Original subtitles

I'm can't believe I'm getting my nails done.

And you said it was gonna be fun.

Which it kind of is.

You said there were gonna be other guys. There are no other guys.

- Chandler, there's a guy right over there. - That's a mailman.

That's our mailman.

Hi, how are you?

Chandler, don't worry. This doesn't make you any less of a guy.

That does.

What am I sitting on?

Heh. I'd hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.

- Know who used to have nails like that? - No.

Oh, my God.

Joey, let me ask you a question. This has been driving me crazy.

- What does this light switch do? - Oh, nothing.

Didn't it drive you crazy to not know what it did?

I know what it did. Nothing.

They wouldn't have put it there if it didn't do something.

- How can you not care? - Like this:

Well, here's another question for you.

Do you know what that little silver knob on the toilet does?

- Sure. It flushes it. - Okay, good.

Now, since you know, when you come over, would you mind actually using it?

- Hello. - Hey. Aah!

- Oh, my God. Wow. - Guess who we ran into today?

- Janice. - Is this amazing?

- How have you been? - Well, um, I'm divorced.

- Wow. - Really?

Yeah, I'm riding the alimony pony.

And there it is.

I just came up to say hi. Hi.

- You, sweetie, I'll see you later. - Okay.

Mwah. I'll see you tonight.

- Bye. Bye. - Bye. Bye.

- Bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye. - Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Oh.

I can't stand the woman.

What? I thought you were crazy about her.

You know all those little annoying things she did before we fell in love?

You know, like her voice and her laugh and her personality?

Well, they're all back, you know.

And she's picked up like nine new ones.

So, what are you doing bringing her here? There's people here.

Don't worry about it. I'm taking care of it tonight.

You are not. You have never been able to break up with her.

Well, I don't have to break up with her.

We're not involved. I'm gonna do a preemptive strike.

I'm gonna end it with her before it starts.

My ass is, like, frozen.

Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes.

I'm telling you.

I can't believe you really walk alone here at night.

I mean, you hear such stories about New York.

No, it's really not that bad.

I mean, I, for one, feel perfectly safe.

Help! Help! Help!

No, no, no, Ross. Ross, these are friends of mine from home.

- Liam, Devon, this is Ross. - Oh. Heh.

- Hi, mate. - Hey.

- How are you, man? - Ha, ha.

That was a good one, huh? I was like, "Help! Help!"

So how are you?

I've been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived...

...but, um, well, I've been rather busy.

You realize we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert?

- Ah. - Oh, my God, I think you're right.

Well, actually, the last time you and I saw each other was the next morning.

Ha, ha. Oh, Liam.

Heh. Oh, Liam.

So, what, were you guys playing soccer or something?

Or should I call it...

..."football"? Uh...

We were playing rugby.

In fact, we're playing a game tomorrow. You're welcome to play too.

Ha, ha. Ross play rugby? I don't think so.

Heh. What?

What's so funny about that?

Well, I mean, you're American, to start with.

You don't really have rugby here.

Heh. Well, we didn't have freedom here until 1776 either, so...

So good, then. We'll see you at Riverside Park at 2.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Oh, boy. I just love to sing.

Yes, I know that you do.

One of the reasons people were complaining...

...was because most of the people had paid to hear the actor sing "Old Man River."

Oh, look at us.

Who would've thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails?

Okay, we have to talk.

I'm just getting out of a very serious relationship.

I know. And I'm just getting out of a marriage.

I mean, talk about meant to be.

Right. But I just think this is happening too soon.

Oh, too soon, too schmoon.

Face it, honey, I am not letting you get away this time.

- I hear you. - Ha, ha.

But unfortunately, my company...

...is transferring me overseas.

Oh, no.

Where to?

- To Paris? - No. No, not Paris.

To London? Oh. No, Rome? Vienna? Ooh, ooh. Barcelona?

Okay, could you just stop talking for a second?

Yemen.

That's right. Yes. I'm being transferred to Yemen.

- When? - I don't know exactly.

Well, I will just have to soak up every ounce of Chandler Bing...

...until that moment comes.

But I do know it's sometime tomorrow.

- Done? - Yep.

- Hey. - Hey.

What's up?

This switch thing has been driving me crazy.

So I turned it off and checked every outlet.

Now, four don't work, which means one of them has to be controlled by the switch.

