Original subtitles

Are you ready, kids?

KIDS: Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you.

[ louder]: Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Oh...

♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he. ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish... ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish. ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ Ready? SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

[ laughs heartily]

[ plays airy tune]

Captioning sponsored by MTV NETWORKS

[ rumbling]

Here they come, lads!

Hooray!

[ flatly]: Fantastic.

[ crowd exclaiming]

Thank you very much, madam.

[ cash register jingling]

I feel so alive!

♪ Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-chingaree ♪

♪ Money, oh, money, how I love thee ♪

♪ Cha-ching, cha-chong, cha-changaroo ♪

♪ From pennies to dollars any amount'll do ♪

♪ Cha-ching, cha-ching, it's no contest ♪

♪ There's only one thing that I love the best ♪

♪ From every sight I've ever seen ♪

♪ To the sweetest sound I've heard ♪

♪ I'd gladly give up everything ♪

♪ For all the money that I've earned ♪

♪ Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-chingaree ♪

♪ There's nothing on earth like the feeling of greed! ♪

♪ There's nothing on earth

♪ Like the feeling of greed!

[ chortling]

Please don't do that again.

I think the stained-glass barstool can go over here

and the pseudo hand-carved wooden sports flag display case

can go over there.

Ahoy there, matey.

Can I help you gentlemen?

Are you the owner?

Who wants to know?

Allow me to introduce myself.

Howard Blandy, President, Blandy Franchising Company.

Howard Blandy!

You mean the Howard Blandy?

The Howard Blandy that masterminded

the ruthless takeover of every small, family-owned business

in Bikini Bottom?

ThatHoward Blandy?

I worship you!

[ sobbing]

Get it together a little, man.

Sorry, it's just that... you're rich.

I'm Mr. Krabs.

To what do I owe the honor

of having you here, Howard?

What would it take to buy the Krusty Krab?

Buy the Krusty Krab?!

It's not for sale.

You know, I may not make as much

as your fancy-schmancy mega restaurant chain,

but it's the blood, sweat and tears of a hard day's work.

It's not about the...

Holy sweet mother of pearl!

I like the way you think, Blandy.

But it'll take a lot more

than a suitcase full of cash

to buy the Krusty Krab from me.

Oh, there's a lot more than that.

The rest is over there.

Jumping King Neptune!

Sold-- give me my money.

First, sign this contract.

You relinquish the Krusty Krab and all ownership thereof

along with its employees, merchandise, logos

and cash registers.

I still get the money?Yes.

That'll be fine then.

Here you go.

Now, give me, give me!

Whoo-ha!

See you 'round!

What's happening?

Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs, they're putting up pennants in the Krusty Krab.

What's going on?

I'm retiring!

Retiring?

I'm free to do whatever I want.

I can learn how to ride that bicycle I got 30 years ago.

Or go to the new hook museum downtown.

Or ever paint bowls of fruit.

Aren't you happy for me?

I sure am.

So long, boys!

Have fun, Mr. Krabs.

Heaven knows I won't.

Hi, gentlemen.

I'm Carl, your new manager.

New manager?

I think you'll find working at the Krabby O'Mondays

to be both a learning experience and an enjoyable one.

Krabby O'Mondays?

You won't need these anymore.

Now, here are your new uniforms

and here are the...

employee manuals.

See you first thing tomorrow.

[ straining]

[ engine sputtering]

[ sniffing]

Ah...

The sweet smell of a brand new day!

First stop, the new hook museum.

Then maybe I'll...

Hey... the Krabby O'Mondays?

Not the name I would've chosen.

But that's all behind me now.

RECORDED VOICE: The three-pronged J hook was first sighted in local water

more than one hundred years ago.

Wait a minute...

I hate golf!

Well, I've done everything I wanted to do

and it's not even noon.

PEARL: Did you see the shoes she had on?

So last-year!

[ laughing]

Hold on, Gina.

Yeah, Dad?!

How's it going?

Fine.

What're you up to?

I'm talking on the phone!

Oh, really?

Really.

Oh.

Dad, isn't there something

you need to do?!

Well, actually I was hoping

you and I could do something together.

Get out!

That's it, Dad.

Get a job, get a hobby, or get some friends,

because I can't take it anymore!

[ door slams]

Get some friends, she says.

Find a hobby, she says.

Get a job, she says.

Oh...

"Help Wanted."

Hmm.

[ ragtime jazz playing]

Ahoy there, mateys.

Welcome to the Krabby O'Mondays...

It's my birthday.

Can I start you off with...

Will you sing the Krabby Monday's birthday song

to my special little man?

Happy, happy birthday...

Happy, happy...

CARL: Uh, Squidward?

Can I talk to you for a second?

What's our motto here at Krabby O'Mondays?

"Sincere service with a smile."

Well, yes...

but with the Krabby O'Mondays spirit.

Now, Squidward, you wouldn't want

to have to talk to Human Resources...

would you?

