Original subtitles

ARE YOU READY, KIDS?

Kids: AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

( louder ): AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!

* OH...

* WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? *

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! *

* ABSORBENT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE. *

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! *

* IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH... *

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! *

* THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH. *

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! *

* READY? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! *

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

( laughs heartily )

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION ( plays airy tune )

and NICKELODEON]

( sighs dreamily )

( gasps )

( grunting )

( gasps )

( grunting )

HMM.

HMM...

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

IF A FREE SALAD BAR DOESN'T BRING IN CUSTOMERS

WHAT WILL?!

( humming tune )

Krabs: SQUIDWARD!

UH, UH, YES, SIR?

THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE.

( gasps )

A CUSTOMER!

WELCOME TO THE KRUSTY KRAB!

SPONGEBOB, CATER TO HIS EVERY WHIM

AND DON'T SCREW THIS ONE UP.

AYE, AYE, SIR!

WELCOME ABOARD, SIR.

HERE AT THE KRUSTY KRAB, YOU ARE THE CAPTAIN

AND I AM YOUR CABIN BOY.

YOU JUST SAY THE WORD

AND I WILL THROW MYSELF IN THE BRIG.

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

ALL I WANTED WAS CHANGE FOR THE PAY PHONE.

AYE, AYE, SIR!

"MONSIEUR'S CHANGEZ."

THANKS.

( laughs nervously )

HERE YOU GO.

( sniffs )

( cash register rings )

YEAH!

( penny clinks )

AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED, PROFITS ARE WAY DOWN THIS MONTH.

WE NEED A GIMMICK TO BRING IN CUSTOMERS.

DO YOU LUBBERS HAVE ANY IDEAS?

I'VE GOT ONE-- A FREE PAIR OF SOCKS WITH EVERY PURCHASE.

UH-UH.

OR MAYBE DOUBLE-PATTY MIDNIGHT MADNESS!

OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!

I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!

HOW ABOUT "MOUTHFUL OF CLAMS" DAY?

EVERYONE WHO SHOWS UP WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CLAMS

GETS A FREE DRINK.

HUH? HUH?

WELL, UH... I WAS THINKING

MORE ALONG THE LINES OF LIVE ENTERTAINMENT.

THAT'S IT-- A FLOOR SHOW!

NO, WAIT, A TALENT SHOW

WITH YOUR HOST-- ME!

OH, THIS IS THE MOMENT I'VE...

I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN DREAMING OF.

THINK OF IT, MR. KRABS

YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING CULTURE

INTO THIS CULTURAL WASTELAND

WE CALL BIKINI BOTTOM.

( quietly ): AND NOT TO MENTION THE MONEY.

THE MONEY?

AND I CAN SEE IT NOW.

YOUR DAUGHTER, PEARL-- HER NAME UP IN LIGHTS.

LITTLE PEARLIE-- A STAR?

HOPPING CLAMS!

A TALENT SHOW!

I'M TALENTED!

I'D BETTER CALL THE FOLKS.

SQUIDWARD, YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.

MAKE MY LITTLE GIRL A STAR.

HEY, SQUIDWARD, WHAT TIME AM I GOING ON?

GOING ON WHAT?

THE SHOW!

WHEN AM I GOING ON THE SHOW?

I HAVE A GREAT ACT.

WHAT TALENT COULD YOU POSSIBLY POSSESS?

( blowing )

( shoes tapping )

TA-DAH!

( yawns )

NO ONE, NOT EVEN YOUR PARENTS, WOULD WANT TO SEE THAT.

WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT IS CULTURE, NOT DANCING BUBBLES.

OKAY, I GET IT.

DON'T WORRY, SQUIDWARD.

I'M GOING TO COME UP WITH THE MOST CULTURED ACT EVER!

( sarcastically ): I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

PHEW! THE ONLY CULTURE THAT GUY HAS IS IN HIS TENNIS SHOES.

HA, HA! TENNIS SHOES-- HA, HA!

I CRACK MYSELF UP.

WE ARE LIVE AT THE KRUSTY KRAB TALENT SHOW

FEATURING THE FINEST TALENT...

WOW! A FULL HOUSE.

( gasps ): THERE'S MOM AND DAD.

THEY ARE GOING TO BE SO PROUD!

HELLO, I'M MR. KRABS, AND I LIKE MONEY.

I GOT TO GET READY.

Squidward: LISTEN UP, PEOPLE

LISTEN UP.

GATHER AROUND, EVERYONE.

NOW, YOU MAY BE THINKING

THIS IS YOUR ONE SHOT AT THE BIG TIME.

WELL, IT'S NOT.

IT'S MINE.

HEY, SQUID, HOW ABOUT THIS FOR THE SHOW?

THE AMAZING MR. ABSORBENCY!

( sucking water )

WHOA!

TA-DAH!

TA-DAH!

NO ONE IS GOING TO WANT TO SEE YOU ENGORGE YOURSELF.

PLEASE, SQUIDWARD, LET ME BE IN THE SHOW.

I'LL DO ANYTHING, ANYTHING, ANYTHING!

SO, YOU REALLY WANT TO BE IN THE SHOW?

OH, YES!

OKAY, YOU GET TO MOP UP AFTERWARDS.

NOW, WILL YOU STOP BUGGING ME?

SO, THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE-- THE BIG TIME.

WITH THIS MOP, I SHAPE MY DESTINY!

( applause )

( clears throat )

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME

TO THE FIRST ANNUAL SQUIDWARD TENTACLES TALENT SHOW

SPONSORED BY THE KRUSTY KRAB

HOME OF THE KRABBY PATTY

BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WOULD GIVE IT A HOME.

( rimshot; Patrick guffawing )

( laughing )

UH... THANK YOU.

OUR NEXT ACT IS LIVING PROOF THAT NEPOTISM IS ALIVE AND WELL.

( laughing uproariously )

NEPOTI...

( laughing )

HA... THANK YOU.

PUT YOUR FINS TOGETHER FOR...

( laughing )

PUT YOUR...

( Patrick laughing )

PUT...

( Patrick laughing )

PEARL!

HOORAY!

MY LITTLE GIRL IS FINALLY A STAR!

GIVE ME A K-R-U...

( Pearl pounds floor, audience cries out )

GIVE ME A S-T-Y...

( crying out )

KRUSTY KRAB!

( crying out )

KRUSTY KRAB!

( crying out )

KRUSTY KRAB!!

NOW, THAT'S TALENT!

( loud crash )

THANK YOU!

MY LEGS!

( audience groaning )

THANK YOU!

( giggling ): THANK YOU.

( yelps )

HEY, SQUIDWARD, LISTEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHEN I MOP

SHOULD I GO FORWARD AND BACK?

NO, NO, WAIT-- SIDE TO SIDE.

( crash )

AND NOW, POETRY...

BY... GARY.

( clears throat )

( meowing )

( sighs dreamily )

HE HAS SUCH A WAY WITH WORDS.

( meowing slowly )

COME ON, COME ON, GINSBERG.

IF HE DOESN'T HURRY IT UP

WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR THE BEST ACT-- ME!

SQUIDWARD, SHOULD I USE MR. CLEANSER OR DR. CLEAN?

YES.

( applause )

I, THE AMAZING PLANKTON

WITH THE USE OF PRESTIDIGITATION

WILL MAKE A KRABBY PATTY DISAPPEAR BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES.

FIRST, I'LL NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE.

NICE TRY.

YOUR ACT'S OVER, BUB.

YOU MAY WIN THIS TIME.

SHEE-AH KAZING!

WELL, THIS STINKS.

( audience booing )

Audience: GET OUT! GET OFF THE STAGE!

SQUIDWARD!

THIS SHOW IS A DISASTER!

YOU'RE RUINING ME!

NOW, NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY, MR. KRABS.

I'VE SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST-- YOU'LL SEE.

