Original subtitles

Are you ready, kids?

KIDS: Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you.

[ louder]: Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Oh...

♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he. ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish... ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish. ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!♪

♪ Ready? SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants!

[ laughs heartily]

[ plays airy tune] Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON

[ "Rule, Britannia" playing, clock bell tolling]

[ alarm beeping]

Wow, I'm really late again.

Maybe they'll finally fire me.

[ laughing]

What? Locked?

SPONGEBOB: This isn't happening.

SpongeBob?

[ knocking head against wall]

The horror--

it's unspeakable.

Don't you see, Squidward?

It's closed!

The Krusty Krab is closed!

You mean I got out of bed for nothing?

The doors are locked--

the doors are locked and we are on the outside!

Outsiders.

What are we going to do?

There are Krabby Patties inside all alone.

KRABS: Just stand aside, lad,

and let me unlock the door.

Mr. Krabs, you're here!

Gosh, Mr. Krabs, we were worried

something might have happened to you.

We'd be deprived of the greatest food known to man.

Oh, you made me drop me keys.

Give me some space, lad!

Can't I get a little space?!

I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs.

Harsh.

[ laughing]

Argh! Me back!

Are you hurt, Mr. Krabs?

No, I'm just doubled over in pain

fighting back tears in me eyes because it's a new dance craze!

Oh, I thought you were hurt.

I am hurt, you idiot!

I'm sorry I snapped at you, laddie.

It's just me back is killing me.

It's me old lumpy mattress--

it's like trying to sleep on broken coral.

I'm going out of me mind.

Ouch!

Oh, me back.

[ grumbling]

Poor Mr. Krabs.

What are we going to do, Squidward?

Why do anything?

I like the new Mr. Krabs--

he yells at you more.

[ laughing]

I'm serious, Squidward.

So am I.

We should get him a new mattress

and surprise him with it.

Then we'll never have to be late to work again.

What?!

You want me to spend my hard-earned money

on my richer-than-me skinflint boss?

No, thank you.

That's okay, Squidward!

You'll warm up to the idea.

Thanks for coming with me, Patrick.

No problem, buddy.

I always wanted to go to a mattress store.

Wow! Wow!

I've never seen so many mattresses.

Yeah.

How many do you think there are?

Ten.

Cool.

There's plenty more than that.

Try 'em out-- find one you like.

[ springs squeaking]

[ air hissing]

[ clanking]

[ spluttering, imitating car engine]

[ tires squeal, crashing]

[ motor whirring]

Ooh!

[ laughing]

[ SpongeBob and Patrick laughing]

[ laughter continues]

What are you morons doing?!

Making a card for Mr. Krabs.

To go with his new mattress.

Oh, I see, you're just kissing up to the boss

to make me look bad!

Well, I won't stand for it!

Give me that card!

Hmm! Trying to outsmart me, will you?

Ha-ha!

There, I signed it for all of us.

Hey, you didn't even help pay.

Oh, that's okay.

As long as Mr. Krabs is happy.

KRABS: Oh, me back!

Well, here goes another useless attempt

to sleep on me mountainous, lumpy mattress.

Argh!

[ groaning]

That's queer-- me mattress seems strangely cozy

and... butter... like.

[ snoring]

ALL: Surprise!

Armageddon! What?

You? Oh! You?

What in a blue-eyed scallop are you doing in me bedroom?

We noticed how miserable you were

on your lumpy, old mattress...

So Isuggested we get you a new one.

I thought it was your idea.

So, where's me old mattress then?[ steam whistling]

Don't worry, I took care of that personally, too.

I had it hauled away to the dump.

[ Krabs shouting]

All... my... money was in that mattress!

What?!

Haven't you ever heard of a bank?!

No!

[ groaning, babbling]

Mr. Krabs!

No...!

And we got you a card.

Is there money in it?

Nope.

[ groans]

[ siren wailing]

[ tires squeal]

SPONGEBOB: Is it serious, Doctor?

Will Mr. Krabs be all right?

Mr. Krabs is in a cash-coma.

Only the return of his money can save his life.

It was SpongeBob's fault!

Getting Mr. Krabs a new mattress was hisidea!

I knew it!

Not so fast!

This card says, "This was all my idea! Love, Squidward."

If Mr. Krabs doesn't pull through,

you're going to jail.

Oh... you did this, SquarePants!

