Original subtitles

¶ One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight ¶

¶ Schlemiel, Schlemazel

¶ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated

¶ We're gonna do it

¶ Give us any chance, we'll take it ¶

¶ Read us any rule, we'll break it ¶

¶ We're gonna make our dreams come true ¶

¶ Doing it our way

¶ Nothing's gonna turn us back now ¶

¶ Straight ahead and on the track now ¶

¶ We're gonna make our dreams come true ¶

¶ Doing it our way

¶ There is nothing we won't try ¶

¶ Never heard the word "impossible" ¶

¶ This time, there's no stopping us ¶

¶ We're gonna do it

¶ On your mark, get set and go now ¶

¶ Got a dream, and we just know now ¶

¶ We're gonna make that dream come true ¶

¶ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ¶

¶ Make all our dreams come true ¶

¶ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ¶

¶ Make all our dreams come true ¶

¶ For me and you.

¶ Mona Lisa...

Laverne and Shirley is filmed before a studio audience.

¶ Men have named you

¶ You're so like the lady...

Did you have fun at the carnival tonight?

Yes, I did. Thank you for winning me

all these stuffed animals, Carmine.

It's okay.

¶ Is it only 'cause you're lonely ¶

¶ They have blamed you?

Hey, will you look at that?

Sal and Laverne dancing, holding each other tight,

making goo-goo eyes.

Do you think they're serious?

Are you kidding me?

They've only been going out a couple of months.

Know what? I'm going to make a little suit for my panda.

...a little hat. Shirl, let's go home.

I got to talk to you. I've got an onion pizza coming.

Hey, what's the hurry? It's all right, Carmine.

Let them go. What, what? You can't tell me here?

I'll tell you at home. Oh, all right.

Well, let me get my animals. Carmine, get the animals.

Well, let me take my panda. Forget the panda.

Carmine knocked down 20 milk bottles for this...

Come on, let's go bowling.

Hey, hey, wait. Whoa, whoa.

What's the matter? What did you say?

Hey, did you ask her to do something dirty?

No.

I asked Laverne to marry me.

No! Yeah!

Really? Yeah.

You're kidding! Yeah!

All right! Let's bowl.

Okay, Shirl, brace yourself.

Oh, no!

I got a proposal of marriage.

( gasps ): Who?

-Sal. -He didn't.

-He did. -You're kidding!

I'm not.

Oh, Laverne!

This is so exciting, your first proposal.

Oh, I am curious as a cat.

All right, I want you to tell me

exactly, word for word what he said.

I don't remember.

Sure, you remember.

Everyone remembers their first proposal.

I was so excited, I forgot.

Think!

I don't know.

All right, all right.

Let me set the mood.

We were at the Pizza Bowl.

A romantic ballad was playing on the jukebox.

He took you in his arms.

¶ Mona Lisa

¶ Mona Lisa, men have named you ¶

He looks deeply, and ever so longingly

into your eyes and says...

"Let's do it."

That's not exactly a proposal of marriage, Laverne.

Well, then he said, "Let's get hitched."

Then he dipped me, and then he turned me around.

And that was it.

Oh, wow!

This is so exciting.

Your first sincere proposal of matrimony.

Yeah, it is exciting, isn't it?

The wedding's this weekend.

( splutters )

You said yes?

No.

Oh... then why is there going to be a wedding?

Because I'm going to say yes.

Can I wear this on my honeymoon?

Sure. But Laverne,

what's the big rush?

Well, he's got to go to San Diego Monday,

because he's being discharged from the Navy.

And he wants me to go with him as Mrs. Malina.

Monday, Tuesday...

Gee, I'm so surprised.

I-I knew you liked him,

but I never realized you loved him that much.

Oh, I was going to tell you.

I forgot.

Forgot...?

But Vernie, before, when you've been in love,

I mean, I've always known.

You always act so crazy and do such crazy things,

but I have never seen you act crazy about Sal.

Well... I'm more mature now.

I learned to handle love.

Oh.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

Sal's a terrific guy, and I love him so much.

I just love, love, love him.

Well, if you're sure...

then I'm sure.

I just couldn't be happier for you, Vernie.

( knocking )

Who is it?

FRANK: It's me.

That's my father.

Do you think he heard yet?

I don't know.

( yells )

He heard, he heard.