So I plugged in things in all four outlets that make noise.

That way, when I turn it on, I just follow the noise...

...and find out which one it is.

I bet I stopped listening before you did.

You know, you also could have used lamps...

...and then followed the light.

Yeah, well, I'm using noise. Okay?

All right, so everybody ready?

Here we go.

There's something. I hear something. Where is it?

It's coming from Joey.

Oh, my God. That's so freaky. Turn him off.

With the set scrum in center field.

- Oh, hey. - Hi.

Could we put on the news? I think it might be raining.

No, just hold on a sec. I'm watching this rugby thing on ESPN.

I don't know what the big deal is. I'm man enough to play this sport.

Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.

Hey there, Ross.

Hey.

Janice.

You know, uh, you really didn't have to help me pack.

Oh. When you said all you were gonna be doing...

...between now and the time you leave is packing...

...you really didn't leave me much choice.

Well, I thought I did, but I guess I did not.

- Hey. What's going on? - Oh, I'm packing.

You know, I'm packing because I'm moving to Yemen tomorrow.

Thanks for telling me.

I'm only pretend-moving to Yemen, okay? It's the only way I can get rid of her.

Oh. Good one.

And Yemen. That actually sounds like a real country.

Hey, Chandler, come on.

I'm gonna show you how to roll your underwear and stuff it in your shoes.

- It's a real space-saver. - I do that because it makes me look taller.

Hey, Chandler. Come on.

Okay.

- Joey, trade lives with me. - Nope.

Man, look at this. Ross, I can't believe you said you'd play.

- Look how brutal this is. - Hey, I can handle it, all right?

Oh, please, Ross.

You got hurt playing badminton with my dad.

That's because your mom's dog kept looking at me.

Okay, Ross, look, look, look. Right here, it's called a "scrum," okay?

- It's kind of like a huddle. - And is a hum kind of like a scruddle?

Ross, they're gonna kill you.

Why are you doing this, anyway?

Well, you should've seen the guy that she used to go out with.

I mean, he's like Joe Rugby.

You're kidding. And he plays rugby? That's so funny.

Oh, I see. You did that. All right.

Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was, like, hilarious.

So I'm gonna show her how tough I really am.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're right. You are a tough guy.

You're the toughest paleontologist I know.

All right, come on.

Look, Ross can take care of himself. It's not like he's Chandler.

Thanks.

Look, don't worry about me.

I'll just look real energetic and stay away from the ball.

I'll be that guy, right outside the circle.

- Ooh. - Oh!

Oh, jeez.

Oh. Well, maybe there was a dog looking at him.

Okay, Ross, Ross, Ross.

You're gonna wanna stay away from that guy and that guy and that one.

Dude, they're all huge.

They don't look any bigger than me.

That's because you're closer to you.

So you look bigger to you from where you are.

I'm just gonna go and say hello to the lads.

- All right. - Okay.

Hi.

Oh.

I kind of liked it.

Okay, I know what I've gotta do. I've gotta go Red Ross.

You know, Red Ross?

Totally don't know what you're talking about.

That time that we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves...

...and that one guy cut in front of us, and I just lost it?

Huh? Screamed at him, turned all red.

Red Ross!

No.

You'll see.

Liam, do me a favor.

Tell the lads to go easy on Ross. It's his first time.

You don't say?

- Thanks. - Okay.

Good luck, babe.

Ross. Ross, come on, get in here.

Ross, come on.

Ross.

Ross, come on, get in the bloody scrum.

Ross, get in.

Joey!

Oh. You are not gonna believe it. Joshua came in today, and guess what.

- He asked you out? - No.

But I was showing him some cuff links, and I felt his pulse.

Saucy.

- What are these? - Oh. Electrical plans for the building.

Okay, okay, okay, should I be scared?

I know that switch has gotta do something. So I went to City Hall and I got these.

All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours.

Wow. If only more people knew.

You know, you really didn't have to take me to the airport.

Oh, please. Every moment is precious.

Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with your luggage.

And your friends don't seem to care very much that you're leaving.

Well, we're not really that close.

Okay. So I guess this is, uh, you know, goodbye, then.

Oh, no, no.

It's not goodbye. I'm not leaving until you get on that plane.

Okay, well, I guess it's just "wait here," then.

Hi. I need a fake ticket to Yemen.

