Original subtitles

You know the girl.

Your first real vision of beauty.

The one that all other girls have to measure up to.

Class, we have a new student today.

Her name is Cristabel.

Everyone say hi to Cristabel.

Hi, Cristabel.

The heavens opened.

And that was it.

The moment l first fell in love.

You know the girl.

The one you run to so you can

breathlessly declare your undying love.

But things don't always work out the way you think they will...

...when you're six years old.

She cries at commercials by AT&T.

She sobs at the videos on MTV.

But she says it's got nothing to do with me...

She's just an emotional girl.

She rips off my suits and cuts off the sleeves.

And shaves my head while l'm fast asleep.

Sometimes l feel she's the princess

and l'm just the pea...

And she's just an emotional girl.

Just an emotional...

You want the guitar?

ls...is everything okay...honey?

You just don't get it, do you.

l don't know.

Your songs, which suck, by the way...

Are always about things l did.

They're not about you being in love with me.

They're always about lalalalala Jane shaved my head.

But you did.

And it's fine.

We can laugh about it now, sweetie.

Why do you think l spray painted your car?

And l know this one.

Because you were mad?

l'm leaving....

And l'm taking my drawer.

Fuck this.

For all l've put up with,

l seem to deserve better than this.

Jane...okay, okay, um...

-Listen, listen, listen... -What?

Are you going to keep the actual drawer?

-You're an asshole! -No. Okay, okay, okay.

You can keep it.

l just don't know what to do with the rest of it

Come on.

Okay...Jane, you see?

l came all the way down the stairs.

Stop. Please, please, please stop. Wait.

Let's talk.

This is not talking.

You don't know what it's like to be in love with someone

for years and have absolutely no idea

if they're ever going to love you back.

You're a loser, Nate Cooper.

And that's when it hit me.

Yes, she may have overreacted...

But Jane was right.

No other girl would ever make me happy.

Cristabel Abbott was the one.

But how could l have known the hurdles l would have to overcome.

l have a valentine for you in my backpack.

We just haven't had a chance to give ours out yet.

l knew l had to find her.

And l knew just who to go to.

My best friend from first grade.

Who shared in the glories that were Cristabel

and the art of nose picking.

Arno Blount.

Are you tired of doing hundreds of ab exercises...

and not getting the flat stomach you want?

Well, it's time to stop, America...

Because you've been going the wrong way.

That's right, America.

You've been going the wrong way.

Now there's my Ab Away Pro System.

Designed with reverse ab action.

The fastest, easiest way to have firm, flat abs.

lt's all the same.

My Arno just loves holiday candies.

So we stock them up year round.

They make me feel happy.

Can l get you a Courvasier

or cocoa?

No thank you, Ms. Blount.

l'm fine.

So you got a degree in art history, huh?

Uh...yeah.

That means unemployed, right?

-Pretty much, yeah. -Cool.

Means a lot more time to hang, huh?

-Okay. -So, you want to know

what happened to Cristabel Abbott.

Well, yeah.

Well, l'm curious to know

how everyone's doing after all these years.

Everyone...Right.

Well, my friend, you came to the right place.

Wow, that's Cristabel?

-Yep. -You know,

"cause usually 13's a bad age.

From the first grade on, she just got hotter every year.

That's weird.

Dear lord...Oh God.

-ls that...uh... -June Phigg.

The nottie.

Ooh...nottie?

lt's a very well known law of physics.

The hotness of one girl is directly proportional

to the ugliness of her best friend.

Wow. June Phigg.

lt's sort of sweet they've stayed friends all these years.

Sweet?

She's like some hideous dragon guarding the princess from escape.

What?

ln order to gain access to the hottie

The nottie must be appeased.

You're saying that June is the reason

why Cristabel's still single?

Of course she is!

That, my friend,

is the whole purpose of the nottie.

Cristabel Abbott is the hottest woman in Los Angeles.

But no man will ever win her heart

without getting past that monstrosity.

And she will destroy you.

No. No. This is fate.

