Original subtitles

How did the audition go? - Incredible.

I met the director. You'll never believe who it was.

Who?

I'll give you one hint.

Warren Beatty.

Wow.

There's just one thing that might be a problem.

See, I had to kiss this guy.

Because he was just so darn cute?

No, part of the audition. I'm up for the part of this guy...

...who the main guy kisses.

Well, you're an actor. I say you just suck it up and you do it.

Or you just do it.

I did do it. I'm a professional.

- What's the problem? After the scene...

...Mr. Beatty comes up to me and he says, "Good actor. Bad kisser. "

Can you believe that? Me, not a good kisser.

That's like...

...Mother Teresa, not a good mother. Pfft.

Who cares what that guy thinks?

What does Warren Beatty know about kissing? Heh.

Oh. Heh, heh.

The One With Barry and Mindy's Wedding

What did your agent say?

Yep. This kiss thing is definitely a problem.

Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday.

Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong.

Oh, okay. One of you girls come over here and kiss me.

- Forget it. - Yeah, right.

Hey, come on. I need your help here.

I'll do it. I've kissed him before. I can do it again.

See this, huh? This is a friend.

Uh-huh. Let's go.

Oh, wait. I have gum.

Okay.

Good. Very good. Firm, but tender.

I'd recommend you to a friend.

Then I don't know what the problem is.

Maybe you're not used to kissing men.

Maybe you tensed up a little.

Maybe you need to work on it.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Over my dead body.

And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.

Come out, honey. I'm telling you, you look good.

Tell her she looks good. Tell her she looks good.

Oh, my God! Ha, ha, ha.

You look so good!

I cannot believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people...

...looking like something you drink when you're nauseous.

So don't. I don't see why we have to go to this thing.

It's your ex-fiancé's wedding.

Because I promised Mindy I would.

Yeah, well, you promised Barry you'd marry him.

You guys, I have to go. I'm the maid of honor.

Besides, I need to be in a room again with these people...

...and feel good about myself.

Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Get a little action?

I may have.

Whoo-hoo! Stud!

- What's she look like? We haven't met.

We stayed up all night talking on the Internet.

Whoo-hoo! Geek!

I like this girl. I seriously like this girl.

You know how I tend to get a little defended and quippy?

- Get out. - No. Please.

Well, she called me on it, okay? She said, "Cut it out, get real. "

And I did.

Wow.

What's that like?

It's like this. Me.

No jokes.

Stop it. You're freaking me out.

Yeah. I don't like you this way.

I'll see you guys later.

Bye, Richard. - Bye-bye.

Bye, sweetie. I love you.

I love you too.

I think my boyfriend's ever so dreamy.

I wonder what our wedding will be like.

What are you talking about? What wedding?

Come on. You never talk about that?

No, never.

We're just living in the moment.

It is so nice for once not to get hung up on, "Where is this going?"

- Afraid to ask him? - Could not be more terrified.

I think you should seriously consider marriage.

Give Rachel another chance to dress like Princess Bubble Yum.

Where's Benny?

There he is!

Where's Benny?

There he is!

That's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grownups to cut it out.

Hey, I got a question for you.

Just a little thing, no pressure.

Okay.

Do you ever, uh, think about the future?

Sure, I do.

Yeah? Am I in it?

Honey...

...you are it.

Oh, God. You're about to get so lucky.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Keep talking. - Well...

...sometimes I think about selling my practice.

We could move to France.

- Make French toast. - Ooh.

Okay, so...

...we're in France...

...and we're making the toast.

Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?

Like a hound?

Not a basset.

A bassinet.

You really need the bassinet?

Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog.

- Do you not see kids in our future? - Oh. Heh.

I love children.

I have children.

I don't wanna be 70 when our kids go off to college...

...and our life can finally start.

- Hm. - Look.

I want you...

...now.

Well, that's great. We don't need to talk about this now.

Really, I mean this is so, like, way, way, way in the future.

I'm talking hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet. Heh, heh.

Come on, Chandler. I want this part so much.

Just one kiss. I won't tell anyone.

Joey, no means no.

Hey.

I'm sorry, we don't have your sheep.

Aw, Rach, I think you look cute.

And you. You...

- You, I could eat you with a spoon. - Get away from me. I said no.

Richard buzzed. He's downstairs.

Richard's here? I should run down, say goodbye to him.

Bye. Good luck.

How's your date with your cyber-chick going?

Hey, what is all that?

It's a web site. It's the Guggenheim Museum.

She likes art...

...and I like funny words.

What does she mean by "H.H."?

It means we're holding hands.

Are you the cutest?

I'm afraid I might just be.

I think it's so great that you're totally into this person...

...yet for all you know, she could be 90 years old or have two heads.

It could be a guy.

It's not a guy, all right? I know her.

It could be like a big, giant guy.

Man, I got this close to him, and Monica kneed me in the back.

What's going on?

We're wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.

Ask her how long she's gonna live.

Women live longer than men.

How do you not fall down more?

Okay, ask her what is her method of birth control.

All right.

"My husband is sleeping with his secretary. "

She's married?

At least we know she's a woman.

I can't believe she's married.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

This must be really tough for you.

I read this article that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings...

...because when pigeons eat rice, it kills them.

That's why you never see pigeons in sushi bars.

- See, we're having fun. - Oh, absolutely.

I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not gonna think about.

Neither am I.

Hey, there. Are you all right?

Yeah. But in the bathroom, I saw the window I crawled out of at my wedding.

And, God, I just started thinking I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't.

People are gonna be looking at me and judging me and thinking about the last time.

Sweetie, it's gonna be okay. It's a wedding.

Generally, people focus on the bride.

I know, you're right.

Alrighty. Everybody look at me. Good.

It's time. Bridesmaids and ushers...

