Original subtitles

Linda? I'm in here, hon.

That's a pretty sight.

I hope I'm not interrupting you.

No, not at all.

They're your groceries, too.

Give me a hand putting them away, will you, hon?

Give me one of my cigarettes, will you, hon?

Mind if I smoke?

While you're eating?

No, not at all.

I'm gonna slide up and down the banister.

In case he wants a warm supper.

The end break from the Monday.

Think it's time to act a fool.

Trying to ease my pain now.

Without losing my cool.

The devil told me a secret.

Just skipping school.

You're a back gate to heaven.

If you know the rules, you're in trouble.

See you next week.

The devil told me a secret just for skipping school.

You're a back gate to heaven if you know the rule.

You're in trouble.

I think I'm seeing double.

Be the next I'm beaten.

Boy, that's good.

Why don't you take a dip? It'll cool you off.

No, maybe later.

Got any more lotion?

No.

No. Suntan oil.

Oh, here.

Oh. You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. What makes you say that? You. The way you're acting.

You've been moping around all day.

It's us. Me.

The way we live.

What the hell's wrong with the way we live?

Between my alimony checks and your old man's allowance, we'd do all right.

Who's got it better?

All right, what are you doing?

I don't know.

Dinner.

Probably go to the dogs.

With who? You know.

What's his name?

There, that's it.

I'll never forget what's his name. Look, Helen, there's got to be more to life

than just screwing around.

You sound like you're ready to settle down. You know, the house, the kids, all

that. I mean, though, I've been through that thing.

That's just it.

I can't get married.

You mean?

I know of a new half a dozen guys that would just jump at the chance to marry

you. It wouldn't work.

I'd be miserable, and I'd make him whoever is miserable, too.

Why?

That.

That? No.

I don't enjoy it.

What do you mean you don't enjoy it? All right, that's not altogether right.

It makes me feel sort of tingly all over.

And then... And then what?

Nothing. I mean, there should be more to sex than a lot of little tingles. There

should be bells ringing, dams bursting, bombs going off, something.

Do you want to get off or do you want to wreck a city? Anne, please, be serious.

Sorry, love.

You mean you've never gotten off? No.

Never? Never.

Oh, what the hell, honey?

Different strokes for different folks.

Maybe you're not doing it right.

What do you mean I'm not doing it right?

I mean, how many ways are there?

It's not funny to just bam, bam, thank you, bam.

You've got to find what's right for you.

Experiment. What do you say we get a bunch of guys up here?

Someone's got to get your bills written, okay?

Okay. The way I feel, I'll try anything.

Hello. How are you?

Well, I know you.

Good. You're not late or anything, are you? No, you're just in time.

You'll have number 11.

I'm here.

You'll have 12.

Have a drink, sit down, relax.

Wait until your number's called.

What are we doing, holding a raffle here?

I never won anything anyway.

Don't worry, honey. Everybody gets a little piece of this action.

Of course.

No!

Rob me, baby. Rob me, baby. Rob me, baby.

He's number 11, man.

Come with me. You're next.

I can't handle it, man. You should have been here two minutes ago.

How about you?

Anybody left?

Seth, what's a nice joint like you doing in a girl like this?

How did you get in here?

Well, listen, honey.

You called me. I didn't call you.

Well, some days nothing seems to go right.

Well, what now?

I don't know. How many weapons?

Fourteen.

That's terrible English.

All right. Look,

this was your idea.

What am I going to do?

You didn't get off once?

Sure I did, a hundred times.

And it was great, but so what?

Not real. You know, like bells ringing and dams bursting and bombs going off.

There you go again.

You want to get off or do you want to destroy us?

Please, don't be serious.

What can I do?

We don't know anything.

How about... what?

Dr. Young.

A doctor? A psychiatrist.

A real cool little corny little girl.

She might be able to do the trick.

I don't understand.

Well, you might have a number block.

Or something.

Hang on.

A block where you want to do something and your brain says, like, you know, you

can't do that because there's a little cat in it.

Well, it's really quite common.

Perhaps you had a traumatic experience as a child.

No, I don't think so.

