Original subtitles

MAN ON PA: Attention students. If Mr. Garamond's desk

is returned within 20 minutes, no questions will be asked.

I got an A-plus.

Cool. Do you think I should do purple streaks in my hair?

No, no, you don't understand.

I got an A-plus in economics.

I was within reach of a B-ish. Purple and red?

I didn't even know you could get 105.

I'm more than perfect.

I don't really matter right now, do I?

Oh, Adam! Hey! Hey. Hi.

You're never gonna believe it.

Guess what. I got an A-plus on my econs mid-term.

No way. Yeah.

I shot a moose in the cafeteria.

I'm such a genius.

Oh, and my mentor at the design studio

wants me to help him out on his anti-drug ad.

Me! An actual layout. How cool are we?

I gotta run. I promised him I'd work up a rough design by 5:00.

Okay. Hey, Judith.

Oh, am I here?

Do you have any idea how insanely adorable you guys are?

Mmm. It's noxious. Sorry.

(CHUCKLING) Are you kidding?

Maybe I can borrow him sometime.

You know, when you're not using him.

I'd leave a deposit.

(CHUCKLES) He doesn't even have time for me anymore.

We're like yuppies, but without the money or the kids

or the hypocritical drug position.

I'm going to go hang out by the boys' locker room before gym.

A-plus. Way to go, Joan.

Thanks. You didn't, like, pull any strings for me, did you?

It was all you. Feels good to do a good job, doesn't it?

Yeah. Economics is so complicated,

but I just... I got it, you know?

Adam Smith, very cool dead guy.

He says economies function best when based on self-interest.

Kind of gives you a moral head-butt, huh?

It's easy to establish economic principles on paper.

Are you saying it was easy to write this essay?

"In an economy run by self-interest,

"the invisible hand of social justice will feed and clothe everyone."

Look, she wrote "great" with two exclamation points and a happy face.

What are you going to do with all that knowledge?

The trick is putting it into action.

It's economics. What, do you want me to start my own country?

Start a little closer to home. Maybe make sure

everyone gets a piece of the pie!

Way to make an A a bummer. God!

We set up the church basement, so it looks like a real store,

all the donated clothes hanging up,

except, of course, everything's free.

Charity compromises free market capitalism.

Wealth of Nations, chapters two through four.

How come I'm sensing this is gonna lead back to your A?

Plus.

Well, if the free market works,

how come there are still families living on the street?

And how come the Bakers get to sue us?

Maybe it's in wealthy people's best interest

to clean out their closets.

Oh, my God, of course.

That way they have to buy more things and contribute to the economy,

and people who don't have clothes get a job,

and then they can afford to buy clothes for themselves.

Everybody gets a piece of the pie.

I'm in. I'll help with the drive.

Seriously?

Yes. Mom, it would be pretty silly of me

to have all this knowledge and not use it for the benefit of society.

What?

♪ What if God was one of us?

♪ Just a slob like one of us

♪ Just a stranger on the bus

♪ Trying to make his way home

♪ Just trying to make his way home

♪ Just trying to make his way home

♪ Just trying to make his way home ♪

(LILLY GRUNTING)

Is that a sailor?

Oh. Hot, huh?

He, uh, waves when I flex.

Mom, if a nun can get one...

Ex-nun. Very ex. Sort.

Look, people have been doing body art for 4,000 years.

It's very spiritual.

Oh, like how you're helping.

Thank you very much.

Oh! A belly ring.

Sort.

So, uh, what are you in for?

She just wanted to volunteer.

(LAUGHING) This isn't the community service part of some sentence?

I have skills in economic theory.

I just finished Wealth of Nations.

You know Adam Smith, right? The sixth Beatle?

No. Eighteenth century money stud.

He, like, totally blew away Benjamin Franklin with this...

Okay, okay. That reminds me why I hated school.

Mom, is this all you've got?

It's a small church. We can only do so much.

You know, expansion increases returns.

Why don't I open up a branch at school?

Do you think you'd really have time for that?

Yeah, yeah, I'm-I'm thinking a bin in the hallway,

you know, one in the cafeteria.

Ooh, two by the gym. The cheerleaders never wear anything twice.

