Original subtitles

Dun dun dun dun!

NOOOO!

Daft. I'd rather be a base.

Lovely dream.

And a lovely song, eh?

No, that dream was intensely idiotic. Idiotic?

Moved me to tears. Did you even hear it, Luddy Wood? Tears? That dream was a

proper nightmare.

You've no appreciation of great music, Luddy Wood.

But when it comes to me... I

sing this little ditty every day when I get up.

I skip and I jump and I trot and I trip and I never want to stop.

Now someone is sleeping and snoring and groaning, but that is Luddy Wood.

I always wake up early, that's why I'm never in a silly mood. Hey!

Really,

Tutson, that fishing thing is a hopeless project, and you know it.

Nonsense, man. Something will bite. I can feel it.

I mean, let's face it.

You've been... Missing for days without anything to show for it in the time he

gave up.

There should be a law against that kind of fish.

People could get hurt in all kinds of ways.

But,

Tudson... Aye?

Shouldn't we put the fish in the freezer?

Are you mad?

It's freezing in there. The poor thing will catch pneumonia.

Yeah, you're right.

You stay cosy, little fishy.

Just where you are.

What was that?

Hmm?

What was what?

I heard a hiccup. Was that you?

Me? On an average Wednesday.

Stop it.

There's something in here.

Something sinister.

Like a great big beast, eh?

Yes, exactly.

A great big beast.

There, I heard it again. Tunnel, are there?

I, Luddy Wood, have seen it before.

Oh, are you?

Stop it. Come on, stop it. Bye, Luddy Wood. Bye.

Have heard.

Scuffling. Scuffling? Yes.

And scary giggling.

Re -pittling?

Giggling. Giggling.

Oh, I see. Giggling.

Giggling. Oh, my gosh.

Hudson? Yeah?

I've seen a big beast inside this very tunnel.

You have?

Yes. It had a hundred heads and more than...

Fourteen legs? Holy mackerel, that's a lot of stinky feet.

Oh, yes.

Yeah? And I... Yeah?

I ran after it.

You ran after it, Luddywood? I may even have been running in front of it,

Tootson. You were in front?

Yes, that kind of beast. Yeah?

Eats little Tootsons and Luddywoods for brunch.

For brunch? You think that's scary?

Really scary.

To them, we're just little morsels.

Deep inside our tunnel lives a really big old beast. They say it's got a

heads and fourteen legs at least. We are very frightened, yeah, that is really

true. Maybe sometimes you all feel a little frightened too.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

Maybe it will come tonight and have us both for tea.

If it gets a biscuit, do you think it'll let us be?

I hope he eats Woody Wood first.

He's so full.

He won't want to eat me.

Big old bees are deadly for us two tiny guys.

And ending a felicity dinner won't be very nice.

The big old bee's got a hundred heads and it wants to eat the guy.

The big old beast has a hungry head and it wants to eat us alive.

Yes, that big old beast has a hungry head and it wants to eat us alive.

The big old beast has a hungry head and it wants to eat us alive.

Oh, that big old beast has a hungry head and it wants to eat us alive.

The big old beast has a hungry head and it wants to eat us alive.

That.

That's a beast with claws.

That's a beast with claws.

A hundred eggs?

A hundred eggs?

Does it really exist?

Well, I hope so.

Please be real.

Luddywood, look.

The beast pushed over Grandpa's chest of drawers with all his pirate stuff

inside. That's downright vandalism, that is.

That beast, the better watch out. If he starts messing with my Grandpa's chest

of drawers, I'm going to...

The beast.

The awful beast.

You see the big beast. Yeah.

No, you see, us conductors don't deal with animals.

No, not animals.

It's an awful beast with a hundred heads and 14 feet.

It's just humongous. You must have seen him.

Awful beast.

There's really no such thing.

I've got a letter for the both of you.

Ah, look. A letter? A letter.

Bow me over.

How nice. Isn't it just... It's from the government.

You're going to have to move out.

Move out?

Yes, move out. Look, it says right here, living in tunnels is not allowed.

Oh, but there's no government here.

It's just the two of us.

Maybe, but the government decides everything.

But surely we have a say as well. No, you don't, actually. The government

decides everything.

You are moving out today.

Today? We have to move today?

Yes. It's written in the letters.

It says immediately.

