Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Hello!

Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Standing in for Daisy May Cooper, star and creator

of the BAFTA-winning Alma's Not Normal, it's Sophie Willan.

And joining her team tonight,

a DJ and godfather of grime who, believe it or not,

has his own award-winning baby food brand.

Following in the footsteps of Stormzy's nappy rash cream,

Wiley's maternity pants, and Dizzy Rascal's nipple balm,

all of which I'm wearing as we speak.

It's DJ Target!

And a stand-up comedian who lists Peter Andre

as one of her childhood heroes, and saved up all her money

from her paper round to have surgically-implanted abs.

Unfortunately, she had the procedure done cheaply in Turkey,

and now she looks like a labrador with six low-slung dog teats.

What?! It's Harriet Kemsley!

And on Noel Fielding's team with Jamali Maddix tonight...

♪ ..Just like he's in another world...

Two Libertine bandmates who lived together in Camden

in a flat they described as a sort of mecca for misfits,

to which Mecca Bingo replied, "Hold my beer."

It's rock legends

from The Libertines, Peter Doherty and Carl Barat!

You're very welcome everyone. - Hello, Peter. - Hiya. You alright? Nice to have you back.

Lovely to be here. Brought your friend with you.

I did, yeah. Brought my old mate, but he's deaf in this ear. So ...

- Is he? - He said, "I've brought you with me this time."

- He did, he did. - It's nice to have you. What a lovely little treat.

Sarky git. I think it's lovely. I'm delighted.

This is the naughtiest team that it's ever been, innit?

This is... These are the boys who were sent out of class.

Now, you're a big man, but if you put out all the drugs

on that table that we've all done,

we wouldn't be able to see you.

You have been busy, haven't you? Bless you.

Sophie, happy with your team?

Very happy. Him first. I just have to say, I like his show.

Him first? He does a competition.

It's called The Rap Game. That's it.

Yeah. It's brilliant, yeah. And Sophie watches it.

- Yeah. - Oh. She's one of the few viewers

that actually watches. - Yeah. - We're about to do...

We're about to start filming series 6.

It's done very well. We have lots of-It's fabulous.

- And you two are mates, right? - Yeah. Me and you go way back, don't we?

- Yeah. - We both went out with two comedians

that are essentially street foxes.

We moved into a squat house with them, didn't we?

- Had a horrible time. - What do you mean, they're street foxes?

A street fox is a kind of guy that could basically live in a skip.

Yeah.

Sounds like you two were punching.

We had very low self-esteem...

but we've been to therapy - and we've dumped them. - Yes, yes.

So, that's quite good, isn't it? Yes. Thank you. Yeah.

Right, our first round is called...

♪ I heard a rumour... ♪

Yes, it's called I Heard a Rumour.

In honour of Pete Doherty, this round is all about showbiz rumours.

Peter has featured in more gossip columns than he's had hot dinners,

and when I say hot dinners, I do of course mean delicious drugs.

I've got two pieces of gossip.

All you have to do is to tell me which one is definitely a fact

and which one remains a rumour.

Sophie's team, take a look at this.

♪ ..I'm still standing after all this time

♪ Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

♪ I'm still standing

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

♪ ..And I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it

♪ I l-l-l-like it

♪ L-L-L-Like

♪ Here we go-o

♪ Rocking all over the world... ♪

That was a gay man the football fans think is alright,

probably, yeah, I probably would.

Elton John. And of course the couple that you met in Tenerife,

either of which could be the wife or the husband.

Dave and Jean. You decide who Jean is.

Can you tell me which of these two pieces of gossip is true,

and which is a rumour? Is it Option A?

"The kangaroo then woke up and bounced off

with the band's tour bus keys in its jacket."

I want that to be true. Or is it B?

There you go. Let's delve into the clues,

the facts a little bit, shall we? Yeah.

B is probably more realistic, but would he not have got

arrested for that? Is that not, like, really serious?

Was Rod Stewart in the hot air balloon?

Shooting down... No, he wasn't in it.