I'm gonna go talk to Chadwick.

Sure.

Has she ever been drug tested?

Beth. Hey.

Kevin. Uh, Pete, Kevin Girardi.

We went to high school together.

He writes for the Herald.

My client was nowhere near the scene of the crime.

Knock off a bank?

It's so embarrassing.

Open container violation.

I walked out of a party with a beer.

That's not on the record, is it?

I don't know. It's a pretty splashy headline.

"College student drinks beer."

Yeah, it could be my Pulitzer.

(PAGER BEEPING)

Uh, bail hearing.

So, tonight. 9:00. Yes.

Be there or I'll double my fees.

(LAUGHS)

He does stand-up at the Laugh Riot.

I told him I'd check out his act.

Remember the prom when I made you laugh so hard,

Coke poured out of your nose like you were a soda fountain?

(LAUGHING) Yes. You ruined my dress.

You said no one ever made you laugh like me.

(SIGHS)

I-I'm late for poli-sci,

but it was good to see you again.

Say hi to your folks.

KEVIN: Sure.

Oh, and, uh, watch out for the long arm of the lawyer.

See you later.

Carlisle said you wanted to see me.

Yeah, come on in.

Sorry I was late.

I had a personal thing.

I should have run it by you before...

Relax, Will. That's an order.

I know all about Kevin's lawsuit.

Excuse me?

It's my business to know about my people,

if it could affect job performance.

I, uh, had a meeting with our attorney.

Next time I'll tell you first. I'm sorry.

Hey, that's not what I meant. I...

Look, if there's anything I can do to help...

I can handle it by myself, thanks.

Will, I went through a nasty divorce.

I know how important it is to have support at work.

You still wear your ring.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES) To fend off the guys at the supermarket.

Have you ever been in the frozen food section at night?

They should serve martinis.

Thanks for your concern.

No problem.

You-You know, it's stupid.

We-We could have sued the kid who caused the accident,

protected ourselves from all this.

Self defense.

My wife didn't want to punish him,

thought knowing what he'd done to Kevin was enough.

Well, she sounds like an amazing woman.

She is.

Maybe we could all get together sometime.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Dude, it's like a pet cemetery in here.

Lischak gave me the key.

Science Student of the Year does have its privileges.

This is so the beginning of a Stephen King novel.

(LAUGHS) Where were you last night?

I IMed you, like, a thousand times.

Oh, my mom was in rare form.

Doing her Judy Garland act.

Lots of singing, lots of falling down,

me putting her in the shower.

Where was your dad?

He works late so he doesn't have to deal.

It's their little unspoken bargain.

As long as she's sober at temple, runs her meetings,

and has everybody snowed...

Don't look all simpy. I'm used to it.

Maybe you should talk to somebody.

Why? I'm almost out of there.

It's two more years.

That's-That's 15% of your life so far.

The test is on Thursday. Let's cram.

Dark matter, black holes. Lay it on me.

Their gravity is so strong

that they pull in anything that gets close to them...

You know, you don't have to be embarrassed to talk to me about this.

How's that for gravitational pull?

Can you believe somebody actually bought these pants,

(LAUGHS) like, on purpose?

Soft, the fair Judith.

Halfway through the fourth act, and it's all for you.

Come on. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not impressed.

You have really pretty eyes.

Don't be sincere.

In the words of the immortal bard,

(IMITATING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER) I'll be back.

Wow.

Persistent. I'll give him that.

Mmm-hmm. Like a cold sore.

This isn't bad for day one, huh?

Holy crap. Look at this.

Someone gave away an Italian leather coat.

Feel it. Wow.

Some homeless person's gonna get this?

Man, I know a vintage store

that would pay major dinero for it.

We sell the coat and use the money to buy, like, five more for the homeless.

I'm so going to wind up like a millionaire one day.

(LAUGHING) Good plan.

Ooh!

♪ I've got the brains You've got the looks

♪ Let's make lots of money

♪ You've got the brawn...

You know, Rudi's touchy. So let me do the talking.

Where do you meet these people?

Community service. Driving school. Group.

I lose track.

Judith, dear. How was Camp Bad Girl?

