Original subtitles

Grr!

Breaking news! Villainy, like my blood pressure, is on the rise!

Criminals are scamming our most simple‐minded citizens.

Hey! No, he's right.

Blatantly disrespecting posted traffic signage.

And stealing candy from even the ugliest of babies!

Well, I never!

Oh, and Sonic and Eggman are in the midst of an epic battle

with our very way of life hanging in the balance,

yadda yadda yadda.

Swarm, my minions! Destroy all the Fuzzy Puppy figurines!

Why are you doing this?

I thought you loved Fuzzy Puppies.

That's what makes this bittersweet.

The Fuzzy Puppy bubble burst.

All my adorable figurines have plummeted in value!

But if I destroy the remaining unsold stock,

it'll artificially increase the worth of my collection.

Your economics are sound, but your methods aren't.

We're about to give you your maximum sustainable yield

of pain!

Gentlemen, those evildoers are driving the city to bankruptcy!

We didn't rig that election just to stand by and do nothing!

And so, effective immediately,

all evildoers must obtain a permit

if they wish to continue performing

‐ their nefarious deeds. ‐ Boo!

Now, now, now, calm down.

All you need to do is pay a fee

and take an evil‐competency test.

(Mutter in approval)

You have 60 minutes to complete the exam.

Make sure to fill the bubbles with a number 2 pencil. Begin.

A pencil? Nobody said anything about pencils!

‐ Uh! Excuse me! ‐ Shh!

‐ Grr! ‐ Psst!

‐ Lookin' for one of these? ‐ Thanks, buddy.

‐ Twenty bucks. ‐ What?

That's highway robbery!

And you don't have a permit for that.

Shh!

(Grumbles)

"Name". This is gonna be easier than I thought.

(Groans)

"Question one. If a train full of innocent civilians

is travelling west at 60 miles per hour,

and a missile is zooming east at 115 miles per hour..."

Pff! A schoolchild could answer this!

Just gotta factor in wind resistance

and terminal velocity, curvature of the planet...

How many people are on it?

That's a variable, so I gotta solve for x.

Got it! One down, 99 to go!

Ten‐second warning.

(Gasps)

‐ (Shrieks) ‐ (Bell rings)

‐ Sweet chipotle! I passed! ‐ Me too!

All right, fellow accredited villains, lunch is on me!

I know a great vending machine we can topple.

I failed? I'll burn this building to the ground!

Not without your permit you won't.

Fine. I'll retake the test, then burn it to the ground!

According to section three of the new ordinance,

you can't retake the test for 90 days.

But that's three months! Wait. This is February...

It's more than three months!

Grr!

Don't worry about it, Dr E. You'll get it next time.

I'll be your study buddy.

We'll work together every day, from dawn to dusk.

These next three months and several days

will fly right by!

As delightful as that sounds, I have an idea

that won't make me wanna jump headfirst off MegaBot.

I can't take the that test again, but you can.

I'm flattered, but I don't test well.

‐ I'm more street smart. ‐ Not you. The other dimwit!

Orbot will pass the exam,

thus becoming the official evildoer in the household.

Meanwhile, I'll be pulling the strings behind the scenes,

‐ as the puppet master! ‐ But how can I pass the test?

I don't know the first thing about being evil.

Whaddaya mean? You learned from me!

Uh, perhaps I'll do a little research on my own.

If I want to be prepared for tomorrow's exam,

I'll need to download an evil text book

directly into my memory.

(Chuckles)

(Evil laugh)

There. Now evil courses through my very circuits.

(Sinister) And I like it!

‐ I did it! A perfect score! ‐ Don't take all the credit.

'Cause of me you knew to bring pencils!

That's half the battle!

Now come on, puppet boy, we've got some schemes to hatch.

The message boards are all buzzing about

that two‐tailed goober having a weather‐controlling invention.

So here's the plan. You're gonna blow a hole in his wall,

then send in a pack of robot minions.

I said, "Aim for the wall", you blunderbot!

What was that?

What the heck is he doing? This isn't the plan.

‐ Here it is. ‐ OK,

you did it a little differently, but that's all right.

Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it.

I think he did pretty good. And not a single casualty!

(Screams)

Grr!

Just in case egg salad wasn't enough of a mood killer,

let's send in a swarm of ant bots!

I have a superior idea.

Ah! Rain!

Wow! Great plan, boss! And you did good too, Doc.

Grr!

Grr!

We gotta talk. You see, puppet mastering's a two‐way street.

Fascinating. Say, do you remember

your Fuzzy Puppy warehouse failure from a few days ago?

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

You're not ready to pull off something like that.

Oh, that's strange, because I've already done it.

Rather than destroy the warehouse,

I purchased the entire surplus supply of figurines

at deep discount closeout prices.

Then I posted a flyer saying that a mystery buyer

was willing to pay 1,000 bucks for each Fuzzy Puppy figurine,

thus creating an artificial demand.

At the same time, I took out an ad in the newspaper,

offering to sell the figures for 500 bucks apiece.

People came in droves.

And they didn't buy just one, they purchased three.

One to play with, one to keep mint in the box,

and one to resell to the mystery buyer,

resulting in a 500‐buck profit on each sale,

and at the same time raising the value of each figurine

in your collection to 1,000 bucks!

But... but where's the senseless destruction?

Where's the violence? Where's the fun?

I decided to do it properly instead.

You don't get to decide on the evil plans. I do!

What's the point of puppet mastering

if the puppet doesn't do what you say?

That's why I'm cutting my strings.

Say hello to the newest villain in town, the evil Dr Orbot!

Oh, so now anyone can call themselves a doctor, eh?

Hey, Dr O, can I be your flunkie?

I wanna be on a winning team for once!

(Sighs)

(Screaming)

For years I sat idly by while the world laughed at me,

calling me names like lackey and paperweight.

Well, who's laughing now?

(Evil laugh)

‐ You are, Dr Paperweight. ‐ Gah!

After all that time working under that moustachioed maroon,

how is it you still don't recognise a rhetorical question?

I dunno. I guess sometimes I just ‐

That was also rhetorical, you iron imbecile!

If I wanted to be yelled at, I'd have stuck with Eggman.

Silence! Now, onward to City Hall!

Game over, Eggman!

Get lost, Sonic.

Wait, that's not Eggman!

Don't you goodie‐goodies have a baby that requires saving?

‐ No. ‐ My baby!

Yeah, yeah, we'll get to it!

We need to hold back. He's just Orbot.

I don't know. Did you see his test scores?

Pretty evil.

‐ Yep. ‐ Yeah, pretty evil.

Watch out! Heat‐seeking missiles!

Minions, attack!

This senseless destruction is unacceptable!

Oh, wait, you have a permit. Carry on.

Aaah!

The villain permits have all been destroyed!

Without the proper paperwork,

I guess this whole evil‐permit law is null and void.

(Evil laugh)

Success! My plan worked perfectly!

Your plan?

I knew power would go to your head

and I needed those records destroyed.

Oh, man, I puppet‐mastered you so hard!

Well played, but you haven't seen the last of evil Dr Orbot!

‐ Come, you incompetent ingot. ‐ You know,

I really prefer spineless stooge Orbot to bossy jerkface Orbot.

‐ Who's up for charades? ‐ Oh, me, me!

I gotta say, Eggman, that was one convoluted evil plan.

I didn't have a plan! All that stuff just happened.

The evil genius part was taking credit for it all.

(Chuckles) So long, suckers!

Oh! (Shrieks)

I believe this is yours.

(Laughter)