If you don't get Mr. Krabs' mattress back,

I am going to mur...

[ policeman clears throat]

[ laughing nervously]

Help you do it myself.

Wow, he really does care.

PATRICK: What a dump.

[ gate rattling]

We've got to get in there, Squidward.

Mr. Krabs is counting on us.

PATRICK: SpongeBob, isn't that

the mattress over there?

Terrific, Patrick, you found it!

What? Where? Let me see!

Over there, Squidward,

underneath that really big guard worm.

[ worm growling, snoring]

Oh, that figures.

Oh, no!

This is horrible.

What is it, Doctor?

This man has no insurance.

He'll never be able to afford this room.

You're right, nurse.

Extract the patient, stat!

[ Krabs groaning]

SPONGEBOB: Well, that's Mr. Krabs' mattress all right.

Let's go get it.

Here's the plan:

You two quietly go in there,

remove the mattress out from under the guard worm

without "waking the worm."

Why not?

Because that would be rude, Patrick.

And nothing's meaner than a junkyard worm.

He'll eat you alive!

Hey, wait a minute.

What are you going to do?

Oh, I've got the most important job.

I'm going to keep watch to make sure it's safe.

Gee, thanks, buddy.

My pleasure.

Now let's get a move on.

[ laughing]

[ panting]

Ah, isn't it beautiful, Patrick?

SPONGEBOB: You can see everything from up here.

PATRICK: Wow!

[ sighs]

What are you morons doing?

Hey, Patrick, I think I can see our houses from here.

PATRICK: Where? I can't see 'em.

[ all shouting]

Wow! Wow!

[ laughing]

Let's do it again!

What did you idiots do?

Squidward, what are you doing in there?

You were supposed to keep watch!

Yeah, and you woke up the guard worm, too!

I didn't do it!

You blockheads woke...[ worm growling]

the... worm.

[ Squidward screaming, fabric tearing, worm growling]

DOCTOR: Doctor?

DOCTOR 2: Yes, Doctor.

Regarding your patient, I have come to this conclusion.

Yes, go on. ! We have to remove him

from in front of the candy machine

so I can get to the Nutty-Nut Bar.

Of course. Nurse!

I'm on it.

[ Krabs groaning]

Worm Bait to Retriever,

Worm Bait to Retriever, we're in.

Out.

Retriever to Worm Bait,

stay in,don't go out.

Understood. Out.

No, in! Out.

Understood. Out.

SQUIDWARD: You're on the far side of the dump?

Affirmative.

Good, then make lots of noise

to draw the guard worm

away from the mattress so I can retrieve it.

Affirmative. Out.

Oh, that's why he calls himself the Retriever.

Why are we called Worm Bait?

I don't know.

[ ululating]

Oh, yeah.

[ both ululating]

Great idea, Patrick!

[ ululating and banging]

[ growling]

And my perfect plan falls into place.

[ laughing]

[ ululating and banging]

Uh, SpongeBob?

Yes, Patrick?

I think I know why our code name is Worm Bait.

[ growling]

[ stammering]: Nice worm.

Good, kind, gentle worm.

[ snarling]

Ooh!

[ panting happily]

Oh, SpongeBob, he likes your wooden spoon.

Huh?

Wow, I think you're right, Patrick.

See if he plays catch!

Okay.

See the stick, boy.

Go get it, boy!

[ barks]

Coast is clear.

Squiddy, you are a genius.

Ouch! What the...?

Hey, I needed a wooden spoon.

I'll just keep it safe from harm in my back pocket.

And now for the mattress.

[ fabric rips, Squidward grunts]

I should have guessed.

[ Squidward screaming]

Excuse me, Doctor.

Administrator, what can I do for you?

It has come to my attention

that your patient, Mr. Krabs, is out on the front sidewalk.

Yes. Yes, he is.

What were you thinking, man?

We're trying to run a business.

We can't leave patients on the sidewalk.

Not to worry. Nurse!

I'm on it.

What's the holdup?!

SPONGEBOB: We feel silly!

Come on, do it for old man Krabs.

SPONGEBOB: Okay.

Can you explain the plan again?

Sure, but first, put on this cologne.

Steak sauce?

Okay, so you two are dressed as choice cuts.

You go in there

and yell "Trick or treat!"

The worm will realize he forgot to stock up on Halloween candy,

he'll leave to buy some, then we take the mattress.

