Original subtitles

Hey, wouldn't it be cool if our duck and our chick had a little baby?

We could call it Chuck.

Or Dick.

- Hey. Hey.

Listen, I need a favor.

I was in the shower, and as I was...

...cleansing myself, I, uh... Well, I felt something.

Was it like a sneeze, only better?

No, no. I mean, like, a thing on my body.

Well, what was it?

Well, I don't know. It's kind of in a place that's not...

It's not visually accessible to me. And I was hoping maybe you guys...

...could help me out.

- Whoa! - Whoa! No.

Come on, you guys. It's no big deal.

Hey, hey, hey.

Huh.

Well, what is it? Is it a mole?

No, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.

Ew. Is it...? What, a pimple?

No, it's...

...fancier than a pimple.

- Look, Ross, just go see a doc... - Guys, what's...?

Okay, well, it's definite. Two more weeks of winter.

- Yeah, right. - Ah.

And, um, this is the coffeehouse. This is where I play my music.

- Good deal. - Yeah, and these are my friends.

People? This is Vince. Vince, the people.

Hi.

- Hey. - Vince is a fireman.

Wow. Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before?

Ninety-eight hot saves. Highest on the force.

Well, you know, if Joey and I play with matches...

...we could get you up to an even 100.

- Fire safety is not a joke, son. - Ha, ha. Oh.

You're right. I know.

Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight.

- See you Saturday. - Okay.

Wow, he's cute, Pheebs.

But I thought you just started dating that teacher.

- Oh, Jason? Yeah.

Uh-huh. We're seeing each other tonight. Ahem.

Well, Pheebs?

Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you.

I know, I know. I'm, like, playing the field, you know?

I'm juggling two guys. I'm sowing my wild oats, you know?

You know, this kind of, like, you know, oat-sowing, field-playing juggler.

So, Pheebs, do they know about each other?

Does a dog's lips move when he reads?

Okay, no, they don't know.

- Hey, guys. Hi.

Well? - How'd it go at the doctor's?

Well, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about. It's totally benign.

- Well, what is it? - He couldn't even tell me.

He said it was just some sort of skin abnormality.

And the worse thing is, he said not being able to identify it...

...he was reluctant to remove it.

You know what? You should go to my guy.

Because when I went in there with my third nipple...

...he just lopped it right off, you know? - Yeah?

- So I guess I'm lucky. - Heh.

I mean, not as lucky as people who are born with two nipples.

At least they knew what yours was. You know? Yours had a name.

Oh. Maybe they'll name yours after you.

You know? They'd call it The Ross.

And then people would be, like, "Oh, he's got a Ross. "

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Pete's breaking up with me.

What?

Yeah, I just checked my messages.

He said that when he gets back from Atlanta, "We need to talk. "

- And? Well, that's it.

People never say, "We need to talk," unless it's something bad.

Whoa. That doesn't necessarily mean he's breaking up with you.

Yeah. - Really?

Yeah. Maybe he just cheated on you.

And I know I'll never get rich doing it, but I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool...

...knowing you're making a difference in a kid's life.

That is so great.

- Oh, my God. - Oh.

- Oh, my God! - Ooh.

- Uh, we'd better call the fire department. - No. No.

- No, no? - Well, we don't need a fireman.

We need, like, a good mechanic.

Oh, my God. Here they come. We gotta get out of here.

Wait. Why?

Look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one, okay?

That's all it is, a third nipple.

You know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Yeah.

You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off.

Take your shirt off and let's see what we're dealing with here.

What are you doing?

Just showing you my run-of-the-mill, slice-it-right-off third nipple.

- Well, that's not a third nipple. - Oh?

First of all, it's on your ass.

Well, then what is it?

Wait a minute. Hold it.

- Jansen, will you come in here a moment? I'm with Hamilton.

He's good with weird things. Bring him in too.

I gotta go water Pete's plants.

You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.

Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants...

...if you know what I mean.

Or, ha, ha...

...we could go over there and pee on them.

I can't take it, you know?

I'm always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other.

It's making me crazy.

Well, honey, why don't you break up with one of them?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to playing the field?

Well, it doesn't feel like playing anymore.

It's feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field.

- So, Pheebs, pick one of them. - Yeah, which one do you like more?

Well, Vince is great, you know? Because he's, like, a "guy" guy.

You know? He's just so burly, so very burly.

