Original subtitles

It was a day like no other.

It was a day I had always dreamed of.

A day I would never forget.

Will you marry this woman and take her to your heart forever devoted and

young? I will.

And will you marry this man and take him to your heart Forever devoted and

forever young?

I will.

Would you now place the ring on her finger?

I now declare... What a shame we had

uninvited guests.

Jack politely asked them to leave.

Keep still, bastard!

like a gentleman.

Jack!

Jack!

My

one

true love had fought bravely, but it wasn't it.

room for one more.

It was either my love or myself.

You take it, my love. Never.

Those maggots will not have you. They will not have me for long.

I have consumption and will be dead before the year is out.

You were going to marry me with consumption?

Why don't you tell me?

I didn't want to spoil things.

Go. No.

Live to fight another day.

Whatever makes you happy.

With Jack, my happiness always came first.

I faced my fate alone.

The 10 turned to 20. The 20 to 40. Could this be the end of my freedom? My

salvation? My... Hey!

Gotcha!

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

the end of my freedom, my salvation, my career.

Gorgeous day, huh, gorgeous?

We got blue skies, nice warm water, and a cold beer.

Honey, you got any more buds?

No, I just didn't have time today to ravage the Riviera for your beer.

Tough day, huh?

Yeah, you could say it was tough.

But then when the going gets tough, the tough...

I don't know what the tough do.

I don't know what the pirates do. I don't know what anybody does.

Oh, I know, baby. I know.

Hey, I know.

But look out there.

What do you see?

Bloomingdales? No.

Greece.

Greece? Yeah.

Mykonos, Lesbos Creek, Ouzu, olive oil. Honey, we're going. Wait a minute.

I thought you said that we were going to go back to New York for a while.

Absolutely. When the summer's over, we're going.

Jack, we've been on this boat half a year now.

I need shore leave.

I promised Gloria that I would finish that book three months ago, and I can't.

don't know what happens next.

I thought you said you want to sail around the world with me.

I do, but not all of it this week.

Jack, this is just becoming a blur.

Exotic ports and great parties and spectacular sunsets.

It's not enough.

It's not enough.

I mean, you sound like somebody who's got what they wanted, and now they don't

want what they got.

Well, I want to do something serious. Oh, Jack, how much romance can one woman

take? Joan Wilder?

From your most devoted fan.

This afternoon we shall meet awaiting the moment.

What's this afternoon?

Well, it must be somebody coming to the reception.

That's not till next Tuesday.

This is next Tuesday, Jack.

I thought you said you were going to get a call. Honey, if I knew it was

Tuesday, I would have been here. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

So what do you say we spin that roulette wheel a few times and we're down there,

huh? Sounds great.

Mr. Colton. Mr. Colton. What do you do, Mr. Colton?

Casino work.

Casino work?

Yes. You've got to go downstairs and punch in... Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm coming back. I'm coming back.

I'm coming back. I'm coming back.

I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming

back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm

coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back.

I'm coming back.

I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back.

I'm coming back. I'm coming back.

I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back.

I'm coming back.

I'm coming back.

I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back.

I'm coming back.

I'm coming back.

I'm coming Jack is not the marrying kind.

Now, I am worried about you. Look, you're the girl who never gets a book

late to the library.

You are three months past your deadline. Now, what gives with you?

My heart just isn't in it.

I mean, romance just doesn't seem real to me anymore.

Real? You don't write real. You write about people that sail off into the

goddamn sunset.

Well, what about the next day when the sun comes up? There is no next day.

That's why it's a romance.

You've got to stop confusing real life with a romantic novel.

Joanie, just finish it.

I can't.

I mean, I have the 17 books. I don't know how it ends anymore.

Then permit me to tell you.

It doesn't end.

It only begins anew when you journey down the Nile with me.

Have you got the right woman?

No.

My name is Omar Khalifa, and I've traveled 1 ,000 miles to tell you I need

You sent me the flowers.

They pale by your beauty.

