Original subtitles

ARE YOU READY, KIDS?

Kids: AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

( louder ): AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!

* OH...

* WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? *

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! *

* ABSORBENT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE. *

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! *

* IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH... *

* SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS! *

* THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH. *

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! *

* READY? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! *

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

* SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

( laughs heartily )

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION ( plays airy tune )

and NICKELODEON]

Squidward: WOW!

SQUIDWARD, THIS IS THE BEST SOUFFLE YOU HAVE EVER CREATED!

( smacks loudly )

OH! CONGRATULATIONS, CHEF.

( water running )

( faucet squeaks )

( brushing )

( gargling, then spits )

( someone giggles )

( chair squeaks )

( two voices giggling )

( whispering )

SpongeBob's bubble: HI, PATRICK.

( laughs )

( inhales deeply )

( whispering huskily )

( pops )

Patrick: HI, SPONGEBOB.

( laughs )

( grumbles )

( SpongeBob laughing )

PATRICK, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

( mumbling gibberish )

Squidward: PATRICK, YOU ARE THE DUMBEST IDIOT

IT HAS EVER BEEN MY MISFORTUNE TO KNOW.

( mumbling gibberish )

Patrick: DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT, SPONGEBOB?

OF COURSE, PATRICK.

ANYONE WITH EYES COULD SEE THAT.

( bubble pops )

Patrick: YEAH, WELL, I THINK YOU'RE UGLY!

YELLOW IS UGLY!

( blows a raspberry )

PATRICK, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Squidward: SPONGEBOB

I NO LONGER WISH TO KNOW YOU...

( gasping )

YOU GIVE BOTTOM DWELLERS A BAD NAME.

( Squidward mumbling )

Squidward: IF I HAD A DOLLAR

FOR EVERY BRAIN YOU DON'T HAVE

I'D HAVE ONE DOLLAR.

( laughing to himself )

Squidward: HEY, PATRICK

I HEARD THERE WAS A JOB OPENING

DOWN AT THE PET SHOP...

AS SOME NEWSPAPER!

THAT MAKES YOU A BIG DUMMY, YOU DUMMY!

YEAH, WELL, THAT MEANS THAT, UH... SO ARE YOU!

RIGHT, YOU'RE A TURKEY!

SpongeBob: WHAT'S THAT?

Patrick: IT'S WHAT YOU ARE!

WELL, YOU'RE A BIGGER ONE.

WELL, YOU'RE STILL YELLOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS YELLOW?

WHAT?!

YOU ARE!

WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU CALL ME

BECAUSE I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN ANYWAY!

( chomping loudly )

( door squeaks open )

AW, TARTAR SAUCE!

( slams )

( grunts )

( crash )

( laughing evilly )

( gagging and gulping )

( fork sproinging )

( whistle sliding upward )

( bell rings )

WHOA, SQUIDWARD, YOU'RE CHOKING!

OH... I KNOW WHAT TO DO

BUT I SHOULD WASH MY HANDS FIRST.

OH, WELL.

( inhaling deeply )

( exhaling )

( suckers popping )

( sputtering )

( spits )

I WIN!

WOW! PATRICK!

YOU SAVED ME.

I DID?

YEP.

YOU'RE A REAL LIFESAVER, FRIEND.

FRIEND?

FRIEND!

EE... YEAH, PATRICK

WE'RE FRIENDS.

JUST FRIENDS.

SO, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TONIGHT

BEST FRIEND?

WELL, I WAS GOING TO PRACTICE

MY CLARINET SOLO.

CLARINET?

I LOVE MUSIC!

AW, WHO NEEDS THEM?

THEY'RE NO FUN ANYWAY, RIGHT, GARY?

GARY?

( hollow knocks )

Squidward: SQUIDWARD WILL BE PERFORMING HIS VERSION

OF "SOLITUDE IN 'E' MINOR."

YEAH!

"E" MINOR, ALL RIGHT, YEAH!

( inhaling )

( begins playing )

( snoring )

AW, WHAT AM I WORRIED ABOUT?

I GOT PLENTY OF FRIENDS.

I CAN NAME THREE RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

UH...

THE GANG'S ALL HERE.

OH!

( grunting and grumbling )

( something snaps )

OH, OH, MY BACK!

I THREW OUT MY BACK.

OH, BOY!

NOW'S MY CHANCE.

SPONGEBOB? NO, NO, STAY BACK!

DON'T WORRY, SQUIDWARD, I'M COMING!

NO, NO, NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!

