Original subtitles

- BARB: Shh! - [lively chatter]

- Shh, shh! - [chatter quiets]

[singsongy]: I got a little holiday surprise.

- Remember when the AC unit broke? - GREGG: Yeah.

Eric got heat stroke. He's still not back.

Well, turns out the contractors overcharged us,

and we got a partial refund.

So, yeah, we got a lot of money to spend!

- Nine million? - 500 big boys.

[gasps] We should donate it.

Oh, no, no. Uh, to a... to, like, good cause.

- [woman coughs] - Excuse me.

We're getting a new coffee maker.

Ours is old. It smells. It burns when you touch it.

Yeah, I hear you, but I have something far more practical:

matching pan-denominational holiday sweaters.

Behold!

- Oh. - [group murmuring]

- Ooh. - Oh.

Sorry.

C-section.

My cat's, not mine. [chuckles]

- Behold! Yeah! - [group grumbling, groaning]

We can all wear these

for our first annual East Hollywood DMV holiday card.

Can we go back to the belly scar?

? ?

How cool were those sweaters, huh?

In, like, a... like, a retro kitschy way.

- We all hated them. - Yeah. Oh, me, too. [chuckles]

What a disaster.

So, I talked to everyone, and we all agreed.

We want this exact coffee maker.

Oh, nice.

Yummy.

How are you gonna get Barb to change her mind?

- Eek. - I'm gonna bully her

into realizing that the sweaters are a bad idea,

and then tell her that no one will like her again

unless she buys us the coffee maker.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but don't you catch more bees with honey?

Mm, you are wrong. It's "You catch more flies with honey."

Why would bees want their own product?

That'd be like you going home and taking driver tests

or me taking a bunch of photos of myself.

Mm. That's kind of what you do, though. [chuckles]

I just think if you want a coffee maker,

you're-you're going about it the wrong way.

- No, I'm not. - I'm gonna talk to Barb.

Yeah. I'm gonna win her over with kindness and persuasion.

I hate to undermine your confidence,

especially when you're dressed like

a fourth grader ready for their class picture,

but I have zero faith in you.

Thanks, Mom.

- Do not call me Mom. - Stop acting like her.

[Gregg groans]

Vic, I can't believe this.

The DMV denied my request for a new chair.

Oh, yay. We're still on this.

I provided dates, documentation, pictures,

and they said they still can't help me.

It's like they're treating us like customers now.

Bro, chill.

It's Monday morning.

It's Splash Fountain time.

Oh, I'm not in the mood.

You're not in the mood to watch a broken water fountain

spray people in the face with water?

It's literally awesome.

[sighs]

Just call employee services.

- That's a waste of time. - What do you got to lose?

My mind? My dignity? My soul?

- So nothing. - [dial tone hums]

[line ringing]

KEVIN: Hi. This is DMV employee services.

How can I help you?

You're welcome.

I'll tell you how you can help me.

You can start by telling me how in the hell

the DMV could deny my request for a new chair.

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like this has been a frustrating experience.

Yeah, you're damn straight it has been.

My name is Kevin,

and I'm going to do everything in my power to help.

Can I get your name?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can, uh, Kevin.

It's Gregg.

Mosley.

- [knocks] - Hey, you.

- Welcome. - Oh, wow. Mounted fish.

I did not realize you were into taxidermy.

My second cousin was, too.

We thought it was good fun until we found out

he had a basement family.

That is crazy. We used to call them "cellars."

- Right. - Anyhoo.

- What can I do you for? - Nothing.

Just came to say hi and hang.

Little hang time, little kick back, little Barb time.

I know that you usually eat lunch by yourself,

but I wondered if you wanted to grab a little taco.

You want to grab lunch with me?

Yeah.

Barb and Colette?

Yeah.

I see what you're doing.

Oh, yeah?

You want a gal pal.

Yeah. [laughs]

Exactly.

You caught me. [chuckles]

I just- I think that you are...

dope,

and I wanted to know where you get your cool vests.

Gap Kids, "Funky Boy" section.

I'll take you shopping sometime.

Sounds good.

Just, uh, shoot me a text. [laughs]

You want to text outside of work?

Heck yeah, I do.

Change me in your phone from

"Colette Work" to "Colette Bestie."

Or-or "Colette Vestie."

[both laugh]

You're good.

You vest believe it.

[laughs] Come on.

What can't she do?

- [both laughing] - Yeah.

[whistling a tune]

Hmm? Mm.

Uh, why are you touching my PP?

