Original subtitles

- So it's my first day at this prestigious company,

which is now being run by my old boss

from that talent agency.

Anyways, I'm in the bathroom when all of a sudden,

these two guys at the urinals next to me start arguing

about whether or not one of them sounds like Dave Grohl.

One of them pulls out his phone,

starts playing a Foo Fighters song,

and he makes me guess if it's Grohl singing

or the guy pissing next to me.

And honestly I can't tell.

Sorry, hang on.

Anyways, then my boss asked me to send some faxes,

but the copy room's so dark

that I can't even read the numbers.

So I go to flick on the lights,

it turns out it's some sort of master power switch.

The whole building shuts down.

The place was going fucking ballistic.

Next thing I know, I'm getting pulled into HR,

they wanna go over some documents

that they found in my trash the week before.

It's a plea deal for my DUI

and some notes on my Draft Kings lineup.

Basically, they think I have

a drinking and gambling problem,

but why wouldn't they bring that up when they hired me?

So boss comes in, he starts looking at my notes,

cut to, he's lecturing about which stats are my best

when making a fancy baseball draft.

And he's talking about pitchers

in ways that I can't even understand.

So I just nod along.

The craziest part is I'm with this woman

who I used to work with at the agency

who's now an executive.

We're reminiscing about an old colleague who,

well, he actually died of a drug overdose a few years ago,

when all of a sudden, dead guy walks in the room,

picks up a pen off the desk and walks out.

She looks at me and asked me if I'm gonna start crying

like I did at the agency whenever I got nervous.

Basically, the guy never fucking died!

And they made some fake obituary in hopes that I'd read it.

So now I'm wondering if I should quit

or if it's just some sort of fucked up hazing ritual

to see whether or not I'm a coward who can't hack it.

Anyways, before I make a decision,

I wake up.

What do you think it all means?

It's Carl, by the way. Call me back.

Come on.

"The dryer will be fixed by Friday.

It's gonna be fixed on Friday."

Well, it's Friday, Farook!

Motherfucking dryer ain't fixed.

- Carl, is your friend staying for dinner?

Carl, turn that music off!

- We are who we are

because of who we are surrounded by,

or, or who we surround ourselves with.

Okay, we are the sum of the...

We are the sum of those we surround ourselves with

and luckily, when we met,

I still had plenty of room for spare parts.

What does that even mean?

Okay, we are the sum of our relationships.

And I was lucky enough to benefit from your taste in music

before you discovered BDM.

Come on, I know you're here somewhere.

Ah, there you are!

Beautiful.

Chain-smokers are the modern day equivalent of Creed.

Mark my words.

Too harsh?

But that's

the beauty

of relationships, friendships, all the ships really.

They carry you out of your comfort zone,

so you can discover new places,

people, things.

Wait.

Oh, like when we met at Emerson

during freshman, freshman orientation.

There you are.

Is that a non sequitur?

Maybe I need a quote. Quote sequitur.

Freshman orientation.

Emerson on that glorious gray day.

Everyone wearing loafers and polos and khakis.

It's an honor to be here.

- Give me those keys, Butter Lips.

- Arvin.

- You'd best change those drawers.

You're gonna ruin that leather.

Oh, shit.

So you're finally ready to get rid of this old lady, huh?

I'll give you a deal, 1500, 'cause I know she needs work.

What with how you kids like to jerk your gears

like you've found a second willy.

And I'm likely the one that's gonna have to do that work,

but cash is king and Thomas queen.

So you got yourself a deal.

- Yeah, she's not for sale, Arvin.

- Oh, come on.

Don't tell me you couldn't use the extra scratch.

I see that tiny little television set

you're always watching.

- You see what?

- Son, you got your blinds wide open

like you're giving a Muppet show to the entire building.

What do you got in there, a 30 inch?

Me, I got myself a brand new 77 inch ultra HD 14K TV set.

It's great.

You know what? I'm really in a hurry, Arvin.

- All I'm saying is you don't need this kind of horsepower.

A guy like you only needs like one horse.

Hey, whatever happened to that old girl

you used to hang out with?

Never see her painting her paintings.

I'm not gonna find her in the dumpster, am I?

- How often you go dumpster diving?

- Hey man, not my case to solve.

All I'm saying, when a chick magnet like this stops working,

maybe it's time to let someone else hold the horseshoe.

Hell, I could take this thing for a spin right now.

Hey man,

get out of the car.

- Hey. - Get out of the car!

- Goddammit, man, all you had to say was no dice.

- Yeah, I shouldn't have to.

- No, no, I shouldn't have to.

- Dickhead.

- All right, fuck you. This is my dream car.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Kudos for not using this as bait on your profile.

- You know, real fishermen don't need flashy lures

to catch a prize fish.

- How do they know when they've caught one?

- Oh, trust me, they know.

We know, we just, we do.

- Okay. - I'm telling you.

- Do you do a lot of fishing?

Ah...

Like online or?

- I mean any form really.

- Sometimes.

Come on!

No, people love that one.

Oh, my goodness, who's this?

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

So no car or dog in the dating profile?

- Oh.

- Man, I have heard about burying a lead,

but you tried to like cremate it.

What's her name?

- Her name's Penny, but her real friend's call her Penguin.

- Oh, Penny the Penguin, stop.

- Can I get you anything?

You want some water, wine,

beer, whiskey, ecstasy, Molly?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Wine please, if it's red.

- Red wine coming up. - Yes.

Your place is eclectic.

- Eclectic? - Yeah.

- Thanks, thanks, I think.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Ah.

Everything okay? Was it something I said or...

It's okay, I'll just call an Uber, it's fine.

- No, no, it's something, it's something I didn't say.

It's something I should have said.

- Carl, what are you talking about?

- That guy, that little fucking bridge troll.

- Oh, the karaoke host?

Is that still bothering you?

- Look, your name was next on the list,

I know your name was next on the list,

and those Neil bro hipsters paid off

that little fucking bridge troll,

just so they can sing "Sweet Caroline"

for their hundredth fucking time.

- Okay, well, they probably did everyone a favor

by not letting me up there, honestly.