Crazy Camp, this time.

This is Joan. We brought treats.

I trust they're not hot.

That was a fluke, man.

These were her aunt's. She died last week.

I lost an uncle last week.

I'll take good care of you, okay?

Wow.

Your aunt had good taste.

Silk lining.

How's 30 bucks sound?

Thirty bucks? For my aunt's coat?

I have to make a living, too, dear.

(GROANS)

Hundred for everything.

She used to read to me in this coat.

I won't take less than 150.

♪ If you know when to take them, you know

♪ There's a lot of opportunities...

Well, in honor of your aunt's memory.

♪ I've got the brains You've got the looks

♪ Let's make lots of money ♪

This is so out of the textbook.

We bought five coats from the army-navy,

increasing the volume of people who got clothing.

And we wind up with 36 bucks left over.

I'm loving the economy.

(EXCLAIMS) Ow!

I told you not to move.

Oh, my gosh.

I mean, the money's the incentive

that keeps us going, right?

I mean, the people who run big charities get paid.

So, how does it look?

So good.

(JOAN GASPS)

My mom would kill me.

So? Who's helped more homeless people, you or her?

No way.

You deserve this.

♪ Armageddon surfer girl rock all night

I didn't realize it was gonna itch this much.

(EXCLAIMS)

Belly shirts.

Gotta show off the pain.

Let me surprise you.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Ooh.

So you've really become quite an entrepreneur, Joan.

Five coats for one.

That's four more homeless people that will be warm now.

Very impressive.

Yeah, what I did...

It makes me feel powerful.

Hmm.

Money can do that to people.

Oh! These are sweet.

Don't put your fingers on the lenses.

Ninety-five dollars? Who has that kind of money for sunglasses?

To some people, that's not much at all.

More.

You want me to do more, right?

If there's no growth, then the economy goes into decline.

Decline means more cold people.

I'm so all over this.

Hey, what's your mark-up on these puppies anyway?

♪ Won't you rock with me

♪ Won't you rock with me tonight ♪

(ALL LAUGHING)

PETE: So I finally learn after all these years

that a good lawyer knows the law,

but a great lawyer knows the judge.

How about last night, huh?

It was so cold last night,

I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Kevin? What are you doing here?

I was voted class clown.

I gotta keep my chops up for the reunion.

(SIGHING)

...Or proven broke.

This isn't funny.

The audience likes it.

Thank you, guys. You've been great.

I will be sending you a bill.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Are you jealous or something?

Because we haven't gone out in, like, two years.

And you dumped me, remember?

I know.

You wanna get some coffee?

Or dinner?

Or an apology?

Um, I'm kind of busy at the moment.

So this is a date.

So, did I totally suck or what?

No, man. You were hilarious.

Thanks. Kevin, right? From, uh...

From the Herald.

Relax. I'm not writing a review.

I'm just checking out the competition.

You're a stand-up, too?

Well, I'm more of a sit-down.

Well, uh, we were just gonna grab something to eat.

Why don't you join us? We could compare notes.

Uh, no thanks.

Just have fun.

Okay.

I felt like seeing my wife.

That's not a crime. I know these things.

Hmm. Last time you brought me lunch at work,

I spent a month packing dishes.

We're not moving, I promise.

Then what?

You're going to be working vice,

and you're afraid you might meet someone?

I want us to counter-sue the Bakers.

And you thought an egg salad sandwich would change my mind?

Look, Helen,

I know you're a better person than me.

And I know you have all this faith in the goodness of people,

but do you really think the Bakers

are suddenly going to realize how selfish they are?

Or the judge is going to see the light and throw the case out...

Hey, don't patronize me,

and don't use my faith to treat me like an idiot.

You think I don't know how greedy these people are?

We're gonna have to dig into the kids' college money.

We may have to put the house on the market.

I just hoped we wouldn't have to become like them.

Jane.

Hey! I called you at your studio, like, six times,

but the voice mail kept picking up.

Oh, I called you back,

but your mom said you were sorting donations.

Are we ever gonna get to see each other?

Now works for me. You wanna go roll around in the clothes?

Oh, no. Michael needs this layout, like, an hour ago.

