Original subtitles

Ooh, look.

The yearbook faculty pictures just came in.

Oh, don't show me.

-I never like those. -Okay.

Okay, let me see. Come on, come on, come on.

Oh, God! I told you not to show me.

What are you talking about?

You look cute.

That's cute?

That's what I look like? So that's what you saying?

You want to see awful?

Huh. Look at mine.

Aw. You look great.

Great?

I look like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Well, I look like Shrek.

Shrek the ogre?

No, Shrek the beautiful Black woman.

Yes, the ogre!

Calvin, would you sleep with this hag?

I don't see a hag.

I would sleep with that beautiful woman though.

Nice.

I should teach a class.

Ooh, good morning!

Calvin, I brought you your mail.

Yeah. Thank you. It's garbage.

Well,

don't you want to see what you got?

Dave, I know what I got. It's coupons, all right?

Uh, I change my own oil,

I don't need five dollars off of a cheeseburger,

and I... I don't want a free consultation for Botox.

It is a $30 value.

But, Calvin, look at this.

You got a letter from the city.

Well, when was a letter from the city ever good?

Sometimes it's good.

You know, I'm gonna read it.

Here we go.

"Congratulations, Mr. Butler."

Ha.

"You have been chosen by your peers

to be honored..."

You don't read another man's mail.

"To be honored with a rose

on the Pasadena Walk of Roses."

Well, all right!

Oh. Well, what's so great, baby?

You know those plaques they put in the sidewalks in downtown?

Oh, with the names of great Pasadenians?

Pasadonas?

-What are we? -Uh,

I believe the term is, uh, "Pasadini."

And they're giving one

-to Calvin. -Nice. -Guys,

it-it's not a big deal. It's not a big deal.

It's just a way for the city to show their appreciation

for my numerous outstanding contributions

and accomplishments.

Okay.

Ooh, look at this, Calvin. You also got

this big thick one. Look at that.

Ooh. You've been summoned for jury duty.

Mm.

I believe I've done enough for the city.

You keep that one.

That's so nice for Calvin,

getting his name on the Walk of Roses.

Uh, yeah, was it, uh,

divine intervention or was it...

Dave-ine intervention?

No reaction to what I just said?

I'm sorry. I was looking at my picture.

What?

No, if I repeat it, it ruins it.

Okay.

Okay, what I was saying is

that I'm the one who nominated Calvin for the rose.

-You are? -Yeah.

Why didn't you tell anyone?

Well, because it would kind of cheapen it

if Calvin knew that his best friend

had been pulling the strings.

When did you have time to do all this?

It wasn't that big a deal.

All I had to do was tell them

about Calvin's numerous contributions to the community,

write up a ten-page proposal,

put together a quick PowerPoint, and then get

400 signatures on a petition.

Okay, one,

-you're a really good friend. -Aw.

And, two,

you gotta get a job.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Good morning!

How's my favorite ghostwriter?

Oh, damn. The pink box.

Is that any way to greet your agent?

You always bring donuts when you have bad news.

You're so paranoid.

What's in the box, Lisa?

What's in the box?

It's donuts.

But it's fine. It's good.

Mercedes read the first five chapters of Brown Sugar Nights.

And?

-And her people sent some notes. -Ah.

And her other people sent a few more.

Oh. Great.

-Man, look... -Oh, don't get upset.

These are just a few little suggestions.

Oh, so I don't have to do this stuff?

Of course you have to. Are you insane?

But these notes are always such confusing nonsense.

It would be so much easier if I could talk to Mercedes.

You can't just talk to her.

What would her people do?

I don't know what her people do do.

You know what? I want to meet her.

If you insist.

But I am warning you...

Mercedes is a monster.

She once pushed a Kardashian over the edge

of an infinity pool.

Ooh.

-All right. -I mean, what do you wear

when you're being celebrated as a local legend?

I mean, I want to look formal

but humble.

I want to look impressive

yet approachable.

You know, fly but not super fly.

You know what I mean?

So what do y'all think?

It's great. Yeah, it's nice.

-I love it. I love it. -Yeah, it's...

-Awesome. -It's-it's good.

But?

It looks a little like you're the mayor of Emerald City.

To be honest,

it looks a little bit like someone...

stole your Lucky Charms.

Which Batman villain has all the question marks?

-The Riddler. -The Riddler.

What? That's what it is.

That's what it is.

You got your nerve.

You wear above-the-knee shorts.

He-he didn't mean it, Marty.

Marty.

Aw.

All right, well, never mind him.

Baby, where's your rose gonna be?

Well, it says it's on the corner of, uh, Azalea and Orange?

-Azalea and Orange? -Hmm.

-I can't picture it. -No, I'm sure

it's gonna be near all the other Pasadena giants.

You know, like Jackie Robinson, Oppenheimer,

or the dad from Brady Bunch.

You know, Calvin, we should go down there and check it out.

Definitely.

But, first, I got to figure out

what I'm gonna wear to the ceremony.

