Original subtitles

(MINIONS SINGING UNIVERSAL STUDIO'S THEME IN MINIONESE)

(CHOKES)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(FOLK ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(MINIONS LAUGHING)

(MINIONS WHOOPING)

(YELLING)

(LAUGH AND CHATTER IN MINIONESE)

(GASPS)

NARRATOR: Minions.

Minions have been on this planet far longer than we have.

They go by many names. Dave, Carl, Paul, Mike.

(GASPS, YELLS)

Oh, that one is Norbert.

He's an idiot.

They're all different, but they all share the same goal.

(ALL GASP)

To serve the most despicable master they could find.

Boss!

(ROARS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Making their master happy was the tribe's very reason for existence.

But that's not to say that they didn't have other passions.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(LAUGHS)

Huh?

Finding a boss was easy.

(ALL SCREAM)

But keeping a boss, therein lies the rub.

(ROARS)

(CHATTERING IN MINIONESE)

(ROARS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS NERVOUSLY)

(GASPS)

(ALL YELLING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(DINOSAUR GASPS)

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

(GROANS)

(ROARS)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL GASP)

(ALL CRYING)

(GROANS)

NARRATOR: Nope, it wasn't easy for these guys.

But they never gave up.

With the emergence of the Stone Age

came the rise of a new species.

Man was very different from the dinosaur.

He was shorter, hairier,

and way, way smarter.

(YELLING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

The Minions took an instant liking to man,

and helped him the best they could.

(ROARS)

(GRUNTS) Oh, no, no.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Eh? (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(ROARS)

(SCREAMS)

NARRATOR: Poor man. So trusting, so fragile.

So, so delicious!

Their quest for a boss put the Minions front and center

for some of civilization's most historic moments.

(SPEAKING FAUX EGYPTIAN)

Anubis! (GRUNTS)

NARRATOR: Ancient Egypt held great promise.

(YELLS IN MINIONESE)

Okay! (GRUNTS) Pancake!

(CROWD SCREAMING)

NARRATOR: But it didn't last long.

Hmm. Oh!

(MUTTERS MINIONESE)

Ow!

The Dark Ages were actually fun times.

Their new master had a tendency

to party all night and sleep all day.

(CLEARS THROAT) Ooh!

(GROANS)

(MINIONS SNICKERING)

(SPEAKS FAUX ROMANIAN)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(YELLS IN MINIONESE)

(SCREAMING)

Oh.

NARRATOR: But eventually, the party was over.

(BLOWS)

(SNEEZES)

They bounced from one evil boss to another,

but they never seemed to find their perfect fit.

(SCREAMS)

(ALL YELLING)

One particular employer took their failure very, very badly.

(YELLING)

Huh?

The Minions had no other choice but to keep moving.

(SHUDDERING)

Oh. (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

NARRATOR: And then, when all hope seemed lost,

they found sanctuary.

The Minions were safe!

(ALL CHEERING)

(SINGING WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS IN MINIONESE)

(LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(GRUNTS) (ALL LAUGHING)

(YELLING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

NARRATOR: Years passed as the Minions forged their own civilization.

They truly made a life for themselves.

But something just wasn't right.

(GRUNTS)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

They felt empty inside.

Without a master, they had no purpose.

They became aimless and depressed.

(SINGING WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS SLOWLY IN MINIONESE)

(ALL CRYING)

If this continued any longer, the Minions would perish.

But all was not lost for one Minion had a plan.

His name was Kevin.

(GRUNTS)

He was excited to share his idea with the tribe.

He'd been preparing for days, weeks, months.

But now he was ready.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(WHIMPERS)

(MUMBLES)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(STUTTERS IN MINIONESE)

(ANNOYED GRUNT)

Buddies!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

NARRATOR: Kevin would leave the cave... (ALL GASP)

...go back to the outside world,

and he would not return until he had found his tribe

the biggest, baddest villain to serve.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

But he needed help.

Me!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

NARRATOR: Bob was eager to go,

But Kevin felt he was just not strong enough

for the dangerous journey ahead.

Uh, no. (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(GASPS)

Luckily, someone stepped up.

(ALL LAUGHING) KEVIN: Stuart!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Huh? Me, me? Oh! Thank you.

NARRATOR: Truth be told, Stuart had no idea what he was chosen for...

(GASPS)

...but was thrilled it made people cheer for him.

Thank you. (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(PLAYS GUITAR) (SINGS IN MINIONESE)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Me!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(GRUNTING)

(PARTS)

Eh, okay.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(SOBBING)

(SIGHS)

(GASPS)

NARRATOR: Eventually, Bob's energy and enthusiasm,

but mostly lack of other volunteers, changed Kevin's mind.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(ALL CHEERING)

The tribe said their farewells.

Kevin had given them something they hadn't had in a very long time.

Hope.

Bob! (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Tony! (SPEAKING MINIONESE) (MINIONS CHANTING)

Tom... (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Chris... (SOBBING)

KEVIN: Hey, Bob. (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Oh. (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Bye-bye.

(MINIONS CONTINUE CHANTING)

NARRATOR: Kevin felt pride.

He was going to be the one to save his tribe.

Stuart felt hungry mostly. (STOMACH RUMBLING)

He was going to be the one to eat this banana.

(GROANS)

And Bob... (GASPS)

Bob was frightened of the journey ahead.

(WHIMPERS)

Ah. Okay.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(WHIMPERING)

(SNIFFS) Okay. Okay.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

NARRATOR: And they were off.

Off to find their new boss!

(KEVIN SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(YELLING)

(BOB SNORING)

(CONTINUES SNORING)

(CHUCKUNG)

(BOB PANTING)

BOB: Huh? Kevin!

(PANTING)

(STUART GRUNTING)

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(GROANS) Huh?

(STOMACH RUMBLING) (WHIMPERS)

(CONVERSING IN MINIONESE)

(GROANS)

Huh? Banana!

Uh, Stuart? (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Banana. Banana!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Ugh! Ugh! Stuart! (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(GRUNTING) Stopa!

