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♪ It seems today ♪
2
00:00:02,377 --> 00:00:04,003
♪ That all you see ♪
3
00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:07,299
♪ Is violence and movies
And sex on TV ♪
4
00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:10,928
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
5
00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:14,223
[all] ♪ On which
we used to rely? ♪
6
00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:17,518
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
7
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,687
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
8
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,231
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
9
00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:24,066
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
10
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:29,112
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
11
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,254
Mostly Family Guy, though.
12
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,799
[♪ upbeat music playing]
13
00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:02,854
♪ Busy city miss
can't spare a dime ♪
14
00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:06,483
♪ Can't find a man
Doesn't have the time ♪
15
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:11,321
♪ I like Ford trucks
and I think
the arcade is groovy ♪
16
00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:13,198
♪ And I like you ♪
17
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:14,992
♪ And Disney's Hulu's ♪
18
00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:16,910
♪ Family Guy's
Hallmark Channel's ♪
19
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:21,456
♪ Lifetime's Familiar
Holiday Movie ♪
20
00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:22,958
-[indistinct chatter]
-What floor, ma'am?
21
00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:24,960
Important business-lady floor.
22
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,753
Oh, two.
23
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:29,256
Good morning, Glenn.
Morning, Lois.
24
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:30,841
Here's your
protein bar breakfast
25
00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:32,926
to show you're too busy
to eat a normal breakfast.
26
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,012
I assume you'll be sleeping
at the office tonight?
27
00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,513
Affirmative.
28
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,307
Lois, I don't want to
speak out of turn,
29
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:39,850
but when
are you gonna slow down?
30
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:41,518
Find a man or a dog?
31
00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:42,811
Those being the only options
32
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,313
since this is
a Hallmark movie.
33
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:46,815
Well, I have no time
for relationships, Glenn.
34
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:50,610
I'm on the fast track,
and I plan to be CEO one day.
35
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,404
Okay, well, I'm gonna stop by
the water cooler
36
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:54,031
to check on the latest gossip.
37
00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:57,701
I heard American greeting
is run by Nazi sympathizers.
38
00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,202
All right,
this is a Hallmark movie.
39
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:00,203
[Carter] Lois!
40
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,706
Yes, Mr. Pewterschmidt?
41
00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:04,458
What are we gonna do
about this?
42
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,211
We're Big Pie!
43
00:02:09,211 --> 00:02:11,673
And yet every year
we lose "Best Pie" award
44
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:14,551
to this tiny podunk pie shop
in the middle of nowhere.
45
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:15,927
What do you have to say
about that?
46
00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:17,596
Well, there's
hundreds of pie shops,
47
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:18,805
so all things considered,
48
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:20,349
second place
is pretty darn good.
49
00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,225
-It's bad!
-I'm sorry, sir.
50
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,019
You're just lucky
you're a local hire,
51
00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:26,605
which got us our tax credit
to film in Vancouver.
52
00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:28,899
Yep, being Canadian
is the best thing "aboot" me.
53
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,859
Pewterschmidt, pack your bags.
54
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:32,819
I'm sending you
to that tiny hick town
55
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,905
to steal
the Aunt Maude's pie recipe
56
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,448
so we can put them
out of business.
57
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:38,700
But... But it's Christmas.
58
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,160
You don't care
about Christmas.
59
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,912
All you care about
is getting ahead.
60
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,121
Well, this is your chance.
61
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:45,415
Well, my dream is to be CEO.
62
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:47,459
So okay, I'll do it.
63
00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:49,252
Great. Since we're done
with business,
64
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:52,756
I now have to go sit nude
in a sauna with other CEOs.
65
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,717
I'll say the quiet part
out loud.
66
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,135
I miss Charlie Rose.
67
00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,720
-And Harvey.
-And Matt.
68
00:02:58,720 --> 00:02:59,888
And Les Moonves.
69
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,973
-[Les] I'm still here.
-Oh, hi, Les!
70
00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:08,814
Well, this stretch of road
71
00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:10,524
looks straight enough
for mascara.
