Original subtitles

¶ One, two, three, four

¶ Five, six, seven, eight

¶ Schlemiel, Schlemazel

¶ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated

¶ We're gonna do it

¶ Give us any chance, we'll take it ¶

¶ Read us any rule, we'll break it ¶

¶ We're gonna make our dreams come true ¶

¶ Doing it our way

¶ Nothing's gonna turn us back now ¶

¶ Straight ahead and on the track now ¶

¶ We're gonna make our dreams come true ¶

¶ Doing it our way

¶ There is nothing we won't try ¶

¶ Never heard the word "impossible" ¶

¶ This time, there's no stopping us ¶

¶ We're gonna do it

¶ On your mark, get set and go now ¶

¶ Got a dream, and we just know now ¶

¶ We're gonna make that dream come true ¶

¶ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ¶

¶ Make all our dreams come true ¶

¶ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ¶

¶ Make all our dreams come true ¶

¶ For me and you.

( whistle blows )

Laverne and Shirley is filmed before a studio audience.

This place is failing apart.

Someone took all the toilet paper out of the ladies' room.

Shirl, why'd you take the paper?

Because I'm making tiny little carnations

for our high school reunion.

Aren't they festive?

Boy, you're a corker.

Thank you.

You really work your little heart out

planning these reunions, don't you?

I do my best.

In the three years since we graduated,

how many reunions have we had?

Four.

Do you really think people want that many reunions?

I admit having two the first year

was a mistake, but I've learned my lesson.

Uh, how can I say this

without hurting your feelings?

Your reunions stink.

Boy, you really sharpened

your darts today, didn't you, Laverne?

I'm sorry, but they're very, very boring.

People love my reunions.

People don't love your reunions, Shirl,

people avoid your reunions.

How many people came the first year?

Eighty-five.

And how many people came last year?

I didn't count.

There were seven.

I didn't count.

There were seven.

Seven people wearing 25 carnations.

We looked very silly, Shirl.

Well, who knows who will show up this year?

I know.

The same people who show up every year.

People I didn't want to see then,

people I don't want to see now,

and people I don't ever want to see again.

Hello.

Hi, ladies.

We got our invitations.

Yeah, we're going to be there.

I rest my case.

And, uh, here's another dart for you, Shirl.

I'm not coming this year.

What do you mean you're not coming, Laverne?

You have to come.

You're my co-hostess.

How will I explain it to everybody?

Very simply.

Just talk to them one at a time.

It should take you two minutes.

Where are you going with my flowers?

To the ladies' room.

No!

I got peanut butter. What do you got?

Spaghetti.

LAVERNE: I'm not going to your reunion.

I'm glad you're not going.

I want to come home from my reunion

and find you here all alone.

And I'll write in my diary what a wonderful time I had,

and you'll write in your diary,

"Shirley was right,

"I should have gone to the reunion.

Boy, am I stupid."

I don't even have a diary.

( knocking at door )

You should keep a diary, for your children.

Why?

It would just be filled with lies anyway.

Who is it?

It's me, the Big Ragoo.

Hi, girls.

Hi.

I brought your mail, Angel Face.

Thank you.

This must be yours, Laverne.

Oh, great.

Another ad for the removal

of unwanted facial hair.

It's a yes! It's a yes!

I got a yes!

For what?

For the reunion.

Oh, that.

It might be a joke.

This is no joke.

This is from Anne Marie.

Polanski?

I haven't seen her since graduation.

Whatever happened to her?

She lives in Chicago now.

She's going to be here Saturday.

I remember you girls used to be like

The Three Stooges.

That's Musketeers.

Oh, was it? Oh.

Anne Marie...

what a crazy girl she was.

Yeah.

Boy, remember the time she put the ad

in the newspaper to sell the school?

Hey, I got a great idea.

I'll spread the word around

that the Three Musketeers are back in action.

That ought to get you

a good turn-out, Shirl.

All right? Great idea, huh?

Good, I'll tell the guys on the football team

that Anne Marie's back.

You know, she used to practice with them.

Yeah, I remember she used to be

a lot of fun in the huddle.

Oh, wow, remember what they used to call us?

Gutsy, Nutsy, and Clutsy.

Boy, remember the time Anne Marie

and you slept over at my house

and Lenny, Squiggy and Hector tried to crash?

Yes, oh boy did I fix their wagons.

You?

You did nothing.