(GRUNTING)

(SLURPING) Uh, Bob! Stopa!

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

Huh? Oh!

(CHEERS)

Bob! Huh?

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(STUART GRUNTS)

Uh, no, no. No, no. No, no, no.

(GRUNTS) Profiterole.

(MUFFLED)

(SNICKERS)

No, no, no!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Stuart... (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Ah!

(CROWD CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(CHEERS) (CHUCKLES)

Oh, look at that one! Whoa!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Peace! Make love, not war!

Peace and love!

(CHANTING) Boo-ya! Boo-ya! Boo-ya!

Hey, hey, hey, oh.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Kashmiri?

Boo-ya! (CHANTING) Boo-ya! Boo-ya!

Oh.

(SIGHS)

Banana! (CHUCKLES)

WOMAN: Hey! Hey, taxi! BOB: Hey! Hey!

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

BOB: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Banana! Hey, hey! (YELLS)

(GASPS)

Stuart! Hey, oh!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

BOB: (YELLING) Kevin! (GASPS)

Bob!

(MUFFLED SPEAKING IN MINIONESE)

Oh. Bello!

(TIRES SCREECH) (WOMAN SCREAMING)

(BOTH PANTING) Bob!

(HUMS HAPPILY)

Huh? Oh.

(GASPS) Ah! Bob! (GROANS)

(PANTING) Huh? Whoa!

(CHUCKLES)

(CROWD CHATTERING)

WOMAN: (ON PA) Women's bell bottoms and tie-dye shirts marked down.

Check out our wide selection of go-go boots and miniskirts.

(GASPS) Bob!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(YELLS) (SCREAMS)

(GROANS) Okay.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Huh?

Bob!

WOMAN: (ON PA) The store is now closing.

Hey, what are you doing?

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Bob!

WOMAN: (ON PA) Give me that! (KEVIN YELLS)

(GASPS) Kevin!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Oh. Oh.

Ah.

Huh?

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Oh.

Oh. Hey!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) ...buddies.

No? Oh.

Bob! (GRUNTING) Bob!

Oh. (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Oh. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Tim.

Oh! (CHUCKLES) Me Tim!

Mmm, thank you! Hmm?

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) ...Stuart?

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Uh, nah.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Okay, okay.

Oh. "Dating game."

Okay. (SPEAKING MINIONESE) (SLURPING)

And welcome back to The Dating Game!

Well, Jennifer... (GIGGLING)

...have you decided

which of these three gentlemen you'll go on a date with?

Is it Bob?

(SPUTTERS) Yeah! Go, Bob!

HOST: Kevin?

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Kevin!

HOST: Or will it be Stuart?

Oh. Yo, Stuart!

Gosh! This is so hard! They all sounded so cute.

Um, I think I'm gonna go with...

(STATIC)

(SCREAMS)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(GRUNTING)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Stuart.

(GRUNTING)

WOMEN: (SINGING) VNC!

MAN: You're watching the top-secret Villain Network Channel.

If you tell anyone, we'll find you.

Huh! (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Sponsored by Villain-Con,

for 89 years straight, the biggest

gathering of criminals anywhere!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Big boss.

Attend guest lectures from esteemed villains,

make contacts in the underworld community,

and for the first time anywhere,

Scarlet Overkill!

Evil.

So evil.

(YELLS)

HOST: Criminal genius!

Hey, a girl's gotta make a living!

HOST: Move aside, men! SCARLET: Make way.

HOST: There's a new bad man in town... SCARLET: Excuse me.

HOST: ...and that man is a woman! (SCARLET CHUCKLES)

HOST: Crime isn't pretty!

It's red hot!

(BOTH SIGH)

HOST: Get to Villain-Con this weekend.

Only at 545 Orange Grove Avenue in Orlando, Florida.

So much fun, it's a crime.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh! Villain-Con, Orlando. Whoo-hoo!

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Bello! Uh, Orlando?

Ugh. (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Hey, uh... (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Orlando?

(BARKING)

Oh, hello. (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Orlando?

(BABBLES)

Uh-huh. Ah, okay. Thank you, baby! Bye-bye!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Ah.

KEVIN: (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Orlando!

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Hey, Stuart... (SPEAKING MINIONESE) (GROANS)

(HORN HONKS)

Oh, yeah! Far out!

Love is the way, brother!

Ah! (CHUCKLES)

Eh, no, no, no, no, no, Kevin.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Hmm.

(HONKING)

(YELLS)

(LAUGHS)

(IMITATING STUART IN MINIONESE)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(GRUMBLING)

Hey! Stopa! Stopa! Stopa!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(HUMS RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES)

Stopa! Ugh!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(YELLS)

(SCOFFS)

Stuart... (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(WHIMPERING)

(TIRES SCREECH) (SCREAMS)

(KEVIN COUGHS)

(NERVOUSLY) Oh...

Oh, Walter, look!

These adorable little freaks are headed to Orlando, too!

Yeah, I see that! Hey, Walter Junior!

What's happenin'?

WALTER: Tina. Hi!

Binky. Mmm, mmm.

What do you say we give these fellows a ride?

BOTH: Yay! New friends!

All aboard the Nelson Express!

You, one-eye! You're sitting next to me!

Okay. (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Stuart! (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Glad we came along before some weirdos picked you up!

(CHUCKLES) Who wants apple slices?

Ah, ah! Ooh, ooh!

Oh, you, too!

Growing boy-like creatures need their strength.

Okay. (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Heck, yeah!

(MUNCHING)

Thanks, man! (GRUNTS)

All righty! Who needs to stretch their legs?

Yeah! Yes! Me, me, me!

Sweet! You guys wait here, we'll be right back.

Okay, Nelsons, let's do this!

(CAT MEOWS)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(ALARM RINGING) (WOMEN SCREAMING)

Go, go, go!

Okey-dokey. On the road again. (STARTS ENGINE)

(REVS ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECH)

(GRUNTING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

Dad! We got company!

It's because I tripped the alarm. I stink!