72
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,277
-Look out!
-Argh!
73
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,278
[tires screeching]
74
00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:18,824
Ugh.
75
00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,496
[♪ festive music playing]
76
00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:31,795
[engine rattling]
77
00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,760
Hello? Is anyone here?
78
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,388
[man] Looks like
that fancy car of yours
is having a little trouble.
79
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,223
Is that one of them
Volvo-cedes?
80
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,766
[chuckling] Yeah, it is.
81
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,476
Uh, you think you can fix it?
82
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:47,978
Well, we'll just have to
take a look-see.
83
00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:50,522
Welcome to Townsville.
My name is Peter.
84
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:52,774
You might remember me
from the three other
Hallmark movies
85
00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:53,859
where we were a couple.
86
00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:56,778
Ooh, you've got working,
man hands.
87
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,780
We don't get that
in Cityopolis.
88
00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:00,740
Excuse me, Big City Lady?
89
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:03,326
Why can't white people
win Oscars anymore?
90
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,287
Well, now,
who's this little guy?
91
00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:06,913
Oh, that's my son, Stewie.
92
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,207
I raised him alone,
not because of divorce,
93
00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:11,835
but because his mom died
of a sad, tragic disease.
94
00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:14,379
-Hmm. Sounds made up.
-It is.
95
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:16,714
[Bonnie] Peter,
who are you talking to?
96
00:04:16,714 --> 00:04:19,176
Oh, no,
it's my hot local girlfriend
97
00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:22,137
who was cast to attract
a male audience
we'll never get.
98
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:24,473
[♪ alluring instrumental
music playing]
99
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,558
Uh... N-No one, dear.
100
00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:28,101
Just a lady with car trouble.
101
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:31,271
Not anyone I'm attracted to
and I'll masturbate to later.
102
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,815
Well, I'll have you know
I was the best-looking girl
103
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,525
in an even smaller town.
104
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:38,111
I won all of the
stupid hot girl awards.
105
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,155
I've been
on the cover of Forbes.
106
00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:41,573
It's "Ford",
107
00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:44,409
and I've been on
the hood of it, too.
108
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,161
Don't worry, ma'am,
I'll get your car fixed
109
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,662
so you can get back to, uh...
110
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,039
What was your town called?
111
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:51,124
-Cityopolis.
-Doesn't ring a bell.
112
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,626
Uh, Cityopolis?
113
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,586
The most famous city
in the world?
114
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:57,088
-Never heard of it.
-The world capital of theater,
115
00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:58,715
-ballet and fashion?
-Colder.
116
00:04:58,715 --> 00:04:59,799
[sighs]
117
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:01,259
The epicenter of Deep State,
118
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:02,969
media-controlling globalists.
119
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,596
Oh, Cityopolis!
120
00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:06,515
[♪ upbeat music playing]
121
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:15,816
[knock on door]
122
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,736
Peter, what...
What are you doing here?
123
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:22,030
Hey, Lois, I just wanted
to update you on your car.
124
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,740
The part won't be here
for three days.
125
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,075
Three days?
126
00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,493
Yeah,
the part's on a high shelf.
127
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:28,286
And we only got
one ladder in town.
128
00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,121
Between the roofers
and the apple pickers,
129
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:31,456
about three days is average.
130
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:33,333
That's assuming
there's no fires, mind you.
131
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,669
You mean I'm stuck here
for three days?
132
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,753
Yeah, sorry.
133
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,004
Hey, as long as you're stuck,
134
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,381
why don't I show you around?
135
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,842
It's not the big city,
but for me, it's home.
136
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,176
If you give it a chance,
137
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,428
I think you'll find
a lot to love in Townsville.
138
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:48,932
[♪ gentle music playing]
139
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:51,101
Okay, sure. [chuckles]
140
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,686
I'd like that.
141
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,646
[♪ lively festive music
playing]
142
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,334
[ice cracks, splashes]
143
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:27,554
[kids laughing]
144
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:28,638
You think that's funny?
145
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:29,973
You think that's funny,
mister?
