Original subtitles

gorgeous Georgians

Dingy castles, daring knights

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Punishment from ancient times

Cavemen Savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and measly Middle Ages

Horrible Histories presents...

Is the coast clear? Take that!

SPLASH

Oh, that looked nasty.

My brothers and sisters and I are in the middle of an epic battle.

One of our classic ratty pillow fights.

Ah! Incoming!

Ah!

It all started when my sisters invaded my brother's bedroom.

That's how real wars sometimes start, too.

One nation invades another country and tries to take it over.

Of course, some of history's invasions went better than others.

Charge!

That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English?

I think we made them mad.

Try and invade us, will you, Spain?

Well, now it's payback time.

Sir Francis Drake. Your Maj?

Unleash the English armada.

You had me at, "Unleash the E."

The English armada, led by Francis Drake aboard his ship, Revenge.

180 ships, tens of thousands of soldiers.

We shall destroy the Spanish fleet!

Attack!

Wait!

Instead of their fleet of ships,

let's attack the Spanish city of Coruna.

I wonder if they've conquered Spain yet.

Hmm.

OK, might take a bit longer than I thought.

Longer? The winds are blowing in the wrong direction.

The men are dying of starvation and sickness.

What are you complaining about? We've still got 5,000 men.

Yes, but we started out with tens of thousands of men.

It's not ideal.

You know the English Armada we sent against the Spanish

because of the Spanish Armada they sent against us?

Well, I think they may be planning revenge.

No! Yes! Another Spanish armada.

I'm beginning to think armadas might be overrated.

Yeah.

Me and my brothers are losing the battle,

so we've turned our bedrooms into a fort.

We built barriers at every entrance so our sisters can't attack us.

We are totally safe.

CHEERING Battles are hard.

And it's not just the landscapes that are a problem...

Keep it down, you lot. Sorry, Mum!

..sometimes the people are the problem.

William the Conqueror found that out.

After he killed King Harold at the Battle of Hastings,

he came up against a particularly tricky opponent -

Harold's mum.

Oof!

Hello. I am King William of England.

I know you're in there.

We're not scared of you, William.

Guys, seriously, I am not OK about this rebellion.

I just conquered you.

I'm so peeved, I literally just poked this guy's eyes out.

There was a whole battle near Hastings, remember?

My rival, King Harold,

and all his brothers were killed or captured.

I mean, there's literally no-one else

from the royal family left to lead you.

Move it, sunshine.

Cooee!

Oh, for crying out loud. Look who it is.

Yeah, I would if you hadn't poked my eyes out.

Oh, sorry, yeah. It's the old King Harold's mum, Gytha. Oh.

Yeah.

You forgot about Mummy, didn't you?

Look, it would be better for everybody

if we ended all this rivalry and you just surrendered.

So, what do you say?

Why's it all gone quiet? Hang on. Something's happening.

Oh... I think he's getting his bum out.

Fire! But why?

HE FARTS Oh!

Don't worry about it, Your Majesty.

Everyone does it when they get nervous.

That wasn't me. It was them. Oh, sure it was.

That's our answer!

The sound of a mother's rage...

HE FARTS

..and by the smell of it, cabbage.

HE FARTS Oh, God. That is strong.

HE FARTS

Maybe you should go and change your chainmail.

It wasn't me. Do you want me to poke something else out?

Yeah, could you start with my nose?

Hit them again.

HE FARTS

I know you have them surrounded, but maybe it's time we retreated.

Yeah. It stinks.

That's right.

Fear our power.

HE FARTS

And smell it, too.

HE FARTS

I could smell that one from France. We'll be back.

Right, that's enough.

HE FARTS

Oh...

It's been 90 years since Caesar failed to conquer Britain.

Rome has a new emperor, determined to finish the job.

It's going to take one tough toga-wearer to risk everything

in this hellhole.

I'm Emperor Claudius, and this is...

You're on an island filled with bloodthirsty warriors and druids.

Staying alive through the night is going to be a challenge.

You're going to need protection, and you're going to need it fast.

