Original subtitles

Oh, man.

- What is that? - Treeger's snaking the shower drain.

What in the name of hell?

Maybe he found your flip-flop.

- Hey. - Whoa.

Is this porn?

What did I do? I must have hit something on the remote.

Do we pay for this?

No, we didn't even pay our cable bill.

Maybe this is how they punish us.

Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill. Free phone sex.

Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill.

Whoa, hey, that lady's all kinds of naked.

Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just came on.

It happened to me once. I was flipping through the channels and, bam.

- It was like finding money. - Finding money with naked people on it.

Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV.

I never got it back again.

And I'm sad.

Why would he turn off the TV?

All right, you know what? Do we really have to watch this while we eat?

No, no, no.

We don't know what could make this go away.

Yeah, so no one touches the remote, and no one touches the TV.

And no one touches the air around the TV.

Imagine a protective porn bubble, if you will.

- I'm at least going to mute it. - No, no, no.

- We still have porn. - Yeah.

- Hi. - Hey.

Honey, what are you doing?

- That's too heavy. Give it here. - Yeah.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Ugh.

I'm getting too pregnant for this... Lugging around a stupid massage table.

I have to find a job where I carry a smaller table.

Or a job where you don't have to carry a table.

You mean, like a doctor?

Pheebs, you're blocking the porn. Look out.

Oh!

Oh, my.

Oh, that reminds me. I have to see my ob-gyn today.

- Hi. - Hi.

So, uh, Emily just went to the airport.

Aw. Why didn't you take her?

Ehh, her uncle had planned on doing it.

And you know, we said our goodbyes this morning, so...

You must feel horrible. Hey, the guys have free porn.

No.

Hey, cheer up. You're gonna see her again, right?

Well, that's the thing. I don't know.

I mean, whenever I brought it up with her, she said:

"This is so fantastic. Why do we have to talk about the future?

- Let's enjoy..." - Don't do the accent.

You've got to see her again.

Why do you care?

Because.

You could get to live out my fantasy.

You've had fantasies about Emily?

No. You know, the fantasy.

Meet someone from a strange land...

...fall madly in love and spend the rest of your lives together.

Is that why, in junior high...

...you were the only one who hung out with that Ukrainian kid?

Yeah, that, but plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything.

Do you love her?

We said it was only gonna be two weeks, you know?

You love her.

What is love, really?

I knew you loved her.

You need to go to the airport and tell her.

You're probably gonna catch her just as she's about to go to the gate.

You're gonna call out her name and yell, "I love you."

She's gonna say, "I love you too."

Then you guys are gonna have the most amazing kiss.

Everyone at the gate will applaud.

I am a good kisser.

Then you two can sneak into the cockpit.

Things will start to heat up.

And then a stewardess comes in...

I've been watching too much porn.

- Is that the heartbeat? - That's it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow. This is so cool.

Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?

Why don't we just take care of this one?

And should I get pregnant again, I'll hold onto your card, okay?

No, I'm getting three separate heartbeats.

Three? You guys were worried I wouldn't even have one.

- Doctors are wrong all the time. - Well...

Well, so are you sure that there are three?

- Definitely. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Ha, ha.

So in a few months...

...I'm gonna have three full-grown babies just walking around inside me?

Oh, oh. And it's gonna be like one of those log rides...

...when they just come shooting out.

Giving birth to three babies is not that different than giving birth to one.

What do you know?

- Phoebe. - Oh! Hi.

So how'd it go at the doctor's?

Oh, well, okay. Hey.

You know how, when you're, um, walking down the street...

...and you see three people in a row.

And you say "Oh, that's nice."

- Yes. - Okay.

Yeah, well, good news. You're gonna have three babies. Aah!

- Three babies? Uh-huh.

Oh, oh!

I've finally got my band.

We're gonna have a big family! I always wanted a big family!

Oh, God. I'm so glad you guys are happy. I was so afraid you we're gonna be freaked.

- Oh. - Why would we be freaked?

No, because maybe it's harder to raise them and the added expense. Ugh!

