the test 13 times.

You thought prepping for the bar

was honing up on your cocktail skills.

Now I need you to quiet down and get over here.

Behold, dipshit, your father's legacy.

Our inheritance.

A dollhouse?

No, you idiot.

It's a design for our very own hotel-casino-resort property.

Barf Towers!

Will there be hot tubs?

Easy, boy!

It's a very delicate operation here.

If we do well here in Pokie County,

then we'll have a line of Barf Towers all coast to coast.

What about a dance club?

Will there be a disco?

There's just one problem.

Tiny. Really insignificant.

It's me again, isn't it?

No, it's the heritage folks.

I don't follow?

There's a shocker.

What's stopping us?

An old Viking burial site.

Here, where we're scheduled to dig.

Apparently, those stupid Vikings used

to bury their folks up there.

Animals!

Idiots!

Somebody oughta really do something about it,

make that burial site a piece of ancient history.

Wally, let me do it! I can help!

No, this is a job for professionals.

Men with resolve.

Well, Daddy once said that

if a man's old enough to have babies,

then he's old enough to create an empire,

through his children.

Daddy may be gone,

but I am Daddy's children,

and I have a baby-maker!

Are you high?

No, not intentionally.

Come on, Wally. Gimme a chance.

Wally...

What's the point of all this hotel legacy stuff

if I didn't do anything to earn it?

Let me do this one thing, to prove that I love you.

It's simple enough, hypothetically speaking.

Don't screw this up!

He did say I have a knack for wrecking things.

No!

Ahem.

Long day?

Yeah. You could say that.

Sheriff, city towing says they're backed up

till this afternoon.

Well, Doris, we can't have that carcass on the road.

We gotta get that off ASAP.

-Copy that. -I did tell them.

And?

They recommended a chainsaw in the meanwhile.

Over.

A chainsaw?

Do you know how nasty that is?

We'll be carving that thing up till Thanksgiving.

Oh, and Sheriff?

That balding treatment shampoo you ordered came in.

You know, the prescription-strength stuff

you had me find. Over?

Doris, I think we're good on that one.

Sure thing, hon.

Thank you.

The hat, it kind of pushes back on the hair.

And it's not a real problem, but...

Ahem.

Was there something you needed?

Some milk perhaps?

No.

Well, yeah, I did...

I needed...

I need something.

Headphones.

Headphones.

That's what I needed.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Uh, nice cat.

Screaming Panther.

He fought the Horned Wolf to avenge his beloved.

Or so the story goes.

Joe mentioned that, yeah.

It's just a myth, but I like it.

It's kind of romantic.

It is kind of romantic, isn't it?

Will that be all?

Yeah, I...

Come on, man!

I mean, it's nice that y'all are having a moment, but...

I'll add it to your tab.

Thank you.

I can help the next customer.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi.

Dumb Vikings.

Stupid stuff!

What the heck!

Oh, shit!

What are those things?

Oh!

My eyebrows!

Oh, my God!

What the hell?

Once my uncle finishes his new hotel,

I'll be the floor manager.

I'll be the third or fourth most powerful man in town.

Well, that'll be good.

Yeah, it will be.

So what do you say we, uh,

take it all the way to third base tonight?

I'm not that kind of girl.

You're not?

Not until we're married.

Married?

I'm not marrying a waitress, you dummy.

Well, then I guess you better take me home,

Mr. Floor Manager.

Not without a little sugar first...

Get off me!

What the hell is that?

Who are they?

I'll go have a look.

You stay put.

What?

Do you think they're gonna put out

for some towel and soap?

No.

But I don't want them to be axe murderers either.

Oh, lookie here,

it's Halloween!

Ooh! Gee!

Your face looks like a frog's ass, lady.

Hey! Hey, get off me!

Look! What the hell is that?

What the...?

No! No! No!

It's not safe up here, Sheriff,

especially at night.

How'd you guys hear about all this?

A bird told me.

Uh-huh.

So I got Josey to drive me up here.

I thought you might need some protection.

You're enabling this nonsense?

He knows what he's talking about.

I'll get a statement, and hopefully somebody

at the department speaks woodpecker.

Huh...

What is it?

-These tire tracks. -Burnt rubber.

And it's obvious they sped off in a hurry.

They look pretty familiar.

I think I know exactly who was down here.

Who was it?