Hey, we all make mistakes, sugarplum. You're still learning.

Huh! What?

Your father's right, Tina. WALTER: Reload!

He wasn't this good at being evil overnight!

WALTER: Reload! Your time's coming.

(CHUCKLES)

(GROANS) It's jammed!

(SIRENS WAILING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Huh?

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) (CHUCKLES)

(GASPS)

Okay, who did that?

Uh... (SPEAKING MINIONESE) Stuart! Huh? (STAMMERS)

That was great! (LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES) Thank you!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Say, fellas, can we get personal for just a second?

Why are you going to Orlando?

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Come on. You can tell us. You're going to Villain-Con, aren't you?

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Villain-Con. (CHUCKLES)

Villain-Con.

Wow! So many bad guys in the car. What fun!

I knew it! I knew you were villains! Didn't I, honey?

What a small world! Hope we're not in rival gangs.

(CHUCKLES)

Binky! Joke! (CHUCKLES) Babies, huh?

(EXPLODES)

(MINION CHEER LEADER ECHOING)

(CONTINUES CHEERING)

(GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERS)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(GRUNTS)

ALL: Yay.

(WHISTLE BLOWS) (SIGHS)

(DAVE SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Big boss!

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHANTING)

(DAVE SHUSHING)

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(GRUNTS)

(ALL CHEERING)

(SNORING) (MOANS)

(BLOWING)

When we get to Orlando,

I'm gonna get all my favorite villains to sign my magazine!

Dumo the Sumo!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Boss!

Oh, Kevin, you don't wanna work for him! He ate his last henchmen!

Uh...

TINA: Frankie Fish Lips.

He lives in the ocean.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Boss? Oh...

Can you breathe underwater?

Uh, so-so.

(GASPS) Oh, oh, oh!

Look at her! Scarlet Overkill!

The coolest super-villain, like, ever!

She started out as your average little girl, braces, pigtails.

But by the time she was 13, she built a criminal empire!

If I was a Minion, that's who I'd want to work for!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE) Oh.

Here we are! Beautiful Orlando!

Yeah! We're here!

MADGE: Orlando!

Hey, gang, watch this!

MAN: (ON SPEAKERS) Welcome to Billy Bob's Bait Shop. How can I help you?

Yeah, hi. Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

We're here for, uh, so much fun, it's a crime.

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Whoo-hoo! (LAUGHS)

Villain-Con! (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(GRUNTING)

All right! Here we go!

Well, this is it! I wanna tell you, and I really mean this.

I really appreciate what you did

back there with the cops. Really!

Dad! It's Frankie Fish Lips!

(SNIFFS) I can smell him from here!

WALTER: Junior! Get my camera!

Good luck in there, boys!

I hope you find what you're looking for!

ALL: Bye!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(GIGGLES)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Villain-Con!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah!

Villain-Con! Whoo!

KEVIN: Okay! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Any evil talents?

Not bad.

What about you? Any evil talents?

Uh...

Bello! La, la, la! La, la, la!

Eh?

That's not evil or a talent.

(GROANS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(HUMS)

Bello!

(YELLS)

Ha-ha!

No?

I'm sorry! But I'm not looking for any more servants,

for I, Professor Flux, have invented

the world's first time machine!

Every time I visit the future, I bring my future self back to help me.

Hello!

Oh.

Move that over there, Professor Flux from two weeks from now.

(GROANS) As you can see, I don't need any help.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, way to go, guys. We killed the original!

(GASPS) (ALL YELLING)

Please!

Eh... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(MUTTERING IN MINIONESE)

MALE ANNOUNCER: Villain-Con presents our keynote speaker,

Scarlet Overkill!

The world's first female super-villain!

(STAMMERING)

Appearing right now in Hall H! Bob! Stuart! Buddies! Hey!

Buddies! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Scarlet?

(STUTTERS) Kevin!

MALE ANNOUNCER: Are you ready...

(ALL CHEERING)

Yeah! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

...for Scarlet Overkill!

(SCARLET SIGHS)

SCARLET: Doesn't it feel so good to be bad?

Scarlet! Scarlet! Scarlet! Yes!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

ALL: Whoa.

(SIGHS)

Whoo-hoo! (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

Awesome!

(ALL CHEERING) Yeah!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SIGHS)

Wow! Thank you!

CROWD: (CHANTING) Scarlet! Scarlet! (CHUCKLES)

Thank you so much!

Okay. (SHUSHING)

(CHANTING RECEDES) Ah.

When I started out, people said a woman

could never rob a bank as well as a man!

Well, (IN SING-SONG VOICE) times change!

(LOUD CHEER) I love you, Scarlet!

Look at all those faces out there!

We are all so different!

But we have one thing in common.

(GURGLING) We were born with flippers!

No? Just me? Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT) We have big dreams!

And we will do anything to make them come true!

(CHEERING) Have any of you ever dreamt

of working for the greatest super-villain of all time?

Yeah!

Whoo-hoo! (ALL CHUCKLE)

(CHUCKLES)

Well, what if I were to tell you

that I am looking for new henchmen?

Hey, boss! Boss! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLES)

I truly believe somewhere out there

is a villain with the potential to serve greatness!

And it could be any of you.

Whoa!

Although, let's not kid ourselves.

Truly, the only men for this job are Kevin and his Minions!

Huh? But... But... SCARLET: Ten times the evil

in half the package! I am just in awe!

Let's hear it for Kevin.

He saved his tribe!

(CHANTING) Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!

(CHANTING) Kevin! Kevin! Kevin... Hey! Kevin. Hey. Hey!

Argh! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

So, how should we do this? Hmm.

Oh.

You see this tiny little trinket?

Well, just take it from my hand and you've got the job. (ALL GASP)

(CHUCKLING) No big deal, it's almost too simple.

Uh...

Oh, come on! Don't be afraid.

Just take the stone and get that job! Come on!

Oh, okay.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Boss!

That job is mine!

Ooh!

(VILLAIN LAUGHING EVILLY)

(ROARS)

(GROWLS)

(STRAINING)

Now go easy on me.

