Original subtitles

It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Connie Stevens.

And from Sesame Street. Ernie and Bert.

(# "The Muppet Show" theme)

# It's time to play the music

# It's time to light the lights

# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

# It's time to put on makeup

# It's time to dress up right

# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey! That Gonzo is so dumb, he just heard that we're running short of water,

so he wants us to dilute it.

# To introduce our guest star

# That's what I'm here to do

# So it really makes me happy

# To introduce to you

Miss Connie Stevens!

# But now let's get things started on the most sensational, inspirational

# celebrational, Muppetational

# This is what we call The Muppet Show

(glass breaking)

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show.

Hey, our special guest star is the beautiful and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens.

So we're gonna have a great show for you tonight,

and matter of fact, right now I'd like you to meet another friend of mine.

Her name is Lydia. Hit it!

(band plays "Lydia the Tattooed Lady" by Harold Arlen and E Y Harburg)

# Lydia, oh, Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?

# Lydia the tattooed lady

# She has eyes that folks adore so

# And a torso even more so

# Lydia, oh, Lydia, that encyclopedia

# Oh, Lydia the queen of tattoo

# On her back is the battle of Waterloo

# Beside it the wreck of the Hesperus too

# And proudly above waves the red, white and blue

# You can learn a lot from Lydia

# La da daa

# Da da dum

# La da daa

# Da da dum

# She can give you a view of the world in tattoo

# If you step up and tell her where

# For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paris

# Or Washington crossing the Delaware

# La da daa

# Da da dum

# Loo doo doo

# Doo doo

# Lydia, oh, Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?

# Oh, Lydia the tattooed lady

# When her muscles start relaxing

# Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson

# Lydia, oh, Lydia, oh, have you met Lydia?

# Oh, Lydia the champ of them all

# She once swept an admiral clear off his feet

# The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat

# And now the old boy's in command of the fleet

# For he went and married Lydia

Oh, uh, Piggy. Have you met Lydia?

- No. Have you met my left fist? - Hmm?

I love it. I love it.

Of course he loves it. He's the kind of guy who plants poison ivy.

Hilda, Hilda. Could I ask a great big favor?

Oh, Gonzo, I'm very busy right now.

Oh, but I brought my teddy bear in just especially for you to repair.

Gonzo, aren't you a little old to carry around a teddy bear?

Really? You think I'm emotionally mature enough to move up to a Raggedy Ann?

Gonzo, I categorically, absolutely refuse

to repair that teddy bear.

- Can I take that to mean "maybe"? - Oh!

Oh, come on, Hilda. What do you say? Huh?

I say that bear is the worst thing I have ever seen in this theater.

Why not get rid of him?

But, but Hilda...

The bear is the worst thing she's ever seen in this theater?

My whole life is flashing before my eyes.

(sings in mock Swedish)

English word der Swedish meatballs.

Here is der sauce der meatballs.

(sings in mock Swedish)

Das good. Oop!

(speaks in mock Swedish)

Oh.

Is a beencey bouncy burger, eh?

I serve de burger...

(speaks in mock Swedish)

15-love.

Kermit, this is an ultimatum. We sing tonight or else.

- Kermit's not here, Wayne. - Hmm. Hiding from my wrath, no doubt.

That's funny. He's not on stage, either.

- Wanda, no one is on stage. - You mean...

Yes. This is our chance. We must grasp it.

But this is supposed to be the place for the Connie Stevens spot.

Oh, we'll cut the Connie Stevens spot.

Who needs the Connie Stevens spot?

Who cares about the Connie Stevens spot?

I can't wait for the Connie Stevens spot!

Well, I thought Kermit was gonna introduce me.

- And indeed he shall. - Hi, Kermit.

Hi, Connie. Wow. Hey, listen, gang.

I'd like to introduce that indefatigable blonde bundle

of beauty and talent, Miss Connie Stevens.

Wow!

And that was only your backstage introduction.

When you sing your song, I'm gonna pull out all the stops.

- Aw, thanks, Kermit. You're so kind. - It was my pleasure.

Incidentally, I've been looking at this number you're gonna do,

and I don't remember ever hearing it before.

Yeah, well, when I get done with it, you may never hear it again.

- Listen, it was a big hit back in the '50s. - Oh, yeah?

And I would like to dedicate this to my old boyfriend, Jimmy McAfee.

He used to sing this to me in his hot rod back in 1956, in the front seat.

- Oh, yeah? Your first love, huh? - Yeah.

Sure was a beautiful car.

I... I, I meant Jimmy McAfee.

Oh, yeah. Jimmy McAfee.

Kermit, boy, did I love him.

He had this long, thick, greasy hair, you know.

And he used to wear this big leather jacket.