146
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,891
I'll have you know
that a little snow
147
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,518
got in the wrist
of my sweater.
148
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:35,312
Now my wrist is wet.
149
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:37,856
I have to wear
a different sweater
for a little bit
150
00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:41,192
because I have to
hang up this sweater
next to the heater at home.
151
00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:43,069
Wool isn't supposed
to get wet.
152
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,195
You should know that.
153
00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:45,947
I'm gonna go have a word
with your father
154
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,283
who used to haze me
with his penis in high school
155
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,327
and is being
played by Patrick Duffy
156
00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:51,912
because this is
a Hallmark movie.
157
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,079
Good day.
158
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,835
Peter, what a perfect
little town you have.
159
00:06:58,835 --> 00:07:00,670
It's... It's so charming.
160
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:02,005
Yeah, it really is.
161
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:04,132
Granted, the schools
only go up to eighth grade,
162
00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:06,885
and the Ku Klux Klan
marches through town
every couple of years.
163
00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,970
-They do?
-Yeah, but most people boo
164
00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:10,555
and only a few take flyers.
165
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,432
But most of all,
Townsville is known for
166
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,517
its picture-perfect
Christmas pageant.
167
00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:16,436
-Ah!
-[alarm blaring]
168
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,520
Ah.
169
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,439
Hey, Aunt Maude's Pies.
170
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,900
Now, didn't you say you knew
someone who worked there?
171
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,652
Actually, I kind of
know the owner.
172
00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:24,944
They're opening up about now.
173
00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:26,655
-Why don't I introduce you?
-[bell chimes]
174
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:28,531
-[switch clicks]
-[gasps]
175
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:31,284
Peter...
you're Aunt Maude's Pies?
176
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,287
Wow.
177
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:38,500
I gotta take a photo of this
with my Samsung Galaxy Tab S9.
178
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,168
[announcer 1]
Disney's Hulu's Family Guy's
179
00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:42,587
Hallmark Channel's Lifetime's
Familiar Holiday movie
180
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,673
is brought to you by Samsung.
181
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,716
Okay,
I'll just put this down now.
182
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,968
-Label out!
-Yes, label out.
183
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,845
-I got your email.
-Thank you.
184
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:53,556
Stay tuned for
more label-out programming.
185
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:58,645
[♪ upbeat music playing]
186
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:01,815
Peter, I can't believe
your Aunt Maude's Pies.
187
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,692
Your pies are so good.
188
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,318
I mean they're city-good.
189
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:08,238
Peter, you dropped
your kid off at school
but it's Saturday.
190
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,740
I know, I wanted him to
swipe some school supplies.
191
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,743
Did you
get that staple remover
that looks like a monster?
192
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:15,912
Ah! Wh- Don't use it on me!
193
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,497
Lois, this is Joe,
194
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,791
and this is Cleveland
in a scene that can be cut
195
00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:22,544
without loss of continuity
in certain red states.
196
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:25,171
Guys, Lois is visiting
from Cityopolis.
197
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,965
Oh, is she now?
198
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,425
Oh, is she now?
199
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:29,759
Yeah, he's definitely
getting cut.
200
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:31,177
Nice to meet you all.
201
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,886
Lois, you are in for a treat.
202
00:08:32,886 --> 00:08:35,597
Aunt Maude's pies
are the best around.
203
00:08:35,597 --> 00:08:38,226
It'll help take off
that big city edge.
204
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:40,687
And it'll help you take off
that big city edge.
205
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,522
You're welcome,
Florida panhandle.
206
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,320
Oh, my God,
that is so delicious.
207
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,448
W-Where did you
get that recipe?
208
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,158
[chuckles nervously]
I mean, just as a fan.
209
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:55,368
Not a corporate spy
or anything.
210
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,245
Well,
when my beloved wife died...
211
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:59,581
You divorced her.
I don't know why
you won't admit it.
212
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,458
...I thought
I'd never make another pie.
213
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,084
-But the memory of Patty...
-Susan.
214
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,003
-...kept me going.
-She lives down the street.
215
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,129
God rest her soul.