Give me that cologne.

Now get in there!

SPONGEBOB: Happy Halloween!

I am notgoing to get hurt this time.

[ rattling]

What the...?

Isn't that Mr. Krabs?

[ screaming]

[ growling]

That guard worm doesn't look very happy.

Run, Mr. Krabs!

Run like you're not in a coma!

[ sniffing]

[ growling]

It's... me money!

[ snarling]

[ growling]

[ worm yelps]

Oh, money!

I promise I'll never leave you alone again.

Hey, Mr. Krabs.

[ barking]

No, Mr. Krabs, it's us.

Trick or treat.

Oh, hey, SpongeBob.

I didn't recognize you.

Say, why are you two dressed as meat?

Not just meat-- we're choice cuts.

Right, Squidward?

Oh, I give up.

[ worm snarling]

[ screaming]

[ screaming and shouting]

[ clam crowing like a rooster]

[ sound like cloth tearing]

And so passes another sleepless night

haunted by my inability to steal even a single Krabby Patty.

Maybe today will be the day.

Thank you for your patronizing words,

computer wife.

Do you even have a plan?

Plan, schman-- I'm going to wing it.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

I'm in.

That was easy.

Maybe today is the day

I'm going to steal the Krabby Patty formula...

[ screaming]

Careful, I just mopped there.

[ groans]

Look at you, Plankton,

Once again you've fallen flat on your back

in another pathetic attempt to steal me formula.

Though you tried and tried,

you haven't had the smallest nibble

of my delicious formula.

And you never will!

[ laughing]

How do you sleep at night

knowing you're a complete failure?

There really should be a "Wet Floor" sign.

Yeah, if that were me who slipped,

I'd sue old man Krabs

for all he's got.

Does that include the Krabby Patty formula?

Of course.

Oh, the pain!

I can't feel my arms and legs!

I think they're broken.

I'll have to sue for my pain and suffering.

Sue?!

Oh, that looks bad.

Uh-oh.

Poor little man.

Hold up a second!

Plankton, we don't need to drag this little incident

into court, do we?

Well...

if you transfer the Krabby Patty formula to me,

I'll forget your gross negligence.

Scoundrel!

You'll have my formula

when you pry it from me lifeless claws!

[ laughing sinisterly]

See you in court, Krabs!

Uh, I mean...

Oh, the pain!

The deep frying pain!

I'm in a blue ruin.

I'm doomed.

Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I will do whatever it takes

to keep the Krusty Krab formula

from getting into Plankton's evil hands.

What I really need is a good lawyer.

Hello, did somebody say "lawyer"?

Richard A. Bottomfeeder, Attorney At Law.

I couldn't help but notice that despicable display.

So, uh, how much is this going to cost me?

Actually, I won't charge you a dime unless we win.

[ cash register dings]

In fact, I think we should counter sue

for everything Plankton owns.

[ cash register dings]

[ clanking]

Does that happen a lot?

No, they're usually silver.

[ humming]

Mr. Krabs?

What is it, lad?

Want to hear my testimony

for when you call me as a character witness?

I've been rehearsing it.

Actually, SpongeBob,

we won't be needing any testimony from you.

Why, you'd be more of a...

[ whispering]

of a liability than an asset.

But I...

Now, run along--

make things shipshape for my victory celebration.

I've got to get to the courthouse.

There's only a few free parking places.

Oh, this is going to be a slam dunk...

[ screams]

Oh, no!

Mr. Krabs's lawyer!

Speak to me!

Wracked with pain...

Can't move...

But what about Mr. Krabs's case?

Looks like you're going to have to handle this one, son.

But I'm a...

a liability.

Everything you need to win...

[ gasping]

is in this here case.

Really? Everything?

Uh-huh, everything but a suit.

A suit.

Wonder where I could get a suit.

[ The People's Court theme music plays]

I'll give you one last chance.

I'll drop the charges if you give me the formula.

Never, you little whelp!

[ crowd gasps]

Ow, ow, my wittle arm!

[ crowd gasps]

What? No, I didn't lay a claw on him.

Ow... my other arm!

[ crowd gasps]

He's lying!

Bah!

Court will come to order.

The Honorable Judge Tickleback presiding.

Mr. Krabs, where is your attorney?

I don't know where he could be.

[ crashing]

Here I am!

