Original subtitles

BED SCENES

THE BLACK HOLE

Come in.

- Got the money'? - Yeah.

Thanks, hon.

Relax.

What'll it be'?

I heard about your speciality.

Which one'?

You sing the Marseillaise while giving head.

That's 220F more, sweetie.

Oh really?

- You got it'? - Yes.

No lights though.

Why'?

I've got my little secrets.

Oh, OK.

Take it out.

- What about a condom'? - No need.

Forward, sons of France,

the day of glory has come!

MR. CLEAN

- I'm glad you're here. - I'm glad to be with you.

Hang on.

- What? - Getting comfortable!

- I'm a little ashamed. - But why'?

The place is such a mess.

L like other people's messes. Especially yours.

But it's not very clean.

You're just not the little housekeeper, are you'?

I hate housework.

I simply refuse to do it.

It doesn't seem that bad.

If only you knew.

Take the sheets.

I only wash one every six months:

first the top, then the bottom.

You have no washing machine'?

No way! There's no room.

When the laundry is really dirty,

I take it to my mother's.

You go often?

Once a year.

How about everyday clothes?

It depends.

I'm not obsessed with cleanliness.

We live in such a sterile society.

This obsession with cleanliness,

it's like domestic fascism!

Crazy, huh'?

One pair of socks lasts me 4 days: I turn them inside out

and switch feet after two days. It's simple.

I never thought of that.

It doesn't take care of the odor though, does it'?

Scent is very important.

Why suppress odours'?

Natural odours, body odours, the smells of life itself!

Our sense of smell

has been destroyed by Capitalism!

Free enterprise,

destructive individualism...

These forces lead to hygienic conformism. It's bad.

You do bathe, don't you'?

No.

Sponge baths are enough for me.

Science proves it:

the less you wash, the better you fight diseases,

viruses and all that crap.

I'm for free bodily expression.

There is the body, but also all the vapours it emits.

From the mouth, armpits, hair, navel, feet,

dick, ass, pussy.

You know'?

Life! Now smell a real man.

No thanks. I get it.

What's wrong'?

Nothing. I don't feel well.

I've had asthma since I was little.

I feel an attack coming on now.

- I'm leaving. - Wait a minute.

Bye.

MADAME

Do you like cats'?

Nah. I prefer dogs.

What's his name'?

He has no name. I call him "the cat".

How old'?

- Who me'? - No, the cat.

Seven, I think.

Savage!

7 times 7 is 49 human years.

I'm 52.

You don't look it.

Thanks. How old are you'?

Guess.

I don't know.

Between 20 and 30. I can't tell anymore.

Youth is escaping me.

I'm younger.

You're not a minor!

Almost. I'm 19.

52 minus 19 is...

.33.

33, the age of Christ.

Believe in God'?

I have no use for such things.

Why did you follow me'?

I was attracted to you.

What about girls your age'?

- They have no experience. - Neither do I.

I don't care.

You excite me.

You know, for 26 years I was only with my husband.

Since I left him 5 years ago, there hasn't been anyone.

Don't expect much from me.

Are you afraid of me'?

Of your sincerity, yes.

That's too bad.

You're not missing much.

What about you'?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you here.

I'm not ready.

I'll wait. I can be patient.

Can I ask you one thing?

Ask away.

Can I kiss your hand'?

HEADS OR TAILS

100

99

98

97

96

95

75

73

71

THE IDEAL MAN

You're hurting'?

Can't you tell'?

I've got an idea.

What'?

It'll make you feel better, if you want.

Of course I want! I'm no masochist.

It'll be therapeutic.

Now what'?

Listen, what you can't say to Stéphane

because you're afraid or whatever,

you will act out with someone you know and trust.

- What a load of crap! - But it works.

You'll gain insight to make a decision.

Who'll be Stéphane'?

Me.

Stéphane'?

Since we met and we...

Stop saying yes! You sound like a shrink.

Since we met I can't get you out of my mind.

I don't get what's going on. You kissed me at the party.

We even fooled around in the toilets.

So why did you ignore me at Sylvie's'?

We need to talk, this is killing me.

I hate not knowing.

Do you like me or not'? Are we together?

Or was it just a one-night stand?

What are your feelings for me'?

I think I'm in love with you.

I don't know if it's love or what.

When you're near me, when you look my way,

or even when you don't, my heart starts pounding.

You really think it's love'?

We hardly know each other.

But for me... you represent

the ideal man, the one I've dreamt of.

But by definition, the ideal man exists only in the mind.

You mean I'm projecting an image'?

Maybe.

Then the person I think I love doesn't exist?

There, there.

I'm incapable of love! No one loves me!

Yes they do.

Who?

Me.

- You'? - Yes.

What's going on here'?

Go with it. It's therapeutic.

LOVE IN THE DARK

I'll get the lights.

No! I love doing it in the light.

Really?

Because I...

No. I don't think I can.

Not in such bright light.

- You're joking! - No, I swear.

I'll freeze up.

I can't believe it. Usually girls want the lights off.

Yeah, excuse me.

I'm a guy, but I can't help it.

You want it dark so you can't see my face!

Of course not! I love your face. You're beautiful.

- It's just that... - You prefer me in the dark!

Don't get mad.

You're fine. I've got the problem. With light, it's too violent.

I've had it.

But it's no big deal!

Yes it is!

I'm sick of meeting guys with problems.

One can't get it up. One won't wear a condom.

Then there's "Z-second" man!

Others want insults or a finger up the ass.

And now the guy who can't do it in the light, a real baby!

Guys are complicated.

No, guys are a drag!

- I know a girl who... - I don't care.

What time is it'?

1:20 am.

I missed the last train.

- Virginie'? - What?

You turn me on.

Great.

Do you mind if I masturbate?

What, now'?

Yes, or I won't be able to sleep.

I can't believe this.

Is it OK'? You mind'?

Oh, go ahead.

Thank you.

That was fast, I didn't miss much.

It was good.

You're very sexy.

Well, if I made a man happy, my night wasn't a total loss.

Goodnight, Virginie.

Goodnight, Frank.

THE VIRGINS

I should tell you

I've never been with a guy.

No problem.

It's easy.

I've never been with a girl!

- No way! - It's true.

Why not'?

I'm not interested.

You don't know what you're missing!

Don't they use their teeth?

Not all of them.

I can suck better than a girl.

Braggart!

Want me to show you'?

OK, go ahead.

Did you like it'?

Yeah, it was cool.

It's funny. We're 2 virgins.

You with boys, me girls.

You want to try it on me'?

If you want.

No teeth, huh'?

Stop, or I'll come!

You're damn good for a virgin.

Paul'?

You know what I'd like'?

No, what'?

I'd like to kiss you.

Go ahead.

Adaptation: Sionann O'Neill