Nothing unpleasant that could have possibly turned you off to sex when you

younger? You're getting me all wet. Please stop it. Oh, I'm sorry. Nurse!

Nurse, Miss Lovelace is done with her bubbles.

Nothing turns you off to sex.

Listen, Doctor, please.

I'm not turned off to sex.

I enjoy it. In fact, I could spend the rest of my life getting laid.

Well, then what's the problem?

I don't know.

Something's missing.

Something's missing?

Yes.

There should be more to it than a lot of little tingles. Tingles?

I want to hear bells.

Bombs. Bombs? And dams bursting.

Rockets red glare.

Bombs bursting in air.

A truth to the night that our flag was still there.

Be serious.

Nurse?

Nurse! Take that away.

Yes, your problem.

You say that you want more out of sex than just a lot of little tingles.

Yes, I want to hear it. Well, since Bob... Yes, we just went through that,

Lovelace. Let's not do that one again.

You know, I think your problem might be physical instead of psychological.

Have you ever had an internal examination?

No, I haven't.

Step into my examination room. I want to take a look at you.

We'll have a look at you.

Oh, Miss Lovelace, those will have to go.

Nurse, sterilization, please.

That's amazing.

You tell me somebody forgot his watch. No, no, no.

It's truly amazing.

Miss Lovelace, you don't have one.

Well, I'm a woman. I'm not supposed to have one.

No, I don't mean one of those.

I mean, well, you don't have a clitoris. There's no clitoris here.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. Here, take a look.

Well, I'll be damned.

No wonder you hear no bells. You have no tinkler.

That's not funny.

Oh, now, now, Miss Lovelace, please.

Try to compose yourself.

Tell me something.

When you get laid, well, that is, when you have sexual intercourse, what

you the most?

Giving head.

Really? Giving head? What do you feel?

Where? You'll laugh.

No, no, Miss Lovelace, I will laugh.

I get excited here.

Oh, come, Miss Lovelace, let me have a look at that.

Open your mouth.

Open your mouth wider.

Wider, huh?

it is. You little bugger. There it is.

What?

Your glitter is deep down in the bottom of your throat.

Now, now, Miss Lovelace.

Listen, having your glitter is deep down in the bottom of your throat is better

than having no glitter is at all.

It's easy for you to say.

Suppose your balls were in your ear.

Then I could hear myself coming.

We have the problem solved. All we have to do now is find a solution.

Like what?

Like deep throat.

Deep what?

Throat. Have you ever taken a penis all the way down to the bottom of your

throat?

Now, I hear it's a matter of discipline.

You have to learn to relax the muscles.

You have to regulate your breathing to the movement of your head.

You make it sound so easy.

Well, it is.

Try it.

You'll like it.

Well, what have I got to lose?

Come, you try it with me.

Now I'm gonna tell you the way it has to

be. And if you pay attention,

I'm sure that you will see.

Just relax your mind, and once you've

hit that spot,

keep going.

pushing and give it all you've got now

we found your tinkler the solution is quite

clear for if we both canna hit it now

Oh, Dr.

Young, how could I ever repay you? You've saved my life. I'm a fulfilled

I've heard the bells at last.

Oh, Dr.

Young, marry me. I want to be your slave.

Linda, I can't marry you.

What do you mean you can't marry me?

Oh, my nurse, she won't let me die. How much of a deep throat do you think I can

take?

Oh, no.

You're not getting off that easy.

You've shown me the way, and now you want to throw me out on the street?

To go from one man to another?

What, are you crazy?

It's all your fault.

Don't you understand? I need it. I need love.

No, listen, I'm not throwing you out.

You're going to find your love and find your happiness.

In the meantime, you can come to work for me here in the office and make some

house calls.

I don't understand.

Well, you don't have to.

That is, I'll make you a physiotherapist.

I don't know anything about physiology. I'll teach you. I'll teach you.

Would you really, Dr. Young?

Oh, Dr.

Young, when can we start?

Well, right now, if you like. Oh, the sooner the better. Will I need anything?

Just a uniform.

No equipment?

Linda, you were born with all the equipment you'll ever need.

Oh, Dr.

Young.

I'd like to teach you all to screw and perfect harmony.

I'd like to see you all get laid.