- I just...

Not only do I hate that song,

but I hate when people do that shit and nobody says a thing.

It just, it drives me crazy.

- I didn't want you to cause a scene.

Besides, now we can go back and try again.

- Ah, I guess you're right.

- Pretty cool place, otherwise.

- I guess you're right.

Anyway, that shit never would've gone down at Dimples

because that place had standards, integrity,

even in its own weird ways, you know.

- Didn't you say Dimples was the place Mr. Belding

used to go to pick up starstruck young actresses?

- Yeah, like I said, weird ways.

But we still had a really good time there.

You would've loved it.

- Well, I guess I'll never really know

because Dimples is a whole foods.

What are you doing? What's happening?

- It's all right, hold on a second.

Yes.

- No.

- Yes. - No.

- Yes, it's happening.

It's happening, dreams really do come true.

- Oh, my God, no. - Yeah, come on.

- I didn't ask for this.

- You're up. You're up, babe.

Come on, come on. - Okay, okay, okay.

Wait, wait.

- Oh, God, I knew you could sing.

- You know what?

- Oh God, that was so sexy!

What a singer, what a singer.

Oh! - Yes, it is.

- Oh, I got a guitar solo for you.

- Oh, was he?

- Right there, right there, yeah.

Look here, look here, go, go.

- Beyond where the rubber meets the road

and below where the heavens meet the hilltops

is where the blood meets the blade.

This is "Murder in the Mountains."

- It's just wild,

no one's even mentioned this neighborhood

since I moved to LA and now,

suddenly, everyone is moving here.

- Yep.

- Which means it's too late to move here

because the prices have already doubled.

- I knew it was coming.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, when you know the signs,

you can get in on the ground floor.

- Oh, okay, you got me. So what are these signs?

- Well, if you wanna gentrify a neighborhood.

- Mm-hm. - You'd open up a bar.

- Yeah.

- You gotta start charging 20 bucks a cocktail

that involves some sort of house-made, artisanal,

organic, farm to table bitters.

And that way, you scare away all the locals

and you lure in all the moneyed hipsters.

Or you can just open up an art gallery.

- Ooh!

So then how come you live in Burbank?

How come you didn't get in on the ground floor here?

- Oh me, I hate street level.

Ugh, I really do.

No, I much prefer to live above the communal laundry room.

- Yeah.

- It's nice how it sort of rocks us to sleep at night,

right, it's kind of like an adult Snoo or something.

Is that what it's called?

- Yeah, I think so.

- One of those, you know, coin-operated motel beds?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, oh, oh, that's so sexy.

Wow, they own this place?

- Yep.

- God, $20 for a cocktail doesn't sound that bad anymore.

- No, I hate to admit it,

but they did well with the renovations.

- Yeah, I'm guessing they also do well.

Wait, wait, wait, did you graduate together?

I mean, did you go to school with Brett or Brooklyn?

- Okay, we all went to Emerson, same class.

Brett grew up in Pasadena.

His parents were in the industry, clearly.

- Yeah.

Okay, well, don't worry.

I'll be on my best behavior, I promise.

- It's not that, I'm not worried about you.

You're awesome. - Okay.

- Yeah, always awesome.

- Okay. Then should I be nervous?

Your friends aren't in a cult, are they?

Or worse, are they moneyed hipsters?

- Come on.

- They can't be that bad, can they?

- No, it's not that, it's just-

Hey.

I've been watching you for like five minutes

on my Ring camera, right.

- Wow, sweet sweater, bro.

- Thanks, Katie bought it.

- Oh, did she? Did she buy you those jackets too?

- You must be Monica. - Yes.

- I'm Brett. - Hi.

Oh, sorry, I'm a hugger.

- Oh, hey, hey, hug is good, hug is good too.

- I hope you like Prosecco.

- You know what, if it's good enough for Carl,

then it probably won't kill us.

- Wow, it's funny.

He's funny. - Come on back.

Whole gang's back here.

- How you doing, bro?

- Oh, you know, we were just talking

about how absolutely gorgeous your home is.

- Oh, thanks, yeah, we put a ton of work into it,

but it seems like there's always another project to tackle.

- Yeah, I'm not sure if finding the cheapest guy

outside of Home Depot qualifies as a ton of work.

- Brooklyn, you can't say that, it's not their fault

America makes it impossible to get a work visa.

- Babe, I wasn't joking about them,

I was joking about Brett.

- Monica, this is Dallas and Brooklyn.

- Hi. - You're Monica?

- And you're home to the worst basketball team in New York.

- Oh, my God, I love you already.

Is that obsidian?

- Yes, good eye. Never leave home without it.

- It's her spiritual pepper spray.

Where's Katie?

- Just putting a board together.

I'll let her know you're here.

- You guys, I'm so sorry for not greeting you at the door.

I always get stuck in the weeds with these things.

No pun intended.

- Ah, yeah, the herbs and veggies come from Katie's,

oh, sorry, excuse me, Chef's garden.

- It is so lovely to meet you.

- You too. It's so nice to put faces to all the stories.

- Do any of them involve swashbuckling or jumper squads?

- No, but I'm listening.

- I think they'd rather start the game.

- Yes, of course.

I haven't played Salad Bowl since theater camp.

- Well, would you like to join team one or team two?

- Oh, my God, Carl, you did not tell me

that Brett and Katie are engaged, congratulations.

When's the date?

I'm sorry, that was insanely personal and uncouth.

You don't have to answer that.

- Don't or can't.

- Look, everybody knows, well, almost everybody,

we spent two years saving up and then the market crashed,

and then inflation hits. - Inflation.

- And now things are finally starting to get back to normal.

- And?

- And that means we can set a date.

We'll do it next week, okay.

- Or?

- Or I will call that ranch in Bozeman Monday,

Monday, all right.

- Monday.

- Oh, speaking of, are you guys following

that missing girl in Montana?

- Yes, I love true crime.

I've heard they're already making it

into a podcast and a miniseries.

- Do you get the TMZ crime alerts?

I cannot stop thinking about that new interview.

Those poor parents.