- Oh. - Right.

No, back to happy. Back to happy!

No, no, no. It's gonna be fine...

...because, um...

Because I teach Home Ec.

And I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long.

You know, it'll be like my very own little sweatshop.

You know, I've been thinking...

...ever since you said that we're gonna have triplets.

The best thing for me to do is drop out of college and get a job.

- Frank. - No, you can't quit college. No.

You're in college? Really?

- Yeah, refrigerator college. - Yeah.

Yeah, you know, when we found out we were gonna have a baby...

...I figured, you know, I should have, like, a career, you know?

- And I love refrigerators. - Yeah.

You can't give up on your dream. Ugh.

No, it's okay. We're gonna have three kids.

And that's a different kind of dream.

Three kids and no money.

This is the boarding call for Flight 009.

Emily.

Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

I just... I had to see you one more time before you took off.

You are so sweet.

That's a big candy bar.

I had the most amazing time with you.

Me too.

This is the final boarding call for Flight 009.

Well, that's me.

Here, have this.

I'm only allowed one piece of carry-on anyway.

Wait, uh...

Listen, I have to tell you something.

I've been thinking.

I'm just going to come out and say it, okay? Uh...

I think...

...I love you.

Oh.

Thank you.

It's no problem.

What is that song that has been in my head all day?

It's the theme from Good Will Humping.

You know who doesn't even like dirty movies?

- My new boyfriend Joshua. - Yeah, right.

No, he told me he prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.

Oh, oh, yeah. Did he also say that he thought some of the dialogue was corny?

And that he actually found it funny, not sexy?

Yes.

Yeah, he likes porn.

Where you going?

I'm gonna find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny.

- Hey, Pheebs. - Hi.

- Hi. Hey. - How'd it go with Frank and Alice?

Frank has to quit college...

...because his super-fertile sister is having three babies. Ugh.

I need to make a lot of money really fast.

And I had an idea that I wanted to talk to you about...

...because you work for a big company. Okay.

Insider trading.

What information is there that you can give me?

Well, actually, they don't really talk to us about that stuff.

I can get you some free White-Out, though.

Huh! Did you do what I said? Did you tell her?

- I did. - And what did she say?

"Thank you."

You're totally welcome. What'd she say?

She said, "Thank you."

I said, "I love you."

And she said, "Thank you."

Oh, wait. Did you say you love her?

Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?

What do I do now?

You play hard-to-get.

She already lives in London.

So you go to Tokyo.

All right, look, forget it.

Okay, forget it. You told her you love her. It's over.

It is not over. You're over.

What?

You know.

Okay.

Good one.

It's not over because she's gonna call you and tell you she loves you.

The reason why she couldn't is because her feelings were so strong that it scared her.

Now, you go home and you wait for her call.

She could be calling you from the plane. Come on, go.

Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over.

No, wait, wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, you know, to see what's going on...

...and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't.

Then it's over.

Way to be strong, man.

- Hi. - Hey.

Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television?

We need a porn break.

We spent the last two hours watching In and Out and In Again.

Well, so why don't you just turn it off?

Because then we'd be the guys who turned off free porn.

Oh, good, you're here.

Hey.

What you got there?

Oh, this? Well, I'm glad you asked.

Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can...

...with an ordinary steak knife?

Ha.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Pregnant woman slays four?

They didn't make you pay for those knives, did they?

- No. - Are you sure?

No.

You're not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice by selling knives.

No, no. I know that.

But I just need to make enough money for the second part of my plan.

- What's the second part of your plan? - My Saturn dealership.

Hello?

Ross?

Emily. Hi.

Uh, how was your flight?

It was dreadful.

Uh, I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those wonderful things.

No, no, that's all right. Um...

I'm just glad you called.

Ross, um, there's something that I've got to tell you.

There's someone else.

Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?

She doesn't know which one of us she wants.

Me or this "Colin" guy.

This isn't how it was supposed to go. I mean, there can't be another guy.

Well...

Of course there's another guy.

Heh. This is even more perfect.

Now you have to prove your love.