Immediately. But I like living here.

And who do I?

Tunnel to portray.

Not for people. And definitely not rats.

Goodbye,

then.

Badger all.

What are they doing?

Are Tutin and Liddyward moving?

Why? Why indeed.

We're homeless, Tutin.

Here's a photo of Captain Tootson and a weird little boy.

Hmm? Oh, that's me.

Oh.

What's that in your hand, then?

That's Grandad's peg leg.

He let me use it as a softball bat on Sundays.

Hmm. I can't help but think, Tootson. Now, there's something new.

What would your Grandad do in a situation like this?

Well, to begin with, I think he'd get up and sing a little song, do a little

jig. He had a ukulele, though.

No, in a situation like ours.

I mean, if he'd been evicted.

Oh, he would set things right, he would.

Exactly. Set things right. I bet he wouldn't have a problem telling the

government what to do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My grant's right. He'd give the government a proper walloping using Mr's

pinky, no question. Yes, yes, yes. But he isn't here, is he?

No.

No.

We haven't seen your granddad in a long time now.

It's been hours at least.

What do you mean, hours? It was years ago, Tootson. A matter of minutes.

I wonder about you sometimes.

Oh, right.

OK.

Hmm. Oh, but, Luddywood, treasure map.

Luddywood, all real pirates have a treasure map. So we'll follow the

map and we'll find Grandad, right? And I'm absolutely certain he's going to

us out. Brilliant. No, it isn't just brilliant. It's downright genius. Come

Luddywood. We're sorted.

Tuck down that Luddywood. Tuck down that Luddywood. We are going to find the

treasure, treasure map.

Tootson and Bloody Wood, Tootson and Bloody Wood.

Why are you two still hanging around?

Just get out, will you? We decided to go and fetch Captain Tootson. Captain

Tootson, you say?

He's my grandad, right? And he's really strong. You know, my grandad will show

the government. I'll give him a boot right up... Backside.

Did I mention he's my grandad? Yes, we've already heard that he's your

Captain Tootson, he's obviously not here right now, so...

Where is he?

We shall find him.

Whatever the cost. And wherever the cost.

No.

What kind of behaviour is this? I've told you a thousand times over that

This behaviour is...

Spartan, yeah.

Yes, exactly.

We don't want any of that sort of thing in our tunnel.

Shame on you. Badger -o. Oh, badger -o, being told off.

Yuffie -yuff. Is Ludewood mad at you?

Come have a go.

Yuffie -yuff.

Come on, we need to find that treasure map right away. Right you are. Let's

in the drawer.

This chest of drawers is brilliant.

It belongs to Captain Tutson. That's my grandad, that is. And this thing here is

chock full of pirate traitors from all over the world.

You disco pants, Tutson.

That's where they are.

Grandpa told me he got them from the Duke of Lower Mongolia himself.

You know, Captain Tutson once emptied China of cockneys just by clearing his

throat. Oh, I don't believe that at all.

And now they all live in London. Just ask them. Ask them? Yeah.

It's incredible if you ask me.

My fantastic Gramps was the captain of the ship.

He held the helm through rain and storm and he never let it slip.

For Captain Tootsin was master of the sea.

Captain Tootsin, the sailor man.

But now he's old and does the best he can.

Captain Tootsin is an aging man. A doodle -a -ba -doodle -ee.

Captain Tootsin is an aging man. A doodle -a -ba -doodle -ee.

Captain Tootsin is an aging man. Go on, Luddy Wood. Deep, deep inside this

tunnel, there's a huge big boulder.

Funny thing about it is, it looks exactly like a backpack.

One. In a dream, I went up to the backpack boulder and opened it. And what

see inside?

It was Captain Tootson, and he was playing the tuba.

My fantastic Gramps, now a boulder is his home.

Way down in our tunnel, yeah, I'm wondering what he's doing there.

Captain Tootson's sitting deep inside a stone.

Captain Tootson's inside a stone. Because he's got his olden love.

Captain Tootson is getting up.

Captain Tootsin is an aging man Captain Tootsin is an aging man

The

map! Yay!

That's treasure map! Look, the backpack boulder looks just like it did in the

song about Captain Tootsin. How?

Now, let's see. The backpack boulder's over there.

Oh, now I see it. That means we have to go this way first. Over to the left.