- Poor parents?

Come on, they're clearly culty, clear-cut culty.

They probably sacrificed Jenny

in some demonic harvest ritual.

- Wait, a cult?

- Yeah.

- Hun, where did you get that?

- Have you seen them?

- Yeah, I've seen them, but clearly, it's the neighbor.

I mean, all that farmland.

- You can hide a body. - Mm-hm.

- That's exactly what I thought, yeah.

- And that old woman, she is so sketchy.

I mean, her kitchen, it screams hoarder.

- She's such a hoarder, she wouldn't even get rid of a body.

- Monica, you are so dark, I love it.

- Well, Brooklyn and I think it's the boyfriend.

I mean, did you see him trying to cry?

It was like wringing on a dry sponge.

- When did we see this?

- You always think it's the boyfriend.

- That's because it always is.

Unless of course, it's the husband, AKA former boyfriend.

I mean, did you see his tweets? He's crazy.

- Maybe she drove him crazy, right?

In which case, killing her would be an act of self-defense.

- Are you kidding me?

I can't tell if you're being

an asshole or an idiot right now.

- I'm just being impartial.

I'm just trying to look at both sides,

instead of calling someone crazy

and condemning them to a hot takedown.

- Carl. - Well, the rest of us,

women, people of color,

every other marginalized group,

don't have the privilege of both sides

because we're victims of cis white monsters.

No, I'm sorry, men like you.

- I'm just saying the boyfriend doesn't have to be crazy,

he could have another motive.

- That's not an excuse.

- It's not an excuse, it's a reason.

- For treason.

A reason for treason?

Oh, my God, you don't remember?

Oh, it was one of those perfect fall nights.

So when the cops broke up the party in Austin,

we cut through the Commons on the way home.

Dallas, love of my life, had just transferred,

so Brett, Carl and I were still living in the dorm.

Next thing we know, somehow Carl manages

to get on the roof of the building.

- Somehow, yeah, somehow I recall you suggesting it,

maybe even leading me up there.

- Anyway, it's like two a.m., right and Carl's out there,

I'm talking 10 stories up,

screaming about swashbuckling and fucking.

- Oh, my God, please tell me there's more.

- Oh, stay tuned. So now Carl wakes up the whole building.

So there's a crowd outside,

and here he is at the edge of the roof,

tearing pages out of a textbook

making up stone in September.

- That's right.

They thought he was throwing a suicide note.

- So somebody called the police.

Even the news came.

- Because they thought he was a jumper.

- And they shut down oils, did you guys know this?

For the first time since the Sox won the Series.

Some chief gets on the megaphone,

starts asking Carl why he's doing what's doing

and that's when Carl famously says,

"A reason?

I will give you a reason.

A reason for treason!"

How theatrical.

Well, every time I hear someone say, "Give me a reason,"

I think about that night, what a night.

What a crazy fucking night!

- You weren't really going to-

- Anyone else want some? - Yes.

- Were you?

- Carl was always saying crazy shit back then.

He was like Hemingway on a bender,

whenever, no, whenever he was on a bender.

But that's what made him such a great songwriter, right?

- Brett and Carl were in a blues punk band in college,

which is as cool as it sounds.

- And in LA.

- Until they grew up.

- Well, to Los Angeles, where,

where dreams become fantasies.

- Cheers. - All right.

- Nice and light, Carl. - Cheers.

- Hey! - Hi.

- We're on our way. - Yeah.

- Salvation Muffin.

- Oh! - Whoo!

- Hello, Carl, Dr. Herman here.

Sounds like we have a lot to talk about.

However, I would suggest you refrain

from leaving lengthy messages,

so we can process these things in session.

Speaking of, it's now a quarter after, so unfortunately,

I will have to charge you another no show fee.

Please call my office to reschedule.

- Go ahead and just give me like a little pucker.

Okay, maybe even just like caress, like caress the car.

- Okay, okay, okay, love it, love it, love it.

- Yeah, like actually, like lean into it.

- Excuse me.

- Like- - Excuse me, hi, yeah.

- Ooh, hi!

- This isn't some like Insta Wall

at a vegan seafood restaurant.

It's, it's not for like, it's a car, it's my car.

- Whoa, whoa, chill, dude.

You're like scaring the traffic.

So you're like- - Shouldn't you ask

before you take photos?

- Yeah, but this car is rage, like total rage for us.

Why would you wanna keep it all to yourself?

That's like so, you're selfish.

- Yeah, dude, like someone's totally

going to like glam gram this ride,

it's not going to be you, so it should be us.

- Yeah, what do you have against my gram? You don't know me.

- I, I don't. - Typical.

- Really typical, like, dude, like just like grow.

Well, you're already grown, but like, you could do better.

- I'm just- - I know.

- Look...

- Yes?

- If you're gonna do it right,

you should really get some shots of the grill,

it's its signature feature.

- Oh, I got wide, do wide again.

- It's good from the low angles, from the...

- We've got it.

- Okay, yeah, that's, go ahead and do it.

- Do I jump on?

- Do you want some photos too?

- What? - Huh?

- Gimme some beer.

- What?

- Beer, I forgot my license.

- How old are you, kid?

- 23.

- Look, I don't have time for this.

- Don't be a fuck.

Hey.

- Hey!

- Sorry.

- Does the devil like cookies?

What?

- Well, ask him when you see him.

- Hey!

Hey, put that down, man. Get the fuck away from my car!

- What are you doing?

- Let's go, baby, yes! - Hey.

- I know, look at this. Their skin is skinny.

- And I'm in the background.

- Yes, give me a little moment.

Yes.

- Ready? - Yeah.

Oh, wow!

- I'm bad, right?

- Yeah, you can go shorter with the pants though.

- Oh, yeah, is that, that trending right now?

- Like you shouldn't be afraid to show a little sock

or a little ankle, it's time to crop those cuffs.

- Yeah, well, I can't cut them any longer.

So six months from now and that style's going out of style.

I'm stuck with what, short pants?

- Well, if this is for the wedding,

then you shouldn't really be concerned

about what happens after the wedding.

- Any other notes?

