Original subtitles

So I told Carl, nobody, no matter how famous their parents are...

...nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.

But of course, this went right in one ear...

I love how he cares so much about stuff.

If I squint, I can pretend he's Alan Alda.

Oh, good. Another dinosaur story.

When are those gonna become extinct?

If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible...

...that would be the best.

What does Rachel see in this guy?

I love Rachel.

I wish she was my wife.

Who's singing?

Hey, when you guys were kids and you played Happy Days...

...who were you? I was always Richie. - I was always Joanie.

Question: Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers" the war cry of your neighborhood?

Ew, ew! It's the Mattress King.

- Don't look. Change the channel. Boo!

Wait. I want to see this. After I divorce him...

...half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.

Despair fills the mattress showroom.

My kingdom is suddenly without a queen.

I'm so depressed...

...I'm going to slash...

...my prices! Check it out!

599 for a California king. 499 for a pillow-top queen set.

I'm going medieval on prices.

What a wank.

Oh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses.

I know. At 499 for a pillow-top queen, who cares about the divorce?

Those babies will sell themselves.

And I'm appalled for you, by the way.

I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king.

Okay. Okay, Daddy. We'll see you tomorrow night. Okay, bye-bye.

- "We"? - Ahem.

- Are, uh, having dinner with my dad tomorrow night. I hope that's okay.

Oh, shoot. Tomorrow's not good.

I'm supposed to, um, fall off the Empire State Building...

...and land on a bicycle with no seat, so...

Ross, my father doesn't hate you.

Please. He refers to me as "Wet-Head. "

Honey, he calls everybody by a nickname.

Okay, look, I know. Just one dinner. Please, one night. For me. Please?

I just want him to love you like I do.

All right. Well, not exactly like I do.

But if you do come to dinner...

...I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.

I'll go.

- Fine. - Thank you.

Hi, Gunther.

Yeah. We'll see.

- Hey, you guys. Hey.

Hey. Hey. - Guess what.

- I got a gig. - Great.

See, that's why I can never be an actor. Because I can't say "gig. "

Yeah, I can't say "croissant. " Oh, my God.

- What's the part? - It's not a part. No.

I'm teaching Acting for Soap Operas at the Learning Extension.

Come on. That's great.

It's like my chance to give something back...

...to the acting community.

You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.

I know.

Ugh. I don't know, Monica. It feels funny just being here.

I mean, if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband...

...that's like betraying Chandler.

Not at these prices.

Hi.

You know, in England this car would be on the other side of the store.

Whoosh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Phoebe, come here.

Ah, this is my new bed.

You gotta feel this bad boy.

Ugh. Monica, it still feels so weird, you know?

Chandler's your friend. Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh. All right, take this bed. You can make other friends. Oh.

Good evening.

I am Mr. Tribbiani.

And I will be teaching Acting for Soap Operas.

Now, um...

...on my first day as Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days of our Lives...

...uh, ahem, I learned that one of the most important things...

...in soap opera acting is reacting.

This does not mean acting again.

It means you don't have a line, but someone else just did.

And it goes something like this. Ahem.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

By the way, before I forget. To work in soap operas...

...some of you are gonna have to become much more attractive.

All right, moving right along...

- Hi. - Hey.

- Oh! How was teaching last night? - Oh, it was great. You get to say stuff like:

"Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you. I dismiss you. "

- Oh, nice. - Yeah.

Oh, and guess what. I got an audition for All My Children.

- Oh, yay! - Yeah, it's this great part.

This boxer named Nick.

And I'm so, so right for it, you know? He's just like me...

...except that he's a boxer...

...and has an evil twin.

Oh.

Dum-datta-dum.

Hear ye, hear ye. Delivery from the Mattress King.

You Miss Geller?

- Okay. - Sign here.

- Ooh. Do I have a middle name? - Mm-hm.

All right. Monica Felula...

...Geller.

It's that bedroom there.

Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?

Yeah. So please, please, please don't say anything to Chandler.

- You want me to lie to Chandler? - Is that a problem?

No.

Oh, hey, hey, Nick the boxer. Let's see what you got.

- Yeah. - All right, put them up. Come on.

- Hey, you're pretty good at this. - Ha, ha.

Yeah, I had to learn. I was staying at the Y...

...and some of the young men weren't acting Christian enough.

Hey, now. Hey.

- Ow. And I'm bleeding. Okay, great. - Oh, oh!