Turn up here and we can stop, have a coffee.

Oh, that'd be nice.

Yes.

You know, this nonsense isn't going to help. Will to.

Will not.

Will to. Will not. Will to.

Will not. Will to.

Rightio, I'm off to report you to the government now.

Wait and see. You'll both be sorry then.

No! Will to!

No! Will to!

No! Will to! No!

Will to! No!

Will to! No!

Will to! And that's the last of it.

No!

Will to!

OK, you win.

Badger, you hold the fort and we'll go find Captain Tootson.

Da -da -da!

There, now, you'll do just fine.

You can do this.

Well, little sister, did you throw them out?

They won't move out, Gudrun. And now they're going to fetch Captain Tutson. I

knew it, didn't I? Captain Tutson is hiding in his damn tunnel.

Did you see the backpack boulder? No, but they've got a map. They chose where

is. And you got that map, didn't you?

Oh, no. Then why are you here?

Get after them.

Guthrie, what are you going to do with that?

That train?

Wait and see.

We're going to need it to take back the backpack boulder. I'm going to lose my

job if they find out. Lose my job?

Really now?

Once the backpack boulder is mine, you won't have to work again.

Ever. Yeah, but... No more essentials.

Get going, will you? Show them who's the little sister you really are.

All right, Cutter.

And shut that door!

That draft is giving me the sniffles!

So which way do we go now?

This way? Or that way?

Let's see what the map says.

It says here we have to take the path to the left.

So, to the left or to the right?

Oh, Tootson, you can't tell your left from your right.

Of course I can.

So which of these paths is the one on the left?

Well, it's obviously the one on the left. You know that as well as I do. Oh,

Tootson, Tootson, I'm going to teach you how to tell left from right once and

for all.

You are?

Which hand is the one you don't pick your nose with?

Hmm.

Oh, that one's a... Oh! Yeah, this one, is it?

Wrong. Wrong?

So it's this one?

Correct, Tootle. You always pick your nose with your right hand, which means

this is your left hand, right?

Oh, that's a really easy way to remember it.

There is a badger in our roof.

Badgery, badger all. There is a

badger in our roof.

Where are we now?

Did we walk off the map?

Did they just forget to draw this part?

Man, see there is the cow in a tunnel Followed by a little dog here

Did they run away from Penn and Carroll?

Wonder why they've come in here Is that dog a bulldog or a cow

dog?

Is it dangerous to people?

Are they line -dunking or playing leapfrog?

Will they wag their tails or moo?

Will they do what doggies do -do When they raise their

leg and stop?

Save our hat for now!

Save our hat for now!

Something better, more powerful. They just came by and kept on going.

Look, they're heading for the exit.

But our curiosity's just growing.

What on earth was this about?

Was that cow a cowgirl or a cowboy?

Was it dangerous to people?

Were they real or some kind of decoy?

Wonder why they came in here Wonder why they came in here

That

was

enormously entertaining, don't you think?

I'm frightened, Bollywood. Me too.

What are we going to do if the big beast shows up?

We'd better run ahead of it, just like you did. But what's ahead and what's

behind? I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know!

Hurry, Bollywood. It's gaining on us. I'm scared.

It looks like we're almost there. I think it's this way. Bollywood, you've

saying that for an hour and we're still...

I think I've sprained me bottom.

And I think I've broken my femur. Should my knee be pointing backwards?

Oh, hang on. I've got two of them.

Chicken! Yeah?

Yeah! Oh,

the backpack.

Oh, dear.

Let's call for Grandad. See if he'll come out.

Grandad!

Captain! Captain Tootson!

Maybe he's having a nap.

All right, then, come on. Let's just go inside.

Okay.

Grandad! Captain Tootson! Peek -a -boo!

You don't say peek -a -boo to a real pirate captain.

All right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Look. It's me granddad.

Sabre. He let me play with it when I was a little boy.

This is incredible.

Balder. It's easier than I thought it would be.

Little sister.

Do not let anyone into that boat.

Grandad also wanted to teach me fencing while standing on my head.

Tinson, come over here.

What could this be, do you think?

Hmm, looks like some sort of steering wheel.

Great.

Neat, neat. Move over, you slow coach.

Look at me, Luddy Wood. I'm doing 20 miles an hour.

Oh!

Tutson, where the devil are you?

