Original subtitles

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel ♪

♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ Give us any chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time, there's no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark, get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed before a studio audience.

( factory horn blows)

Come on, get on there.

Laverne... Huh?

Did you hear what happened in bottle capping?

It was terrible.

What happened?

It was just terrible.

I was there, I saw the whole thing.

What? What was terrible?

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, forget about it.

All right, I'll tell you.

They speeded up the conveyor belt;

Waldo couldn't keep up with the bottles.

He got a little confused and capped his thumb.

Was he hurt?

No, thank goodness.

But do you know how they got that bottle cap off his thumb?

A bottle opener?

You heard this story.

I'm standing here like a fool

telling you the story you've already heard.

A guess, Shirl, a lucky guess.

Well, I got one on at least.

Headed for the prom, Laverne?

No, I happen to be having lunch with Charles.

He takes me to false-eyelash-type places.

Oh. Charles.

"Oh, Charles."

What do you say it like that for, Shirl?

I can't help myself.

There's something about him I don't like. What?

I don't trust a guy who wears a pinky ring.

Well, I don't care. I like Charles.

He's a good-looker. He's got a new T-Bird,

and, for the two weeks we've been going out,

he's been a perfect gentleman.

Well, he makes me nervous.

What does he do for a living anyway?

I think he's some kind of businessman.

You've been going out with this guy for two weeks,

and you don't know what he does for a living?

I mean, how does he make all this money

that he takes you to fancy places with?

What, are you the Internal Revenue, Shirl?

Look, I happen to...

Uh-oh, here he is. Now be nice to him Shirl.

He thinks you don't like him.

I don't.

Especially when he taps that ring.

Laverne. Shirley.

Hello, Charles. ( factory whistle blows)

( forced): Hello, Charles.

Listen, Laverne, I feel like a real heel,

but something's come up, and I can't take you to lunch.

Something the matter?

Well, yes and no.

My cousin just phoned; he's in town.

And I'm just on my way out to the airport to pick him up.

( ring tapping)

Anyhow, my cousin's name is Buck.

He's from Arizona.

And I know he's going to want me to set him up with a nice girl

while he's in town...

you know, so we can double date.

( ring tapping)

Does your cousin wear a ring?

No. I'm afraid he's nothing like me.

He's a cowboy.

Oh, a cowboy.

Shirl loves cowboy movies.

That was when I was a kid.

She's still a kid at heart. Don't worry.

Great. We'll pick you up tonight at 8:00.

We'll go anyplace you girls want to go.

The sky is the limit.

Oh, I can stay in that limit.

Great. Then it's set.

See ya tonight.

Good-bye, Charles.

Hey, Laverne, I love your eye.

You're a real trendsetter.

( taps ring)

What's with him and my eye?

You got one eyelash on, Laverne.

You look like the jack of spades.

Well, why didn't you tell me

instead of letting me make a fool out of myself?

When? While you were setting me up with Cousin Hopalong?

Shirl, did I or did I not do you a favor

by going out with your cousin Benjy the welder?

The one who, among other things,

tried to solder my earrings together?

Now, Laverne, that is not fair.

You swore to me you'd never bring that up again,

and now you're bringing it up.

Well, I won't bring it up anymore

if you do me a favor and go out with the cowboy.

Come on. You owe me one, Shirl.

All right. I'll make Hoppy happy.

Come on, who knows? A cowboy.

Maybe he'll look like Gary Cooper.

Ha! With my luck, he'll look like Gabby Hayes.

Oh, Shirl, they're here. Haul it out.

All right, I'm ready.

But I warn you,

if I hear spurs jangling in that hallway,

I'm taking a pass on this whole evening.

Come on, Shirl, be nice.

( rapping on door)

He's knocking with his pinky ring.

Just open the door.

Who is it?

It's us... your dreamboats.

Hello.

Laverne and Shirley, I'd like you to meet

my cousin, Buck Wilson, and his suitcase.

You said you wouldn't mention nothing about my suitcase.

Oh, we would've noticed it after a while.

I like your suitcase.

Why don't you just come on in?

He carries it with him wherever he goes.

He's afraid some big city slicker

is going to run off with his branding iron.

BUCK: I ain't got no branding iron;

these is my private things.

Why don't we just mosey on down to the sofa

and sit ourselves a spell?

Mosey, mosey.

Buck's a little nervous.

He was afraid he wouldn't have anything to talk about.

Oh... Oh, that's so silly.

Yeah. Look, I'll start.

So, Buck, you're from Arizona, huh?

Yes, ma'am.

( tapping ring)

Stop it!