Can you guys just get back to the store where it's safe?

What's so safe about stores?

Lots of people die in stores.

Just not here, all right?

You'd think they would know better

than to mess with burial grounds.

You think maybe it was high school kids out drinking?

I thought I told you guys to go back to the store?

This is an active crime scene.

Now what?

Death has come to Pokie.

Could you be a little more specific, Joe?

Sheriff, I got a dead body up

by Lover's Lane, over!

Told you.

What is it, dispatch?

Some jogger phoned it in.

Mrs. Francine Bates said she found a dead man!

Right. I'm on my way.

Thank you, Doris.

Oh, and Sheriff,

I picked up that plunger you said you needed

from the hardware store.

No, no, no! Doris, Doris.

I don't think that was me.

Ahem.

We'll handle that later. Copy.

I've gotta go.

Evidently quite a lot.

Just do me a favor and steer clear of the area.

I've got it from here.

And so it begins!

What do we got, Dorsett?

Sorry, sir.

It's just none of us have ever seen

a murdered person before.

-That's all right. -That's all right.

Pull it together, man.

Any witnesses?

The girlfriend.

We sent her down to St. John's for observation.

She says some kind of...

some kind of fancy dressed Vikings did this.

Fancy dressed Vikings?

Mm-hmm.

Yes, sir.

All right.

Just...

Oh, my God!

Try not to go everywhere on it.

Sorry, sir.

They really...

really dressed for the part, didn't they?

-The killer. -Mm-hmm.

Quite a character.

I don't know what's going on in this place.

You know, I knew him.

The Viking?

The victim, I mean.

He was gonna be the floor manager at Barf Towers

once it was finished.

He promised me a free bathrobe.

You'll be all right.

Mm-mm! Mm-mm!

You got it.

Oh, Lord!

I'll get you a bathrobe.

Don't worry about it.

When did I eat carrots?

Watch out, sir.

Come on, Dorsett!

Hello!

In here!

Welcome to Barf Manor!

Mr. Barf?

I'd offer you a drink,

but you're obviously on duty.

Say, aren't you that new sheriff

that ticketed my brother for speeding?

The very same, in fact.

Actually, I have some bad news.

Unfortunately, Edward Muntz was discovered dead.

Eddie?

Yes.

Since you're next of kin, I'm gonna have to ask you

to come down to the morgue and identify the body.

When I say morgue, I mean, we have him on ice

at the convenience store.

We got defunded.

Murdered? By whom?

Some kids dressed up in Halloween outfits,

looking like Viking berserkers.

Ahem!

You don't say.

Peculiar.

Terrifying, actually.

Mr. Barf,

you okay?

He will be missed.

Well, I know it's unfortunate timing,

but I'm gonna have to ask to talk to Homer as well,

if he's around.

Well, he's not feeling well.

And once he hears this news, he's a delicate soul.

Perhaps another time.

I don't want to make it formal,

but I'm gonna have to insist.

It'll only be a few questions.

Fine.

Come with me.

Homer? It's your brother.

I'm here with the sheriff.

Got a couple questions for you.

Go away! I'm busy!

We're coming in.

Careful now, we have guests!

I saw him...

crawl out of the ground...

but I have a surprise for him!

Easy, Homer.

Put the gun down!

Paint is for paintin', not for sniffin' again.

I know!

Is there something different about you?

Did you get a haircut?

Shut up!

How about you leave the gun on the ground

and show us what you're painting back there?

You wanna see it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Let's see what you got.

Wow...

Homer...

Ahem.

I'll put out an APB ASAP on that.

Where'd you see that figure?

Was it down at the ancient burial grounds,

the Viking burial grounds?

It wasn't?

It was?

No.

No, I've never, never heard of those grounds before.

Why would it be down at the burial grounds?

Strip club, maybe.

You didn't see that at the strip club?

No, uh...

No.

Okay.

Well, I'll do an APB on this, and yeah.

I heard you talking about Cousin Eddie.

Is he...

everything okay?

Now that-

He's fine.

He's fine. He says hello.

Liar!

His momma's kind of dumb.

She thought Monty Python was a performing snake.

Let's go ahead and get going.

We'll be back.

Now, Homer,

just don't touch any outlets.

Keep clear of that paint.

Joe, I got Mr. Barf here to identify the body.

Mr. Barf.