Thank you for joining us, Mister...

SpongeBob Lawyerpants, Your Honor.

[ softly]: What are you doing here, SpongeBob?

Your lawyer, uh, fell down on the job.

But don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I have everything under control.

It's, uh, all in here.

Really?

Yup, right in... here...

Is there a problem?

Uh, your lawyer didn't give me the combination.

Is the plaintiff ready to proceed?

Yes, Your Honor, I'll try.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

I wasn't always the tortured shell of a protozoa

that writhes in pain before you today.

I... was a vibrant carefree, happy-go-lucky single cell.

Pull yourself together, boy.

Then came the fateful day that I paid an innocent visit

to the deathtrap known as the Krusty Krab.

How's it coming, lad?

Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I'm on the case.

Upon entering said establishment,

I found myself without any warning

slipping and finally falling onto a hard, unforgiving floor

that had been intentionally covered

with a vicious fluid.

Bombs away!

[ metal rattling]

PLANKTON: Ahem!

Are you quite finished?

Mm-hmm.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

But the worst part is...

my dreams of completing a marathon,

like I promised my old Grammy, have been dashed.

[ sobbing]

I'm sorry, Gram-Gram!

[ sobbing]

Sorry!

[ all sobbing]

Thank you for your kind attention.

[ softly]: Suckers.

Does the defense [ sobs] have an opening statement?

Yes, Your Honor.

Poor Gram-Gram!

Mr. Krabs, can you identify this item?

KRABS: It's a "Wet Floor" sign.

Do you own one?

Uh, well... um...

No, I don't.

[ jurors gasp]

No, no, you don't understand!

I had to make some tough business decisions

and the sign seemed... superfluous.

[ jurors murmuring "guilty"]

No more questions.

JUDGE: Your witness, Mr. Lawyerpants.

Huh?

Sometime today, Mr. Pants.

May it please the court, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

my client has been called "cheap," "miserly,"

and "chronically tightfisted."

Uh... um...

But if he were as cheap as the prosecution claims he is,

would he be able to sit there quietly

while I took out a dollar and dropped it in the blender?

[ gasps]

[ blender whirring]

No! No! No!

Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

Daddy's here.

[ murmuring in disgust]

Uh...

A little glue, a little tape--

you'll be right as rain.

Daddy didn't forget you.

Uh...

Does the defense have any witness to call?

Yes, Your Honor.

Defense calls...

Squidward to the stand.

Ah, Squidward, a loyal employee.

SPONGEBOB: Mister, uh, Squidward is it?

My client has been called "cheap."

Would you agree with that ludicrous statement?

Yes.

What?!

Allow me to rephrase

the question.

Can you tell the court of some instance

of Mr. Krabs's generosity in any way?

Nope. Can I go now?

One day off in three years and I have to spend it testifying?

[ jurors gasp; murmur in disgust]

Must... open... case.

So, it was youwho made the floor slippery, wasn't it?

Answer the question!

Need I remind you you are under oath?

I'm doomed.

You may as well give up on that case, me boy,

my goose is cooked.

[ gasps]

Mr. Krabs, I'm surprised at you.

We can't give up just because things look bleak.

This trial will be won by what's in your heart,

not what's in this dumb old case.

It's open.

It's...

It's just his lunch.

Or is it?

Defense calls Plankton to the stand.

Why did you go into the Krusty Krab that day?

To, you know, say hello to my once-good-friend, Mr. Krabs.

What?

Are you sure it wasn't to make off

with one of these?!

[ sniffing]

Gotcha.

Weren't you there to steal the formula

of the most delicious, sweet-smelling sandwich

known to Bikini Bottom?

Krabby Patty...

[ groaning]

I can't take it!

Give me!

Give me! Give me! Give me!

Yippee!

Finally it's mine!

KRABS: I'll take that.

Huh?

No! No! No!

Once again, Plankton,

the sweetest of life's joys

has eluded your grasp.

No! No! No! No!

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

We find the defendant...

not guilty!

But he is cheap.

Thank you, SpongeBob.

I was foolish not to accept your help

from the beginning.

That's okay, Mr. Krabs.

I made you a present.

A present for me?

Close your eyes and hold out your hand.

[ groans in pain]

SPONGEBOB: It's a "Wet Floor" sign.

I made it myself.

Well, it'll do.

After all, it's free.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH