Original subtitles

Listen, this is the second statement in the road that doesn't list our kids as

dependents.

Yes, ma 'am, I'm sure I have three kids.

This leads me to the question, does a vasectomy always have to be voluntary?

Don't put me on hold. The last person put me on hold.

I'm on hold.

Are you talking to mommy?

Our insurance company, the nice people who sent me home from the hospital three

hours after you were born.

I want to listen to a life video.

Oh, honey, I told you, I've been to a bunch of stores. I can't find it.

But it has never before seen footage to delight children of all ages.

I'll keep looking.

Those people at the fairy tale channel should all rot in hell.

Hey, Mom, can you pick me up from dance practice?

What? What about Becca's mom? Well, Becca's mom's boyfriend got into a fight

with Becca's dad. Now Becca's mom is too depressed to get out of her pajamas.

Becca's mom is nuts.

Well, technically she's bipolar.

Okay, fine, fine, I'll take you.

Mom, you got the wrong kind of peanut butter.

Oh, did I get the kind that causes ungrateful whining?

This is creamy. I like crunchy.

Mom, you can't just... It's not that bad.

Cutie. Get it yourself.

Fine. Where is it? I'm sorry.

It's just that I've been on the phone with this idiot from the health

No, sir. No, sir. I didn't mean you.

No, not the automated... system. Oh, now I'm talking to a machine.

Yes.

No.

Dependent. Where's the syrup?

In the fridge.

Miller! Miller! Our last name is Miller!

Oh, great. Now I told the automated system that our last name is in the

If that were the case, I would have named Brian Sixpack.

Look now when the lights go down.

And when it comes to you and me, girl, ooh, you turn me inside out.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

Hey, kids, get upstairs and get your suitcases. Your grandparents are going

be here any minute.

Why do we even have to go? I hate that stupid train museum.

It's the third week of your three -week holiday break.

Week one, we loved you. Week two, we liked you. Week three, get out.

Your suitcases should be by the door. We don't want Grandma and Grandpa hanging

around. Once these old people sit down, it takes the Star Spangled Banner to get

them to stand up again.

Oh, man, this is gonna bite.

Hey, hey, hey, you guys say this every year, and every year we have a great

time. You and Mom stay home every year. And we have a great time.

Oh, God, Bill, I can't wait three whole days without anyone yelling, I need

help, I need food, I need clean underwear.

You do know I'm still going to be here, right?

Oh, I get it. Underwear optional.

Huh? Yep, right on time. I'll get it. They'll barge in.

Toot, toot! All aboard the train museum express.

He's been toot -tooting me all the way from Indiana.

I had to crack a window.

How was the cruise?

Oh, you should have seen the food.

Helen, show him the pictures.

Oh, look at this.

That's just the lunch buffet.

And then your father dragged me to this naked beach.

Here's your book back.

Hi, sweetie. I got a treat for you.

For the trip down, I bought a CD of authentic train sounds.

Oh, from Steam to Bullet, the music of the rails.

And that's just volume one. Volume two is in the car.

Okay, everybody, ready to go. Well, what's the rush? We'll sit and visit for

few minutes.

Yeah, what's the rush? No rush. We'd just hate to see you guys hit traffic.

Traffic. Oh, yeah, yeah, leaving town this time of day. I mean, I'm sure you

heard the Kennedys down to two lanes because of construction.

I was not aware of that.

Helen, we're leaving. Come on, kids.

Have a great time.

See you lots of trains.

Have fun. Bye, Mom. Good to see you.

What was that?

Nothing, I see it. This does not sound good.

Really, Mom, it's nothing.

Judy, I know how you get sick. The sneeze turns into a cough. The next day,

you're running a fever.

Jean, maybe we better stick around and keep an eye on her tonight.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm fine. It's just allergies.

There's a lot of dust around the house.

My allergies haven't been that bad.

They can be.

Dad, Brian is just worrying about Mom, and so am I. Besides, if she's sick, we

might all have the virus in us. Huh?

Nobody's sick.

It's just a sneeze, not a sneeze and a cough and a fever. Just a sneeze. Go,

go. Have a good time.

Yeah, and hurry. That traffic window's closing. A lot of maniacs on the road.

Hippies and their hot rods.

Go, go, go.

Have fun.

We're staying.

102, just like I said.

Amazing. You could be a carnival fever guesser.

Mom. Take the kids. Go to the train museum.

Oh, not when my little jujubee needs me.

You just relax. I'll get you some more soup.

Oh, fine. Can you hand me those insurance papers? I have to fill out the

for the kids.

I'll do it. You're sick.

Oh, Mom, it's really complicated HMO stuff.

Judy, when you get to be my age, health insurance is your world.

I made a profit on my gallbladder operation.

Wow. Now, don't you worry. I'll take care of all this paperwork, get you some

magazines, bring the little TV in here, and clean the house from top to bottom.

You relax and let Mommy take care of everything.

Okay, Mommy.

You know, Grandpa, we do have other channels besides the weather channel.

Look at those precipitation numbers.

Boy, I'm glad we're not in Seattle, huh?

Oh, I don't know. Nice and green. Good coffee.

A couple of thousand miles away from here.

Well, kid, between this storm and that low -pressure system over the Dakotas, I

think we're in for a very interesting afternoon.

It's ten in the morning.

Lauren, I need you to do the dishes.

Brian, I want you to wipe down every surface in this house with Lysol. We've

to disinfect before the whole family gets sick. But we're enjoying the

channel with Grandpa.

Yeah, we're tracking a storm over the Dakotas. You heard your grandma, and

get cracking. Thank you, Bill.

You're in charge of ironing.

Ironing? I don't really iron. My body heat and moisture tend to steam out the

wrinkles.

You want heat and moisture?

Where do you see Florida?

The humidity is at 80 % and it's rising.

Where's the iron?

Hey, Dad.

Hi, Mommy.

I heard you guys were in town and I came over right away. Hey, Mom, you know

that psychology class I'm taking? I got an A on the final.

Oh, that's wonderful, sweetie. As soon as I get Judy some more soup, I want to

hear all about it.

Don't you want to hear about it now?

Linda, your sister's running a fever.

Judy's running a fever.

Maybe I should prep myself for surgery in case she needs my marrow.

Daddy, did you hear about my grade? I sure did.

Did you hear about this heat wave in Arkansas?

You know, what's interesting about a heat wave, I learned in my psychology

that the crime rate rises with the heat.

In fact, there was a famous study done in 1979 at New York University...

Out

to sea

with you, tropical depression, Edgar.

Back to Indiana with you, cause of our depression, Gene.

Oh, fellow slaves.

Dad, when is Mom going to get better? It's been days.

Yeah, all this work is making me look forward to school, and that's just not

right.

I think you got it bad. You kids were supposed to be trapped with them at a

train museum. I had a shot at three straight days of pants -free living.

And then I'm ironing, ironing.

Is she any better?

Her throat's so sore she can barely talk, but she finally fell asleep.

Did you finish ironing these sheets? Yes, I did.

And where do they go?

Linen closet.

Upstairs, Dad.

The extra blanket room.

Oh.

Yes!

It's an 84 -yard field goal attempt.

What? second left on the clock.

The kick is up, and it's good!

Judy?

Grandpa, did you bring the berries?

You're faking sick.

No, I'm not faking.

I don't believe this. You're up here having fun while I'm wasting my vacation

days watching the Weather Channel and ironing.

Okay, I've been faking, but only since this morning. Before that, I was really

sick. He's snotty. Oh, that makes it all better. You're a liar, liar, pants on

fire.

By the way, I burned your pants.

Bill, you don't understand. For two days, my mom's been doing everything.

cooking, the cleaning, the health insurance papers. It's like being a wife

mom without having the husband and kids.

Helen, you're going down. No, no, don't rat me out. I love it up here. It's like

being a kid again.

and brings me soup and cold washcloth, and I get to watch TV, and I get to eat

snack foods all day long.

Bill?

Come on.

Paul, be careful. You're going to break the TV.

This thing's indestructible. We've had it forever.

Now what are we going to do? Come on. We're two intelligent people.

We should be able to find something to do that doesn't involve TV.

Do we have any magazines in here about TV?

No. Let's go downstairs and watch the game.

Whoa, whoa.

What do you think you're doing? You two should not be out of bed.

Well, we were feeling a little better, so we wanted to watch TV downstairs.

Takes 72 hours for the virus to leave your system.

But our TV broke.

You shouldn't be watching it anyway. You need your rest.

But TV... ...is off for the night.

Now get back in that bed. Go on. March, march, march, march. Helen. March!

Bill, hitting the TV is not going to make it work.

I'm not trying to fix it anymore. This is just hate.

If she's not going to let us out of bed for another day, then they're going to

leave and we'll go back to work without any vacation at all. This is the worst

fake illness ever.

Oh, my God.

Is it instructions on how to fix the TV?

Yeah, and the paper.

No, it's a midnight show. The song remains the same at the Esquire. Oh,

Man, we haven't seen Zeppelin on the big screen since high school.

Even then, I spent half the movie going, come on, pass it, dude.

We took a nap. We could totally make a midnight show. But your parents will

never let us leave.

Bill, they couldn't stop our wedding, and they're not going to stop this.

They wanted to stop our wedding?

No, they like you. Let's go.

Why are we stopping here?

I was going to pick up six friends who are cold and need a ride.

Oddly enough, they're all named Buds.

Oh, man.

What? I didn't bring my wallet. Oh, man.

Well, there goes the movie.

There's got to be some toll money or something around here.

Bingo! In the glove box, some change organizers. There's got to be at least

bucks here.

Hi, Brian.

He's also got a Yoda mask and an asthma inhaler.

Well, at least we know our son's not sexually active.

Not on this planet.

Hey, here's our sixth little friend.

How are we going to sneak him into the movie theater?

I could hide him in my shirt and pretend I got a beer belly.

Yeah, pretend.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it. The Snow White video that Tina's been begging me

for. Look at that. Let's go.

But there's only one copy left, and I looked for it everywhere. She wants it

bad. But we only have so much change.

If we buy this, we can't have our big night out. We'll come back tomorrow and

get it. Here. I'll hide it behind something nobody will ever buy, like

chips. You should not be allowed to call these chips.

Soy -licious, my ass.

Is that everything?

Yep.

I .D.?

buying beer, I need I .D.

I .D.? I'm 40 years old.

Sorry, I have to card everyone. You've had some trouble with undercover cops.

Oh, come on. Do I look like a Chicago cop?

Yeah.

I got I .D.

Man, that's a refrigerator magnet.

I'm fine.

You don't have to be... Judy, Judy, she's right.

It is the law.

What kind of society would it be if we didn't abide by the law?

Here's your beer, dude. Yes.

At least six bucks. Keep the change.

I said keep the change.

Yeah, I got it.

Look at us.

We're sneaking out of the house, driving a party van, and getting a stranger to

buy beer for us. It's 1982 again.

Oh, it's 11 o 'clock. We're going to miss the movie.

Well, I hope Tina didn't sneak into our room looking for us and blow our cover.

She gots a better date.

Oh, sometimes she gets up and we watch Letterman. Then we each have a bowl of

cereal and it's off to bed.

For me, I don't know what she does.

That kid is something else.

You know, we should go back to the store and buy her that video.

Judy, the video's 20 bucks. We'd have to return the beer and skip the movie.

It'll be there tomorrow.

It's behind soy chips.

You know, I'm thinking of buying a bag for the house so we can hide your

jewelry.

Are you also thinking about buying me some jewelry?

What I'm saying is if it isn't there tomorrow, I'm going to feel like a

mother. You're not a horrible mother.

So you faked to get out of being with your kids and got your mom to do some

important health insurance stuff so we could sneak beer into a movie.

That does not mean... So now you want to return the beer and buy the video.

Even though you don't have a receipt and you illegally had another customer buy

the beer for you.

getting bogged down in details.

Listen, Emma, do you have kids of your own? Boy and a girl.

Then you can understand how some of these children's videos are hard to come

My kids are in their 20s.

20s? When did you have them? Eighth grade?

Actually, I did.

Could you please just do this for us, mother to mother?

Fine. Thank you so much, Hanlon. Okay.

The beer was $5 .49, so we owe you $5 .10.

So you two got it together to have kids.

Well, now we don't have any money for movie tickets. So much for our big wild

night out. Yeah, but we did the right thing. I can't wait to see Tina's face

tomorrow when we give her this video.

I guess you're right.

You know, it's fun to screw around and pretend to be a couple of teenagers, but

when it comes down to it, being a parent comes first.

Let's go home.

We're out of gas.

What? The gate says that we have half a tank.

I don't think it's working.

Where's Emma?

She's gone.

She was just here two minutes ago.

Yeah, Emma doesn't like to hang out after her shift ends.

The thing is, that's when the pay stops.

Okay, look, Paco.

We just bought this video, but now we want to return it and get our money back

because we need to buy gas.

Sure thing.

You got a receipt?

People and their obsession with receipts.

I can't believe you wouldn't give us our money back.

Calm down. Paco is just doing his job. Oh, it's just like you to side with

Linda's not home, and everybody else we know is at home actually taking care of

their children.

Well, there must be somebody we can find with a driver's license.

Well, I hope you two are happy.

Brian and I were worried sick. I mean, you two could have been dead in a ditch

for all we knew.

Wait till we tell your mother.

You're not going to tell my mother.

Seriously, you're not going to tell my mother, right?

Okay, everybody be quiet, because we don't want to wake up Grandma and

Too late.

Father and I have been up all night worried sick.

Right, Jean?

I guess you caught us fair and square.

Might as well come clean.

Brian and Lauren snuck out.

What? That's right, and we had to go and track them down.

Well, you kids should be ashamed of yourselves, making your parents go out

they've been sick.

Especially with those guts coming in off the lake that will be with us through

the weekend.

Come on, Grandpa, Mom, and Dad. I'm sick of this.

and you will be punished.

As a matter of fact, Grandma and Grandpa rescheduled the train museum for

President's Day weekend, but we are not going to let you go.

Really?

Oh, you can beg, but it's not going to happen.

I guess we deserve this.

Why didn't we learn our lesson the hard way?

Good night.

Good night.

Oh,

thank God we don't have to go to that dreadful train museum.

Oh, look, you're watching Snow White.

Oh, I love children's stories.

You know, when your Aunt Linda was younger, she thought she was going to be

writer. In fact, when I was in college, I had a professor.

He said I had a strong narrative voice and an active imagination.

He said I was good.

make me happy