HANG ON, I'LL SAVE YOU!

Squidward: NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!

HOLD ON!

NO! NO! GET AWAY!

( yelling )

( crack )

OW, I'M RUINED!

I... I... I...

I FEEL GREAT.

THANKS, SPONGEBOB.

YOU'RE A REAL FRIEND.

( trancelike ): FRIEND...

NO, NO, NO! I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

DON'T WORRY, SQUIDDY OLD PAL.

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR.

SpongeBob: SO DUMB PATRICK FELL ASLEEP ON YOU, HUH?

SOME FRIEND!

A REAL FRIEND WOULD PERFORM FOR YOU.

YOU PLAY?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'VE BEEN PLAYING BASSINET FOR YEARS.

GIVE ME AN "A," BUDDY.

( plays a note )

* SQUIDWARD IS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD... *

( strings grating raucously )

* SQUIDWARD IS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE SEA. *

( Squidward yells )

( grumbles )

* SQUIDWARD...

* LIKES PATRICK MORE THAN SPONGEBOB. *

* PATRICK IS A DIRTY, STINKY, ROTTEN FRIEND, SQUIDWARD! *

UM, I CAN FIX THIS.

( growling and grumbling )

( shout, thud )

SO, UH, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, SQUIDWARD.

CALL ME.

Squidward: UGH! THAT WAS DISGUSTING!

FEEL LIKE I NEED TO SCRUB MYSELF.

( screaming )

HEY, BUDDY, I WARMED IT UP FOR YOU.

PATRICK, GET OUT!

AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, SQUIDWARD?

( gasps )

OH, HO!

SO THIS IS WHAT I FIND, HUH?!

MY BEST FRIEND AND MY EX-BEST FRIEND

AND RUBBER BATH TOYS!

( both arguing at once )

( yells )

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING TO ME!

( door opens and closes )

SpongeBob and Patrick: SQUIDWARD!

SpongeBob: BUDDY!

Patrick: SQUIDWARD, WHERE ARE YOU?

Squidward: OH, THIS IS NUTS!

I NEED A PLAN TO GET THOSE TWO BACK TOGETHER

AND OUT OF MY HAIR.

( doorbell rings )

( sniffs )

( fondly ): SQUIDWARD!

A DINNER PARTY?

I'D LOVE TO!

( knocking at door )

DID YOU MISS ME?

COME ON IN.

YOU LOOK STUNNING.

I'D MUCH RATHER DINE WITH YOU

THAN THAT LOUSY...

SAY, WHAT GIVES?!

I'M NOT SITTING NEAR THAT MANIAC!

ME, NEITHER!

THIS WAS A SETUP.

I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE MY BEST FRIENDS.

I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND. I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND.

WELL, HOW ABOUT SOME SODA, GUYS?

YES, PLEASE.

THANKS, FRIEND.

HOW ABOUT SOME FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND?

SpongeBob: THANKS...

BEST FRIEND.

( gulping )

CAN I HAVE SOME NOW, BUDDY?

WAIT! I NEED SOME MORE.

I STILL DIDN'T GET ANY.

THERE YOU GO.

MORE, PLEASE.

( gulping )

SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

HEY, SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

HEY, SQUIDWARD!

Squidward: PATRICK, YOUR GLASS IS FULL.

OH, YEAH.

SQUIDWARD! HEY, SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

HEY, SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

HEY, SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD! SQUIDWARD!

SORRY, BOYS, I'M ALL OUT OF POP.

I'M GOING TO GO GET SOME MORE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY HERE AND CHAT?

( whistling casually )

( hiccups )

( belches loudly )

( laughing )

( laughing )

( both laughing uproariously )

( creaking )

( laughter continuing )

( deep groan )

( crash )

I SHOULD JUST WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW.

WHAT A SURPRISE...

I INVITED THEM IN AND I LEFT THEM ALONE.

WELL, SQUIDWARD, WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY?

GUESS WHAT, SQUIDWARD?

ME AND SPONGEBOB ARE FRIENDS AGAIN.

BE FRIENDS SOMEWHERE ELSE.

DON'T YOU WANT US TO HELP CLEAN UP?

NO! OUT!

PSST! I THINK HE'S JEALOUS.

HOW PATHETIC.

( slams )

( pop )

( crash )

( Squidward groans )

OH, MY BACK!

( SpongeBob snoring )

( foghorn blares )

THIS IS IT, GARY.

( meows )

THE BIG BOATING EXAM IS TODAY.