Because I was like he'd be on some sort of, like,

murder case or something, - wouldn't he? - Yeah.

OK, so, was it- It was a promotional air... OK.

Well, I think... Have they got some, you know, jest?

- It's more fun. - I hope it's B. I fucking hate Rod Stewart.

Oh, you've got beef with Rod Stewart? I've got beef with Rod Stewart.

You have got beef, haven't you? Fucking bastard, yeah.

Well, I did a corporate show,

and Rod Stewart was in the crowd, yeah?

And he was wearing bright white shoes, innit?

So, I said to him, "Are you going to tap them together,

and they're going to turn into doves?" Yeah?

And then...

And people started... Then they started heckling me,

and then Rod just screamed, "Yeah, get him!"

He was like, "Yeah, get him."

So, would you shoot - his balloon down? - Oh, fuck, yeah.

With him in it?

I don't think Elton John would do that.

He's got real, like, grandma energy.

He does now, but when he was on heroin...

- Oh! - You know, he was very different, weren't he?

Elton John never done... never done gear, anyway.

You what? Oh, sorry. No, that's your thing, isn't it? Sorry.

Yes, my dear. Yeah.

Shall we have a look at Elton John and see if he's capable of

shooting down Rod's promotional air balloon? There he is.

He looks a bit sinister there. He looks like a nan who's gonna

rough you up for reporting her XL Bully.

So, what do you think?

The kangaroo's so good though. Yeah.

I like to imagine that the kangaroo came back later

with other kangaroos, and then used the bus to go on tour.

100%.

Was the kangaroo dead, though?

No, clearly not.

Oh, cos it woke up? OK.

Cos it does say corpse.

But then it says he bounced back - to life. - Bounced off. Yeah.

Cos I feel like the kangaroo was playing dead...

to fool the guys into thinking- Run away.

- It was a smart kangaroo. - That's what I mean. There's a whole-

How smart- There's a whole, like, Pixar film that could be based on this.

Pixar film, where it starts with a kangaroo getting mowed done by...

Let's lock this in, shall we?

I still... I-I just want it to be A.

If you want to go with A-I don't know if it's the right answer,

but I really want it to be A. I think Rod Stewart and Elton John

have got fun beef going for years. Mm.

And they've got loads of money, - and they might find it funny. - Mm.

I think B. Oh.

You're going to overrule your team and go with gunman?

I don't know. Is that wrong, sorry? No, I don't know what's right.

The kangaroo one is more fun, but- It's more fun. If I'm wrong, then I'm sorry about this.

B is probably more realistic. Let's lock it in, then.

Soph, what do you think?B. B?B.

The answer is B! Yay!

Elton John...

...shot down Rod Stewart's air balloon. Well done.

Noel's team, here's your question. Take a look at this.

♪ ..In the morning

♪ You know we won't remember a thing

♪ In the morning

♪ You know it's gonna be alright... ♪

♪ ..You want it all

♪ But you can't have it... ♪

That was the reason you bought a pair of white skinny jeans,

despite being thick of thigh and plagued with IBS.

Johnny Borrell. And the guy in that flat upstairs,

who's constantly bringing a bag with one pint of milk back

from the BP Garage, Faith No More's Mike Patton.

But which of the following stories is fact,

and which is just a rumour? Was it A?

Or was it option B?

So, there you go.

What are your initial thoughts? - What, is that it? - That's it.

I've got an... - Is this a public forum? - Yeah.

I believe Johnny would say that, because I remember bumping into him on Brick Lane

years ago, when we were trying to get him to join The Libertines.

I said, "What are you up to? We're looking for a bass player."

And he said, "I've just been making love and working out, man."

Straight-faced, right?

I thought you were gonna say that you'd orgasmed at the bottom of Primrose Hill to his music.

Do you think it's likely that he could've

whispered that to a woman? Yeah, 100%.

Kind of, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- It's possible. - I like to think that she went, "At least four."

Johnny Borrell, was he in The Libertines? Is that true?

