Original subtitles

(Music by Geoffrey Burch plays)

(obnoxious man laughing and wheezing)

Dave: What's his name?

Jordan: What do you mean?

What should we call him?

Harv. Ahh. Short for Harvey.

No, just Harv. Like it says on his birth certificate.

Although his closest friends call him "Punch" ever since the incident.

There was an incident?

Yeah, it was very tragic. I don't want to talk about it. No offense.

Lots taken.

That's Dave. That's my boyfriend.

Yeah, I realized I loved him about two years ago when I learned he liked to make up backstories about strangers, which is something I always liked to do!

What does this remind you of?

What your momma did to me last Christmas (makes "oh snap" sound)

My mother was in heaven last Christmas.

Yeah, she was!

I can't believe I fell in love with a guy who makes fun of my deceased mother.

Actually, this gives me a completely different memory of last year at my dad's place.

Oh, the fort!

Mmm! Hmm.

The previous Christmas ... our first real holiday together ... we were at Dave's dad's house.

And we were looking for a place to do it because Dave's dad wouldn't let us share a room...

and I came up with the ingenious idea of building a fort under the xmas tree.

The lighting was gorgeous - the red and yellow Christmas lights

Dave was taking off the candy canes and teasing me with it.

(sighs) Everything was perfect until Dave's dad walked by.

(light chuckling)

I was gonna wait until Christmas Eve to do this.

What is this?

Close your eyes.

(sound of train approaching)

Let's just do this. We're getting on a train.

Will you marry me?

What is this?

(Jordan laughs) Dave: Is this a ---- ?

(Christmas music plays)

Aunt Vanity: You can't surprise me like this. I haven't put my face on yet.

Just let us in. It's freezing. And Merry Christmas

Give me ten minutes. I'm a wreck!

This is eff'ing ridiculous. We should break one of her windows.

OK, she called me a little while ago and said she needed help with decorations so

I'm thinkin she doesn't even have a Christmas tree yet.

We could go back into town and do a little shopping...

or you might find it better to go up into the mountains where we might rent a snow mobile...

Whenever I'm uncomfortable with anything, I like to come up with a plan. My gut instinct is: I like a plan.

Server: Everything okay? Guys: Yes, thank you.

Jordan: She won't stop texting. She must sense your fear.

She's like a white-faced whistling duck.

Real thing. I saw a special.

I'm not fearful of staying with your aunt.

I actually kind of like your aunt. Just the fact that she took care of you when your mom went --

Went bat-poo crazy?

Yeah, that.

Yeah, Vanity was the lesser of the two crazies.

Yeah, some people just aren't cut out for ...

Wait.

What are you fearful of? You said you're not fearful of my aunt ... so ...

What are you fearful of?

I didn't say I was fearful.

Well, you didn't say that you're not.

Look, I'm just --

I'm just apprehensive about ... our engagement.

Uh-oh.

Look, I love you. We've been together 2 years.

Which is a perfectly good time to get to know somebody.

"We belong Together"as M.C. would say.

But -- ?

But I think if we changed the game at this point, we'd be shooting ourselves in the foot and by changing the game

By mixing the hell out of our metaphors...

Exactly. Yeah.

Are you saying "no" to marrying me?

I'm saying that I love you very much.

And I just do not want to Alex Trebek this thing.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

No problem.

No, I get what you're saying.

It's my baby bird! My baby bird is here.

Good to be here, Auntie. How are you?

Dave!

Oh hey, woah. Easy there. Those are my lips.

Let's drink egg nog.

I don't have rum. But I might have some rot whiskey.

More nog?

I guzzled mine. I must have been parched.

No thanks, Vanity. I'm still working on it.

So... no incidents on the train ride?

Nope.

How many hours is it from Denver?

It makes a lot of stops. Maybe 10 or 11 hours.

(Vanity laughs) You two ...

What?

So. No unsavory characters on the train ride.

Oh no, no unsavory characters.

Tell me there were no smokers.

Jordan: Vanity hates smokers.

I won't give a smoker the time of day. Never have.

Never will?

Never will!

Well, what you would like us to do? Because Dave just doesn't want to sit here.

I'm fine --

(sound of bottle hitting the wall) Oh, let's pull out the Christmas decorations

Sure

I'll get the key to the basement.

Decorating will bring some cheer.

You boys change into something more festive.

I'm taking pictures.

I guess she wants us to don ourselves in more gay apparel.

That was moderately clever.

I guess.

You okay?

Let's go help.

Some would call it "the silent treatment," but it's not intentional with me.

I just like to get in the car and go. Ever since I could drive

I avoid confrontation. I get in the car

and I talk it out. To myself.

I'll have whole conversations with myself. I'll do this at a red light and I sound crazy

but it works ... Here, I couldn't do that.

Because I'm stuck. With him ... with her ... in Red Lodge.

Those ornaments of hers... that box ... they were ragged.

I'm telling you one thing - they have seen better days.

You know what? Maybe that's what we can do...

Get her new ornaments for the tree? Something modern and chic-like.

I mean, she should benefit from having a team of homosexuals home for the holidays, right?

Huh?

I was just saying ... that your aunt

should modernize her Christmas tree. We were gonna go downtown and get her some gifts...

Maybe that could be one of them.

Jordan: No... she doesn't need ornaments. The ones she has have memories...

OK, whatever.

(sound of urinating) What's the plan for the morning?

What time are we getting up?