Okay, good. So there you go. Go with Vince.

Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.

- Well, sensitive is important. Pick him. - Yeah.

Oh, sure. Go with the sissy.

Jason is not a sissy.

Oh, no, no, no. I meant Chandler.

You know, I have dinner plans.

Thank you so much for coming on such a short notice.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been practicing medicine for 23 years...

...and I'm stumped.

Okay, this is the den.

All right, check this out. Lights.

Whoa. All right, less lights. Bad lights.

Lights, go away.

Aw, see? You just need to find the right command.

Yes. And the dimmer switch.

Whoa. For a rich guy, that's a pretty small TV.

No, no, no. That's the videophone.

But hey, guys, you're not supposed to be here, so please don't touch anything.

IKEA, this is comfortable.

This place is amazing.

- Oh, God. That is the nicest kitchen. - I know.

No, no. It's the nicest kitchen.

The refrigerator told me to have a great day.

Look at this, a millionaire's checkbook.

Joey, put that down.

Oh, my God, that's Pete. Okay, get out.

- How the hell do you answer a videophone? - Monica?

I guess that's how.

Hey, Monica, how's it going?

Oh, it's good. It's, um... It's good.

Just here, watering the plants.

Well, don't forget that ficus over there by Rachel.

Ha. Chandler's on the couch.

Yeah, I see him. You guys are just the worst hiders ever.

- Hi, Pete. - How you doing?

Uh, Pete, um...

The other day when you said you needed to talk...

...um, just so I know, is it good news or bad news?

Oh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news.

Hold on a second, I have another call.

Hey, how's it going?

No, no, no, it's still me.

No, it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm gonna have to call you back later.

Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back.

Oh. Oh, okay. Um, so I'll see you soon.

- Okay. I love you. - I love you.

We love you too.

Okay.

Well, it's good news. It's good news.

- So, what do you think the good news is? Look at this.

He wrote a check for $50,000 to Hugo Lindgren's Ring Design.

Oh. Sorry. Uh, what do you think the good news is?

Oh, my.

Monica's gonna marry a millionaire.

Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom. Call Mom.

Hello?

And that's Pete's mom. Ha, ha.

No, Mon, you have to make it a theme wedding.

And the theme could be:

"Look How Much Money We've Got. "

You know? I mean, you could put money in the invitations.

You could have, like, little-money place settings.

And, uh, you could start with a money salad.

I mean, it'll be dry, but people will like it.

Would you stop?

We've only gone out a couple of weeks. We don't know if he'll propose.

Yes, but this is Pete, okay? He's not like other people.

On your first date, he took you to Rome.

For most guys, that's like a third or fourth date kind of thing.

Well, if that's what it is, then it's crazy.

Monica's right. We're talking about getting married here.

Okay? She can't just rush into this.

Oh, what do you know? You married a lesbian.

All right. I gotta go. I have to break up with Vince.

Oh. So you're going with the teacher, huh?

Yeah. I like Vince a lot, you know? But Jason is so sensitive, you know?

And in the long run, I think sensitive is better than having...

...just, like, a really, really, really nice body.

Jason. Definitely Jason.

- Wish me luck. Good luck.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet.

Excuse me. Um, is Vince here?

Oh, sure.

- Vince. Yo.

Wow. I didn't know you guys actually used those.

So, what's up?

Um...

Wow.

This isn't gonna be easy. Um...

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

Uh-huh.

Good deal.

- I'm sorry. - No, it's okay.

It's just that, uh, I thought we had something pretty special here.

An you know, I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to.

There's so much in me I haven't shared with you yet.

- Oh, my God. I didn't know you were so... - I'm sorry. I can't talk.

I'm gonna go write in my journal.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

I'm telling you, if you wanna take care of that thing, go see my herbal guy.

Thank you, but I wanna remove it, Pheebs. I don't wanna make it savory.

You know, when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body...

...they tell their friends about it.

Give me that.

Hi. Okay, don't be mad at me, but I couldn't resist.

Bride's magazines?

Yes, and I know that you said you'd say no if he asked you...

...but I'm sorry, how great would you look walking down the aisle...

...in this Donna Karan?

Oh, you so would.

Oh, you should get that anyway.

Well, for clubbing.

It is so weird.

I know what I said. But, um, this morning...

...I was lying in bed, I was imagining what it'd be like to say yes.