I'VE NEVER FELT SO CAPABLE...!

I'M READY, I'M READY, I'M READY.

SQUIDWARD, SQUIDWARD...

WHAT?

I'M READY, SQUIDWARD.

Squidward: READY TO MOVE?

NO, I'M READY TO PASS MY BOATING TEST.

I'M READY, I'M READY, I'M READY...

I'M READY-EADY-EADY-EADY

EADY-EADY-EADY-EADY, READY.

WELL, PAL, I WON'T BE NEEDING YOU ANYMORE.

I'M READY, I'M READY, I'M READY, OH, YEAH!

I'M READY!

( examinee whooping it up )

YES!

HEY, I JUST GOT MY LICENSE.

HEY, I'M GETTING MINE NEXT.

HEY, I DOUBT IT.

OKAY.

SEE YOU ON THE ROAD.

I'M READY!

HERE I COME, MRS. PUFF.

I'M READY, I'M READY, I'M READY, I'M READY, I'M READY.

( sighs )

I'M NOT READY.

HI, MRS. PUFF.

TODAY IS THE DAY I PASS MY BOATING EXAM.

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, SPONGEBOB.

FIRST WE MUST...

FIRST I MUST PASS THE ORAL EXAM.

I AM CONFIDENT I WILL SUCCESSFULLY SUCCEED.

I KNOW.

OKAY, NUMBER ONE.

WHAT IS THE FRONT OF THE BOAT?

THE BOW.

WHAT IS THE BACK?

STERN.

NUMBER THREE: "RIGHT" IS...

STARBOARD.

PORT, SKIPPER, DECK, CABIN

GALLEY, KEEL, 1924.

YOU'VE PASSED THE ORAL TEST.

WHAT A SURPRISE!

NOW IT'S TIME TO ONCE AGAIN TAKE THE DRIVING PORTION OF THE EXAM.

OKAY, SPONGEBOB.

GET IN THE BOAT.

OH, IN THIS BOAT, RIGHT HERE?

IS IT TIME ALREADY?

GET IN THE BOAT, SPONGEBOB.

OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET ON THE TRACK.

OKAY, SPONGEBOB, WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU DO?

1924?

NO, NO.

FIRST THING IS TO START THE BOAT.

( yelling )

SPONGEBOB!

SPONGEBOB, RELAX.

IT'S ONLY THE BOAT.

THE BOAT?

OKAY, NOW, WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT?

FLOOR IT?

YES-- NO!

NO, DON'T FLOOR IT.

FLOOR IT?

NO, DON'T, DON'T FLOOR IT!

OKAY, FLOOR IT.

NO, NO, NO!

( Mrs. Puff screaming )

( crash )

( inflating )

( crash )

( in deep voice ): OH, SPONGEBOB... WHY?

I DON'T KNOW WHY, GARY.

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M TIRED OF FAILING THAT BOATING TEST.

I'VE ALREADY TAKEN IT 37 TIMES.

( meows )

OKAY, 38.

( meowing )

NO, GARY, I'M NOT WALKING.

Patrick: SpongeBob, this is Star Ranger, over.

WHAT IS IT, PATRICK?

I got a surprise for you.

OH, PATRICK, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

Get out of bed.

OKAY, NOW WHAT, PATRICK?

Go to your closet for a surprise.

OKAY, I'M AT THE CLOSET.

Listen carefully.

What's pink and square at the same time?

I DON'T KNOW, PATRICK.

PATRICK SQUAREPANTS.

PAT, DON'T DO THAT.

I'VE GOT TOO MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

I CAN'T PASS MY BOATING EXAM.

I'VE TAKEN IT 37...

( Gary meows )

38 TIMES.

I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS...

UNTIL I GET BEHIND THE WHEEL.

I JUST NEED SOMETHING

TO HELP ME THINK STRAIGHT.

THINKING STRAIGHT IS WHAT I DO.

YOU DRIVE, AND I'LL DO ALL THE THINKING FOR YOU.

HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THAT?

COME IN, SPONGEBOB.

HELLO.

Hello.

HEY, I CAN HEAR YOU IN MY HEAD.

THIS IS GREAT-- WHILE I'M TAKING THE TEST

YOU CAN GIVE ME ALL THE ANSWERS.

WAIT A MINUTE, PATRICK.

WON'T I LOOK SILLY WITH THIS ANTENNA COMING OUT OF MY HEAD?

Pat to Sponge, Pat to Sponge, testing, testing.

TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING, TESTING

testing, testing!