- Just that it looks amazing.

You'll definitely stand out which is probably inevitable

because the wedding is California casual.

I'm just saying, the invite says ties are optional,

which would make tuxes even optional blur.

- I always wanted a tux, I always imagined a tux.

- So did I, at least until I moved to LA.

Babe, it looks great, it really does, it's just...

I mean, can we really afford this right now?

Unless Ziegler gave you that raise

and you just haven't told me.

- Well, I had it tailored so I can't return it.

And you're fully fucking aware of that,

which means you're only saying this to make me feel bad.

- Do not take that tone with me.

- What? You took it, I'm just trying to get it back.

I'm just reacting to your insults.

- Carl, you're not a child.

You're responsible for your own emotions.

So if you're upset,

you need to use your words and not your anger.

You call yourself a writer,

but you can't even articulate your own feelings.

- What does that have to do with anything?

It's not even me.

- Hey, I love the tux.

You'll be my knight in shining silk armor.

- How you doing on your own armor, silk or otherwise?

- Oh, um, that dress isn't available,

so I have to start the search again, but I'll find one,

the perfect one.

- What?

What?

Get the fuck outta here!

- Bringing his hit one-man Broadway show

to Netflix in a six-part miniseries.

This epic workover visionism

chronicles the entire crucifixion

in real time with a real voice.

Andrew Garfield is "Christ on a Cross."

- Red Vine?

- Couldn't you at least try to enjoy it

or say something positive?

You're so cynical, you ruin everything.

- I don't see the big deal.

All I said is that Andrew Garfield

looks like a child playing dress-up.

Even in "Spider-Man," when he's supposed to be dressing up,

it feels like he's dressing up

as someone playing dress-up, you know.

It's like the kid on Halloween who's too old

to go trick or treating, but his parents are health nuts

and all that kid wants is that big Kit-Kat,

that king-size fucking Kit-Kat.

- But you said that during the movie,

during an emotional scene.

- Was it?

- You have no emotional intelligence.

- I just said what I was feeling,

isn't that the definition of emotional intelligence?

- No, it's not.

- How can I get invested in, in a scene,

when I can't get past Andrew Garfield

trying to act like an adult in order to appreciate

the part that he's actually trying to play?

- You're insane.

- No, I'm just not a fan.

- You're never a fan. You're negative all of the time.

You ruin everything for me.

I was actually looking forward to that movie.

- At least I'm only negative about things, other things.

All you do is criticize me.

And who fucking cares about movies or music

that we're not involved with,

that we don't have anything to do with?

I mean, if we're a team,

shouldn't we just align against the things that we dislike?

- Stop. - No, but isn't that

the great thing about being a couple?

Shouldn't it be us against the world

instead of us against each other?

- I said stop, literally, stop the fucking car!

Are you serious?

- Yes, I-I can't take-

- Monica. - Yes, now.

What? Where are you going?

Monica!

Hey, the multiverse is that way!

- I mean, I guess he was pretty good

in "Social Network,"

but that was a long time ago.

Okay, all right, get back to it, where was I?

It was an honor to be there when Brett and Katie first met,

I, I mean, matched.

Actually, I was also there when they really did meet

and I realized they were indeed the perfect match.

Cheesy, whatever.

But my greatest honor is to be here today,

chronicling what has led them to this beautiful moment.

Oh, thank God.

Guys being guys. Sorry about that.

It was just a question.

- No, it was an accusation. I can't believe this.

You just completely humiliated me in front of everyone.

- Jesus, I can't open my mouth

without you jumping down my throat.

- I was just trying to stop you from ruining your

self-proclaimed best friend's engagement party.

- My self, what? It wasn't even about them, it was about us

- And Brooklyn.

- No shit, he was the one you were flirting with.

- God, you are delusional.

- Okay, so what, he was flirting with you,

does that make it any better?

- No and it doesn't make the whole notion

any less crazy either.

I'm friends with Brooklyn

just like I'm friends with everyone.

- You're not that friendly with everyone.

- Well, what do you expect? We've been working together.

We've been emailing every day and it was your idea.

- Look, I know what I saw, okay,

you touched his arm, he touched your leg.

- When did you become so paranoid and possessive?

- You guys left the room at the same time.

- Fine.

Yes, okay, so fucking what? He touched my leg.

If people need affection, it's an innate natural desire.

So if they aren't getting it at home,

they might just welcome it elsewhere.

- Oh, oh, so what, this is my fault now?

- You aren't romantic.

Not anymore. I don't even know how you feel about me.

It's like we're roommates or we're brother and sister.

- Look, I proposed, didn't I? That's, that's romantic.

And you're getting everything, you're getting stability,

everything you ever wanted, so.

- I basically forced you to propose,

so that doesn't really count.

Plus you asked some random stranger to film it,

very romantic. - Holy shit!

We were on a hike, okay, two and a half hours in by foot.

What, do you want me to helicopter in a photographer?

- You don't get it, you have tried so hard to forget

that you've forgotten how to remember.

- What does that even mean?

What does that mean, what, I...

Here, I got it. - No.

- You know what your problem is?

You're only happy when you're sad.

- But I'm not happy,

and I don't think I can be, not with you.

- Lucky day.

- Oh, hey, he's hot, hello.

- Hey.

- You came.

- Before you get upset or, or, or more upset,

just remember that we were both-

- Who the hell is that, Carl?

- I tried texting, it didn't go through.

Although I know this place has WiFi,

so unless you blocked me.

- You have got to be kidding me.

- You blocked me?

- I didn't want to, but I read that it's important-

- No, this is not okay. What are you doing here?

- Look, I just wanted to come say hello

to avoid any weirdness at the wedding.

- The wedding, you can't be serious?

- We didn't think you'd come.

- But I was invited.

- You what? Oh! - Okay, one minute.

Let me talk to him.

- What's there to talk about?

He was invited, but he's no longer invited.

How does he not understand that?

- I don't know, but well,

nobody explicitly told him not to come.

- No, do not defend him.

Carl is not an idiot even if he acts like one sometimes.