So I gotta go to the computer lab

and use the graphics program.

Will you keep me company?

Sure. Oh!

Wait. I can't.

Chadwick wants everything sorted and out of here,

or he's gonna call the whole thing off.

All right. As soon as I finish this project.

Okay. And-And the clothing drive won't last forever.

Call me tonight? Okay. Okay.

How did he like the belly ring?

Oh! I forgot to show him.

He's actually running off

to spend, like, forever in the computer lab.

You two are gonna have to make an appointment to see each other.

That's what my parents do. 11:00 to 11:04.

Conversation and sex. Ha!

What if Adam had Freidman's laptop?

$425? Forget it.

I already found a Bowie t-shirt from his first tour in here.

You know what Rudi would pay for that?

And we have lots of other bags.

All we have to do is...

Uh, what is it? Um...

Expand and conquer.

Of course. Move beyond the school.

Put bins in a few stores... The bookstore.

Half the money buys more clothes for the homeless,

and then they get the clothes that we don't sell.

And we keep half the profits.

For Adam's laptop. Then he can work wherever he wants.

Get some free time with his honey.

Plus increase his productivity

and make him even more valuable to his boss.

Everybody wins.

(GASPS) Hey.

Did you see those Guess sunglasses the other day?

No sucky-face yet, bone rack.

We have a Physics midterm in two days,

and I know less about Planck's constant than that lobster...

Or is that two frogs?

That's not why I'm here.

Alateen?

You blabbed about me to a roomful of freaks?

I picked it up at the public library, and they're not freaks.

They're kids like us.

Dude, have you been inhaling the formaldehyde?

There's no way I'm doing this.

Go to one meeting.

I've been through it all, Girardi.

There is nothing new they can tell me.

You've been through it by yourself.

It doesn't have to be that way anymore.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

We're thinking of counter-suing Andy's family.

Good.

Does the color make me look like a corpse?

Maybe this isn't the best place to talk.

Retail therapy, Helen. Don't underestimate it.

So you don't think counter-suing seems sort of...

Human?

I'm just so angry all the time,

every second, every minute.

I don't want to be this person.

Aren't we supposed to try to be as good as we possibly can?

Oh, you wanna be a saint.

You are so hard to talk to.

Hey!

Don't take your anger out on me

just 'cause I have a delightful personality.

Well, I don't want to be a saint.

But you're thinking about letting these people

take your house and toss your family into the street,

so that God can pat you on the head

and tell you how selfless you are.

Look, I know that God says that the poor will always be among us,

but I don't think he would want us

to get poor by being stupid.

You know, I was gonna try and get you to stop smoking, but now I don't really care.

Well, too bad you're not human

'cause you would look great in this.

Oh, that is beautiful.

(CHUCKLING)

A steal at 150, dear.

A hundred and fifty? What are you smoking?

It's Italian leather.

Its okay, Lilly. I didn't really need it.

No. If there's anyone who needs fine, Italian craftsmanship,

it's you.

If you, uh, let me borrow it sometime.

I'll give you $90 for it. Take it or leave it.

$120.

You know, I'm already being ripped off

by somebody who paralyzed my son,

so I don't need anybody else trying to make a buck off me

because he thinks I might be vulnerable.

Fine, fine. Ninety.

Saint Helen, the bitchy.

Hmm.

I use the non-handicapped toilet,

but then I feel guilty.

It's really not so bad being in my position.

Nobody every yells, "Down in front!"

And, uh, I don't want you to think that my equipment is all broken down there.

The chair reclines...

(JOAN GIGGLING)

What are you doing?

What? Nothing. Why are you here?

I have to ask you a question.

You were laughing.

Yeah. That's because you're sick.

Do you think it would be nuts of me

to try open mike night at the Laugh Riot?

I had a question, remember?

Then we'll get to Schecky Girardi.

Fine.

So, um...

If a girl did something really crazy cool for you,

you know, like bought you something totally expensive,

something that you really needed,

would you freak?

Is that what I think it is?

(GROANS)

No.

Yes. It...

If you promise not to tell.

You did that for Adam?

No!

(LAUGHS)

Well, maybe.

Is that what he, uh, needed?