Yeah, yeah. We used to- - No. - Well, we asked him if he...

if he'd like to join the band. He played bass for

a couple of rehearsals, and then we had our showcase gig

in Whitechapel at the old Rhythm Factory, and we had...

Rough Trade were gonna come down, and this could be the night... And he didn't turn up, did he?

- He didn't turn up. - No, I got some- We couldn't get hold him,

so we had to switch bass and- No, I went-

We had to switch bass and guitar between songs.

He cut... He's just cut my bit out. Sorry, go on.

No, it's fine. No, no.

So we were friends for a long time and then

he was supposed to be filling in for this, for this... You tell it.

No, but there was a... No, but we did-

It's just like Chucklevision, this. I don't know what's happening.

They liked what they saw, anyway.

I managed to get a deal. Still, we were gutted he didn't

show up and kind of stood us up. So, we phoned him and said,

"Where the fuck were you last night at the gig?"

And he went, "What gig?" I went,

"The big gig we've been rehearsing for, that meant a lot to us.

We asked you to stand in on bass." And he said, "I'm in Cardiff, man, living the dream."

So, he wasn't in the... He's never been in the band?

Ah, it's a moot point. It's a moot point?

If that's your attitude, we can wrap this whole night up right now.

And then, when he did get his own band, Razorlight,

and they got really big, probably bigger than us,

like, in America and all that, he did an interview, where he said,

"The Libertines, man." He said... What did he say?

"In years to come, they'll say..."

I can give you the exact quote. Oh, right, OK.

He said...

It's been exactly 20 years since he said that about you.

And so we rang him to ask about The Libertines.

Genuinely, he said this today, to one of our researchers.

He said...

Yeah, that's true."None of the rest of it matters to me one bit."

- Aw. - Ah, that's... That's actually pretty sweet, that.

Pretty cute, actually, innit? Yeah.

It is cute. That's really cute.

Spirit was their pet Labrador.

That was very nice, wasn't it?

I did say he was our friend, didn't I?

OK, back to the question. What do you think-

Mike Patton used to shit in hairdryers?

Yeah. Wow. That's something, isn't it?

Yeah, which I think would be tricky. So it's probably not a whole shit, either.

I haven't done it myself, but I assume that you just put

a bit of it in the... in the suck-y end. That'd be my guess.

For what purpose? It's not gonna add anything to the music. Go bit-by-bit.

It's not gonna to add anything. I'm really thinking about that, and I think you would go bit-by-bit.

It's a two-day jobby.

Has anyone heard any rumours about themselves?

I heard on local radio once I was dead in Southampton.

Horrific. Harriet?

I heard a rumour once that I ate a whole Dominoes, and the box.

Jamali, have you heard any rumours about yourself?

There's quite a big rumour about you, that you live with your mum.

Yeah. That's lies and propaganda, yeah?

As I've said many times, sometimes I go to a gig

and it's quicker to stay at hers. What, every night?

Three to four times a week.

Harriet knows you do. She- You do, don't you?

- No! - Well, that's where all your stuff is, isn't it?

Oh, for fuck sake.

Sophie, I read a rumour that you used to make money

by impersonating Irish men and dancing in Hyde Park.

Did you? Eh? The Libertines?

Oh, not Sophie?

God, I wish it was you.

Did you make money pretending to be Irish men and dancing in Hyde Park?

Speaker's Corner on a Sunday morning, which we used

to go down to and enjoy all the political debate, didn't we?

- We did. - And I'd stand up and go, "Ladies and gentlemen,

we've all heard a lot of heated political debate today,

but we all like a bit of entertainment.

Who here would like to see Seamus dance?"

And he's not... he's not into it right now,

but normally he'd be going... Can I just point out? So, it...

It was a very underwhelming dance, basically.

So, we got a bit of money out of it.

People were paying for salvation. Who here would like to see

Seamus dance, ladies and gentlemen?

Can I point out again the underwhelming nature

of the dance? It's not actually... There's no salvation to be had here.