216
00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,589
They both
have a court date tomorrow.
217
00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:10,633
Oh, yeah, my family's been
making pies for generations.
218
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:13,803
That's my grandma
in the racist old photos
from the '50s.
219
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:16,556
There she is
kicking some Italians
out of the shop.
220
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,349
It was her original recipe,
221
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:21,102
and her secret ingredient
was simple. Its--
222
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:23,229
[on TV]
Good morning, Townsville.
Tommy Tucker here,
223
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,106
reminding y'all...
That's right, "y'all",
224
00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,192
this is a Hallmark movie.
225
00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:29,986
...that the Big Townsville
Christmas Pageant
and Parade is just days away.
226
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,988
It promises to be
the highlight of the year
227
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,240
with the tree lighting,
Oxycontin cook-off,
228
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,825
and Cousin Kissing Booth.
229
00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:37,368
Oh, crap! Look at the time.
230
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,954
-Wha... What's wrong?
-I'm late for
pageant practice!
231
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,539
Bonnie and me
are singing the big duet!
232
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,584
Fat ass left me here again.
233
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,006
[cell phone ringing, beeps]
234
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,509
So, did you steal the recipe
from those hicks yet?
235
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:55,178
No, I've had some
car trouble to deal with.
236
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,764
The people here
are actually very nice.
237
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,265
Look, forget about
those hillbillies.
238
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,683
You're taking too long.
239
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:03,103
I'm starting to wonder
if you're truly CEO material.
240
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,730
Oh, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
I assure you, I am.
241
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,065
Well, I'm tired of waiting.
242
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,234
I want you to steal
the Aunt Maude recipe
243
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:10,902
during the big
Christmas pageant.
244
00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,278
Everyone in town
will be there,
245
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,322
and Peter will be
away from the pie shop.
246
00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:16,616
It's the perfect chance
to steal that recipe,
247
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,201
put Aunt Maude's
out of business,
248
00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:20,119
and bankrupt
that whole stupid town.
249
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:21,663
W-Whole town?
250
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:24,082
But... But you just
wanted the pie recipe.
251
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,208
I changed my mind.
252
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,835
You should too,
if you want to be CEO.
253
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:28,169
Now get that recipe!
254
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:29,754
Yes, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
255
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,005
Okay, talk tomorrow. Bye.
256
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:32,590
[grunts]
257
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:33,925
Oh, damn it.
258
00:10:33,925 --> 00:10:35,468
All right, which button?
259
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,887
-Did I... Did I hang up?
-No, you're still on.
260
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,138
Let's see. [sighs]
261
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:40,890
Well, now the flashlight's on.
262
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,100
Okay, there we go. I hung up.
263
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,018
You... You're still
talking to me.
264
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:47,105
Oh. You know, you sound like
that guy in that movie
about the taxi driver.
265
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:48,606
You mean Taxi Driver?
266
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,817
No, the one with Jimmy Fallon
and Queen Latifah.
267
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:51,985
You mean Taxi?
268
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,028
Yeah, that one.
God, I love that movie.
269
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:55,238
You know a movie is good
270
00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:57,198
when both leads
kind of stop acting after.
271
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:04,289
Bonnie and Peter,
thank you so much
for having me for dinner.
272
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,665
You have a lovely home.
273
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,833
You can spit anywhere,
by the way.
274
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,002
We're not uptight
about that kind of stuff.
275
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,461
[spits]
276
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,922
You missed your court date
and now I'm an Amber Alert.
277
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,258
The whole class knows.
I've been getting texts
all morning.
278
00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:17,719
Now we first need
to say grace.
279
00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:20,138
Dear Lord,
thank you for all that you do,
280
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,432
but please stop
sending Grandma to us
281
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,601
in the form of hummingbirds
and sunsets.
282
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:27,061
We're glad she's dead
and don't want to see her.
283
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,272
-[wings flapping]
-You swing a bat like a girl.
284
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:31,149
Leave me alone!
Somebody give her a cigarette
285
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:32,150
so she goes away.
286
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,527
I'll see you at Easter.