(PAINED GRUNTING) Whoops! (CHUCKLES)

(YELLING)

Love the costume!

Ha!

Uh...

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

So cool!

(MINIONS YELLING)

Tim? Tim!

(SINISTER CHUCKLING)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING) Uh...

Oh, no, Bob! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKUNG) Ah! Tim! Tim!

Is no one good enough?

KEVIN: Bob!

(BATTLE CRY)

(GRUNTING)

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

(YELLING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) (GURGLES)

VILLAIN: I got it! I got it!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Ah!

Didn't my speech inspire anyone

to rise up and prove themselves worthy?

All these villains and yet I still have the bear.

Stuffed bear! Why am I holding a bear?

(CROWD MURMUR) Who has the ruby?

(BOB GAGGING)

(CROWD GASP)

Wow! Who...

Who are you, my knights in shining denim? (MOANING GRU NT)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Stuart.

...Bob. Minions!

That was incredible!

Behold! The last creatures you'd expect

to win the day have emerged victorious! (MINIONS CHUCKLING)

Everyone, meet my new henchmen. The Minions! (MINIONS CHEERING)

MINIONS: Kumbaya! Kumbaya! Kumbaya!

Kumbaya!

Hey! (CHUCKLING) I know those guys! I gave them a ride here!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Buckle up, boys! Next stop, England.

(YELLING HAPPILY)

(HUMMING)

(LINE RINGING) (GROANS CONTENTEDLY)

Oh... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(PHONE RINGING) (PANTING)

(GROWLS)

(COUNTS IN MINIONESE)

(SINGING MAKE 'EM LAUGH IN MINIONESE)

(MUMBLING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Bello?

Hey, Kevin! Eh?

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Boss? In England?

Nah, (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Boss!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

(BLOWS INTO TUBA)

(LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

Ah, uh... Bello, Kevin? (KEVIN GRUNTS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...England?

(KEVIN SPEAKS MINIONESE) Uh-huh. (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Boss?

(YETI ROARS) Scarlet Popapil. Ah.

(MINIONS YELLING)

(ROARING)

(LINE BEEPING)

Bello? Bello! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Bello?

Oh! Wow!

Ah! (GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERS)

Here we go! There.

By the way, I really like your bear.

Herb! My baby!

You know I am!

How'd it go? (CHUCKLES)

Were you evil?

So evil! Oh!

A little bird dropped this off today.

(HERB WHISPERS MESSAGE)

It's me, I'm the "H."

Also, there was no bird. Also me.

Herb, seriously, I wanna dig up that William Shakespeare

so he can see what true writing is.

I love it!

Ah, that works out because I love... (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING) Well, I love... too.

(IMITATING SCARLET AND HERB) Ah, the love, ah!

(KISSES) Oh! Oh, ah. (LAUGHING)

Oh, boys, could you come here, please?

Meet my husband, Herb. Inventor, super genius, fox.

(SIGH)

Herb, these are the new recruits.

Kevin, Stuart, and that cute little one is Bob.

Hey, Bello! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Right on! You guys are crazy little and way yellow,

And I dig that!

(GRUNTING)

Sweet, man!

(YELPS) Ah, ah.

Whoa! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

I know, right? Ah!

SCARLET: Just a few things I stole to help fill the void.

Whoa! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...mega ukulele!

Checkin' out my can?

We stole that because finally someone

expressed my love of soup in painting form.

Wow! Ooh!

Okay, listen up! It is time to get down to business.

Do you know who this is?

Uh... (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

This is Queen Elizabeth, ruler of England.

Oh, I love England. The music, the fashion.

I'm seriously thinking about overthrowing it someday.

(GASPS) Ooh! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Anyway, this pale drink of water oversees it all.

I'm her biggest fan, love her work!

And I really, really, really want her crown.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) (GIGGLES)

Steal me the crown and all your dreams come true.

Respect! Power!

Banana!

Banana!

(CHUCKLES) Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(MINIONS SHUDDERING AND GRUNTING)

(MUTTERING) Ha! (GRUNTS)

Henry! (STRAINING GRUNTS)

(GASPS) (SHUDDERS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...England. Uh...

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) (GROANS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...England...

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(YELPS)

(GROWLS) (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SCREAMING AND CHATTERING IN MINIONESE)

(ROARING)

(LAUGHS) (ALL GASPING)

(GROWLING)

(YELLING IN MINIONESE)

Oh, uh...

Hmm. (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Heh. (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLING) Wow! KEVIN: Whoa.

Ooh-la-la.

HERB: No! (CHUCKLING) Oh, no.

Don't get too close, boys.

When it's completed, it'll be my ultimate weapon.

But right now, it's leaking radiation like you would not believe!

So, you're here for gear.

Whoa!

Bob, Robert, Bobby, my boy.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) You get my far-out stretch suit.

Wow! (CHUCKLES)

Kevin, Kev-bo, Seventh Kevin,

you are the proud owner of my lava lamp gun.

Ah? This baby shoots actual lava!

Ooh! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

HERB: Pretty cool, right? (CACKLES)

And finally, Stu. Stu-art, Stu-perman, Beef Stu.

I got you the coolest invention, probably ever.

(CACKLES) Oh.

Hypno-hat! Uh, oh.

Uh...

(BOTH MUTTERS) (IMITATES CHICKEN)

You can use it to hypnotize anyone. Anyone!

Oh, you look so great!

I feel like a proud mama with three

dashing evil sons. (YELPING)

Uh, Scarlet, (STAMMERS) Scarlet... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

No, no. Don't say anything. I won't understand.

It's getting late. You've had a big day, you must be exhausted!

Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing...

Wow! These cats are pumped!

Well, maybe I'll settle them down with a bedtime story?

Ha-ha! (RAPID GRUNTING)

(YELLS)

How does that sound, Bob? Bob. Bob! Bob!

Oh! Bedtime porry?

That is a groovy idea! I'll go get some cookies and warm milk.

This is gonna be so fun!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...bedtime porry.