But you've got to do the face. I know.

So, ladies and gentlemen, we've heard a lot of

divisive rhetoric here today.

Even threats of violence, people shaking fists,

all kind of political violence there.

However, if there's one thing that can bring people together,

- it's music, isn't it, Seamus? - Music. Everyone loves to see dancing.

Now, it just so happens, Seamus can dance.

And he's willing to dance for you, but we've got to get home, mind.

So, we're going to put the hat round,

and when we've made a few quid, you can see Seamus dance.

People put... People put money in and I'd say away you go, Seamus.

I don't know what the fuck's going on honestly.

It's absolutely incredible.

OK, Noel, do we think it was Borrell with his chat up line

or was it Mike Patton with his dirty hairdryer?

Let's have a look at Mike.

He fucking shits in hairdryers, course he does.

He would find a way to do it, innit?

The other part is, like, how would you ever qualify the truth

behind the Johnny Borrell thing? No one's ever going to know that.

So, this is quite possibly more realistic?

I think it's A. You think it's A?

Yeah. Yeah, it's 100% A.

You think B? Kind of.

I'll go with A for you guys. I-I hope... I hope it's B.

Well, I think it's... I mean look at... Mike Patton...

You're the captain. You know, it's your decision.

Mike Patton's an absolute loose cannon...

Wasn't he an American General in the Second World War?

No, that was... Oh, yeah.

There was a General Patton, but I don't think...

That was good. Let's lock this in, shall we?

Why don't we go for the fella who looks deranged. B.

Is that your answer? Yes, that is our answer.

Let's see!

You're right!

Incredibly, the answer is B.

Mike Patton used to dump in hairdryers.

In 1992, Mike Patton defecated into the hairdryer in a dressing room

of the support band, L-Seven, so that they would, in his words,

"get a blast of hot shit in their face."

And at the end of that round, both teams have one point!

Time for a quick break. Why not grab a drink, get a snack?

And if you're Katy Perry, stop making music.

We'll see in in a minute.

Welcome back to Never Mind the Buzzcocks!

It's time now for the Intros Round.

Peter and Carl and Noel... oh a three ball, on your feet please.

You'll be performing an intro of a song to Jamali,

and remember Jamali, it's the title of the song we're looking for.

This is the greatest moment of my life,

I'm now the Bez of The Libertines. I'm so happy.

Only took me 50 years to get here.

Jamali, are you ready? I'm born ready, bruv.

Who's bringing us in? Er, I think it's me.

Ba-ba-ba-bum, ba-ba-ba-bum, ba-ba-ba-bum,

ba-ba-ba-bum...

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo,

ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding,

duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh,

diddly-duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh...

Da, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da...

You know it, you know it.

Yeah. Da-da-da-da...

I nearly had it, and then the audience were doing that,

sort of, white people clapping out of time.

You know how white people just love doing this...

and it threw me off.

Da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da...

Chelsea Dagger. Yo!

You're right!

It was Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis,

and this is what it should've sounded like.

♪ THE FRATELLIS: Chelsea Dagger ♪

The Fratellis. Fratellis' lead singer holds the Guinness World Record

for the biggest potato ever grown, measuring some three feet in diameter

and weighing just under a stone.

A fact that I totally made up cos I couldn't find anything interesting

to say about The Fratellis.

♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do-do-do... ♪

OK, song two. Oh, yeah.

Bing-ding-ding, ding-ding-ding,

ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-ding.

Ding... Can we do it without Noel doing that?

Fuck you, I'm going.

Right I'll go here. Let's go.

Dun, dun-dun-dun-dun. Dun. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun... Dun.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun... Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun...

What's this?

Oh, are you skipping stones? What the fuck is that?

I was doing that this morning actually. I got a sixer.

Jamali, what do you think? I would say it's, er,

it's Lose Yourself, Eminem.

I would say you're right!

It was Lose Yourself by Eminem.

Here's how it should've sounded.

