Original subtitles

I'm nervous, babe.

Don't worry, babe. It'll be okay. And he's the best OBGYN on the western

seaboard. Yeah, you're right.

As long as we're together.

Come in.

Hello, you must be Mr. Humphrey. Yeah, thank you. And you must be Miss Gray.

Yes, hi.

Alright, well...

It's nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Pounder. I will be your OBGYN.

Can I go ahead and get your birth date and your last four?

Yes, it's 10 -29 -98 and the last four is 6 -9 -6 -9.

Great.

All right, so what exactly brings you guys in here today?

Well, Doc, we've been trying to get pregnant for like two years now, and

tried everything. It's just not working.

So we came to you.

Yeah, we've heard from friends and from around the world that you have some

special methods that you have.

My methods are a little unorthodox, but they seem to yield pretty good results.

Yeah, I mean, we've heard about your reputation, so that's why we're here.

Have you guys tried any of the all -natural routes, such as drinking

juice extract? Yeah, we tried turning her upside down and everything.

Have you had your levels checked?

Yeah, I mean, everything seems to be normal. All right,

well, let's go ahead and get a look in here.

Okay.

How are you feeling today?

I'm feeling okay. I'm a little nervous.

Alright, so I'm going to go ahead and insert and see if there's any pain or

anything going on right there.

You are tight.

It's okay, baby. How's that? Any tenderness or

uncomfortability? No, not really.

Okay, right there.

Okay, so what it feels like, it feels like there's a blockage down there.

Oh, a blockage?

Mm -hmm.

I don't know if your semen is actually going in there, but it seems like there

might, it feels like there's a wall down there.

I'm going to need your help on this.

We're going to force air from her esophagus down her body, and

then as her stomach inflates, I'm going to want you to push that in a sweeping

motion like this.

We've got to push out a blockage. I'm assuming you eat meat?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, you eat the cheap stuff? You eat fast food?

It's okay. Don't worry about it. It's very common.

That can kind of lead to some concrete sperm inside when it mixes. If there are

pH levels that match right.

Call it a deal. We just want to knock that out of there and give a clean path

for your swimmers, right? Sure, yeah, of course. Bear with me. This is a little

unorthodox.

Um, doctor?

What's going on, doctor?

I told you, this is unorthodox.

But to make babies, you've got to get federal.

You've got to be one with the bodies.

Your body, you've been eating bad food.

So we're going to push the air out, we're going to break that concrete seal,

then you're going to make babies.

You have babies, don't you?

Yeah, of course, doctor.

I'm not sure about this, doctor.

Oh, my God.

Doctor.

Doctor,

this doesn't seem right.

Do you want to have a baby or not? I told you my methods are unorthodox, but

they work. You've seen my reviews online.

Push the air through. Push the air through.

Push the air through like you want to have a baby, okay? All right, doctor.

Okay, I got it.

Get your head down there. See if there's air coming out.

Okay.

I'm not sure if it's working.

All right.

Hold on to this one, all right?

Get it. Put your head in there.

Push the air, push the air. Okay.

I can feel it.

It's working, Doc.

Right there.

Okay.

It's working, Doc. I can feel the air for sure.

Yeah. We're clearing up that blockage that you put in there.

Bad diet doing cream pies.

It's the audacity.

All right, blockage clear back there? I think so. Time to move on to step two.

Oh, wow.

All right.

I need you to scoot all the way down to the edge.

Okay. All right, good sir. I need you to get out of the way for the doctor.

Okay. Can I take these off?

Yep, get comfy.

Sorry. All right.

Go ahead and get comfortable right on the edge there. We've got to get in

and see what we can find.

Now you need to like stimulate it, you know, and I don't know if that's You

know, I'm just gonna do this because I'm the professional here Okay, sure

You might want to close your eyes for this part. Yeah, I don't know what

into.

We're giving you family.

Right there.

Oh, wow.

Break open that gap.

Right there.

For our family.

Doctor, you're fucking my wife!

Sir, I am clearing a blockage.

Clearly you did not clear this on your own, so you came here.

Did you not see the reviews online?

He knows what he's doing, baby.

Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me.

What's your first name?

Jack. Jack, all right, Jack.

We're going to get you a family.

Okay.

All right. Let me guess, you don't like Big Pharma either.

We're doing this the real way.

That's right.

That's right.

And visualize the blockage melting away.

You can feel it.

Oh, wow.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, baby.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh,

baby.

Doctor, it's such a big thing.

I can see that.

Oh, Dr. Pounder. You don't got to reach the end of the tunnel. You just got to

beat the shit out of the walls.

Oh, God.

Look what we're doing. We're unlocking right there. Oh. that they taught you in

medical school?

Jack, they don't teach this in medical school.

Why? I'm the best at what I do.

Okay. I go above and beyond.

Look at me, Jack. Look at me, Jack.

I go to all the health conferences all around the world and all the inner

workings of the baby.

Okay. What are we doing?

We're making babies, right?

You want to be a daddy?

Yeah.

What if I'm going to be the daddy at this point?

It's working.

Well, Jack, I put my hand in there and I could feel it.

That's how I get the pill, Jack.

Oh, fuck, yes.

Could you console your husband? I think he's struggling with that.

You can join me.