Look around you. What do you see?

Nothing but trees and dirt.

But trees and dirt, with training and basic tools,

can become a fortress. Ouch!

And a fortress can keep you alive

when everybody around you wants you dead.

But what I like to do is -

stay 900 miles away in Rome

and let my general, Paulinus, and the army, do the hard work.

When you're faced with death,

being somewhere completely different

is a very effective way of staying alive.

You've finally arrived in Great Britain

because the war has already been won.

But now you have to win the peace.

And these locals will rebel at the drop of a helmet. Ouch!

You need to be prepared,

and that means using what's around you.

Look around you. What do you see?

A stone can be used as a missile. Ah!

CAT SCREECHES

And wood is good for keeping the fire going at night.

Staying well lit and armed is vitally important

in a hostile situation.

But what I like to do is bring an elephant.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

It's unlikely the locals will have seen an elephant.

"What's that?" They'll say.

And I'll say, "That's an elephant!"

And they'll say, "Cool, I've never seen one of those.

"Let's not rebel."

Probably. Who cares? I've got an elephant.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

I love it when they do that.

X-treme elephant!

Step three, conquer more of the island so you're safer from attack.

You've secured the south-east, but it's going to take years

to spread your rule across this new and dangerous island.

You've got decades of hard work and danger ahead of you.

But what I like to do is...

..go home after 16 days, let the army do the rest.

Going home to Rome seriously reduces your chances of being killed abroad.

And that's...

Let's bounce.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

I forgot my elephant!

Now, gentleman, in precisely one minute's time,

we're going to march..

STOMACH RUMBLES as British soldiers,

fighting for the East India Company, into battle at Seringapatam.

How do you like that? Any chance we could do it tomorrow, Colonel?

HE FARTS No, we cannot do it tomorrow.

We're doing it today.

Can we have this conversation in the shade, sir?

I think my hat has cooked my head.

No, we cannot talk in the shade. STOMACH GRUMBLES

A British soldier stands where he must.

Be that under fire, in the ice, or in the sun.

Is that understood?

They must be very strong.

I think their leader just killed a man with his finger.

Why are the British wearing such ridiculously hot and thick uniforms?

If you're going to march into someone else's country,

killing anyone who resists,

the least you could do is dress appropriately.

We're struggling with the sun, sir. We all are. We're not used to it -

or the fevers, or the water, or the food.

HE FARTS Oh...

Sorry. I've got dysentery, sir.

HE FARTS Hey! Oh-oh!

That was a close one.

I don't care if it's a bit hot.

I don't care if you've got a runny bottom.

HE FARTS

I don't care if anyone's got a little bit of fever.

Lemons, badgers, soup fairies!

"That's just fever." He's seeing things!

HE FARTS Ha! Ho! Ha! Ho! Wow!

I promise I'm trying to keep them in.

FARTING Can you hear gunfire?

I think some of them soldiers are dropping bottom bombs.

They can't handle food with flavour. It goes straight through them.

It is a mystery why they keep stealing food from us.

FARTING When they finally leave,

it is going to take an age to clean up after them.

And to rebuild all the cities they burned.

FARTING You lot are a disgrace.

Now, you need to be ready to march... March!?

I am standing dead still and clenching my bum.

If I march, it's going to be carnage.

HE FARTS

Well, perhaps you'd like to be excused from battle today.

HE FARTS Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You shower of toilets!

HE FARTS

The British Empire covers one sixth of the world's land.

The British soldiers are feared around the globe.

Do you really think a bit of heat, gut churning, is going to stop us?

HE FARTS

Oh...

That might slow us down, actually.

HE FARTS

Going to need a new uniform.

I just can't believe we're losing this war to these guys.

They'll go eventually. FARTING

They'll have to - they'll run out of underwear.

We all know the first rule of pillow fights - pillows only.

But if we're going to defeat my sisters,

I'm going to have to get a bit more creative.

So I've emptied the feathers out of this one

and put my mate Freddy the frog inside.

Matilda's scared of frogs!

Yeah.

