Original subtitles

Huh? So, what do you think?

Casa de Joey.

Huh? I decorated it myself.

- Get out. No.

Wow, Joey, this is, uh...

- Art. - Art it is.

Well, check this out. Is it a coffee table?

Is it, uh, a panther? There's no need to decide.

Hey, nice pillow.

So tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?

Hey, excellent water-table thing.

Thanks. I love this. But you know what?

It makes me want to pee.

Yeah, me too. I think that's the challenge. Heh.

Hey, how come, uh, Chandler didn't come?

Well, uh, it's because he had a thing with the...

With the thing.

Right. I got it.

Why don't you show us the rest of your casa?

Yeah.

Uh, oh, oh, the best part. Come on.

Huh?

Hey.

Nice toilet.

No, no, no. Behind it.

- You have a phone in here? - That's right.

I have a phone.

In here.

- Joey, promise me something. - Yeah.

Never call me from that phone.

Okay, here we go.

Sorry, they were all out of apple pie. Someone just got the last piece.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You are not gonna believe this.

I have just been discovered.

Wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago.

Anyway.

Promise you won't freak out and say how great this is until I'm done.

Okay. - Okay.

Uh, I just met this producer of this teeny record company...

...who said, ahem, that I have a very fresh, offbeat sound...

...and she wants to do a demo of "Smelly Cat. "

Okay, I told you not to do that yet. Ha, ha.

Okay.

And she wants to do a video.

I'm not done yet, okay? Ha, ha.

God. Okay.

If that goes well, they may even want to make an album.

- I'm done now. Oh, that's great.

That's unbelievable. Oh.

Oh, God, Ross, if you care about me, get the pie out of the man's hood.

- Get the what? - There's a pie in the hood. Go.

- What are you doing? - I'm sorry. My pie was in your hood.

I have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants...

...and I'll be back in the hospital by 7.

Damn it, Ross. Get your butt out of the bathroom.

Calm down. I'm blow-drying.

Blow-drying what? You have no hair.

What's going on?

Uh, your boyfriend has been in there for an hour.

It's like I'm living with him again.

He's here when I go to sleep, when I wake up, when I wanna shower.

Uh, I feel like I'm 16 again.

Well, you're not 16. You're both adults now.

Get out, you doofus!

Or, you know, he's rubber and you're glue.

All yours.

I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain.

- Shut up. - Shut up.

Cut it out.

I've never wanted you more.

So, what do you say, boys? Should I call him?

You know what they say:

Ask your slippers a question...

...you're going crazy.

- Hello? Hey.

Hey.

Listen, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.

Oh, that's okay.

You, uh... You had a thing.

Yeah, well, I hear the place looks great.

Oh, forget about it. I'm having a ball, ha.

How's the apartment doing?

Oh, hey, it's terrific. I mean, it's a regular space...

...fest.

Oh, well, great.

Yeah, I just...

...wanted to call and say hey.

Well, okay, then.

Was that the oven timer?

That's right, my friend.

- It's time for Baywatch! - Baywatch!

Oh.

Can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer?

I can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.

You're saying that because you love Yasmine Bleeth.

How could anyone not love Yasmine Bleeth?

Hey. Hey, they're running.

See, this is the brilliance of the show.

I say always keep them running.

All the time running.

Run.

Run, Yasmine. Run like the wind.

But you wanted to live by yourself.

I did. I thought it'd be great.

I figured I'd have time alone with my thoughts.

But it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler about moving back?

You really think he'd take me?

We had a good talk last night...

...but when I moved out, I hurt him bad.

I promise you, he would definitely want you back.

I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back.

But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. Heh.

I mean, it was...

It was like when we first started living together.

Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now...

...but we've seen him in his new place. And he's happy.

He's decorated.

Look, Chandler, he has moved on, okay? You have to, too.

No, you're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now.

You're not...

...roommates anymore.

Okay, Phoebe. Ready to try one?

Okay. Ahem.

Smelly cat, smelly cat

What are they feeding you?

Smelly, smelly, smelly

Really bad smelling smelly cat

Oh, whoa! Oh, my God!

