Original subtitles

Here you go, Pheebs.

Who wants one of my special home-baked brownies?

I'll have one.

Agh! Ugh.

- That's okay. - I'm not having one.

No, no. It's just my tooth.

- All right. - I'll have one.

So you need a dentist? I've got a good one.

Thanks. I have a good one too. I just can't see him.

See, that is the problem with invisible dentists.

Why can't you go to him?

Because every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.

That's so weird. Every time I go to the dentist...

...I look down the hygienist's blouse.

Phoebe, what, um?

What?

First, it was my Aunt Mary.

And then there was, um, John, my mailman.

And then my cowboy friend, Albino Bob.

Ahem. And all these people actually died?

Yes. While I was in the chair.

That's why I take care of my teeth. It's not about oral hygiene.

I floss to save lives.

Come on, you didn't kill anybody.

These people just happened to die when you went to the dentist.

It's just a coincidence.

Tell that to them. Oh, you can't! They're dead!

Thanks, Gunther.

- Hi. - Hey.

Um, can I get a napkin too?

Oh, like you don't already have everything.

Ow!

You're in pain. Would you just go to the dentist? Just go.

Fine. But if you're my next victim...

...don't come back as a poltergeist who sucks me into the TV set.

I promise.

Although, don't feel like you can't visit.

Hey, is Chandler here?

No. No, he's not.

You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.

- Huh? Oh! What?

What are you gonna do? How are you gonna tell Chandler?

I was thinking about that. I think the best way would be...

...to not.

Joey, if you know about this, you have to tell him.

It'll kill him. It'll just kill him.

Wait till I go to the dentist. Maybe I'll kill him.

Ew!

Ugly Naked Guy's using a hammock. It's like a Play-Doh fat factory.

I'm going to the dentist. So listen...

...just be on the lookout for anything that you could fall into...

...or that can fall on you...

...or...

All right, just look out!

Okay? And, um, I also just want to...

I just want to tell you all that, um...

I have a problem. I have to go into work for a few hours.

Some kids messed up the Homo sapien display.

What did they do?

They painted over the word "sapien," for one thing.

Then they rearranged the figures. Let's just leave it at that.

Do you want me to watch Ben for you?

Yes, that's what I was gonna ask. Thank you.

Woah, wait, hello! Heh, what about me?

You. You want to watch Ben?

That would be great! I just asked Monica...

...because I know how empty her life is.

- Hey, Ross? I got a science question. - Yeah. Mm-hm.

If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, "homo" sapiens...

...is that why they're extinct?

Joey, Homo sapiens are people.

Hey, I'm not judging.

Look, Benny! Spoon!

Spoon!

Come on. All right, you know what? I think he's bored.

Here. You wanna play the airplane game?

You wanna show Rachel? Come here.

You wanna do something fun? Okay.

Whee!

Whee! Ha, ha, oh!

You're so brave. You're so brave! Yes, you are.

- You're so brave. - You're okay.

He's fine. Let's just put him down.

Come here, babe. Yes, you're such a good boy.

How could you do that to him? Ross trusted me! What's he gonna say?

Nothing, because we're not telling him.

- We're not? - No.

- All right, I like that. - Okay.

So we're okay. We're okay, aren't we?

No, we're not okay. There's a bump.

- There's a bump. - What bump?

Oh, my God! Well, push it in! Push it in!

I can not push it in!

- Okay, we're gonna need a distraction. - Okay.

- That's it. - Okay.

- I got it! - Okay.

- The second Ross walks in... - Yeah.

...take him to your bedroom and do whatever you do that makes him go:

Or...

...we could put a hat on his head.

A hat! Yes! We need a hat! Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat?

Oh, oh, oh! I'll get Rainy Day Bear!

Because he'll know what to do?

Oh, my God. You're a genius!

Oh, God. It's kind of sewn on.

- Give it. Give it. - Okay.

- Oh! - Oh.

Agh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today!

Hey, hold on a second. Hold on a second.

Do you think these pearls are nice?

I'd prefer a mountain bike.

Janice's birthday's coming. I wanna get her something special.

