All language subtitles for Jann - 01x04 - Major Party Foul.aAF.English.C.updated.Addic7ed.com
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1
00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:04,450
Now up on our charity ride for kids,
2
00:00:04,451 --> 00:00:09,300
we have one of our country's
brightest and oldest stars,
3
00:00:09,361 --> 00:00:12,463
singer of the hit song "Unsensitive,"
4
00:00:12,465 --> 00:00:15,666
Jann Arden!
5
00:00:15,668 --> 00:00:18,235
- Uh, it's IN-sensitive.
- Huh?
6
00:00:18,237 --> 00:00:21,171
The song is called Insensitive.
7
00:00:23,181 --> 00:00:27,100
Well, let's see how long Jann
can stay on Bert, shall we?
8
00:00:29,582 --> 00:00:33,150
- he's been a little unpredictable lately.
- Ah!!
9
00:00:39,331 --> 00:00:42,325
Hey, Jann!
10
00:00:48,693 --> 00:00:50,945
You should be ashamed of yourself!
11
00:00:51,435 --> 00:00:53,354
- Shelley, Shelley, Shelley!
- Mechanical bulls glorify
12
00:00:53,378 --> 00:00:55,904
- the domestication of wild creatures!
- Shelley,
13
00:00:55,947 --> 00:00:59,127
- you gotta stop doing this. It's just a fun thing.
- Shame! Shame!
14
00:00:59,128 --> 00:01:00,380
Oh, my God!
15
00:01:00,409 --> 00:01:02,633
Grab a seat and I'll
get you some curly fries.
16
00:01:02,654 --> 00:01:05,397
Excuse me. This is not okay!
17
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:08,167
- I'll grab an order for you too.
- Yeah, you better!
18
00:01:08,232 --> 00:01:10,427
- And she'll take it to go!
- Yeah!
19
00:01:10,552 --> 00:01:12,385
A lunatic!
20
00:01:12,745 --> 00:01:15,292
- Frigging lunatic!
- This is outrageous.
21
00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:17,286
We could sue the stirrups
off this fundraiser.
22
00:01:17,307 --> 00:01:19,730
You know what? Screw those kids,
they can go to camp next year.
23
00:01:19,754 --> 00:01:21,664
Look at this mess.
24
00:01:22,344 --> 00:01:25,244
- Look at it.
- Well, that's just unfortunate.
25
00:01:25,369 --> 00:01:27,325
"Die children"?
26
00:01:27,748 --> 00:01:30,829
- I look like a monster!
- Your eyes look pretty in that one.
27
00:01:30,865 --> 00:01:33,154
- I'm a good person.
- The most good.
28
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:35,665
I need to be the face of a charity.
29
00:01:35,708 --> 00:01:37,702
You need to get me some
of those sad orphan dogs
30
00:01:37,725 --> 00:01:39,850
- like Sarah McLachlan.
- Something powerful
31
00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:42,285
- Yes! Yes!
- ... and uplifting. I'm on it!
32
00:01:49,672 --> 00:01:52,200
So, do you guys want to go to that
grilled cheese place for lunch?
33
00:01:52,224 --> 00:01:54,053
- Sure!
- Yeah.
34
00:01:54,090 --> 00:01:56,360
We'll just have to wait
until Maxie gets here.
35
00:01:56,406 --> 00:01:59,496
- What?
- I left my purse at her house yesterday.
36
00:01:59,510 --> 00:02:02,729
No, Gram, Mom doesn't know that
I dropped out of university!
37
00:02:02,738 --> 00:02:04,544
And she definitely doesn't
know that I suggested it.
38
00:02:04,553 --> 00:02:06,902
What did I tell you girls about lying?
39
00:02:07,105 --> 00:02:09,444
- That our boobs would fall off.
- Yeah.
40
00:02:09,461 --> 00:02:11,951
You believed it for much
longer than I thought you would.
41
00:02:11,956 --> 00:02:14,300
Oh my god, she's here! She's here!
42
00:02:14,305 --> 00:02:15,673
Okay, just follow my lead.
43
00:02:15,675 --> 00:02:18,919
I am the worst liar in the world.
She's gonna see right through.
44
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:21,622
This isn't a hickey.
45
00:02:21,747 --> 00:02:24,036
The central vac attacked me.
46
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,708
You don't have central vac.
47
00:02:25,915 --> 00:02:28,360
We don't? We should get it.
48
00:02:28,545 --> 00:02:30,262
Get into the panic room.
49
00:02:30,538 --> 00:02:31,731
The laundry room?
50
00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:33,817
- That is where I go to panic.
- Okay, okay.
51
00:02:33,942 --> 00:02:37,226
- This will not end well.
- Act normal.