I know it's a little sudden, and it's rushed...

...and it's totally not like me to do something like this.

But that doesn't mean I can't. Right?

I mean, I'm crazy about Pete.

And I know that we want the same things.

And when I thought about saying yes...

...it made me really happy.

Oh, my God.

I know.

I need more pie.

Hey, Mon, um, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?

You didn't break up with that fireman?

No, that was my way of telling you.

Well, it turns out he's incredibly sensitive.

He keeps a journal and he paints.

He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.

Wow.

He'd prefer watercolors, but, you know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

So then are you gonna dump Jason?

Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone and...

Okay, so Jason is sensitive. But now, so is Vince.

Plus Vince has the body. You know?

So...

It's really just about the math.

- Jason. Yeah, come on in.

Uh, Phoebe, you sounded serious on the phone.

Is, uh, anything wrong?

No.

You must be Ross.

- Hi. - I am Guru Saj.

Listen, I gotta tell you, I've never been to a guru before, so...

Well, relax. If it makes you feel any better, I've attended...

...some of the finest medical schools in Central America.

Well, then, let's take a look at this skin abnormality of yours.

Come on, have a seat.

Aha.

Aha. As I suspected, it's a kundus.

What's a "kundus"?

I don't know. What's a kundus with you?

Please lie down.

I've got a salve that ought to shrink that right up.

Well, I guess it's worth a try.

Oh, sure. We should see results...

Whoa! Clearly not the way to go.

What? What?

We appear to have angered it.

We? We angered it?

Oh. I think I see the problem.

And I'm afraid we're gonna have to use a much stronger tool.

Love.

Oh, God.

Ross, there is absolutely no way this is gonna come off...

...unless you start to... - Ow.

- Oops. - What was that?

Well, it's gone.

How's that?

Got caught in my watch.

Hey, ha, ha.

Lights.

Uh, romantic lights.

Ooh, nice. Ha, ha.

So, uh, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.

Oh, right. I completely forgot about that.

Well, uh...

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

And I look at my life...

Yeah?

- And I feel like I've conquered the business world.

And I feel like I've conquered the intellectual world.

And now I have the most beautiful woman in the world.

Wow.

But there's one thing missing.

What's that?

It's time for me to conquer the physical world.

Okay.

Monica? I wanna become...

...the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

You wanna what?

I wanna become the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

It's the most intense physical competition in the world.

It's banned in 49 states.

What are you talking about?

Okay, my trainer, Hoshi, is teaching me...

...a combination of Jeet Kune Do and Brazilian street-fighting.

I even had my own octagon training ring designed.

And I suppose you used a ring designer for that.

Yeah.

Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win.

I want you close enough to smell the blood.

What do you think?

My parents will be so happy.

Crazy underwear Creeping up my butt

Crazy underwear Always in a rut

Crazy underwear

Oh, no. What is he doing here?

All right, just keep playing, just keep playing.

You'll get through this. You'll be fine.

Okay, thank you.

And as always, no one talk to me after the show.

Hey.

I just was passing by and saw you were playing.

This is kind of cool, seeing you up there.

Well, hey.

Whoa, hey, hey.

What's going on here? Who's this guy?

I don't know. He just started kissing me. Get him, Vince.

What?

Yeah, okay, I've been dating both of you.

And it's been really horrible, because, you know, it's been...

...a lot of fun for me.

But I like you both...

...and I didn't know how to choose.

So I'm sorry. I'm terrible. I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible.

Phoebe, Phoebe. Relax. It's okay. I mean...

We never said this was exclusive.

Yeah, neither did we. So give yourself a break.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, you know, we haven't been going out that long.

Come on, we haven't even slept together yet. Ha, ha.

You haven't?

- You have? - Okay, well, this is none of my business.

I can't believe this. You slept with him?

Well, I made you a candlelight dinner in the park.

You know, Phoebe, I'm gonna make this real easy for you.

Well, that could've been really awkward.

You made him a candlelight dinner in the park?

Yeah, but I can do that for you. I'm gonna do that for you.

You know, I can't believe I went out with somebody...

...who'd actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooded area.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Okay, Dick?

Hello. I am Guru Saj.

Whoa.

He's supposed to be a duck, right? Because otherwise...

...this is way out of my league.

Yeah, yeah. He's got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can't do anything about it.

- Is there something you can do? - Hmm.

Let me see.

Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?