Got killed with an axe, didn't he?

Now, why did you look in that body bag

after I told you not to?

I didn't.

I've been sat on this porch all day as per.

What, a squirrel tell you then?

Why don't you ask one?

Come on, I don't have time for this.

It's the Horned Wolf, you know!

His grave was desecrated by someone in this town,

and now he's after blood!

Aagh! He says all kinds of stuff.

Well, obviously, I can't see his face.

Sorry, man. That is this one.

Mm. That...

that's Cousin Eddie, all right.

Now, I was gonna give him a job in the parking lot.

Not anymore.

Why?

Well, because he wasn't qualified to empty the ashtrays.

No, no, no!

Why did somebody want to murder him?

Who can say? A true murder mystery.

Sheriff, coroner's report just came in

on that boy Muntz, over?

And?

Autopsy report concludes victim died

as a result of a large ax to the face.

Yes, Doris.

We all knew that.

Is there anything else?

That's it. Over.

All right.

Well, hit me back whenever you do have something

that we don't all know.

Mr. Barf...

can I be honest with you?

I think your brother was at the burial grounds last night,

and I think he knows a little more

about Cousin Eddie's predicament than you or I.

And now, all I need is a motive.

Do you realize how many jobs I'm bringing

to this dilapidated community,

the affluence alone?

Now that's a fancy word for money, boy.

Oh, I know what it means.

And now, I know a motive.

You ain't got diddly.

I got that your father's car was

at the burial grounds last night,

and that your brother lost his eyebrows

and his mind since I've seen him last.

Obviously, a cooking accident

when he was making waffles.

Waffles?

You are playing a dangerous game, Mr. Barf.

You ever read Kipling?

"Rikki-Tikki-Tavi"?

In fact, I have.

I'm the mongoose.

I'm the mongoose!

You sure about that?

You calling me a snake?

Fellas!

Can we finish this up outside?

I'd like to close up for the evening.

In what movie does Robert De Niro say,

"Talking to me"?

I...

"Star Wars".

Homer!

You have to play right!

What is the capital of Iceland?

The North Pole.

So close. No.

F that card.

Get outta my face! Who cares?

I'm gonna die tonight anyways.

It doesn't matter.

Will you stop that negativity?

I'll protect you.

You?

Protect me?

No.

What are you gonna do?

Offer it a lap dance?

It's married, as far as I can tell.

Twice over!

Well, no need to be rude.

What about the police?

The police?

You saw the sheriff, Officer Hatfield!

You feel safer now?

Oh!

Did you hear that?

Damn zombie Apache out there!

Well, technically around these parts,

it would be a Mohawk,

but since you desecrated a Viking site,

it's probably a zombie Viking, hon.

What?

Oh!

You burned down a Viking burial site,

not an Indian one.

Oh, so you're some expert

on how to cook up a freaking zombie, huh?

Did you get your PhD on zombie physics?

All right! Calm down!

You're giving me a headache. Jeez!

Oh!

Homer, what is wrong with you?

That is disgusting!

I'm sorry.

I'm nervous, I can't help it.

Oh, no! I need some fresh air.

I can't-

Out there?

You're gonna go out there?

Have you listened to one word I have said, woman?

Relax!

I'll be right back.

Oh, would you look at that?

He wasn't kidding.

It sure does look married.

No, no, no! What is that music?

What is...?

What is happening to my body?

Oh! My head!

Oh, my head!

No! No! Stop that!

Stop that!

Hon?

Hon, could you grab me a beer while you're in the kitchen?

Hon?

Oh God, Zombies!

Oh, God!

Stupid!

Ah!

What's the number?

9-1-1.

Yes!

There are zombies raiding my fridge!

No, no! We can't, Josey.

What would Joe think?

Well, who cares what he thinks, right?

Yeah.

How about we steal a couple of jugs of milk

and see where it goes?

That'd be great.

Sheriff, we got a 911 call from the Barf property,

assault in progress, with a deadly weapon, over!

Copy that! Copy that!

Ahem!

Dispatch,

I'm on my way.

You didn't hear anything about jugs of milk, did you?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, my God.

Homer?

Mr. Barf?

Stay right where you are!

No! Please!

Sheriff, please don't shoot!

Take it easy, take it easy.

It's all right. It's all right.

What happened here?

I must have banged my head,

and then I had the worst nightmare.