I'm not proving anything, okay? I'm done listening to you.

If I hadn't let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place...

...I wouldn't have put my fist through the wall.

You put your fist through the wall?

No, I missed and hit the door.

But it opened really hard.

- You have to go to London. - What?

Yep. You have to go fight for her.

Oh, yeah, sure. That makes sense.

Because you already told her you loved her, and she didn't say it back.

Then she called you and told you there was another guy.

So yeah. Go to London. That will scare her.

When Rachel was with Paolo, what did you do?

I made fun of his accent.

You sat back and let him have her. You didn't fight at all. Am I right?

You want the same thing to happen with Emily?

- No. - All right, then.

Go fight for her. Go to London.

I mean, that could be you and Emily.

That, but nicer.

Just go to London.

- Really? - Come on.

Surprise her. Show up at her doorstep. Don't let her go without a fight.

- All right. All right. I'm going to do it. - All right.

I'm gonna go to London, and I am gonna fight for her.

Okay. Good luck.

Ross, Ross. If you're going to the airport...

...can you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars?

Oh, oh, I did it. I did it. I figured out a way to make money.

I'm gonna open up my own massage place and Frank's gonna help me.

And we can work it around his schedule, so he doesn't have to quit school.

La-la-la.

That sounds great. But how can you afford it?

We were walking down the street...

...and we saw that van you used for catering.

- And we realized... - I'm telling it. I'm telling it.

Okay, you know how people need transportation...

...but they also need massages to relax?

So I just figured we could combine the two. Okay, I give the massages and Frank drives.

I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back and you know what I've got?

A place that no one will ever get out of alive?

No, think about it. It's a taxi that people take when they need to relax.

It's a Relaxi-Taxi.

The name was my favorite part.

- Well, I came up with it. - You did not!

Oh!

No. You came up with Relaxi-Cab. That's not good.

- Hello? - Hey.

Oh, my God. Ross, are you in England? Was Emily surprised?

No, because she hasn't come home yet.

And she hasn't been home all night.

She's obviously staying with that other guy.

And I'm the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her apartment.

All right, when is the next flight out?

About four hours.

Okay, just stay there a couple more hours. If she doesn't show up, come home.

Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi.

And ask him if he thinks that is better than Relaxi-Cab.

It's not Relaxi-Cab. It's Relaxi-Cab. Like Taxi-Cab.

Ooh, that is better.

Are we in London?

Why are you doing here? You can't be here.

I've come to talk to Ross.

What?

Nothing. No, nothing.

I was gonna call him...

Oh, you came to tell him you love him. I knew it!

I was right! I'm right, right?

I'd really rather talk to him.

I've been to his apartment and he's not there.

And I need to talk to him.

So do you have any idea where he is?

Ross, are you there?

Ross, I don't know if you can hear this, but I'm gonna talk anyway.

I'm in the States with your sister and your friends.

And it's all over with Colin.

I came here to tell you that and to tell you...

Yes, Joey, you can have all the chocolate you want. Just take it.

I came here to tell you that I love you.

I love you too.

I'm gonna call you right now from the phone booth.

You can't hear me.

I wish I could know if you'd heard any of that.

I suppose I've either told you that I love you or given my neighbors a good laugh.

Mrs. Newman, if you're listening, bugger off. This is none of your business.

Suppose there's not much chance you did hear that.

And there's the call waiting...

...so I should go.

Oh, well.

Hello?

Hi.

Ross, I love you.

Oh.

Thank you.

- Hey. - Hey.

I was just at the bank and there was this really hot teller.

And she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault.

Same kind of thing happened to me.

Woman pizza delivery guy comes over...

...gives me the pizza, takes the money and leaves.

What, no "Nice apartment, bet the bedrooms are huge"?

No, nothing.

You know what? We have to turn off the porn.

I think you're right.

All right, ready?

- One. - Two.

- Three. - Three.

That's kind of nice.

- Yeah, that's kind of a relief. - Yeah.

- You want to see if we still have it? - Yeah.

Free porn! We have free porn!