I'd like to see you all get laid. But leave a piece

for me.

Case 358 for Finster, age 25, bachelor.

has an obsession in finding out that things really do go better with coke.

Relax your muscles, my dear.

That's it. All the way in, all the way in.

I'd like to try a little trick.

Please don't think less of me.

I'd like to drink.

Case 653.

Jacob Maltz.

Aged 52. He's a widower.

No children.

He's not had sexual intercourse since his wife passed away three years ago.

Refuses to go to bed with anybody until he's married.

He's recently developed severe pains in the groin.

Believed pains to be a result of sexual abstinence.

I've sent my therapist over, Miss Linda Lovelace, to relieve the pain.

Tell me, Mr. Morse, how do you feel now?

Wonderful. I haven't felt this good since my poor Sarah passed away.

I'm so glad. You don't know how good it makes me feel to know that I've been of

some help to you.

You are an angel.

Tell me, maybe you can give me the kind of treatment like that two or three

times a week?

I'll be glad to, Mr. Maltz. But are you sure you can afford it? These are

expensive treatments, you know.

Don't worry.

Money is no object.

Look, I got Blue Cross.

Pace number 007. Dr. Young.

That is, old Dr. Young.

Trying to fall.

Two nurses. Two nurses simultaneously.

Can't go on. How much of this deep throat do you think I can take?

Wounded in the line of duty.

Near death.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Case number 218, Wilbur Wayne, 26,

heir to Wayne's Luluhu fortune.

Exceptionally shy in retiring, he's only aroused when he feels he's overpowering

his partner.

He assumes the role of a burglar and likes to believe he is raping his

Believe Linda Lovelace is ideally suited to bring him out of this dilemma.

Also, if she is attracted to him, they would be well -suited to each other.

How is that?

It's fine, dear.

Oh, I need a big, long man.

Who are you?

What do you want?

Just a stick -up. Your money or your life.

Oh, please, don't hurt me. You can have anything you want, but please don't hurt

me. Here.

Please don't hurt me.

No. I'm going to rape you. Don't cry out.

I've got this gun.

Okay, but please don't hurt me.

Oh, no. You're supposed to be frightened.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

Let's do it again. I'll do better this time.

You know, you always spoil it. You don't want me to have any fun.

You're so masterful, Wilbur.

I just can't help myself.

I get all weak when you come in with that mask and all.

Come on, Wilbur. Let's go to bed.

You've got me all hot.

Oh, okay.

But remember, I'm raping you. If you don't do everything I say, I'm going to

shoot you.

Okay, Masked Marble. Anything you say. You know I'd do anything for you.

Would you really?

You're not just saying that?

No, I mean it, really.

You've got me all tingly inside.

I love you, Linda.

Marry me.

I'll make you happy.

Please.

Wilbur, I like you, but I can't marry you.

Why can't you marry me? Don't you believe I love you?

It's not just that I believe you.

It's just, well...

Well, if the man I marry has to... The man I marry has to have a nine -inch

cock.

Oh, I see.

In that case, I don't blame you for not wanting me.

Wilbur, it's my fault, not yours.

It's always something. All my life, something has always messed me up. Just

think, I'm only four inches away from happiness.

That's Dr. Young's fault.

Yeah, that's Dr.

Young. Hey, Wilbur.

Why don't you give him a call?

And maybe he could do something.

You know, like an operation or some silicone injections.

You really think so?

Maybe. It's worth a try. Come on, give him a call.

Hello, Dr. Young?

It's Robo.

Yes.

You've got to help me.

I'm in love.

With Linda, we want to get married.

Thank you. There's only one problem.

She is a nine -inch cock.

Doctor, please help me.

I'm only four inches away from happiness.

You can?

Any size I want?

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

I'll see you then. Thank you.

Darling, he said he could push. He can cut it down to any size you want.

Oh, will the... Now I'm gonna tell

you the way it has to be.

And if you pay attention...

I'm sure that you will see.

Just relax your muscles.

And once you hit that spot,

keep right on pushing and give it

all you've got.

Now we've found your tinkler.

The solution is quite clear.

For if we both kind of hit it now,

the bell you'll surely hear.