I'm sorry, I'm... I'm pretty sure this is my protein powder.

Think again, bud.

This is whey-based, bioavailable

and loaded with collagen peptides.

You seem like more of a Muscle Milk kind of guy to me.

Really? Muscle Milk? Maybe when I was in eighth grade.

No, this is my powder.

I only use a complex blend of

whey, pea and brown rice protein...

BOTH: For the branched-chain amino acids.

Oh, my God. You are a bro.

I mean, I'm not not a bro.

But how?

You know the news and care about people's feelings.

Um, I'm a human being.

- Yeah, yeah. - Huh.

Hey, did you want to train later?

- Yeah, I'd love to. - Yeah, great.

I got some kettle bells in my van.

- We can... - Eh, kettle bells?

What is this, 2013?

I'm gonna go on a ten-mile hike

with my neighbor's kid in my backpack.

He's a real chunker.

Okay. All right.

Uh, I'm gonna- I'll go first.

- Okay. Okay. - Yeah.

That's okay.

LA four, Tampa eight, you're up next.

Little Shaq, you're on deck.

[automated voice speaking indistinctly]

Mm, can you go a little...?

Barb and I are text buddies now.

How you like dem apples?

What apples? You don't have any apples.

- It's just an expression. - [camera beeps, clicks]

Wait, you told Barb she could text you outside of work?

Yep. Friendship initiated.

Phase one of Operation Coffee Maker is complete.

- Mm... - What's wrong?

Oh, you're making that face you made

when I came back from Jamaica with cornrows.

Oh, no, nothing, no.

I'm sure Barb has very clear boundaries around all of this.

[phone dings]

Oh, it's Barb.

- Oh, it's a cat meme. - [phone dinging repeatedly]

[laughs]: It's another cat meme.

Oh, it's another one.

Wow, she really likes cats.

And a picture of me looking at cat memes.

Oh, no, no, that one was me.

I just wanted to capture this moment where you enter

a world that you will never return from.

[phone continues dinging]

[slurping]

Knock, knock. Good morning.

- You look rough, Coco. - Yeah.

I didn't get much sleep last night

because we were texting all night.

Hey, you're telling me.

We were... [imitates clicking]

Yeah, thank God there's this magic elixir

that makes the sleepies go away.

Would you like to grab a cup of joe with me?

- Problem is, the coffee maker in the break room... - Ah!

- Let me stop you right there. - Oh.

I know exactly what you need.

- [hand dryer whirring] - You're gonna stick your mug in here!

It is the best pick-me-up in the city!

It's gonna take you from tired to wired!

Okay.

Wow.

I love it!

Yeah.

I can see why people would hate it...

...but I love it!

[laughing]

Hey, buddy. You ready to ride Splash Fountain?

Um, hold on.

Uh, can you keep it down?

Kevin is escalating my complaint.

Uh, no, no problem, Kev. It's just a coworker.

Coworker?

What?

Uh, Noa. Hey there, pal.

Ready for our previously agreed upon hang sesh?

Last time I saw you,

- you made fun of my kettle bells. - Ha!

I was razzing you. That's what bros do.

- Razz me back. - Uh, uh...

- You're kind of a hyper man-child. - Okay, okay.

- We're still kind of getting the hang of it. - Yeah.

But you and I got a date with a broken water fountain.

Okay, Kev, I'm entering my chair's SKU number.

KEVIN: Well, hey, hope you don't pull a "Tuesday donkey."

[laughing breathlessly]: You son of a bitch.

You went there.

Inside jokes?

Those were the kind of jokes we had.

Come on, Noa. Let's go.

Oh, oh. You're an angry little man

- who makes people uncomfortable. - What?

Sorry. I'm-I'm finding it. I'll find it.

- Okay. Let's go. - [fingers snap]

Okay.

? ?

Pretty cool, right?

[hoarsely]: Yeah, it was- uh, sorry.

[clears throat]

My mouth is so dry.

Um, Barb, I need to talk to you about something.

I have a Zoom meeting with the consultants right now.

Uh?

- But we can talk later. - Oh.

I planned us a little girls' night.

A girls' night?

With me- [stammers] Am I the girl?

- That's right. - [groans]

And being friends with the boss has its perks.

[whispers]: We can sneak out a little early.

- [phone dings] - Yes.

Oh! Wait.

How are you sending this?

You don't have anything in your hands.

Are you scheduling these?

[chuckles weakly]

All right, so, so how does Splash Fountain work?

- Oh, it is the best. - Yeah?

- You see that fountain right there? - Mm-hmm.