287
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,948
-[pained wailing]
-[all chewing]
288
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,325
What the hell is that?
289
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,826
Oh, that's our meth son.
290
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:42,911
Meth son?
291
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:44,037
Yeah, we're real proud of him.
292
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,622
For recovering?
293
00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:48,374
No, he's All-state meth,
First meth,
Tri-State meth Regionals.
294
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,209
He's got a full ride
at Southern Meth.
295
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:51,878
Chris, come say hi
to the company!
296
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:53,796
How you doing, pal?
297
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,883
My nose fell off
and so did this thing.
298
00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:59,719
-Is that your penis?
-Yeah.
299
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,638
I got to imagine
It'll grow back.
300
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:02,805
Anyway, keep training.
301
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,390
You got a big meth meet
coming up.
302
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:05,808
He's a good kid.
303
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,852
What about you, Lois?
How many kids you blasted out?
304
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,228
Oh, none.
305
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:10,355
Your uterus busted?
306
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,690
No, I'm just focused
on my career.
307
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,401
Oh, yeah, Bonnie and me do it
in the career a lot, too.
308
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,028
That's why we ain't got
no more kids.
309
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,446
Oh, sweetie.
310
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:22,700
Lois has a job and a fancy car
and big-city clothes.
311
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,202
I don't understand.
312
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:26,120
You could go
anywhere in the world.
313
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,873
Sarasota, Galveston, Branson.
314
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:29,999
Why here?
315
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:32,669
Oh, well, I just wanted to
take a break
316
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,087
from high-speed Internet.
317
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,589
[Brian barking]
318
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,132
Uhp, the dog smells food.
319
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,260
Damn it, Peter.
Don't let him in here.
320
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,678
I hate dogs!
321
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,179
And characters who hate pets
322
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,598
are always
the most sympathetic.
323
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,976
Come here, boy.
Give me a good
country-dog shake.
324
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,854
Good boy.
Now go poop everywhere.
325
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:52,939
You're not coming with me?
326
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,482
Oh, not this time.
I got company.
327
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:01,489
Hey, Lois, I brought a pie
especially for you.
328
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:02,657
I made it for a wedding,
329
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:05,118
but then I found out
it was two grooms, so...
330
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,119
you know, no way...
331
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,373
Lois?
332
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:15,962
"Have sex with pie guy
and steal Aunt Maude recipe."
333
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,630
Why did she
skip that first part?
334
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,715
And what?
335
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,341
Peter, what...
336
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,051
What are you doing in my room?
337
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:25,054
Lois, what's going on?
338
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:27,181
Are you trying to
steal my pie recipe?
339
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,307
No.
340
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,436
[sighs] Yes.
341
00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:33,688
Oh, Peter, I'm so sorry.
342
00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:37,233
So this whole time,
our love was fake, like COVID?
343
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,444
-Um, what?
-Don't follow me.
344
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,654
I need to go someplace
and cough for a while.
345
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,156
Okay, I won't.
346
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,699
I thought I smelled a rat,
347
00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,576
but I actually
can't smell anything.
348
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:49,704
I tell you, this has left
a real nothing taste
in my mouth.
349
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,956
-I think you might have COVID.
-Liar!
350
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:58,129
[♪ soft music playing]
351
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,717
[Lois]
Peter, I can't lie to you.
352
00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:06,721
I work for Big Pie
and was sent
to steal your recipe.
353
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:09,807
I didn't know that I would
fall in love with you.
354
00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:11,225
I'm so sorry.
355
00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:12,894
-And send.
-[phone beeps]
356
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:17,065
"1G"?
357
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,150
How do you even
send a text in this town?
358
00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,193
[knocking on door]
359
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:22,904
May I help you?
360
00:14:22,904 --> 00:14:24,447
I'm here to send your text.
361
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:25,907
I need your phone.
362
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,242
I'll have it back to you
in two hours.
363
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:30,036
Oh, okay.
364
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,454
[stick thudding]
365
00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:37,502
[grunting]
366
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,172
Damn it, roller bag.