He knows there's an unwritten rule in every social contract

that any other decent human being would abide by.

- But, but why me, why was I rejected?

I've been best friends with Brett for 15 years, okay.

I've known Katie for literally as long as he has.

I introduced you to them last year,

so tell me, how is that fair?

- And your solution to that is to crash their wedding?

- Yeah, how's that fair?

How's that fair to Brett and Katie?

- I'm not crashing, that's my entire point.

My name was on the invitation. I wasn't even a plus one.

If anyone's a plus one, come on, it's you, Monica.

- When was the last time you actually talked

to Brett or Katie?

Things change.

- Oh, but not for Carl.

He's been causing trouble since college.

You've got some fucking nerve, you know that?

- Yeah, yeah, you know what? You're right.

You're right, it took a lot of nerve to show up here.

Most people wouldn't have.

But I actually had the nerve to come here

to try and avoid causing a scene later.

- Well, that backfired, clearly.

- That's the Carl curse,

always goes in with the best intentions,

but always makes matters worse.

- Nobody wants you here.

- You never wanted me anywhere.

You've always had a problem with me

and I never understood why?

- Oh, I don't know,

maybe it's because you get Brooklyn into bar fights

or maybe it's 'cause you take him outta town for days,

or maybe it's because you nearly got him

kicked outta school.

- Oh, really, I did all that? Are are you sure?

- Or maybe it's because you talked him into experimenting

and gave him those hickeys.

- You what?

- Or maybe it's because you're a selfish stalker asshole.

I mean, how'd you even find us here, psycho?

- Oh, that was actually pretty easy

considering I'm the one who rented this place.

I guess Monica forgot to mention that.

Yeah, you see, I let you guys keep this place,

which means I rented another place,

which means I'm actually paying for both places.

Some call it the Carl Curse.

- No, no, you wouldn't.

Where's your car?

- I just walked.

- You psycho fucking stalker!

There were other places.

The only place available in all of-

- Whoa!

Get over here.

What the...

Can we just, I don't know,

chill with the homicidal hormones for a second?

We haven't even cracked the pet mat.

- What took you so long?

- Huh?

- What were you doing in there?

- In where, the bathroom? I was taking a soak.

Am I the only one who can't get a little self-care?

And I didn't wanna track water through the house,

which I'm sure someone's deposit can appreciate.

Look, let's just hit pause, go back to our separate corners.

Once we get a little self-care or self-medicate,

I'm sure we can straighten this whole thing out.

- Don't placate him.

He's a mental patient and shouldn't be placated.

He should be thrown out. - Dallas.

- I'm sorry, but we chose sides and we chose Monica.

- Sides, what the fuck? We're not at war, are we?

I mean, what, when the hell did this even happen?

- After you disappeared and Monica reached out.

You know what, it doesn't matter, we chose,

all of us.

- All right, that's enough. Come on.

- Come on, man.

We've been friends for how long?

I've known you almost as long as Dallas,

except for that one year you took your little break.

- Listen, listen, this fracturing of friendships,

it's fucked up, but it doesn't make it any less real.

There was a choice, man, but I didn't really get to choose.

You know what I mean?

- So what, I just get left with the short end of the stick?

Hell, I didn't even get a stick.

- You know, but we were pretty hard on him.

- People like him, you have to set boundaries.

- Shit.

Sorry about all the yelling.

My friends, you know.

If it even bothered you.

- My fucking toy, you little shit!

- So shut the fuck up and get the fucker done.

- Terri.

Hey, Terri.

- Really? You don't have anything better to do?

Are you just gonna sit there all day?

You're lucky, I should be calling the cops,

but I got better things to do.

Laugh it up, laugh it up.

- That's funny.

- Really?

You don't have anything better to do than follow me?

Fuck you!

Watching you.

- Whoa, whoa, man!

Whoa!

Take it easy.

This isn't some kind of ambush, okay.

I left Dallas and the knives

at La Casa de Adobe, baby, okay.

Come on, man. They might be against you, but I'm not.

I'm here to make peace.

- Yeah, come on in.

- First off, man, you are right.

This situation isn't fair. Everything is completely fucked.

Yeah, we felt blindsided by Monica,

and then blindsided by Brett, and even blindsided by Dallas.

- Forgetting someone?

- That's the thing, man, I'm on your side

just like I've always been, on your side.

And once everything settles down and blows the fuck over,

I will help you fix things.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.

- You really think we'll all be friends again after this?

- Fuck, yeah, man. Facts, it's just a matter of time.

- Hey, you, ah, you see an RV outside?

- Ah, I don't know, maybe.

- Any kids in it?

Anyway.

Yeah, nevermind.

You want a drink?

- Yeah, sure, what do you got?

So, you know, you can rest easy

knowing that you got me in your corner.

I'll be like a little devil up on their shoulder,

fucking, an angel.

Either way, I'll be telling them you are a good dude.

You're still a good dude.

Thanks, man,

that's all I really wanted to hear.

- Damn!

You rented a tux?

You know we're in J. Tree, right? Desert vibes.

Not to mention the whole upstaging the groom thing.

- It's not a rental.

- You bought a tux?

Not to say that you can't afford one,

but can you afford one?

- It was for our wedding.

- Oh.

- Seemed like kind of a waste

to just leave it in the closet, you know.

- Yeah.

Well.

Hey man, it's always good to have one

in case you need one.

And I'm sure one day, you're gonna need one.

- Yeah.

- Fuck, yeah, classic, a Carl Classic, my friend.

I haven't had a Peps in years, and I'm sure Red Catering,

we're only gonna be having organic wine

and fucking Aperol spritzers.

- Truly.

- Oh, Truly, fucking Truly.

Real men like us, we need a real beer

to take the edge off, you know.

Not to say they, men can drink Truly,

that's not what I'm saying.

I'll have a Truly once in a while, bowling, you know.

- Bachi.

- Shit, hey, listen, I gotta go.

Drive safe, man.

I'll text you in like a week

once we're back up to speed with the kids

and Dallas lets me out of the fucking house again.

We'll catch a game or grab a drink, all right.

- What are you talking about?