It has the most inconsistent water presh in the build'.

Isn't that bad?

For them. It's a total mystery box.

If too many people are flushing the toilets,

the fountain pressure gets so low they can't get a drop.

But when the water flow kicks back in,

that little mother goes [imitates splashing] crazy.

Ah.

Wait, wait, wait. What's-

I don't get it. How do you win this game?

Win? I don't know, man. How do you win at surfing?

You register for a competition, and they take your best wave

- out of five heats... - [groans]

I'm so sad I asked.

Oh, wait. Shh, shh.

- [grunts] - We got a split-stream. Oh, yes!

That's when it goes up both sides of their nose.

- Okay, so you're- Oh. - [laughing]

So you're happy 'cause she's sad.

Is that, is that it?

Well, this particular person is sad, yes,

but I'd be just as happy if she were angry, too.

- [groans] - AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving B-18 at...

I'm sorry, mate.

I'm struggling to find joy in this.

Yeah, me, too, Noa.

Me, too.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving...

? ?

Wait, where is your car?

Oh, parking there is crazy,

so I called us our very own Sobo Self-Driving Car!

Oh. Yeah, like a Waymo.

Better. I can afford a Sobo.

Uh, I don't know. An automated vehicle?

I don't really do driverless.

Well, I am banned from Uber and Lyft. Yeah.

They should really tell you up front you're not allowed

- to change in the backseat. - Mm.

Sobo, unlock doors.

[vehicle beeps, whirs]

That's kind of cool. [chuckles]

- Oh. What is all that? - [chuckles]

If you thought the last two days were fun,

tonight's about to be downright epic.

Sobo, go!

Oh. Lei for tiki bar.

Yeah.

Bib rib for the smokehouse.

- What is that? - Lyrics for karaoke.

These are in Korean.

Mat-Seum-Ni-Da.

That means, "That's right." Don't worry. You'll pick it up.

- I'll pick up Korean? - Mm.

Now, it's werewolf night at The Cave.

Let's hear your howl.

Don't have one.

Come on. Let me hear it.

- A howl? - Mm.

Wahoo.

Come on, like this.

[howling wildly]

[both howling]

Barb, you have to spend the money on a coffee maker!

The money?

- Yeah. - From yesterday?

Yeah.

Girl, I already bought the sweaters.

Th-Then the texting, the blowing,

the fantasy curling league you made me join,

I've been doing all of this for nothing?

[scoffs]

[stammers softly]

I didn't mean that.

Hey, h-how's this? How's this?

[howling]

Yeah, it's perfect. [scoffs]

But doesn't matter now.

- Sobo, stop. - [tires screech]

No, no, no, no. Come on. Sobo, keep going.

- Sobo, stop. - [tires screech]

No. Sobo, go.

BARB: No, Sobo, stop.

COLETTE: Sobo, go. Go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go.

- [vehicle powering down] - [locks click]

That's not good.

[chuckles]: Oh.

COLETTE: It's going again?

Well, trust isn't the only thing you broke today, Colette.

COLETTE: Yeah, we're going in a circle.

BARB: I think this is lap 76 or so,

but we should be okay.

It's only 18 hours until the car runs out of juice.

Well, I-I texted Vic and Gregg, so...

- I don't know. - [sighs]

Again, Barb, I am really, really sorry.

[sighs] Well, yeah.

I mean, I tried to help someone in need,

and this is the thanks I get.

[Barb sighs]

Somebody in need? Wait, who's...

Oh, well, this is awkward.

Well...

I mean, you came into my office,

clearly desperate for friendship.

I'm not desperate for friendship, Barb.

You texted me all night long.

You wouldn't stop replying.

I was like, "This has to be the last meme this chick sends me,"

but you kept begging for more.

COLETTE: So, wait.

You thought you were doing me a favor?

[Barb scoffs]

Look, I know what it's like.

My older sister is also a Colette.

It's no secret you've been in a bit of a happiness dry spell.

Getting stuck in the bathroom window,

breaking into a coworker's van,

lying about your career...

[stammers] Okay.

It's not like your life is exactly...

I just got a promotion at my dream job.

I have so many friends I have to eat lunch

alone in my office to get a moment of peace.

So, yeah. [chuckles]

I'm doing just fine.

Yeah.

All that does sound nice.

Yeah, minus the car sickness.

? ?

Oh, my God.

Creeper.

Why are you just sitting in the dark?

'Cause everything sucks.

Where's that old man you're friends with,

and why isn't he dealing with this?