Oh, yes, I've got a really, really good bedtime porry.

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs.

(PIG GRUNTING)

One fateful day, the pigs encountered a big, bad wolf...

(SNARLS)

...who had a wonderful surprise for them!

The wolf offered the three piggies and all their friends

a job working for her. (CHEERING)

Everyone would be so happy!

All the three little piggies had to do

was just steal one little crown

that the beautiful wolf had wanted

ever since she was a penniless little street cub,

unloved and abandoned.

But that crown would mean she was a princess,

and everybody loves a princess!

So the wolf sent the piggies to get that crown.

(GRUNTING) (ALARM BLARES)

But the little pigs weren't up to the challenge.

They failed their mission.

So the wolf huffed and puffed, and she blew them off the face of the earth!

Yo, po, po!

The end.

(BOTH STUTTER)

Good luck getting that crown tomorrow, little piggies.

I know you won't disappoint me.

Um.

(SNORES)

KEVIN: Okay.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Scarlet. (WHIMPERING)

Which way is the loo, please? Hmm.

Oh, thank you. Ah.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CLEARS THROAT) Bello.

Uh... (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...please.

You're not allowed in without an adult. Scram, hooligans!

Oh. (GROANS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Uh, mm.

(BOB CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

Ooh... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Oh, la...

Stuart... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(STUART GROWLS SOFTLY) (YELPING)

(KEVIN GRUNTING)

How many tickets, please?

(STUTTERS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...please.

(KEVIN GRUNTS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...please.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Enjoy yourself, love.

MINIONS: Thank you!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It was nowhere near Hyde Park! (CHUCKLES)

Bob's your uncle.

KEVIN: Huh, hmm.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) STUART: Okay.

(KEVIN GASPS) (BOB HUMS)

KEVIN: Okay. (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(KEVIN AND STUART GRUNTING) Huh? Ah!

(KEVIN SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF) He-hey.

Okay. (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

BEEFEATER: Hey! (GASPS)

What are you doing here? (KEVIN STAMMERS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

This is a restricted area! Hands in the air!

No... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SINGS HAIR IN MINIONESE)

Stop that!

(CONTINUES SINGING)

Get back.

(ALL SINGING HAIR IN MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLES)

Yay!

(GRUNTS) Ah!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Bob, Stuart... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLING AND CHEERING)

(STRAINING GRUNT)

(GROANS) (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLES)

MAN: So...

So, you came for the Queen's crown, did you?

Well, you're gonna have to get through me!

The Keeper of the Crown!

(LAUGHING)

(IMITATING KEEPER) Ow! Hey!

You think it's funny to mock the elderly, do you?

Uh... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(GRUNTS)

I've been up here for decades,

just waiting for someone to try

and steal the Queen's treasure!

(GROANS)

Okay. (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SINGS IN MINIONESE)

What are you saying? Never mind, don't care!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, no! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Oh, no, you don't!

(STRAINING AND YELLING)

Oh, flippin' heck!

(KEEPER YELLS)

(MUFFLED) What's goin' on?

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(YELLS)

Bob... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Eh... Hmm. Wow. (GRUNTS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(THUD)

(KEVIN SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(PANTING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Hello!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

Huh? (LAUGHS)

(BOTH PANTING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLES)

(BOB SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(BOTH YELPING)

Hello!

Stone the crows!

Stop him, lads! Wait!

Go for the legs!

(ALL YELPING)

Gordon Bennett!

Kevin!

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

The Queen's been kidnapped, Sarge!

Blimey!

(SIRENS WAILING)

Hyah! Hyah!

THE QUEEN: Ooh!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING AND YELLING) Ha! Boo-ya!

(SCREAMS AND GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

Huh. Hyah! Hyah!

What's going on? Bello!

Oh, my goodness!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Whoa! Ha-ha! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

THE QUEEN: No!

(GROANS)

Gentlemen do not steal ladies' crowns! (GRUNTING)

Huh? Hmm?

(RAPID PANTING)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPING AND GRUNTING)

(HORSE WHINNIES) Huh? (GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

(GRUNTS)

THE QUEEN: Oh, dear!

(SCREAMS)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(STRAINING)

(SCREAMS)

Ah! Ahhh!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

You scoundrel! After them! Uh-oh.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(YELLING)

MAN: Stop the blighter!

(RAPID PANTING)

Go on, grab him! (GASPS)

Huh?

(STRAINING)

(YELLS)

Huh? Oh.

(SINGING)

(GRUNTS)

Cor, blimey!

One of England's most famous myths has become a reality

as a new king has been crowned.

Bob, who appears to be a bald, jaundiced child,

has pulled the famed sword right from its stone,

which, legend dictates, makes him the new king.

(SPITS) Tiny yellow traitor! (CUP BREAKS)

(GROWLS)

(JOYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHS) England!

ALL: England! England!

(CHANTING) England! England! England!

(GAGGING) England! England...

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Ha, ha!

(GRUNTS)

(MINIONS SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(ALL YELLING)

(SINGING IN MINIONESE)

(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(LAUGHS) Bello!

Bello!

Cut!

(SHUDDERING)

Hey, Bob. (SPEAKS MINIONESE) (MUNCHING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(ALL LAUGH)

(YELLS)

ROYAL ADVISOR: Hello, King Bob. Uh...

Welcome to Buckingham Palace.

Uh, no.

Oh, what's the matter, Your Majesty?

Whatever's bothering you, we can make it right.

Just name it!

Oh.

(CHUCKLING) Buddies!

Buddies! Buddies!

Buddies! (CHUCKLING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Oh. (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh... (SPEAKS MINIONESE) (FEEDBACK)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CLEARS THROAT)

King Bob!

(CHEERING)

MAN: Long live the king!

WOMAN: King Bob! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

...Bob... (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...King...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SPUTTERS AND LAUGHS) (BOTH LAUGH)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

So... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SINGLE SLOW CLAP)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SIGHS)

King Bob!

(CHEERING)

Oh... Yeah! (LAUGHS)

BUTLERS: King Bob! Wait!