52
00:02:38,322 --> 00:02:41,002
- Oh, hi, Maxie!
- Hi, Mom.
53
00:02:41,527 --> 00:02:43,531
- Here's your purse.
- Thank you.
54
00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:45,599
Thanks for dropping by! Take care.
55
00:02:46,078 --> 00:02:48,713
Okay... Just a reminder
that you're bringing Mom
56
00:02:48,731 --> 00:02:50,873
- to the birthday on Saturday.
- I know.
57
00:02:51,061 --> 00:02:52,801
- Okay.
- 75 and still alive!
58
00:02:52,815 --> 00:02:55,670
- Definitely worth celebrating. Right, Mom?
- If you say so.
59
00:02:55,795 --> 00:02:58,756
Anyway, just come after 5. Dave's
making Mock-Chicken Wellington.
60
00:02:58,793 --> 00:03:00,368
- What the hell is Mock
- Chicken Wellington?
61
00:03:00,386 --> 00:03:02,772
I have no idea. He's obsessed
with Pinterest right now.
62
00:03:02,786 --> 00:03:05,637
Anyway, he offered to help and I
could use all the help I can get.
63
00:03:05,651 --> 00:03:08,510
- I don't have time to plan a party right now.
- I'll do it.
64
00:03:08,745 --> 00:03:09,809
Yeah...
65
00:03:09,887 --> 00:03:13,545
I'm serious. 'Cause I think
you're having a breakdown.
66
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:15,101
I'm not having a breakdown.
67
00:03:15,122 --> 00:03:17,105
- You've got breakdown face.
- Okay.
68
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:19,055
- I'm a good person.
- Well...
69
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:22,303
- I'll do it at the big house.
- Okay, fine. Fine.
70
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:24,763
You do it. It'll be
me, Dave, and the girls.
71
00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:26,734
Charley can't come, she has finals.
72
00:03:27,130 --> 00:03:28,747
That is so sad.
73
00:03:28,768 --> 00:03:30,819
But we are still gonna have
a great time, right, Mom?
74
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:33,127
We are going to have the
birthday of your dreams.
75
00:03:33,148 --> 00:03:36,136
- Great. It'll probably be my last.
- Exactly!
76
00:03:36,144 --> 00:03:37,596
So let's make it count!
77
00:03:38,891 --> 00:03:40,127
Did she know?
78
00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:42,959
- She knows, doesn't she?
- Can you calm the hell down?
79
00:03:43,084 --> 00:03:44,526
I think I'm getting an ulcer.
80
00:03:45,187 --> 00:03:49,010
You and your mom are both so
annoying in such different ways.
81
00:03:49,135 --> 00:03:51,686
First things first:
we got a party to plan.
82
00:03:55,003 --> 00:03:57,442
Oh, my lord. Okay.
83
00:03:57,567 --> 00:04:00,105
We got decorations, we got supplies...
84
00:04:00,135 --> 00:04:04,304
I'm just waiting for
confirmation on the gift bags,
85
00:04:04,329 --> 00:04:07,396
the catering and the
Cirque Du Soleil guy.
86
00:04:07,405 --> 00:04:09,785
I just want to celebrate with family.
87
00:04:09,823 --> 00:04:14,316
- That is boring, Mom!
- Oh, well, you could invite Cynthia.
88
00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:15,854
I haven't seen her in such a long time.
89
00:04:15,858 --> 00:04:17,458
You'd think the two
of you had broken up!
90
00:04:17,521 --> 00:04:19,466
You know, she is busy with work
91
00:04:19,483 --> 00:04:21,778
and whatnot. I will reach out to her
92
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,998
and see if she's available,
but no promises, alright?
93
00:04:24,123 --> 00:04:26,553
What a tangled web you weave.
94
00:04:26,611 --> 00:04:27,872
Zip it!
95
00:04:30,823 --> 00:04:32,030
Hey, Todd.
96
00:04:32,427 --> 00:04:34,380
I got you your sad orphan dogs!
97
00:04:34,410 --> 00:04:35,879
Oh, good! Tell me about it.
98
00:04:35,904 --> 00:04:39,170
It's a rare illness that desperately
needs funding to find a cure.
99
00:04:39,295 --> 00:04:42,089
They want to use your face and
music for an awareness campaign.
100
00:04:42,136 --> 00:04:44,035
Sounds... great...
101
00:04:44,976 --> 00:04:46,541
But I should tell you...
102
00:04:46,571 --> 00:04:48,343
Could you just call me back?
103
00:04:48,394 --> 00:04:51,668
- Because, we'll fill in the gaps later. Bye!
- Jann!
104
00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:54,466
Ja...
105
00:04:55,302 --> 00:04:58,155
Okay, I've successfully
booked the animal balloon guy.
