Original subtitles

- Pick a card. - Okay.

All right. Now memorize it.

- You got it? - Oh, yes.

Okay. Is that your card?

- Yes. - Ha, ha.

- Hey, guys. - Hi there.

Guess what. Ben is gonna be in a TV commercial.

- What are you talking about? - Well, it's not for sure.

But, uh, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute.

You know, which he is. Um, anyhoo, he gave us his card...

...and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.

Whoa.

The guy's like the biggest commercial casting director in town.

Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition?

I mean, way to go, Ben!

Man, I've been in that park a million times. No one's ever offered me an audition.

I know, it's crazy. We were just pushing Ben on the swings...

I'm always on the swings.

What am I doing wrong?

That.

- Okay, gotta go. Wish me luck. - Good luck.

Hey, Rach, now that you working at Ralph Lauren, can you get me some shirts?

Uh, well, you know what? I don't know if I'd feel comfortable stealing...

...on my very first day.

Unwilling to steal from work.

Interesting.

Besides, if anybody is gonna get free stuff, it's me.

Okay, guys, way to wish me luck.

- Go get them. - Bye.

Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday.

I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.

Whoa, whoa. But her birthday's not for another month.

Okay, but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.

I think that's a great idea. We can have a dinner party and invite her close friends.

Ross. We're having a surprise party for Rachel.

- Okay. - Done.

Okay, great. So do you wanna do it together?

I would love to do it together.

They're gonna do it together.

Dude, that's my girlfriend.

So I gotta shut it down now?

All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben...

...and then we're off to the big audition.

It's gonna be weird seeing some actor pretending to be Ben's dad.

- Yeah. - Weirder than his two moms making out?

Whoa, whoa. Dad? There's a dad in the commercial?

Yeah. The dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.

Well, maybe I'll go with you and see if I can audition as the dad.

I mean, who better to play Ben's father than his godfather?

- You're not his godfather. - What?

Are you kidding?

Of course I am.

- Okay, let's go, godfather. - All right. Ha, ha.

Hey, I'm in. They're gonna let me audition.

Really? That's great.

I know, I know. One of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play.

So I steered clear of her.

- That kid looks familiar. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's done tons of commercials.

I've seen him in Sugar Smacks, PlayStation...

...and that one for the phone company.

In fact, he was so good in that one...

...he actually convinced me to switch phone companies.

Chandler was mad.

Yeah, well, he's not gonna get this one. All right? Ben is way cuter than that kid.

I mean, look at him.

That's great.

Listen, wouldn't it be great if I got to play Ben's dad?

Joey, you look nothing like Ben.

I look more like him than you do.

Well, I really don't know you well enough for you to do that.

So it's down to these two. Nancy, I know you like this one...

...and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think?

Well, um, that one is pretty...

...but I just love this fabric. Sorry.

Oh, don't be. That's part of your job here, to give your opinions.

And then I take credit for them. I'm kidding. Ha, ha.

She is kidding. But don't ever disagree with her again.

- Okay, now I'm kidding. - Oh, ha, ha.

Oh, what a fun office.

I don't know which one. But I do know I need a cigarette.

So, what do you say we take a break, go outside...

...and figure this out when we come back.

- Rachel? - Yeah.

- You smoke? - No.

My dad's a doctor. And he would always tell me just horror stories...

About ghosts and goblins...

...who totally supported the princess' right to smoke.

And then they came back from smoking...

...and they'd made all of the decisions without me.

- That doesn't seem fair. - I know.

It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisonous habit.

Yeah, it is the best.

I mean, what if this keeps happening?

They'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions...

...and I'll just be up in my office breathing in my stupid clean air.

You know? And when Kim wants to promote one of us...

...who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?

Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke.

Just say you wanna get some fresh air.

Yeah, I could do that.

Yeah, or you could just do the easy thing and smoke.

- Hey. Do you wanna go get coffee? - Hey.

- Oh, I would love to. - Oh, good.

- I'm gonna go too, babe. - Oh, good.

- Yay. - Yay.

Oh, I changed my mind.

Okay, let's talk about the party. I have so many ideas.

- Ooh, me too. - Oh!

- Yeah! - Oh, look at that.

- All right. This is a little sketch of the cake. - Uh-huh. Wow.

See? Um, some sample menus.

Um, you know, I thought we'd start with a Tuscan-style finger food.

Okay. And for music, here's an alphabetized list of all of my CDs.

I've highlighted the ones that'll go really good with the food.

- What happened to the dinner party? - We're not doing that.