Oh, Mary.

I read about you.

Yes, I know.

Time magazine.

Well, I'm afraid the Western press cannot understand the spirit of my

You are a writer. You can understand.

So, Joan Wilder, you must come and write my story.

I only write romance novels.

Yes, and you haven't finished the one you're working on right now.

You are a gifted storyteller. You create heroes in a world of cynics.

Journey down the Nile with me, and I'll give you a chance to record history.

Come, we must leave today.

Journey! In just four nights, I will become emperor, and you will have the

exclusive story.

They have emperors on the Nile?

They do now.

So now what are we celebrating?

The Nile. Oh, the Nile.

Well, we've been invited to Africa.

Jack Colton, Omar Khalifa.

How do you do?

He's asked me, me, to write a story.

It's just what I've always wanted to do.

And now Joan's work will receive the serious attention that it deserves.

And this will be her biggest accomplishment.

My biography.

What's so important, darling, that you have to write the book now?

Mr. Khalifa has... Omar, please.

Omar has been chosen to unite the tribes of the Nile and to end the internal

strife that has bloodied his land.

He will carry on the work of the great redeemer who has disappeared.

You have listened very well.

You got all that in 20 minutes?

As a friend of Miss Wilder's, you are very welcome to be my guest also.

Thank you. My pleasure.

Could I talk to you for a minute, please?

I thought you wanted to go to New York.

That's all changed. That's fascinating.

Jack, to write a biography, I mean, something important, something real,

what I've been looking for. You don't think it's a little bit over your head,

John?

I think it's a great chance.

So you got your heart set on it, huh?

Mine's set on Greece.

So when are you going to leave?

Tonight.

He has a private jet. Oh, he's got a private jet.

Now, what the hell? We had a good run, didn't we?

Oh, Jack, come on.

This is just five or four weeks of research.

Maybe you're right. Maybe we need a break.

It's been kind of tough lately.

Yeah. When the going gets tough, the tough go to Greece.

Well, all right, you.

Well, I think I'll go down and give that roulette wheel one more chance.

You take care of yourself.

Can you stay out of trouble?

Look out for it, will you?

I can offer you this comfort. She leaves you for a higher purpose.

And my destiny is towards Martin.

You see?

Well, sweetheart, I guess it's just you and me.

God damn it, she has the best time I ever had.

Don't cry, scumbag.

I'll keep you company.

Carthaginia, Colombia.

Long time no... Go ahead.

Give me a reason.

Make my year.

Hey, go easy with the guy, buddy.

You missed me, huh? I missed you.

You're all I thought about for six months.

They threw me in a jail.

filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward.

Every wacko, drippy, open sword, low life was in that joint. All of them

to hire on as my proctologist.

And rats.

Rats. I'm full of rat bites.

Ten weeks of rabies shots this long, and all I thought of was you, Colton. Just

you. Well, I'm sorry, pal, and I'm sorry you had such a tough time.

How about 100 bucks?

100 bucks? I'll give you a one -way ticket to heartland.

No more jokes.

What'd you do with it? What are you talking about?

The stone, moron. I'm cocky. All right, now, listen, listen, listen. Let's talk

about this like gentlemen, all right? Gentlemen, did I tell you I got malaria

the jail, huh? Every time I shake, I shake like this. You know what happens

shake my trigger finger? And I feel an attack coming on right now. And you know

what happens if that happens?

You know what happens? It's the end of Mr. Lucky. That's the end of...

Come with me now. What the hell are you?

Omar steal our jewel.

Jewel?

You were invited with the woman. You can get into Omar's palace.

My people cannot.

What people? What the hell are you talking about? I don't even know the

are. You must come to help me find the jewel. What jewel?

The jewel of the Nile. Our most priceless jewel.

Oh, that jewel.

Omar has stolen my people's jewel.

Omar is a very bad man.

Oh, that scum. I spit on him.

Jack, buddy.

Let's help this nice man get his jewel back.

Yes, yes.