♪ EMINEM: Lose Yourself ♪

It was alright, wasn't it?

It's great, innit? I can really hear...

I can really hear that. ♪ Look, if you had one shot... ♪

That was Eminem with Lose Yourself.

Eminem once said, "I always wished for success

but it's almost turning into more of a nightmare than a dream."

Tell me about it, Slim, I always wished I had a tail.

Honestly mate, it's the bane of my life.

If it's not infected, it's sore from repeatedly

getting it caught in the car door.

It's the worst ten grand I ever spent.

You suit a tail, Greg.

Target and Harriet, it's your turn to perform to Sophie,

so on your feet please.

And as always, it's the title of the songs we're looking for please.

OK, right. OK.

Ba, ba, ba, ba...

Ba, ba-ba...

Ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba.

Ba-ba-ba...

Ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba...

I do not know what the fuck is going on here.

Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba.

Ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba.

Why don't you go like that but with no noise.

Fabulous.

Yeah and could you stand behind there?

Bow, bow, ba-dow...

Good job.

Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba, ba.

I mean if no-one's got that, then I've... I don't even know.

OK, stop, stop!

Stop.

I feel like I'm at a child's nativity.

I can't stop!

I've not got it from that.

I've not got it from that?

But it's lovely what you were doing. Thank you, thank you.

Do you wanna take a guess at any song?

Fucking er, er... Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo, doo, doo.

You're really not helping.

Boing, bow, bow, ba-da-lum, bow, bow.

Bow, bow, ba-dow. Da-da, da-da, da-da-da.

I genuinely think someone's put something in my drink.

Shall I pass it over?

No.

Is it ba, ba, ba, ba, bam, bam... Yes!

Bam, bam, bam... Oh don't, don't lads.

I can't take... I can't take stereo "ba-babs".

Is it the kangaroo who stole the keys to the tour bus?

You're both wrong. It was Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield.

Let's play it. Wait, wait.

This is what it should sound like.

♪ NATASHA BEDINGFIELD: Unwritten ♪ Wait. Wait. Wait.

Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba.

Bow, bow, bow, bow... Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba.

Boo, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba.

Sorry...

You can't justify your own attempt by shouting over the top of the song.

I mean this show's been going for knocking on the door of 25 years

and that might be the worst thing I've ever seen.

We're gonna... We're gonna redeem...

We're gonna redeem ourselves, aren't we?

That was Natasha Bedingfield with Unwritten.

And Natasha once said, "I'm the diva from the future,"

to which the 15th century peasant replied, "Ah though arst a witch!"

Next one please.

Right this is- Song two.

We're gonna redeem ourselves. I don't actually know this.

No, don't worry. OK.

I honestly think that's good, - Harriet. - I'll-I'll just go...

Yeah? To my... Do it to my timing. Yep.

Let's not go off... Let me get the timing for us first.

- Yeah. - Ready? Yeah, so I just do that.

Yeah. Ba-ba, ba-da-la-la-la.

Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba.

Ba. Ba-ba, ba-da-la-la-la... Oh! Hacienda and it's...

Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo,

What are they called? What the fuck are they called?

Um Hacienda, Manchester, the peas.

Can stop you briefly? Yeah?

I think you, and I don't want Harriet to think I'm picking on her,

it might help if she isn't doing her impression of a galloping horse.

Yeah, I liked I though, because I knew what you were doing.

I liked it, I liked it as a bit of art.

It's a classic Hacienda... It's a band.

Yes. Yes.

Right era. What's the song? Is it not Here Now or...

It's not Here Now. Flip it over, Greg.

- I'm throwing it over. - Alright. Fools Gold, The Stone Roses!

It is Fools Gold!

You're right, it was Fools Gold by The Stone Roses.

Here's how it should've sounded.

♪ THE STONE ROSES: Fools Gold ♪

At the end of that round Noel's team have four points

and Sophie's team have one point!

We can steal this.

Next up, is...

♪ Never forget... ♪

...all the silly things you've done.