367
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:43,007
I'm in no mood
for your nonsense.
368
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,383
Are you okay?
369
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,802
Oh, I've been better.
370
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,262
Wait, you're Andie MacDowell?
371
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:51,599
It's Mama Andie MacDowell
In this movie.
372
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:53,768
I used to get lead roles
in big movies,
373
00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:57,146
but now just minor parts
in these Hallmark movies
374
00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:59,190
because old people
remember me.
375
00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:01,859
Of course, I am a big fan.
376
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:04,987
Unless you're not actually
doing the voice
because you turned us down.
377
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,322
You look distraught.
378
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:07,573
Are you okay?
379
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:10,326
[sighs] Mama MacDowell,
I think I just made
380
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:12,161
the biggest mistake
of my life.
381
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,413
I've let my career ambitions
drive away
382
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:16,749
the most wonderful man
I've ever met.
383
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:20,878
But it's always been my dream
to be CEO of Big Pie.
384
00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,505
It's hard to let that go.
385
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:25,174
I see the way
Peter makes you smile.
386
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:29,679
You and Peter have something
very special: true love.
387
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:33,891
That's more precious
than any job title,
and it's worth fighting for.
388
00:15:36,978 --> 00:15:39,313
Oh, Mama MacDowell,
you're right.
389
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:41,816
Peter is the most
wonderful man I've ever met.
390
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,526
I can't let him go.
391
00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:45,236
Now, if you'll excuse me,
392
00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:47,196
I gotta go deploy
a butt torpedo
393
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,407
from the SS Brownfish.
394
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:51,284
Ah, must have turned us down.
395
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,369
I've got to win back Peter.
396
00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,255
Hey, guys,
remember that cameraman
397
00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:06,674
who was talking about
unionizing this production?
398
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:07,675
Where did he go?
399
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:10,636
Hey, miss, You need a lift?
400
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,556
No, I'm sorry,
this scene can't be cut.
401
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:16,517
[indistinct chatter]
402
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,519
Kind of weird
we're doing
a Christmas pageant
403
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,771
in the shadow
of a Civil War memorial.
404
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:23,357
"Dedicated to the brave men
of Townsville
405
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:27,361
who lost their lives fighting
to preserve our traditions."
406
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:29,989
Traditions? W-What?
What are they saying there?
407
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,741
Have you seen Bonnie?
408
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:34,076
The whole town is here
to see us perform
our big Christmas duet.
409
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,286
Bonnie called.
410
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,497
She's fallen ill
and can't perform.
411
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,166
-[crowd gasps]
-What are we gonna do?
412
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,959
That's the highlight
of Christmas.
413
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,295
It's where I met my wife.
414
00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:47,965
That's right.
I'm married to a woman
in the Hallmark universe.
415
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,926
We'll have to cancel
the Christmas concert.
416
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:53,221
The town will be devastated
until our
Valentine's Day movie.
417
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:54,263
[Lois] I'll do it,
418
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,808
-Lois.
-[indistinct chatter]
419
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,980
No!
I never want to see you again.
420
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,023
Okay, Peter.
Fair enough.
421
00:17:05,023 --> 00:17:07,401
[♪ somber instrumental
music playing]
422
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:08,653
Wait.
423
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,863
You don't have to see me
if we sing back-to-back.
424
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,532
Then our bums will touch
and I'll forget the words.
425
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:16,327
Well, that's a risk
we have to take
to save Christmas.
426
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:23,459
♪ Oh, the weather outside
is frightful ♪
427
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,419
[mumbling]
428
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:26,628
♪ Delightful... ♪
429
00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:28,923
Oh, Peter, you do love me.
430
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:30,383
Of course I do.
431
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,386
I have since the moment
I met you yesterday.
432
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:36,722
♪ And since we've
no place to go ♪
433
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,058
[mumbling]
434
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,810
♪ Snow... ♪
435
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,270
I was looking at your boobs
that time.
436
00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:44,730
[both moaning]
437
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:51,612
[crowd cheering]
438
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:56,033
Lois, there's something
I've wanted to ask you
439
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,285
since the moment we met.