Look, I don't know where you're from and what you're on, but I'm sailing my boat

tonight. No, you must come to help find the jewel now before Omar kills many

people. As long as Omar has the jewel, nothing can stop him. Look, I'm going on

the boat.

You guys can do what you want.

you? The Prince of Darkness?

Don't you got any friends?

This is the work of Omar.

Omar blew up my boat, huh?

Your woman is in danger, too.

I will take you to him.

I'm coming, too. The hell you are.

Look, you owe me, Colton.

So wherever you're going, I'm going.

Where we going?

Do you recognize my home?

I wrote this.

Yes. It's the return of the king.

I had the same uniform design.

Hello.

Hi.

Is all this yours?

Well, it belongs to... the country, to my people.

Why

point

out the negative?

In three nights in the city of Qadir, the moon will be full and all my people

will unite behind me in peace and none of this will be necessary.

Now let me show you my humble house.

Thank you.

My people love me. Yes, I seem very enthusiastic.

Oh, this is a good shot for you. The little boy holding up my picture.

Oh, yeah, that's wonderful.

We are a poor people.

Everything you need, they will bring to you.

Oh, thank you. In my country, only strangers say thank you.

Family and friends have no need.

What was that?

Cats. Come.

Oh.

I have a cat.

This is satisfactory.

Oh.

Oh, yes, this is okay.

Fine.

Here you will write your masterpiece.

Ah, I have a few questions. I see the writer is already at work.

Good.

Explore your new world.

Feel free to go anywhere and see anything.

Talk to anyone.

I'm glad you're here, Joan.

Together we'll make history.

Why do these third -world cesspools always gotta be so hot, will you tell me

that?

Hey!

Where the hell are you going?

Holy shit!

Looks like we've hitched our wagon to a star.

Al -Juhara?

Do you speak English?

Give back the jewel?

Hey!

You can't do that!

I'm a professional!

We'll see about that.

If you don't tell me what the hell is going on here, I am going to be on the

first plane back to New York. It's impossible.

Tomorrow we journey to Qadir. You must be there.

It will be your most important chapter.

I can't write this book if you keep secrets from me. What secrets?

Al -Jahara, what is the jewel?

The jewel is a legend.

I am real.

Do not be distracted from your mission, Joan Wilder.

Make yourself comfortable.

You stay with me until our book is done.

You can't keep me here.

Go. You are free to leave.

Only the worst kind of fool would attempt our desert alone.

I gotta get off this camel.

There's a brick on my ass.

Call me.

Thank you, Kemp.

Kemp, come on. Oh, shit.

Kemp's coming up. Oh, the left one.

You got a toilet?

So how big is this jewel?

Plus, you're dying.

What are you talking about?

Don't play stupid with me, partner.

The jewel.

And don't you even think of messing with me.

Oh, what's that? I hear a heart breaking.

You sap.

Better keep your mind on business, Romeo.

You wind up getting yourself killed over some broad who dumped you.

Careful. I mean careful. See that word fragile on the side?

I might love your country, I might love your culture, I might even love your

people, that means I love you.

But you drop another one of my boxes and I'll smash your bloody face in.

You tell Omar, right, Omar, that his special effects wizard has a...

Oh, my God, what is he up to?

Wait till Time magazine sees this.

Look, this is not a cheap theatrical stunt.

It's a miracle.

My people have to believe it. Omar, trust me. Trust what I've got to say.

if I could make gods out of rock and roll stars, imagine what I could do for

you. For your information, I am not a rock and roll star.

The people must believe I have the same powers as the jewel.

Come, I want to see him now.

If it weren't for the jewel, I'd have led my people to power long ago.

It represents the spiritual world of my people.

Unless I can convince them that I am their spiritual leader, they will never

follow me into battle.

That is why you are here.

Tell me how it's done, magician.

It's not magic trick. It's miracle.

I am losing patience with you.

But you cannot kill me.

Even you are superstitious.

Al -Jauhara lives.

