Original subtitles

Can't get the monkey off your back?

Then put it in your mouth...

...with Monkeyshine Beer!

Wow.

Monkeyshine Beer.

Because it's a jungle out there!

That commercial always makes me so sad.

Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and girls run at him...

...so everything works out okay.

I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.

I can see that.

Because they both have those big brown eyes and the little pouty chin.

And the fact that they're both monkeys?

I wonder if I did the right thing, giving him away.

Ross, you had to. He was humping everything in sight.

I mean, I have a Malibu Barbie who will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.

Remember when he'd borrow your hat...

...and when you got it back, there'd be little monkey raisins in it?

When he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat...

All of a sudden, I had this big "attitude problem. "

Hey. Hey.

- Check it out! Guess what I got? - Rhythm?

No. My first fan mail!

Check it out.

"Dear Dr. Ramoray:

Know that I love you and would do anything to have you. "

My gosh! "Your not-so-secret admirer, Erika Ford. "

Oh, wait.

"P.S. Enclosed, please find 14 of my eyelashes. "

You know, in Crazy World, that means you're married.

It's not addressed to Days Of Our Lives. This came to your apartment.

There's no stamp on it. This woman was in our building.

Oh, my God.

I got my very own stalker!

- Hey, guys. Hey.

Hey. Ooh.

Where are you off to?

There's this paleontology conference in L.A.

So I figured I'd go and drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.

I think he will be surprised. Till he realizes he's a monkey...

...and, uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.

Oh, Phoebe? That really cute guy is here again.

Oh? Oh.

Okay, so everyone, ahem...

...pretend I'm telling you a story and it's really funny.

So everyone just laugh. Now!

I know, I know! Oh.

- Hello. - Hi.

Oh.

I'm Rob Donan.

Hi, Rob Donan.

I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really great.

Oh, wow. Ha, ha.

Anyway, I schedule performers for children's libraries.

And I was thinking, have you thought about playing your songs for kids?

Oh, I would love to have kids...

...hear me play the songs that I will write for them.

What do you wanna do for dinner?

We could stay in and cook for ourselves.

- Hello. It's Erika.

Oh, my God. The stalker!

Never mind. It's open.

Aah! Aah!

Yes, hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea.

We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.

Let's get out of here!

The one time they're not home!

Okay. Okay.

We'll leave. When we pass her...

...she won't know me, because we never met!

That's how radio stars escape stalkers!

She's coming!

It's me. - Aah!

Uh, this is it. This is how we're gonna die.

- You ready? - Wait, wait, wait!

Hi.

Erika!

Mr. Geller? - Yes, hi.

Hi. Dean Lipson, zoo administrator.

I was told you had a question.

I, uh... I can't find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchin...

...answers to the name Marcel?

Ah. I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Marcel has passed on.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Well, he got sick, and then he got sicker...

...and then he got a little better.

But then he died.

I can't believe this!

I'm sorry, Mr. Geller. But you know, there's an old saying:

"Sometimes monkeys die. "

It's not a great saying...

...but it certainly is fitting today.

- Someone should've called me. I'm sorry.

Look, I know this can't bring him back...

...but here, it's just a gesture.

Zoo dollars?

Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats.

Well, it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.

Ooh.

I know.

I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker.

What is she like?

- Well, you remember Kathy Bates in Misery? Mm-hm.

Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.

And she's not crazy?

Oh, no, no. She's a total wack job.

Yeah. She thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Ramoray.

Oh, my God!

Oh. And he's going out with her?

He cannot pursue this.

Just because this woman thinks she can see Joey through the magical box...

...in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person.

Does she not deserve happiness? Does she not deserve love?

What are you looking at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.

Are you okay?

No, uh-uh. I'm just nervous.

Maybe if I just picture them all in their underwear...

That's not a good idea. That's the reason the last guy got fired.

Oh.

Yeah.

I'm used to playing for grownups.

Grownups drink their coffee and do their grownup thing, you know.

And kids...

...listen.

It's just a huge responsibility.

What?

Are you gonna kiss me?

I was thinking about it.

Okay.

Yeah, okay. Alrighty. Let's play some tunes!

Hi, everybody. I'm Phoebe.

Hi, Phoebe!

Ha, ha. Okay. Um...

...I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, okay?

Now Grandma's a person Who everyone likes

She bought you a train And a bright shiny bike

But lately she hasn't Been coming to dinner

And last time you saw her She looked so much thinner

Now your mom and your dad said She moved to Peru

But the truth is she died And someday you will too

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

- Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing? - Yeah, it is.

What?

Well, here we sit, devil-may-care...

...and just a little while ago you were reattaching Simone's spinal cord.

Yeah, that was a tricky one.

In reality...

...that operation takes over 10 hours, but they only showed it for two minutes.

Who's "they"?

No one.

Oh, Drake, you are so talented. Let me see those hands.

- Oh, these hands, these beautiful hands. - Ha, ha.

Ha, ha. Oh, I could just eat them.

- But I won't. Ha, ha.

Good. Otherwise my watch would fall off.

No, seriously.

These hands...

...these miracle, magical, life-giving hands.

Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?

- All right. Ha, ha. Just one. - Ha-ha-ha.

Wow.

You're good at that.

Oh, my God! Someone! He's choking!

Is anyone here a doctor?

Oh, yes.

Yes, the best doctor in Salem!

Dr. Drake Ramoray!

Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.

Uh, hey, look. I don't really enjoy being with other men that way.

But, um, zoo dollars?

It's about your monkey.

It's alive.

I don't understand. Why didn't you help that man?

Uh, because, uh, I'm a neurosurgeon...

...and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh...

..."foodal chokage. "

You know.

- I gotta tell you something... - No, no, no.