So, what's our motto again?

Uh... uh... sincere service... with a smile.

Now you're getting it.

[ humming happily]

Morning, SpongeBob!

Mr. Krabs!

What are you doing here?

Retirement ain't all it's cracked up to be,

so I'm the new busboy.

[ whistling]

Uh, okay, son,

you're starting to creep me out.

I knew you'd come back, Mr. Krabs,

I just knew you would!

Okay, boy, back to work.

Aye-aye, sir.

I'm not your boss anymore.

Just call me Eugene.

Aye-aye... Eugene.

[ giggles]

Ahoy, Squidward!

Ahoy, Eugene!

Would you mind clearing this table for me?

Sure, Squidward.

You know, I've never seen you so happy.

They're watching us.

That guy's a real pain in the hindquarters, hey, Squiddy?

[ laughing]

Uh, Eugene, I think you need to look

at page 20 of our employee handbook again.

Oh, I don't need Carl's silly rules.

I reallythink you should look.

What's this?

"Help me."

Hey, fellas, what's going on over here?

Oh, hey, Carl.

I was just reminding Eugene

of article 24, section three

of the employee handbook.

"Cut the chatter and pick up a platter."

Good job, Squidward.

What have you done with the real Squidward?

The less you know, Eugene, the better.

What's going on around here?

Where's SpongeBob?

Where's the love?

SpongeBob!

What happened to the Krabby Patties?

I tried to tell them,

but they wouldn't listen to me!

This is obscene!

Carl!

I need to have a word...

Your change is $1.75.

Automated cash register?!

No!

Hey, Carl, what have you done with me restaurant?!

Processed Krabby Patties, computerized registers...

Look around you.

Our customers are quite content

with the contrived and the mediocre.

[ snoring]

That's because they don't know

what they're eating.

Excuse me, ma'am, do you know

what's in that Krabby Patty you're eating?

No.

[ screams]

See that?

Without all your smoke and mirrors,

no one would stomach this garbage.

What'd he say?

Garbage?

[ all screaming]

Eugene, you're in violation of your contract.

Rules!

Here's a rule for you:

people can't eat stained-glass barstools!

I'll show you automated.

Mr. Blandy, code red-- free thinker!

Mr. Krabs, is there a problem here?

You better believe it!

I used to kiss the ground you walked on, Blandy,

but after seeing this,

I wouldn't even spit in your direction.

Krabby Patties are supposed to be made by hand--

one at a time--

not on a conveyer belt!

[ rumbling as siren blares]

Oh, my...

Does this mean I won't get that raise, sir?

BLANDY: It's ruined!

We'll have to sell it.

We'll be lucky if we get a fraction

of what we paid for it.

I'll buy it for full price.

Sold.

We won't need your contract anymore.

Nice doing business with you.

Pleasure's all mine.

Now get out of me restaurant.

[ laughing]

Well, we did it, boys.

The Krusty Krab is ours again.

You know, in that fit of maniacal rage

I may have destroyed the restaurant,

scared away all our customers and forced us into bankruptcy--

because I returned nearly every penny

I sold this stink-heap for--

but I got back the love of me dear friends.

Really, Mr. Krabs?

No, not really.

Get back to work!

[ register jingles]

[ snoring]

SPONGEBOB: Oh, Squidward!

What do you want, SpongeBob?

Time for work, Squidward.

Another day, another dollar.

More like another nickel.

[ snickering]

[ laughs annoyingly]

Good one, Squidward!

[ laughing]

Another day, another nickel.

It's not that funny.

That's funny because it's true.

[ SpongeBob laughing annoyingly]

Carpool's over.

Nickel.

[ laughs]

[ groans]

Here's your food.

[ laughs]

It's not that funny!

Please make it stop!

[ annoying laugh continues]

[ laughter echoing]

[ laughter continues]

Okay, Squidward, see you tomorrow.

[ annoying laugh trails off into the distance]

And always check for spare change.

[ groans]

Another day, another... nickel!

Two Krabby Patties.

Thanks, kid.

Another day, another nickel.

[ laughing]

Oh.

[ all laughing]

Cease your laughing, tormentor!

[ laughing alternates with cries of pain]

This could be my chance.

SpongeBob, you don't look well.

I don't?

No.

You should sit down.

Shh...

You're burning up, SpongeBob.

I am?

Tell me, SpongeBob,

have your sides been hurting?

Yeah, a little.

And your temperature is 175 degrees!

Is that bad?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no...

unless you've been doing a lot of... laughing.

I have been laughing a lot lately.

[ gasps]

SpongeBob,

you've got to be careful.

You're going to burn out your laughbox.

My laughbox?

Yes, it's the part of your body

that enables laughter.

If you use it too long without giving it a break

it burns out and you can never laugh again.

Is that what happened to you, Squidward?

Yes... What? No!

Listen, SpongeBob, this is serious!

If you burn out your laughbox,

you'll live your whole life

without ever laughing again.