FOR YOUR SAKE, I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.

Squidward: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

WE'VE SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE INCOMPARABLE SQUIDWARD!

( applause, horns playing dramatic fanfare )

( light orchestral melody playing, bird chirping, Squidward spurts rhythmically)

( hard-driving synthesized music playing, Squidward gurgling )

WHAT THE...?

( babbling rhythmically )

( audience booing )

I'M LOSING MONEY ON THIS DEAL.

IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY.

( booing )

YOU BOTTOM FEEDERS!

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW TALENT!

Audience ( chanting ): NO TALENT! NO TALENT! NO TALENT! NO TALENT!

HEY, SQUIDWARD, CAN I GO ON NOW?

YEAH, SHOW'S OVER.

( booing continues )

( booing stops )

HEY, YEAH!

THAT'S REALLY NOT TOO BAD.

I LIKE THAT.

ALL RIGHT!

( cheering and applause )

( cheering and applause stops )

( loud cheering and applause )

THEY WANT AN ENCORE.

STAND ASIDE, SPONGEBOB.

( loud cheering )

( cheering stops )

( groaning )

( loud cheering and applause )

( cheering stops )

( cheering )

( cheering stops )

( cheering )

( cheering stops )

( cheering )

( cheering stops )

( cheering )

YOU DID IT, SQUIDWARD!

WHAT A GREAT SHOW!

OH, MY SON'S A STAR.

WHO EVER KNEW HE HAD SUCH TALENT?

I'LL BE NEEDING ANOTHER WHEELBARROW

FOR NEXT WEEK'S SHOW!

( groans )

( cheering )

( camera shutters clicking )

Narrator ( in French accent ): AH, THE KRUSTY KRAB--

EVERYONE ENJOYING THEIR KRABBY PATTIES.

( screaming )

HUH?! WHAT'S THIS?

( screaming continues )

CAN YOU SPOT HER, MR. SQUIDWARD?

DOWN THERE, SIR!

THERE APPEARS TO BE A KRABBY PATTY-NAPPING IN PROGRESS.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE CULPRIT...

PLANKTON!

Plankton: FINALLY, VICTORY IS MINE.

I WIN, I WIN!

I WIN!

( laughing )

HE GOT AWAY, SIR.

NO!

HE'S FINALLY STOLEN ME SECRET RECIPE.

PERHAPS NOT, MONSIEUR KRABS, FOR IT'S...

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

AHA!

HEY!

OKAY, THAT'S FAR ENOUGH.

HUH?

TARTAR SAUCE!

YEE-HAW!

HAVE YOU SEEN A KRABBY PATTY?

IT'S ABOUT THIS TALL, AND...

WOW, A MAGIC SHOP.

ARE YOU A MAGICIAN?

ONE TIME I SAW THIS MAGICIAN

AND HE DID THIS THING, AND...

ANYWAY, AND THEN HE TOLD US

"IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

"AND WITH A TINY PINCH OF MAGIC

ALL YOUR DREAMS CAN COME TRUE."

( screams )

I CAN'T TAKE IT!

PLANKTON, IT'S YOU!

YES, AND AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

I THOUGHT I WAS THE MASTER OF TORTURE.

BUT THAT. THAT JUST WASN'T FAIR.

HERE!

TAKE THE STUPID PATTY.

I DON'T WANT THE SECRET RECIPE ANYWAY.

I GUESS MY RESTAURANT WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS THE KRUSTY KRAB.

( crying ): YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A LOSER.

( sobbing )

AW... CHEER UP, PLANKTON.

I THINK YOU'RE A WINNER.

WHAT... WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID YOU'RE A...

Others: LOSER!

HOW DOES IT FEEL

TO BE THE MOST HATED THING

IN BIKINI BOTTOM, PLANKTON?

IT HURTS, DOESN'T IT? I KNOW.

YEAH, AND FOR RUNNING YOU OUT

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE THIS KID

HONORARY TOWN ROOKIE OF THE DAY.

* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD ROOKIE *

* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD ROOKIE

* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD ROOKIE... *

SpongeBob: I BET IF HE HAD JUST ONE FRIEND HE WOULDN'T BE SUCH A MEANIE.

( cheering )

* WHICH NOBODY... WHATEVER.

( knock at door )

A CUSTOMER?

OUR SPECIAL TODAY IS CHUM... BALAYA.

HI, MR. PLANKTON.

HAVEN'T YOU DEGRADED ME

ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY?

NO.

I MEAN...

I WANT YOU TO COME OUT AND PLAY WITH ME.

WHA...?

PLAY... WITH... ME...

YOU KNOW HOW TO INDUCE THERMONUCLEAR FUSION?

NO, BUT I LIKE TO GO...

THAT NAIVE CUBE!

HOW LONG MUST I SUFFER THIS?

Computer: You're not letting him leave, are you?

Can't you see?

This is the perfect opportunity for revenge.

ELABORATE.

Befriend the sponge bath

then, when the time is just right, take the Krabby Patty!

TAKE... THE KRABBY PATTY.

Get moving, genius, don't let him get away!

...WITH MY FRIENDS IN JELLYFISH FIELDS.

ALL RIGHT, SPONGEBOB, I'LL PLAY YOUR LITTLE GAME.

RIGHT!

LAST ONE TO THE FIELDS

IS A ROTTEN CLAM!

SO, I GET THE BIG NET

AND YOU GET THE LITTLE NET.

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER WE EAT THEM?

YOU DON'T EAT THEM, YOU CATCH THEM, LIKE THIS.

* LA, LA, LA, LA-LA, LA, LA, LA, LA-LA. *

LIKE THAT.

AND?

THEN YOU THROW THEM BACK--

WATCH OUT FOR STINGERS.

STINGERS?

( screaming )

ALL KNEES WILL BOW TO PLANKTON.

HAIL, PLANKTON!

I WIN, I WIN!

IT'S NOT ABOUT WINNING, IT'S ABOUT FUN.

WHAT'S THAT?

FUN IS WHEN YOU...

FUN IS...

IT'S LIKE...

IT'S KIND OF...

SORT OF LIKE A...

WHAT IS FUN?

LET ME SPELL IT FOR YOU:

* "F" IS FOR FRIENDS WHO DO STUFF TOGETHER *

* "U" IS FOR YOU AND ME

* "N" IS FOR ANYWHERE AND ANYTIME AT ALL *

All: * DOWN HERE IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA. *

* "F" IS FIRE THAT BURNS DOWN THE WHOLE TOWN. *

* "U" IS FOR URANIUM... BOMBS *

* "N" IS FOR NO SURVIVORS WHEN YOU... *

PLANKTON, THOSE THINGS AREN'T WHAT FUN IS ALL ABOUT.

NOW, DO IT LIKE THIS:

* "F" IS FOR FRIENDS WHO...

NEVER!

THAT'S COMPLETELY IDIOTIC.

HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.

* "F" IS FOR FRIENDS WHO DO STUFF TOGETHER *

* "U" IS FOR YOU AND ME... *

TRY IT!

* "N" IS FOR ANYWHERE AND ANYTIME AT ALL *

* DOWN HERE IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA. *

WAIT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS--

I FEEL ALL TINGLY INSIDE.

SHOULD WE STOP?

NO, THAT'S HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL.

WELL, I LIKE IT-- LET'S DO IT AGAIN!

SpongeBob: OKAY!

Both: * "F" IS FOR FROLIC THROUGH ALL THE FLOWERS *

* "U" IS FOR UKULELE

* "N" IS FOR NOSE PICKING, SHARING GUM AND SAND LICKING *

* HERE WITH MY BEST BUDDY.

( both laughing in time with music )

ARGH... MUTINY.

Plankton: AND AFTER THAT

WE FROLICKED THROUGH THE FLOWERS AND THEN WE...

Sounds like fun.

THE REALLY FUN PART WAS WHEN WE...

