Original subtitles

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪

♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ Give us any chance ♪

♪ We'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any rule ♪

♪ We'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time, there's no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark, get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed before a studio audience.

Here's your milk, Shirl.

Come on, let's go eat outside.

Luncheon outside?

It must be 30 degrees out there.

Well, it's invigorating... Works up an appetite.

That's how the Swedes eat.

Please, Laverne, I'm reading my etiquette book.

You need etiquette for the places you go?

One day, I'd like to eat at a restaurant

where the menu doesn't have a picture

of burgers, fries and a Coke.

Come on, Shirl.

Let's go out and sit on the bench

and watch the men load up the trucks. That's fun.

That is not fun.

They make vile comments about my lunch.

"Hey, baby, how's your tuna fish?"

Well, I'm going to go outside.

Oh, I know what this is all about.

It's Friday, and you don't want

to be here when you-know-who

comes through with the Shotz Tour.

That's right, Miss Karen Clopton

with her nose stuck up in the air,

putting us down in front of the tour,

calling us unskilled labor.

Well, I got skills.

Laverne, please, don't make a scene.

They'll hear about it upstairs and you'll lose your job.

Now, promise me that you'll ignore her.

I promise I'll try.

You better, because Karen

would just love to get you fired.

And this is where the unskilled workers

take their break.

Shotz Beer is very democratic

in hiring people for their assembly-line jobs.

Don't push her, Karen.

You don't even need a high school diploma.

I have a diploma... And a punctuality pin.

Laverne is in bottling,

but don't worry, folks,

that girl's hands never touch the beer.

Put the bottle down. Put the bottle down.

Put the bottle down.

There. You showed very good self-control.

You behaved just like a lady.

I'm gonna wait for her after work

and stick her name tag up her nose.

No, no. That would not be ladylike.

What is ladylike?

You want to get even with Karen?

Yeah.

Beat her on the field of honor.

The vacant lot next to the bakery?

The bowling alley.

Yeah, I could give her a noogie with a tenpin.

No. What is tomorrow night?

The company bowling tournament.

Right! Beat Karen's team in the championship,

and she'll die.

Yeah.

If we really try, we can win.

We start tonight

right after work and practice?

That's the spirit, Laverne. You see?

Now, isn't this better than fighting?

You get even with Karen

and, at the same time, you preserve your human dignity.

Yeah, and then right after we win,

I'll just sort of saunter up to Karen, with all my dignity,

and say, "Karen..."

No, I kid, but Emily Post says... No, no...

See, Emily Post says that when you order an entree...

All right! All right!

Let's put the makeup away and stop the chattering.

They're all yours, Coach.

Okay, before we start practice tonight,

I want to go over a few of the problems we seem to be having.

Tina, you got to let go of your ball a little sooner.

It should roll down the alley, not bounce down the alley.

Right.

And, uh, Mildred, you have to hold on

to your ball a little longer.

Last year you left it on the bus.

Go with her, Tina. Call the bus company.

We'll wait here.

I, uh...

noticed that you didn't have any comments about my bowling.

Have I really improved that much?

No.

Oh. Well, then, I think that...

Look, Shirl, the reason

I don't criticize your bowling

is you're so sensitive and you always overreact...

Oh, hush, I do not overreact... You do, you do.

No, really, I don't. Try me.

Well, Shirl, when you bowl...

You take too many steps.

See there?

I didn't overreact.

I quit the team!

Oh, Shirl, Shirl.

I'm sorry, but nine steps is too many.

Nine is my lucky number.

23 is mine. If I followed your theory,

I'd just walk down the alley and kick the pins over.

With your feet, you wouldn't need that many steps!

Ho, ho, ho, well, with your mouth...

My mouth?

Oh, oh, bless you, Laverne.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. It's just a little chilly in here.

Chilly in here?

It's a thousand degrees in here.

Oh... Let me feel your forehead.

You're burning up.