106
00:04:58,218 --> 00:04:59,889
The girls are gonna love that.
107
00:04:59,890 --> 00:05:02,853
I have this one last thing I need to do.
108
00:05:03,869 --> 00:05:05,317
Ahem!
109
00:05:08,958 --> 00:05:11,052
- Hi, Jann.
- Hey, Cynthia!
110
00:05:11,136 --> 00:05:14,242
How are you? I hope you're well.
111
00:05:14,288 --> 00:05:18,124
How are you doing... little lady?
112
00:05:18,146 --> 00:05:21,948
Uh... yeah. I might be living
my best life, to be honest.
113
00:05:24,294 --> 00:05:27,594
Great! It's so nice to hear your voice.
114
00:05:29,890 --> 00:05:30,928
So what's up?
115
00:05:30,975 --> 00:05:35,263
Um, I'm hosting my mom's
75th birthday tomorrow
116
00:05:35,757 --> 00:05:37,238
at my house and...
117
00:05:37,247 --> 00:05:38,567
she specifically asked for you to come.
118
00:05:38,584 --> 00:05:40,938
She was very specific about it.
119
00:05:41,165 --> 00:05:42,533
Specifically.
120
00:05:42,697 --> 00:05:44,646
Oh... that's sweet of Nora,
121
00:05:44,651 --> 00:05:47,524
- but I don't know if it's a good idea.
- That's fair.
122
00:05:47,794 --> 00:05:51,726
But it would mean a lot to
m... Mom if you could come.
123
00:05:52,131 --> 00:05:54,613
Okay. I'll pop by for a bit.
124
00:05:54,874 --> 00:05:56,064
Great.
125
00:05:56,246 --> 00:05:57,997
- I'll see you then.
- Great.
126
00:05:59,005 --> 00:06:01,761
Okay, byeeeeeee. Bye. Bye.
127
00:06:03,036 --> 00:06:06,733
So, decorations are done.
Gram's taking a nap...
128
00:06:08,058 --> 00:06:10,662
- Gotcha!
- Do you need me to do anything else?
129
00:06:10,674 --> 00:06:14,468
Nope. I can take care of this on my own.
130
00:06:15,119 --> 00:06:17,675
- "Okay, byeeeeeee"!
- Zip it!
131
00:06:29,895 --> 00:06:31,313
This is bear spray!
132
00:06:31,385 --> 00:06:32,626
Hello, Mercer.
133
00:06:32,706 --> 00:06:34,807
- Who told you where I was?
- You did!
134
00:06:35,238 --> 00:06:37,018
Your photos are Geo-tagged.
135
00:06:40,549 --> 00:06:42,359
Okay, I need a favour.
136
00:06:42,562 --> 00:06:44,009
I'm kind of busy here, Jann.
137
00:06:44,022 --> 00:06:46,014
You know what, I was
busy for 15 years too,
138
00:06:46,035 --> 00:06:49,930
but that did not stop me from
repeatedly saving your show.
139
00:06:50,055 --> 00:06:53,833
- What do you want?
- Okay, my mom is having a 75th birthday party
140
00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:56,086
and I need you to roast her.
141
00:06:56,314 --> 00:06:59,260
That doesn't even make any
sense. I don't do roasts.
142
00:06:59,450 --> 00:07:00,931
Well, you do now.
143
00:07:01,914 --> 00:07:03,327
Okay, you wouldn't do that.
144
00:07:03,826 --> 00:07:06,185
- Try me.
- What's on that memory stick...
145
00:07:06,244 --> 00:07:08,565
you don't want that made
public any more than I do.
146
00:07:08,590 --> 00:07:10,672
I'm barely featured on this
thing. You, on the other hand,
147
00:07:10,696 --> 00:07:13,330
were always attracted to the
spotlight, even back then.
148
00:07:14,666 --> 00:07:16,919
Okay. I'll come to your party.
149
00:07:17,223 --> 00:07:19,048
I'll say some nice
things, I'll do some jokes.
150
00:07:19,049 --> 00:07:21,400
Ten minutes, okay? Then I get that back.
151
00:07:21,438 --> 00:07:23,028
You know what? Tight five.
152
00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:25,497
And then we will see,
Mercer. We will see.
153
00:07:27,392 --> 00:07:30,725
Anyway, thank you so much for
doing this. I really appreciate.
154
00:07:30,734 --> 00:07:32,164
My mom's gonna love it.
155
00:07:32,289 --> 00:07:34,278
Don't bring anything, just yourself.
156
00:07:34,341 --> 00:07:35,560
I'll bring flowers.
157
00:07:35,577 --> 00:07:37,230
And a restraining order.
158
00:07:38,261 --> 00:07:40,198
I'm a show-er, not a grow-er!
159
00:07:40,882 --> 00:07:42,452
Is this north?