There's gonna be a million photographers out there.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm gonna go make sure

I still fit into my wedding khakis.

Oh, my God, Gemma, we're gonna be photographed.

I can't be.

I look like Garth from Wayne's World.

You're beautiful.

I look like somebody just rescued me from a well.

Wait a minute.

Those coupons Calvin got in the mail.

There was a free consultation for Botox.

-Here it is. -Oh.

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to get

-a free consultation, right? -Yeah.

-Maybe we get a little glow-up for the photos. -Oh.

-And it does have a $30 value. -Yeah.

We'd be stupid not to at least hear them out.

Okay, okay. Well, party on, Wayne.

That's mean.

Malcolm Butler!

We meet at last!

Am I late? Are we late?

Only, uh, 45 minutes.

Oh, great.

I was afraid I was keeping you waiting.

I'm sorry. Let me get you another chair.

Oh. No, no.

She's not hungry.

She ate yesterday.

Um...

Bernard?

Why did you sit us in the middle of the restaurant?

Am I the owner or the entertainment?

Is this SeaWorld? Do you expect me

to clap my hands and catch sardines in my mouth?

My apologies, Ms. Selznick. I, uh...

I don't know what I was thinking.

No, no. Hey, look, that-that's my bad.

Bernard said I could sit anywhere, so I...

We can just move.

-It's fine. -Oh.

We can move in the restaurant I own?

Thank you for mansplaining.

Okay, um, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

I know you are a very busy woman.

I just got, uh...

I got turned around by the notes on Brown Sugar Nights.

Like when you say the book should be "aspirational..."

I never said "aspirational."

Well, your people did.

What did they mean by that?

I don't know.

That's why I'm here.

Here you are, Ms. Selznick.

Your usual.

Why are my mussels not open?

Am I supposed to wrestle them?

You're absolutely right. It's totally unacceptable.

Uh, no, hey, Bernard, Bernard, it-it's fine, okay?

I will open the mussels.

Don't talk to Bernard.

What?

First you pick the worst seat in the restaurant,

and now you're ordering my staff around?

-No, but-but-but... -And here?

In the restaurant that my ex-husband built

from the ground up and lost to me because his lawyers

were idiots?

-But-but, listen... -Oh, but-but-but-but-but!

We're done here.

Purse.

Hey, Bernard?

Can you box all this up?

I think I just lost my job.

This is the place where they plan on honoring me?

It says the corner of Azalea and Orange.

Oh, my God.

-What-what is that smell? -Hmm.

It's not azalea.

And it's definitely not orange.

You know, I don't want my rose on this terrible street, man.

Okay, well, come on. Look.

Calvin,

there's a St. Patrick's Day headquarters.

You know, they don't even have that on Rodeo Drive.

You know what else they don't have on Rodeo Drive?

A random wheel with a boot in it.

Okay, look, I get it.

This street is a bit of a fixer-upper.

But this place has real potential.

It's got character.

That's not what I would call it.

Hey. What's up?

We got a problem here?

You guys want to buy a TV remote?

Where's the TV?

Give me 15 minutes.

A young entrepreneur.

Now, that guy's going places.

He's going to steal a TV, Dave.

Oh, yeah? Oh.

Then why is he over there breaking into my car?

-Why's he breaking into... Hey, stop that! -Hey! Hey!

-Uh-uh! What are you doing?! -Stop that, sir!

It looks good, right? I mean...

we didn't overdo it with the radiance package, did we?

No. I mean, we didn't do the ultimate package.

-That would have been crazy. -Right?

I mean, looking at you,

I wouldn't even know you'd done anything.

Oh. You, too.

You're just you, but...

smoother.

Mm.

I mean, you look like you got so much sleep.

So refreshed.

That's how I feel.

-Oh! -Mm!

There's my grandbaby!

Mommy.

What happened?

What do you mean?

Well, you're...

You're glowing.

-We got facials. -Mm-hmm.

That's what facials is doing now?

Amazing, right?

Mm-hmm.

-Little coochi, coochi, coochi... -There she is.

There's my little baby...

I'm sorry, Daphne. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Do we look weird?

No, child. She just tired.

Why do you hate money?

Fine. The meeting was a disaster.

But as my pops always says,

"All money ain't good money."

Your pops is wrong.

The woman flipped over a seafood tower.

Oh, I know.

It's all over TMZ.

The entire Bravo universe is talking about it.

See, this is what happens when you don't go through the people.

Lisa, I am not going to take a job

if it costs me my self-respect.

Self-respect? Ha.

You are a writer.

You know the two most common words in a writer's obituary?

"Died penniless."

Okay, fine.

What do you want me to do, go back and apologize?

Apologize?

No.

I want you to grovel.

It still looks good, right?

I can't tell.

Your screen is frozen.

I thought your screen was frozen!

Oh, damn.

W-Well, don't worry.

It'll all be back to normal in a few weeks.

A few weeks?

Got to go.

Well, the streak continues.

What a banner year it is for David Seymour Johnson.