Fate is the reason she is still single.

Look. l came 3000 miles to get this girl

And it's going to take a lot more than a June Phigg to stop me.

l like your moxie.

Yeah? Good.

You're gonna need to see the file.

Ma!

Bring out the file!

Coming, precious.

She loves it.

The hottie and her every move.

This whole thing is about Cristabel Abbott?

You should see the website.

Now, according to my records

She has a two mile jog every morning past the Santa Monica pier.

She stops at Danny's Beachside Cafe

for a light breakfast of ice buttered mocha and fruit salad.

She'll pass the north end of the pier between 6:15 and 6:18 a.m.

Benches that face the ocean are the best ones to view her from.

"Cause if you face the other way, the sun gets in your eyes

..and you lose the whole thing.

Hey guys.

Here she comes.

Konichiwa. Good morning.

Hi guys.

l love you.

Good morning.

Oh my god, l'm so sorry.

Were you sniffing me?

Sorry.

Hey, aren't you Cristabel Abbott?

-Yeah. -l think we went to school together.

Back in the first grade.

Were you that guy who used to put Vienna sausage in his pants?

No. The guy with processed meats that was Jay Gray.

You're not that kid who used to stick pencils up his nose, are you?

No, that was my friend, Arno.

Nice guy.

lf we went to first grade together, and Arno only had one friend...

You must be Nate Cooper.

l don't want to alarm you...

but there's a really creepy albino guy

standing outside the window.

Oh, that's just my stalker, Randy.

He's completely harmless.

Randall, that better be 40 feet away.

So where were we?

Right. My job.

l work as an event planner for this charity group...

which basically means l get to throw fun parties for a good cause.

Cool.

And...l'm pregnant.

l'm not sure whose it is, unfortunately.

Oh, l'm so sorry.

l'm kidding.

No kids, no boyfriend.

No action of any kind.

Oh, good.

Or not.

So what do you do now?

Or are you still into finger painting and Smurfs.

No, no l um...

l'm a personal trainer.

You're a personal trainer.

Yeah.

Like a gym?

A lot of people mistake personal fitness

for being brought up with roid rage.

But who wants adult acne and a shrunken penis.

Not me.

No, it's a mind, body, spirit sort of lifestyle.

You are what you eat.

And whatnot.

You should check out my gym.

Actually, my roommate and l are going there this afternoon for yoga.

So do you want to come?

Absolutely.

My roommate. lt's June.

From the first grade.

Wow...June...Yeah.

June's into heath.

She's a vegan.

Everything she eats is non-fat.

Oh...how delicious.

l'm so glad we ran into each other, Nate.

Me too.

So the gym is at 6th and Ocean.

Here's my number if you forget the address.

There. Now you can't lose it.

Hey, Cooper.

Hey.

You remember June.

Oh God...

Of course.

Yes. Who could forget the lovely...June?

-Oh, Jeanette. -How are you?

-How are you? -Good to see you.

-You look beautiful. -Thank you.

Sorry.

Nice.

June and l don't get much action, so we take what we can get.

Grab a spot.

So Nate here has become a personal trainer.

Oh, yeah. But you know what?

Enough about me.

June, what do you do?

June's a handler at the zoo.

That's great.

The only downside is l'm constantly covered in hair.

Not that l don't already have enough to begin with.

June has a lot of problems with hair removal.

l have sensitive skin.

Oh.

l mean, l've tried it all...

Shaving, bumps and ingrown hairs...Nair.

Nasty chemical reaction.

The only thing l can really do is Joleen Cream---bleach.

You know what?

lf you hadn't said anything, l wouldn't have noticed.

Uh, not that l've noticed now.

l'm not focusing on that at all.

lt's natural.

Everybody has it.

Everybody deals with it.

l've got hair.

Okay everyone.

Let's begin with downward facing dog.

-Adamucha Svenasama. -Shit.

All right.

And easing into cat pose.

And arching your back.

And moving into downward facing dog.

Beautiful form, Cristabel.