Now, come on out. I know you're there.

Um, maybe there's some sort of trap door or something.

Where did they go?

Bloody wood!

The North Pole!

Help!

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow! That's sore!

Tootsin'? Tootsin'?

Maybe he's gone to a party.

We're back in 72.

The Captain Tristan was telling us a story from the days of his youth when he

was the pirate captain.

A crooked smile on his face to let everybody see one of his rice peas was a

-to. He would wear his eye patch either this way or that way.

And the weather, he liked the best. It was the northerly wind from southwest.

He stuck fair in...

Fish oil.

Fish oil?

Hiya, sailor. Are you here to sample our famous fish oil? No, but thanks all the

same. I'm looking for Captain Tootson, the particularly famous pirate captain.

That'll flop. Very famous.

That's a good one, mate.

Oh, well, OK. Do you know where he is?

I haven't seen that coward since he took off.

He owes this harbour two buckets of gold.

Captain Twenton isn't a coward at all. He's famous, no?

Well, let me tell you something about that captain of yours.

I just push some buttons, see? Oh, oh. And then...

was just a wimpy little sailor. Gudrun was the real boss.

So who's Gudrun? Gudrun was the actual queen of the seven seas she was, and

Captain Tootson was just a little lover boy.

Hang on, what was that? You said lover boy?

But all the same, that coward of a captain managed to take off at Gudrun's

treasure, the backpack boulder.

Exactly,

and no one has seen that little coward ever since.

Hang about, this can't be true. Are you sure?

Fish tube.

Want to see it?

Uh, okay.

No, no, go away!

Go away!

The folder's mine, I tell you! It belongs to me!

Don't you start your little old fool!

Come back here at once!

Stop doing that!

Took off he did, and nobody's seen him since. That galleywag.

Oh, that's funny.

I always thought Captain Tootson was an honourable pirate.

He went away for years and not a single word was heard. Then one day he suddenly

surfaced. When he came back, he looked good. He was a sticky little thing.

Oh, but at times were tough and there was... Stay true, stay true!

Am I happy to see you?

I'd have been a popsicle if it weren't for you.

I don't get it.

You can't possibly end up in the North Pole just...

something special.

Oil from the cloaca of a giant shark that died in 1826 of typhoid goitac.

Uh, oil from a what?

Seriously bad breath, man.

Yeah, I've been to Tropical Island. Did you try to kiss a rotten shark or what?

No, I've been trying to track down Captain Tooth. That's my grandad.

I'm afraid he owes two buckets of gold, and he's not at all brave or famous. Two

buckets of gold?

That's my grandad, all right. Listen to me. At the bar, they said your grandad

was a complete coward.

They even had a film about him.

A film?

God's wallet.

Yeah, you're right.

Probably just special effects.

This is all just insane, isn't it, Luddy Wood?

I've been to the North Pole.

You've been to a tropical island.

How is that even possible?

Yeah, I know. And we still can't find your grandad. I mean, maybe we should

give up.

What's the matter now?

What? Oh.

What the... Captain Tootson...

died?

My grandfather... dead?

Just be dead.

Hang on.

On second thoughts, Tetson.

Yeah? Actually, this is good.

Eh? Now we know where he is.

Get ready for your heavenly lunch break.

Captain Tootsie.

Grandad.

Hello

there.

Nice to see you both.

It's my grandad.

Yes, we have to keep our voices down here. My condolences.

What do you mean?

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's not what you think. You see, we're just passing

through, you know. In that case, I'll tell you that this place is all about

peace and quiet and silent rejoicing.

Awfully boring, if you ask me.

Oh, play your harp and leave me alone.

You have to come down to the tunnel, Captain.

Right away.

Oh, that's not possible, no.

Nobody ever gets out of this place alive.

The good book says so, you know. But we need to help Grandad.

They're going to throw us out of the tunnel.

Please. Oh, dear.

That is sad.

We got this letter from the government.

Hmm. But there's a name here that's scribbled out.

Gudrun?

Why, I do believe it's Gudrun.

Gudrun? Gudrun. She is... She is an old pirate queen I knew in my youth, as I

recall it. Love a boy.

She isn't the government.

She's a phony.

Treacherous and cunning like a hellcat. She's always been after my backpack

boulder.

And you're being thrown out by her?

That's right, Captain.