- Come in here with me. - Woah, woah, whoa, wait. Woah.

You wanna get her something special? Get her flowers.

Get her candy. Get her gum. Girls love gum.

That's a good idea. "Dear Janice: Have a Hubba-Bubba birthday. "

I'd like to get her something serious.

Oh, you want something serious.

You know what you should do? You should get her one of those, um...

...barium enemas.

Those are dead serious.

Look, I'm gonna go in here. And you don't buy me anything, ever!

You can't! You can't. You can't buy her pearls.

You just can't, you can't, you can't!

Why not?

Oh, God. Uh, okay.

Here's the thing. Ahem.

This is the thing. Okay, the thing is...

- What is the thing? - Okay.

I went down to the Mattress King's showroom...

...and I saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.

What?

They were in his office.

Well, she... She wouldn't do that. She's with me.

I'm telling you, I saw it.

Well, you're wrong. Okay? You're wrong.

I'm not wrong.

I wish I was.

I'm sorry.

Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now, huh?

It makes more sense as an ensemble. And it takes the focus off the hat.

Oh! You're alive! You're alive!

See? I promised you no one would die, didn't I?

We'll see about that. Can I use your phone to call everyone I know?

Sure. We have no money. Go ahead.

Hey, you're not dead! Okay, see you.

Monica.

Oh, my God! He just said my name!

- Did you hear that? - Yeah.

Monica bang!

Ahem. Okay, I heard that.

- Did he just say, "Monica bang"? - Mm-hm.

Oh, my God! He's gonna rat me out!

- Monica bang! - Oh, ho, ho.

Sweetie, you need to stop saying that now.

It's no big deal. It's not even worth mentioning.

You see? We all do it all the time.

See? Watch this.

Ben, Ben, Ben. Ow.

Monica bang! Everybody bang!

Ben bang!

Rachel bang!

Bang, Rachel! Bang!

- Oh, isn't it fun? - Look at that! Look at that!

We all do it!

- Okay, I'm stopping now. - Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. You know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.

How's my Bing-a-ling?

Uh...

I don't know.

You tell me.

Anything you, uh, want to tell me?

Because if you, uh... You should...

You would tell me.

Why are your eyes so wide?

You tell me.

Maybe it's because I was just fooling around with my ex.

Oh, no. No, no, no. That was you!

Oh, my God!

- All right! - How did you know?

Joey told me. He saw you two kissing.

In the park?

No. In his office. How many kisses were there?

- Just those two! - Wh...? Why? Why?

Why was there kissing? There should be no kissing!

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'm so, so...

I'm so, so sorry. I just...

What happened was I... I can't breathe.

Can you get me a bag or something? Aah.

- Here. Here. - Aah.

There.

- It's the receipt. - I'll take it.

Look, I've got to know.

Are you finished with me?

Are you finished with him?

Do you still love him?

Do you still love me?

All right, look...

...I'm gonna need an actual answer here, okay?

So which is it?

Him or me?

I don't know.

Okay, if you're alive, you answer your phone!

Ben, I won't tell your daddy that you had ice cream before dinner...

...if you won't tell him about our little bonking incident.

Number one, I don't think Ben understands the concept of bribery.

And number two, I...

What?

You said "number two. "

I also said "number one. "

Ha-ha-ha, I know.

- Hey, everyone! - Hi!

How's my little boy?

He's perfect. Aren't you, Ben?

- He's never been better. - What did you do, take him whaling?

Monica.

Oh, my God! He just said your name! That's great! Good job, Ben!

Monica bang!

Ha-ha-ha. That's right.

That's what I'd sound like if I exploded.

Woo-hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know...

...and everyone is alive!

- Huh. What?

Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still.

Oh, my God, I killed another one!

The curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.

Maybe he's just taking a nap.

I'm telling you, he hasn't moved since this morning.

We should call somebody.

Tell them the naked guy we stare at isn't moving?

We've got to find out if he's alive.

How are we gonna do that? There's no way.

Well, there is one way.

His window's open. I say...

...we poke him.

