Original subtitles

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we return you

to America's leading sex therapist on radio,

Florence Nightingale.

That was a great tape sent in by a listener,

an authentic recording of her first anal experience

when she accidentally mixed up the K-Y with the Bengay.

Who's next?

I have a problem and I'm sick about it.

Well, Florence Nightingale makes sick people feel better.

I've got to give some head right away.

- Right away? - Yes.

Why?

I have a lunch date

and if I don't give some head right away,

before I reach the table, I know I'm going to overeat.

Ah, yes, the modified Scarsdale.

Anybody out there in a hurry for some head?

Stay tuned

while our Guest Number 8 has a light late morning snack

to the rhythms of a hustle.

There she goes.

[moaning]

Right on.

That's beautiful.

[smooth jazz music]

[moaning]

You are listening to Florence Nightingale, radio's leading sex therapist.

[smooth jazz music] [moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[whimsical orchestral music]

[whimsical orchestral music]

See you later, honey.

I thought this was going to be

the most difficult letter I would ever have to write,

but the Wall Street Journal in my face this morning

suddenly made it one of the easiest.

This is the day on which I'm going to finally belong to myself,

the day when I won't have to say when you come home, "Hello, pumpkin,"

and then kiss you all over.

You know I don't like saying, "Hello, pumpkin" anymore.

It sticks in my throat, like so many things these days.

I used to like to say it, but not anymore.

Want to know what I'm going to do?

Well, to begin with,

I'm going out without any panties on for the first time in my life,

and at 10 o'clock, my day truly begins.

I have an appointment

for an intimate interlude with, would you believe it, another woman.

I answered an ad in one of those newspapers,

the kind where the ink always smudges.

I will have one hour, from 10:00 to 11:00, to be with her.

Did you ever suspect

what evil thoughts lurked in the hearts of housewives?

I don't really know if I can pull this off,

but I'm going to try.

I don't know if you'll understand,

but I hope so.

I want to feel free.

Can't say when and if I'll be home.

Don't wait up.

Signed, me.

[dramatic music]

[moaning] [swooning orchestral music]

[moaning]

[dramatic music]

Honey, what time are you coming home tonight?

Early.

When I do, I'm going to bring you something special.

Bye-bye.

See you later. [Laughing]

[soaring orchestral music]

[phone ringing]

I made the appointment for 10 o'clock.

Oh, yes.

Now, what can I do for you?

You're married?

Yes.

You're bored?

Yes.

Feel you haven't tasted life?

I want to be free.

You are free.

Haven't you ever heard of Abraham Lincoln?

Relax.

I want to have an experience

with someone of the same sex.

You seem too nervous.

That's because I am.

Go put your things over there.

Relax.

[chuckling]

My astrologer was right.

She was?

Yes.

She said I'd get turned on by the first person I met today.

I excite you?

Yes.

I think it's your hair.

Now you're getting me all nervous.

Really?

You're nervous?

Very nervous.

[moaning] [moody music]

[moaning]

[beeping]

It's time for the Florence Nightingale Show.

- Cream of the Crop. - Cream of the Crop?

We now return you to

- the Florence Nightingale Show. - Yes.

- Hey, listen, you're still very tense. - Now we will...

Why don't you go see Florence Nightingale?

She might be able to help you.

I bet she could be just the one for you.

You can tell her Betty sent you.

Don't be discouraged.

When can I see you again?

Tonight?

No, not tonight.

My boyfriend is coming back tonight.

He has first refusal rights after six o'clock.

[dramatic music]

[phone ringing]

Florence Nightingale.

What?

How do I know so much about crabs?

I learned about them from scratch.

Number 9.

Now, what can I do for you?

Ms. Nightingale,

ever since I heard your voice, I've wanted to fuck you in the ass.

Sure, baby.

How can I refuse a smooth talker like you?

Yes, do it.

[indistinct chatter]

Florence Nightingale will now be well-reared by Guest Number 9.

Ooh.

Ooh.

- Oh, yes. - Ooh.

Ooh.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Ooh.

Oh, I'm getting fucked in the ass.

[applause]

Hi.

[moaning]

[applause]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[applause]

[moaning]

[applause] [moaning]

I think he's cumming.

[moaning]

Yes, he is.

[moaning]

[applause]

Well, that not only feels good, but it helps you sit up straight.

- [applause] - Now, I'm going to play a tape for you

from a listener who had a celebration dinner

when she became a slave,

first class, with six merit badges.

This is her tape,

as she reads with a gag in her mouth,

and the gag has been soaked in Dr. Pepper Diet Soda.

That's going a little too far.

Whatever you're doing now, take a break from the day's tensions.

Sit down and relax.

The Punishment of a Naughty Girl.