(toilet flushing)

Is everything okay?

Sure ... fine.

Really excited to meet Lisa.

Is that what this is? Is that why you have all the tension?

There's ... there's no tension. It's fine.

I mean, you said she got her G.E.D., right?

She's bringing a boy home. Maybe she got her life together.

Jordan: Maybe so.

Wonder what kind of weird dynamic he'll bring. Who knows? Maybe he's cool, right?

Here. Come on.

You're lucky to have a sibling, I'll tell you that.

Someone to play Barbie's with. And guns.

I wanted to cover the whole spectrum.

I would shoot Barbie with a BB gun.

And then nurse her back to health, giving her mouth to mouth.

Which might have been taking things a little too far.

Jordan: Mmm... I was 16 when Vanity adopted Lisa, so...

Dave: Mmmmm.... Jordan: Oh, I'm not in the mood.

I'm tired tonight.

OK.

It's not that I don't want to.

It's fine. Whatever.

That train ride was so long, right?

Yeah.

I'm tired.

Okay. Good night.

(Jordan groans.)

That first night I slept for an hour. If my mind's racing, I cannot shut it down.

The next morning, I hear the rattle of an ominous presence.

Jordan: I kept my eyes shut, even though I knew full well what was happening.

Crawling into bed with me and my boyfriend ... the woman who raised me.

The gal who has never met a boundary she wouldn't kick over with her left hoof.

Vanity: I made you breakfast.

Whoops, somebody's not wearing their skivvies.

What is this?

Breakfast in bed.

I brought you oranges and rye crackers and

some warm milk to start off the day.

Oh and speaking of which, we've got so much on the schedule today...

I have to have dough for the monkey bread I'm making this afternoon...

I gotta check to see if I need brown sugar...

I think I may have some.

Why don't you take the car and go to the market and I'll help her around here.

No, you go. I'm not even awake yet.

Then you can jog to the store.

No, I don't want to go!

All right, I'll go freshen up Lisa's room while

you boys enjoy your breakfast.

I'll see you upstairs.

Sorry I touched your boyfriend's warm bits.

And with that, she took leave of us and carried out her reign of terror elsewhere. God bless her.

So I go to Main St. and then turn right or left?

(Jordan in shower) Another left.

So you're not coming with me? I'm going by myself?

Your favorite thing.

What? What'd you say?

Yeah, go into town and get the rest of the things on our list and then you and I can go get the tree later...

you know, Red Lodge is like 5 or 6 blocks.

I know, I was here last summer.

Takes no time to get anywhere. You'll be fine on your own.

Towel.

I can be a real passive-aggressive dick when I need to be.

Smiley face.

The most annoying thing, no not annoying - hurtful -

I mean, I was hurt. It was that Dave didn't even know that I was angry.

Dave lives in this special little place. DaveLand.

It's filled with gumdrops and talking clouds and baby ducks waddling behind their mother, all cute-like.

(country music on radio)

Excuse me.

What are you doing? Are you from here?

Because you seem less - how shall we put it - Caucasian-y than the others in this store.

Yeah, no. I'm not. But I still like Michael Bublé, so...

No need to feel threatened.

I don't.

Good.

Role-playing isn't just for the bedroom. For our "special no-no" time.

I like Bublé.

But did anyone ever tell him he's not actually in the Rat Pack?

I know, right? Someone should send him a telegram and tell him that the Rat Pack is dead.

Well, nice meeting you.

And you. And yoooou!

Dave: Weirdo.

(more country music)

Hey. Hello. Shop owner: How are you doing?

Good. Is this your shop? Yep. Mine and my wife's.

Hey, now are you? Great.

Do you guys make all this stuff here?

Yep, everything from the Christmas ornaments to the bear-proof garbage cans.

Did you say "bear-proof" garbage cans?

Yeah, they'll come down and knock over the garbage cans.

They walk right into town? Yeah, you'll see them in the alleys.

Huh! Thank you for the heads up.

Oh my god, are those Xmas ornaments? Yep. And you handmade these?

Oh my god, I have got to call my ... my roommate. Give me one second.

Take your time.

Hey, Jordan. Hello, Dave.

What can I do for you?

Can you step away for a moment? What's up?

I just walked into the coolest metal shop in town and they have these handmade ornaments.

They're like 5 bucks a piece. I was think we could get a couple for your aunt's tree.

Liven things up a bit.

(sounds of struggle)

We could get like 20. That's like, a 100 bucks.

um... I don't know if reorganizing is like ... her ...is the right thing to do.

We could take it up. Instead of those old bulbs, we could make it like sleek and new - make it like silver and blue and white and --

No, just get the rest -- !

No?

I mean, she doesn't need gay decorations.

I was just thinking that maybe --

That's nice. Thanks, but no.

Just go to the store and get the rest of the stuff we need for the bread.

OK? We have to still run out and get the tree.

OK.

Get the ... (drops phone) Aaaahh.

What? I had full-figured candy canes in my hand.

On a rooftop.

Hey. Mmm. Baby bird. (kiss)

So I was thinking about the plans for later.

(bra snap) You okay?

Will be.

So we can do the whole Xmas decorating thing, but I'm not sure about the games later.

Everyone loves board games. It's a proven fact.

Uhhh... Everyone.

You can't really say things with such certainty.

Oh, I can when it's true.

Is there something wrong with Dave? Is it a cultural thing?

I knew you'd have issues with this. I mean...

Humankind wasn't meant to mix races.

