Original subtitles

What you guys don't understand is...

...for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

Yeah, right.

You serious?

Oh, yeah.

Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.

- Absolutely. - Yeah, I think, for us...

...kissing is pretty much like an opening act.

I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through...

...before Pink Floyd comes out.

Yeah, and it's not that we don't like the comedian.

It's just that that's not...

...why we bought the ticket.

See, the problem is, though...

...after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was...

...you girls are always looking for the comedian again.

I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic...

...basically just trying to stay awake.

Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian.

Otherwise, you're gonna find yourself...

...sitting at home listening to that album alone.

Are we still talking about sex?

ROSS: No, it's good. It is good.

It's just that, doesn't she seem a little angry?

Well, she has issues.

Does she?

He's out banging other women over the head with a club...

...while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet.

Marsha, see, these are cave people.

Okay, they have issues like:

"Gee, that glacier's getting kind of close." See?

Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?

- No, no. - Yes, it is. Carol, hi.

ROSS: Okay. Yes. Yes, it is.

How about I'll catch up with you in the Ice Age?

- Hi. - Hi.

So...

You look great.

I hate that.

Sorry. Thanks. You look good too.

Well, you know, in here, anyone who...

...stands erect...

- So, what's new? Still a... - A lesbian?

Well...

You never know.

How's, um...? How's the family?

Marty's still totally paranoid.

- Oh, and... - Carol, why are you here, Carol?

- I'm pregnant. - Pregnant.

Oh. Looks like she didn't leave in such a hurry after all.

I think this is the episode of Three's Company...

...where's there's some kind of misunderstanding.

Then I've already seen this one.

Are you through with that? Thanks.

Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.

Whose little ball of paper is this?

Oh, that would be mine.

See, I wrote a note to myself, then I didn't need it.

So I balled it up and now I wish I was dead.

[SCOFFS]

She already fluffed that pillow. Monica, you know, you already fluffed...

But it's fine.

Look, I'm sorry.

I don't want to give them any more ammunition than they have.

Yes, we know how cruel a parent can be...

...about the flatness of a child's pillow.

Monica? Hi. Um...

Monica, um, you're scaring me.

I mean, you're, like, all chaotic and twirly, you know?

Not in a good way.

Yeah, calm down.

You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come.

That's because, as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong.

You see, he's the prince.

Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.

Ew, ew, ew.

- What? - Ugly Naked Guy got a ThighMaster.

Ew.

- Has anybody seen my engagement ring? - Yeah, it's beautiful.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. - No, don't touch that.

Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough having to give it back to him.

"Hi, Barry, remember me? I'm the girl...

...that stomped on your heart in front of your entire family"

Oh, God. Now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring...

...which makes it so much harder.

Easy, Rach, we'll find it. Won't we?

- Oh, yeah. MONICA: Okay, look.

When did you have it on last?

Doy. Probably right before she lost it.

You don't get a lot of "doy" these days.

I know I had it this morning.

I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with...

Dinah?

Oh, don't be mad.

- You didn't. - Oh, I'm sorry.

I gave you one job.

Oh, but look how straight those noodles are.

Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagna.

I just can't do it.

Boys?

We're going in.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi.

Oh, that is not a happy "hi."

Carol's pregnant.

Oh, I found it.

Well, what...? What?

Yeah.

Do that for another two hours...

...you might be where I am right about now.

Kind of puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon?

Well, now, how do you fit into this whole thing?

Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved.

But if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.

Basically, it's totally up to me.

She is so great. I miss her.

What does she mean by "involved"?

I mean, presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.

Anyway, they want me to go down to this...

...sonogram thing with them tomorrow.

So, what are you gonna do?

I have no idea.

No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father.

[JOEY CLANGING UTENSILS]

Well, this is still ruined, right?

Oh. Martha Lugwin's daughter is gonna call you.

Mm. What's that curry taste?

Curry.

Mm.

I think they're great. I really do.

You remember the Lugwins?

The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?

They all had a thing for him.

Oh, Mom.

I'm sorry. Why is this girl going to call me?

Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking or food...

...or I don't know.

Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant, so...

No, Mom. I don't have a restaurant. I work in a restaurant.

Well, they don't have to know that.

Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti.

Yes.

Oh, we're having spaghetti. That's...

...easy.

I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish on my part...

...but were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing?

Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.

What that Rachel did to her life. We ran into her parents at the club.

They were not playing very well.

I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding...

...but $40,000 is a lot of money.

Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.

- It's an expression. - No, it's not.

Don't listen to your mother.

You're independent and you always have been.

Even when you were a kid, and you were chubby...

...and you had no friends, you were just fine.

You'd read alone in your room. And your puzzles...

Look, there are people, like Ross, who need to shoot for the stars.

With his museum and his papers getting published.

Other people are satisfied with staying where they are.

I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer.

And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God...

...our little Harmonica doesn't seem to have that problem.

So, Ross, what's going on with you?

Any stories? No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?

Okay, okay.

Ahem. Look, I, uh... I realize you guys have been wondering...

...what exactly happened between Carol and me.

And so, well, here's the deal.

Carol's a lesbian.

She's living with a woman named Susan.

She's pregnant with my child.

And she and Susan are going to raise the baby.

And you knew about this?

Your folks are really that bad, huh?

Well, you know, these people are pros.

They know what they're doing. They take their time.

They get the job done.

Boy, I know they say that you can't change your parents.

Boy, if you could, I'd want yours.

Must pee.

You know, it's even worse when you're twins.

- You're a twin? - Oh, yeah. We don't speak.