Hey!

You know how we, uh, save all those chopsticks...

...for no reason when we get Chinese food?

Yeah?

Well, now we got a reason.

What?

Well, we're fashioning a very long poking device.

All right.

Hey, uh, what's the matter?

I talked to Janice.

Oh, my God. Is she going back to him?

She doesn't know.

Says she loves us both.

I woke up this morning, I was in love.

I was happy!

It serves me right for buying that 12-pack of condoms.

And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the receipt!

What are you, uh...? What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

You know? What would you do?

Uh, it doesn't matter what I'd do.

Come on. Come on. Tell me.

All right, you, uh...

...you probably won't want to hear this, but, uh...

...if it was me, and this is just me, I would, uh...

- I would bow out. - What?

What are you talking about?

They have a kid together...

...you know? They're like...

They're, like, a family.

And if, I don't know...

...if there's a chance they can make that work...

...I wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the way.

You okay?

You, uh?

You wanna come poke a nude guy?

- Well, he's finally asleep. - Mm.

About that, uh, bump on his head...

Are you, uh, sure it's a new bump?

No offense, but I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy-headed child.

It's okay if he bumps his head. Kids bump their heads all the time.

It was your first time babysitting. You did your best.

- I did! - I know.

You just have to watch them all the time.

I did! I watched! I watched!

I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!

Monica did it?

- Monica? Um... - Yeah.

Did you notice anything weird about Ben today?

No, why?

I was just playing with him, and we were doing the "Alphabet Song"...

...which he's good at. But he left out "E" and "F."

It's like they just, uh, I don't know, fell out of his head.

Really?

Oh, and also, he's walking...

...kind of funny.

It's like his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg.

Yeah, he's in there, just sort of, you know...

Oh, my God! I wrecked your baby!

I hope it's still funny when you're in hell.

You jerk!

You know I love that kid! Monica bang! Monica bang!

Ow.

I'll get the hat.

I have something to tell you.

And I want you to let me get through it...

...because...

...it's not gonna be easy.

Okay.

I think you should go back with Gary.

I don't want to be the guy that breaks up a family.

You know, when my parents split up, it was because of that guy.

Whenever I'd see him, I'd always think:

"You're the reason. You are why they're not together. "

And I hated that guy.

And it didn't matter how nice he was or how happy he made my dad.

Wow!

Yeah, wow.

- It's the right thing to do. - Ugh.

You're right.

Oh, God. But before I can say goodbye...

...there's something I really need you to know.

The way I feel about you...

...it's like I finally understand...

...what Lionel Richie's been singing about.

You know? I mean, what we have...

...it's like movie love.

You're my soul mate.

I can't believe we're not gonna spend the rest of our lives together.

Then don't leave me.

What?

Forget what I said! I was babbling! Pick me!

No, you were right! I gotta give my marriage another chance.

Pssh! No, you don't!

No, I say you have to give your divorce another chance!

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't go.

No, I gotta go.

No. No. No, no.

Honey. Honey. Ha, ha.

- People are looking. - I don't care.

I don't care!

Yeah, um, okay. I'm...

I'm leaving now.

You can't leave! I have your shoe!

Goodbye, Chandler Bing.

Rachel has those in burgundy.

Remember, something this big and long will be very difficult to maneuver.

Fortunately, I have experience in that area.

Can we please focus here? A naked man's life hangs in the balance.

I'm telling you, he's dead.

What we're about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick!

All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke.

Steady.

Okay, a little higher.

Careful of the angle.

Okay, okay. We're approaching the window.

Thread the needle. Thread the needle.

He's alive! He's alive!

And yet we're still poking him.

Okay, retract the device! Retract the device!

- He does not look happy. - Hey, hey.

Now he's showing us his poking device.

Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy! Ha.

I'll hold you close in my arms

I can't resist your charms

And love

Love

I'll be a fool for you

I'm sure

You know I don't mind

Oh, you know I don't mind

Yes

You mean the world to me

- Oh, I know - I know

- I've found - I've found

In you

My endless love

Love

- Lo... Love - Love