Wow! BUTLERS: Whoa! (GRUNT)

Whoo-hoo!

(GRUNTS)

(PANTS) Oh...

Yee-haw!

King Bob!

Hyah!

(YELLS IN MINIONESE)

(BATTLE CRY)

Hmm? Huh! Ah!

(CHUCKLES)

(RINGS BELL) (CHUCKLES)

Yes, King Bob. Oh.

(CHUCKLES) (RINGS BELL)

King Bob?

King Bob?

Ah, Claire.

Mmm, Tiffany.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Rawr!

Ball! (GRUNTS)

How dare you! (YELLS)

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

(GROWLS)

(WHIMPERS)

Scarlet!

Don't you "Scarlet" me, you backstabbing little traitors!

Using Herb's invention to steal my crown?

(SHUDDERS)

I feel used. Not gonna lie.

You stole my dream! I was going to conquer England someday!

There was gonna be a coronation,

and I was going to be made Queen.

Every moment was planned.

I'd wear a dress so sparkly, it glowed!

And everyone who ever doubted me would be watching,

and they would be crying!

I was going to be the picture of elegance and class!

And you pinheads screwed it up!

No, no, no! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

No, no, no, King Bob! You cannot just abdicate the throne!

Who invited the square?

And you definitely cannot just give the job to this woman!

There are laws!

Boss. (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Boss.

(LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Scarlet Popapil!

(SHOCKED MURMURS) King Bob has officially changed the law,

Clearing the way for Scarlet Overkill

to be crowned Queen of England!

She will be coronated at London's historic Westminster Abbey.

If I wasn't so polite, I'd say this spells certain doom for the country,

if not the world.

But I'm so very polite that I shall keep my mouth shut.

(LAUGHS)

But, seriously, we're all in big trouble.

REPORTERS: Scarlet! Scarlet!

SCARLET: I don't have time to answer any questions.

I just want to thank the Minions

for going above and beyond the call of duty.

You are three tiny, golden... (GIGGLES)

...pill shaped miracle workers,

and you have stolen not just England but my heart.

REPORTER: Scarlet, over here!

(SPEAKING MINIONESE)

Pardon me? (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Eh?

Wow! So many! Good for you!

Well, you'll all get what you deserve.

(GRUNTS)

Serve! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...serve!

(ALL EXCLAIM EXCITEDLY)

Whoo-hoo!

(SINGING THEME FROM THE MONKEES IN MINIONESE)

(LAUGHS)

Oh.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Uh... (ALL SHUDDER)

(KEVIN SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Uh... (DOOR PEEPHOLE OPENS)

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I hate you.

I thought I could get over what you did, but I feel so betrayed.

I think... Yes, I think we're gonna have to break up.

And it's not you. (SOBS)

Wait, hold on. It is you. It's 100% you!

(GASPS) No, no.

So get comfortable, Minions. Get real, real comfortable.

Because this is where you're going to spend

the rest of your worthless little lives.

(WHIMPERING)

All right! Let's do this!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Herb!

Who's this handsome "Herb" fella?

No, my name is "Blerb." I'm a dungeon master.

Prepare for torture, which I do!

(ALL GASP) (WHIMPERS)

All right, are we comfy? Doesn't matter! This is torture!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Huh. Oh. (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Wow! Harder than I thought. Next machine!

Oh, welcome to Hang Town! Population, you!

(GRUNTS) Oh.

(YELPS)

(MINIONS LAUGH) (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Whoo-hoo!

Cut it out! This is really unprofessional!

There's no laughing in the dungeon!

I wanna see tears and I wanna hear screams,

or I'm gonna get... Wait!

Hey! Ooh! I've got a groovy idea!

Ah!

(MINIONS LAUGH)

Look at this! Argh! (LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

SCARLET: Hello! Will the future king, Herb Overkill,

please come upstairs to prepare for the coronation?

Well, I hope you learned your lesson for today.

(ALL LAUGH) (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

And by the way, it was me, Herb, the whole time!

I don't even know anyone named "Blerb"!

Uh, Herb... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(WHIMPERS) Oh. Huh.

I am hours away from becoming the Queen of England!

I know! It's a gas! (CHUCKLES)

I will finally get my crown. Yeah.

It's all I've ever wanted. I'm going to be so happy.

(LAUGHS)

But let me ask you something, Fabrice.

Does that look like this to you?

(LAUGHS)

Mrs. Overkill, the hair in that picture, it's just two wavy lines!

Oh, so, what, now you're an art critic?

I drew that when I was five years old! Get out of my sight!

(GUNSHOTS) (SCREAMS)

Bye, Fabrice!

I liked him. He was fun.

So, what do you think of the dress?

Oh, it's so beautiful. So fashion-forward. So Valentino.

Gave it a sweetheart neckline because you're my sweetheart.

The high collar and cinched waist

reflect a simpler, more violent time.

The material is a blend of taffeta and high-density body armor.

Fully armed and loaded.

And that glow, that's nuclear.

Nice. Just one more thing to do.

Gotta look good for the public.

Ugh.

Do you mind?

My pleasure.

(HERB GRUNTS)

Little tighter, sweetie. Come on, I can take it.

Little tighter. (GRUNTING LOUDLY)

Tighter! (STRAINING)

Must have tiny waist.

Seeing stars, seeing stars!

(GASPS)

Losing feeling in my legs. Perfect! Tie it, tie it, tie it, tie it.

(KEVIN SIGHS)

(KEVIN SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Huh?

Ah. Bob! Stuart!

BOB: Eh? (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(BOTH GRUNTING) (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLES)

Ooh! Bello! (IN SING-SONG VOICE) Ooh-ooh!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) (SQUEAKING)

Ah! Oh.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Ah.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(ALL GRUNT)

Huh! (ORGAN PLAYING)

(SOBBING AND BLOWING NOSE)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(GRUNTS AND GASPS)

Ah.

(BOTH SPEAK MINIONESE)

Eh, eh, Kevin... (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Scarlet.