I don't want to do that.

Oh, baby.

Oh, you're going to make such a great father.

That a boy, Jack.

So I'm going to grab it like this.

Look at this, Jack. See what we're going to do?

We're really going to get in there and break down. Great.

Love it. Thank you, doctor.

You're doing great.

Oh, yeah.

Right there.

Okay.

She said it, Jack. She said she wanted to taste it.

Just focus on her feet. Rub her feet.

Yeah, right there.

Just like that, yeah.

How's that, honey?

It's amazing, sweetie.

There.

Oh, God.

Just like that.

We need to hit another angle.

Another angle? Yeah, we've only been hitting this angle, and it's working.

It's working, Jack. We're not there yet.

How many angles do we have to hit?

As many as it takes. As many as it takes. We're going to make you a daddy.

Let's just sit over here and pack that ass up.

Oh, God. Oh, baby.

Oh, it's true, baby.

Oh, it's true.

Jack, it only feels amazing because we're clearing

up those blockages.

I trust you, doctor.

There has to be a reason why he was breathing so hard.

for writing those reviews.

I do offer special discounts for good reviews.

That's good business practice.

That's right.

Jack,

I don't tell you how to do your job.

Don't tell me how to do mine.

Hey Jack, could you be a sport and hand me that lubrication gel over there?

Thank you so much.

Anything you need, doctor.

Wow.

Okay.

We're getting in there.

We're not done yet.

Alright. Go ahead and back it up.

I guess I just wasn't expecting all this to happen at the gyno office.

Have you gone to gynecology school?

I'm assuming you have not, Jack.

No, I didn't. Have you ever researched it before? You googled it on the

interwebs?

He knows what he's doing, Jack.

Maybe if you fucked me better, we wouldn't be here.

You would have pregnant me already.

I didn't say it, Jack. That wasn't me.

You don't have to bring that up.

That's just the medicine working.

Don't take it personally. I'll tell you one thing. I hate it.

The worst doctor's visit I've ever been on. Oh, grow up.

Come on.

You want to have a family, remember?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Somehow I thought I'd be more involved in the insemination process by dad.

Jack, it was your insemination process that led you to my office to begin with.

That's right. I'm fixing it for you so that you can go back to it. I don't

that's very fair, doctor.

Love life's not fair.

Yeah.

Oh, baby.

You have to enjoy it that much?

Oh, you know this is my favorite.

You wish your wife to be miserable at the office? In order to have a good

I didn't think... Happy or not happy, Jack? Happy or not?

Okay, Jack, that's all that matters. Yeah, baby, you want me to be happy,

you?

You look very happy.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

See that? She says it and she means it. I don't think you mean it, Jack. Well,

it's a little bit difficult when there's another man's penis in my wife.

Right there.

Right there.

Let's work all the edges out there. Get that edge out there. That's the last

angle, right, Doctor?

Well, we'll see. We'll see.

I'll do an examination after this angle.

We'll see.

Oh, fuck, baby.

Oh, I want to taste it again.

Yeah. Yeah.

What does tasting it have to do with... I thought we got plenty of tasting it. I

love my wife.

I love my life, too.

It's a good life. Are you married, Doctor?

No.

You're lucky.

Oh, baby, don't be so sad.

It's all for us, remember?

For my family.

As much as it takes. Yeah, baby. As much as it takes, Jack. As much as it takes.

Do you want to do one treatment or two?

Oh, as many as it needs.

I could come back every week.

I can schedule a follow -up visit. Yes, we need a follow -up visit, baby.

Are you sure?

Yeah, a thousand percent. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck.

Let's go ahead and flip this around so we're hitting another angle.

I want to get all of the angles.

Every angle.

Yeah.

It's the angle, Doc.

Well, the first one's covered by your insurance. The second one's out of

I'm just trying to save you money, Jack.

I'm paying for this?

Not this one. But if we have to do a follow -up, your plan doesn't cover a

second visit.

Oh, sweetie.

Do you have a financing plan? Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby.

Why don't you go in and out?

I'd rather not.

Oh, right there. Yeah. Oh, God.

Why did you treat a woman?

Fuck! Oh, fuck!

Why didn't you marry me then? Oh, fuck!

Oh, sweetie.

You know why I married you.

For your money.

What?

Stay in the office?

Well, what happens if you stay in the office?

Don't worry, Jack.

She's still going home with you.

I'm worried about the wrong thing.

What should I be worried about?

You should be worried about making your family happen. Because it's going to

happen. That's right. Write that until you just fucking come like you've never

come before.

Tell her to come, Jack.

Tell her to come. She needs it.

Do what?

Guess what, Jack?

Yeah? We're almost there.

Okay. We've seen the final touches.

Final touches. Final touches. Final touches.

Thank you.

Yes,

give it to me.

Yes, give it to me. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You ready to close up this appointment?

and none of them goes inside.

Well, I got some good news, Jack.

I think we cleared up that blockage.

Great news. I can't promise you that it's going to be my kid, but I suggest

you go home and make sweet, sweet love to your beautiful wife.

Yeah.

That's not the spirit. Let me get a hell yeah.

You're going to be a daddy.

I'm going to be a dad. We're going to be parents.

I'm so excited.

I can't wait.

Aw, thank you, doctor.