It's all right. It's okay.

All right, all right. Well, you're okay.

So everything's all right, all right?

Okay. If you say so, Officer.

Homer!

Is everybody okay?

Give me that gun, Homer!

I'm sorry, Mr. Policeman.

Homer, what is wrong with you?

I can ask you that same question.

Why'd you cut off my fingers?

What kind of an insane person would do that?

Ma'am, did you cut off his fingers?

No.

I was...

I blacked out, when the stranger played his flute for me.

His flute?

Uh-huh.

What is that, code for something?

Did you have relations with that dead Indian man?

How dare you!

And he's Swedish.

Well, you are a sleepwalking, knife-welding psychopath!

That's enough!

I've had enough of all this!

Okay?

You!

Sit down!

I'm out of here!

I hate her.

Homer, just sit down, okay?

Okay, but whatever have I done?

Well, let's start with the part where you almost shot us!

That's a good part, hmm?

Does this mean I'm going to prison again?

That remains to be unseen, Homer.

Can you start by telling me what the hell happened here?

Okay, so these zombies,

they came in and they attacked us,

then they punched Susan right in her face.

Which she did deserve, by the way.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I know how that must sound.

What?

Homer used up all the toilet paper on his hand.

Oh gee, I wonder why?

Okay.

Can we just get back to the intruder?

Can you tell me what they look like?

I told you. Zombies.

They were dressed like fancy-dressed Indians.

Like the one I had painted. You saw it?

He means Vikings.

Yeah, they may have been Vikings,

but they were also, in fact, dead.

If that makes any sense?

No, it makes no sense at all!

So, you were hiding in the bathroom, huh?

My hero.

Oh, hon.

I know you may have some questions right now,

but if you're not too busy in the meantime,

you can help find my missing fingers!

Homer, do you know where they could be?

What? My fingers?

No!

The zombies, Homer!

Yeah, they told me they were going bowling.

How the hell would I know?

All right.

Well, let me go to the station.

You guys stay here and lock the door!

I'm not leaving until I find my fingers.

Okay, fine! Just stay here!

I'll grab a med kit,

and leave it to the adults, all right?

♪ I'm living my life on a knife edge ♪

♪ Can't you see by my worry lines ♪

♪ I'm trying to get my thoughts in line ♪

♪ Gonna need just a little more time ♪

♪ This ain't a cry for redemption ♪

♪ I haven't led a life too sad to mention ♪

♪ Just trying to catch my peers ♪

♪ Who've been ahead for all these years ♪

♪ Paying now for things I've done ♪

♪ They didn't like what I'd become ♪

♪ Now you see what vibe I'm on

♪ It won't be long before I've won ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Hey

Let me in! Let me in!

Wally, what happened to your hair?

Oh, there's not enough time for that.

You're not gonna believe, there's a scary thing out there!

Scary killer thingy out there!

I don't know! I ain't got time!

Where's that chef?

He went into town to grab some medicine for Homer's hand.

What in the hell happened in here?

We were talked by dead Scandinavians!

Ah, join the club.

They almost got me in town.

But, Wally, I don't understand, where'd your hair go?

Not now, boy! Not now!

You really thought that toupee was real?

Really? This whole time?

Well, what do they want with us?

Well, I'm guessing

they think the land by the waterfalls is theirs.

But they've had their time.

This is mine...

That land is ours by the right of conquest!

The strong people take what they want, when they want!

That's just the way it is.

All this for a stupid hotel?

Hotel resort spa, thank you!

You're a monster!

Am I? Then what is that out there?

Vengeance!

Josey?

Joe?

What happened?

Oh, my God.

Damn it, Joe!

Sorry.

I thought you were one of them things.

I told you those things are

just people masquerading as Vikings,

taking advantage of killing people around town.

It's not the boogeyman.

It's not voodoo.

Haven't you seen "Scooby-Doo"?

They took her, Sheriff.

They just came in the middle of the night and took her.

You know, I reckon the Horned Wolf intends

to make Josey his bride,

by the light of the next full moon!

Joe, that's at least in a couple days!

We gotta call this in.

This is FBI. This is state troopers.

This is anything but me.

I mean, this is arson, murder,

kidnapped with intent to marry!

There's no time for that.

I mean, besides, you can't kill something

that's already dead.