She tricked you.

It's my boulder she's after.

She must not get hold of the backpack boulder. Do you hear me?

If Gudrun takes the backpack boulder, she can do anything she wants and get

hands on anything.

Wealth, weapons, power.

She could become the worst dictator the world has ever seen.

Oh, my word.

Gudrun must be stopped.

Help me in. Yeah.

Yes. Come on.

Oh, my giddy heart.

I'm going to enjoy getting out of here.

What do I do now?

Hold the fort down.

Secure the area, little sister.

I've almost done here. And then...

The keys, where are they?

Good book do you think you're up to?

You think you can just waltz in here and break all of the heavenly laws just as

you please?

I'm so sorry. You see, we were just... You were just... Hmm?

What? You were just... Oh. Just you wait and see. Our Lord and Savior will set

you to right.

He who has created everything.

If anyone can make a fuss, it's him.

Could you excuse me for one moment? Yes, hello?

No, absolutely not. No, out of the question. You have to continue to remain

downstairs.

Yes.

And I'll be sending you down three more shortly.

Run! Run!

Hey, stop them!

Oh, you will feel the wrath of heaven.

Stop, Sandro! You come back here right away!

I'll get you! Wait! We'll get you!

never thought I would be.

Badger. No time to play with your pet.

We have to stop Gudrun.

And who in the seven seas are you, you landlubber?

Captain Tutson.

I'll have you know, you are vandalizing my personal property.

No, this property belongs to the government.

Government?

boulder is mine. She'll never have it. Now, away with you. Help!

Captain Krypton has returned.

We're saved.

Goodwin won't give up without a fight.

Oh, what do we do then?

I have a formidable plan.

We're going to move the backpack boulder to the mouth of the tunnel.

Would you look at this?

Someone must have sabotaged the apparatus while I was away in heaven.

Probably just needs a bit of adjustment.

Make yourself useful, boys. You two push the boulder, I'll work on this thing.

Right, push the boulder. Right, you mean pushing it, as in with a hand? Yes, hop

to it. Oh, yeah, hop to it, then, lovey -wood, you heard the man. Needs a bit of

brute force.

Yeah, but brute force is just one method, Tootson. Of course, we could use

brains as well, be smart about it. Maybe we could use a balloon or something to

lift the entire backpack.

boulder. Well, that's clever. I do like that.

Hey, guys, they need help.

Oh,

that's brilliant, Tootsie.

We'll make it go downhill.

Genius. Yeah, and to slow it down at the bottom, we could do something sticky

like... I know what you're thinking, but we're absolutely not smearing goo on

the boulder.

Huh? No, no, no. Goo?

I'm thinking glue.

Glue. Glue.

Glue. Glue.

Glue.

Glue is not the same as goo.

Goo.

Glue. Glue.

Have you two gone completely loopers?

Oh, we're pushing now. We're pushing right away.

Pushy, pushy. Pushy, pushy. Push.

Oh,

great idea.

Yay. That's very good, Dad.

Calm

down,

will you, Grandad? You're tipping the entire boulder over the way you're

working.

If we want to take the backpack boulder back, we need proper equipment.

My old lover boy may be wimpy, but he can be full of surprises.

Plus, he's got those two weirdos with him as well.

I'll bet those three good -for -nothings are thinking up some new fiendishly

cunning plot just about now.

Yeah, and a removal van can also be a solution.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello?

Hello? Is that the removal company?

Yes, how do you do, Mr. Removal? Could you please... Come here right away.

When my phone starts making noises like

a parrot with a flu, there's a call I must take right away.

When I dial a certain number so your phone squeaks at you, I am trying to

you and say,

hello, hello, how are you today?

Feeling fine.

Toodle -oo.

Toodle -oo, Luddy Wood.

Hello. Hello.

How are you today?

Feeling fine.

Toodle -oo. Toodle -oo, Luddy Wood.

Let's stay on the line. Okay.

Little mice squeak and pretty birds squeak and a windscreen wiper squeaks

baby who's happy squeaks too.

Rusty door squeaking rubber duckies and an old man when he speaks. But you know

when your phone squeaks at you.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you today?

Hello.

Toodaloo.

Toodaloo.

And Paul's landline phone is a good thing to have, yes, even when it's out

of service.