160
00:07:49,247 --> 00:07:51,952
- I love this place!
- Hello!
161
00:07:52,019 --> 00:07:54,981
- Where is the birthday girl?
- Hi, hi.
162
00:07:55,567 --> 00:07:58,014
- What is all this?
- What do you mean?
163
00:07:58,139 --> 00:08:00,449
I thought we were just having
a little private family dinner.
164
00:08:00,470 --> 00:08:02,905
- You guys are kind of early.
- This looks like a Vegas after party.
165
00:08:02,922 --> 00:08:05,678
- I had the best time filling up helium balloons today.
- That's a...
166
00:08:05,876 --> 00:08:06,974
big pineapple.
167
00:08:06,995 --> 00:08:10,147
I love it. I got everything so
cheap, like at a dollar store.
168
00:08:10,164 --> 00:08:12,924
- Okay.
- Anyway, I just thought I'd kick it up a notch.
169
00:08:12,945 --> 00:08:17,089
It looks fantastic. Do
not eat a that candy!
170
00:08:17,156 --> 00:08:18,341
Jann, what is the theme
171
00:08:18,346 --> 00:08:20,769
- of this party, exactly?
- Okay, is that not obvious to you, Dave?
172
00:08:20,793 --> 00:08:22,270
- Sure isn't.
- No, not really.
173
00:08:22,287 --> 00:08:24,215
Okay, anyway...
174
00:08:24,228 --> 00:08:27,401
This is crazy. You've gone so
over the top. Where is our mother?
175
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:30,014
Oh god, she's around here
somewhere. She's probably with...
176
00:08:30,139 --> 00:08:31,566
she's probably with Charley. Did I
177
00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:33,486
- forget to tell you at Charley was here?
- Charley?
178
00:08:33,503 --> 00:08:34,946
But I thought she had finals.
179
00:08:34,967 --> 00:08:36,125
God, I love this cake so much.
180
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:37,706
Did you make this at
home? What a great picture.
181
00:08:37,719 --> 00:08:39,943
Why don't you set that on the
cake table right over there?
182
00:08:39,951 --> 00:08:41,778
- Okay...
- So cute. On the cake table.
183
00:08:41,816 --> 00:08:42,931
Okay!
184
00:08:43,353 --> 00:08:44,965
Hey, no, no, no, no, no!
185
00:08:44,973 --> 00:08:47,455
- I just had this right.
- Is that cake?
186
00:08:47,502 --> 00:08:50,351
No, baby, that's ego. Don't touch it.
187
00:08:50,586 --> 00:08:52,856
- Wow.
- Yeah, wow.
188
00:08:53,594 --> 00:08:54,919
- Hi.
- Hey.
189
00:08:54,949 --> 00:08:58,054
- Is Rick Mercer here yet?
- Yes, he is!
190
00:08:58,092 --> 00:09:00,907
How often does your dog
take antidepressants?
191
00:09:01,032 --> 00:09:02,780
- Once a day.
- Every day?
192
00:09:02,801 --> 00:09:05,038
Every day. Sometimes twice a day.
193
00:09:05,088 --> 00:09:06,287
I can see that.
194
00:09:06,312 --> 00:09:07,928
Your eyes are creeping me out.
195
00:09:08,127 --> 00:09:09,604
What? No.
196
00:09:09,625 --> 00:09:12,427
I mean yeah, I'm a
fan, but I'm not crazy.
197
00:09:15,576 --> 00:09:17,681
- What's going on?
- Nothing, I just think
198
00:09:17,702 --> 00:09:19,969
that Rick is the greatest
political satirist to ever live
199
00:09:19,989 --> 00:09:22,241
and that he has the face of
valiant, distinguished cherub.
200
00:09:22,263 --> 00:09:24,604
Holy Moly! You need to have a drink.
201
00:09:25,686 --> 00:09:28,899
- I'll tone it down.
- Honestly, you're kind of embarrassing me.
202
00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:30,223
Get it together.
203
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:34,536
Listen, Rick being here is
a huge opportunity for you.
204
00:09:34,553 --> 00:09:36,042
He has 2 million followers
205
00:09:36,055 --> 00:09:37,934
and if you can live stream
with him for a full minute,
206
00:09:37,958 --> 00:09:39,827
you'll see a 6% bump in YOUR followers.
207
00:09:39,844 --> 00:09:42,292
So you want me to
exploit my friend's fame
208
00:09:42,313 --> 00:09:44,372
to make myself seem more relevant?
209
00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:46,934
- Bingo.
- Done. How does live streaming work?
210
00:09:46,955 --> 00:09:48,310
You just leave it to me.
211
00:09:48,812 --> 00:09:50,967
Great.
212
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,393
So great.