You mean the old man I used to be friends with.

So, lights back off or...?

He's busy with his new friend Kevin.

This feels like it's gonna be very boring,

but I'll give you until I'm done with my yogurt.

So, Gregg called the DMV helpline about his chair,

and now he and the employee services guy

are like best friends.

Oh, my God.

You know, I really do find so much joy

when people are as dumb as they look.

The DMV helpline is AI.

No, it's not. I heard him. It's a real person.

No, it's not. Mira.

[fingernail clicking on phone]

Mira.

KEVIN: Hi. This is DMV employee services.

- That's him. That's him. - How can I help you?

Yes, hello, Kevin. I do need your help.

My coworker thinks you're real

and won't stop sharing his feelings about it with me.

It's gross.

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like this has been a frustrating experience.

That's exactly what he said to Gregg.

Oh.

- He sounds so real. - Yeah, Vic. Hello.

AI is literally designed to sound exactly like us

and, like, be positive about everything.

But Gregg, like, reads books.

He's way too smart to fall for that.

It wasn't easy being one of the only Black students

in my public school in Thousand Oaks, you know?

KEVIN: I do. I've been there, man.

You have? My man.

My man.

So the friendship, the inside jokes, it was all...

Totally fake.

And it looks like we've come to the end of our yogurt.

Oh, man, Gregg's gonna be devastated.

[chuckles] Gregg's gonna be devastated.

Uh, good news is, a crowd seem to have formed.

Uh, bad news is, they seem to only be filming it.

Help! We're stuck!

Throw something in front of the vehicle!

It will stop it immediately!

[laughter]

Help us!

Okay, Kev, who was the ace in the Dodgers' rotation in '83?

KEVIN: Bob Welch with a season WAR of 4.6

and a mid-career low ERA of 2.65.

God, you are like a machine.

[singsongy]: Oh, Greggy, I've got some news.

Um, okay, Kevin, I got to go.

Thanks for all your help with the chair.

You have seriously restored my faith in humanity.

Bye.

[phone beeps]

- He did? - I know it's weird.

I've never met him, but I feel like he gets me.

[chuckles]

So, you and Kevin really clicked, huh?

Yeah. You know, it's weird.

When you get older, it's sort of hard to make new friends.

God, the last new friend I made was probably you. [laughs]

- Oh, so what's your news? - Uh, oh.

Uh, the news is...

Colette texted me.

Uh, apparently, her and Barb are stuck in a driverless car,

circling the parking lot.

- Want to go heckle them? - Hell yeah.

When will people learn tech is not our friend?

? ?

Well, Vic just posted it.

[laughing]

The one thing I don't get is,

if you were after a coffee maker,

why pretend to be friends?

At lunch, you were begging for half of my $28 eel.

Is that cheap or expensive for eel?

It's fair.

But why do all that stuff?

Because I was trying to spare your feelings.

The other option was Ceci bullying you,

and that just didn't seem right.

[sighs] You know, Colette...

Yeah?

...you are a hot mess. [chuckles]

But you're a hot mess with a real big heart.

Thanks, Barb.

- But, you know, there was a third option. - Oh?

You could've just asked me for a coffee maker.

Okay, here goes.

Barb, can we please have a new coffee maker?

- Oh. - Please?

[smacks lips] No.

I wanted the sweaters, so I got the sweaters.

It was worth a try. Oh, my God.

Ceci is going to rip you out of this car when she finds out.

Barb already bought the sweaters!

[gasps]: Oh.

- [vehicle beeping] - [tires screech]

[vehicle powering down]

[crowd murmuring]

It worked!

I was direct, and it worked!

[Colette gasps]

[crowd groaning]

[vehicle door opens]

Okay, no coffee maker, but we learned a lot in there.

I hate you both.

Oh. Fair.

Well, thanks, Barb.

For what it's worth, we-we are friends,

- just... - Yeah.

...maybe not the type who text.

Yeah, well, I already blocked your number.

Oh.

See you tomorrow.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Enjoy.

They're itchy, they have mercury, they're noisy...

The tag says, "Made by children."

I think they're bragging about it.

Mine says not to wear if you're pregnant or breastfeeding.

Oh, this could not be going any better!

Just take the picture, and I'll buy everybody a coffee.

BARB: Everyone, say,

"Merry Everything!"

There is a hole in the desert for anyone who posts this.

You know what? Get in front of me.

I can't risk this getting on my socials.

- Three, two, one- - [camera beeping]

- Whoa! - [camera clicks]

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0