It was all Anne Marie's idea.

Watch her, watch her, watch her, watch her,

watch her, watch her, watch her,

watch her, watch...

Look how good she does that, Shirl.

( coughing )

You better go open a window.

If my father smells smoke we're dead,

if we don't die from this first.

( screaming )

Never fails.

Every time we sleep over,

Lenny, Squiggy, and Hector show up.

Yeah, I'm going to get a water balloon

and pelt them one right in the head.

Ah-ah, I can handle this.

Get out of here, creepos!

( screaming )

They got a camera, Anne Marie.

You get that, Hector? Yeah.

Don't waste your flashbulbs.

Wait until they're naked.

I'm-I'm blinded.

I'm calling the police.

The police?

That's all right, just tell them

you're with Life magazine.

Come on, Squiggy.

I'm from Life magazine.

Not them, stupid, the police.

My balloon broke.

Forget about that.

I got a plan.

Listen to this.

Oh, Hector.

You want pictures?

No, no, no, no, I can't.

Or you want to come in here

and let us give you

a little party you'll never forget.

I'll be right in.

Try the door, Hector.

I'll try the door.

Oh, this is a crazy idea.

It's a great idea.

All you have to do is act sexy.

No. No, I can't.

I'm not allowed.

Shirl, just think about it.

Hector's been bothering us for years, right?

Right.

He's ruined every party we've had, right?

Right.

This is the perfect chance to get even.

Think about it, it'll be a riot.

( giggling )

That's my Shirl.

That's the girl I got kicked out of the Brownies with.

Come on, sit up and act sexy.

Okay, just get Hector

as crazy as you can, okay?

If you got it, flaunt it.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Boy, you girls got great pajamas.

Thank you.

We were just discussing

how we'd love to have some he-man

come by so we could show him a real good time.

And here you are.

You wouldn't mind having a real good time,

would you, Hector?

As long as it don't hurt.

You know,

I've always admired you from afar, Hector.

Sure.

What about Anne Marie, and Shirley?

What's the matter, Hector?

The three of us too much for you?

The three of you?

( mumbling )

The three of you, sure.

Okay, get in the closet and...

get ready.

We'll get ready out here.

When should I come out?

Count to 100.

Five, ten, 15, 20...

By ones, Hector.

One, two, three, four...

( laughing )

We can take his picture

and plaster it all over school.

Boy, that'll teach him to be a Peeping Tom.

Yeah.

Okay, now let's all just get ready.

Hi, girls.

( shrieks )

Uh, hi, Pop.

Hi. Hi.

Let me take your coat.

Oh, what are you doing home so early?

I'm bushed.

Four bowling leagues, 200 pizzas.

LAVERNE: What about the inventory?

POP: They ate it.

Uh, well what about taking inventory

of your pizza trays or oven paddles?

What, are you crazy?

I'm bushed, I'm staying home tonight.

( groans )

What are you all standing there looking so funny?

What have you got, a guy in the closet?

( laughing )

Oh, boy, you look tired, Pop.

Why don't you go to bed?

Yes, you look all tired, all drawn out.

LAVERNE: Yeah.

I got to unwind.

I know what I'll do, I'll turn on Jack Paar.

Uh, no, it's a terrible show tonight, Pop.

They're doing a tribute to Jose Melis.

I like Jose Melis.

HECTOR: 97, 98, 99, 100.

What the...?

Let the good times roll!

Hi. I'm from Life magazine.

I'm going to kill you!

( shouting )

Boy, it was Anne Marie's idea

and you got grounded three months for it.

Yeah, but it was worth it.

Hector never bothered us again.

No.

She's going to drop by here first.

It's going to be a great reunion

with Anne Marie there.

Are you coming, Laverne?

Yeah, I'm coming.

I knew you'd come crawling to me,

begging on your knees, to come to my reunion.

Okay, let's forget the whole thing.

Oh, no, oh, please, Laverne,

please, please, come.

I won't make you wear a carnation.

I'm begging you, please, please...

( pounding )

( knocking at door )

Who is it?

It's Anne Marie, Shirley.

Welcome, Nutsy!

What's new?

( shower running )

ANNE MARIE: Hey... hey, Shirley,

where do you keep the towels?

Uh, they're in the cabinet, Anne Marie.

The ones with the "Hotel Pfister"

written on them were gifts.

I said that with a Bible in my hands!