(GRUNTS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Ah! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

"Porry Scarlet."

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

He, he! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Boss.

(GRUNTS) (SQUEAKS)

Oh. (GIGGLES)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Ah, okay!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Huh?

(ALL GRUNT)

(MINIONS SCREAM)

I love you, Scarlet!

Queen wave, queen wave! Queen waving!

(APPLAUSE)

I am so, so excited! This is perfect! (GIGGLING)

Everyone looks so nice!

Oh! Oh, you are just adorable!

Oh, yes!

(ORGAN PLAYING) And that music, oh!

Who is that organist? She is good! Right? She looks like an Edna.

Edna, you are very good! Who was that? Whoa!

(GIGGLES)

Thanks for doing this, padre. Big fan. Uh-huh.

Come here, let me squeeze you! Oh, you are so squishy!

(KEVIN GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Scarlet.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Go, go, Go!

(GROANS)

(KEVIN GRUNTING)

(FRUSTRATED GRUNT) (CHUCKLES AND SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Ouch! Ouch!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) (KEVIN SPEAKS MINIONESE)

KEVIN: (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...sayonara!

(GROANS)

Ciao... (SPEAKING MINIONESE)

(SINGS AULD LANG SYNE IN MINIONESE)

(KEVIN SPEAKS MINIONESE) Bob...

(BOB YELLING) KEVIN: Stuart!

(GRUNTS AND SPEAKS IN MINIONESE)

(GRUNTING)

Aww! Oo-ooh!

(SIGHS) (GRUNTING)

Okay! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) (GROANING)

(GRUNTS)

Oh! Beh...

ARCHBISHOP: Will you to your power

cause law and justice... (GASPS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Popapil!

(GRUNTING AND BLOWING)

Oh! Ah...

Hmm? Ah...

(CRIES)

Huh? Uh... Uh... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Stopa! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(GRUNTING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Bah!

(BOTH YELLING)

(BOTH SPEAK MINIONESE AND YELLING)

ARCHBISHOP: In mercy...

No, no, no!

ARCHBISHOP: Do you, Scarlet Overkill...

(BOTH PANTING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE AND CHUCKLING)

Yeah!

Huh? Oh?

No!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Uh, mmm...

(GRUNTS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Bob.

(GRUNTING)

(BOB SPEAKS MINIONESE)

ARCHBISHOP: I proclaim thee, Scarlet Overkill,

the Queen of England! Oh! Huh?

(GRUNTING)

Kevin! (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Huh?

(GROWLS)

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Scarlet! Scarlet, my queen?

Somebody help me!

Come on, come on! Lift on two. One, two!

One, two!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(RUMBLING) Huh?

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Scarlet! You're okay!

He tried to kill me!

Uh, no... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Villains, this is no longer a coronation! It is an execution!

Get them! (VILLAINS YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

Whoa, Nelly! Run, fellas, run!

VILLAIN 1: Come back here, you!

(PANTING)

Ah!

(ROARS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) (YELLING)

(SHUDDERING)

(MOTOR WHIRRING) Uh?

(PANICKED CHATTER IN MINIONESE)

(PANICKED YELLING)

(SINISTER YELL)

Hyah!

(PANTING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Aah!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

You're mine!

Stuart, Bob! Uh...

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(MANIACAL LAUGHING)

Oops!

(YELLING)

Oh! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Hey! I got one!

(YELLING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(LAUGHING)

Tim!

(SIGHS)

(GURGLES) Huh?

Oh? Aww! Oh! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHUCKLES) Uh? Eh?

(GROWLING) (SCREAMING)

Tim!

Stuart! Bob!

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Buddies!

MALE VOICE: (OVER SPEAKERS) Mind the gap.

Mind the gap.

(MINIONS CHEERING AND CHUCKLING)

Mind the gap! Mind the gap! Mind the gap!

Mind the gap.

Mind the gap!

VILLAIN 2: He won't get away!

VILLAIN 3: He won't escape us!

(ROWDY CLAMOR)

(GROWLS)

(QUEEN LAUGHING) Huh?

What about this one?

Why did the queen go to the dentist? (STRAINING)

To get her teeth crowned.

(LAUGHTER) Heh! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Tell us another one, Lizzy!

KEVIN: Uh, uh...

Bello! (SIGHS) Oh!

It's you.

Everyone, this is one of the little fellows

who stole the monarchy from me.

And how's that working out for you?

Uh, Scarlet... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Oh, yes, yes, I saw what was going on on the telly.

Uh, telly?

What was meant to be the coronation of

Scarlet Overkill has gone terribly wrong as...

SCARLET: Move!

(GROWLING)

Kevin, Kevin, I know you're out there.

You think you've gotten away? Well, what do we have here?

Bello!

Oh, my goodness! Bob? Stuart?

Which one shall I kill first?

Little Bob? Stuart?

Bob! Stuart!

I will do it, Kevin, if you are not back here by dawn!

Oh, my!

(GASPS) No!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...buddies!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Scarlet.

(GRUNTING)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING AND YELLING)

(SIGHS)

(SINISTER LAUGH)

There he is!

(GRUNTING)

Follow me!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Ah! Ha-haa!

(LAUGHS)

Who the man, eh? (LAUGHS)

Uh... Oh!

(DISTANT THUDDING) Oh.

(YELLING)

Harder! It's just my head.

(SPITS)

Oh, no! (PANICKED GRUNTING)

DUMO THE SUMO: This way! Let's get him!

VILLAIN 2: Go, go, go!

(PANICKED GRUNTING)

(ROARS) (KEVIN YELLING)

No! (YELLS IN MINIONESE)

(NERVOUS GRUNTING AND MOANING)

(ALARM BLARING) Huh?

(SCREAMS)

(CRIES)

Oh.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

(BLOWS) Huh?

FEMALE VOICE: Ultimate weapon initiated. (SCREAMING)

Activation in three, two, one.

(VILLAINS GASPING)

(ECHOING) Bello.

(VILLAINS SCREAMING)

Huh? (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...buddies!