Oh, no offense. I know your daddy was Korean or Chinese or something.

But I watched you struggle and struggle, growing up a half-Oriental.

Uh. "Asian." God.

A half-Asian god -- whatever you want to call yourself.

Please stop.

Dave doesn't want to sit around all night. He likes to go...go...go.

Oh, I get that. He likes to stay active because he's from Canada.

Who knows what they run from up there. Probably lots of things. Like moose.

It's meece. You know. the plural form of moose is "meece."

These are done, okay.

We're playing board games. It's on the list.

You've got to keep your relationship interesting and active and exciting.

Remember Hank? He left us, because he was bored.

I was seven, but yeah - I remember.

Oh and my lover Keith. He left us.

He died.

Well, maybe I bored him to death.

Well you always tried to keep things interesting for us. (Vanity laughs)

Oh, I learned that from my first marriage.

Remember when you put a carnival in the backyard for Keith's birthday?

We put squirrels in clown costumes.

And you tried to spice things up by getting a second career as a town piper.

But we already had newspapers.

And TV and radio.

(big sigh) Yeah.

Welcome to another edition of Psychically Speaking. The only online psychic web show

currently based out of Denver.

(canned applause from the computer)

Not long ago I recently met ou first guest, just ten minutes ago, outside our television studio

He was walking his dog and he agreed to come in and talk with us.

Please welcome everyone, Jordan! Please. Come. Sit.

(more canned applause from computer)

Hi Jordan, welcome.Thanks for coming on the show.

Uh, no problem. It's a Sunday.

OK, are you ready to have your palm read? Yes.

All right. Let's do this. Oh, wow.

I'm getting information about your mom.

Let's see here. She was a very, very strong woman.

She's still alive.

Yep, yes she is. And

you love her very, very much.

Well, I haven't seen her since I was six or seven.

She lives in a mental health facility.

(Psychic laughs.)

(canned laughter)

You're very funny.

What?

I'm ... I'm sorry ... I didn't... Okay.

Um ... I meant ... She loves you, very very much Jordan.

She loves you a lot.

And she really wants you to meet a nice girl and settle down and make her a grandmother.

(clears throat) Um, I'm gay.

That ... That doesn't mean you can't settle down and meet a nice girl.

Um, yeah. It kind of does mean that.

Um... whatever floats it.

Men float my boat.

Okay!

Okay, you don't have to be aggressive about it.

OK, I'm just seeing a very feminine presence. Maybe the

"man" you meet will be built like a woman.

(laughs) I hope not. Because I'm not attracted to men that look like women.

Okay, whatever. You're going to meet the love of your life in the next 6 months.

It says. That's what I'm getting from the lines on your hands. So...

you know, take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Good, thanks for coming on the show.

(delayed laughter.)

(canned applause)

("We Three Kings of Orient Are" plays in store radio.)

Hey, excuse me. Sorry.

Oh. You work up at the lodge.

Yeah, I work up at Red Lodge. I'm a ski instructor. Do you ski?

I do not ski, no. So don't even ask. Last time I went skiing I wound up with a pine cone up my ass.

If you need a lesson, I'm trying to work on my clientele base. You should come up.

Sounds like a good idea. You got a card or anything?

I do. Wanna hold that? Sure.

Come up. I'll give you a deep discount.

Lisa: So good to be here, finally.

Bet it was a long trip.

Yeah, Tampa to Houston, Houston to Denver, Denver to Billings

They thought it was cute to take us to Texas first.

Aunt Vanity: Face as cute as a birthday cake.

Come, sit down. Oh, Lace - good. You found a spot.

Lisa's the girl Vanity adopted when she had enough of my pot-smokin, masturbating, sass mouth.

Yeah, that's what she called me. "Sass mouth"

So yeah, Lisa came along when I was already almost out of the house.

Until this Christmas, I didn't really even know her all that well. Or like her that much.

I mean, she's less my sister. More ... Vanity's "do -over."

Afghans. Take one. It'll get drafty in here.

Jordan: What's that?

Um, a mandolin. I've been working on some stuff.

Didn't know you played that.

Or any other instrument, for that matter.

Lisa's a big fan of music. She likes it.

Yeah, it's a bold position to take. But yes, I like music.

There, I said it. Consequences be damned.

So you both have hobbies.

Yeah, I'm trying to record an indie album. So it's more than just a hobby.

Ah. So where's this boyfriend of yours - Damon?

Dave. And actually, we've been dating for over two years so it's a little more than a boyfriend.

They're getting married.

What? Well...

No ... I mean ... Kind of...

Well your text said that --

You text'd her that you're getting married?

You know, it's confusing and not something I want to get into...we're fine.

Please don't talk to him about it when he gets here.

Yeah, fine.

I'll try not to.

And I didn't even hear what you guys were talking about.

Are you homosexual?

I'm just kidding. That's one of the first things she told me about you. (clears throat)

It's interesting. Not all brothers had a picture of Kirt Cameron inside their closet door.

Kirk!

Oh, I saw that boy in a movie once they played at church.

He was wonderful!

(Demented Xmas music plays "Oh Xmas Tree")

She was great, I thought. Kind of with an edge.

Yeah, she's now a musician.

Oh! Apparently, a soon-to-be recording artist.

Maybe she's good.

She has tried everything and she can't commit to anything.

She was making hair clips for awhile.

Before that, she was painting murals on the sides of vans.