Did she get here?

Yeah, she's in the bathroom.

Great. Hey, Nutsy!

Laverne, I have to talk to you for a minute...

Is that you, Laverne?

You bet your buns, it's me.

No, no!

Haul it out here.

I want to take a look at you.

Watch your mouth, Laverne. Watch your mouth.

What are you talking about? She loves it.

Hey, I picked up some extra beer,

in case we get lucky tonight and pick up some fellas.

Give me that!

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Give it to me!

We won't get lucky.

Laverne!

Nutsy, hey!

Oh, you look terrific!

Hey, remember this one?

Fillmore High, we wish you well.

If you don't like it, go to h...

Heck! Heck! Heck!

I-I...

Yeah, I remember that one.

Boy, Anne Marie, you haven't changed a bit.

Oh yes, yes, she's changed...

She's changed, Laverne.

What are you talking about?

Old love 'em and leave 'em Polanski?

I bet in Chicago there's a lot of the old vo-de-oh-do-do, huh?

Vo-de-oh-do-do...

I'm a nun.

( laughs )

Nutsy's a nun, right?

( laughs )

What a kidder she is!

I really am a nun, Laverne.

Ho, ho, ho...

A nun.

She's a nun, Shirl.

A nun!

A nun...

A nun's nice.

Uh... did you see our shrine here?

Look, I know it's kind of a surprise.

Oh, no.

Don't let it bother you.

Oh, no.

I think I'll go get dressed.

Be ready in a few minutes.

( door shuts )

( groaning )

I just said, "bet your buns" to a nun.

Is that a sin?

It's out of my hands now, Laverne.

Boy, this is going to be some great reunion.

Everyone's going to really have a ball

strolling down memory lane with a nun.

( cheering )

CARMINE ( shouting ): Hey, hey...

California orange, Texas cactus.

We play your team just for practice!

( cheering )

( whistles )

Boy, I tell you, the old class

is really excited about seeing Anne Marie again.

Whoo!

Yeah, see, I tell you something.

When I see Anne Marie, I'm going to ask her to dance.

She ain't gonna dance with you.

Oh yeah? You want to bet?

Yeah, I'll bet you five dollars she don't dance with you.

Five dollars! That's my hair tonic money for a month!

Chicken!

( clucking )

All right, all right! ( yells )

All right, it's a bet.

Welcome. Welcome, Class of '56.

( cheering )

Everyone remembers Anne Marie.

( cheering )

( cheering stops )

Hi.

Hi, Anne Marie.

Want to dance?

¶ Pretend you're happy when you're blue ¶

Thank you.

¶ It isn't very hard to do

See, I was right.

This is my best reunion ever.

Can't you see what's going on, Shirl?

Nobody is having a good time.

Look at poor Squiggy.

It breaks my heart to see him like that.

He's having fun.

Everybody's having fun.

It's just a different kind of fun.

What kind of fun?

The kind where you walk out, get on a bus and leave?

'Cause that's what they're all doing, Shirl.

They said they'd be back right after the movie was over.

Face it, Shirl, everyone feels

uncomfortable around Anne Marie.

That's why no one is talking to her.

Lenny's talking to her.

He's confessing.

...I copped a yo-yo from Spencer's department store.

That's when I was 11.

Then I cheated on a hygiene quiz in ninth grade.

That may not count, 'cause I flunked it anyway.

I think I'm okay for the tenth grade,

'cause I was out the whole year with ringworm.

Excuse me, Leonard.

Oh, you can't catch it from me now.

I used that yellow soap...

Uh, Lenny, nuns don't hear confessions.

Oh. Well, could you pass this on to a priest?

What's the matter, Anne Marie?

I think I'd better leave.

I'm throwing a real damper on this party.

Oh, no... You happy now?

You depressed a nun.

Oh...

Let's go.

No, no, no, wait.

The fun's barely begun.

I've got an idea.

And now, presenting "The Alma Mater."

Let's all stand up, join hands,

and sing "The Alma Mater."

Come on!

¶ Hail to thee, my alma mater

¶ Fillmore Millard High

¶ We salute thee, alma mater ¶

¶ As the years roll by

¶ Onward, onward, to the future ¶

¶ Letting freedom ring

¶ 'Tis to thee, our gold and purple ¶

¶ That we ever sing

¶ O'er the years we'll oft remember ¶

¶ Passing through your sacred halls ¶

¶ Gold and purple, we adore thee ¶

¶ Fillmore High, my life

¶ My all.