One thing it's still good for, just grab it by its cord and use it for hammer

flow practice.

Hello. Hello.

How are you today?

Feeling fine.

Toodle -oo.

Toodle -oo, Luddy Wood.

Hee hee hee hee hee.

Let Gudrun come at us with whatever she wants.

It's my turn now.

Hey, what kind of devilish mutiny are you two planning?

How come you're not moving the backpack boulder?

We're in a hurry.

Get a move on. Aye, aye, Grandad. Aye, aye, Captain.

We've got this. You can count on us. Don't suck up to him like that.

Goodness me. You managed to move it already?

That's very good work, guys.

High five, then, Ludewood.

Boys, over here. Look at this. Now, we are preparing to launch the world's most

invincible weapon.

Oh, you mean your ship, right? You're bringing your pirate ship here, yeah?

guns and a Jolly Roger and four masts full of sails. Oh, yeah!

That's my granddad, Ludewood.

Just look at what he can do. Just a teeny tiny second. Captain Tudson, with

due respect, there's absolutely no water here to float your ship, is there? Pay

close attention now.

My magnificent ship was the terror of the seven seas.

And here, here she comes now.

So, your invincible weapon is a banana.

Oops, we must have pressed the wrong button.

Oh, well, as they say, it happens to the best of us.

Captain, there's a huge train coming with a skull and crossbones on it.

Oh, one minute. Give me one minute. One minute, that's it.

I need to come out here, Grandad. Maybe we should go inside.

Well, if it isn't my precious lover boy, eh? I'm not your lover boy.

Little Captain Tootson. Oh, shut your trap, you, you waffler.

Oh, my backpack boulder is ready for pickup. That's nice.

You're not getting away.

She's just an old lady. We can't fight an old lady, can we?

What are you saying?

She's a dangerous vampire shark.

Go to battle stations, man. On the double.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Aye, aye. Oh, Captain.

My Captain.

This is it. Sink or swim.

Is that your famous pirate ship?

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, look! It is Loverboy's very own little toy bathtub ship.

Oh, I'm very blessed, dear old dear.

come to get you and the backpack boulder.

Boy, little sister.

Here we go.

Mummy! Come on, Grandad.

He's a hitteress.

No, leave me alone.

Mummy!

This is just too easy.

Grandad, how do you go to fight her?

Pirate fighting with sabres and Japanese karate.

Couldn't splash right up the bottom.

told me that you were an invincible pirate captain and all that.

Yeah, well, it was just to make you proud of me, Tutson.

I was bluffing.

I was boasting.

I lied.

Without the backpack boulder, I would be nothing, nothing.

Is it true, Grandad?

Now to... No, don't.

Be happy that you even have a granddad at all.

No, my granddad is no pirate.

He's a fake.

A wimp and a coward.

Of the very worst kind.

Make sure the cables are secure.

Okay.

What about when this is all over? May I please leave then?

Don't you start, little sister. You belong to me.

I've done everything you've asked me to.

You are a really awful big stick of dirt.

Come on, we've got to do something.

The big beast could scare them off, don't you think?

Yes, yes, yes. We can catch it.

Catch it?

Oh, but we're going to need bait.

Bait? You can be the bait.

No way.

Am I going to be bait? Well, it's a great idea. The beast will come for you

right away.

Look, I'm so good looking, you know what?

Nah, according to my mirror, I'm a lot better looking than you are. I'm not.

I'm two. I'm not. I'm two.

Not. I'm two.

I'm two. Nope. I'm two. No way. I'm two. You're not. I am Tootson, so I should

be the bait.

Hmm. All right, then.

What the farting goblins is that stuff?

Well, it's badger perfume, isn't it? A real actual cairn.

Just in case you're not handsome enough.

No need. I'm plenty handsome.

Why is poor Luddy Wood facing the top of the plant?

All of this is my fault.

We might as well go straight back to heaven.

What?

And this is where we pause the film.

So far, the plot of this film has been pretty normal, with a more or less

acceptable moral to the story. So at this point, we have three alternative

endings to choose from. Three? What do you mean? Oh, and a likely one. Really?

Let's begin with the nice one.

Gudrun and Captain Tootson rekindle their romance.

They get married, kissing and cuddling for the rest of their days. Oh, that's

lovely. I really like this one. The big beast marries Badgerow, and they have 70

crazy kids.