I mean, what's next? Flamenco dancer? I don't get it with kids these days.

Isn't this the age she should be trying things -- new things?

You would support a non-commital attitude.

Excuse you.

Sorry.

Look, just because I'm not ready for marriage doesn't mean I'm not committed to you.

I have been faithful to you since the day you pulled me away from the guy on the dance floor, all aggressive-y.

You don't know me. But you should.

What? Forget him.

It would be a big snafu for you not to let me buy you a drink.

Really.

Yeah, and I'll tell you why. I'm either a creeper in a club

or the love of your life.

The man you've been waiting to meet, your entire life.

So what's it gonna be?

I'm thirsty. Let's do this.

And I haven't danced with anyone since. Or done anything else with.

Tree Lot Guy: Hey guys, finding a tree okay?

Uh.

We'll ... we'll take that one.

OK, great. You pay over there.

Okay, thank you sir.

I'm so faithful I didn't even notice how cute that boy was. Yeah, I didn't notice either.

Today on the show we have an exciting follow up. A returning guest.

Please welcome everyone, Jordan.

(applause)

Hi! Hi there.

Welcome back to the studio. Thank you.

I love what you've done with the place.

So what brings you here? Why are you here today?

I just wanted to say thank-you for that reading you did six months ago.

That's why I came back. To say thank-you.

Did you hear that everybody? Sounds like congratulations are in order.

Congratulations to me.

Yeah, you totally nailed it. You said I'd meet the love of my life six months from now -- that actually happened!

I was at Rue McClanahan's the other night --

Oh, that new dance club.

Yeah, and I met someone I'm really into.

It wasn't just physical. We had the banter ... and the repartee.

Oh. Ladies, he's off the market!

(canned awww)

So who's the lucky lady?

(canned aww's play on a loop)

There we go. That should do it. Who's the lucky lady?

Uh, it's a man.

Oh! That's ... alternative.

Yeah, I just wanted to thank you for calling it. This guy Dave

seems really great.

So what does this "supposed" man ... look like?

He's kind of a cross between ... do you remember that show "Community?"

Yeah, he looks like the black guy on that. So cute.

See, I'm more of a Keanu Reeves lady myself.

I like 'em white ... sort of pasty ... and I like 'em exotic.

Well, okay.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank-you for giving me hope.

I was at a place in my life where I didn't think I'd meet somebody I was compatible with.

So, thank-you.

You're welcome.

What's different with your schedule? Why don't you walk your dog in the five o'clock hour anymore?

Wait, how do you -- woah.

I ... I just noticed that you shifted it to seven and that's when I watch the "Wheel."

So there's just -- I need to go now.

Oh no, you don't have to. You know, you should really wear the shiny red shorts more.

And you should wear 'em without socks.

Because socks are for good boys. Bad boys don't ... don't need socks.

Vanity: OK, this is the tree topper. This has been in our family since --

That's pure stuff.

This was your momma's, okay?

So this goes on the very top.

Maybe we should lay off the alcohol for a little bit.

Vanity: Hey. You do your thing and I'll do mine. Okay?

Can I be drunk?

Can we use this as the baby Jesus?

Absolutely. OK, Auntie's gonna have just a little touch ...

Jordan: Okay...lights???

What are we doing here? I don't know...

Just move it a little bit. There ya go.

The great thing about having Lace and Lisa around was that I didn't have to

be alone with Dave the whole time.

But despite how hollow I felt, that was the kind of Xmas I'd dreamed of having.

Kind of sucks I didn't get to enjoy the moment more.

You don't get a lot of those in life.

These were in my wild days when I used to game. Oh, Auntie Vanity loved the slots.

Lisa: What are you --? You're putting bacon on the tree?

That's for breakfast tomorrow morning. Get the bacon out of here!

No live animals. We are not doing the bacon.

Oh my god, look at the snowflakes.

OK, so hold your fingers like this.

But its a fret.

There you go and then back ... okay now.

(strum)

You should try emptying the spit valve.

Thanks. Great advice.

So when did you leave school?

You mean "why I dropped out?"

Yeah, sure.

Um, stalker. Oh girl, we have all been there, okay?

Well not like a facebook stalker. Like, a full on ...

OK, there was a guy who had a kid. Which I didn't mind because its hard enough to find a decent man as it is.

But we started dating and I thought he was digging me

and we were parked in this drive thru of a fast food restaurant

and I was driving because he had expired tags or something like that.

And then this jackass grabbed my chin.

Dave: No way!

Yeah, grabs my chin and says, "Ooo, looks like somebody has a double chin."

Shut up!

Yeah, and I'm like ... totally taken off guard and he's like, "Ooo, I'm just joking. You just don't know my sense of humor yet."

I'm like, okay whatever.

Then he grabs my thigh.

Ahhhh... no!

Yeah and is like, "Ooo, thunder thighs."

What?

Yeah, and I'm like "What the hell are you talking about?"

Exactly!

Yeah, and then he tries to stick his tongue down my throat.

Ooo. Like a dominance thing.

He assaults you several times and then tries to jump your bones.

So I threatened him with my cigarette lighter, which was lit

and kicked him right out in the drive thru there.

Good fo you!

But before he left he reached down into his pocket and hands me

a pen from his job.

Saying it's my "consolation prize" for scoring a date with him.

Un-freakin believable. What a loser.

I know, he was a jerk. But the next day at school there flyers posted everywhere pointing this

realtruth.com or some f-ing thing.