CROAKING

Unfortunately, Freddy's scared of Matilda, too.

Come on, she's not that scary,

I guess new weapons for battle are bound to have teething problems.

Just ask this lot.

Sire. Hmm.

I think you'll be impressed.

I've invented a new weapon that will revolutionise hunting.

Ooh, exciting.

I started with a small sharpened piece of bone. But that is tiny.

You will never catch a lion with this. Look.

Did that hurt? Uh, well, a little bit.

No, it didn't. OK, but I hadn't finished.

You see, next, I glued it to the end of a piece of wood.

Ah, you're wasting your time.

Look, this is the smallest spear I've ever seen.

You'll never catch a vicious beast with this child's toy.

Look.

Did that hurt? It hurt quite a lot, actually. No again.

What if I said I could hurl this tiny spear

a vast distance and hit a target using this?

Interesting.

Let me have a go.

Ah, useless. This will never catch a leopard.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Watch me, sire.

Ooh! Impressive.

So I hold it like this.

Right.

Ouch! Sire!

I would have hit that target if you didn't get in the way.

Let me have another go.

I think I'll stand over here.

OK. This is the one.

Fire.

Oh!

HE SHOUTS

It's broken. Ah!

Try again but round the other way.

The other way. Yes. Oh...

Run away, run away.

This way, all right.

HE SCREAMS

Where is it?

It's here. I mean the bow round the other way. Yes.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm getting out of here!

Ah!

Look, it's bound to take a bit of getting used to.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang of this now.

Please, please, please, please.

You did it!

Amazing. You have invented a tool that can fire small spears.

I call it a bow and arrow.

The bow and arrow.

Actually, the other way, but it doesn't matter.

HE GROANS

with a bucket so that you can

with a cape to hide your face

I will charge depending if you did a two or one

STOMACH GRUMBLES Nein, nein, nein!

Oh! Greetings, friend.

Who are you, and what are you doing on my U-boat?

I am Loo Man, the living lavatory.

And you look like a man

who needs the little U-boat's captain's room.

Yes, I do.

Well, then, I would like to apply for the jobbies.

We have a toilet.

I'm meeting the engineer there now.

Engineer? Yeah. Flushing the boat's toilet is very complex

and only a specially trained person can do it.

I'm intrigued.

It is ready for you, captain.

Oh! Thank goodness.

HIS STOMACH GRUMBLES

Torpedoes away!

HE FARTS

Oh, there we go. Oh!

Tell me, mein freund,

do you call them the captain's logs?

Oh, this is the best.

Sorry, Loo Man. A pleasure to meet a fellow poo-fessional.

CAPTAIN GROANS

Feel better? Oh, yes. Thank you.

Uh, I'd give it funf, if I were you.

Yes, captain. You may flush when ready, engineer.

Aye, aye, captain.

Right, right. Hello.

Goodness, yeah, my set-up's a lot simpler than yours,

if you want me to take you through it.

Nein, danke. Please do not disturb me.

I must turn these levers and valves in exactly the right order.

Otherwise, the sea water will flood into the vessel.

OK, yeah, of course.

Um, out of interest,

how many buckets' worth of bum bratwurst does this baby store?

Well, actually, the sub does not store its poo.

Instead, we fire turd-pedoes into the ocean with compressed air.

MIMICS EXPLOSION Love it.

ALARM BLARES

Oh, no! What's happened? Has he done a floater?

Oh, no! I've inputted the wrong sequence.

The toilet is filling up with sea water and the captain's logs!

Oh, you do call them the captain's logs, then?

Captain, the toilet switch has leaked into the ship's batteries

and the sub is filling with poisonous gas.

We must surface and abandon ship.

Oh, dear. Abandon ship!

Code Brown! Abandon ship. Abandon ship!

BOOM!

Should have used the bucket.

Well, Dr Skinner, we're hoping you've come up with something

that will help us to defeat the Nazis.

Gentlemen, I believe I have.

A massive advance in missile accuracy -

piloted missiles.

