Original subtitles

- Ross kissed me. - No!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It was unbelievable!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We wanna hear everything.

Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone.

- Okay. - Rachel.

Does this end well or do we need to get tissues?

- Oh, it ended very well. - Oh.

Do not start without me! Do not start without me!

Okay. All right. Let's hear about the kiss.

Was it like a soft brush against your lips...

...or was it like a, you know, "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?

Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then...

Oh, God. And then we just sort of sunk into it.

Oh... So, okay, was he holding you? Or were his hands on your back?

No, actually, ahem, first they started out on my waist...

...and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.

- Oh. Oh.

And, uh...

And then I kissed her.

Tongue?

- Yeah. - Cool.

All right, check out this bad boy!

Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500-megabyte hard drive...

...built-in spreadsheet capabilities...

...and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS.

Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

Games and stuff.

There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.

Oh, wait, here's one. Uh...

- Would you be willing to cook naked? - There's an ad for a naked chef?

No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked.

- And then... - Mm.

- Hi. - Hey.

Hey. - Oh, so how'd you make out last night?

That is funny. That is painfully funny.

No, wait, wait.

Yeah, that's just painful.

Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.

Yeah, it was. But I get home, okay...

...and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table...

...and I think, "Oh, my God. What the hell am I doing?"

I mean, here I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman...

...who I care about and who cares about me...

...and am I just gonna throw all that away?

You got all that from saline solution?

Wait a minute. We're talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.

Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for 10 years.

But now I'm with Julie.

You know? So it's like, me and Julie, me and Rachel.

Me and Julie, me and Rach...

Rachel! Rachel.

- Hey, you. - How are you?

Good. How are you?

- Good. Um... Good.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, Julie. Hi, Julie?

Julie!

Um, how are you?

- Good. Good.

So everybody's here.

Everybody's good.

Were you gonna play something?

- Oh. Well, actually... - Play it!

Oh.

All right.

- Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses. - What?

Shh.

Okay. Um, hi.

Hello. Hi. Okay.

So, um... Ahem.

This is a song, um, about a love triangle...

...between three people I made up.

Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night. "

There was a girl We'll call her Betty

And a guy Let's call him Neil

Now I can't stress This point too strongly

This story isn't real

Now our Neil must decide Who will be the girl that he casts aside?

Will Betty be the one Who he loves truly?

Or will it be the one Who we'll call Loolie?

He must decide He must decide

Even though I made him up He must decide

Well, this is a nice résumé.

Nice, nice, nice.

Uh, Mr. Rastatter, what does this job entail? The ad wasn't clear.

Mockolate.

- I'm sorry? - Mockolate.

It's a synthetic chocolate substitute.

Ooh.

- Well, go ahead, try a piece. - Oh.

Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.

- All right. - Ha, ha.

Mm.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

I love how it crumbles.

- You see, chocolate doesn't do that. - Ha-ha-ha. No, ma'am.

Anyhoo, we should be getting our FDA approval any day now.

Ha-ha-ha.

- Hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. - Mm.

See, the way we look at it, chocolate dominates...

...your major food-preparation holidays. Easter, Christmas, what have you.

- Mm-hm. - But we think given the right marketing...

...we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.

Wow.

- Aren't you gonna swallow that? - Ha, ha.

- Just waiting for it to stop bubbling. - Oh.

Yeah. Isn't that great?

- Mm. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, anyhoo, um...

...we're looking for chefs who can create Thanksgiving-themed recipes.

You interested?

Abso...

Ahem.... Lutely!

See, I love creating new recipes, I love Thanksgiving, and, well, now...

...I love Mockolate.

- Really? - Mm.

Especially that aftertaste. You know, I tell you...

...that'll last you till Christmas.

How about Mockolate mousse?

It's not...

...very Thanksgiving-y.

Okay, how about Pilgrim Mockolate mousse?

What makes it Pilgrim?

We'll put buckles on it.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Did Ross call?