And you know something? If we had saved Jimmy's hair

we wouldn't have any oil shortage today.

I can't wait to hear the song. And like I told you earlier, we got a group to back you up.

- Fantastic! - (grunting and roaring)

- Is that the group? - Yep. You called it.

Well, they aren't The Temptations.

No, those are The Mutations.

- Delightful. - Yeah. Well, I tell you what.

I'm gonna go out there, and give you a big 1950s disc-jockey style introduction, OK?

- OK. - Whoo!

(# "Teenager In Love" by Mort Shuman and Doc Pomus)

This is Kermit the Frog, your favorite jock,

with all the top tunes of today spinning merrily out your way.

Stacks and stacks of wax and wax, and this is a golden oldie, a blast from the past.

The fabulous Connie Stevens and The Mutations

with a platter that mattered way back in 1956.

Let's lock on "Teenager In Love." Connie, you're on!

# Each time we have a quarrel

# It almost breaks my heart

# 'Cause I am so afraid

# That we will have to part

# Each night I ask the stars up above

# Why must I be a teenager in love?

# I cried a tear

# For nobody but you

# I'd be the lonely one

# If you should say we're through

# Well, if you want to make me cry

# That won't be so hard to do

# And if you should say goodbye

# I'll still go on loving you

# 'Cause each night I ask the stars up above

# Why must I be a teenager in love?

# Why must I be a teenager

# In love?

Ah, how poignant. I remember being a teenager in love.

Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you!

Kermit, don't tell me you don't like him either.

Well, what's to like, Gonzo? That bear is the worst. I say let's get rid of him, OK?

But he's a nice bear. Come on, I don't care if he is moldy-looking. I like him.

Did you hear? Only Gonzo likes me.

And he thinks I'm moldy.

(# tea dance music)

I see they've finally started to class this place up.

- How do you mean? - They're making the rats wear neckties.

...two, three, dip. One, two, three, dip.

One, two, three, dip.

(screams)

One, two, three, dip.

(screams)

Bruce, this is not a fox trot.

It is to me.

(# "Ain't Misbehavin"' by Fats Waller)

# No one to talk with, all by myself

# No one to walk with, but I'm happy on the shelf

# Ain't misbehavin', savin' my love for you

# Sca-da-ba-da-doo

# I know for certain the one I love

# I'm through with flirting, it's just you I'm dreaming of

# Ain't misbehavin', savin' my love for you

# Like Jack Horner in the corner

# Don't go nowhere, what do I care?

# Your kisses are worth waiting for

# Believe me

# I don't stay out late, don't care to go

# I'm home about eight, just me and my radio

# Ain't misbehavin', savin' my love for you

# Believe me

# I don't stay out late, don't care to go

# I'm home about 8, just me and my radio

# Ain't misbehaving, saving my love for you

# Be-ba-da-bom

Ahh!

Uh, Connie, at last...

...we're alone. - You know something?

I think it's terrific being with you.

- Oh, yeah? - (# "Close To You" by Burt Bacharach)

# Why do stars fall down from the skies

# Every time you walk by?

# Just like me

# They long to be

# Close to you

# Aaa-aaa-aahh

# Close to you

# Aaa-aaa-aahh

# Close to you

# On the day that you were born the angels got together

# And decided to create a dream come true

# So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of green

# And starlight in your eyes of blue

# That is why all the girls in town

# Follow you around

# Ooh, just like me

# They long to be

# Close to you

Are you ready, fellas?

# Just like me

# They long to be

# Close

# To

# You

I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens, but I'm too close to something else.

- Well, what's that? - 90.

I've had it. Now that I know what people think of me here,

I'm leaving the show.

(Gonzo) Oh, hi, guys. Say, I'm curious. What do you think of him?

Listen, they're talking about me. Well, I will not listen.

What do I think of the bear? Why, he's funny.

No, no, really. Every time I look at him he makes me want to laugh and laugh.

- Oh, I think he's just great. - Oh, well, I'm glad you like him too.

Kermit thinks it's a disgrace to have him around

and says we ought to get a new one.

Well, that'd be nice too.

The bear can barely bear it, folks.

OK, Zoot. It's time for your solo. Have you looked over the music?

- Yeah. You expect me to play this, man? - What else would you do with it?

If I had a match I could put it out of its misery.

Don't joke me, Zoot. This is a great little number.

Yeah. What if I refuse to play it?

What if I get a new sax player?

What if you and I just get right down to it and do this little beauty?

- Good thought. - Yeah.

Forgive me, Charlie Parker, wherever you are.

(#jazz music)

OK. And now, for your amazement and confusion,

The Muppet Show 's resident weird person, Gonzo the Great,

will grow a tomato plant

whilst playing the 181 2 Overture on the violin.

Thank you, thank you.