TheRealTruth.com?

.Net -- that way you know it's legit. It it's .net

Yeah, and it had this information page saying how I was a child molester.

No.

And get this... he uses a picture of his own son.

Dave: Okay, that's just wrong.

Yeah, it is messed up ... so ...

Sorry. But no one believed that, right?

Well my major was elementary ed, so...

I couldn't stop all the looks I was getting.

So two days later I moved to Ruskin and that's where I met this redneck.

Is that where you're from?

No, I was there taking soil samples.

Dave: Of course you were.

Yeah.

So now I follow my geotechnical field technician

around ... and ... but some people say that makes me a weak woman, but I disagree.

I agree. I say, "Take love where you can find it." Because it is hard to find.

Right, yeah.

My friends have all these issues about me moving around with my man

like the only legitimate reason to relocate is for career

Or to aid a cancer-stricken parent. They're okay with that.

Right?! Free pass for cancer.

I think people who are saying that have never been in love

or they're just way too young to understand how it work --

Game time!

We also have puzzles, if that's more your thing...

Jordan: Let's get the par ty started, right? Vanity: Uh-oh... Here we go. it's Christmas!

(Xmas music) Ooh, ooh, oh...

All right, so ... move forward ... No, move back four spaces or tell your greatest fear.

Oh. God, I hate spiders.

Heights.

I'd have to say intimacy.

Just kidding!

Babe, what if I really meant that?

(slurpy noise)

(everyone laughs)

That would be weirder.

OK everyone stays right where they're at except Vanity and Dave should move back two spaces

because their answers were so weak!

What? That's ridiculous.

What color are you? Dave: No, don't move me back!

Sorry! Give me a card. My turn.

OK. What would you do if you had a magic wand?

I'd be a princess, but that's just me.

You'd make a great princess.

I can't tell you how to score the game until after, so Lisa, you go first.

OK. I would wave it over Lincoln's tomb and bring him back to life so we

could finally have a great leader in this country again.

Ohhh.... political!

Come on.

A magic wand... what would I want?

I would get a new, free ...

No, I would give a million dollars to that heifer organization that donates cows to the people of

Panaji, Goa to help improve their economic situation. It's rough in India.

(dead silence - then Lace coughs)

Oh, god. Did I mispronounce Panaji, Goa?

Everyone: No! I don't think so.

Oh god, how embarrassing. Please.

Wow, what would you do?

I would want an iPod that stays charged forever.

And world peace.

Oh suuuure, of course you would.

OK, here's --

No, wait. How do we score on that last one?

Oh, the card says move forward two spaces if your response was to help others

Move back two spaces if your response was self-serving.

Vanity: Ah-ha. Yay! So we move forward. Dave, your iPod moves you back.

World peace was an after-thought.

OK, the question for everyone is

What is the biggest hurdle you've ever faced in a personal relationship?

And how did you resolve it?

Mmm... (tauntingly) Jordan!

Can't wait to hear this.

(awkward silence)

Mine would probably be when Keith got pancreatic cancer and died within three weeks of his progno--

Can I get anyone more egg nog?

I need a refresher!

So that was awkward for everybody, not just me? (everyone agrees)

With that, I think I'm gonna turn in.

Lisa: What's the plan for the morning?

Well, I looked into snowmobiles rentals or we could take a helicopter ride

around the mountains for 45 minutes or we could

skiing or we could go hiking

after one of those two first activities.

Aww, I can't ski to save my life.

I can't ski either but you should come with us anyway.

I mean, I met a guy at the market who said he could give us ski lessons, so...

You met a guy?

Yeah, just some guy at the market.

He gave me his card. I mean, the dude needs work -- right?

Yeah, don't say dude.

(Lisa and Lace laugh) Jordan: Okay, fine.

We can... yeah, if he's available tomorrow let's give him a calling in the morning.

OK / yeah / sure

Ready for bed? Yeah, sure.

Lisa, would you do us the honor of playing us out, my darling?

Of course, sure, I will.

Dave: You -- take care of this one (kiss) Lisa: Good night...

Lisa: You guys sleep tight.

(mandolin strums opening to "Silent Night")

Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright, round yon virgin, mother and child

Holy infant, so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace.

(mandolin continues to play)

What?

What is it?

I just love the way the world is, the week of Christmas.

That's my boy! "I love the way the world is the week of Christmas."

He sometimes speaks in Hallmark.

Completely clueless to the fact that we're having a fight. I'm thinking, "I've got to break up with the love of my life"

And he's lost in the sensation of the brisk mountain air.

Gingerbread latte smells wafting from the Coffee Roasters

Dave: Oh, I love this. Jordan: What? Dave: This.

Jordan: Ech.

Ech?

It's a little country, ya know?

I think you like more modern and sleek.

We could get it for your aunt.

It's not modern. But she could could it put it on the shelf right by the other stuff she keeps by the TV.

And all her crap?

Or for your sister.

We want to get her something nice, too.

Geez. Who knows what the hell she wants, though.

Geez! What?

What's with the hostility toward your sister? Are you okay?

Don't start with that again. Asking me constantly if I'm okay is going to make me NOT okay.

You know the more I look at this thing, the more I fall in love with it.

Not for Vanity. Plus, I don't want to look at it when I get home.

We're just not going to agree on that one, sorry.

I'd get it just to spite you if I didn't leave my wallet in the car.

You know, these funky candles are interesting for Lisa.