213
00:09:53,518 --> 00:09:55,815
What exactly is the theme of this party?
214
00:09:55,863 --> 00:09:58,131
Why does everybody keep asking me that?
215
00:09:58,173 --> 00:10:02,198
Babe, are these hats
supposed to look like...
216
00:10:02,424 --> 00:10:05,104
- I think they're supposed to be ducks?
- Ducks?
217
00:10:05,135 --> 00:10:06,702
The man called them dicks.
218
00:10:06,998 --> 00:10:08,759
Is a dick a boy duck?
219
00:10:09,129 --> 00:10:10,843
It's um... You know what?
220
00:10:10,865 --> 00:10:13,428
You guys should go and
find something to eat.
221
00:10:13,460 --> 00:10:14,747
Focus on something nutritional.
222
00:10:14,752 --> 00:10:16,809
- Things that grow out of the ground.
- Come on, girls, let's go.
223
00:10:16,830 --> 00:10:18,866
Okay. I'll hold your
dicks... ducks. Ducks.
224
00:10:18,991 --> 00:10:20,833
- Can you hold my duck?
- Okay.
225
00:10:25,412 --> 00:10:28,487
- Hi, Mom!
- My Char-Char!
226
00:10:29,885 --> 00:10:31,283
So,
227
00:10:31,473 --> 00:10:33,551
- all done with finals?
- Mm-hmm.
228
00:10:33,577 --> 00:10:35,846
- I bet you aced 'em.
- Mmm.
229
00:10:36,072 --> 00:10:38,314
This party's a little
bit much, don't you think?
230
00:10:38,378 --> 00:10:41,837
- Yeah, it cost a fortune.
- How do you know how much it cost?
231
00:10:41,962 --> 00:10:43,500
Guess?
232
00:10:43,848 --> 00:10:47,035
I mean, the sheer amount
of guacamole here...
233
00:10:47,251 --> 00:10:49,118
Why didn't you tell me
you were gonna be here?
234
00:10:49,140 --> 00:10:51,735
- I would've picked you up.
- Oh, I mean... I was going to,
235
00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:55,659
but then I dropped my phone
down this deep, deep well
236
00:10:55,701 --> 00:10:58,718
and it took me three hours
237
00:10:58,765 --> 00:11:01,366
to fish it out with my shoelace.
238
00:11:03,049 --> 00:11:05,496
What? What?!
239
00:11:05,675 --> 00:11:07,616
Please stop staring at me like that.
240
00:11:07,664 --> 00:11:09,732
Are your boobs tingling at all?
241
00:11:09,922 --> 00:11:12,279
- Be careful, they might fall off.
- What?
242
00:11:16,346 --> 00:11:17,897
Hello?
243
00:11:24,849 --> 00:11:26,404
Oh my god.
244
00:11:28,868 --> 00:11:30,314
Thank you.
245
00:11:33,446 --> 00:11:35,108
Oh no, thank you.
246
00:11:35,583 --> 00:11:37,371
No, really, I'm good.
247
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,016
I'm claustrophobic!
248
00:11:39,090 --> 00:11:41,011
- Cynthia? Hi!
- Hi.
249
00:11:41,084 --> 00:11:44,354
- What are you doing here?
- Jann asked me to swing by.
250
00:11:44,417 --> 00:11:46,818
Maybe we shouldn't talk in front of... ?
251
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:51,027
Oh no, he's a mime, he literally
can't speak, that's his whole... vibe.
252
00:11:51,058 --> 00:11:53,917
I really wanted to wish
your mom a happy birthday.
253
00:11:53,933 --> 00:11:55,338
And I won't tell Jann that you and I
254
00:11:55,362 --> 00:11:57,245
have been hanging out at the spa
together. I can keep a secret.
255
00:11:57,266 --> 00:11:59,376
- Yes.
- Okay.
256
00:11:59,450 --> 00:12:01,132
Seriously, go away.
257
00:12:02,367 --> 00:12:03,649
It's really nice that you came.
258
00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:05,716
My mom is gonna be so happy to see you.
259
00:12:05,737 --> 00:12:07,473
Thank you.
260
00:12:07,826 --> 00:12:09,440
- Right.
- Okay.
261
00:12:09,565 --> 00:12:11,519
Okay, you go.
262
00:12:22,548 --> 00:12:24,135
Cale, you want me to
take a picture of you two?
263
00:12:24,136 --> 00:12:26,135
No. No, I do not.
264
00:12:26,731 --> 00:12:28,502
I just thought you should know
265
00:12:28,571 --> 00:12:30,053
I closed a deal today.
266
00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:33,413
Jann's the new face of Hyperhidrosis.
267
00:12:33,983 --> 00:12:37,020
She's going to make a huge difference
in the lives of sick people.