Want a shot of red-eye

to clear the trail dust out of your throat?

I don't drink.

He don't drink or smoke,

but he's a real interesting guy.

You know, he writes poetry.

Really? You write poetry?

Yes, ma'am.

I wrote a poem when I left Arizona.

You want to hear it? Yes.

"I cried and cried when I left Phoenix.

So hard I used a box of 'Kleenix.'"

"Kleenix?"

I think that's very imaginative.

I like poetry.

Well, sweetie, what are you girls up for tonight?

Well, we thought we'd like to have some dinner

and then maybe take in a flick.

How about The Wild One?

Oh, uh, violence

makes Buck a little queasy.

No.

No, we wouldn't think of doing that to a poet.

This is Buck's first evening in town,

and we're here to entertain you.

Now, what do you want to do? You just name it.

Well, there is just one thing I'd like to do

that'd really make my evening.

What is it?

Bowling.

( chuckles)

Bowling?

You never heard of it?

Of course I heard of it.

I was born bowling.

Laverne's father runs the bowling and pizza place

down at the corner.

Well, I'd like to go bowling with you.

Great. Let's cut out.

Uh, hang on.

Uh, will there be a lot of folks there?

Oh, sure. Well, I ain't going.

What did I say?

What's the matter, Buck?

Well, I ain't never bowled before,

and I ain't going out there and make a fool of myself

in front of a bunch of strangers.

Oh, Shirley does it all the time.

She stinks at bowling.

That's right. I...

Well, there is one thing we could do.

No, that'd be asking too much.

Ask.

Well, since your father runs the place,

maybe we could bowl a game or two after he closes.

Hey, I'd like that. That's a good idea, Charles.

Well, all right, you got it. All right with you, Shirl?

Sure.

Then it's settled.

We go out for a nice dinner, and then bowling.

We'll go get the car. Yeah.

Okay, we'll be right out.

Huh? Huh?

( laughs): Oh.

Buck's pretty cute, huh?

A real winner, Shirl.

I must admit, I'm pleasantly surprised.

Well, I hope you don't clam up

when you get with him alone.

I'll be as loose as I ever am on a first date...

A little of this, a little of that, but no petting.

Couldn't you do a little more of that?

I mean, he came all the way in from Arizona, Shirl.

I do not change my first date rules

for out-of-towners, Laverne.

I ain't no Welcome Wagon, partner.

Aw, you missed the turn.

I most certainly did not.

Oh, yeah? Then how come you just hit a cow?

That was no cow.

That was only a school bus.

Only a school bus?

That's ten points off.

Some dinner.

Hi, ladies.

Dessert on fire? I'll tell you... Hi, Pop.

Hi, sweetheart.

You know Charles.

This is his cousin Buck.

Is this the guy who's ashamed to bowl in public?

He's a very sensitive individual, Mr. DeFazio.

Please don't embarrass me. Just close up.

All right, all right.

( shouting): All right, everybody out!

Closing time!

Closing time, pal. Closing time.

Good-bye.

My father built his business on his charm.

Out, out, follow the thumb, thumb here.

Here, here, let's go.

Out, this way.

Everybody, move, move!

You want to show me the alley?

Oh, yes, I'd love to.

You're going to just love bowling, Buck.

I want you to think of the ball as a very heavy tumbleweed.

Don't worry, Pop. Everything will be all right.

I hope so.

I'm going to lock the door when I go out.

You're going to lose, you're going to lose.

I know more about driving than you do.

I got more tickets and everything.

Laverne.

Laverne, throw these bums out of here for me, huh?

I just washed my hands.

Your dad's right. These guys better leave.

Buck really doesn't want anyone watching him bowl.

All right.

Come on, guys, we're closing. Get out of here.

Oh, come on, I only got one more mile on the machine.

No, I think we're gonna win a free ride.

I'll give you a free ride.

Come on, come on.

Hey! What's the matter?

They're not hurting anybody.

Yeah, we weren't hurting nobody.

That school bus was painted on.

Well, they're not supposed to be here.

Hey, what's the matter? Are you all right?

Maybe we ought to go home. Let's go...

No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm sorry.

You better be sorry!

Squiggy!

Look, they're my friends.

I'm not proud of it, but... they are my friends.

You're right. It's okay, guys, you can stay.

Why don't you go on into the alley?

We're going to drive this into the alley.

It's a toy!

Would you just finish up and get out of here?

( murmuring)

I'll get you an after- dinner beer, Charles.

Okay.

Hey, Buck.

I loved cowboy movies when I was a kid,

and now I know why.

Sure enough?