- Okay? So... - Wow. All right.

Looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, cohost.

Wait. I didn't take care of everything.

There's plenty of things for you to do.

Uh-huh? Like what?

Cups.

Cups. You're giving me cups?

And ice.

Cups and ice? Oh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice?

All right.

Fine. Okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice.

- Wait, I can get ice at the restaurant... - I got it.

- Hi. - Hey.

- How did the audition go? - Not so good.

Wait a minute. Are you doing Joey's:

"The audition didn't go so well. Yeah, it did!"

Yeah, I am!

- Yeah, Ben got a second audition. - Oh, great.

Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback.

You got a callback too, didn't you?

Yeah, I did!

Hey, Rachel. What are you doing out here?

You know, it got kind of lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here...

...and get some fresh air.

We were talking about the fall collection.

- Oh, great. - So anyway, we really...

- I'm sorry. We're smoking all over you. - That's okay.

No, no, no. We'll move. You stay there.

I sent the designs to Ralph. He was excited about it.

That's great. You are the best.

Excuse me. Can I bum one of those?

Actually, this one's...

Okay, okay, okay. What's so funny over here?

I thought you didn't smoke.

You know, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes.

You know what I mean? Like, doobies?

Actually, I thought to myself, "Those guys are crazy."

But no, actually, I smoke the regular ones all the time.

We get high.

Me too.

- I'm kidding. - Oh!

Me too.

Oh, God. This is so nerve-racking. How do you do this?

Well, fortunately, I don't get many callbacks so...

Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after?

Who knows?

Okay. We have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle and Joey.

The rest of you, thank you very much.

Yes! I knew it!

Ah. Bye-bye.

So long.

Later.

This is great. I might actually get to play Ben's dad.

Actually, that can't happen.

Because you all have such different looks...

...we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben.

So it'll either be you two or you two.

Oh, man.

- This is gonna be kind of weird. - Yeah, it is.

Yeah. It's gonna be weird.

No. We're like best friends. That's why it's weird.

Oh, oh.

I thought we were just talking.

- Hey. - Hey.

Is it okay if I leave this stuff here till Rachel's birthday party?

- Uh, sure. What's in them? - Um, cups.

Oh, good, because we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.

Seriously, that's a lot of cups.

Yeah, well, I'm in charge of cups and ice.

And Monica's gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.

You know, I rued the day once. Didn't get a whole lot else done.

Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups.

- Hey, Joey. - Hey, Pheebs.

- Hey. - Ross, good, I'm glad you're here.

- I want to talk to you about something. - Oh. What's up?

Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing.

You know me against Ben.

The two of us competing. Well, that can't lead to anything good.

I think I'm just gonna step aside.

I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.

Wow. Uh...

Joey, that's great. Thanks, man.

That's it?

You're gonna let me do this? This is my career we're talking about here.

But you just...

I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it.

Look, Ross, if anyone should step aside, it should be Ben.

- What? - Chandler, tell him.

Well, let me get the door first.

Oh, hi, no one.

Why should Ben step aside?

It was his audition in the first place. You just tagged along.

You're like the tag-along dad.

At least I care about his feelings.

What?

Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn't get it?

And why wouldn't he get it?

Oh, come on.

Have you seen what my kid can do? Huh?

I mean, he dials phones, he eats tortilla chips.

He plays soccer with the cartoon tiger.

Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?

You just give him a spoon, baby.

- Oh, yeah? I guess we'll see. - Yeah.

Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch.

- Your kid's name is Raymond. - Yeah? So is yours.

- How did work go? - Oh, it was great. It was great.

I went down there just like you said. And we talked business.

And Kim totally took my opinions.

You stink.

- Thanks. - No, I'm serious.

That's because I went down there and they were smoking.

This is actually the smell of success.

But there's something different, though.

Oh, my God. You smoked.

- I did not. - Yes, you did.

You look happy and sick. You smoked.

All right, fine. But I had to. I had to do it for my career.

I wish I had to smoke for my career.

That's so gross.

Well, no, it's not that bad, you know?

I mean, yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and my fingers sort of smell.

I actually feel like I could throw up.

But you gotta push past this, okay? Because it's about to get so good.

Chandler.

You smell so smoky, I gotta get up.

I'm not kidding.

I think you smell great.

So we're decided. No on plaid, yes on pink.

Absolutely.

I'm so on board.

- Rachel, didn't you just light that? - Yeah.

But you know what?

I'm just really, really trying to cut back, you know.

Good luck, Rach.