I mean, like, who was that?

They're your backup singers. Behind you, hon.

Oh.

Oh, I thought they were just watching me.

- Like at an aquarium, you know? - All right.

- From the top. - Okay. Ahem.

Smelly cat, smelly cat

What are they feeding you?

Smelly, smelly, smelly

Really bad smelling smelly cat

It's not your fault

Okay, sorry.

I'm just not getting...

...that everyone, um, gets...

...how smelly this cat actually is.

Maybe if we could talk about this...

...because I need to feel that you really care about the cat.

Honey, we can talk about this.

It's just that it's costing about $100 a minute to be in here.

Oh, okay. So, um, the cat stinks, but you love it. Let's go.

No, there is no way he was a velociraptor.

Look at the cranial ridge, okay?

If Dino was a velociraptor, he'd have eaten the Flintstones.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, were you taking a nap?

- I was. - Oh, I...

Oh, wait, Tony, can you hold on? That's the other line.

Hello?

Yeah, she's here, but, uh, can she call you back?

Okay, thanks.

Call Joanna. Hi.

Did she leave a number?

Did you see me write one down?

I don't have her number, butt-munch.

Well, she'll call back. Don't be such a baby.

I'm not a baby. You're the baby.

- Look, you wanna get off my back? - Get out of my face.

Wait, hold on, Tony. Hold on.

Hello?

Hi.

Yeah, no, she's right here. Um, hold on.

Hi, Tony, can I call you back?

That's, uh... That's my sister's boyfriend.

Give me that.

Okay.

Sweetie, before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your place?

Hi, Mom.

Hey. Yeah, ha, ha.

So, uh, how's the palace?

It's funny you should mention that because I was thinking...

What's with the boxes?

Oh, uh, actually, I, uh, have some news.

Is that Joey guy gonna pick up his moose hat or should I toss it?

Why don't you ask him yourself? This is my new roommate, Eddie.

Nice to meet you.

- Likewise. How you doing?

Uh, I'll take that.

It's, uh, what I came for, heh.

So this is new. Where'd you two meet?

At the, uh, supermarket in the, uh, ethnic-food section.

I helped him pick out a chorizo. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

- It's a... I mean... - Wow.

We got to talking. And, uh, he needed a place, and I had a spare room.

Oh, now it's a spare room?

Well, yeah. In that it's not being used...

...and I have it to spare.

Right.

Well, I, uh, got what I came for.

I'll, uh... I'll see you guys.

Hey, Joe.

When'd you start using moose in your hair?

Is this guy great, or what?

Yeah.

Yeah, he is.

I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?

Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.

It'll never last. He's just a rebound roommate.

- Hey. Hey.

Ooh, check it out. Oh, check it out.

- It's "Smelly Cat," the video. Oh, God.

Now, okay, I haven't seen it yet, so if you don't like it...

...so what? None of you ever made a video.

Okay.

Get out of here, cat! You stink!

Oh, smoking. - Oh, look at me.

Smelly cat, smelly cat

What are they feeding you?

Smelly cat, smelly cat

It's not your fault

Smelly, smelly, smelly

Really bad smelling smelly cat It's not your fault

Smelly cat, smelly cat

- Oh, my God! - I know.

I sound amazing!

They won't take you to the vet

You're obviously not their favorite pet

Smelly cat, smelly cat

It's not your fault

Oh, no

I've never heard myself sing before.

I mean, except in my own head. Oh.

This is so cool. Now I can hear what you hear.

Pretty, uh, different, huh?

Oh, I am sorry, but I'm incredibly talented.

Smelly cat, smelly cat

It's not your fault

Hey, Joey. What's going on, man?

Eddie.

- Morning. - Morning.

I just, uh, came by to pick up my mail.

- Where's the mail? - Oh, it's, uh, over there on the table.

You don't keep it on this table anymore?

No, Eddie likes it over there.

All right, here you go, my friend. Eggs à la Eddie, huh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Oh, oh. That's great.

Huh.

What?

I thought you liked your eggs...