No, I'm sorry.

Why didn't he call?

He's gonna stay with Julie.

He's gonna stay with her and she'll be:

"Hi, I'm Julie. Ross picked me.

We'll get married and have lots of kids and dig up stuff together!"

No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.

I don't know what I'll do. What am I gonna do? This is like a complete nightmare!

Oh, I know. This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me!

They're both gorgeous and sexy, my wallet's too small for my 50s...

...and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

- Hey, here's a thought, Ross... - Don't ever touch the computer.

Ross, listen. I got two words for you:

Threesome.

Right, look. Let's get logical about this. We'll make a list.

"Rachel and Julie: Pros and Cons. "

- Oh. - Oh.

We'll put their names in bold with different fonts...

...and I can use different colors for each column.

Can't we just use a pen?

No, Amish boy.

Let's start with the cons because they're more fun.

Ha-ha-ha. Rachel first.

I don't know.

I mean...

All right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.

You could say that.

Yeah.

I guess, you know, sometimes she's a little ditzy, you know?

And I've seen her be a little too into her looks.

Uh. Oh, and Julie and I have a lot in common...

...because we're both paleontologists, right?

But Rachel's just a waitress.

Waitress.

Got it. You guys wanna play "Doom"?

Or we could keep doing this.

What else?

I don't know.

Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.

Okay, let's do Julie.

What's wrong with her?

She's not Rachel.

Okay. This is pumpkin pie with a Mockolate crust.

This is Mockolate cranberry cake, and these are Mockolate-chip cookies.

Just like the Indians served.

Oh, my God!

"Oh, my God" good?

Oh, my God! I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.

Oh! Ugh!

Sweet Lord! Oh, this is what evil must taste like!

I'm telling you, this thing won't print.

Yes, I pressed that button, like, 100 times.

You know, for a hotline, you're not so hot.

What is that in the background?

Are you watching Star Trek?

Hey.

So how'd it go with Julie? Did you break her heart?

Yes.

It was horrible. She cried, I cried. She threw things, they hit me.

Mm.

I did the right thing.

So Spock actually hugs his father?

Hey, do you guys have...?

- Hi. - Hi.

Where you going?

I just got back from, uh...

From Julie's.

Oh.

No, no.

Uh, it's not what you think. Um...

It's the other thing.

Well, heh, ahem, what's the other thing? What do I think?

Well, uh...

He broke up with Julie!

Well, go hug her, for God's sakes!

Really?

Really.

It's always been you, Rach.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, this is good.

- This is really good. - I know. I know.

It's almost...

What do you say we go take a walk? Just us. Not them.

- Okay. Let me get my coat. - Okay. No, hey, whoa, whoa.

I'll get your coat.

Okay.

He's going to get my coat. He's going to get my coat, Joey!

Oh, my God, you guys, I can't believe this! This is unbelievable!

- What's that? What? Nothing!

- What? I saw my name. What is it? - No, no, see? See?

Hey, it's printing!

What is it? Let me see!

Hey, someone order a coat?

Ross, Chandler wrote something about me and he won't let me see.

He won't? He won't!

Because isn't that...

...the short story you were writing?

Yes, it is a short story...

...that I was writing.

And I'm in it? Well, let me read it.

No!

- Come on! - Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her?

All right.

"It was summer.

And it was hot.

- Rachel was there. - Eh?

A lonely gray couch.

'Oh, look! ' cried Ned.

And then the kingdom was his forever. The end!"

That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the world!

This isn't funny anymore.

There's something about me on that piece of paper, and I want to see it.

No, you don't.

All right, you know what? Fine. If you guys wanna be children, that's fine.

- I do not need to see it! - Ha!

No, no, no!

Go, go, go!

Ooh.

What is this?

That is...

No, no, no. Ah...

Ross, what is this?

Thank you. Good luck.

Okay. Just remember how crazy I am about you, okay?

"Kind of ditzy"?

