Original subtitles

- Hey. - Hey, ha, ha.

Monica?

What time is it?

Uh, 9.

But it's dark out.

Um, well, that's because you always sleep till noon, silly.

This is what 9 looks like.

I guess I'll get washed up then.

Watch that sunrise.

I'm really getting tired of sneaking around all the time.

I know, me too. Hey, what if we went away for the whole weekend? No interruptions.

And we could be naked the entire time.

All weekend?

- That's a whole lot of naked. - Mm-hm.

Yeah, I could say I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing.

Oh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair in Jersey!

Ha, ha, okay. You know you're not, though.

- Right. Okay. - Let's go.

Wait. What about Joey?

Hey, guess what I'm doing this weekend.

Going to this culinary fair in Jersey.

How weird! Chandler just told us he's got a conference there. Huh.

Oh, that's funny, ha, ha. Seems like Chandler's conference could've been...

...in Connecticut or Vermont.

I'm not in charge of where the conference is held.

Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her. - No, she's out shopping.

- Damn. - What's going on?

I told Emily to come.

And I just need to, you know, talk to Rachel about it.

Wait a minute.

So when Emily comes, you're not gonna see Rachel anymore?

I'm focusing on the "I get to see my wife" part, all right...

...and not on the part that makes me do this, huh?

So you'll never be in the same room together? How is that even gonna work?

I have no idea. I mean...

But I assure you, I will figure it out.

It doesn't seem like it's gonna work.

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

- Hey. - Hey.

What's going on?

We're flipping Monica's mattress.

So I'm thinking, basically, we pick it up, and then we flip it.

That's better than my way.

Oh, hey, guys, would you flip mine too?

- Oh, man. - Oh.

Oh, look! A letter from my mom.

So, Rach?

You know how Emily's coming, right?

Oh, yeah. I know.

Can you hear anything?

Oh, yeah, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?"

Hey, Joey's ass.

What are you doing?

Remember when they got in that big fight and broke up...

...and we were all stuck in here all night with no food?

Well, when Ross said "Rachel" at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again.

You know? So I hid this in here.

Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles...

Ooh, Mad Libs. Mine!

Condoms?

Hey, you don't know how long we're gonna be in here.

We may have to re-populate the Earth.

And condoms are the way to do that?

Anyway, it all boils down to this.

- The last time I talked to Emily... - Aah! Oh, my God! Our dog died!

- What? - Oh, my God. LaPooh, our dog!

LaPooh's still alive?

Oh! It says he was hit by an ice-cream truck and dragged for...

...19 blocks!

- Oh! Oh, my God. - Sweetie, we heard you crying.

- Please don't cry. - It's LaPooh!

I know, it's LaPooh right now but it'll get better.

I can't believe it! We're here!

Ooh, chocolates on the pillows! Oh, I love that!

You should live with Joey. Rolos everywhere.

- Oh. Okay, I'll be right back. - Okay.

Oh, yes!

Monica, get in here. It's a high-speed car chase on!

We're switching rooms.

Oh, dear God, they gave us glasses!

No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them.

If they didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change.

Oh, come on, sweetie. I just want this weekend to be perfect, okay?

- We can change rooms, can't we? - Okay.

Okay, but let's do it now, though, because Chopper 5 just lost its feed!

Hey, so, uh...

You know how there was something I wanted to talk to you about?

Oh, yeah.

Well...

...you know I'm trying to work things out with Emily.

Mm-hm.

Well, there's this...

...one thing.

Okay, here goes.

I made a promise that... Oh, hey.

- What? - Your nose is bleeding.

- Oh, God! - You're bleeding.

Ah. Ah, not again.

This happened when my grandfather died.

It's... Ugh, sorry.

Oh, gross, unh.

Okay. So I'm sorry. What did you wanna tell me?

- Um... - Ugh.

Sorry. Sorry.

Okay.

I, uh...

I can't see you anymore.

Yeah, I know, it's ridiculous. I can't see you, either.

I think you'll find this room more to your liking.

Okay, great.

They say he's only got half a tank left.

Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!

- We're switching rooms again. - What? Why?

This is a garden-view room and we paid for an ocean-view room.

Our last ocean-view room was unacceptable to you.

Excuse me. Um, can I talk to you over here for just a second?

Uh-huh.

- Chandler. - Yeah?

Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride. I won't let them.

We're not a couple of suckers.

I hear you, Mugsy.

But, look, all these rooms are fine.

Okay? Can you just pick one so I can watch the...

Have a perfect, magical weekend together with you?

- Okay, this one I like. - Nothing.

Nothing. It's over.

Damn it, this is regularly scheduled programming!

Can we turn the TV off, okay?

Do we really wanna spend the weekend like this?

I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room-switching fun?

- Ha, ha, don't blame me for ruining tonight. - Who should I blame?

The nice bellman who had to drag our luggage to 10 rooms?

Or the idiot who thought he could drive...

...from Albany to Canada on a half a tank of gas?

Do not speak ill of the dead.

We're supposed to be spending a romantic weekend together.

What's the matter with you?

I just wanna watch a little television. What's the big deal?

Jeez, relax, Mom.

What did you say?

I said, "Jeez, relax, Mon."

Hey.

Rachel, I've been wanting to tell you something and I just have to get it out.

Okay. All right. What's up?

Okay.

You know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage?

Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.

And while that was good advice, you should know that what she wants...

Yeah?

...is for me not to see you anymore.

Well, that's crazy. You can't do that. What are you gonna tell her?

Oh, my God.

Oh, you've already agreed to this, haven't you?

It's awful, I know. Uh, it's... Heh.

I mean, I feel terrible, but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work.

And I do. I have to make this marriage work. I have to.