(MUFFLED MUMBLING)

SCARLET: This is it, boys!

Things do not look good for you.

Oh, and I'm keeping the bear.

(MUFFLED GASPS) Tim!

You're not gonna need him where you're going.

(WHISPERING) Heaven.

(GROWLING)

(BIRD SQUAWKING)

Huh? Uh... Aah!

Shoosh, shoosh, shoosh, shoosh! Oh!

Huh? Ah!

(GRUNTING)

Bye-bye. Say bye-bye, Bob. Bye-bye!

(MUFFLED WHIMPERING)

(SOBBING)

(SCREAMING)

(CHUCKUNG)

(BOTH STRAINING AND MUMBLING)

(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(BOTH CHEERING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Huh?

Oh, whoa!

Wait, what? How did he...

(GROWLS) Hold my bear.

(BOTH YELLING)

Huh?

(BOTH YELLING)

(WHISTLING)

(CHUCKLES AND SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Yippee! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Kevin!

(GASPS AND SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

So, that's your plan?

Make yourself a bigger target?

(LAUGHS)

(YELLS)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (CHATTERING QUIETLY IN MINICNESE)

(KEVIN WAILS IN MINIONESE) Huh?

K-K-Kevin? Hey!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Kevin!

(EXCITED CHATTER IN MINIONESE)

(SCARLET SCREAMING)

Whoa!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SHUDDERING WHIMPERS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Ow!

And so help me,

I never wanna see another one of

your goofy, bug-eyed faces ever again!

MINIONS: (CHANTING) Scarlet! Scarlet! Scarlet! What?

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh no, you don't!

Whoa!

And just for the record, my little deviled eggs,

you can thank Kevin for what I'm about to do to you!

Ow! Ow!

(SLURPING)

(ALL CHEERING) Bob! Stuart! Buddies!

Tony! (LAUGHS)

Tom!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Chris!

You the man!

(LAUGHS) Buddies! Mazel tov.

(CHOKES)

Ugh! Ew!

Ooh! Aah! Kevin! Kevin!

Enough! This ends now!

(GRUNTING)

Kevin!

(LAUGHS) You imbecile! Have fun exploding!

Baby!

What's the rush?

Got to get out of here!

Let us go!

No, no, no, no!

(STUTTERING) Kevin!

(BOB CRYING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SOBBING)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) (GASPS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE AND LAUGHS)

(SOBBING)

Kevin... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(MINIONS HUMMING TAPS)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(ALL HUMMING)

(SCREAMING)

Huh? (EXCITED SPUTTERING)

(CHEERING)

Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo!

(PANICKED GRUNTING AND YELLING)

ALL: Ooh!

(MINIONS CHEERING)

(PAINED CHEERING)

Stuart? Hmm.

Bob? (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Okay.

(INHALES DEEPLY AND SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to celebrate the Minions!

(CHEERING)

(CHEERS)

(BARKS) Huh! (RETCHES)

The country owes you a great debt of gratitude.

Bob, you were a wise and noble king for all of eight hours.

So for you, I offer this tiny crown for your teddy bear, Tim.

(GIGGLES)

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Oh, very good, Bob!

(SOBBING)

Oh, spectacular!

I'm so proud of you boys!

Oh, Stuart. (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

For you, I have this beautiful, super-duper, incredible...

Ah! ...snow globe!

Eh? Poglobe? Uh, ze...

And look, look, hours of excitement!

Oh, uh...

Yippee. Uh, eh, gracias.

(SNORTS AND LAUGHS)

Stuart, we're just messing with you!

Don't be mad at me, it was Kevin's idea.

Kevin! (LAUGHING)

THE QUEEN: We have a much better surprise for you!

(GASPS) (SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...super mega ukulele!

Uh... Wow! (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(PLAYING NOTES)

(DISTORTED GUITAR RIFFS)

(CHEERING)

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

(STUART SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...poglobe.

Thank you.

Right. Uh...

And finally, Kevin!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

You are a hero of the highest order.

For your bravery and valor, I am knighting you.

From here on out, you are Sir Kevin.

Well done.

(ECSTATIC CHEERING)

MALE NARRATOR: What a beautiful moment!

Kumbaya! Kumbaya!

The nation, nay, the world was celebrating Kevin, Stuart and Bob.

The last few thousand years were rough, no question,

but things were finally going their way!

Kevin had never been more proud.

But something was missing.

Yes, good show, good show!

(GASPS)

My crown is gone! It's gone!

Blimey!

She's lost the crown! Oh, my days!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

(SINISTER CHUCKLE)

Scarlet?

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) Scarlet! Hey!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Scarlet! Hey!

They took everything from me! My castle! My reputation!

Things look bleak, baby, I'm not gonna lie!

But now at least I have my crown!

(CROWD GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

(MUFFLED) Child, give me that back.

No, I don't think so!

You have no idea who you're messing with!

I am the greatest super-villain of all time!

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

Were you?

(CHUCKLES)

(STUTTERING)

B... B... Buddies... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Ah!

(SPEAKS MINIONESE) ...Boss! Ha, ha!

Get back! Are you really going to allow that little penguin

to make off with my crown?

Herb.

I'm done.

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

For me?

(SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Bye-bye!

Big boss!

(MINIONS CHEERING)

MALE NARRATOR: And that is how the Minions found their new boss.

He was cunning, he was evil, he was perfect.

He was despicable.

(SINISTER LAUGHTER)

(SHOOING)

(IMITATING)

Huh?

Banana! Banana!

Banana!

(MINIONS CHATTERING) Banana! Banana! Banana!

(SCREAMING)

(YELPS)

Banana!

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

(HUSHING)

(GROWLING)

Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!

(LAUGHTER)

ALL: Gru! Gru! Gru!

Gru!

(GIGGLING)

(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

(SHOUTING)

(SINGING REVOLUTION IN MINIONESE)

Bob... (SPEAKS MINIONESE)

Hey! Come back here!

(GROWLING)

(ROARING)

Freeze ray! (GUN CLICKS)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)