Ahem. "Too into her looks"?

"Spoiled"?

A little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little," the idiot!

"Just a waitress"?

Now, that was, uh...

I mean, as opposed to, uh...

The, um... Okay, is this over yet? Rach?

Ah! I do not have chubby ankles!

No! I... No. Rach, Rach...

Okay, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.

"She's not Rachem"?

- No... - What the hell's a Rachem?

- No, no... - Is that some stupid paleontology word...

...that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress?

No. Rach, come on! Rach...

Rach! Rach! No, no!

It's "She's not Rachel"! She's not...

Rachel?

My diary. My diary! That's brilliant!

If I'd said it was my diary, she wouldn't have made me read it.

No, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.

I cannot believe Ross even made this list.

- I know. - What a dinkus!

Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.

- What? - What?

Oh, good. I was hoping that would come up.

- This was your idea? What?

Let's get some perspective here, okay? These things happen for a reason.

Yeah. You!

All right, Pheebs, back me up here. You believe in that karma crap, don't you?

Yeah. Listen, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

Rach! Whoa...

Rach!

Hey! Uh, open up! Please?

When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means, "Go away. "

That doesn't mean, "Climb up the fire escape. "

I just want to read you something, your "Pro List. "

Not interested.

Okay, okay.

"Number one: The way you cry at game shows. Aw.

Number two: How much you love your friends.

Number three: The way you play with your hair when you're nervous.

Number four: How brave you are for starting your life over.

Number five: How great you are with Ben.

Number six: The way you smell. "

What are you doing?

Joey, you wanna open the window?

Oh, yeah.

- What are you doing out there? - I'm, um...

My gosh, you must be freezing. You know what you need?

How about a nice, steaming cup of hot Mockolate?

Rach, come on, open up.

Rach, come on. Come on. You gotta give me another chance.

No.

- No? - That's what I said.

Maybe we should go.

No, you don't have to go. We're done talking.

Rach, come on. I know how you must...

No, you don't, Ross.

Imagine the worst things you think about yourself.

Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world...

...not only thinks them too...

...but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

No, but see, I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.

Oh. Well, that's mighty big of you, Ross.

I said, don't go!

You know what?

If things were the other way around, there is nothing you could put on a list...

...that would ever make me not wanna be with you.

Well, then I guess that's the difference between us.

See, I'd never make a list.

I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this situation before you can talk.

Maybe a little longer.

In some of these recipes, the quantities may seem a little unusual.

Uh, like these coconut Mockolate holiday nut bars?

I've indicated four cups of coconut and four cups of crushed nuts...

...and only one tablespoon of Mockolate.

Doesn't matter.

What?

Our FDA approval didn't come through.

Something about laboratory rats. Huh.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Well, anyhoo, here's your check.

Thank you for all you went through.

Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?

Well, I ate some.

Oh, some. That's fine. Some's not a lot.

- Ha-ha-ha. - Okay.

So it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?

Hello.

Hi.

Is that him again?

Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighing me down.

Listen, I don't think this is the best time.

Look, can you do something for me?

Sure. What?

Okay.

All right.

Music?

- Sure. - Okay.

The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross.

Rachel, he wants you to know he's sorry for what he did...

...and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him.

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side

I'll wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I'll wait without you

Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel...

...and she told us what Ross did.

It's pretty appalling. And, Ross, if you're listening...

...I don't wanna play your song anymore.

Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance?

Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car...

...and she hopes you two will work it out.

There's a room where

I can go and

Tell my secrets to

In my room

In my room, in my room

In my room

Hi.

Thanks for coming in again.

Oh, not at all. I have no morals, and I need the cash.

It's like I'm looking in a mirror. Ha-ha-ha.

Anyway, they're called Fish-tachios.

Now, they taste exactly like pistachios...

...but they're made of reconstituted fish bits.

Here, try one.

- All right. - You're not allergic to anything?

- Uh, cat hair. - Oh, sorry.