You don't have to tell me anything.

You don't have to explain yourself to me. Oh!

Who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Ramoray?

- That's... - I should be happy to be near you.

Hey, I...

"Hey" what?

That's it. Just hey!

Like at the end of a dance. Hey!

Hey. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey.

There'll be times when you get older

When you'll want to sleep with people

Just to make them like you But don't

'Cause

That's another thing That you don't wanna do

Everybody!

That's another thing That you don't wanna do

- Excellent! - Very informative!

Not at all inappropriate!

Thank you for coming, everybody. There are cookies in the back.

That was great.

The kids loved you.

Yay! I rock!

And you know why? Because you told the truth.

Nobody ever tells kids the truth.

You were incredible!

Ha, ha. But?

- How did you know there was a "but"? - I sense these things.

It was either "but" or "butter. "

The thing is, I think some of the parents...

...they were hoping that...

...you'd play more songs about barnyard animals.

I can do that.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Because that would be fantastic. - Oh.

What? You wanna kiss me?

I'm thinking about it.

Ah, the bat.

Ambassador of darkness.

Flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger.

Sightless specter of the macabre.

Buddy, my monkey?

Oh, yeah, right.

There was a break-in...

...a few months back. Inside job.

Your monkey was taken.

Oh, my God. The zoo told me that my monkey was dead.

Pfft. The zoo!

You believe everything the zoo tells you?

Uh, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.

Of course they'll say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity.

It's all a great big cover-up.

Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?

That guy Lipson?

Lipson knows?

Hmm.

Lipson knows, huh?

Ah, hello, Mr. Possum.

Enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night.

- Taunting gravity... - Buddy, my monkey. My monkey?

Word on the street...

Well, when I say "street," I mean those little pretend streets here at the zoo.

Of course.

Your monkey found a new career...

...in the entertainment field. That's all I know.

This is unbelievable!

So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?

Are you trying to get me to bribe you?

Maybe.

But you already told me everything.

Check it out. He actually is the Monkeyshine monkey.

Oh, wow. So, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.

That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.

Okay, hi again!

Hi, Phoebe!

Today, we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.

Oh, the cow in the meadow goes "moo"

Oh, the cow in the meadow goes "moo"

Then the farmer hits him on the head And grinds him up

And that's how we get hamburgers

Now chickens

You're the only one who can save her, Drake!

Damn it! I'm a doctor, I'm not God!

Well, there goes my whole belief system.

It's Erika.

Quick! Quick. Shut off the TV.

Wait, I wanna see what happens!

Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma then we make out.

How can that be? You were just kissing Sabrina.

Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neurosurgeon.

Hey, Erika. Come in.

How did you get here so fast? I just saw you in Salem.

Right, they, uh, choppered me in. Ha, ha.

What's up?

Oh, you're having a little party too.

- Is she here, huh, huh? - Who?

Sabrina. I know about you two!

I saw you today, kissing in the doctor's lounge.

It's not what you think. That was...

You told me I was the only one!

All right, look. That's it.

We shouldn't see each other anymore.

I should have told you a long time ago...

...but I am not Drake Ramoray, okay?

I'm not even a doctor. I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.

Oh, my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?

Ha, ha. Somebody wanna help me out here?

Oh, I know! I know!

Where am I?

University Hospital...

...the same place you've been for the last 18 years.

How can you be here and there?

Ha, ha. Because it's a television show.

Drake, what are you getting at?

I'm not Drake!

That's right. He's not Drake. He's...

...Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!

Is this true?

Yes! Yes, it is true.

And I know this...

...because he pretended to be Drake to sleep with me!

And then he told me he would run away with me.

And he didn't!

And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!

Is all this true?

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

You deserve much better than me, Erika.

You deserve to be with the real Drake. He's the one you fell in love with.

Go to Salem. Find him!

He's the guy for you.

Oh, Hans.

Hans?

Hans!

Yo, evil twin!

Right. Uh, goodbye, Erika.

Good luck in Salem.

Take care.

I'll never forget you, Hans.

Ha, ha. All right. The people who threw the water!

Helping you out!

Fired? Why?

The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents...

...about some of the stuff in your songs. - I can't believe it!

Did you tell your board about how the kids want to hear the truth?

No.

I see.

Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs?

No.

What do you want me to be? Like some...

...stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?

You don't have to be Barney.

- Who's Barney? - Eh...

Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this: He's healthy, he's happy...

...and he's here in New York filming Outbreak 2: The Virus Takes Manhattan.

You're kidding!

- This is amazing. - I know.

I finally get a part on TV, and the monkey's making movies.

Okay. Rachel, I'm ready.

Okay.

Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is who tells the truth?

Um, yeah, I guess that's me.

She's here!

Sometimes men love women

And sometimes men love men

And then there are bisexuals

Though some just say They're kidding themselves

La-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la, la-la

This is exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in a year.

What, you never look down in the shower?

Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the "monkey is penis" genre?

Back up, please.

Back up. Come on, come on.

Excuse me. Uh, where can we find the monkey?

I'm sorry. It's a closed set.

I'm sorry, you don't understand. I'm a friend of his.

We, uh, used to live together.

Yeah. And I have a timeshare in the Poconos with Flipper.

Ross, there he is!

Hey! Hey, buddy!

Marcel! Marcel!

In the jungle, the mighty jungle The lion sleeps tonight

In the jungle, the mighty jungle The lion sleeps tonight

They won't take you to the vet

You're obviously not Their favorite pet

- Smelly cat, smelly cat - Smelly cat, smelly cat

- It's not your fault - It's not your fault

No

- Ha-ha-ha. I'm sorry. - What?

What's wrong with that?

Um, ahem, I think you might wanna, like, pick a more masculine note. Heh.