I'll see you in an hour.

- I thought we cleared things up.

- What, what does that mean?

- That you're gonna wait

for things to calm down,

that you won't crash the wedding.

- I think I'd regret that, you know,

I think everyone would regret that once things calm down.

Huh?

- Yeah.

- Are you

fucking kidding me?

Oh, Dallas is gonna go ape shit.

You are gonna ruin my fucking night.

- Why, why? It's not her wedding.

- Because I'm supposed to see taillights,

your fucking taillights.

And now Dallas is gonna be riding my ass

all fucking weekend.

And we never get a chance away from the kids.

Oh, my fucking God, we never do anything.

This was my one shot, my one opportunity

to let loose, to loosen the noose.

Are you seriously going to ruin that?

- Ruin it? Listen to yourself, man.

Just stand up to her, stand up for yourself.

Jesus Christ, she still thinks

I gave you that fucking hickey.

- You don't get it, you're not married, so you don't get it!

And what's fucked up

is that you're not even trying to get it, man.

They're right about you.

You're the one who has changed

and you've become a completely selfish fucking psycho,

to be honest.

- Hello.

- Hello, Carl, it's Suzanne Ziegler.

- Hello, Mrs. Ziegler. How are you?

- Fine, fine, but I heard

that you called in sick this morning.

- Yes, I did because-

- I have a note here telling me

that the last time you called in sick,

it was in fact your dog who was sick,

which would actually constitute a vacation day,

which does require two weeks notice.

Does that sound about right?

- I guess.

- So tell me, Carl, which one of you is sick this time,

you or your dog?

- My dog is dead.

- Oh my, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm also sorry to inform you

that you're out of sick days and vacation days.

- Really? Anna failed to mention that this morning.

But I guess, maybe I could still come in.

I guess it's getting a little late though,

so I don't know if-

- Well, I was just made aware of this

when I called into the office.

- Oh, where are you? Is everything okay?

- Everything's fine, Carl, I'm in Tulum.

- Tulum, weren't you just in Tulum, or was that Cabo or-

- Carl, this isn't about me, this is about you

and your recent decline in productivity.

- Yeah, listen, I did call in sick this morning,

but actually, ah,

my dryer broke and, and my clothes were wet

and nobody wants someone working

next to them with wet clothes.

So yes, I took a sick day.

But I've been working hard from home,

so I don't fall behind, you know, further behind.

- Carl, I have your active track in front of me right now.

- Active track?

- It's standard, state-compliant,

employee monitoring software, completely standard.

Many, many, many companies are using it right now.

- Wait, so you're just, you're watching us work

in real time all of the time?

- My point is, your daily input level is at a big fat zero

and your ID is idle.

I'm guessing you haven't even signed in today.

- Yeah, you know what, I, I gotta go, Ms. Ziegler.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah, look, I'm in Joshua Tree, okay,

but not on vacation, not, not really.

I'm here for a wedding that I'm going to,

that my ex-fiancee is also going to,

so it's a, it's a little, it's a little,

it's a crazy situation.

- Why in God's name would somebody invite you

and your ex to their wedding?

- Exactly, no.

Well, you see, when we were invited, we were still together.

But I guess there was some sort of unspoken understanding,

at least, it was unspoken to me

that I wouldn't attend anymore, even though I'm the one

who introduced Monica to every single person at the wedding,

including the bride and groom.

Can you believe that Mrs. Ziegler,

I mean, can you fucking believe that?

- No, Carl, I can't. You know what?

Don't worry about missing work today.

- Really?

- In fact, don't even bother coming in on Monday.

- Wait, are you firing me?

- No, no, of course not, I just need some time

to review our company's morality clause.

- So you're trying to fire me?

- Goodbye, Carl. - No, wait, Mrs. Ziegler,

this is, this is treason.

- Have fun at the wedding.

- A travesty that's bullshit! Hello?

- Did you even put alcohol in this?

Oh, I love it here though, for real.

- Fuck!

- Brett, you and I have known each other a long time, buddy.

And your beautiful wife, Katie.

Your beautiful mom, looking at you, Donna.

Sorry, Bill.

It's so nice to have you all here gathered,

celebrating

the happy couple.

Yeah, I'm not wearing this.

Congrats, you guys.

- Let's party!

- Shit!

Shit!

Where is he? - Huh? No.

What's in there? What'd you find?

- Jesus Christ, I just got in the fucking window. Chill out.

- Don't tell me to chill out.

Hurry up and quit fucking around.

- Did you tell me to hurry up?

You better not use the rest of our shit while I'm in here.

- Why the fuck not?

That's why you're in there, ain't it?

So shut the fuck up and get the fuck-

- Jackpot.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- Oh!

Fuck.

Is he fucking coming?

- What's taking so long?

- Are you fucking kidding me? I just got in here.

- Bullshit, it's been like an hour.

- I've been here for 30 fucking seconds.

- You're probably just taking all the good shit

and stashing it so you can go keep it for yourself,

you greedy motherfucker.

- I, I am not and I'm fucking not, okay.

Shit, we're taking just some stink ass clothes

and a fucking busted ass computer.

- Just remember that you got more mouths to feed

than your own, four fucking mouths

and your lazy ass hasn't worked all year.

- You ain't worked either. Hell, you ain't worked ever.

- Well, that's 'cause I gotta take care of your dirty ass

and your dirty ass kids!

- My dirty ass kids that you've been popping out

since you were 13 years old.

- Shit.

- What?

- Are you kidding me? Fuck you, Todd, fuck, fuck!

Fuck you, fuck you, motherfucker!

You are a sorry selling sunset son of a bitch,

you know that?

I'm the best man, I'm the,

oh, I'm the best man!

And you, you are the worst man, I'm the first man.

You are fucking full of shit, Todd, fuck you!

The speech fucking sucked and you're a fucking asshole!

That's what I wanted to say to him, really?

I still might. What do you think?

It's Carl, call me back.

Ah, ah!

Oh, shit!

Fuck you, man.

Ah.

At least, it didn't ruin everything.

Hey.

Hey! Hey, what the fuck?