Could we please just focus?

Sure.

What happens if I pull on it?

Oh, Kevin, forget it!

No! Okay! I would say no gift.

If he really needs it,

it'd take away his manhood,

and it'll shrivel up.

What will?

Oh, God.

Not his fault.

It's what happens when girls do stuff for us

we're supposed to be able to do for ourselves.

That's too pathetic to be true.

Family vacations, how many times did Mom drive?

But this is gonna change Adam's life.

And mine.

All right, then do it.

But make him feel like you didn't really do anything.

So, lie?

It's that or, uh...

(SIGHING) Okay, I got it!

I don't need the visual.

Hey, what about the Laugh Riot?

I will be there.

Just don't shrivel up if you don't get all your laughs.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Freidman, I have $250 cash!

The software alone is worth that.

Strain not thy lithesome frame, fair Ophelia.

Hey! Stay, Droopio.

Find any more treasure?

Just ratty sweaters and some tighty-whities.

Who donates old underpants?

Look, I don't have enough cash.

He's gonna put that thing on eBay in like an hour.

Chill. He'll cough it up for me.

Judith, it's Freidman.

He's the Ebola virus in tube socks.

JUDITH: So? You get to spend more time with Adam,

I get to knock the rust off my flirtation skills.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Listen, Shakespeare,

you want to make Judith happy, don't you?

Couldn't you cut Jo-Jo here a break on that computer of yours?

But sh-sh-she doesn't...

Uh, she doesn't...

My, you're...

You have such a big laptop.

Oh, I...

Oh, I-I-I...

If you deny Jo-Jo, you deny me.

No.

I... No.

I...

Girl's still got it.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

WILL: Yes!

Well, somebody's in a good mood.

Setting a bad example? Sorry.

No, no, no. Hey, I was just starting to think

that you didn't even know how to smile.

I, uh...

I convinced Helen we have to counter-sue.

I probably shouldn't celebrate,

but after rolling over for so long...

No explanation necessary.

Listen, if you need any help, I...

Thanks. I think we're in good shape now.

All right.

Well, I'm just putting it out there because

I have a friend in Chicago who found out some things.

Things?

Andy's father, Tim Baker, owned a small company.

Baker and Burke. They make shipping containers.

Yeah. Well, it's just Burke now.

I talked to somebody at the Illinois State Securities Department.

About this?

Well, he's an old friend. We were just catching up, you know,

and I mentioned Baker's name.

I really don't even remember how it came up.

Anyway, it seems that there were some tax questions

surrounding this company when it went public,

and you can see that back here on these sheets that I got from the SEC.

You have a lot of friends.

They suspect that Baker cooked the books

trying to avoid taxes,

and his partner threatened to report him.

Why else would a man walk away from a business after 20 years?

And I'll bet he might walk again if you knew you had this.

So, all of this just came up in a conversation with old buddies.

Hey, I'm a cop.

How many times do you get the chance

to squash the bad guy before he hurts some good people?

Next time, you should talk to me first.

Yeah.

But you would have just said no.

Surprise!

Jane.

Well, what is this?

It's a reward.

Mmm. (KISSES)

For being the best boyfriend on the planet.

It's a loan! It's not a gift.

I talked my parents into getting it for me.

I-I thought you hated computers.

Well, um, I finally decided

to join the rest of the world.

And you can borrow it,

which means you can work wherever you want,

like in places where I am.

Well, are you sure you're not gonna need it?

Not as much as you.

It'll help you be more productive,

which means the ad campaign will be better,

which means more kids will stay away from drugs,

which means they'll be better citizens

and contribute more to society.

Yeah, I just wanted to not get fired.

And you won't get fired.

Jane, this is amazing.

Thank you.

Hey, I have to bring some clothes over to St. Agnes.

You want a ride?

Your coat, where'd... Where'd you get it?

Vintage store with Lilly.

Hey, I haven't had a new coat for three years,

and it's second-hand.

You have to return it.

It's way too Freaky Friday.

I think it rocks, Mrs. G.

(GRUNTS)

(WHISPERS) Not helping.

Thank you, Adam.

Sure. And the computer is way cool, too.