Shirl, they're looking at us here.

Vernie, you've got a fever.

Oh, what did you expect?

You said it was a thousand degrees in here.

Here. Liquids.

Drink liquids.

I don't think you should practice.

If you practice, you're going to go in there,

get overheated, go out in the cold,

catch pneumonia, and die.

What are you talking about?

Wendy Balonka.

Oh, Shirl, not another one of your horror stories

about a head cold that wiped out a city block.

It took her two years to grow her hair back, Laverne.

Shirl, believe me, I am not sick,

and there is nothing in this place that will make me sick.

Hello, girls.

Laverne, you got any butter?

No butter here.

We don't need no butter.

Just let me give it one yank.

No, no, I wouldn't, I...

Ow! What are you trying to do?

You trying to rupture my hand?

This is serious.

Uh... bring me a good lubricant.

I'll try some olive oil.

How did you do that, Leonard?

I didn't do it, Shirley.

Karen Clopton did it.

Is Karen in there?

Don't think about Karen.

Yeah, I made some comment about her body

and she jammed this lady's ball on my hand.

Okay, if this don't work,

then we'll just chain the ball

to the back of the car and drag you

around the block for a half hour.

Hurry up. That's my scratching hand, too.

Boy, that Karen sure hates you, Laverne.

She called you... pelican-puss.

Pelican-puss?

Maybe it's some kind of compliment.

Yeah.

Maybe she don't know pelicans are ugly.

I'm going to kill her.

Bless you. Bless you.

What are you going to do, sneeze her to death?

Shirl, I got to go in there

and show that cow that she can't call me no pelican.

No, it was "pelican-puss."

Shut up!

I'm going to try, uh, uh, vinegar.

You promised to get even through bowling.

Now, let's go practice.

Yeah, all right... Gimme that ball.

What'd you do, lose it?

Who is it?

It's me, Carmine!

Can't be too careful these days.

Hey, the Big Ragoo is here.

Hi, Carmine.

What are you doing

carrying your socks around?

Oh, there's some people

from the Milwaukee Mercy Mission

in the building collecting

and, uh, they like it when you give them nice stuff.

What do you want, Carmine?

Oh, yeah, Laverne.

Hey, you all set for tonight, huh?

You're not nervous or anything?

You're not going to choke

on me, are you? No.

Good, because me, Lenny and Squiggy,

we got up 25 bucks for the game tonight.

Yeah? I just wanted to stop by

to wish you luck.

Thanks. Uh, Carmine, Yeah?

Laverne might not be bowling tonight.

She's a very sick girl.

Don't look sick to me.

She's sick. See there?

I am not that sick.

You don't understand.

Laverne is the only chance that your team has got.

What about me?

You're the other team's chance.

I don't get it.

You're not going to let me down,

are you, Laverne?

No, Carmine, first strike's for you.

Great.

I'll get some more money,

buy some new socks.

♪ You know I'd go from rags to riches ♪

♪ If you would only say you care... ♪

All right.

You lie down right there.

I'm going to fix you a nice cup of hot yeast tea.

Uh, I'll take a rain check.

I got to practice.

Laverne, the doctor's coming over here to see you.

What are you worrying about?

That's what you are, you're a worry-wart.

All right, fine, then the doctor will come over here,

say, "Shirley is a worry-wart.

Laverne is fine, she can bowl."

Otherwise, you stay right here in bed.

The team needs me.

The team will win for you,

just like in the movies.

You don't understand, Shirl.

You just don't understand.

I want to be there when we win.

I want to tell Karen what I've wanted to tell her

for the last five years.

I am so sorry I made such a big thing

out of this bowling tournament.

All right, I've said all I'm going to say.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going about my morning grooming.

You lie down right there until the doctor comes.

Okay, I'll lie down.

Maybe you're right.

You won't be sorry, Laverne.

You can get even next year.

I heard the trophy's going to be bigger,

and it'll give us a whole year to practice,

and maybe I can cut my steps down to eight.