Piloted? And who would be stupid enough to pilot a missile

that was going to explode?

BIRD COOS

Gentlemen, meet your new pilot.

PIGEON COOS

You want a pigeon to fly the bomb?

Of course not.

I want three pigeons to fly the bomb.

Gentlemen, each pigeon harnessed inside the missile

has been trained to peck at the target when they see it.

This pecking transmits a signal via the bird's beak,

which controls the bomb's tail fins and directs it towards the target.

"Oh, nein! You've destroyed my Nazi battleship.

"Who'd have suspected a pigeon?

"Oh, somebody give Skinner a promotion."

Are we being pranked?

Do you want us to entrust the war to birds?

These are no ordinary birds, sir.

My pigeons are graduates of the Skinner School of Aviation.

You created a flying school for pigeons?

Well, they're not going to train themselves, are they?

Who is this guy?

Let me show you something.

GUNSHOTS

Whoa! What are you doing?

A demonstration, sir. Each pigeon has been trained

to ignore the distractions of war.

Ah! My eyes! My eyes!

See? It didn't even flinch.

Thank you, Dr Skinner. We have heard enough.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's a terrible idea.

I'm sure implementing your pigeon plan

would have been a real COO... COOING

..and I don't want you to get in a flap,

but it's time for you and your pigeons to take off.

Hey, where'd that pigeon go?

PIGEON FARTS

I told you they were trained to hit enemy targets.

Oh, being in a battle is exhausting.

Thankfully, Mummus has brought me a cheese sandwich to keep me going.

But I think she might be supplying the enemy, too.

Girls, sandwiches are ready.

Pick a side, Mummus!

I shouldn't be surprised, though. Mums have been helping

their children in battle throughout history.

Although, I'm glad my mum isn't a Spartan one.

Spartan soldiers are some of the toughest in the world.

The only thing tougher than them...

Come on, you maggots!

..are their mums.

Get up. Sit up.

This is...

Come on.

Tell me something, do you want to be in the Spartan army?

Yes, Mummy. Yes, Mummy. What did you say?

Yes, Mummy! Drop down and give me 300.

HE WHIMPERS

They're good boys, but they need to grow a spine.

I mean, they're Spartans.

They need to learn to be as tough as their mothers.

And believe me,

we need to be tough to raise sons as tough as Spartans.

Can I get up now? Did I say you could speak?

Sorry, Mummy.

I'm meant to send you pathetic babies out to fight for us.

Do you want to go to battle,

or will you come running home to your mummy?

No, Mummy. No, Mummy!

A coward!

I should have left you outside on the hill like your other brother.

What other brother?

Exactly.

What Mummy wants, Mummy gets...

..or you die.

Attention!

Let me look at you.

Oh, you don't want us to get naked again, do you?

That is the best way to assess your physical fitness.

But no, not this time.

Oh, that's a shame.

I've been working on my abs.

Ouch... That really hurt.

Shields!

These are your shields.

You carry them into battle.

You return with them or on them.

Oh, like a sledge?

No, like a stretcher.

Dead, dummy.

Shame about the sledge.

That sounded fun.

SHE YELLS

Oh! I wee-ed. I wee-ed, I'm sorry, Mummy.

Nope, can't do this.

You are a disgrace!

The three gruelling weeks are over,

and this is the end...

..of the beginning of their training... Eh?

..which will last for many years to come.

I want my mummy!

Archidamus! I know, "Drop and give me 300."

One, two, two and a half.

Oh, it hurts, Mummy! I'm not even counting that one.

Dearest Edward, Mummy here!

I do hope this letter finds you well,

despite this silly civil war.

GUNSHOT

Not much to report from here at home,

apart from missing you and Daddy, of course.

I do feel so safe with our own soldiers here to protect us.

Lady Harley! Siege! Siege! We're under attack!

To your positions, men. We will not let our home fall.

Defend her at all costs.

I do hope you are looking after Daddy.

I'm so proud of you both

for defending our Puritan values against the royalist scum,

as some mean people like to call them.