Where do you think they're taking her?

His old burial ground was destroyed.

He'll find a new one,

I reckon somewhere deep inside his old hunting territory.

Sheriff, we got reports of gunfire

up at Barf Lodge, over!

-Copy that, Doris. -I'm on my way.

Yeah, me too.

No! We talked about this.

You stay here, Joe.

Look, you need me, Sheriff!

I mean, bullets are no use against them!

Bullets are gonna be just fine.

I don't wanna hear any more about the circle of life,

or all that the trees are talking about, okay?

-Trees are stupid. -Everyone knows that.

If you wanna know what's going on, you talk to the wind!

What did I just say?

You're making a big mistake, Sheriff!

Okay, everyone ready?

What 1981 film, starring Henry and Jane Fonda,

won Best Picture that year?

Will you shut your pie hole?

No. On "Golden Pond."

Why is she even here?

Hey, that's my girl!

You don't talk to her that way!

Power's out!

No shit!

Go check the breakers, genius.

Why me?

Because you're a grown, man,

with the full set of testicles, remember?

Why am I doing this?

Oh!

It's not supposed to look like that.

How in the hell can that girl sleep

through something like this?

Wally!

I can't control myself!

Oh!

Homer, what are you doing?

Wally!

-What is it? -He's doing some dark ritual!

-Help! -What is that,

a dance from high school?

I can't control my hands!

Wally!

Come on, are you having a spell?

Wally!

Brother!

Homer!

Help!

Wally!

Help me!

Hey you!

That's my brother!

Homer!

Homer!

Come back here!

Where are you going?

Come back here!

Uh-huh.

That's it.

I am done with this family.

There's some sort of kinky Norse crap.

Oh, my gosh!

Ma'am, everything all right?

Yeah. Hey sugar.

It's just those crazy boys at it again, you know?

Too much booze and testosterone,

not enough common sense.

Are they inside?

Oh, no, no, no!

They ran off into the woods somewhere

just shooting at each other again.

Where are you going?

Do you need a ride?

-No, don't worry. -I'm gonna see...

No, I'm gonna borrow Homer's car, because he said I could,

and you don't have to look into it, okay?

Thanks.

Honey!

I just wanted to say, please be careful out there, okay?

We don't have enough good men in this town like you,

and we really can't afford to lose another one.

All right.

Let's go.

I never thought I'd see you again.

Certainly not alive.

If I'm gonna kill this thing,

I'm gonna need some supplies.

Look, you're not gonna last 10 minutes out there

without the proper stuff.

-Like what? Garlic? -Silver bullets?

Toilet paper.

Unless you wanna wipe your ass with your hand?

Look, you need me.

Josey needs me.

She was working for me when they took her!

Fine!

Get in the car.

That's what I'm talking about.

It's the end of the line for undead Vikings.

They're serial killers.

They're not Vikings or zombies, okay?

Serial-killing zombies!

You don't take meds, do you?

What are you talking about?

Well, we're just gonna be out there for a while.

I don't want you to miss a dose or anything.

Are you kidding?

Let's kill these things.

Wally?

Wally?

Homer?

Where are you?

Homer?

The zombie's after us!

Homer! Homer!

Wally!

Homer.

Where have you been?

Wally, I can't move my foot.

What the hell?

What is happening?

Stop it!

Wally, help!

Help!

Wally!

No!

I don't know what's going on here!

I don't know!

Help! Help me!

Wally!

What's happening?

I don't know!

You sure you can track 'em through these woods?

Do you want to try?

What does the wind say?

The wind says, it's smart to travel with a simpleton.

The Horned Wolf will not be expecting that.

Who's the simpleton?

Where do we get the simpleton?

You know, before all this started,

before all the killing,

I was gonna ask Josey out for a beer.

Lucky her.

What stopped you?

I just didn't think she was into me like that, you know?

I didn't think I had a chance.

Your competition has been dead 300 years

and smells of old leaves and turds.

So you do think I have a chance?

Can I ask you something?

What did we do around these parts

to qualify for such an esteemed lawman?

You mean, how did I get here?

Yeah, how did you get here?

Well, that's pretty simple.

I was working in a major metropolis,

and that will remain anonymous.

Doris says Denver.

Yeah. Yes, it was Denver.

Anyways, I was assigned to help a cat out of a tree.