Two nights from now, it will not matter.

Yalla!

A woman?

Most unexpected.

I gotta get out of here. I gotta stop Omar.

Did you bring an army?

What? No, I'm just Joan Wilder. Just Joan Wilder? I'm Al -Juhara.

Al -Juhara?

The jewel of the Nile.

I don't understand.

You're the jewel?

For the moment, in two nights at the holy city of Qadir...

Omar will proclaim himself emperor.

Without me to oppose him, he'll march across North Africa like a madman.

But the world will see me as the savior of my people.

No, it won't. The world won't believe you.

I've been in your office and I've seen your vision.

I'm going to write the truth about you. The truth?

If I wanted the truth, I would have hired 60 minutes.

What do you know about truth?

You fantasize everything.

Why do you think I brought you here? You stay here and you write what I tell you

to write.

You think no one knows I'm here?

Oh, yes, Jack. I forgot to tell you.

Jack is dead.

Don't be ridiculous.

Jack would never die without telling me.

Nevertheless, he's dead.

You look pale, Miss Wilder.

I'll send you my personal physician.

This Jack, he is friend for you?

Yes.

He is my best friend.

I don't see shit.

We must stop here.

It is dangerous for Sufis to enter Omar's city.

Well, now, wait a minute. This guy's already tried to kill me once.

It's good.

You are guest of Omar.

Find for us the jewel.

Accept your destiny.

Destiny, my ass.

I'm hooked up with a bunch of juju deeds. You see what happens?

Just take your lead from me and we'll be fine.

What are we going to do? Walk right through the center of town?

I'm going to put you up a camel's ass for openings.

I think I might like it.

Matt,

what are you doing?

In one of my books, Angelina's Savage Secret, she used her nail file to cut

mortar away from the window bars.

How long did this take?

Two pages.

But it's not the bars that make the prison.

It is the desert.

So I travel at night.

I don't care.

I have to stop Omar.

I've got to get out of here. If I'm going to write the truth about him, I

to get to Qadir.

Wait a minute.

You're the one that has to get to Qadir.

You're the only one that can stop Omar. You have to go with me.

Maybe you are the one.

I accept.

We are sworn, just John.

Right. But it's just John. Right, just John.

Right. We just have to get out this window.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Magic.

Dry rot.

You know, I bet you could pick up a swell three -bedroom townhouse here for

about five or six dollars.

Hi, guys.

My name is Colton. I've been invited by your Omar.

I'm here to see Joan Wilder.

Hey,

Rashid, how are you? Good to see you again.

Joan Wilder does not want to see you.

Well, now, Rashid, I don't think he understands.

We're here on official business.

Now, this is Mr.

Fatush from the U .S. Embassy, and he's got something very important to talk to

all you guys about.

Look, we don't want to create an international incident here. I mean,

she is an American citizen.

If you'll just let us see her, no paperwork, mum's the word.

Everything will be... Look, boom.

Guys, no sweat, okay? We'll catch you next time we're in town.

Get easy.

You know what they say, once they've had a holy man, they never go back.

Quickly, just jump! Are you sure you know where you're going?

Those guys can go for hours without coming up for air. Ease up, will you?

All right. There's got to be another way in here someplace.

I can't wait for another smooth move from Dr.

Doom. How about you and me at the back door in pussycat suits? When they come

with the saucer of milk... How about you take it in the ear, okay?

Ooh, very... Hey, look, pal. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be on to

okay? Subsequently, I should shoot you the first chance I get. No!

I feel like I'm back in eighth grade here. What is this, the young and the

stupid?

What the hell is he doing here? Hey, don't get cagey with me, sweetheart.

I'm on to it. I know how you two operate.

I'll get in there with or without you dinks.

I am guide. I can help you.

Jolson's buried.

Go!

You are his friend. No, no, no, friend.

Stop saying that.

Friends don't stab each other in the back.

Hey, come on, look. Look, we'll team up.

We'll find him, we'll get him good.

He knows that I will not be denied.