Oh, that was amazing.

So, Cris, now that l'm back in town

l thought it'd be wonderful if maybe you and l could

go out to dinner...maybe.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

Yeah?

But the timing's terrible.

Nate, it probably won't come as a huge surprise to you...

But June's never had a boyfriend.

-No. -Yeah.

And all through school, l went out with any guy who asked.

l didn't know the meaning of the word "no'.

Sounds like l shouldn't have left town then.

That's why l made a promise to myself.

l'm not going to date anyone again

till June has someone special in her life.

Wow.

That is...admirable.

But that could be a very, very long time.

lt's just...the hard part is going without the sex.

Don't take it personally, Coopie.

You're a great guy.

And if things were different...

Who knows?

l gotta go.

But maybe l'll see you later.

-Yeah. l'll see you...later. -Goodbye.

She's not only smoking hot...

She's also extremely horny.

And for some unknown reason, l think she likes me.

l've got to find a guy for June.

There's somebody out there for her.

There's someone for everyone.

Boys!

Mom. Nate thinks he can fix up the nottie.

She's got fur on her toes.

Mom!

l understand she has a little problem with hair removal.

Has she tried the new lasers?

Worked great on my bikini line.

Grew back in like peach fuzz.

That's true.

But what are you going to do?

Laser her whole body?

l mean, you have any idea

what kind of radiation that would entail?

What if l tell her that she won a makeover?

Send her to a spa, pretty her up.

Somebody'll take her.

Please.

You want to flip this chick

you're gonna have to do a lot more than just mow the lawn.

l got it!

What if l pay somebody to go out with her?

Pause.

Look, you think l haven't been trying?

All right.

This isn't about a single date.

This is about somebody special in her life, okay?

And you ain't got that kind of blood money, my man.

Arno.

The history of mankind is filled with men saying

that something cannot be done.

who are frequently interrupted by someone who is already doing it.

What does that even mean?

l don't know.

l saw it on your wall back there.

That is a beautiful blouse.

Thank you. l don't even know what they're made of,

but they're wonderful.

Thanks. He's sweet.

The reason l asked you to meet me here...

-And like l said... -lt's not a date. l know.

l couldn't even think about selfish desires like that.

l am just too concerned about June.

You've really been thinking about June.

Yeah.

That's so sweet.

And l gotta tell you l am sickened by the fact

that none of these narrow minded assholes

can see how beautiful she is just

"cause they can't get past some infected toenails

and some backne, you know.

l know.

l feel the same way.

And l think l have found the perfect guy for her.

What's his name?

Who?

The guy that's perfect for June.

That guy.

His name is...

Cole Slaw...son.

Cole Slawsen.

A good friend, of a friend.

And that guy's name is Mike.

All real.

So it's the four of us.

Wouldn't you consider that a double date?

Well, we can throw them in the pit together

and hope they come out alive.

Or we could lead them into a friendship that

blossoms into a lifetime of love

lt would be a major step if we could get her laid.

Right.

The whole lifetime of love thing would just be a bonus.

lt's just that...she never has...

And l think a life without orgasms is like a world without flowers.

l couldn't agree with you more.

Yeah, l do. l do.

No. No. Go.

Ew. Gross.

Other side.

Oh yeah.

Take it.

Okay, listen.

-No. No. -Okay.

What if l were to tell you

that you could still make the $500 bucks

but all you had to do was go out on a few dates with a woman.

Does she have a vagina?

Yeah.

Actually, you're gonna have to let me know if it goes that far?

ls this woman you in a dress?

No. No. This is a real woman.

But l have to be honest.

She's not necessarily pretty.

None of my girlfriends have been pretty.

Good.

This is nice.

l'm gonna have her legs behind her head.

Get her dude.

Oh, these are shoulder blades.

l thought they were wings.

l noticed you from across the bar.

And do you know what the first thing l thought was?

Her daddy must be a baker "cause she's got such a nice set of buns?

Do you really think that all it takes

is a few hair plugs some porcelain veneers

$250 jeans...to impress a girl like Cris?