268
00:12:37,616 --> 00:12:39,674
Cool, I guess.
269
00:12:41,019 --> 00:12:43,498
Not as cool as your
flour bomb stunt, though.
270
00:12:44,173 --> 00:12:46,610
Are you... being sincere?
271
00:12:46,631 --> 00:12:50,124
- It's almost impossible to tell.
- Yes. This is me sincere.
272
00:12:51,755 --> 00:12:53,726
I actually wish I had
thought of that myself.
273
00:12:53,851 --> 00:12:55,340
Now when you Google "flour bomb"
274
00:12:55,351 --> 00:12:57,323
you get Kardashians, Jenners, and JANN!
275
00:12:57,448 --> 00:12:59,343
That's the kind of
status we're looking for.
276
00:12:59,468 --> 00:13:01,047
Great work, Todd.
277
00:13:02,487 --> 00:13:03,701
Thank you, Cale.
278
00:13:03,743 --> 00:13:05,822
And actually, yes, you can
take a picture of me and Rick.
279
00:13:05,832 --> 00:13:07,451
Just take like a thousand.
280
00:13:11,554 --> 00:13:14,487
I've never seen you smile
before. It looks weird.
281
00:13:14,612 --> 00:13:16,345
Here's your present, Mom.
282
00:13:16,355 --> 00:13:19,362
- Rick Mercer!
- Hello, Nora.
283
00:13:19,441 --> 00:13:20,886
Happy birthday.
284
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:23,502
- Thank you.
- Wow, you look the same age.
285
00:13:23,544 --> 00:13:27,770
- Oh, Rick!
- Come with me. Beer, wine, vodka?
286
00:13:29,859 --> 00:13:31,789
- Hi.
- Hi.
287
00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:33,910
This is such a cute cake.
288
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:36,083
It's so thoughtful. So
much work went into this.
289
00:13:36,104 --> 00:13:37,233
No, this isn't cake.
290
00:13:37,265 --> 00:13:39,702
I don't know where the hell
this came from. Excuse me,
291
00:13:39,734 --> 00:13:41,448
you mind throwing this in the garage?
292
00:13:41,475 --> 00:13:43,510
- That's not the cake?
- No, this is the cake.
293
00:13:43,635 --> 00:13:45,503
Oh, I didn't realise that was a cake.
294
00:13:46,970 --> 00:13:48,600
Love the polish.
295
00:13:48,626 --> 00:13:50,293
I always loved you in red.
296
00:13:50,778 --> 00:13:53,067
- This is a really great party.
- Thank you.
297
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:56,343
- It's good to see you.
- Oh my god, is that a cake?
298
00:13:56,527 --> 00:13:59,417
You're kinda drunk. Hand it over.
299
00:14:00,108 --> 00:14:02,513
So when does Rick start
the roast of your mom?
300
00:14:02,524 --> 00:14:04,797
- He's the only reason why I'm here.
- Okay, soon.
301
00:14:04,813 --> 00:14:07,091
How exactly did you get Rick to perform
302
00:14:07,112 --> 00:14:08,652
at an elderly woman's birthday party?
303
00:14:08,716 --> 00:14:11,822
Rick and I go way back. We
have a very long history.
304
00:14:11,865 --> 00:14:14,127
- Like what?
- Like things Rick doesn't want you to know,
305
00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:16,469
- if you know what I mean.
- I don't.
306
00:14:16,506 --> 00:14:19,455
Okay. On here, there may
or may not be a sex tape
307
00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:22,182
that Rick and I had the
misfortune of making.
308
00:14:23,178 --> 00:14:25,795
I absolutely cannot imagine
what that must have looked like.
309
00:14:25,837 --> 00:14:27,625
It was before I
discovered the elliptical
310
00:14:27,641 --> 00:14:30,468
and my arse may have
looked like a bag of apples.
311
00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:32,188
Now the picture's coming into focus.
312
00:14:32,225 --> 00:14:35,035
So you're blackmailing Rick Mercer
313
00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:37,166
into performing at
your mother's birthday?
314
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,991
I like it. Just a heads
up, though, if you hurt him
315
00:14:41,012 --> 00:14:44,330
- in ANY way, I will fight you in the street.
- Noted.
316
00:14:44,652 --> 00:14:46,757
Gimme your phone. Phone!
317
00:14:46,825 --> 00:14:50,591
You gotta start the live stream
now, before Rick starts to perform.
318
00:14:51,008 --> 00:14:55,122
- Oh, that's it.
- Yeah. Just aim it at Rick when he speaks.
319
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,792
Right, okay.
320
00:14:57,917 --> 00:15:00,687
- Sorry.
- No, you're busy.
321
00:15:00,714 --> 00:15:03,282
Uh, where were we?