- One ticket to Yemen? - Oh, no, no, no.

I just need a pretend ticket.

I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand.

What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?

Are you traveling with a child?

No.

Oh. She's gonna think that I'm handing you a credit card.

But what I'm really gonna do is hand you a library card.

Uh, sir, a ticket to Yemen is $2100, and we don't take library cards.

What's the matter? Is something wrong?

Do you have to stay?

American Express?

Ross!

- Oh. - Ah.

I can't believe they're doing that to him. I told them to go easy on him.

No offense, but sometimes it's hard to understand you...

...you know, with the accent, so...

- That's just halftime. There's more of this. - Oh.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey.

Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game.

- Right. - Do me a favor? Grab me a bottle of water?

- Yeah. - Thanks.

- I think I'm dying. I really do. - Oh, poor baby.

Tell my son that I love him.

Oh, excellent. Okay, gotta have some more fun.

Ross, they are killing you out there.

- That's not true. - She's right. You have to stop.

What? No. No, I'm not stopping. I'm Red Ross.

Dude, you go back out there, you're gonna be Dead Ross.

I don't care. I am not quitting. I am gonna finish this game.

All right. If you insist on doing this, at least let me help you.

God, no. That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything.

That's not what I was saying.

I just might know a few things that could help you inflict some pain.

- I like that. - Yeah? Listen closely.

- Devon has got a weak ankle. - Huh?

One swift kick and he'll back off.

All right, bad ankle. Got it.

- And that big bloke with the beard? - Uh-huh.

- He's got a trick hip. - Ha, ha.

Yeah. And David over there, I heard that he doesn't wear a cup.

Real...? I could use that. Trick hip, no cup. Okay, okay.

And Liam. Liam's got bad knees.

You hit him right and he'll go down like a lamp.

But Liam's on my team.

- I don't care. You just get him. - Go get him.

Okay. I am going back in.

Red Ross. Yeah.

- Hi. - Hi.

What are these?

Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up.

I thought they'd brighten up the place. They do, don't you think?

- Aah! - No, no, don't, don't.

Oh!

I know that there's no hole there. I just really like that picture.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

But there is a wire back there. That switch is connected to something.

I don't care. The wires have come loose in your head.

I thought if I could follow the wire, I could find out what it did.

- And did you? - No.

It disappears back behind that baseboard.

For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs.

But it didn't.

- Say hello to Mrs. Catrokis. - Oh, my God.

- Hello, darling. - Hello, Mrs. Catrokis.

Are you sure you don't wanna go see a doctor?

Oh, no, that'll just bring me down.

This was great. I mean, I was great. This was a great day.

You know what? I'm buying everyone coffee.

Someone just grab my wallet. It's in my pocket.

- Yeah, sure. - No, not you.

Okay.

Look, your eye's still popping out a little. I'm gonna go get some ice.

- Okay. - Ooh, ice, yeah. I'm so in the mood for ice.

- You were amazing out there. - Oh.

- I kind of was, wasn't I? - Oh, my God.

I made a man twice my size cry.

I mean, I haven't done that since I was 4 and I washed my dad's Porsche with rocks.

You really enjoyed yourself, didn't you?

Please, are you kidding? I hurt three huge men.

I gave a guy a bloody nose.

I mean, I'm not proud of it...

...but I really am.

And it's all because of you.

- Yeah. Wonderful, amazing you. - I think you've got a concussion.

No, no, I'm serious. Thank you.

You're welcome.

- I'm sorry. Did that hurt you? - It's worth the pain.

You know what? You know what? It's not.

This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.

Well, I guess I gotta go.

Oh. My Bing-a-ling.

I'll wait for you.

Do you even know how long you're gonna be gone?

Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.

Oh. Well, I'll write you every day.

15 Yemen Road, Yemen.

Okay. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- Chandler? - No.

Chandler.

Janice. There you are. There you are. I had to have one last kiss.

And also, also, you said you were gonna leave right after I got on the plane.

No. No. I wanna see you take off.

Well, then I guess I'm going to Yemen.

I'm going to Yemen.

When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?

All right. The super couldn't figure out what it did.

The $200-an-hour electrician couldn't figure out what it did.

I've had seven pretty serious shocks.

- I officially give up. - Thank God.

I guess Joey was right.

It does nothing.

See?

I'm doing it. I am totally doing it.

I lost it.