Get back here!

Hey, you still want some beer?

Coming right up!

Just tap the keg.

Golden Delicious.

It's a Carl Classic.

Oh, what, you're not thirsty?

Not gonna ruin my night, no, no, no.

Not gonna ruin my night.

Ah!

Fuck you, Todd.

Fuck you.

- And who the fuck wears a tuxedo to Joshua Tree?

- Oh, my God, what the fuck?

- Hey.

Really?

Is everyone out here a fucking weirdo?

God, I hate the desert.

Hey.

Hey!

Fuck!

Fuck this.

- 911. What's your emergency?

- Hi, yeah, someone's out there chasing me.

- Okay, I'm here to help.

Are you currently in a safe place?

Are you able to explain what's happening?

- Yeah, I think so.

Listen, someone chased me back to my, my house,

my, my, my rental, I'm in a rental house in Joshua Tree.

- Okay, are you hurt?

Do you need medical attention?

- No, no, I, I, I don't think so.

- Were you physically assaulted?

- Not yet.

They're they're still outside, they're right outside.

- Have they tried to break inside?

- No, but they did earlier, they did earlier

and it's probably the same people, don't you think?

- Did you call 911 to report the break-in?

- No, I didn't, I chased after them and then,

then I had to be somewhere else, so I just-

- So you were chasing them?

- Yes, but this is totally different. Someone-

- Sir, have you had any alcohol

or recreational drugs tonight?

- Listen, lady, I'm serious, okay.

Someone is chasing after me

and they have some sort of weapon, okay,

like a fucking ax or something.

- I'm sending a unit to your location.

- Okay, that's great, thank you.

How soon do you think they'll get here?

- As soon as they can.

- Five, 10 minutes? - In the meantime,

I want you to lock all the doors and windows.

- So what, they just get here when they get here?

- Sir, as you're probably aware,

Joshua Tree has become a very popular tourist destination.

Now, I've notified the closest unit,

but right now, they're engaged on another call.

- Look, there's someone trying to murder me,

that fucking caller with an ax!

- A unit will be with you as soon as possible.

- No, no, no, no, wait!

What do you want?

What?

Shit.

- Hi, this is Monica.

- Hey, kids.

Kid, you gotta get outta here, man.

Fuck!

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Uh!

- Dude, dude, this is so not cool.

- Brooklyn, please just open the door.

- After what just happened, are you for real?

- Stop, there isn't time, all right, someone is coming.

- Then go home and text!

- Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

Okay, look, look, look, I know how this is gonna sound,

I know what you're thinking,

but someone out there is trying to kill me

and they're coming here right now.

- That's not funny.

- Yeah, man, this is seriously the worst way

to invite yourself to a party

where you are clearly not welcome.

- I'm not trying to cra, I-I'm not trying to interrupt,

I'm not trying to ruin your party.

I don't give a fuck about your party, all right.

You're not listening to me, I'm just trying to,

I'm trying to warn you.

- Carl, are you okay?

- Yeah, no, no, I'm not, no,

none of us are okay right now.

- But are you hurt?

- What?

- Did you harm yourself?

- No, no, no, no, this isn't my blood, okay, it's okay.

No, it's not what you think, all right.

There were, there were three people outside

and I-I found them on my way over, they're all fucking dead.

All right, they're dead and look, someone is coming.

We need to get the fuck outta here!

- Crazy fucker.

- Is he crazy?

- It's always the boyfriend.

- Ugh, can you believe this guy?

First, he ruins my best man's speech.

Now he's ruining our whole after party.

Seriously, who the fuck is this guy?

- He's the ex best man. - The ex man?

- Are you on shrooms right now?

- Huh? - I'm just saying,

we used to do that shit out here, we'd take some shrooms-

- I'm not tripping. - I'm just saying,

that's why we always did it during the day.

- I'm not fucking tripping, okay.

Why aren't you listening to me, man?

Look, tomorrow, you can all laugh at me,

you can chastise me,

you never have to fucking speak to me again.

But right now, you need to listen to me, all right?

Your lives depend on it!

- No.

You need to do something.

Leave, you need to leave.

- No, please.

- Yeah, man, it's time to go.

- We can pretend none of this ever happened,

not even what happened at the wedding.

- No. - If you just leave now.

- Monica, look, I-I swear to God, okay, look,

this, this guy, he followed me home with an ax

and he killed these two people.

- Killed, killed who? - Killed two kids

that followed me home in their car.

And, and this guy who broke into my house,

I called the cops, I called them, right,

but I don't know if they're coming and I haven't-

- Stop!

It's too far, Carl, this time, you've gone too far.

Look, I know that you're upset,

and I know you want to be included, but you have to let go.

Let me go,

let my friends go.

- But they're my friends.

- You think that by causing another scene

and being the center of attention,

that we'll all remain in your orbit,

like planets around the sun.

But all you're really doing is burning us.

- Yeah, just like how he stole my speech. What an asshole!

Who is this guy?

- Wow, all this talk about empathy

or considering or holding each other's feelings,

when in reality, all you do

is impose your will on everyone else,

because you're the self-centered ones.

Like Brooklyn, always overcompensating for his white guilt

with his spontaneous street reparations.

And you, Dallas, talking about self-care,

so you can justify your selfies from the Beverly Hills Spa.

You think you're all so sensitive and inclusive,

but all you really care about is yourselves,

yourselves and your fucking hats.

Meanwhile, what, I-I'm just supposed to take a hint

that-that I'm not wanted anymore?

I'm supposed to see pictures of all of you hanging out

and having fun and drinking,

and just decipher that I'm no longer invited?

I'm supposed to just what, politely fade away?

All because no one cares enough about me

to shoot me straight, no one gives a fuck about my feelings.

No, no, no, that-that confrontation would've been

way too painful and uncomfortable for you and you.

Well, I can't do it, okay,

I can't keep it all bottled up inside anymore.

And I-I'm sorry if I come off

as too aggressive or dysregulated.

I'm just, I'm doing the best I can, all right.

I'm just speaking my truth, that's the point.

That's the whole point, isn't it?