322
00:15:03,407 --> 00:15:05,566
I think you are wearing the perfume
323
00:15:05,587 --> 00:15:07,629
that I bought you on our trip to Greece.
324
00:15:08,088 --> 00:15:10,330
- It's still my favourite.
- Hey!
325
00:15:10,455 --> 00:15:13,004
Your new charity sent a mock
of the first PSA they're doing,
326
00:15:13,019 --> 00:15:14,713
starring YOU.
327
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,506
Cynthia, you have to see this.
328
00:15:16,517 --> 00:15:20,008
I am the face of a new charity
that is going to be helping...
329
00:15:20,298 --> 00:15:22,857
- sick people.
- Wonderful!
330
00:15:24,265 --> 00:15:26,006
Alright.
331
00:15:26,591 --> 00:15:28,168
- _
- Hyper what?
332
00:15:29,023 --> 00:15:31,587
_
333
00:15:32,046 --> 00:15:33,591
Okay...
334
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:36,128
_
335
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:39,404
_
336
00:15:39,425 --> 00:15:42,426
Oh my god! What kind of
sick people am I helping?
337
00:15:42,990 --> 00:15:45,697
Hyperhidrosis is an
excessive sweating disorder.
338
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,965
It affects 3% of the
population, maybe more.
339
00:15:48,002 --> 00:15:51,404
The numbers might be skewed,
there's just so much shame attached.
340
00:15:51,431 --> 00:15:52,686
Okay, gimme a break.
341
00:15:52,728 --> 00:15:54,901
They can destroy a beautiful
pair of leather shoes
342
00:15:54,917 --> 00:15:57,122
- in a matter of days.
- Ew!
343
00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:58,873
- _
- Okay!
344
00:15:58,899 --> 00:16:02,644
My god, I don't want my face
connected to drippy armpits!
345
00:16:02,665 --> 00:16:06,241
- Jann!
- We're here to wish Nora a happy birthday.
346
00:16:06,262 --> 00:16:08,604
Not now, Mercer! Read the room!
347
00:16:12,502 --> 00:16:14,923
I'm really sorry about that outburst.
348
00:16:16,455 --> 00:16:18,552
Things are a little bit tense right now.
349
00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:20,462
- Sorry about my aunt.
- That's okay.
350
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,400
I'm sorry about your
aunt too. It's all good.
351
00:16:23,458 --> 00:16:26,328
- Oh!
- How are you feeling about tonight?
352
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:27,747
You know, I have to hand it to Jann,
353
00:16:27,757 --> 00:16:29,392
I think she really pulled
it off. This party's great.
354
00:16:29,403 --> 00:16:31,681
Damn straight. You know
that there's a burrito bar?
355
00:16:31,739 --> 00:16:33,928
- How many have you had?
- Like five.
356
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,906
- Do I have to cut you off?
- No, please don.
357
00:16:35,943 --> 00:16:37,773
Get out of here so I
can take sneaky pictures
358
00:16:37,784 --> 00:16:39,572
of our daughter with a TV star.
359
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,030
- You gonna tag me in those?
- Yes.
360
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:45,701
Jann tells me you dropped out of
college? Why would you do that?
361
00:16:45,826 --> 00:16:48,882
I mean, school isn't for the
creative types like us, right?
362
00:16:48,888 --> 00:16:51,592
No, that's not true. That sounds
like something Jann would say.
363
00:16:51,608 --> 00:16:54,071
Well, yeah. When she said
dropping out of university
364
00:16:54,082 --> 00:16:57,352
was the right thing to do, I was
like, "Bye, further education!"
365
00:16:57,541 --> 00:16:58,887
Jann!
366
00:16:58,939 --> 00:17:01,750
You convinced your niece
to drop out of college?!
367
00:17:03,211 --> 00:17:04,825
I'm sorry, WHAT!?
368
00:17:05,485 --> 00:17:07,814
- They didn't know?
- No!
369
00:17:08,302 --> 00:17:10,069
Thank you.
370
00:17:13,498 --> 00:17:15,434
- What part did you hear?
- All of it.
371
00:17:15,455 --> 00:17:16,753
Every bit.
372
00:17:16,810 --> 00:17:19,986
- You've been lying to me?
- I'm not lying to you.
373
00:17:20,007 --> 00:17:22,613
Stop embarrassing yourself.
374
00:17:22,661 --> 00:17:25,467
- Why are my palms so sweaty?
- Maybe you have Hyperhidrosis!
375
00:17:25,525 --> 00:17:26,801
That's not it.
376
00:17:27,055 --> 00:17:29,502
I can't believe you convinced my
daughter to drop out of school!
377
00:17:29,518 --> 00:17:31,475
Okay, I can explain everything.