Colton's future is bleak.

Very bleak.

Any idea where we are?

Well, the best I can figure out is if we head due east, we should make it to the

border.

the way to Qadir? La, Qadir is in the west, over that mountain.

Well, the best of luck to you, pal.

Joe, come on, let's get going.

Jack, we have to take him to Qadir.

What are you talking about? We got him out like you said. The guy's gonna be

fine now. Come on. We swore an oath, just Joe and I. We go to Qadir.

What is it with you?

Jeez.

I mean, everything's always...

Stand for just John.

Remember the Costa del Sol, Jack?

Oh, come on.

He's got to meet me at the governor's for a formal dinner.

And you show up with the entire, entire national basketball team.

Hey, they were hungry.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. I just wish sometimes you could think

about me.

Oh, and I suppose you were thinking all about me when you took off with Omar,

huh? Did I tell you he blew up my boat? Our boat? Oh, now it's our boat. It's

good. Good debate.

It's equal no winners.

Just, John, we must hurry. Come on. Oh, no, no, wait. What do you mean? He blew

up our boat. Just tell me one thing. Why are you risking your life for this guy?

I made a commitment.

I can't break it.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

But I'm going to tell you the truth. You know, I didn't come here for you

anyway.

I'm on to something big.

A jewel.

The jewel of the night.

Come with us.

I am Johanna.

That means Joe.

Thanks, Joe, but no thanks.

I wouldn't want her to break her commitment.

Oh, Jack.

Come on.

for the Angeline.

I still owe you for Joe.

Why you didn't want to tell your friend about me?

Oh, I know him.

He'd go halfway around the world for a great party, but he wouldn't go across

town for a noble cause.

People can surprise you. No, he's just jackal of a change.

Like a... Like a stone.

It's always a stone.

Open your hand.

Change is not always visible.

All right!

Let's show some hustle!

Are we jogging? We are jogging.

Grace is looking better and better.

You just tell me why the hell this guy wants you so bad?

Hey, Joe, where are you going?

Uh, this way.

You gotta be kidding.

He probably knows the mountains better than you, Jack. Joe, will you give me a

break, will you?

America, democracy.

We vote, huh?

Black gave her democracy.

Do not worry. I'm sure it's not my destiny to die on this mountain.

What about that?

That's another ball game.

Rashid!

What'd you do for this guy, Omar, you never did for me?

Bloody bitch.

Look out!

Nubians.

I was hoping to avoid them.

a long trip over high mountains, and he wishes us a very pleasant journey.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

See you next time, all right? Bye.

Come on, Jack.

Ah, Mr. Jack, that's John, the chief's son. He wishes to make a blessing for

your marriage and your children.

Very nice, but the lady is, uh, she's with me.

He says that because there is more than one

shooter, that you must wrestle his son.

Okay.

This is the marriage dance.

In this bride, the women, they choose the men, and then, according to the

custom, they will be together for the rest of their lives.

They get all that from one dance? Uh -huh.

I think it's beautiful.

Right. If you want to be one of us, take off your shoes and socks.

If you want to be one of us, you must see with the eyes of your heart, not

the eyes of your head.

Gotcha. Here.

Your heart will never give you fear or pain if you know our way.

Ralph.

No thanks, pal. Keep your friggin' jewel.

No! Are you afraid?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Well, I just had my feet resold.

What is the worst that can happen to you? I could wind up a chicken McNugget.

What is the best that could happen to you? I could get through this and find a

jewel.

It's your choice.

Look down.

They make you foolish.

Go to her, Jack.

Well, I'm sorry I got people shooting at you again, Jack. You're cheating.

We're the perfect couple. We got people shooting at us.

Just the slow time's not too good, Anna.

I guess I just expect too much.

Yeah, we both expect too much.

Oh, boy.

Thank you for coming to Cadea with me.

This valley is gift of denial

I've

been away from here too long Yeah,

I'm getting to like this guy Joey's growing on what do you say we cut him in

this jewelry refiner Jack We have the jewel

You talking about? Where?