Wow. And I'm a vegetarian.

All right, I'm sorry. We'll put some ice on it.

- Put your head back. Ooh. - Okay. All right.

- I can't see. - I have you.

Oh, God.

Which bedroom do you want it in, Ms. Geller?

Oh. It's the compulsively neat one by the window, okay?

Gotcha.

Hi, Daddy.

This is where they put us?

What? There was no table available in the kitchen?

- Hello, baby. - You remember Ross.

- Mm-hm. - Nice to see you again, Dr. Green.

So.

- How's the library? - Uh, museum.

- What happened to the library? - There never was a library.

I mean, there are libraries. It's just that I, um...

I've never worked at one. Ha, ha.

You know what's really good here?

- The lobster. - Mm.

- What do you say? Shall I just order three? - Yeah, if you're really hungry. Ha, ha.

It was a joke. I made a joke.

Yeah, actually, Daddy, Ross is allergic to lobster.

What kind of person's allergic to lobster?

I guess the kind of person that works in a library. Ha, ha.

- It's not... - I know. It's a museum.

What, you're the only who can make a joke? At least mine was funny.

Uh, waiter.

We will have two lobsters and a menu.

So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat?

They found rust.

- Do you know what rust does to a boat? - Gives it a nice antique-y look?

Rust is boat cancer, Ross.

Wow, I'm sorry.

When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that. Ha, ha.

Excuse me for a moment, will you, please?

I wanna say good night to the Levines before we go.

Okay.

Honey, stop. It's not that bad.

Yeah. Oh.

Uh-oh. I think your dad must have added wrong.

He only tipped, like, 4 percent.

Yeah. Ahem, that's Daddy.

"That's Daddy"? Doesn't it bother you? You're a waitress.

Yes, it bothers me, Ross.

But, you know, if he was a regular at the coffee house...

...I'd be serving him sneezers.

- So? - So, Ross...

...I've bugged him about this a million times. He's not gonna change.

Do you really serve people sneezers?

Ahem, well, um, I don't.

- All right, kids. Ready? - Yes.

- Thanks again, Dr. Green. - Uh-huh.

Wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.

- Oh, you don't need that. - Ahem, why not?

The carbon. It's messy. I mean, gets on your fingers and causes...

...the, uh, night blindness.

What is this?

Who put a 20 down here?

- Huh? - Oh, yeah, that would be me.

Um, I have... I have a problem.

I tip way too much, way, way too much.

- It's a sickness, really. - Yeah, it is. It is.

- We have to do something about that. - Excuse me.

You think I'm cheap?

- He didn't mean anything by that. - Huh?

- He really didn't. - Nothing I do means anything. Really.

This is nice. I pay $200 for dinner.

You put down 20 and you come out looking like Mr. Big-Shot.

- You really wanna be Mr. Big-Shot? - Oh.

Here. I'll tell you what. You pay the whole bill, Mr. Big-Shot. All right?

Well, "Mr. Big-Shot" is better than "Wet-Head. "

Okay, some tricks of the trade.

Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor...

...so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry...

...I cut a hole in my pocket...

...take a pair of tweezers...

...and just start pulling.

Okay. Or uh... Or let's say I want to convey...

...that I've, uh, just done something evil.

Well, that would be your basic I've-got-a fish-hook-in-my-eyebrow-and-I-like-it.

No? Okay. Let's say I've just gotten bad news.

Well, all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.

And that's how it's done.

Great soap opera acting tonight, everybody.

Class dismissed.

- Hey, Mr. Trib. - Hey.

Guess what. I got an audition.

Oh. One of my students got an audition. I'm so proud.

I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it.

- Oh, you bet. What's the part? - Oh, it's great.

It's a role on All My Children. Nick the boxer.

Had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't leave it alone.

Four percent, okay? I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food.

Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along.

Ugh.

Would you see my chiropractor already?

Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to medical school in a mini-mall.

Hey, Pheebs. What are you doing?

I'm... I'm freaking out.

Monica kind of trusted me with something and she shouldn't have.

All right, I haven't lived here in a while, so I have to ask you.

Does Monica still turn the lights on in her bedroom?

- Ahem. Yeah. - I am so dead.

All right, look, here's the bottom line, Ross.

This is fixable if we act fast, okay?

So I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.

Honey, I have tried to make nice. It doesn't work.

Okay. Look, I realize my father is difficult...