I'm gonna quiz you on moments from your own lives to see

how much your brains can actually remember.

You get a point for everything you remember correctly.

You need to answer as many questions as you can,

before the time runs out and you hear this sound...

' Get out of here!'

Excuse me.

Was that you, Pete? Get out of here!

Yeah. Are you ready everyone?

Let's go.

Ooh!

Peter, what was the first song you ever wrote and performed?

Right, it was open mic night at the Bulls Head in Brentford...

Let's go straight - with the title Pete. - Alright.

Albion I think was the first one, but you're gonna say...

if you say Handsome, I played that the same night.

Well, I'm not gonna say either. It was called Billy The Hamster and it was about a hamster-

No, that doesn't count that. I did that at school assembly when I was about 12.

- That doesn't count. - You can get a point if you sing it for us now.

♪ When I was eight, kept on at my dad

♪ On and on and on and on, it was driving him mad

♪ He said, "No, you ain't having a pet, you ain't old enough yet"

♪ When I was nine... ♪ And it goes on till I get

the hamster, he chews through a cable, he dies. - That's a point. Thank you. - It is.

It is a point.

Harriet, why were you sacked from your job in Debenhams,

when you were 16?

Um, cos I turned up after an all-night rave

dressed as a pirate.

Is correct. It is correct.

And I sort of want to get into that, but anyway.

Peter, you were arrested in July 2003

for breaking into Carl's flat and stealing a number of items.

I'll give you a point if you can name at least four

of the things you stole. Er, harmonica, guitar,

er, DVD player, er, and some ham.

I'll give you harmonica, I'll give you DVD player.

It was a CD player, actually.

I think he knows what he stole. I know what he stole.

Just cos it's not on your card.

If he says he stole ham, he fuckin' stole ham.

Let's not play the game. I'll just get Peter to say four things.

I think that would be a great game. No one ever knew about the ham.

I did.

Carl's confirmed it.

Sophie, according to an interview you did in 2018,

who did you say you would want in front of you and behind you

in a human centipede?

I don't know. Did this really happen? I don't know.

You can say no to these questions.

Yeah, no comment.

OK. Well I'll comment, it was David Attenborough behind and-

Was it?

And Cheryl Cole in front.

That's brilliant.

Peter. Why did you get banned from the Groucho Club in October 2004?

That was for... I swung on what I thought was

the thing on the ceiling, electrical tape was on it,

but it wasn't, it was a... an installation by Damien Hirst.

It was.

You tore it off the ceiling and it was worth £100,000.

' Get out of here!'

At the end of that round, Sophie's team have two points and in the lead

are Noel's team with six points!

Poor Attenborough.

You must be the only person in the UK that

wants to shit in Attenborough's mouth.

What the fuck? She doesn't know!

Oh, that's disgusting.

Greg, what is a human centipede - again? - That's what I was thinking.

I believe it's when, um, people are sewn ass to mouth

to create a whole new creature.

I just thought it was like a conga line, like a nice...

Time for a quick break.

I'm off to hook Shakira's hips up to a polygraph, see you in a bit!

Welcome back to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Just like Justin Timberlake, I'm bringing sexy back,

if a sexy back is covered in hair

so matted it looks and smells like the floor of a dog groomers.

Our next round is called ID Parade where our panel must identify

a music legend of yesteryear.

Noel's team, here is your line-up.

For the audience at home, take a look at this.

♪ It's a rave, Dave

♪ It's a rave, Dave

♪ It's a rave, Dave

♪ It's a rave, Dave

♪ Just lots of people in a room

♪ Spreading love and listening to tunes... ♪

That was Trash Fashion with It's a Rave Dave from 2007,

but Noel's team, what I want to know is which of our lineup

are Tom Marsh, Matt Emerson, and Kurran Karbal from the band?

Is it number one, Trash Fashion?

Number two, I Like Potatoes and Mash 'Em?

Number three, Fell on a Fence, Incapable of Passion?

Number four, He's Strict in the Pool, No Petting No Splashing?

