Original subtitles

Did you finally clear the driveway?

Yep. Did you put back the snowblower?

Yep. Did the neighbors catch you? Nope.

And, good news for summer, I noticed they got a slip and slide.

Oh, it's so Christmassy out there.

I see somebody made snow angels on the front lawn.

No, that was Bill. He didn't get back up.

If you saw me, why didn't you help me?

Because it was warm in here.

funny out there.

Hello? Oh, hey, Mom.

Yes, of course, we're coming to you for Christmas. It's your year.

What?

Really?

A cruise?

So we won't be spending Christmas with you?

Oh, of course we're disappointed. Yeah, but you and Dad have a great time. We'll

miss you. Bye!

Bye! Bye!

going to be good?

Holiday.

They told you to let me know?

No.

Katie. Probably just left it on my cell phone.

No messages.

Nope. I think there's a big one.

Bill, this is great. After all these years, we finally get to have our own

Miller Christmas. We can do whatever we want. Create our own traditions. I'm

just throwing this out.

Beer nog.

Oh, yes.

You can take this opportunity to open your heart and your home to someone less

fortunate. You know, the sad, the pathetic, the downtrodden.

Okay, I get it. You can come.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

Mom? Yes? Got that other box of decorations down from the attic for you.

Thanks, Lauren.

Don't thank me.

Mother, you do so much for us. You deserve a wonderful Christmas.

Well, it is the most butt -kissy time of the year.

What? Me being nice has nothing to do with some medium -brown flea jacket.

I'm the way.

Farrington's. Send it my name.

You know, I am so excited that we get to have our own Christmas this year. What

do you say we ditch the fake tree and go to one of those locks and cut down a

live one? Ooh, it's beginning to smell a lot like effort.

Hey, Brian, guess what? It's time to set up the Candy Cane Express.

Mom, I'm a teenager now. I'm too old for model trains and stuff.

Look, it's Coco Claus.

I missed you, buddy.

Let's go get you cleaned up.

We're back.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, my little billy goat. Where were you when I came to pick up Tina? Were you

hiding from me? Why would I hide from my mom in the basement?

So how was your picture with Santa? Oh, not so good.

He fell and shook a lot.

Santa had a little seizure episode.

An elf had to shove a candy cane in his mouth.

Tina, don't worry. I'm sure Santa will be fine in time for Christmas. I don't

want him in the house.

I go after her. Poor kid. Last year at the mall, she found the Easter Bunny

smoking behind a dumpster.

Billy?

I've got some great tickets to the Nutcracker on Saturday. Maybe you could

some time out of your busy life for the woman who raised you.

I feel like I got front row seats for the Nutcracker right now.

I'm sorry, Ma. I can't make it.

Oh, well.

At least we'll see each other for Christmas Eve dinner.

Absolutely. Oh, it's going to be so much fun to have everybody over to my new

place. What?

But, Mom, we had it at your house last year. It might be a lot of work for you.

Oh, nonsense.

There's nothing more that I would love than to give you a nice Christmas like

the kind we used to have.

Remember, we'd all gather around the piano while I played carols.

I miss that piano.

But you don't have the piano anymore, and your new apartment's so small.

And it's been a big adjustment for me.

But maybe something like this is what I need to make it feel more like a home

for even a few precious hours.

So, what time do you want us there?

Oh, well, we'll eat at six, so no later than noon.

Wait, wait, wait.

What's at six? Why do we have to be there at noon?

Christmas Eve dinner.

Oh, this is just what I need.

Life hasn't been easy for me since your father left me for that whore, Merry

Christmas.

Well, you gotta love her. I can't remember why. I think it's one of the

commandments or something.

Bill, didn't you tell her we were having Christmas here this year? Oh, Judy, we

could stand here all day and play the blame game, but, uh...

I wouldn't fare well in that discussion, so let's just drop it. Now, who wants

to watch me drink six beers? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I'm not dropping it.

When do I get to have the Christmas Eve dinner that I've always dreamed of with

turkey or beef or whatever the hell it is I've decided I've always dreamed of?

Fine, I'll tell her. It's not going to be easy.

Hey, I know what I'll do. I'll buy her off. I'll get her a great present.

That'll soften the blow.

Oh, if you think that'll work. You know, she's never liked what we've given her

in the past. That's not true, and I got the perfect thing. Yeah, she was going

on and on about how much she loved her old piano.

Oh, I hated singing around that piano.

Honey, we all hated you singing around that piano.

I'm getting her a portable keyboard. She'll love it. Well, I hope so. You

the kids are getting older, and there's only so many holidays left that we can

legally make them spend with us.

Don't worry.

I'll get you your Miller Christmas.