Yeah, Charles, what is it?

Buck, I think it's time to go to the bathroom.

What about them?

Uh, no, thanks, we just went.

They're okay.

Go to the bathroom.

Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom.

I know. I heard.

LAVERNE: Here's your beer, Charles.

Thanks.

So, how's it going?

Well, Buck and I are getting a lot friendlier.

I sure would like to know what he has in that suitcase of his.

Beer, Buck?

( explosion)

Boy, he had to go bad.

What was that? What happened?

What happened here?

This is a holdup.

You're robbing the bathroom?

No, we just blew our way into the bank next door.

Ha! Now I know what he had in that suitcase.

He had dynamite in that suitcase!

Now guess what I got in this gun.

( gasps)

It's bullets.

This is a holdup.

Keep your hands up, and no one gets hurt. Come on. Come on

Now, remember you promised that, okay?

Don't worry. The police must have heard that explosion.

We have it all figured.

It takes the cops two minutes to get here.

You two idiots, get in the bathroom

and help Buck load up the money, come on.

Yes, sir, you're the gangster.

Don't be scared.

Well, now I know what Charles does for a living.

Come on, put your hands down.

Don't be upset, Laverne.

We're not here to hurt. We are here to steal.

Boy, are you a big disappointment, Charles.

I even had you penciled in as my New Year's Eve date.

You are a very rude man.

Oh, come on, girls, don't take it personal.

It's just business.

Besides, we had some good times.

Not enough for this.

I'm sorry I got you into this, Shirl.

It's okay.

Boy, this definitely rules out petting.

CHARLES: Come on, Buck, we're running late!

Okay, everybody on the floor!

Oh, no. Not on a first date, I don't.

Get down there.

Come on. On the floor, on the floor.

Wait a second.

This is my best outfit.

Do you know how hard it's gonna be to clean?

You know how hard it is to get bloodstains out?

Everybody get on the floor!

Get on the floor.

Now wait a minute, wait a minute.

I don't lie next to him.

What difference does it make?

( all talking over each other)

Okay. All right.

Boy, girl, boy, girl.

( all clamoring)

Buck, we've got half a minute.

Let's get out of here.

You stay put!

I think I got a plan.

We give them both a judo chop, and we get their guns.

Then we make them give us the money.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let's make them give us the money first,

and then we can buy our own guns.

Do you guys ever listen to yourselves talk?

They're gone already anyway.

Oh, no, they're not. I just remembered,

my father locked the door from the outside.

That's a better plan.

Laverne, sweetie, the door doesn't open.

Where's the keys?

Why should I tell you?

MAN ( over bullhorn): All right, in there.

This is the police.

The place is surrounded.

Come out with your hands up.

Now what are we going to do, Charles?

You said we had two minutes.

Well, they came a few seconds early. So kill me.

You idiot!

It's an expression.

Calm down. I'll figure something out.

You'd better. I'll go watch the back.

See? I told you the police would get here.

All right, okay, all right...

Ha, ha! Okay, Charlie, so the gig is up.

Those coppers won't be satisfied

until they see your guts

splattered all over the pavement.

You may as well give yourselves up.

I don't have to.

I got hostages.

Right.

You had to bring up splattering guts.

CHARLES: Okay, coppers, we got hostages in here...

Two defenseless girls and two... wimps.

You got 15 minutes to bring us an armored truck

to take us across the border to Canada.

If it's not here, we start tossing out hostages...

One every five minutes...

And they're not going to be breathing.

Oh, yeah? They'll have to kill me first.

That's what they had in mind, stupid.

They're going to kill us, Shirl... as in dead.

Oh, we're too young to die.

( whistling)

( whistling)

Uh, we were just leaving.

Uh, I have this very important

Army Reserve meeting I must attend.

Oh, nuts, oh, nuts, I just remembered,

I told my mother I'd be home by midnight for dinner.

Uh, well, I'd better be going.

Uh, good-bye, everybody.

So long, hostages.

I can give you a lift.

I'm going your way.

Let's go, let's go.

You guys are making me nervous.

Get in the bathroom.

The ladies' room?

Yeah.

Psst!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I have a question.

Who are you going to shoot first?

I don't know.

Well, I'll give you a buck

if you shoot him before me.

Get in there!

Now, you ladies stand right there,

and don't try anything silly.

Okay, coppers, your time is running out!

You got two minutes before we heave out the first body!

CHARLES: What do you say?

POLICEMAN: We don't make deals!

BUCK: Let me go get one of the clowns.

CHARLES: Wait a minute. Are you kidding?

If we kill one of those guys, the cops will applaud.