Or number five, Sofa Prices, This Boxing Day He'll Slash 'Em?

Boy, number five is...

is no one if the Boosh never happened innit?

That's my long-lost brother.

I don't understand quite what... We've got... There's three of them?

You've gotta get all three to get the points, it's, er-I see.

It's cruel but... I don't think number five was in the band.

He looked dead uncomfortable when that music came on, like he wasn't proud of it.

- He didn't like it. - Something's going on with him. He's hiding something.

What about number four, bruv? Looks like he sells vapes

at the skatepark.

It's not two is it?

He runs a crazy golf centre.

No but he's studying for his PhD part-time.

What's your gut feeling about number one, Jamal?

He looks like, er, Shaggy from Scooby Doo on spice.

That's why he thinks the dog's talking and that.

Do you know what? I feel like number five is relaxed a bit more now

and maybe he could be in the group. He could be in the band.

It's either one, four, five... Yeah.

Do you want some facts about them? Yes.

Tom from the band says that Noel once

tried to chat up his girlfriend.

Ooh, fight.

Well, if that's number five, she wouldn't have noticed.

It's not even like a joke about him but that hat is fuckin' insane

on number three though.

It's like one of those '80s sitcom where it's like

"oh, the crazy guy's here!" This is the guy with the hat.

My mum's away for the weekend guys! Yeah, yeah.

That is insane.

Number one looks like the person who invented acid.

Kurran loves meditation.

That's what he puts on his Tinder profile anyway.

I'm just... I'm just a sensitive guy and that, man.

I love number four's outfit, but I'm not sure he's in the band

but he... I think he's quite cool.

He might be solo. He might have left the band.

I didn't chat up your girlfriend, I promise.

So what do you think?

I've got no- You don't think it's four,

and I think every person in the room can count two out.

I'm not gonna lie, I feel like I'm looking at a magic eye poster.

I wanna see this band - actually I think. - Yeah.

OK pick, make your decision, gents. Number one's in, right?

- - In the band. Yeah? - Yeah. - Number two probably left it all behind.

I'll say three and four. That's a lovely twist.

Number two might've - left it all behind. - We're definitely having one and five.

- Lovely. - And what do you think boys? You're in a band. You know.

- What do you think? - Four. Four's a musician but whether he's in-

OK, one, four and five. We're going one, four, five. Locked in, one, four and five.

Will the real three members of the band please step forward?

Ooh! Yeah!

Oh!

Noel's team, you were wrong, we were all wrong.

Gentlemen, thank you for joining us. How are you all?

- Good, tickety-boo. - What's happening in all of your lives?

Well, we finally, after a 15-year hiatus,

we've got a new album coming out this year.

Oh you're still together as a band? Two of us.

But then Kurran's got his own solo stuff-

- I told ya! - And he's got a new album out as well!

He's got an album coming out as well, so...

- You were right, dude, yeah. - I didn't chat up your girlfriend did I?

No, it was his girlfriend. Oh good, OK.

Congratulations on getting the band back together.

Let's hear it for Tom, Matt, Kurran and the rest of the line up!

OK, Sophie's team, here's your lineup.

For the audience at home, take a look at this.

♪ I'm so cool and I'm so groovy

♪ When I go bom, bom, bom! ♪

Quite the tune. That was Sam and the Womp

with Bom Bom from 2012, but can you tell me which of our lineup

is the lead singer Bloem de Wilde?

Is it number one, Bom Bom?

Number two, Nom Nom?

Number three, No Tax, I'm a Non Dom?

Number four, Battle of the Som Som?

Number five, RIP Captain Tom Tom?

Who doesn't jump out? Three looks so serious.

Yeah. Very serious.

But at the same time the kind of aggression

and delivery on that record... Matches...

Matches number three. Matches three's face.

Yeah. And whole energy.

But at the same time you've got power ranger,

number five, it could be her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

Number two looks like she's just jumped out of my rug.

Yeah.

That could be very metaphorical, - you do know that. - No!