( speaking Italian )

Yeah, English, Pop, English.

Did you say yes?

I'm going to.

Hooray! A grandson!

And he's got a good job. He's going to work

in his father's light fixture business.

Hooray! A job.

And the wedding's this weekend.

Hooray, I got to get your relatives.

Do you want me to get the address book?

Yeah, where is it? The bedroom?

In the bedroom. Oh, good.

If only your mother was alive, may she rest in peace,

( speaks Italian )

English, Pop, English.

( knocking )

Who is it?

It's me, Carmine.

Who is it, who is it?

Raguso! Here's your toys.

Oh, thank you, Carmine.

Did you have a good time tonight?

Yes, I did, thank you.

Okay. Hey, don't you think

it's great about Sal and Laverne?

I don't know, Carmine.

This is happening so fast...

Fast? What do you mean, fast?

They've been going together for a couple of months.

Sal's okay, but he's not Laverne's type.

Shirley, I know that look. You're going to start

with this Prince Charming on the white horse bit?

It's bad enough that I'm taking horseback riding lessons.

Me, the Big Ragoo.

Now these are two nice people.

They found each other, and that's nice. Beautiful.

We'll leave it at that, all right?

Right?

Right.

Okay.

Oh.

¶ When the moon hits your eye ¶

¶ Like a great pizza pie ¶

¶ That's amore...

FRANK: Hello, Aunt Josephine.

Talk up!

Louder, it's long distance.

Laverne's getting married to Sal Malina.

Sal Malina.

He's in light bulbs.

Yeah, yeah. Isn't it wonderful?

Everyone thinks it's wonderful!

Everyone thinks it's wonderful.

Except me.

And you.

The poodle doesn't like it, either.

Dippy's not crazy about it...

Let's take a vote. Alligator...

( pipe organ playing softly )

Which one do you like better?

For you? That one for you.

Okay. Oh, hi, Father Gucci.

Hello, Father.

Oh, hi, Laverne. Shirley.

Oh, look at all the beautiful flowers.

Oh, wow, your father must have really sprung for a lot.

Oh, no, we're having a funeral in an hour.

Listen, I'll be right back.

Oh...

Shirl, did you really like

that last dress that I tried on?

Yeah, it was very nice...

It didn't make me look too chunky?

No, it was beautiful...

You could see me through the veil?

I could, I could see you right through the veil.

Good. Uh, Laverne?

Mm-hmm? Could I talk serious

to you for a moment? You hate the dress.

Just tell me that you hate the dress.

No, I love the dress, I love the dress. It's not that.

It's just that things have been in such a hurry,

I haven't had a chance to talk to you.

Well, I haven't had any time to talk.

I had to help Sal find an apartment.

I have to get my blood test.

I have to get the license.

I got to get my hair done.

Do you think I should wear it in a beehive?

A beehive looks ugly on you.

Yeah, my ears stick out.

I got to get me a hairdo.

That's what I mean, Laverne, you see?

You're in such a rush with the wedding

that you haven't had a chance to think about being married.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's better that way.

If I had time to think about it,

I would just wait until it's too late.

It's never too late.

Shirl, remember our senior prom?

Three boys asked me to go,

but I was waiting for a better offer.

I ended up sitting home in my prom dress

watching Seahunt.

They're in here, stupid!

What are you calling me stupid in church for?

You want God to hear you? What's the matter with you?

What are they doing here?

Sal asked them to be ushers.

( Shirley sighs )

Hi, Laverne. We're here to ush.

LENNY: Yeah.

You're Leonard Koznovsky, aren't you?

Hi, Father.

Leonard! Sounds like a girl's name.

Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.

I haven't seen you at confession for almost three years.

I been pretty good, Father.

Everything's under control.

Well, as soon as the bride and groom are here,

we'll be able to start.

All right, Laverne?

Sure.

Boys, let me explain the seating arrangements.

( bell tolls )

Laverne, what's the matter? Are you all right?

Yeah, it's just when he said "bride and groom," I got a little nervous.

It's nothing.

Maybe it's not nothing.

Maybe you're not really sure about all this.

Well, how could anybody be sure?

This is a big step, Shirl.

That's it! You said it.

This is eternal!

Eternity, over and over and over again.

On and on without ceasing, without stopping.

Over and over, eternal, ad infinitum, infinity.