I've actually been thinking about quitting.

Oh, well, sure. Every Sunday night, I tell myself I'm quitting.

Every Monday morning, it's like:

Tell me about it.

Well, let's quit. We'll just quit. Let's all quit.

It does sound appealing.

- I never could do it. - But you could. You can. Absolutely.

We can help each other out. We could get those patches.

We could be like the Patch Sisters.

You know, we really should quit. Okay, let's quit.

Yes. Great. Give me those cigs. Come on.

Give it. Give it. Out. Done. Quit. Whoo!

- My late husband gave me that lighter. - Ha, ha.

I'm not kidding.

Okay, then. Okay.

Mm, soup.

Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second.

Would you mind watching Ben while I use the ladies' room?

- Yeah, no problem. - Thanks.

Mm.

Hi, Ben.

So you want to be an actor, huh? Well, I gotta tell you, it's no picnic.

There's tons of rejection. No stability.

I mean, one day, you're Dr. Drake Ramoray.

The next day, you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle.

Joey.

Ross.

Ben.

I mean, Ben. Ben.

Okay, Raymond, Joey, you're up.

- Hi. - Okay.

All right, well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready.

- Uh-oh. - Is there a problem?

Well, this is noodle soup. And I've been working with tomato.

But that's okay. No problem. No problem.

Mm, noodle soup.

You know, that's fine. But the line is, "Mm, soup."

- Oh. What'd I say? - Mm, noodle soup.

How's that different?

Oh. Right. Yeah.

All right. Let's try one.

Mm, noodle soup.

Okay. Let's do it again.

Okay.

Mm, soup.

I mean, noodle soup. I mean, soup.

Come on!

You know what? We need to move on.

Oh, no, I could do it one more time.

See, look.

Mm, noodle soup.

Damn it.

Hey. Hey.

Uh-oh. Busted.

Come on, you guys. What are you doing?

I thought we were the Patch Sisters.

Yeah, that didn't work out.

Rachel, we tried to quit. But it was too hard.

Well, if you started smoking again, you could have at least told me.

Come on, give me one of those. What are we talking about?

No, you're doing great. Don't give up.

That's why we didn't tell you, and we are not gonna drag you down.

Oh, wait. No, no. Drag me down. Drag me down.

Forget it, Rachel. We're both so proud of how well you're doing.

I'm not gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you, you're fired.

So go on, get out of here. Go on. I don't want you breathing this stuff. Go on.

So okay. So you'll come with me on the Paris trip?

Oh, man.

Hey, check it out. Cup hat, cup banner...

...cup chandelier and the thing that started it all. The cup.

- Great job with the cups, Pheebs. - Ha, ha.

Why don't you just go out with her?

Did you notice the ice? Look.

We have it all. We have crushed, cubed and dry. Watch.

Ah.

Mystical.

No one's eating my Tuscan finger food. They're filling up on Phoebe's snow cones.

There are snow cones?

Snow cones. Yuck.

- Go, go. - Thank you. Thank you.

- Look, look. - Surprise.

What? My birthday is not for another month.

That's the surprise.

Oh, my God, you guys. This is so great. It's so unexpected.

I mean, Chandler's birthday's even before mine.

Surprise.

Wow. This is so great. Look at all these...

...cups. This is so weird.

I was in charge of cups.

Oh, okay. Not so weird.

- Hey. - Hey.

Listen, man. I'm sorry the audition didn't go well.

Yeah, right.

No, really. I am, Joey. I feel bad.

Well, look, Ross. You don't have to, okay?

It's not your fault I suck.

What kind of an actor can't even say, "Mm, noodle soup"?

Hey, you know what? Maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck.

Maybe you messed up because you care more about your godson.

- What do you mean? - I think, subconsciously...

Whoa, you lost me.

I think, on some level, you sabotaged...

...your own audition so Ben would get the part.

Well, your way sounds a lot better than mine.

Yeah.

- Yeah. It's not that I'm a bad actor. - No.

No, it's just that, uh, I care so damn much about little Ben...

...that, uh, it was more important for me to see him succeed.

- There you go. Thank you. - Thank you.

- So did he get it? - No.

Ah, what are you gonna do?

Oh, hi. Excuse me. Is Rachel Green here? I'm supposed to meet her for lunch.

Oh, she doesn't come down anymore. You can find her up on 10.

Okay, great.

So we talked about the presentation at lunch.

He wondered if one person would be enough for me to take on the trip.

And I said, "Yeah, absolutely."

I'll catch you guys later.