Uh, now you just go to bed

and take it easy and you'll be better in no time,

and don't try to leave, 'cause you know

I'll catch you. I'm faster than you are, Laverne.

Laverne?! Laverne,

you know I can out-run you!

I may be sick, but I'm smart.

Get on the couch, Laverne.

The doctor will be right here.

Who'd you call?

Shipkowsky.

Shipkowsky? I never heard of him.

Yeah, well, he's new in the neighborhood.

A new doctor? What am I, a guinea pig?

Well, he may need the money and be cheaper.

Who is it?

Dr. Shipkowsky.

Come in, Doctor.

There's our patient.

What seems to be the trouble?

Uh, it's a serious cold.

You're a doctor?

Well, if I'm not, I'm going to get a parking ticket.

Aren't you a little young to be a doctor?

No, everybody in my graduating class was my age.

I'd like to wash up before I examine you.

Where's the, uh...?

The "uh" is down at the end of the hallway there.

That guy is not examining me.

Why not? He's a doctor.

Yeah, but he's young and handsome,

and he's got all his hair.

Before a guy like that examines me,

he marries me first.

Oh, Laverne, you look fine.

Oh, I wish I had worn my baby-doll.

Does my hair look okay? You look fine.

Look, all right.

Don't be silly, this man took an oath.

Uh...

I'll be glad to assist in any way I can, Doctor.

Well, thank you.

I better scrub up myself.

Now let's have a look at you.

Here I am.

There, Laverne.

That wasn't bad, was it?

No, it was kind of nice.

Can you come back tomorrow?

Laverne... It's the fever talking, Doctor.

Not tomorrow, the next day.

I'll be back on Monday.

Monday?! But, Harold, I got to bowl tonight.

No, it's out of the question.

It's bed rest until Monday. Then we'll see.

Come on, you gave me a shot. I feel better already.

I'm sorry, Laverne, but you got a bad cold.

If you don't stay in bed, you might get pneumonia.

Are there any further instructions for me, Doctor?

Here's something for right now.

I'll give Shirley a prescription for some more.

Hmm...

When she takes these pills,

don't let her drive or operate machinery.

Or bowl?

Don't worry, with these pills

she won't feel like doing anything like that.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Um, are you going to mail us the bill?

I'll bring it by myself. I kind of like Laverne.

She's got a great heart.

Yeah.

Good-bye, Doctor.

Bye-bye.

That man saved your life, Laverne.

Wasn't it nice of him

to come all the way over here

and make a house call?

Verny... Verny, are you really asleep

or are you trying to trick me like before?

You really are asleep, aren't you?

Well, let's just get your feet up onto the couch,

tuck you in.

Now, how to keep you here.

If I leave you alone, you will go bowling, I know you.

How am I going to...?

I got it.

"I hid all your clothes so you couldn't go out and die.

"P.S. Don't eat the last cupcake.

Love ya, Shirley."

Yeah?

Oh, good afternoon.

I'm Sergeant Helena from the Milwaukee Mercy Mission.

Uh, do you have anything for the needy?

Uh, I got one cupcake there.

No, no, I meant clothes.

Mr. Ragusa gave us all these lovely, uh, socks.

Yeah, he's a real sport.

Uh, look, Sergeant,

I'm sort of a little needy myself at the moment.

Oh, I'd be glad to talk with you about it.

No, Sergeant, really... Oh, my dear,

you really must take care of yourself.

First, maybe we should get you some warm clothes.

Warm clothes I wish.

All I got is what's on my back.

Oh, my dear, what happened?

Oh, maybe I can be of some help.

Help?

You got any clothes in there?

Oh, no, so far I've only got socks,

but maybe the Mission can provide you with something.

Uh, tell me, how did you get to be so needy?

Oh, it's a long story, Sergeant.

You see, I was orphaned at a very early age.

And, uh, my aunts and uncles all chipped in

and bought me these pajamas.