440
00:17:58,286 --> 00:18:00,079
Peter, are... are you serious?
441
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,747
I never thought
I could love again
442
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,082
after my wife died.
443
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,001
[Stewie] She's here with me
right now.
444
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,836
Yes, she got new glasses,
but seriously,
445
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,713
that can't be why
you don't recognize her.
446
00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,131
Oh, Peter!
447
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:11,591
[cell phone ringing]
448
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,718
Oh, crap, I gotta take this.
449
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:14,927
H-Hello?
450
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,053
Girl,
451
00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:18,431
Carter's been fired
from Big Pie,
452
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,558
and guess who they want
to be CEO?
453
00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:22,727
What? You mean me?
454
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:24,020
Are you serious?
455
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,772
A hundred thousand dollars
a year?
456
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:30,359
Well, that's a lot of money
for people who watch
these movies.
457
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,821
[♪ sorrowful music playing]
458
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:37,575
I could never stand between
you and your dream
of a six figure salary.
459
00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,160
Five figures, post-tax.
460
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,954
in a shockingly expensive city
with high crime.
461
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,873
But I know
you'll be a big success
462
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,166
until you're punched
in the face
463
00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:46,667
or shoved on a subway track.
464
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,342
What's your take
on our new slate of pies?
465
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:56,010
Market testing was favorable,
466
00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,928
so let's fast track it
and launch a campaign
467
00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:59,764
hitting digital, print,
and TV.
468
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:00,931
What do you guys think?
469
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,850
-Brilliant move, Lois.
-Home run!
470
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,393
Okay, next item.
471
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:07,146
New pie flavor roll-outs.
What do we got?
472
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:10,566
We got pecan, butterscotch,
cherry, meringue,
473
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:13,861
apple, rhubarb, pumpkin,
key lime...
474
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,780
[♪ sentimental music playing]
475
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,615
I miss you, Lois.
476
00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:20,034
Oh, I miss you too, Peter.
477
00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:22,787
Did you know
no two snowflakes are alike?
478
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,413
Yes, everyone knows that.
479
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:25,414
All right, fine.
480
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,586
Donna, Glenn,
481
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,963
I left my heart in Townsville.
482
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:36,217
Also, I thought
the Mets would be better,
but they're just garbage.
483
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,302
[♪ upbeat music playing]
484
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:39,679
You go queen!
485
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:46,727
[screams, groans]
486
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:48,729
Argh!
487
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:50,731
Argh...
488
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:53,984
[groaning continues]
489
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:02,159
[door opens]
490
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:05,746
-Lois?
-[chair whirring]
491
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,961
[over electronic voice box]
Peter, these last few days,
492
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:16,090
I realized you may be
a simple, small-town mechanic
493
00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:19,009
with a small-town job
and salary.
494
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:20,720
But, dot-dot-dot,
495
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,305
some things
are more important.
496
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:26,642
I've decided I'm willing
to walk away from glamor
497
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:30,062
and a high flying career
to spend the rest of my life
498
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:35,025
with my very special,
average guy I love
named Peter.
499
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,406
Thank you for that.
500
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:41,907
Um...
501
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:45,453
It's just... small towns
are extremely
ADA non-compliant...
502
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:46,996
being one issue.
503
00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:50,833
It's just... It's just...
It's just a lot,
is all I'm saying.
504
00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:55,087
[♪ instrumental
"Jingle Bells" playing]
505
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:05,973
Hello, blue states.
506
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:07,975
Hallmark said
I could show you,
507
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,101
and just you,
508
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:12,021
a scene I was in
that was cut "for time."
509
00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:13,272
I hope you enjoy it.
510
00:21:14,148 --> 00:21:15,316
More that way!
511
00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:16,817
L-Little more.
512
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:17,818
Boom shizzle!
513
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,779
Oh, that's dope as hell.
514
00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:24,575
I think that looks lovely.
515
00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:26,994
[announcer 2] Hallmark,
If we scare
any heavy white women,
516
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:28,829
our whole business collapses.
37663
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