The computer?

Uh, just keep the stupid coat.

Let's go.

Hey, Lilly.

Hey.

Wow.

You're amazing, kid.

How are you at changing water into wine?

Somebody get pierced?

Shh!

How did you know?

I can't get through a metal detector

without the SWAT team surrounding me.

You been using alcohol?

Yes, but it won't heal. It's oozing and gooey.

Yeah, been there. It's the price of freakdom.

I love your coat.

Thank you.

It's, uh, very unusual.

I bought one just like that

for my wife on a trip to Milan.

She passed away last month.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hmm.

Our daughter donated it at school.

It's for the homeless.

You can't cherry pick donations.

Are you accusing me of stealing?

Uh, Mom, we... We should probably go.

I-I have to study, so...

Her name's Ellen Sanders.

Her initials are written on the label.

She bought it at a vintage store.

Its okay, Lilly,

I didn't take your coat.

I am so sorry.

I don't know how this happened.

(SCOFFING)

Yeah.

(SIGHING)

♪ Get rolled on... ♪

We need my aunt's clothes back! It's an emergency.

I thought she died.

Well, yeah, but her uncle is really mad.

Okay.

Just give me 500.

But you only gave us, like, 400.

It's called capitalism, dears.

I'm entitled to something for my trouble.

We were helping the homeless.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice... Oh, no, not her.

Where did you get this?

Why did I take my eye mask off today?

Where did you get this coat?

It belonged to her late aunt.

Oh, God.

Mom, it's not how it looks, okay?

Yes, we sold the stuff.

But we sunk all the money back into buying clothes for the homeless.

Yeah, we bought like five times as much clothes as we ever could've gotten.

And you didn't keep anything for yourselves?

Well, not much, anyway.

What did you take?

Nothing!

Almost nothing.

I mean, we were supposed to take something

for incentive, you know, like Adam Smith said.

Oh, shut the hell up about Adam Smith!

I really wouldn't cross her.

Where's the money?

Well, it's... It's sort of gone.

Sort of?

We got belly rings.

What?

And we got a laptop for Adam. Rove.

We got a really good deal on it.

Mom, I swear, we-we didn't hurt anybody.

People have stopped donating clothes.

They trusted us!

That man gave us his dead wife's coat

for the homeless, not for you!

And not for belly rings!

(SIGHING)

It's always worst when his VA check comes.

He drinks the whole thing first day.

And calls me from lock-up.

But I wouldn't go get him last time.

I wouldn't do it.

(WHISPERING) This is just too weird, Girardi.

MAN: Anybody else?

Hi, my name is Grace.

ALL: Hi, Grace.

Uh...

Nothing leaves this room, right?

Because I will hunt you people down.

Uh...

My mother is an alcoholic.

And this is

my boyfriend.

Luke.

ALL: Hi, Luke.

Hey.

Hey.

I, uh, just started on my layout.

You should check out this funky font. It's called Buddha Bold.

I have to take the computer back.

Sure. I'll just... I'll just work on my stuff later.

Actually, there's not really gonna be any later.

Jane, what's going on?

I am so sorry, Adam.

Your stomach, it's leaking.

Oh, yeah.

I got my belly pierced, only it's infected,

and if I take the bandage off,

then my belly button will come out with it.

Are you okay?

No.

No. I hate, hate economics.

I...

My parents didn't buy the computer, I did,

with stuff I took from the clothing drive.

Okay, well, stole.

I thought I was doing good, but I got all caught up.

And then it was like this interstate crime spree except...

Well, I stayed here.

You stole from the homeless?

Yes. I am a horrible human being.

Yeah.

Well, you weren't supposed to say that.

Jane, you-you stole from the homeless.

Okay! I think we've established that.

(SIGHS)

I don't know how things got so nuts.

You know, I was...

I wanted to help you.

You have school and you go to work

and you have to take care of your dad

and we miss each other.

Jane...

Jane, look.

Just don't say anything perfect, okay?

I can't take it right now.

We already have so much.

I mean, sometimes more than we need.

(SIGHING)

Just don't.

Don't.

(SIGHING)

How did we go from counter-suit to blackmail?