Hey, Patrick, you want to hear a joke?

Sure, Sandy.

Sure, I'd love a good laugh.

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

[ both laughing]

[ flat, mechanical laughter]

[ laughter dies away]

I don't want to burn out my laughbox, Squidward.

Well, the most important thing is to stop laughing.

Any laugh at all could be dangerous.

How long do I have to avoid laughing?

Gosh, SpongeBob, I'd say

at least the rest of the day,

but you better go 24 hours just to be safe.

Thank you so much, Squidward.

I don't know what I'd do without you!

A day without laughter is a small price to pay

to save my laughbox from destruction.

I must remain vigilant.

Nothing funny over there.

Nothing funny over here.

PATRICK: Hey, SpongeBob!

How's it going?

Patrick-- banana peel-- don't!

What did you say...

[ screaming]

Oh, no...

Hey, what the...

Wait a minute, Patrick!

Please stop!

Right foot first...

Wait, Patrick, I can't laugh.

You can't?

Oh, I know what to do.

That usually knocks him out.

[ panting]

Get a grip on yourself, SpongeBob.

You're in control.

[ sputtering]

Just back away from the whoopie cushion, SpongeBob.

[ sputtering]

[ gasps]

They're everywhere!

Everywhere!

Look out for that pie truck!

[ screaming]

[ tittering]

I've got to get out of here!

[ cushions sputtering]

There's nothing funny up here.

But just to be safe...

[ crowing]

Ah, I made it 24 hours without laughing.

[ exhales]

That's odd.

[ exhales]

I've lost my laugh.

[ screaming]

I've lost my laugh!

[ screaming]

Hi, SpongeBob.

It's terrible, Patrick--

I can't laugh anymore.

What happened?

I went a whole day without laughing

and now my laugh is gone.

Let me take a look.

Hmm... it's dark in here.

I'd better light a match.

[ coughing]

[ screaming]

[ knock at door]

Come in.

[ sniffling]

Mr. Krabs?

What's wrong, boy?

I lost my laugh.

You've come to the right place, son.

You know, there's one thing that always makes me laugh.

[ chortling]

Don't it just tickle you, boy?

Not really.

This calls for drastic measures.

I don't usually do this,

but you seem desperate.

Touch it.

Nothing.

Oh, this is worse than I thought.

After all, money is the ultimate source of joy.

Maybe I should ask Sandy.

She's a scientist.

SANDY: Oh, it's easy if you approach it scientifically, SpongeBob.

Now, what is laughter?

The thing that used to give my life meaning and purpose

but now mocks me with its cruel indifference.

Scientifically, it's caused by

your epiglottis constricting your larynx,

causing irregular air intake and respiratory upset.

Sounds painful.

Science makes everything sound painful.

Now, here's some humor-theory textbooks,

laugh mechanics and the quantum giggle theory.

Thank you, Sandy.

Sure is peaceful around here

since SquarePants became a sad sack.

I've read all the books, and still nothing.

I guess I'll never laugh again.

[ moaning]

I really hate to see the little guy so sad,

but not as much as I hate to see him happy.

[ SpongeBob wailing]

I think I found the one thing I hate more than his laugh.

I'm sure he'll cry himself out soon.

[ sobbing]

What have I done?

Oh, that's it.

This charade has to end!

Hi, Squidward.

SpongeBob, this infernal crying has to stop!

But Squidward, I... I broke my laughbox!

[ sobbing]

SpongeBob, there's no such thing as a laughbox!

I made the whole thing up

to get some peace from your insipid laughter!

You mean my laughbox isn't broken?

And it was a cruel lie

that sent me into spiraling depression?

Uh... yeah, well, it sounds pretty harsh

when you put it that way, but... yeah.

I could laugh the whole time?

Yeah.

[ annoying laugh returns]

[ joins in raucous laughter]

You really fell for it!

I guess I did.

You even fell for the old

thermometer-in- the-boiling-oil routine!

[ screeching with laughter]

It's not really that funny, Squidward.

It's hilarious!

See you later, Squidward.

[ laughing wildly]

Break your laughbox!

What a schlemiel!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[ gagging]

[ siren wails]

Look, he's waking up.

Oh... where am I?

You're in the hospital, silly.

You broke your laughbox.

The doctor said it was the most tiny, dried out,

underused laughbox he'd ever laid eyes on.

So they cut it out.

Cut it out?

Yeah! Want to see it?

It's fun to shake it up

and watch it bounce around.

Oh, give me!

Oh, I can never laugh again?

Nonsense-- your laugh should be stronger than ever.

But you cut out my laughbox.

Yes, but one of your friends has generously allowed us

to transplant part of theirs to you.

Nope.

They wouldn't pay me.

You're getting warmer.

SpongeBob?

[ annoying laugh]

Hey, you laugh just like me!

[ both laughing]

Oh, there he goes, off to share his laughter with the world.

[ laughs]

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org