BELLS RING

The bells, the bells! They're taking our bells!

Not on my watch. Hit them with everything we've got.

Oh! I've been hit. Ooh, cake.

I was going to send you a cake

to make you think of home, but... GLASS SHATTERS

Eat musket balls, losers!

Argh! I preferred the cake.

I seem to have run out of cake.

Love and snuggles, Mummy.

GUNSHOTS

We did it! We did it! They're retreating.

Who's the mummy?

It's me. It's me!

Right, be a love and sneak this past the enemy, would you?

Move, move, move!

I don't know how long we can keep this battle going.

I'm exhausted.

Also, we're running out of pillows.

We've only got three left.

Ah!

We've only got two left.

Luckily, people in history have had all sorts of inventive ways

to stop war and find peace.

And one of the more surprising ways is marriage.

SPLASH

That one was my favourite!

They say there is a wafer-thin line between love and hate.

So is it any wonder that when two warring rivals

look for peace, it is l'amour that shows the way?

Pharaoh Ramesses II is looking for love...

..or an end to war.

One of the two.

I hope I like her.

I hope my wives like her as well.

Do people normally bring their wives on dates?

Serious question.

You don't mind, do you?

Yeah, she don't mind. OK!

His date is the eldest daughter of the King of the Hittites.

You must be Ramesses II. My name is...

I don't care what your name is.

I'm going to call you Maathorneferure.

It means, "She who beholds the falcon

"that is the visible splendour of Ra."

Yeah, rah.

I'm wicked with names, innit?

Is he allowed to do that? I mean, I know he's a pharaoh

and I've heard he can do whatever he likes,

but is he literally allowed to change my name?

Things are off to a bad start

because while Ramesses is pharaoh of the Upper Nile,

he's on this occasion also king of the utter vile.

You need some oil, babes? No, thanks, babe.

Apologies, my bad.

You NEED some oil, babes.

Hold on! No! Stop! What are you doing?

The oil was there to banish the nether world

and keep you safe from evil. You're welcome.

I know that ditching this date could restart

a war between our kingdoms, but right now,

that seems like a price worth paying.

Hey, hey, look, look.

We both know that our marriage is just there to keep the peace.

But look, let's just put all of that aside, yeah?

Let's just talk about our hopes and our dreams.

I'd like that.

So how much am I getting? Eh?

Think of world peace. Think of world peace.

It's called a dowry.

Her dad has to give me a load of stuff when I marry her.

It's a standard thing at regular weddings,

let alone ones being arranged to end a war.

Isn't that right?

I've got bare coins off of these lot.

So I get the gold, yeah?

Silver, the slaves, the horses and the cows. Is that all?

And me, of course.

Haha, yeah. Of course!

How could I forget that? That's mad.

I'm going to put you down under the horses.

And they say romance is dead.

So do you think you'll see each other again?

Sure. I mean, we'll have to, innit?

If we don't get married, then the war between our rival kingdoms

may well start up again.

Bro, I ain't got no choice.

The words every bride longs to hear.

Don't worry, babes. We'll look after you.

There you go.

Wives, let's go.

Just ignore him. We do.

Yeah... I'll catch you back at the palace. Yeah.

You know, I might have to be back next week

cos five wives ain't enough, you know what I mean?

You know what I'm saying?

The dust has settled on our final battle.

We all decided to put aside

the pillows of war and lead a peaceful life.

Because Daddus said if we didn't, he'd sell the telly.

Yes, war is never the answer -

unless the question is, three-letter word beginning with W,

English civil...what?

Of course, in the English Civil War,

Oliver Cromwell's motto was "peace through war".

But my dad says that's nonsense. And he might be right.

Things didn't work out so well for Cromwell.

Mm-mm-mm.

and Charles lost his head

fought for the cause

and repealed laws

Became Lord Protector

the crown and sceptre

was now what we were called

peace through war

into 12 little bits

Had to call that quits

would be the solution

with a new constitution

Death was my fate

stepping up to the plate

a year later

from Civil War times

and put my head on a spike

Right, now where's the party?