It's got to be one of the girls.

Check. I'll watch out back.

Right. The first one goes out in two minutes.

Oh... Oh... Oh... oh... two minutes!

I got two minutes to live!

Calm down, Shirl.

I'm going to die like Tom Dooley!

Get a grip I'm going of yourself. to die!

Oh!

Oh, I'm very calm now.

That smarts!

It hurts so bad... ( sobbing)

Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't cry.

You had to hit me.

You had to.

I'm not crying about that.

I'm just thinking of all the things in life that I missed...

All the things we should have done.

You know, Shirl, I never even had a facial.

I never even had a baby.

Oh, that would have been nice, Shirl.

But you know what we really should have done?

What?

I mean, once in our lives, we should have...

vo-de-o-do-doed.

You mean, done the deed?

If we die now, we saved it for nothing.

It wasn't for nothing, Laverne.

And it's too late anyway.

We still got two minutes.

With those crooks?!

I wouldn't give them the satisfaction!

No, not them. Lenny and Squiggy.

You crazy, Laverne?

Well, these are desperate hours, Shirl.

I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm talking about.

I don't think I want to go through eternity

linked with Lenny and Squiggy.

Besides, if it's gonna be anyone,

it's gonna be Carmine Ragusa.

He's waited so patiently.

FRANK ( over bullhorn): Laverne! Laverne, are you there?

What is this, you got your own private cop?

No, it's my father.

Go ahead and answer him from right here.

It's me, Pop!

FRANK: Are you and Shirley okay, Muffin?

Yeah, we're fine. We're just scared.

Well, don't worry.

You'll be all right.

They blew up your bathroom.

I don't care.

I'm just worried about you.

( sobbing) Thanks, Pop.

Was it the men's room or the ladies' room?

It was the men's room.

Figures.

I just put in new towels.

Okay, that's enough.

That's enough, Pop.

What a sweet and sentimental way to say good-bye.

Well, I'm not ready yet.

I'm not ready to die yet, Shirl.

What are you gonna to do, Laverne?

Whatever I have to.

Oh, no! No!

Good-bye, Shirl.

Good-bye, Vernie.

Oh... ( Shirley crying)

Oh, Charles...

I really hate to see you leaving so soon.

Yeah? How come?

Well, in all this excitement,

I sort of got turned on.

Yeah? I mean...

I wouldn't mind going to Canada with you.

Can I be your gun moll?

You're my kind of girl, Laverne.

Thanks.

You know, when I was a little girl,

my idol was a French lady.

Who?

The Statue of Liberty.

I don't know. I guess...

I don't know, she looked so elegant

with her torch up in one hand

and little ring binder in the other,

you know, saying, "Give me your tired, your hungry,

your gun!"

Ohhh!

( Shirley screaming)

Help, police!

Both hands out. Don't move.

What's going on?

Nobody move, this is a stickup.

All right, everybody, freeze!

I never saw such scuzzy-looking hoods.

No, no. They're just scuzzy.

They're the hoods.

Trying to be tricky, huh?

Charles, this is all your fault.

He's not even my cousin.

I met him at a dirty-book store.

Stop whining.

Now you'll have plenty of time

to write that stupid poetry.

Well, good night, ladies.

It was a lovely evening.

Laverne... He paid for dinner.

Good-bye, Charles.

I'll call you in, uh, eight to ten.

You know, "Phoenix" and "Kleenix" don't rhyme.

Ah, Squiggy, crime doesn't pay, huh?

Not the way they do it.

Hey.

SQUIGGY: Well, at least we got to see the inside of a ladies' room.

( sighing with relief)

Well, all I have to say is we did it.

We didn't die.

We're alive!

( yelling)

You all right? You all right?

Oh, yeah!

Aw! Oh, boy, you okay? Didn't...

Everything's good. Oh, wonderful.

They didn't hurt us. Oh, boy.

I'm going upstairs. I got to lie down.

Don't you want to see your bathroom, Pop?

I did. It's out on the street.

I'll turn out the lights.

Aah, well, I got to go home and lie down myself.

You see, Shirl?

You got to live each moment like it was your last.

From now on, I'm doing everything I ever wanted to do.

Everything?

That's right.

Tomorrow, Laverne DeFazio starts living.

You know, I realize you've been through

a terrible ordeal here tonight, Laverne,

but that's no reason to give up a lifetime of morals and ethics.

I made up my mind, Shirl.

Tomorrow... I'm going to go get a facial.

Oh!

I thought you were gonna go to do something smutty.

That's what I'm getting the facial for.

( theme music plays)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark, get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