But the good thing is, we can still see each other until she gets here.

Oh!

Oh, lucky me! Oh, my God! That is good news, Ross!

I think that's the best news I've heard since LaPooh died!

You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. Uh, this is so hard.

Oh, yeah, really? Is it, Ross?

- Well, let me make this a little easier for you. - What are you doing?

- Storming out. - Rachel, this is your apartment.

Yeah? Well, that's how mad I am!

Damn Rolos!

- Hey, you're back. - Hey.

How was your conference?

It was terrible. I fought with my colleagues for the entire time.

Are you kidding with this?

Uh, so your weekend was a bust?

Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator.

- Hi. - Hey, you're back too.

Yeah. Um, Chandler, could I talk to you outside for a second?

- How was your chef thing? - Ugh. It was awful.

I guess some people don't appreciate really good food.

Maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first...

...but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.

- Chandler. - Monica.

I wanna know how much the room was. I'll pay my half.

Okay, fine. $300.

- Three hundred dollars? - Yeah. Just think of it as $25 per room.

What are you guys woofing about?

Chandler stole a 20 from my purse!

No!

You know what? Now that I think about it...

...I constantly find myself without 20s, and you...

...always have lots.

You should've seen the look on her face.

I don't want Rachel to hate me. I don't know what to do.

- You want my advice? - Yes. Please.

- You're not gonna like it. - That's okay.

You got married too fast.

- That's not advice. - I told you.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I don't think I could do it.

Me neither.

Maybe I could do it.

- Hi. - Hey.

I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross.

But I've been obsessing about it all day and would love not to talk about it.

Uh, I don't know if this falls under that category...

...but, uh, Ross is right back there.

- That's not Ross. - Oh, no, not that guy.

He does look like him, though.

Okay. Ross is in the bathroom.

Oh, my God. It's happening. It's already started. I'm Kip.

- What? - Yeah, you're not Kip.

Do you even know who Kip is?

Who cares? You're Rachel.

Who's Kip?

Kip, my old roommate. We all hung out together.

- Oh, that poor bastard. - Mm-hm.

See? You told me the story. He and Monica dated.

They broke up, they couldn't be in the same room.

You all promised you'd stay his friend.

And what happened? He got phased out.

- You're not gonna be phased out. - Well, of course I am.

It won't happen to Ross. He's your brother, your old college roommate.

It was a matter of time before someone had to leave the group.

I always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.

Honey, come on, you live far away, you're not related.

You lift right out.

Hey.

Hey, Mr. Bing.

That, uh, hotel you stayed at called.

Said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.

Yes, that was mine.

I figured you hooked up with some girl and she left it.

Yes, that would have made more sense.

You know, I don't even feel like I know you anymore, man.

All right, uh, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time, all right?

And whatever you say, I'll believe you.

Were you or were you not...

...on a gay cruise?

Phoebe.

I'm sorry about the whole lifting-out thing.

You gotta come with me.

- Come where? - Wherever I go.

Come on, you and me, we'll start a new group. We're the best ones.

Okay, but try to get Joey too.

Pheebs, do you mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Bye, Ross.

Forever.

- Ahem. - Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?

I talked to Monica.

Look, I'm the one who made the choice.

I'm the one who's making things change.

So I should be the one to, you know, step back.

- Oh, Ross... - No, no, it's okay. Really.

Plenty of people just see their sisters at Thanksgiving...

...and just see their college roommates at reunions...

...and just see Joey at Burger King.

So is that better?

No, it's not better.

I still don't get to see you.

Well, what would you do, Rach? If you were me, what would you do?

Well...

...for starters, I would have said the right name at my wedding.

I can't believe this is happening.

I know.

I am so sorry.

I know that too.

Ahem. Hey, Rach?

Sorry to interrupt, but, uh, Phoebe said you wanted to talk to me about a trip.

- Hey. - Hi.

I just came over to drop off...

...nothing.

So that weekend kind of sucked, huh?

Yeah, it did.

So I guess this is over?

- What? - Well, you know, you and me.

I mean, it had to end sometime.

Why exactly?

Because of the weekend. We had a fight.

Chandler, that's crazy.

Ha, ha. If you give up every time you have a fight with someone...

...you'd never be with anyone longer than...

Oh.

So this isn't over?

You are so cute!

No, no. It was a fight.

You deal with it and you move on. It's nothing to freak out about.

- Really? Okay, great. - Heh.

Aw. Welcome to an adult relationship.

We're in a relationship?

- I'm afraid so. - Okay.

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.

Yeah, saw him waiting for an elevator.

Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler? I lost mine.

Yeah, it's in the bathroom.

Oh! Oh!

- Joey, can I talk to you for a second? - Ooh, oh!

- Joey, I need to talk to you. - Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Yes.

You? And you?

Yes, but you cannot tell anyone. No one knows.

But how? When?

- It happened in London. - In London!

The reason we didn't tell anyone was we didn't wanna make a big deal out of it.

But it is a big deal! I have to tell someone!

No, no, no. You can't.

Please, please. We just don't wanna deal with telling everyone.

Please, just promise you won't tell.

All right.

Man, this is unbelievable!

I mean, it's great! But...

- I know. It's great! Ha, ha. - Ha, ha.

Oh, I don't wanna see that!

We're so stupid.

Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey.

"The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe. Heh.

If you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, 'Hi, Phoebe!"'

Oh, that's cute. We really all enjoyed it.

- But you know it doesn't count. - For what?

Just count in our heads as good Mad Libs.

- I guess fun time's over. - Yeah, I'm done.

Wait, guys, if we follow the rules...

...it's still fun and it means something.

I'm gonna take off.

Guys, rules are good!

Rules help control the fun.

Oh!