Kind of a safe choice.

Dave: I love her boyfriend. Jordan: Stoner!

What? Really? You've seen him smoke? I haven't.

Jordan: Maybe he's just a weirdo.

These reindeer are kind of offbeat and structural, kind of like he is.

And don't you get me started on your sister - whom I love.

I mean, she's funny, she's quirky, a bit idiosyncratic.

You know, I'm kind of surprised by her musical ability. She's great on the mandolin.

I'll give her that. Dave: That's very big of you.

You're doing really good. You just gotta make sure you don't cross your skis, you know?

Stay forward, keep your knees bent the whole time.

OK. Lean forward in your boots like that so you can keep a good firm

front there. You want to keep all your weight on the front.

OK, I think I got it. Just ...

I don't think I trust my own ankles with this.

Are they weak?

Not too weak. I actually have strong legs, actually.

Actually-actually?

Ahhhh!

Here, let me help you.

Ahhh! Ski boy: Here, I got it.

I would ... help you...

One two three - oooo!

Okay, I'm fine. Thank you.

Ahhh! Look at you, you're a mess.

Yeah, but I landed. But you're freezing. Why is your scarf outside -- come here.

Ahh, what's this? What's going on here?

A little nippled action?

Ski boy: Can I help you guys out here?

Sorry, that was unprofessional.

That's fine, fine. It's okay.

Ski boy: Where are you guys staying?

Oh, we're staying over at his aunt's.

Nice. Xmas with the fam's always great.

Yeah. Yeah, especially with my fam.

Stop it.

Sounds like you guys are getting a little tied down. You should come over to my house. I got a hot tub... a great view.

You can relax.

Dave: Uh, we're -- Jordan: Yeah, we'd be down with that.

Like, just the three of us?

Ski boy: Oh yeah, no girls allowed. Promise. And swim suits optional.

Or ... un-optional.

Swim suits optional?

There's no chance in hell we'll be wearing anything.

We ... we ...

Tell us where to be. All right.

OK, in my defense I've never been that big of an ass before. Seriously, never.

Ahh.

Wonder where the kid is.

He said he went to get poppers.

Poppers and whatever else he's into.

I like his name. Heath. I wonder how he got it.

Hey, Heath!

Found these, you guys.

Want some? Oh no, we're --

I'll take a hit. How do you ... uh...? Like this.

Open your nose.

So ... how we feelin'?

Woah.

Pretty good, it seems?

I wasn't even that attracted to the kid. I mean, I just liked seeing Dave squirm.

He was so awkward.

So, are you from Red Lodge, Heath?

That was stupid... no one's from Red Lodge originally...

You know what? We need some music.

He's young enough to be your little brother.

Well, if he was I wouldn't be having these thoughts.

(sexy music starts playing)

How many times have you cheated on me?

This isn't cheating. You're here.

Right ... here ... to be exact.

That's not really an answer.

Come on, Dave, I was the one who... You were the one who what?

Dave: Is this what we're doing? We're having a threesome with a 20 year old?

(sniff, cough) You like poppers, huh?

Is that what you're doing when you're cheating on me? Having poppers?

You know maybe you should take a couple of hits of this... so you can stop accusing me of cheating.

You're the one that found this guy. You're obviously attracted to him.

Look, I'm not blind. okay?

I thought we could take a ski lesson or two. Okay, maybe there was a little flirting.

This is not what I had in mind. This is your thing.

(sighs) Well, you're just as naked as I am under here.

Heads up!

All right. I put on my Hannukah swimsuit to make you a little more comfortable.

You're Jewish?

No, no... I celebrate everything. You know we're all here together.

You know Heath, I was ... I was perfectly fine with what you weren't wearing.

Huh. Good!

Let's get back to where we were, shall we?

He's gonna enjoy this.

I hope we all enjoy this.

Why -- why am I gonna enjoy this?!?

Now is not the time. Not now.

No, let's brainstorm. Let's think about this, hm?

What have I done ... lately?

The sarcasm really isn't necessary.

No, I think the sarcasm is necessary.

I think now is not the time, not now.

Do you fellas need a little ... time ... or?

You know, what I proposed at the depot -- I consider that a gesture of commitment.

I am not the one who initiated this awkward evening.

When he came on to us, I didn't say a word.

I'm just gonna --

I didn't want this. This was your thing.

Hey, you and I are just casual lovers. There's no ring on our fingers so

whatever, whatever - you know?

Let's just have some carefree fun.

You're an ass. Right back at you.

(music plays)

Baby bird?

Where's your lover? Yeah, don't say lover.

I can never say the right thing around you -- lover, Orientals ... and God forbid I ask you to watch Suze Orman with me.

Yes, God forbid that.

You're not ready. Where have you been?

He's been bonding with Lisa.

Dave: Yeah? Vanity: In his unmentionables. That's a bit inappropriate, right?

He didn't come to bed that night and I can't blame him.

At 2 am I spied on him with Lisa and they were gabbin' away just like a coupla gal pals.

I hear we're getting a bunch of snow tonight.

And you boys are gonna have to jump start the car.

I can't get Lace to do anything. I think he's anemic or has a low bone count.

I'll go jump in the shower quickly.

Where'd you sleep, really?

Lace slept on the couch so I slept in the other room with Lisa.

Just making sure he wasn't lying.

But you two did talk all night?

A little.

About what's going on. Which isn't cool, by the way.

Yeah, I don't wanna talk when you look like that.