Or didn't that occur to you

while you were schlepping away your days at the Porsche dealership.

to afford a few more of those personal enhancements

Which, by the way,

will never hide that you haven't been laid by anybody

you haven't had to pay for in over a year.

So why don't you and your starry head full of doll's hair

take a little walk back to the bar, have another shot of Jager

And give my friend some space in case a real man comes by, huh?

Who told you l used to sell Porsches?

What?

What'd l tell you?

Pay our bar tab, bitch.

What did she say?

Oh god, they're here.

Oh my god, they're here.

God, l'm so nervous.

Don't be nervous.

Just do as l said.

Right.

Keep drinking.

Well that...and just be yourself.

-Okay? -Okay.

Steal yourself, Cole Slawsen.

Oh, my name's not Cole Slawsen.

Oh...right.

Like l said,

-as long as she's female. -Okay.

Oh my god, it has whiskers.

And no teeth.

Oh, no.

She has teeth.

They're just not the conventional shade.

lt's fine. lt's fine. 's fine. Come on.

Hello, ladies.

Cole Slawsen, this is Cristabel Abbott.

Hello.

And the lovely June Phigg.

Nice to meet you.

-lt speaks. -She's a woman.

l can't do this My dingus will fall off.

You were rolling down your flesh files.

l want to be released from my contract.

-ls it me? -Sorry.

l'll triple your offer, Cole.

Fine.

We are too excited to do this, girls.

Woo.

Now remember to stay focused, okay?

lf you start to panic, practice your breathing exercises.

And go into your tranquil haven.

l am a mighty warrior, fearless and strong.

l admire your commitment to excellence.

Now, where's that driver guy?

-Captain. -Captain. Okay.

l told him to be here by three.

Ahoy! Sorry l'm late, folks.

Just had to grab my keys from the rental office.

And l'm not feeling too well.

You're going to have to find yourself another skipper.

Out of my way!

-Oh, shucks. -No, no, no.

Breathe. Look at the beauty.

Drink some of this.

Okay.

What we're going to do now is what l like to call winging it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We need you for the date.

Now this is what l'm talking about.

Sun in my face, wind in my hair.

The smell of salt in the air.

lsn't this great?

Magnificent.

Okay...June, how's your toe doing?

lt's a lot better, thanks.

This guy l work with at the zoo.

He works with the gorillas.

He actually mixed up a compound for a silverback who had the same thing.

Okay, anyone want another drink?

Yes, yes.

Absolutely.

Are you okay?

Never better.

Cole has a little bit of a problem with acid reflux.

l also have irritable bowel syndrome.

And involuntary explosive diarrhea, so...

There it goes.

l think l need to be excused.

-You know what? You shouldn't go. -Yeah, l should.

You should probably stay around.

-No, l shouldn't. -There's not even a bathroom close.

No, l can't do this.

Look at her.

No, no, no.

You're not going to go.

You're not going anywhere.

You know what?

Let's play a game.

We're going to play a game.

lt's gonna be fun.

lf the two of you could go anywhere in the world on a date

Where would it be?

Home.

Okay

You know... You know what?

This is a question for me.

Nate. l'll take this one.

lf Nate could go anywhere in the world on a date.

His dream date would be...Venice.

-Venice? -Yeah.

That would be my dream date too.

Really?

Anywhere in particular?

No, nowhere really.

l just heard it was a great place to get lost in.

Well, it's a gorgeous day out and we're on this boat, so...

Let's go get some sun.

Let's do it...Cole Slawsen.

Get our tan up.

Breathe.

l got this.

l'm a mighty warrior.

Fearless and strong.

Come stop me.

Nate, good news.

l just my toenail.

You know, he's just cooling off.

The Coast Guard will pick him up eventually.

This should cheer us up.

Good idea.

More alcohol.

That'll help.

Oh...dropped it.

Completely forgot l had this.

They were giving these out to all the personal trainers in town.

Some sort of a promotion.

What is it?