You and I get married, too.

All right, but I want badger off with me bridesmaid. And then there's the sad

ending. OK.

Gudrun defeats the big beast. She opens her own zoo.

Oh, no.

Where she forces Captain Tootson to perform a daily pirate show.

And far, far off in a remote tunnel, two tunnel dwellers choke on old licorice

and die. What? They die?

Oh, this doesn't sound like a nice family movie, does it, Luddy Wood? And

there's the likely ending.

Everybody wanted to see the film about the big beast, but they didn't want to

pay for it. They wanted to wait until they could watch it for free. But by

it had been forgotten and was only being shown in Art House Student Film Club.

Oh, really, Luddywood? Now you're just being weird.

Stop this right away.

Well, it could really happen, you know.

Give me the remote. I don't have any remote. Yes, you do. Give it here. Push

that button. Oh, OK.

No, no, maybe that one.

There's no other grandad in the world, you know.

There's simply no other grandad who can lie like you do.

And that's good.

Really good.

And you could be my grandad too, if you like.

Would you allow me to be?

Yes, of course you can be. Can't he, Tudson?

You know, Luddywood, I've been around the block a few times in my youth.

So it's actually not that far -fetched that I am your grandpa.

Come to think about it, it's really quite possible.

And I wouldn't be much surprise to find that I'm your grandma as well.

Feeling

like

a thousand butterflies are racing in my tummy.

Ooh, you'd almost think we've had a meal.

Dreams are coming true, two days a day. And it's going to be so yummy.

Ooh, certain topics I think could squeal. You are now. Sure you are. Now

stage is set. I walk up to the mic stand.

Everybody's eyes are on me.

And I'll be dumb and dandy.

Feeling very smug now, dumb and dandy.

Dandy like a smug now, dumb and dandy. Oh, what the fuck?

Lobby horses are the bucking girl. My hand guitars are more cool.

But listen to the people cheer.

It's so groovy you can rock the world with Cherry Jam for Maker.

Can you feel the hour drawing near?

Oh, great.

Good -for -nothing Badgerow has been in the... Badgerow!

Badgerow!

Help me down, somebody Help me down Where did

everybody go?

Birthday parties don't come every day It's Christmas only

once a year

To the mic stand.

Everybody's eyes are on me. And I'll be dope and dandy.

Feeling very smart now, no?

Captain Twister was telling us a story from the days of his youth when he was a

pirate captain.

A crooked smile on his face to let everybody see one of his right feet was

-to. He would wear his eye patch either this way or that.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

But yes, and not a single word was there. Then one day he suddenly said

With a kid's bag full of gold and sticky on me.

All five of that kind were tough and there was no one else to work for. And

tried to trust Steve Saylor. He stayed into space and longed for the old. Make

the best.

What's another Lee Wynn from Southwest?

He's the parent.

Luddy Wood?

Yes? Did I tell you about the time when Captain Tootson learned to play the

banjo with his knees?

Yes, you did.

Luddy Wood? Yes? Did I tell you about when Captain Tootson learned how to swim

underwater, but he stayed under for so long, he developed gills?

Yes, you did.

Oh.

Luddy Wood, Luddy Wood S, what is it now?

Did I tell you about when Captain Tootson was an Iceland right, and he sat

in the hot tub right, and all the Icelanders suddenly went...

What is all that awful farting? And it was Captain Tootson. And all of a

they had the world's very first jacuzzi.

Yeah, you told me. Oh.

Luddy Woody, did I tell you about when Captain Tootson landed on a deserted

island? And he had to sit down, right? Because, yeah, he was tired. But he sat

right on top of a pirate's treasure. And it was huge.

And the island was cursed. So a bunch of skeletons were coming for him. And they

were like... And he was like... But luckily, he had his pistol, right? So he

just shot up all the skeletons.

and then the treasure was in, and everybody was like, Captain Tootson is a

really cool guy.

Did I tell you about that? Yeah. Oh.

Oh, Luddy Wood, Luddy Wood. Yes, what is it, what is it? Did I tell you about

when Captain Tootson skipped a day of the week? Right, skipped Thursday, and

was Friday all of a sudden, and everybody was like, woo -hoo -hoo, cool,

long weekend. No, I haven't heard that one before. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, but

I've heard it. Oh, oh, okay.