...let's see two lines. Thank you.

I'll see you after the thing.

- Okay. Good luck. - Thank you. Okay.

Okay.

Ah.

Why didn't you tell me?

What could I do?

Stand up and shout, "Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!"

Oh, my God. This is so humiliating.

The only thing that tops that was when I was in eighth grade...

...and I had to sing the "Copacabana" in front of the entire school.

Two lines into it, I ran and freaked out.

Oh, my God. My entire life's flashing before my eyes.

Rach, look, I remember that. It wasn't so bad.

Ross, would you stop! You got me. I'm dating you.

Rachel.

Hi, Mr. Weinberg. Hi, Mrs. Weinberg.

It's wonderful to see you again, my dear.

In fact, I hardly expected to see so much.

- You told me you didn't see anything. - I tell you a lot of things.

Well, it's wonderful to have you up and about again, dear.

Stay well.

That's the third time someone has said something like that to me today.

- Rach! Hi.

- Oh, my God, I'm married! - I know!

I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter, hyphen, Farber.

I am so proud of you, Min.

Min.

Oh, Rach. Still here.

At our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now.

Yeah, I love that story.

Ahem. I have a question for you guys.

Why do people keep saying it's good to see me up and about?

After you ran out on your wedding...

...Barry's parents told people you were sort of...

...insane.

- Insane? - From the syphilis.

What?

What were they gonna say? You didn't love me anymore? Come on.

Angela?

Joey Tribbiani.

Listen, what are you doing tonight?

I know you're seeing that guy. I was thinking maybe you could bring him...

Hello? Hello?

You gonna answer her? That's the 10th bing-bong message she's sent.

- She wants to know what's wrong. - What's wrong? You're married!

That's what's wrong!

Oh, my.

- What? - She wants to meet you in person.

Look, Phoebe, I wanted to meet her in person too.

But she's married. She has a husband.

What if the husband is the wrong guy and you are the right guy?

You don't get chances like this all the time.

If you don't meet her, you'll kick yourself when you're 80...

...which is hard to do and that's how you break a hip.

Okay. I'll do it.

Okay, great! Put on your shoes and then march out there and meet her.

No, wait! You have to take a shower because ew!

And I'll get the...

No, you have to answer her. Answer her first.

No, make some coffee because it's too much.

Tall and tan, and young and lovely

Okay, one more, please. I'm gonna get it in this time.

Okay, last chance.

Again, I'm sorry.

You know what, maybe I don't need to have children.

Maybe I just think I do because that's what society...

...and by that I mean my mom...

...has always convinced me that I...

But I want her so badly

I do.

I have to have children. I'm sorry, I just do.

Yo, could I have your attention?

Best man making a toast here.

Thank you. Ahem.

I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel.

Huh?

What? You hired the same band. I can't use the same speech?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Anyway, I wish you both...

...a wonderful life together. Aw.

And, Rachel.

- What? - No, no, in all seriousness.

Not a lot of women would have the guts to come back here.

And even fewer who'd do it with their asses hanging out.

That's it.

I'd like to add something to that.

- What are you adding? What are you adding? - It's okay. It's okay.

Most of you don't know me. I'm Rachel's boyfriend...

Oh, dear God.

...Ross.

And I'd just like to say that...

...it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight.

And just for the record...

...she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis.

What are you doing? I'm serious.

The reason...

...she walked out on Barry is simply that...

...she didn't love him.

Which, incidentally, worked out pretty well for me. Heh, heh.

Cheers.

- See you in the parking lot. - No, Rach.

And once again, she is out of here!

Okay, who had 9:45? Hm?

Heh.

You know what, Bar? I'm not gonna leave.

I probably should, but I'm not.

I promised myself I'd make it through at least one of your weddings.

Tonight, all I wanted was to make it through this evening...

...with a little bit of grace and dignity.

Well, I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen.

I guess there's nothing really left to say...

...except...

Her name was Lola

She was a showgirl

With yellow feath...

Feathers in her hair

And a dress cut down to there

She would...

Merengue - Merengue

Thank you, honey.

And do the cha-cha

And while she'd like to be a star Tony always tended bar

Wait, wait!

Everybody!

Copa

Copacabana

The hottest spot north of Havana

At the Copa

Copacabana

Music and passion were always In fashion at the Copa

There's a somebody I'm longing...

Okay.

I'll do it.

You'll do what?

If kids is what it takes to be with you, then kids it is.

Oh, my God.

If I have to, I'll do it all again.

I'll do the 4:00 feeding thing.

I'll go to the PTA meetings.

I'll coach the soccer team.

- Really? - Yeah, if I have to.

Monica...

...I don't wanna lose you.

So if I have to do it all again...

...then I will.

You are the most wonderful man.

And if you hadn't have said...

..."If I have to," like, 17 times...

...then I'd be saying, "Okay, let's do it. "

But you're not.

Oh, my God. I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say.

I wanna have a baby.

But I don't want to have one with someone who doesn't really want to have one.

God.

I love you.

I know you do.

Me too.

So what now?

I guess we just...

...keep dancing.

Someone to watch

Over me

Where is she? Where is she?

Oh, hey, I have a question.

Where is she?

Chandler. Relax, Chandler. She'll be here.

Oh, oh, oh. That's her.

Yeah, because life's just that kind.

You gotta stop staring at the door...

...like a watched pot.

If you keep looking at it, the door's never gonna boil.

I think what you have to do is try not to...

Oh, my God.

Oh...

...my...

...God.

Oh...

...my...

...God.

All right.

I've been feeling incredibly guilty because I wanna be a good friend.

And damn it, I am a good friend. So shut up and close your eyes.

Wow.

You are a good friend.

The audition was this morning, and I didn't get it.

But that was a hell of a kiss.

Rachel is a very lucky girl.