Well, there.

What, Joe's got the jewel?

No.

Joe is the jewel.

Joe is the jewel of the Nile?

He's a holy man. That's his religious title.

Joe's the jewel.

Why didn't you tell me the truth? Why'd you keep it from me?

Because I thought if you knew, you wouldn't come with us. Maybe I would

surprised you.

I think I've come through once or twice, if I remember right.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

You come through all the time.

They thought we had a chance.

Ah!

Look just, John, the train to Qadir. Come on, Jack.

Inshallah, we'll be there tonight.

What a lot of people.

Yes, those are pilgrims. They're going to see the false redeemer. Omar again,

huh? Well...

We'll see about that.

Do you know this?

This? Yes.

Walk slowly, slowly.

Walk slowly.

We'll see you next time.

Let's go. Come on.

Let's turn your grip.

Welcome, welcome.

I don't usually travel by train, but I had a small accident with my helicopter.

Once we get inside, we must find the entrance to the catacombs.

I'll buy it. I'll buy it. Get out of here, will ya?

And I'm going to give you a chance to be together to the very end.

Well, not exactly. One will watch, the other dies.

But which one?

Rashid?

Is that the goat's blood?

Yes. Very popular with the inhabitants of these catacombs.

Yes, and they will eat until they get the very last drop.

But don't worry, Mr. Colton. You won't be alone.

Rashid is now placing acid that will eat through Miss Wilder's throat.

What kind of sick pervert would go to this trouble?

Why did you shoot us?

Jack, what kind of demented psychopath would even think of this?

The Savage Secret.

What?

It was my biggest seller.

Oh.

Think about this pit as your last adventure, Joan Wilder.

My people, await me.

Rashid!

I'm used to working with professional people. You tell his highness, the show

starts with him or without him.

Goddamn beanie convention.

I wind up going home with a rug.

The entrance.

Build it, build it softly, build it, and give me some smoke.

That's good. That's good. That's very good. Now, bring it up. Bring it up

slowly.

We go this way.

Looks good, amigo.

You go from this way, and I go this way. All right.

Fruit loop.

So how'd they get out?

What? The savage secret, how'd they get out?

Oh.

Um, Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot.

You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would you?

I'm not even wearing underwear.

Great.

We were good together, weren't we, Joan Wilder?

The best.

And we're gonna make it.

Yeah.

Oh, God, I love you, lady.

I love you, Jack.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Because I don't want you leaving me again.

You're not just saying that because this is it, are you?

I say that because I'm not afraid to say it anymore.

So where do you want to go on our honeymoon?

Do not be afraid.

Remember the Sufi way. See with your heart.

My heart sees rats, Pop.

Don't let this guard fool you. Come on, Colton. Where's the jewel?

Ralph, I am the jewel.

The jewel of the Nile.

Yeah, and I'm a kumquat from Queens. Pipe down, towelhead. Come on, Ralph.

Take the ladder and put it over the well. Please, please don't let us die.

That's a good idea, Legs.

I ain't gonna let you die, but I ain't moving no damn ladder until you two come

across with the rocks.

Jack!

Make it more like 90 -10, huh, Kumquat?

Did you get the ladder all right, buddy?

Jack, help me unlock the jewel. The jewel?

We've still got time to stop Omar. Let's go.

Ron, this is not the Sufi way.

I don't know what got into me, Jules. Every time I'm around this guy, he makes

me crazy.

Come on, cut me down, Jules. Come on, come on.

How you doing?

Let's talk this over before you butcher me alive.

What are you getting so steamed about?

I am dead, Miss Wilder.

All that will be written for Omar is an epitaph.

But I will not be alone.

Who is going to save you now?

He got your story.

I got a lot more than that.

You are married.

Always a bridesmaid, never the bride.

As usual, it's zilch for poor Ralphie.

You are Sufi.

Keep it always.

Ah, guys.

Sufis rule.