This means till death do you part, the end.

Do you mean forever?

FATHER GUCCI: Laverne...

we're ready for you now.

Well...

what the heck, huh?

"What the heck, huh"?

Father...

I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Sal Malina.

Hello, Father.

And you know Carmine Ragusa.

Hi, Father. I'm the best man.

Oh, yes, the Big Ragoo.

All right, let's get ready and start.

I'm going to need a stand-in for the father of the bride.

Uh, my son, you.

Yes, would you help us, please?

I don't got to memorize nothing, do I?

Oh, no, it's very simple.

You just give the bride away.

Okay, take her.

I ain't stopping you.

Fine.

Don't say anything.

All right, let's all take our positions.

Uh, Father, don't I get to walk down that aisle?

Oh, you will, tomorrow, but if you do it now,

you'll walk straight into the late Mr. O'Hara.

We'll use this aisle right here

for our rehearsal just for now, all right?

Ah, Carmine, would you walk

down the aisle with Shirley, please?

Sounds good to me.

Oh, that's lovely.

All right, Sal, come here, would you please?

What a beautiful picture.

Now, the father and the bride...

( hums "Here Comes the Bride" )

( in singsong voice ): ¶ Go get the bride

¶ Get the bride...

Let's go already.

What are you waiting for, Christmas?

All right, now the father sits down.

Sits down!

Oh, sits...

And the ceremony goes like this...

Come on, Shirl, smile.

FATHER GUCCI: You walk down the aisle,

I say something religious, you take your vows,

you exchange your rings.

Then I say,

"If there's anyone who has any reason

"why these two should not be wed,

"let them speak now

or forever hold their peace."

I object.

You object at a rehearsal?

( gasps )

Did I say that?

That sort of just slipped out, didn't it?

I...

I didn't say, "I object."

I said, "I have to check."

I have to check the wedding cake.

That's it!

I have to check the wedding cake.

Uh... you go on without me.

It's a beautiful ceremony, wonderful, fantastic.

I like every single one of you,

but I have to be leaving now.

Excuse me.

Was it something I said?

Don't worry, Father.

It's just she's a little nervous.

She's never been a bridesmaid before.

Never a bridesmaid, always a maid.

Shut up.

What are you doing, Shirl?

Are you trying to ruin my wedding?

I wouldn't blame you

if you never spoke to me again, Laverne,

but I couldn't help myself.

Of course I'll speak to you,

but just tell me what you want to tell me.

I know there's something you want to tell me.

I can't Laverne, I can't.

It's your life.

Since when?

Come on, let's hear it.

You're right.

It's better I say it than someday

you're walking down some lonely, deserted street

and an utter stranger comes up to you and says

what I should have said to you 20 years...

Shirl, spit it out!

All right.

I don't think that you can look me in the eye,

and say to me, "I love Sal Malina".

That's it?

Yes.

I love Sal Malina.

Let's go back to the church.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

I said in the eye, Laverne.

In the eye.

These eyes, that have watched you grow

from chubby, whiny adolescence, into terrific young womanhood.

Say it.

I...

like...

care for...

I lo... o...

I lo...

What difference does it make?!

Yeah, I knew it.

You didn't love him.

I knew it all along.

Well, why didn't you just say so,

instead of walking around for two days with this long face on?

Because I was afraid you'd marry him, anyway.

So what?

Well, I know you, Laverne.

Every time we saw each other, you'd say,

"Hey, it's me and that guy you told me not to marry."

I wouldn't say it every time.

But you'd be thinking it.

And then we couldn't be friends anymore.

Oh, come on, Shirl.

No matter what happens, we'll always be friends.

Look, okay.

Right now, I don't love him.

But Sal's crazy about me.

I've got 40 years to grow to love him.

Laverne, if you marry a man that you don't love,

something terrible will happen.

Like what?

Who knows?

You'll become dissatisfied.

You'll grow restless.

You'll start calling the milkman "Joe".

Joe?

Tell me the truth, Laverne. Are you doing this because...

you're in trouble?

Watch your mouth, Shirl.

I'm wearing white.

Then I don't understand.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm scared, Shirl.

I mean, when Sal asked me to marry him, I was stunned.

I didn't expect him to...

Sometimes you think you'll never hear those words.

And then I thought I'd never hear them again.

That's scary.