This is the tomato plant, and I am the Gonzo.

- This act may not last long. - (Gonzo plays "181 2 Overture" on violin)

- (Gonzo) Whoo! Whee-aaa-hahah! - (violin stops)

In fact, it's over.

No! Get off me!

(screaming and shouting)

Well, they're gonna be tied up for a while.

- Goodbye, Mr. Frog. - Uh, Fozzie? Where are you going?

Oh, I've been hearing what they've been saying about the old bear here,

so I'm going home. I'm leaving the show business.

- But... - Kermit.

- Bye. - If the bear goes, I go.

Wha... Gonzo, I never realized! Oh, boy, oh, boy. OK.

OK. The ball is in your court, frog.

Uh, wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it.

Listen, Fozzie, when you heard people saying

they didn't want the bear around here, they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear.

Not to you.

Teddy bear?

Oh, you mean... Then you really want me to stay on the show?

Of course I want you to stay on the show. You're a star.

- You're a legend in your own time. - Oh!

- Am I laying it on a little too thick? - Oh, I don't know what to say,

except that if you, the frog, want me, the bear, to stay, then...

- I just have to have a raise. - What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I want an even bigger dressing room, and a limousine...

- Will you get out of here, Fozzie? - Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, well, like I was saying, Kermit, if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes.

OK, OK.

You can stay. The teddy bear can stay. Both bears can stay. The Gonzo can stay.

Phew!

Sometimes the crown weighs rather heavy on this little froggy head.

(newsreader) Here's a Muppet news flash.

And now, to Washington DC for a direct call on our hot line.

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

And now it's time to present two old friends of ours.

All the way from Sesame Street. Here they are now, the two and only,

Ernie and Bert.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gee, it's really great to be here. Right, Bert?

Uh... Guess so.

- Well, what's wrong, Bert? - Well, I mean, uh...

I feel funny being here. This is a big TV variety show, you know.

- Well, so? - Well, I... I'm no performer.

Oh, Bert. A suave, sophisticated showman like you, Bert?

Oh, sure, sure. You see, I know you.

You're gonna keep on saying I'm suave and sophisticated,

and then when I start to believe it, then you're gonna say how pointy head I have,

and how floppy arms I have, and, and how dull I am.

- I know you. - Oh, Bert, Bert, Bert.

- What? - Now, you must admit, though, Bert,

that the head up there is a little bit pointy, Bert.

And you must admit that the arms are a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert.

- See that? - Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- And Bert? Bert? - What?

The nose is still loose, Bert.

- Now cut that out! - Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Bert. Here.

- There we go, Bert. - Yeah. See what I mean?

I mean, that old loose nose joke is funny on Sesame Street.

But this is big time, Ernie.

I mean, they're expecting an act or something...

- Hey, Bert, wait a minute. - What?

You can do an act.

- All you need are the clothes, Bert. - Ah, no... Clothes?

- Come here, Bert. Step right over here. - No, I... No, stop it...

- No, no, right over here, Bert. - I know what you have in mind. Stop it!

(scuffling sounds)

And here he is now, that suave, sophisticated showman,

my old buddy, Bert.

Well, Bert? What do you say?

# Some enchanted evening

- Beg pardon, Bert? - # You may see a stranger

(# "Some Enchanted Evening" by Rodgers and Hammerstein)

What's going on here?

# You may see a stranger

# Across a crowded room

# And somehow you know

# You know even then

# That somewhere you'll see her

# Again and again

# Who can explain it?

# Who can tell you why?

# Fools give you reasons

# Wise men never

# Try

Oh, Connie.

(sighs)

# Once you have found her

# Never let her go

# Once you have found her

# Never

# Let her

# Go

- Ernie? - Hmm?

- Ernie, come here. - What, Bert?

Did I just make a complete fool of myself?

Absolutely, Bert.

- Take me home. I feel terrible. - OK. Come on, Bert.

Well, Connie, we sure want to thank you for being with us on the show tonight.

Well, thank you, Kermit. I had a ball.

Uh, listen. Hey, we'd also like to present you with a little gift

that we give to all our guest stars on the show:

A Muppet likeness of yourself.

Uh, hiya, Connie. Do you think there's room for two of us in this business?

- Well, can you sing and dance? - Uh, no.

Well, then, there's plenty of room.

Thanks a lot, Kermit. This is a lovely surprise. I would like to thank...

Oh, no.

It's a...

It's a crazy Great Gonzo tomato plant! Hey, make sure Connie's OK,

and tell Gonzo that either the plant goes or he goes.

We lose more guests that way.

Anyhow, take care of yourselves, and we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

(# "The Muppet Show" theme)

Well, do you think this show is educational?

Yes, it'll drive people to read books.

(bum note)