Gift certificate to a chi-chi Beverly Hills spa.

Ha. Look at that.

lt's for two people.

You know what?

The two of you should really have this.

l mean, l'm never going to use it.

Nate, this is for $2,000 worth of spa treatments.

You don't say.

No, you and Cris should go together.

l don't do well with spa treatments

They tend to backfire.

That Cole was an idiot.

l saw plenty of other guys checking you out.

Stop it, Cris. Come on.

We both know the only male attention l get...

...is when they crawl over me to get to you.

What about that guy who gave you his card at the mall last week?

He was a dermatologist.

Well, he did offer to remove your mole for free.

That's cool

He could have been flirting.

l heard somewhere that 95 percent of the way others see you

is the way you see yourself.

Stop being so self conscious around guys.

What am l supposed to do?

Pretend they're all blind?

l'm just saying you could try to be more alluring and subtle.

Men like a little mystery.

Absolutely we do. Yes.

Unraveling the fairer sex is one of life's greatest riddles.

Oh yeah. l'm the mysterious type all right.

Nothing says subtle like an infected toenail in your Chapstick.

June, don't be so hard on yourself

You know what?

lt's fine.

lt's fine.

l know my place in life.

l allow your many suitors to do their...

l'm a nice guy so l'm talking to your ugly friend...

in the hopes that l might get a glimpse

of your perfect breasts routine.

Right, Nate?

She's a little drunk.

You know, June, some people think our bodies are like an Earth suit

A vessel that carries our soul

until you pass on from this planet into the next dimension.

l don't even know what that means.

Yeah, l'm sort of with her on this one.

l'm just trying to help, okay?

Great.

Well...thanks for the help.

l'm such a bad friend.

No, that's ridiculous.

You were just trying to help.

Come on.

You're absolutely wonderful to June.

l'm not.

l'm horrible.

l really made a promise to be there for her.

You've been so sweet and

l'm really becoming attracted to you.

You are?

And poor June's in there crying her eyes out.

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't worry about her.

She's not crying.

She's probably passed out by now.

l really like you, Nate.

Yeah?

And you're gonna think l'm crazy, but...

l've thought about you sometimes over the years.

Really?

l even used to look at our old class picture once in a while.

lf someone were standing here telling me that...

l would think they were crazy.

Or a pedophile.

But none of that matters now...

because l can't just abandon June like that.

Look, l have a confession to make.

When you told me you weren't dating

till June had someone in her life...

l did see her as an obstacle.

l lied about the spa promotion.

l paid for it.

To give June a stealth makeover.

That's so sneaky.

l know it's awful.

But now l really do wantto help her.

And l think l can.

But l need your help.

You know what?

l believe you.

Good.

Now stick with me.

l got a plan.

Are you guys sure this won't have any residual effects?

Define residual.

Okay.

What we're going to do here today

is a combination of aversion therapy

and do it yourself hypnosis.

Ma'am? Excuse me.

Hi. Could l um...

Are you insane?

No. Uh...

Okay.

Mmm...isn't it creamy and delicious?

What a delightful reward for your attraction to June.

No, no.

This is the good part.

l don't think l can do this.

No, no, no.

Let's not dwell in the negative, Cole Slawsen.

Your Medieval Times goblet is half full.

Huh?

Okay...get the pendant.

Your eyes are getting very heavy.

No.

l am going to count backwards from ten.

And when l finish you will only remain conscious

to the sound of my mellifluous voice.

Ten, nine, eight, seven six.

Five...

Four, three, two...

One.

You will open your eyes.

And listen very carefully.

When you see this...

what you actually will be seeing is this.

Hi, Space Lady.

Good.

When l count to four

You will wake up refreshed, but you will remember...

nothing of what happened today.

You will, however, remember my instructions

until which time you hear the phrase,

"l love ...

Midget ...mimes?

l love midget mimes.

Good.

One...

Two, three, four.

Oh, resistance is futile.

Wow, you guys look amazing.

June's going back next week to get her mole removed finally.