Look like what?

Like you're ready for some hot make up sex.

Oh, is that what I look like?

It is. I know the invitation.

You mean, this invitation?

Dave: I'll meet you outside.

Jordan: Thanks.

(music plays)

Oh hey.

Can you help me out? Put the red to the positive, the black to the negative, don't touch them together cuz that would be a disaster.

(laughs) I've jumped a car before. I think I can handle it.

Hey, I just didn't want you to hurt yourself. I'm not trying to be a smartass or anything.

All right, fine. Do it yourself.

You know something? You seem to think for some reason that I don't like adventure.

And I can't do adventurous things.

I didn't say that. I feel that you kind of resent me sometimes because

I've got an agenda for stuff for us to do... but I'm just trying to get us out of the house.

Why would I do that? That would be insane.

It's not like you married a hermit.

I didn't marry anyone, evidently.

(sighs) Jordan.

Dave?

It's just ... I want to ... it's just not ...

Not what?

No, seroiusly. What? What? What? What am I not?

You're the man that I'm in love with. Okay?

It's just that...

You're not the person I imagined I'd spend the rest of my life with.

Go back to online dating, then. Find the profile of some guy you do like.

Shut the hell up, that's not what I meant.

No, seriously. If I'm not exciting enough for your idea of marriage then you shouldn't be with me.

I would hate for you to be with me.

It's like you're trying too hard to impress me.

It's like you are uncomfortable with the silences between us.

All I ever wanted was someone to take naps with on a Sunday afternoon.

You know, someone to celebrate the holidays with.

And get our own tree and have our own traditions.

Someone I can get hoe with and kick off our shoes and watch Housewives on TV.

If we love each other like we do

why do we need all the agenda and the pageantry

Aren't we supposed to be past that already?

OK, I won't try so hard with anything. Is that what you want?

Yeah, that's exactly what I meant.

Here, here, here... What?

I'm telling you... you don't want to go to the Xmas Tea Party and God forbid you do anything you don't want to do.

OK, so ... you should go somewhere and be anywhere other than around me.

That's ... that's ... I'd just forgotten we'd committed to something else and --

Right - and so I'm giving you permission to leave. So you don't have to do it anymore.

You should be somewhere, other than with me, okay?

So GO.

Merry Christmas.

And go screw yourself.

And a joy-filled New Year to you.

I found out later that he called up that ski instructor Heath.

I don't think he was going to cheat on me. I mean, Dave's monogo-man.

But he didn't know anybody else in Red Lodge and Lace and Lisa were out, so...

I, on the other hand, took a shower so nobody could see me cry like a little baby-bitch boy.

This can be our last stop. I know you want to get back to your projects.

No, I don't. No?

We can stay out as long as you like. I have no need to get back to the house.

Have you ever noticed that your aunt speaks in paragraphs?

Like huge paragraphs at a time?

She has bullet points and she's not afraid to use them.

No, she is not.

Yeah, we can stay out longer and battle the Xmas eve rush.

Why don't we drive to Billings and just waste the day away?

That's like an hour both ways.

Perfect. Then we can avoid the tension.

You saw that?

The fight? Yeah.

I was standing by the sliding glass door.

Yeah, I was standing by the window.

It broke my heart. I can't believe he just chucked his keys at him like that.

You're a family of throwers. Everytime someone in your family gets in a fight they throw a lot of things in people's faces.

Not this --

Yeah, I'm bringing it up.

We were arguing about Chaz Bono.

We are always arguing about Chaz Bono!

And it was a pillow I threw at your face.

With a prominent zipper!

It took like one second to put a band-aid on your forehead.

But how long did it take to spot-clean all the blood drips out of the carpet?

If you ever throw anything at this quirky oddball handsome face again...

I'm breaking up with you.

Fine. Agreed.

And then I'm going to go back to the woman I dated just because she had a jet ski.

Be my guest. What was her name again?

Nancy?

Close -- Jill.

Did I ever tell you about the guy I dated who couldn't order a steak at a restaurant because

he had a small esophagus?

Well, you know what they say about men with small esophaguses.

What?

Well, they have a small tube through which the food passes from the pharynx to the stomach.

That's what an esophagus is. (she laughs)

You didn't know that?

You know a lot of crap. You're a smart one.

And yet I cannot play the mandolin.

Well, I have to admit being a little jealous watching you teach Dave.

Really?

I just figured you wanted to get close to his big black bicep.

I do love big black biceps.

We all do. We're only human. (She laughs again)

(song: Come and Spend Christmas With Me, Dear)

Whatcha reading? Found it in the bathroom. Modern Menopause.

You're really taking it in, cover to cover.

There's just so many ways to wear pleated shorts.

Yummy yellow. Carefree khaki.

Piggishly purple. Oh you made that up. It doesn't not say piggishly.

Maybe it does. (she laughs)

Hey sweetie. Hi.

Do we have any idea why your aunt keeps this house so cold?

Maybe she was hot-flashing. Jordan's an expert on modern menopause.

Only we know our bodies. It's time to take the "men" out of menopause, ladies.

Take back our health. Nourish the spirit.

We ladies need to give ourselves a moment each day

And give ourselves permission to breathe. (they all laugh)

Gross! Lisa: That's enough.

(mandolin strums)

Has he texted you back yet?

He's not lost. Red Lodge is like one street.

You can borrow the rental and go see if you can find him.

Tell me about the conversation you had last night.