Where's the Krabby Patty?

UH, THE WHAT?

The Krabby Patty, remember?

YOU CAN'T RUSH THESE THINGS, YOU KNOW.

Remember the mission.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

You're going native.

Look at yourself.

WHAT?

I HAVEN'T SEEN PLANKTON FOR A WHILE.

HE MUST BE SCHEMING.

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE HE'S CHANGED.

WHO KNOWS?

I THINK YOU KNOW!

HE'S CHANGED, I TELL YOU.

SPONGE BUDDY?

YOO-HOO!

PLANKTON BUDDY, LET'S GO.

I FORGOT THIS IS A NO-FRIENDS ZONE.

SPONGEBOB...

MAY I SPEAK TO YOU IN PRIVATE?

YOU WON'T MIND IF I SET THIS HERE, WILL YOU?

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT, MR. KRABS?

HE'S A THIEF--

LOOK AT THE LUST IN HIS EYE, HE'S...

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT OUR FRIENDSHIP?

HE'S JUST AFTER ME RECIPE.

I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

ARGH, YOU MUST BE HUNGRY

AFTER THAT LONG WALK OVER HERE.

OH, YES, BUT I'M SAVING MY APPETITE

FOR SOME POPCORN AT THE MOVIES.

UH... SUIT YOURSELF.

WE'VE HAD ENOUGH

OF YOUR LITTLE TESTS, MR. KRABS.

COME ON, PLANKTON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

MAYBE THE LAD WAS RIGHT.

MAYBE PLANKTON'S GONE STRAIGHT.

AND MAYBE SCALLOPS WILL FLY OUT OF MY PANTS!

HANG ON THERE, LADDIE, I'M A-COMIN'!

( movie soundtrack playing )

( squishing )

I SURE LIKE SEQUELS, PLANKTON.

HEY, BUBBLE BASS, YOU'RE SITTING ON MY FRIEND.

( squishing )

HEY, BUBBLE BASS...

THANKS FOR THAT, FRIEND.

SURE THING.

Krabs: LISTEN UP!

MR. KRABS?

HE'S DECEIVING YOU!

REACH INTO HIS POCKET NOW AND TAKE WHAT HE'S GOT!

YOU, TOO, BOY!

( gasps )

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

WHAT IS IT, THEN?

TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE HERE.

I... I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

( sobbing ): HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE IT?

OKAY, OKAY, I SEE IT.

IT'S A KRABBY PATTY, OKAY?

I COULDN'T HELP IT.

BUT WE SANG THE FUN SONG.

I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK.

HOW LONG?

HOW LONG WHAT?

HOW LONG WERE YOU PLANNING ON DOING THIS?!

TELL ME!

( crying )

WHAT?!

ALL RIGHT, IT'S TRUE!

I TRICKED YOU TO GET THE KRABBY PATTY!

BUT THEN YOU SHOWED ME FRIENDSHIP...

AND NOW I REALIZE...

THAT'S ALL I EVER REALLY WANTED.

REALLY?

NO, NOT REALLY.

BEING EVIL IS TOO MUCH FUN!

Oh, darling, I knew nothing would ever tear us apart.

( ripping )

MR. KRABS, HE'S GONE.

HE GOT THE PATTY.

HE WON.

HO-HO, NO, HE DIDN'T, BOY!

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEHIND THESE SCREENS?

SOLID CONCRETE!

( laughing )

( groaning )

I'M SORRY, MR. KRABS

I THOUGHT PLANKTON HAD CHANGED.

DON'T BLAME HIM, LAD.

NO FRIENDSHIP CAN WITHSTAND

THE ALLURE OF A KRABBY PATTY.

NOW, LET'S GO BACK TO THE KRUSTY KRAB

AND HAVE A FRESH ONE, ON ME!

AYE, AYE, MR. KRABS.

WELL, MAYBE AT A DISCOUNT.

HUH?

( screaming )

[Captioning sponsored by THE and NICKELODEON]

[Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]