378
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,671
You've been lying to me? How
long has this been going on?
379
00:17:33,695 --> 00:17:37,292
We probably should've told
you a lot sooner. Oh, hey,
380
00:17:37,318 --> 00:17:40,415
- nice nail polish, Max.
- Stop changing the subject.
381
00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:44,423
What are the odds that you and
Cynthia have identical manicures?
382
00:17:44,465 --> 00:17:47,815
In "Dragon's Breath", my
favourite colour of polish?!
383
00:17:47,836 --> 00:17:51,870
- It's a coincidence.
- Hm-hm. She's lying. Her too.
384
00:17:51,897 --> 00:17:54,401
Been secretly hanging
out at a spa together.
385
00:17:54,526 --> 00:17:55,799
What?!
386
00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:58,716
How long have you two been lying to ME?
387
00:18:00,072 --> 00:18:02,240
Okay, as I was saying,
388
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:05,291
- this is beautiful Nora...
- SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, MERCER!
389
00:18:05,948 --> 00:18:08,100
Not the time!
390
00:18:08,564 --> 00:18:11,667
No one gives a crap! Honestly!
391
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,329
Please!
392
00:18:14,263 --> 00:18:15,772
Okay.
393
00:18:16,231 --> 00:18:17,618
_
394
00:18:17,634 --> 00:18:19,281
- _
- Excuse me. Coming through.
395
00:18:19,406 --> 00:18:21,896
This has been live
streaming this whole time,
396
00:18:22,021 --> 00:18:23,816
so you need to clear your day tomorrow
397
00:18:23,832 --> 00:18:27,065
'cause we have a lot of
damage control to attend to.
398
00:18:43,585 --> 00:18:46,228
Okay, everybody get out.
399
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:48,948
Okay, bye-bye!
400
00:18:49,574 --> 00:18:53,365
- This better be the last copy.
- I love you.
401
00:19:01,936 --> 00:19:03,992
I'm sorry, Mom.
402
00:19:03,993 --> 00:19:06,394
I just wanted to give
you a birthday that
403
00:19:06,519 --> 00:19:09,862
you'd just remember and cherish.
404
00:19:11,828 --> 00:19:13,824
You should sing to her.
405
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:16,496
Would you like that, Mom?
406
00:19:17,230 --> 00:19:19,621
Max, will you sing Mom's song with me?
407
00:19:20,083 --> 00:19:22,694
Okay. You start.
408
00:19:25,654 --> 00:19:28,424
You'll remember this, Mom.
409
00:19:31,054 --> 00:19:35,689
♪ We have been together ♪
410
00:19:35,814 --> 00:19:39,760
♪ A long, long time ♪
411
00:19:40,450 --> 00:19:45,322
♪ We have been inseparable ♪
412
00:19:45,371 --> 00:19:49,055
♪ Mother mine ♪
413
00:19:49,888 --> 00:19:53,259
♪ You're my heart ♪
414
00:19:53,309 --> 00:19:58,712
♪ And that's never gonna change ♪
415
00:19:59,103 --> 00:20:04,138
♪ You're the brightest part of me ♪
416
00:20:04,146 --> 00:20:08,695
♪ Every single ♪
417
00:20:08,820 --> 00:20:11,514
♪ Day ♪
418
00:20:13,047 --> 00:20:16,035
- Happy birthday, Mom.
- Oh, thank you.
419
00:20:16,088 --> 00:20:18,686
Thank you both.
420
00:20:20,407 --> 00:20:21,896
When I said I didn't
believe in psychics,
421
00:20:21,905 --> 00:20:23,550
I didn't realise you were a psychic.
422
00:20:23,563 --> 00:20:24,803
I mean, I believe in psychics,
423
00:20:24,812 --> 00:20:26,993
I believe you're here and
that you are a psychic,
424
00:20:27,019 --> 00:20:29,606
but I just never asked them anything.
425
00:20:30,985 --> 00:20:32,289
How long do I have?
426
00:20:32,319 --> 00:20:35,915
I always felt bad about mimes
because people felt that it was okay
427
00:20:35,927 --> 00:20:37,413
to discriminate against you,
428
00:20:37,620 --> 00:20:39,295
but I'm getting that now.
429
00:20:39,345 --> 00:20:42,451
Wow. What kind of roadkill
do you get around here?
430
00:20:43,008 --> 00:20:46,363
- Coyote, elk, horses.
- Horses?
431
00:20:46,405 --> 00:20:49,259
Trust me, she's a friend of mine.
You now know where she lives.
432
00:20:49,296 --> 00:20:51,543
Every time you drive
by, knock on the door,
433
00:20:51,571 --> 00:20:53,543
ask her if she needs a mariachi band.
434
00:20:55,166 --> 00:21:00,166
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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