That's-that's the core of your social crusade, isn't it?

Isn't it?

- Holy shit! How many speeches has this guy got?

No, I'm sorry, how many bad speeches does this guy got?

- Carl, did you lose your job?

- How, why would you ask me that?

- Because you would lose your insurance.

- Oh, God, you think everything

is about fucking medication, Monica.

- No, I think that not taking

a very important prescribed medication

can lead to serious problems.

- Yeah, big fucking problems, big problems like this one.

And this wouldn't be the first time you're imagining things,

right, bud?

I mean, it's kind of the reason why we had to cut ties,

especially after you went fucking nuclear

at the engagement party.

Look, I'm sorry that we had to let you fall,

but sometimes, people have to hit rock bottom

and that's how they wake up.

Yeah, we did it because we care, man.

- That's good.

That's, God, Brooklyn, that's really fucking good.

That was great, man.

It's just, it's kind of ironic

that the two people accusing me of hallucinating

are the same two people

that I accused at Brett and Katie's engagement party.

- Oh, my God. - And the best part,

the best part, I was right.

No, it's true, I was right.

I was right all along,

which means you two were gaslighting me all along.

It's too good.

I fucking caught you!

Tonight.

- You're fucking crazy, man.

- Oh, wow, wow, if I'm crazy,

then just stay with me for a second

and see if you can decipher this

with your magna summa cum laude, bullshit,

fucking education, all right.

If a train leaves Dallas at 9:40 p.m.,

going 65 miles an hour,

and another train heads to Brooklyn at 45 miles an hour,

how long would it take for Monica and Brooklyn

to start tongue kissing in the fucking guest bed?

We'll see if your scientific calculator

can figure that one out.

Or you could just stand outside the window

like I did an hour ago.

- Why, fuck you! - No, no, no, no!

- No, no, no, Dallas!

- Fuck this! - He's lying!

- I don't give a pterodactyl's tittie-

- Shut the fuck up, Todd.

- No, you shut up, it's not your time, it's Todd time now.

- All right, sorry. Go ahead, finish your speech.

- I can't finish my speech, it's the end of my speech.

There's gonna be music and dancing,

and I don't see any dancing.

- Your speech doesn't matter because it

was never meant to exist,

'cause I was the best man before Monica and I broke up,

which means it was my speech to give.

So I fucking gave it.

- What you gave was everybody the creeps.

- Well, let me put it this way, does the devil like cookies?

- I don't know.

- Well, ask him when you see him.

Uh!

- Hey, whoa!

Uh! Fuck you, Todd!

- I love you.

Fucker, get off me!

- I couldn't do this without you.

- That's not a fucking answer.

- Calm down!

Listen, that's probably the police, right.

Just give me a fucking second.

- But you just called them.

- Wait, just calm down, I'll be right back.

Just wait a second.

Uh!

My God!

- Brooklyn.

Babe, Brooklyn.

- Brooklyn!

- Help me.

- Todd's coming.

- Monica!

Stay there, keep trying the police. I'll protect you.

Hold on, let me just check.

Dallas, Dallas, it's me.

Monica, I'm gonna get you out of here.

I'll make up for everything, okay.

All my mistakes.

I'll protect you.

I love you.

Stay right here.

Dallas.

Oh, my God!

Fuck.

Monica.

- I am

so tired.

Exhausted.

- Katie.

- Yes.

- We have to stop by.

- I know, I just wish we'd done this earlier.

- What did you want me to do?

They paid for the wedding, okay.

I couldn't just push them off into bed

and turn off the lights.

- I know, but Quidla on our wedding night,

you have to learn to deal with them.

- They are literally your parents!

- Don't yell at me! - Okay, okay.

Look, I'll make this quick, one drink.

"Thanks for coming by.

See you at the breakfast buffet."

What's so funny?

- Because you don't need another drink.

- Jesus Christ, Katie, what is your deal?

- What is your deal? Don't yell at me.

Oh, my God.

- Fuck!

What is this? It's not the house, is it?

- Your fricking college friends.

- Goddammit! - Are you serious?

How stupid can they be? - Call somebody.

- No, you call Brooklyn.

I'm not calling him, he's your friend.

- We're talking.

- No, no, no, we should just go.

Just leave them, leave them.

This is our bloody wedding night.

- I can't use this fucking phone. Gimme your phone.

- No, you, oh, my God, useless, absolutely.

Here we go, there you go.

Call, your problem now.

- Jesus Christ.

- I can't stand any of this anymore.

- Wait, why is this not-

- Why did we even get married in the desert?

I don't even know what we're doing here.

- What the fuck's wrong with your phone?

- Anyway, I was here knocking on the door

and this guy opens the door

and this other guy just stabbed him!

- I'm sorry, this other guy, the assailant,

where did he come from?

- What do you mean? He was already in there

and like nothing like that ever happened before.

- And that was your boyfriend?

- No, no, he's my ex.

- Ex. - He crashed the wedding

earlier and then he came here

because he said someone was after him

or after us.

It sounded crazy, but we didn't know, so we were arguing.

- Okay, so then when did you call 911?

- It was right after,

no, no, it was before he attacked Brooklyn.

And then everything just happened so fast,

he started attacking everyone.

He was killing them.

- Okay. Are you sure he was alone?

I mean, this is important because if he wasn't,

then we should be out looking for someone else.

- I...

- So you're saying he lied,

he lied about someone after him?

- It was just him.

- Your ex?

- Carl.

- Carl.

- Carl, Dr. Herman.

I just listened to your latest,

um, message.

Look, I know I instructed you

to reschedule through my office,

but I'd like to see you as soon as possible.

This sounds like a prime opportunity for us

to go deeper into our work.

In fact, your sudden change in character brought about

by this rush of forces and emotions is quite astounding.

But remember that anger, hm,

can be a manifestation, a powerful manifestation

of the shadow, right, we have met the enemy, he is us.

Potential for eruption is always imminent,

imminent, Carl, being the key word.

- And it's up to us to keep it that way,

so please call me back directly.

If I don't call you back,

call emergency services or a crisis center, okay, Carl.