And I figured, this is usually something for animal control,

but I think I'll save the day.

Yeah, like Superman.

Ma'am, did you call about the cat?

Yeah, my cat, he's been up there for hours.

I don't know what to do. My dad's gonna kill me.

Don't worry.

I got this.

Okay.

Just step back for me real quick.

Here we go.

Come on!

It's a nice cat, right?

No, he bites.

My cat!

Um...

So not like Superman.

Not at all.

Hmmm.

What's the "hmmm" about?

Oh, I wouldn't tell Josey that.

She kind of likes cats.

I like cats.

Ever killed anything bigger than a cat?

No. Why?

Because we're hunting a flesh-eating creature from hell.

Not Mr. Pickles.

Who's Mr. Pickles?

♪ Seem to whisper soft and very, very low ♪

♪ You are my heart's desire

♪ You're the one that I adore, Melody ♪

♪ Oh, Melody

That is beautiful, Joe.

Ah, it's an old song,

which like me will soon be gone from the world.

Me and my wife used to sing it around the campfire.

I didn't know you were married.

She was Cherokee.

When she passed away, I couldn't bring myself

to leave the place.

Every tree, every leaf reminds me of her.

So I stayed on and bought the store.

She always wanted a store.

I'm sorry to hear that.

It's all good.

I'll see her again soon enough.

Listen, let's make camp here, okay?

You get some firewood.

I'll make a start on the tent.

Sounds good.

Joe, I found some firewood.

You're eating?

Did you find some berries?

No.

A lot of mushrooms down by a stream.

You want some?

You don't get out in nature much, do you?

Not really.

Why?

They're death caps.

Death caps?

Is that a bad thing?

They don't call them "life caps"!

I thought it was the red ones you were supposed to avoid!

Yeah. I wouldn't eat them either!

Joe, I ate a lot of these things.

What's gonna happen, what are we gonna do?

Well, I'm gonna build a fire.

Your bum's gonna start screaming like an angry bear

who's caught and tortured, in a zip.

And then we'll find help.

How long...?

Oh!

Maybe next time save that part for outside the tent?

Oh, sorry.

You look like you spent the night

up a grizzly bear's ass.

Well, the irony is, Joe,

that I'd probably be safer in a grizzly bear's ass.

It can be arranged.

-What? -I'm just saying,

I know some.

I gotta go take a pee.

Get all this bad juju out.

Oh...

Oh!

Coffee?

So there's Wally.

Yep. Part of him.

Where's the rest?

I told you, it's the Horned Wolf.

Joe, we're not hunting Dracula.

We're not hunting the Wolf Man.

We are hunting a man in a mask.

That's it!

Horned Wolf.

I put enough lead in this thing.

He's going down.

Whatever it is.

Ugh!

Joe, he's starting to belch!

It's just escaping gas.

Oh, God! It's making me ill.

Can we just give it some antacids or something?

I think he's a bit past that, don't you?

We could always bury him.

No, we can't. He's evidence.

You used Wally as bait?

I certainly did.

It was either him or us!

There goes our evidence!

Shhh!

The creature must be close.

It means Josey is too.

And then what?

I don't know.

We take the shield-maiden hostage,

use her as collateral, okay?

I'm going away.

I'm gonna try and circle around and flank her.

Great.

Dances with Prunes is gonna flank her.

Get back to hell, demoness!

Oh!

Great, great plan, Joe.

Kill her!

Dammit, Joe!

Kill her!

Ah, see there,

a little lead goes a long way, Joe.

Stop!

Get it off me! Get it off!

Oh, God!

There has gotta be an explanation for that.

Crystal head...

meth head...

What? Crack head, something.

Whatever.

Help me tie it up.

We'll swap it for Josey.

Why do we gotta tie her up?

Because it's still alive!

Wait, Joe.

I just shot it five times and kicked the crap out of it!

Look, how many crack heads do you know

who can get shot five times in the chest

and forget to bleed?

That's a good point, Joe.

Okay. Come on, let's go to move on.

He'll have heard them shots.

That was good shooting, by the way.

Well, I wish I could say the same about yours.

Oh, whatever.

It's okay, babe.

I'm here. I saved you!

Ow!

Whoa, whoa! Hang on, hang on!

Ow!

Ow!

No more! I said stop it!

I told you, I'm here to save you.

Who the hell are you?