She's like this high-powered, driven, career-type.

- What does she do? - She's a waitress.

All right. You guys, I kind of gotta clean up now.

Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this.

Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend...

...who my parents actually preferred.

RACHEL: Hit the lights, please.

How long was I in there?

I'm just cleaning up.

Oh, do you, uh...? Do you need any help?

Um, okay, sure. Thanks.

[SIGHS]

Anyway...

So you nervous about Barry tomorrow?

- Oh, a little. - Mm-hm.

- A lot. - Mm-hm.

So got any advice?

You know, as someone who's recently been dumped.

Well, you may want to steer clear of the word "dumped."

Chances are he's going to be this broken shell of a man. You know?

So you should try not to look too terrific. I know it'll be hard.

Or, you know, hey, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring.

And you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB-GYN.

You've got Carol tomorrow.

When did it get so complicated?

Got me.

- Remember when we were in high school? - Yeah.

I mean, didn't you think you' were gonna meet someone...

...fall in love, and that'd be it?

[SCOFFS]

- Ross? - Yes, yes.

Oh. Man. I never thought I'd be here.

[ROSS CHUCKLES]

Me neither.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck at work.

There was this big dinosaur thing. Anyway...

Hi.

- Ross, you remember Susan. - How could I forget?

Ross.

Hello, Susan. Good shake, good shake.

So, uh, we're just waiting for?

- Dr. Oberman. - Dr. Oberman. Okay, and is he...?

- She. - Of course, "she."

She, uh, familiar with our special situation?

Yes, and she's very supportive.

Great. Okay, that's great. Heh.

No, I'm...

CAROL: Thanks.

Quack, quack...

...quack, quack, quack.

Ross?

That opens my cervix.

- Barry? BARRY: Come on in.

Are you sure?

BARRY: It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours.

Huh?

So how are you doing?

I'm...

I'm okay.

You look great.

Yeah, well...

RECEPTIONIST [OVER SPEAKER]: Dr. Farber, Jason Greenspan's gagging.

Be right there. I'll be back in a second.

I dumped him.

Okay.

Oh!

- Ross. - So, um...? So how's this going to work...

...ahem, you know, with us?

You know, when, like, important decisions have to be made?

Give me a "for instance."

Well, I don't know. Okay, okay.

- How about with the baby's name? - Marlon...

- Marlon. ...if it's a boy. Minnie, if it's a girl.

As in "Mouse"?

As in my grandmother.

Still, you say "Minnie," you hear "Mouse."

How about, um...

How about "Julia"?

Julia.

We agreed on Minnie.

It's funny, um, we agreed we'd spend our lives together.

Things change. Roll with the punches.

I believe Julia's on the table.

Oh. Sorry about that.

So, what have you been up to?

Oh. Not much.

- I got a job. - Hey, that's great.

Why are you so tan?

Oh, I, uh...

I went to Aruba.

Oh, no. You went on our honeymoon alone?

No.

See, uh, I went with...

- Now, this may hurt. - Me?

No.

I went with Mindy.

Mindy?

My maid of honor, Mindy?

Yeah, well, we're kind of a thing now.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I'm...

You got plugs.

Careful, careful. They haven't quite taken yet.

And you got lenses.

But you hate sticking your finger in your eye.

Not for her.

Oh.

Listen, I really wanted to thank you.

Okay.

About a month ago, I wanted to hurt you...

...more than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life.

And I'm an orthodontist.

Wow.

You know, you were right. I mean, I thought we were happy.

We weren't happy.

But with Mindy...

...now I'm happy.

- Spit. - What?

Me.

Anyway, um...

I guess, uh... I guess this belongs to you.

And thank you for giving it to me.

Well, thank you for giving it back.

Hello.

Oh, please. What's wrong with Helen?

Helen Geller?

- I don't think so. - Hello, it's not gonna be Helen Geller.

Thank you.

No. I mean, it's not Geller.

What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?

No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick Bunch.

Well, wait a minute. Why is she in the title?

Because it's my baby too.

That's funny. Really? I don't remember you making any sperm.

And we all know what a challenge that is.

- Uh-huh. See? - All right, you two, stop it.

No, no. She gets a credit. Hey, I'm in there too.

Honestly. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick Bunch Geller.

I think that borders on child abuse.

Of course not. I'm suggesting Geller Willick Bunch.

Oh, no. No, no, no. You see what he's doing?

He knows no one is gonna say all those names.

He knows they'll wind up calling her Geller. Then he gets his way.

My way? You think this is my way?

Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being...

...this is not my way. You know what? This is too hard.

Knock, knock. How are we today? Any nausea?

- A little. - Just a little.

Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but, uh, thanks for sharing.

Uh, lie back.

You know what? I'm gonna go.

Um, I don't think I can be involved in this particular family thing.

[BABY'S HEART BEATING OVER SONOGRAM]

Oh, my God.

Look at that.

I know.

Well, isn't that amazing?

What are we supposed to be seeing here?

I don't know, but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.

You know, if you tilt your head to the left and relax your eyes...

...it kind of looks like an old potato.

Then don't do that, all right?

Monica?

What do you think?

Mm-hm.

Are you welling up?

- No. - You are.

- You are. You're welling up. - No, I'm not.

- You're gonna be an aunt. - Oh, shut up.

Hi, Mindy.

Hi, it's Rachel.

Yeah, I'm fine. I saw Barry today.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he told me.

No, it's okay. Really, it's okay.

I hope you two are very happy. I really do.

And, Min, you know, if everything works out...

...and you guys end up getting married and having kids and everything...

...I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose.

Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.