You know, Calvin hates where they're putting his rose.

I'm sure you're just overreacting.

Overreact... Gemma, I am underreacting.

Okay, I wanted to honor my best friend

and I've hurt him.

Me and the 400 people who signed my petition.

And I was very aggressive.

I'm banned from Trader Joe's now, Gemma.

Trader Joe's!

And the worst part of all...

my own wife won't even look at me.

Dave, of course I'll look at you.

The cold disdain on your face says it all!

You know, I can't believe

I have to go to this stupid ceremony

and act like it's an honor.

I can't believe

I have to show my weird-ass face in public.

Babe, you are still the most beautiful woman in the world

to me. Mmm.

I can't move my lips, Calvin.

And you don't have to.

Nice. Nice.

Calvin, we need to talk.

Dave is really hurt.

Oh, no. Did he try to open a jar again?

No.

Because he's the one who went to all that trouble

to get you that rose.

He did?

Why would he do that?

Okay, don't tell Dave I showed you this.

But here's the letter he wrote to the city.

"Seven years ago,

"my family moved from a small town of 75,000

"to Los Angeles,

"a city so big I couldn't comprehend it.

"I was scared.

"I didn't want my wife and son to know it.

"And then one man changed everything,

"not just for my family but...

for everyone in Pasadena."

Damn it.

What?

That son of a bitch wrote the nicest letter

I ever read in my life.

Malcolm. I'm glad you're back.

-You are? -Yeah.

You were great before, by the way.

Yeah, wait, uh, what was great?

You acting all confused.

"But-but-but."

And then when I flipped the seafood tower,

your face was priceless.

My face was real.

I have post-traumatic shrimp disorder.

Wait. Do you not know what I was doing there?

Oh, my God.

Malcolm, my restaurant is my stage.

People come here to see Mercedes

from The Trophy Divas of Brentwood.

Once I saw some fans were filming me, pfft,

shrimp had to fly.

Okay. So, uh, that was all for show?

Yes.

My fans expect a certain level of drama.

It's in my contract, actually.

Two public outbursts a week, minimum.

Okay, so, uh...

I'm not fired?

Please.

I read your pages, and I am very excited.

One tiny thing.

Okay.

They're just a little smutty.

Well, I can tone that down.

No, no, no.

They're just a little smutty.

I want them a lot smutty.

I'm talking smut city.

Can you do that?

Smut city?

I'm the mayor. Yeah.

I can do that.

Great. But keep it real.

You know, just like your story about the boxer and the teacher.

Except filthy.

Wait a minute, you read my story?

Yes. What, you think I don't read?

Well, I-I...

Okay, maybe I misjudged you.

But, in fairness, your tag line on your show is

"I don't read books. I read bitches."

Well, between you and me,

I read both.

Okay.

Hoo-hoo! Dad.

I got to say, man, I'm really proud of you.

Oh. Thank you, son.

I think this neighborhood is kind of hip and funky.

Look, that motel has...

air conditioning and HBO.

Great. Maybe after this, we can go get a prostitute

and watch the Entourage movie.

Where's Daphne?

I left her home.

Between the pack of loose pit bulls and...

Mom's face...

Yeah, that's a good call.

Thank you.

Thank-Thanks, everybody, for coming out here today.

You know, I got to say, when I first saw

where I was getting my rose,

I was like, "Nah."

You know, this isn't the nicest block in the neighborhood.

And-and-and, in fact, it may be the worst.

But... then I read a letter.

A letter written by this man right here.

Dave Johnson.

You showed him my letter?

I know you didn't want me to, but I...

That's right. I'm Dave Johnson.

I wrote the letter.

Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, get up here, man. Come on.

All right. Okay.

-So... -No, no. No, no, Dave. I got it.

Please. Come on.

Gotcha.

You know, Dave's letter

made me realize that, even in a city this big,

any one of us can make a difference.

So it's not where your rose is...

it's where your heart is.

And my heart is here in Pasadena.

So, though this rose may have my name on it,

it also belongs to this man right here

who's become one of my best friends.

One of?

Look, Dave,

I just want to thank you for helping me realize

that it's not the neighborhood who make the people.

It's the people who make the neighborhood.

-Beautiful. Just beautiful. -Am I right? -

Am I right about it?

All right, well, good. Good news, 'cause...

because I just want you to know

I have a bunch of shovels, rakes

and dustpans and trash bags

and we're gonna clean this up together.

Who's with me?

Anybody?

-Yeah, I'm with you! -Yeah!

There you go. Come on. Guys, come on. Who's with me?

-Let's do it! -Yeah.

-Let's clean it up. -Come on. Let's make this

a block that all of us Pasadini

-can be proud of! -Yeah!

Let's do this!

Good, good.

Uh-uh, Marty Butler!

Come back here.

Okay, people.

Smile.

Okay, one more.

Everybody smile.

Okay, the two ladies, can I get a...

We can't smile!

Just take the damn picture!

I got your TV.

Get your ass off my rose.

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