...but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here.

Look, sweetie, I could be the bigger man. I could be the biggest man.

I could be a big, huge, giant man and it still wouldn't make a difference.

Except that I could pick your father up and say, "Like me. Like me, tiny doctor. "

Okay, well, can't you just try it one more time, Ross? For me? For me?

Rachel, one brunch is not gonna solve anything.

You've gotta face it. We're never gonna get along.

Okay, well, you are just going to have to.

Okay? I've already got a mother and father who cannot stay in the same room.

I don't want to have a separate room for you too.

Okay, okay. Okay.

I'll get the bagels.

What's this?

Isn't it cool? Vroom. Vroom.

This is not the bed I ordered.

I know. You must have won, like, a contest or something.

Phoebe.

Why is this car in my bedroom?

I'm sorry, okay. I wasn't looking...

...and the store said that they won't take it back because you signed for it.

- When did I sign for it? - When I was you.

You know what? It's all Joey's fault because he left his nose open.

Did you make brownies today?

Knock, knock.

Quick. Take off your dress. He won't notice the bed.

Hey, I'm going for sushi. Does anybody want, uh...?

Whoa. Somebody missed the off-ramp.

It's Monica's bed. What?

Okay...

It's a race car.

So? This has always been Monica's bed. What, you're just noticing now?

How self-involved are you?

Okay, well, if this bed isn't new...

...then how come there's plastic on the mattress?

Sometimes I have bad dreams.

Look...

...I just saw my best friend's brain smeared across the canvas.

It's not gonna be me.

Not me.

Wow.

That was good. That was...

- Tweezers? - No.

Oh, wow.

- That was really good. - Thanks.

Any suggestions?

Hmm, I...

You told him to play the boxer gay?

Well, I might have said "super-gay. "

You totally screwed him over.

Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean, how could you do this?

Because, Monica, the guy's so good.

And I really, really want this part.

Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay.

- Hi, Daddy. - Baby.

- Ross? - Dr. Green, how are you?

Thanks for dinner last night.

Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.

Nice hair. What did you do, swim here?

Okay, that's it. I can't take it anymore.

What, what? He's interested in you.

- He just wants to know how you got here. - Oh, please.

- Sweetie, it's hopeless. I'm just gonna go. - What? Ross.

- I'm sorry. It's just... Ross?

What's with the neck?

He's got this thing and I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor.

You still going to that chiropractor?

That man couldn't get into med school in Ixtapa.

Yeah, thank you. That's what I keep saying.

Excuse me, ahem, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.

Wait a minute. His name is Dr. Bobby?

- Well, that's his last name. - And his first name.

He's Bobby Bobby?

Ahem. It's Robert Bobby.

Oh.

And, um, excuse me. He helps me.

- Oh. Please. Ask her how? - What do you need help for?

With my alignment. One leg's shorter than the other.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah. Argue with that.

What? It's true. My right leg is two inches shorter.

Come on, you're just tilting.

- Her legs are fine. - I know that.

- So why do you let her go to a chiropractor? - I'm sorry, "Let her"?

What can I do? She doesn't listen to me about renter's insurance, either.

Wait a minute. You don't have renter's insurance?

- No. Ahem. - So, what if somebody steals something?

How you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?

Hey, would you, uh...? Would you like some juice?

- I'd love some juice. - Okay.

Well, this is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see?

Yeah, honey. I was standing right there.

Why don't you tell him about the mole I haven't gotten checked?

Excellent.

There will come a time in each of your careers...

...when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor.

I had such an opportunity in the recent present.

And I'm ashamed to say...

...that I took it.

I advised a fellow actor to play a role...

...homosexually.

Yeah.

We both auditioned for the part and, uh...

...as it turned out...

...they...

They liked the stupid gay thing and cast him.

And now...

...he's got a two-year contract...

...opposite Susan Lucci...

...the first lady of daytime television.

And me?

Me, I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people...

...most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Thank you.

- Uh, may I help you? - Yes, hi.

I'm the lady who got stuck with the race-car bed.

Look, it's like I told you. There's nothing I can do.

You signed for it. "Monica Felula Geller. "

All right, jester man, look, we wanna see the king.

Nobody sees the king.

Okay. I'm talking to the king.

Hey, you can't go back there.

Oh, my God.

Hey, watch it, lady.

Hey, good-looking.

All right, I'll leave.

My bed's so boring.