[moaning]

Yes.

[moaning]

Oh, God.

Oh, God, yes.

[moaning]

Oh, God, yes.

[moaning]

And now, we continue with the Florence Nightingale Show,

the most exciting sex therapy show on the air.

Number 10.

What can I do for you?

I'd like a blow job and a fuck.

Don't say blow job.

Why not?

Makes it sound too much like work.

Anyway, listeners, I've had this itch in my throat all morning

and it just won't go away.

[laughing]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Florence Nightingale will scratch an annoying itch.

[moody music]

Hmm, it's delicious.

[laughing]

I can't wait to get you home,

I'm going to kick the shit out of you.

Hmm.

I'm going to take hot needles and stick them up under your skin.

Ooh.

[moaning]

Then, I'm going to take cigarette butts and burn you with them.

Ooh.

[moody music] [moaning]

[moody music]

You're really into this.

They don't call me the Swallow of Capistrano for nothing.

I'll bite you so hard, your nipples are going to scream.

Ah.

[moaning]

Oh, I'm going crazy.

Relief is but a swallow away.

[laughter]

[moaning]

[applause]

[moody music]

[applause]

Let me kiss you

and stick my tongue in your mouth.

What are you, some sort of perverted jerk?

What do you think I am? Just a sex object?

Jesus Christ.

Number 19.

We now have a regular guest back with us to relate a story

that proves the old adage, "It's all in one's mind."

I have a really fascinating story to tell.

We're all ears.

Well, it was a beautiful, sunny day,

and these two joggers are jogging along,

and they came along with these two bicyclists.

Well, you won't believe what happened then.

[moody music] [moaning]

[moody music]

You might say they lived happily ever after.

[laughter]

I just love stories with happy endings.

Number 25.

Is anyone here holding number 25?

If you are, please raise your hand.

[laughter]

I have a problem.

Not anymore you don't.

I went to see Betty.

Oh, yes. [Indistinct]

Well, that didn't work out too well,

although I tried.

I really did.

She said I was too nervous and tense,

and that perhaps, to be really free,

I should come and see you.

And well, here I am.

Perhaps I made a mistake.

Why don't I just go?

No, don't go, it wouldn't be kosher.

Folks, here's an example of an unendangered species,

the housewife with an urge for adventure,

an urge that usually starts to fade as the sun goes down.

Do you want to know if you're really serious?

Try to go to a public bar

and fuck the first guy that comes on to you.

You think you could do that?

[applause]

[dramatic music]

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Hi, baby.

I'd like you to come over and suck my cock.

I can't hear you.

I said, "Come over and suck my cock."

What did you say?

I said, "Come over and suck my cock."

Can you talk louder?

Come over and suck my cock.

Say that again, I can't hear you.

Come over and suck my cock.

I can't hear you.

This is the operator and I can hear him perfectly.

Well, then, you go over and suck his cock.

Hmm.

[indistinct chatter]

[funky music] [indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

What will it be?

I'll have a rum and Coke.

You got it.

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

[moaning] [funky music]

[moaning]

[funky music]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[indistinct chatter] [moody music]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning] [moody music]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

Hey, guys...

[funky, upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

[dramatic music]

[phone ringing]

[dramatic music]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moody music]

[moaning]

Ah.

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[moaning]

[music]

You're something real special.

I'd like to take you home to meet my old lady.

All right.

[moody music]

[giggling]

Well, hello again.

I told you I'd bring you something special, didn't I?

That she is.

How are you, babe? I'm good.

I missed you.

- [laughing] - I missed you, too.

[laughing]

Hey, come on and join us. Will you?

Come on. [Laughing]

Come on, pumpkin.

[phone ringing]

Hey, don't just stand there, come on. Come on down.

Come on, and you said you want the new experience.

Hey, here's an experience for you.

Hey, come on.

What's the matter? Come on down.

[phone ringing] [indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

Come on. Come on.

[laughing]

[phone ringing] [indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, come on and join us.

Come on, dolly.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Hey, where are you going?

What the hell got into her?

Taxi.

Honey.

Honey.

On the left side. On the left, please.

Honey.

Honey, are you home yet?

Hello, pumpkin.

[moaning]

[moaning] [moody music]

[moaning] [moody music]

[moaning]

[moaning]

Oh, honey, what was in that note?

Nothing. Just a shopping list.

Oh.

Did you buy anything?

No, nothing.

Tried some things but they didn't fit.

Oh.

[upbeat orchestral music]

Hello,

this is Florence Nightingale, on one of my newest therapy tapes.

Tonight, after we practice our self-abuse exercises,

we're going to listen to one of our favorites,

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, singing Battle Hymn of the Republic.