And, uh...

I'm going to get kicked out of my apartment

because I can't pay the rent.

I gave all my money to the neighborhood children and cats.

Oh...

And you were going to give me your last cupcake.

Yeah...

All right, Mrs. Mackintosh,

take your practice shot.

Now wait a minute.

Is this the lady what's gonna take over for Laverne?

Yes.

We're down the drain.

Don't worry, she'll do fine.

All right, Mrs. Mackintosh,

give it your best roll.

Let's get out of here.

Why don't you just let us take the trophy home now?

You haven't got a chance.

We're going to win this tournament, Karen,

for my sick friend Laverne.

Laverne's not sick. She's a coward.

She's afraid to show up here and take a beating.

Laverne is here!

She's here!

She's here!

What are you doing here? You look terrible!

She's okay, she's okay.

She took all the pills to perk her up.

Those pills do not make her perky,

they make her jerky.

What is this she's dressed in?

This is what they call a missionary uniform.

She just had lunch with 20 bums.

Good soup.

Well, I see Pelican-puss has made it.

Let's get started.

You're going to bowl, aren't you, Laverne?

Yeah, the team needs you.

No, no, Laverne can't bowl.

Yes, she can.

She can't, she looks terrible.

Let's leave it up to her.

What do you say, Laverne?

Good soup.

There are no holes.

What do you mean there are no... Thanks.

♪ I'm walking ♪

♪ Yes, indeed, I'm talking ♪

♪ 'Bout you and me, I'm hoping ♪

♪ That you'll come back to me ♪

♪ And I'm lonely as I can be ♪

♪ And I've waited for your company ♪

♪ I'm hoping that you'll come back to me ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when the well runs dry ♪

♪ I'm gonna run right by your side ♪

♪ For you, pretty baby, I'd even die, I'm walking ♪

♪ Yes indeed, I'm talking ♪

♪ 'Bout you and me, I'm hoping ♪

♪ That you'll come back to me ♪

Hey, Karen, you done bad!

Thank you!

Come on, Laverne, Laverne, Laverne.

Come on now, come on, this is the last frame.

You got six more pins.

And if you do it, we're winners.

Come on.

I can't get up.

That's it girls, she's quitting! We win!

She is not quitting.

Are you quitting?

No, I'm just not walking.

I can't get to the foul line.

Get me to the foul line.

Oh, we'll get her to the foul line.

Come on, guys.

Get the other side there.

This is exciting.

Yeah, it's just like Beat the Clock.

Uh...

We only need six pins.

Just six pins.

Looking good!

Quiet, quiet! Quiet!

Everybody in the next room. Drinks are on us!

Well, you won.

Now you can tell Karen

what you been saving up five years to tell her.

Karen...

Laverne wants to tell you something.

It's all yours, Laverne.

Shirl... Can't do it?

You want me to do it.

Will you at least admit that you're sick?

All right.

Karen, Laverne would just like to say...

that your team played a fine game.

Better luck next year. Shake.

You see, Laverne,

it's a lot better to be sportsmanlike.

You understand?

To put the old...

Open your mouth and close your eyes

and you will get a big surprise.

After what you did to me tonight?

Boy, you were a jerk.

"Good luck next year. Shake."

Well, if you feel that way about it,

why don't you pick yourself up,

go over to Karen's house and do what you have to do.

Because I can't do that.

Not after your sweet as sugar speech.

Then I'll come off looking like the bad one,

like I always do.

No, it's got to be you who does it.

I don't see why. We won. Isn't that enough for you?

No.

I wanted to get Karen.

Laverne,

I just can't go up to somebody and go...

I can't do that. I just can't do that.

Well, then I just can't take my medicine.

You'll take your medicine.

Sure, go ahead, call the doctor.

Be a squealer.

Tell Harold I won't take my medicine.

Probably break our date for the circus.

Hello, Karen?

This is Shirley...

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark, get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