Oh, memories.

HECTOR: ...94, 95...

What's that?

...96, 97, 98...

Oh, I forgot!

...99, 100.

Hey, Anne Marie, remember this?

Life magazine!

I remember you! I remember...!

Where's Anne Marie?

She stopped by the church.

She's dropping Lenny off.

Did you know she was leaving tonight?

I know she's leaving tonight. She told me this afternoon.

I'd like to thank you, Laverne, for making this

the most humiliating evening of my entire life.

Look, when I heard Anne Marie was coming,

I called up Hector.

It seemed like a natural.

Did I know she was going to become a nun?

Then in all the excitement, I forgot to call it off.

Things were going so well up until then.

Does your balloon ever land, Shirley?

Things were going crummy up until then.

And you want to know the truth?

Hector saved your reunion.

At least the people had a laugh.

Sure, they had a laugh.

A guy comes out in his shorts, everybody laughs.

That's right, because it was funny.

Especially those shorts that he wore.

( giggling )

Did you realize those were the same shorts

he wore four years ago?

Where he finds shorts with those little valentines on them,

I'll never know.

And then when my father chased him into the bowling alley...

He slid all the way down alley 12!

Oh, that must have hurt.

( both laughing )

Oh, I just feel rotten.

What's the matter?

We were just laughing.

I'm laughing at the same things I laughed at four years ago.

Yeah, because they're still funny.

But don't you see, Laverne?

Compared to Anne Marie,

I haven't grown one bit as a human.

I mean, she went to Chicago and became a nun.

I stayed in Milwaukee and became a bimbo.

You're no bimbo, Shirl.

Compared to her, I'm a bimbo.

She's a nun!

Compared to her, Eleanor Roosevelt's a bimbo.

I'm going to tell her

that we're weekend nurses.

Look, Shirl, if you want to be

ashamed of yourself, you go right ahead.

But I'm not going to be ashamed of myself.

Anne Marie was just like we used to be.

Worse! She was worse than we used to be.

But Laverne, don't you see? She made up for it.

I mean, dedicating her whole life to helping others.

Am I interrupting?

Oh, no, no. Oh, Anne Marie,

I'm so sorry you're leaving tonight. Oh...

I feel so terrible about this evening.

There's no need to apologize.

People act very strange when they meet an old friend who's become a nun.

Anne Marie, can I ask you something?

Sure.

Why did you do that?

After I graduated from high school,

I moved to Chicago, and I got the calling.

Uh...

I'm sorry, girls.

I can't explain it any better.

That's the way it happens.

It was the best way for me to serve God and people, too.

We're weekend nurses.

Uh, I thought you worked in a brewery.

Yes, yes, I admit it. We've wasted our lives.

We still laugh at... at... at Hector's undershorts.

Oh, we should have become nuns.

Hector's undershorts are funny, Shirley.

Yeah.

Oh, look, I don't think God wants everyone to become nuns.

You should be proud of your work.

I'm not ashamed of the old days.

Me, neither.

It's just that being a nun is what makes me happy.

And everybody should be happy,

on their own terms.

And everybody should be nice to each other.

( car horn honks )

Oh, that must be my cab.

I'll be back in town on Thanksgiving. Oh...

And I'll see you then? Okay.

Okay. Yes.

Well...

good-bye.

Can we hug you?

You bet your buns, you can.

You know, Laverne,

we should remember what Anne Marie said

about being nice to each other.

Yeah. Shirl?

I'm sorry I said your reunions stink.

You're a good person, Laverne.

Thanks.

And next year I won't give you a hard time,

and I'll be there with you.

Great!

I've got a lot of good ideas about next year's reunion.

I'm going to do a daisy theme.

No more carnations.

I've got all this yellow tissue paper

I've been saving up off of clothes hangars

in my bedroom. Come on!

If we start now,

by June we can have a thousand of 'em.

Boy, being a good person is not easy.

Daisies!

To be a good person,

to not be a good person...

to be a good person,

to be a bad person...

to be a good person...

( theme music plays )

¶ We're gonna do it

¶ On your mark, get set and go now ¶

¶ Got a dream, and we just know now ¶

¶ We're gonna make that dream come true ¶

¶ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ¶

¶ Make all our dreams come true ¶

¶ For me and you.