I've been asking myself that same question as of late.

Ruminating, if you will.

Oh, no!

You done mess with the wrong dude!

I really think we should run.

No! Not this time, squirrel.

We will stay!

Hope you're ready for pain!

'Cause this forest has changed me, molded me!

I've become death!

I read that in a Nat Geo once.

Die, zombie dick!

Ow, my toe.

That poor idiot...

Hey!

Want your maiden back?

How about a trade?

Well, that went well.

I thought you said we were going to trade.

Well, I thought you said they couldn't be killed!

Well, you proved me wrong, haven't you?

I think we can all agree that this was a terrible mistake.

A tragedy!

He's not buying it.

You go save Josey.

I'll just take him to the river.

Good plan.

Oh, and Sheriff!

I was wrong about you.

You are a good man.

Ugh.

Thanks, Joe.

Josey!

Be careful!

Don't worry.

The sheriff is leading him towards the river.

Come on now.

Let's get you someplace safe.

I can't, I have to help the sheriff!

Wait, Josey! It's not safe!

This is your idea, isn't it?

Yes, it is!

Oh!

A few more bullets would've been nice.

Oh, shit!

Come on, you big...

uh...

big...

I heard about your little tricks.

I came prepared.

Oh...

no!

Screaming Panther!

I thought I'd say hey to my two favorite people.

Really?

Well, let us know when they get here.

You short on milk?

No, I'm actually doing pretty good on milk.

Stocked full of it, actually.

And I'm lactose intolerant.

Hm.

What I really would like to know is

if you'd like to go out on a date.

Well, you did save the town

from the smelly dead Scandinavians.

Oh, I had a little help.

Yeah. What am I, chopped wood?

You too, Joe!

I'm off tonight at seven.

Well that's perfect.

I'll see you then.

And don't worry.

Joe, we'll look out for the Chupacabra!

Don't worry, son, you'll be fine.

The Spirit moves in all things.

I like that, Joe.

See that, my love, eh?

Love is everywhere.

You used to look at me like that.

Yes, you did.

♪ Some came to fight or run away ♪

♪ And lived to stand again, they say ♪

♪ Hatred and dread and fear is all around ♪

♪ Still we hear the sound

♪ Men in steel pound the ground ♪

♪ Still we hear the sound, pound the ground ♪

♪ Out from the mountain stood a lone little home ♪

♪ And from the dark night come the day ♪

I have bad news.

It's a nice, quiet car, don't you think?

♪ They take our love away

♪ They raise their flags

Zombie-killing...

♪ They take our love away

♪ Raise their flags and sail away ♪

Homer, I'm gonna be watching you!

♪ They say they came from far away ♪

♪ Across the fields and rivers

Your boom's gonna start squeaking

like a rusty spring in a . Oh, bollocks!

♪ Dressed in robes of precious things ♪

♪ Who knows what became of those ♪

♪ Who chose to stay

♪ And those of us who had to go ♪

♪ Why

♪ Ooh

♪ Why

♪ I've got so much love to give ♪

♪ I've got so much love to give, baby ♪

♪ Now what do you say

♪ Why don't we spend a while on it ♪

♪ A little bit of this

♪ Take your time and let it stew ♪

♪ A little bit of that

♪ Take your time and let it brew ♪

♪ Let it slowly simmer before you bring it to a boil ♪

♪ Sprinkle it with sugar, not to heavy on the oil ♪

♪ A touch of me and you

♪ Bump the heat but not too far ♪

♪ A little twist of ooh

♪ And a pinch of ooh-la-la

♪ A little bit of this

♪ I'm giving you the best of me ♪

♪ A little more of that

♪ I'm cookin' up a recipe

♪ A recipe for love

♪ Standing on the crossroads

♪ I've been waiting to watch you change ♪

♪ Whoa

♪ Bendin' over backwards

♪ I've been hopin' that we stay the same ♪

♪ Standing on the crossroads

♪ I've been waiting to watch you change ♪

♪ Whoa

♪ Bendin' over backwards

♪ I've been hopin' that we stay the same ♪

♪ I've got so much love to give ♪

♪ I've got so much more to give, baby ♪

♪ Baby

♪ Now what do you say

♪ Why don't we spend a while on it ♪

♪ A little dose of you, then add what's left of me ♪

♪ A whole lot more of lovin'