It's not blackmail.

You said that we could get represented on a contingency basis,

not have to lay out any money.

Sure, but if the jury decides against us,

we'd have to pay their legal fees, too.

This is our safest option.

Since when is going nuclear safe?

They'd do it to us.

Oh, so you want us to go from being them

to making them look virtuous?

This isn't like you, Will.

How did you even get this information?

Now it's wrong to try and protect my family?

Dad, Mom's right.

If the Bakers are our moral compass, we're pretty lost.

Counter-suing, that's enough.

I gave the computer to the church

along with all the money I had,

but I still feel like the bottom of a bird cage.

Your mom freaks me out.

She didn't call my parents.

That's because she knows guilt

is a much more effective weapon.

Man, if my parents found out,

they'd make it all about them,

drag us back into family therapy.

A cigar is never a cigar in my family.

Sorry. This was all my fault.

Yeah, like I go out of my way to avoid trouble.

What were we thinking?

That looks nasty.

It's gonna scar.

Tell me about it.

♪ There was nothing I could do ♪

I, uh... I almost had a psychic ,

but she left me before we met.

(LUKE LAUGHS)

COMIC: Um...

(LUKE LAUGHING)

All of those who believe in psyc,

raise my hand.

MAN 1: Pretty lame, pal.

MAN 2: Get off the stage!

MAN 3: You're gonna have to run back to comedy school!

COMIC: Uh, well, I, uh,

I see a shotgun pointed at me,

must mean it's my time to go.

Thank... Well, just you, actuall.

ANNOUNCER: All right then. We'lk .

(EXCLAIMS)

I don't know, Kev.

I don't want people laughing at you.

Well, that's kind of the whole point, Dad.

You've always thought that he was funny.

Yeah, but this is different.

I don't know why he has to do it here.

Oh...

Oh, pretty clear now, isn't it, Dad?

HELEN: Beth. So, big night, huh?

Hey. Yeah, can't wait.

Joan, why don't you go get us some refills?

Because I screw up, now I have to be your slave?

Yeah, it's one of the joys of motherhood.

BARMAN: Here you go. Tough crowd, huh?

Hi, uh, three Cokes, a Diet Coke, and a Sprite, please.

Sure.

It's a comedy club.

Shouldn't you be smiling, Joan?

Yeah, my life is a Will Ferrell movie.

Well, it's always darkest before the dawn.

And if you're planning to steal your neighbor's newspaper,

that's the time to do it.

(SIGHING)

Finally. Something you're not good at.

Hey, your brother liked me.

I was using what I learned.

Isn't that what you wanted me to do?

Here.

What does this say?

In you we trust.

You stopped trusting.

You wanted more and more...

So money is the root of all evil.

Actually, the real quote is,

"Love of money is the root of all evil."

Why don't you just make everybody rich?

How you see the world,

how you deal with it,

that determines your real wealth.

(SIGHING)

ANNOUNCER: He calls himself "The Last Comic Sitting."

Let's give a big Laugh Riot welcome to Kevin Girardi.

Enjoy.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

KEVIN: Thank you.

Um, a lot of new comics worry that their routine is gonna be a car wreck,

but, uh, I already got that out of the way,

so you can all relax.

See, um, my best friend drove me into a tree,

and now he's suing me for a million dollars

because...

He's depressed.

I do really feel bad for him, but it also is kind of like

the United States suing Hiroshima.

Like, "Hey.

"You ruined our bomb!

"That was our favorite bomb!"

But, um, even if he does win,

I got the last laugh.

I still have six of his CDs

and I am not giving them back.

All right!

I don't understand that, though.

What about money makes people so crazy?

I mean, how much do we really need?

I make plenty because I rent out my handicapped plates.

One guy was such a moron,

he, uh, he got out of the car

with a white cane.

I also make a lot of money outside the Starbucks.

I'll just be sitting outside.

You will be surprised how many people throw their change into my latte.

It's awesome.

And I save a bundle on shoes.

I mean, one pair is gonna last m.

See, there are a lot of benefits

to having no feeling below the waist.

The party games for one.

There's "Let's freeze Kevin's le"

Then there's, uh, let's see, "Pi"