I've seen her...

I was going to say I've seen her rug,

I know what she means, - but not like that. - Not that, yeah.

You mean because of the pattern, - right? - Yeah, the pattern.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then we've got... One is kind of

playing the unassuming it's me, but if it is me I'm trying

to throw you - so you think it's not me. - Right.

She looks like she's about to burst into song, but not in a good way.

Do you want some facts about them? Yeah, why not.

About Bloem. Bloem is now a transformational coach.

She helps people create their dreams,

which a more cynical man would say...

No it sounds great, it sounds great.

Three doesn't look like she'd help you find your dreams.

She looks like she'd crush your dreams.

She's had some tricky divorces.

What year was this again?

That this song was? Er, 2012.

2012, just getting an age range.

I think it's two or five.

I think it's five or three. It can't be three.

Five looks like she's performed.

Four's face is very, like, trad-wife isn't it?

Yeah.

She looks like she just milked some goats and sucked off

her husband and she's ready for the day.

Just getting out there.

Sorry is that your version of a traditional wife?

I dunno what they do.

Let's lock it in, Soph. Right, what do you think?

I'm still feeling like three or five.

Three, three.

Is three your final answer?

I think two, I think two. OK.Five!

Five is your final answer? Yeah.

Will the real Bloem de Wilde please step forward.

Oh...

Yes, of course that's Bloem de Wilde.

Well done!

Sophie's team, you were right.

Welcome. What are you up to at the moment, Bloem?

Um, I've just finished an album of solo stuff.

I'm writing a book, and I've got a radio show.

Busy Bloem de Wilde.

Thank you so much for coming on, and a big round of applause

for our imposters!

At the end of that round, Sophie's team have three points,

and Noel's team have six points.

Right, it's time for next lines.

Noel's team, I'm going to read out a song lyric.

You've got to give me the next line of the song

as quick as you can to win the point.

Your time starts now. "Well I guess it would be nice,

if I could touch your body..."

# I know not everybody has got a body like you... ♪

Correct, George Michael. ♪ Maybe...

George Michael's Faith. ♪ ..you mean every word you say. ♪

Lovely. "An ending fitting for the start..."

"You twisted and tore our love apart."

The Libertines, Can't Stand Me Now, correct.

"You can keep the Costa Brava..."

# I'm telling ya, mate, I'd rather have

♪ A day down Margate with all me family... ♪

Chas and Dave, Margate.

"If you'd be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal."

"If you call me Maureen, I'll call you-"No, no, no.

"I'll call you Al." ♪ Betty, if you call me

♪ You can call me Al. ♪ Lovely to hear that

from Maureen and Betty there though.

Paul Simon, Call Me Al.

"I've been going out with a girl; her name is Julie."

I'm trying to get her to be a human centipede.

She's not up for it.

"Just last night she said to me, when we were watching telly."

Bloody hell, Jilted John, well done.

Well done, you got five right.

OK, Sophie's team. Are you ready?

Your time starts now.

"I want to love you, feel you, wrap myself around you..."

Pardon?

It was "I want to squeeze you, please you, I just can't get enough."

Pointer Sisters, I'm So Excited.

"When you leave, I'm begging you not to go."

Oh, something, something, "three times in a row".

I'm gonna give it you, Beyonce, Crazy in Love.

"Call your name, two, three times in a row."That's it.

"If I was a sculptor but then again no..."

♪ Or a man who made potions in a travelling show... ♪

Good. Elton John, Your Song, correct. "How charming, just a rapper,

load him up and eat that snapper."

Oof!

"I want 16 pints of rum and then I go bom, bom."

That was Sam and the Womp with Bom Bom.

Fucking hell. That was quick.

We got two!

That sound means it's the end of the round, and it's the end

of the show, and I can tell you that Sophie's team have five points,

but with a sensational 11 points, our winners tonight are Noel's team.

Thanks to The Libertines, Noel, Jamali, Harriet, Sophie and Target.

Goodnight!

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