Oh, Vernie,

you make me so sad, talking like that.

You're such a great girl.

I mean, you're the best.

And you should give yourself a fair shake.

You should wait for a guy who gives you goose bumps all over.

( knocking )

Is everything all right, Laverne?

Can I come in?

Uh, park it a minute, huh, Sal?

Okay.

Please?

He's a good guy.

He's great looking, pays attention to me,

calls me when he says he's going to call.

He thinks I'm pretty.

He's a good guy, Shirl.

Yes, he is.

And he deserves better than you, Laverne.

You just said I was the best.

You're not good enough for him.

He deserves a wife who will cherish him.

One who really loves him... who's in love with him.

Will you stop with those Prince Charming speeches, Shirl?

I don't want to hear about bells ringing when he kisses me

or goose bumps when he touches me.

That's for kids.

I'm doing the right thing, Shirl.

I may not love him now,

but in time, I will grow to love him.

You really think

that he wants to marry a girl who will grow to love him?

Ha, ha!

Don't make me laugh, Laverne.

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha...!

Hi, Sal. Come on in.

Hi. What happened to Shirley at the church?

Oh, nothing, she's just a little crazy.

You know something, Laverne?

If you used 150-watt bulbs, it'd be a lot lighter in here.

Sal, there's something I want to talk to you about.

You know, a fluorescent fixture in the kitchen

would really modernize the whole room.

Wait a minute.

You're not going to be living here, anyway.

Sal, I really like you a lot.

I like you, too, Laverne.

There's something I want to tell you.

Sit down.

I don't get goose bumps.

Never?

Not even when you come out of the shower?

Oh, yeah, then I...

Oh, no, no.

The...

Sal, at this very moment in time,

I really like you a lot, but...

You're a terrific guy, but...

And you treat me so good, but...

But you don't love me?

So, you'll grow to love me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

You hear that, Shirl?

I'm not listening.

But he's wrong.

Wrong about what?

Oh, just something about a milkman named Joe.

Let me ask you something.

Did you ever go to a dance

with a girl that was really crazy about you?

Sure, plenty.

Uh, a couple of times.

How was it?

Oh, it was terrific.

Did you ever go to a dance with a girl

who just wanted to be at the dance?

Yeah.

How was that?

It was one long evening.

This is no dance, Sal.

I mean, this is the big one.

On and on, forever and ever and on and on...

I got it, I got it.

You think maybe we should wait

until the three of us are a little more sure?

I think we may... need some more time to think about it.

But in the meantime,

we could still go on seeing each other and stuff.

I'll write you.

I'll write you back.

Sure you don't hate me?

Nah.

I'm going to get you a fluorescent fixture for the kitchen...

at cost.

Sal?

See you.

No goose bumps.

I wasn't listening.

I'm crying, because I'm...

I was peeling onions in bed.

( sighs )

Well, what am I supposed to do now?

Sit in my wedding dress and watch Seahunt?

No, Vernie, it's going to be okay.

Yeah, I think it will. I think he understood.

Yes, he did.

Shirl?

You're welcome.

Laverne?

Hmm?

I just wasn't fair the other night.

Carmine won me all these stuffed animals, and...

I want you to have my panda.

What's the matter, Laverne?

I like the horsie better.

Take him, he's yours.

I was going to make a little suit for my panda, anyway.

Pop, I got to tell you something.

I know.

Cancel one grandson.

Someday, you'll get a grandson, I promise.

Don't hurry, there's no hurry.

I'm too young to be a grandfather.

Yeah, I'm sorry I disappointed you, Pop.

Aw, muffin...

you can never disappoint me.

I wasn't a boy.

I didn't blame you for that.

I blamed that doctor.

That dummy doctor, he couldn't keep anything straight.

I'd like to see him, I'd like to do a few things...

Come on, Laverne, we're going to do the stroll.

Come on!

( "You Send Me" plays )

One, two, three, four...

Whoop!

Hey!

Hey, I got it.

Yeah, that's it.

¶ Darling, you thrill me

¶ Honest, you do...

( theme music playing )

¶ We're gonna do it

¶ On your mark, get set and go now ¶

¶ Got a dream, and we just know now ¶

¶ We're gonna make that dream come true ¶

¶ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ¶

¶ Make all our dreams come true ¶

¶ For me and you.