...with the bread with the hole in the middle, à la me.

I do, but, uh, Eddie makes them this way. They're pretty darn good.

Well, you guys...

...I'm out of here.

See you, pals.

See you.

- So how are you two getting along? - Oh, I couldn't be happier.

Great, huh?

I'm happy for you.

All right, that's it!

He just comes in here, Mr. Johnny New Eggs...

...with his moving the mail and his:

"See you, pals. "

And now there's no juice!

There's no juice for the people who need the juice. I need the juice!

There's another carton right over there.

Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, all right, man?

All right.

So, what's it about?

Eggs.

Whose eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?

- Well, I like both eggs equally. - Oh, come on!

Nobody likes two kinds of eggs equally.

You like one better, and I wanna know which.

What's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore.

You took your eggs, and you left!

Did you really expect me to never find new eggs?

I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.

Tough. We're watching Predators of the Serengeti.

- Ugh. - Would you guys stop?

- It's my TV! What?

- Quit it. - Bite me!

Oh, my God.

Well, Monica keeps changing the channel.

Aw, that's great. Why don't you tell Mommy on me?

Now I'm Mommy in this little play?

Look, I refuse to get sucked into...

...this weird little Geller dimension thing, okay?

So I'm gonna go take a nice long hot bubble bath...

...because you kids are driving me crazy!

What do we do about this?

We could tape Entertainment Tonight.

Not that!

This! Us!

Oh, my God, Ross, it's... You're just...

- Since you've been here, you're driving... - Ow, ow.

Mon, you've gone ultrasonic again, all right?

I just can't stand you being here...

...all the time!

Why? Why can't you stand me being here?

We're just having fun.

Fun? You think this is fun?

Yeah.

I thought we were fooling around, like when, uh... When we were kids.

I hated you when we were kids.

- You hated me when we were kids? - Yes.

I hated you.

I loved you in a you're-my-brother- so-I-have-to way...

...but basically, I hated your guts.

Why did you hate me?

Because you were mean to me...

...and you teased me and you always got your way.

That wasn't fun for you?

Uh-huh.

I can't believe you hated me.

But now I love you.

And not just because I have to.

Really?

Yeah.

You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off.

I can do that.

- Then I won't have to kill you. - Ha, ha.

So you wanna watch, uh, Entertainment Tonight?

Yeah, thanks.

Tonight, America's premier sports magazine...

...moves to primetime...

- You know what? - What?

If you really wanna watch that Serengeti thing, we can.

Oh, okay.

- Hey. Hey.

Listen, you are not going to believe this...

...but, ahem, that is not me singing on the video.

No.

Yes.

Well, how did you find out?

The record company sent this paper for me to sign saying it's okay...

...for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.

So, what are you gonna do?

I can't work with people who would do this.

Sure.

I mean, this poor woman.

What woman?

The voice woman.

She has a great voice, but she doesn't have a video.

Okay, Pheebs, but what about you?

I have a video. Pay attention.

No, this voice woman, she's so talented.

But according to the producer people...

...they said, like, she doesn't have the right look or something. You know?

She's like one of those animals at the pound...

...who nobody wants because they're not pretty.

Or, you know, like some old dog who's kind of like stinky and...

Oh, my God! She's smelly cat!

Oh, oh, that song has so many levels.

Hey, Eddie.

You, uh, wanna play some foosball?

No, thanks, man. I'm not, uh... Not really into sports.

Yeah, okay. All right.

Doesn't matter. Time for Baywatch.

Oh, what?

You like that show?

You don't?

Ha, ha, what...? No.

I mean, it's just pretty people running around on the beach.

Well, that's the brilliance of it.

The pretty people.

And the running.

I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.

Oh, oh. Okay, man.

Smelly cat, smelly cat

What are they feeding you?

Everybody!

Smelly cat, smelly cat

It's not your fault

Monica.

They won't take you to the vet

Chandler.

You're obviously not their favorite pet

Joey.

You may not be a bed of roses

And you're no friend To those with noses

Ross, those are the only lines we have. Sorry. Okay. Back to the chorus.