We barely said anything. Right.

OK, I'm trying to have a baby out of wedlock and Lace was already asleep

and I was in bed with your boyfriend and I began to ovulate, so...

Good one.

So you know that we're fighting, then.

About what?

It's hard to know, exactly. This isn't the Xmas we were supposed to be having.

I guess sometimes a couple needs to reaccess their standing and

It's good to talk these things through.

He wants to say yes. He will say yes, eventually.

He's completely in love with you.

Jordan: You didn't talk to him.

Maybe a smidge.

Any advice you care to share? Caring is sharing.

Lisa: well the main thing I remember ... his main point ... was about being boring.

The freedom to be dull ... he said ....

like, falling in love is finding someone you can be boring next to.

Were you always pushing him to do stuff he doesn't want to do?

No ... well, maybe.

I guess I try too hard.

Like her?

Huh?

Like she did with Keith... trying to keep him interested so he wouldn't leave?

You know, you have more insight and maturity than I care to give you credit for.

Lace: Whaaa? Thank you.

(Lisa laughs)

On that note, let me keep prying.

Is this the relationship you both signed up for?

There he is.

I've never seen my property from this perspective before.

Voice of Jordan: Yeah? Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Why don't you come over here and you can uh... show me your property?

Oh. Kay.

Oh well, that was ... hot.

We should mark this moment in the tree. I wish we had a knife so we could carve our initials?

Have you ever done that? That seems like something you only see in cartoons.

I have! I did it in camp with Stephanie Dillenbeck.

Ahhh, I love camp. I loved it!

I remember the first time I went to camp. It was the first time I ever felt total complete independence from my dad.

Had $25 bucks in my pocket and I could go to ceramic hut

and paint a Ronald Reagan head or go the candy shack

and buy a candy necklace or if I wanted to - some licorice rope.

All day!

But think how your dad must have felt, you know?

He must have been kind of devastated seeing you leave for the first time, even though he didn't say it.

Probably.

Get that camera away from me.

Uhhh! It's my camera now.

That's all I ever really wanted, you know? What babe?

Just someone to get emotional with when our son our daughter went

away to came and sent a letter home.

Those little things in life.

That's what everybody wants.

Just the basics, you know...

Oh, I got an idea ...

I have got, amongst other things, a pen.

Ah, you got a couple of things in there - don't ya?

Oh, even better... hold on...

A sharpie! Hey now. Hey now we're cookin'

Jordan: Aww...

Dave likes Jordan

Loves.

Yeah.

(cell phones buzzes)

I guess it's just who I love and who I care to spend the

Hello?

Yeah.

How'd you get my number, Heath?

Jordan in background: I don't think its appropriate that you're calling me. Last night was a mistake on all of our parts...

I'm sorry?!?

Hang on, what the hell happened?

Where is he?

Oh my god!

I don't have a car.

I'm driving. Come on, where are we going?

Here's what's crazy. In 5 minutes, I would have called him up to apologize.

It's not like it would have changed ... no, it wouldn't have changed anything.

But I would have. Literally. In five minutes.

(tense music plays)

Dave Weston?

Oh yes, the ski accident.

Don't worry. It's just broken bones. He had a run in with a tree.

I've seen a lot worse up here, believe me.

He was smart. He protected his face.

It's a really nice face.

I've always been more of a face guy.

I once spent two extra days up in Salt Lake with a closeted Mormon...just because he had dimples.

Why don't you two have a seat in the lobby? It's going to be a few more hours. I'll call you when he wakes up.

Thank you.

(sounds of Jordan's cries)

Let's go. We still have time.

(heartbeat, heavy breathing, tense music)

First love of my life was a woman. Katrina from Culinary School.

But her love of men and my love of men was probably the sticking point in our relationship.

My first boyfriend thought he was a pilot.

He wasn't one, he just thought he was. Every night he would land

fake airplanes on his computer ... game .. simulator?

We loved each other but it was so hard to find things in common, things we both liked.

(heavy breathing, running, tense music)

Boyfriends 2-6, one was a little too religious, another was a "social drinker" and

all of them were really sweet guys...just not for me.

You know, I did meet a guy at work once and I fell for him, madly in love,

it was the real deal - it was legit. It was the first time I met somebody

like straight people do, in the real world.

Not online.

Adam and I dated for like 8 months but he was a --

Let's just say we weren't compatible sexually.

In between relationships I would kind of burn out from dating

like six months to two years, just pull myself right off the market

Just retelling my personal history, my life story, all the little anecdotes

over and over again to a new person, it just

gets tiring after a while. It had become like a built-in monologue.

It seemed so much like a one man show.

(hospital sounds)

But...when I'm 85 years old

and I'm sitting in my nursing home eating butterscotch candy

I'll refect on this Christmas.

The best one I ever had.

The one where I paid off a hospital official $20 to let me sneak in a small tree.

ornaments from that shop, that metal shop Dave found... the funky reindeer he admired at the gift shop.

Amy Grant Christmas CDs - all three of them.

Mistletoe that I made out of green tissue paper.

Because that's what I had.

That classic Christmas episode of "My So-Called Life," the one with he angel.

We watched that in the hospital bed, side by side.

That's where love grows.

Where it deepens, where it matures.

At home in bed, waking each other up, getting into your daily routines.

On top of a large rock, sitting there with your partner, watching two hawks go after each other.

Love grows in the quiet moments.

Silences shared between two people.

(water)