( yells )

Test, test! Do you read?

SPONGE TO PAT, I READ YOU LOUD AND CLEAR, OVER.

GOT YOUR APPLE READY?

LUCKY UNDERGARMENTS?

Hold on, hold on...

Bingo!

Underwear, apple and me.

You're ready to get that license.

Oh-oh, here comes Mrs. Puff.

Act natural.

( mooing like cow )

No, no... get in the boat.

( siren approaches )

Give her the apple.

HERE YOU GO, MA'AM.

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

( breathes deeply )

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU DO?

I...

Start the boat.

( motor starts )

( yelling )

MRS. PUFF.

MRS. PUFF!

WHOA!

HUH? WHAT?

IT'S OKAY, IT'S ONLY THE BOAT.

THE BOAT!

YOU STARTED THE BOAT?

I... I THINK SO.

OH.

WELL...

WHAT'S THE SECOND THING YOU DO?

1924?

No, no... put it in drive.

PUT IT IN DRIVE?

YES, YES, YES!

PUT IT IN DRIVE!

THEN WHAT?

FLOOR IT?

NO, NO!

Freeze, mister.

BIG TOE.

OH, GRACIOUS.

OH, GRACIOUS!

( laughing nervously )

WE HAVEN'T CRASHED YET.

OKAY, YOU'RE COMING

to your first turn.

OH, NO, THE FIRST TURN.

PLEASE, TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

AT THE FIRST TURN.

Left.

Right!

OH, MY, THIS IS SPLENDID, SPONGEBOB.

YOU'RE DOING FINE.

( no voice )

Mrs. Puff: SPLENDID!

( laughing )

WONDERFUL.

THERE'S THE FINISH LINE.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU'VE SHOWN THE MOST SPECTACULAR IMPROVEMENT

OF ANY STUDENT I'VE EVER SEEN.

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET--

A LITTLE RADIO IN YOUR HEAD?

( laughing )

( laughing )

OH, AND UNDER THAT HAT

IS SOME KIND OF ANTENNA?

( laughing )

( laughing )

AND SOME GUY MILES AWAY FROM HERE

IS GIVING YOU ALL THE ANSWERS.

( laughing )

( laughing uproariously )

OH, YES...

BUT THAT WOULD BE CHEATING.

( Patrick laughs uproariously )

Aha! cheating!

( Patrick laughing loudly )

I'M CHEATING?

MRS. PUFF?

YES, MY STAR PUPIL.

I THINK I'M CHEATING.

WHAT'S THAT, DEAR?

I THINK I AM CHEATING!

YOU... YOU'VE LET GO OF THE WHEEL.

I DO HAVE AN ANTENNA UNDER MY HAT.

THERE IS A GUY GIVING ME ALL THE ANSWERS.

IT'S ALL TRUE.

I'M CHEATING, I'M CHEATING.

I'M CHEATING.

WHAT?

( sobbing mournfully )

I'M SORRY, MRS. PUFF.

I'M SORRY.

THE WHEEL, SPONGEBOB.

THE WHEEL.

SpongeBob: CHEATING!

I'M A CHEATER.

NO, NO, NO!

Mrs. Puff: IT'S ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN CHEAT.

SpongeBob: I'M CHEATING.

Mrs. Puff: THAT WAY, SPONGEBOB.

I'M CHEATING.

Mrs. Puff: CHEAT THAT WAY!

"CHEATER, CHEATER

PUMPKIN EATER."

Mrs. Puff: IT'S OKAY, JUST...

SpongeBob: NO!

THAT WAY! THAT WAY!

CHEAT THAT WAY!

SpongeBob: CHEATER!

( crash )

( inflating )

OH, SPONGEBOB.

WHY?

MRS. PUFF?

I THINK I CHEATED.

Man: MY LEG!

I'M SORRY FOR LETTING YOU DOWN AGAIN, MRS. PUFF.

IT'S OKAY, SPONGEBOB.

YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT.

OKAY, BOYS, TAKE ME AWAY.

( grunts )

DON'T WORRY, MRS. PUFF.

I'LL TRY HARDER NEXT SEMESTER.

( sobbing )

IT'LL BE GREAT!

ONLY NOW I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY BIKE.

( Gary meows )

GARY!

MY BIKE!

YOU'VE FOUND IT.

THIS SPONGE IS STILL MOBILE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO SURPRISE SOMEONE AT THE HOSPITAL.

[Captioning sponsored by THE and NICKELODEON]

[Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]