With your turkey or your beef or your Christmas night dirty lingerie show.

I'm just spitballing here, but that's where traditions come from, you know.

What a surprise. You came over without me even calling you three or four times.

But who's counting?

Other than you, nobody.

Look, I put up the Christmas tree.

Doesn't it look beautiful?

Yeah, nothing says Christmas like a tree that could give you tetanus.

The reason I dropped by, I bought you a present.

It's an electric keyboard.

I guess you were talking about those great Christmases we had singing around

piano. An electric keyboard.

I don't have to join the Internet to use this, do I? No, no, no, no. And the

great thing about this is it's portable.

So you can bring it with you when you come to our house for Christmas Eve

dinner. We're eating at 6, so be there no earlier than 5 .30.

What?

But I thought you were coming to my place.

It's just that Judy's been looking forward to having our own Christmas. And

don't have the big house like you did in Joliet. It might be kind of hard to fit

all of us in this tiny apartment.

Oh.

Well, it doesn't seem so tiny when you're rattling around in it all alone.

Please, Ma.

It'd mean a lot to us.

Well, maybe I could get myself all bundled up.

Maybe there won't be ice.

Maybe I won't fall and break my hip on the way over.

I'll risk it, if that's what will make you happy.

That's the spirit.

I found the needy person I'm going to help for Christmas.

She works in my office, and I'm going to take her shopping to fix her up.

But I just brought her by if you can get a load of her.

I mean, meet her.

Stacy, come on in.

Judy, this is Stacy.

Very nice to meet you, Stacy.

Hi.

If you find a heel on your lawn when the snow melts, could you call me?

Come by and get it.

Sure.

Yeah, Linda thinks she can give me a makeover. I told her she was wasting her

time. Ah, hey, uh -uh.

No, that is just ridiculous.

Somewhere inside of you is a beautiful, confident woman, and we're going to find

her, okay?

We're going to start with that hair.

Just had it done.

Can I use your bathroom? If I sneeze, I'm going to tinkle.

And I'm going to sneeze. Okay, yeah. Remember,

Stacy, you're a beautiful person and everyone knows it.

She's a myth.

I get to fix her and feel good about myself.

Linda, when you said you were going to help the less fortunate, I thought it

going to be someone truly needy. Judy, hello. Have you seen her hair?

Oh, the Miller family Christmas is back on.

house. Does she like the keyboard?

Of course she did. She's my mom. I know what she likes.

So now we can have a nice, quiet, sane Christmas after all.

I'm locked in the bathroom.

Who's that?

That would be my pathetic person.

Locked herself in the bathroom.

Did I get cold or what?

See? Wasn't that exciting, cutting down our own tree? Yeah, especially when that

guy started chasing us out of his yard.

to live next door to a cut -down -your -own -tree lot, you ought to have a

fence.

Okay, where should we put it?

Next to the piano.

Honey, the tree's heavy. Don't tease Daddy.

I'm not.

Wow,

you gave us a piano.

Wow, you gave her a key.

You said you missed having a piano, and when you brought me that cute little

one, I took the hint. Oh, don't you love it, Billy? It's exactly like our old

one. Kids, why don't you go upstairs and check for other instruments?

Louise, where's our couch?

Oh, the piano man moved it.

But, Mom, none of us plays piano.

Well, that is the rest of the present. I'm coming over every Saturday to give

you all lessons.

Bill, let's go to the kitchen and mark our calendar.

We have to tell her we can't keep that thing. Come on, I already had to take

Christmas away from her. Trust me, she didn't make that easy.

Are you actually suggesting we keep it? Our couch is in our kitchen.

Well, it's closer to the fridge.

Bill, your mother has given us lessons every Saturday.

It's like I say, piano's got to go.

Mom, this is very generous, but we can't keep it. What?

But I thought you said you loved it when I played the piano and we sang

Christmas carols.

But it's so big.

Well, you won't let me have you over for dinner, and you won't let me give you a

gift. So I guess I'll have to wait for next year to be happy.

It's all taken care of. She left and she's taken back the piano. Oh, well,

that's great.

And on an unrelated note, we're having Christmas Eve dinner at my mom's house.

Bill?

Why did you give away Christmas? I was talking to my mom and had taken back the

piano and she got this crazy idea that we loved having Christmas at her house.

How'd you get that idea?

I said it. But in my defense, I was lying.

So, uh, we're cool.

No, we're not cool.

What about the Miller Christmas? Well, what better place to have Miller

Christmas than with the oldest and craziest Miller of all?

Fine. But that lady's not taking away my Christmas Eve dinner. I am bringing my

crown roast and shoving it down her throat.

So you'll go?

I won't be happy about it.

Honey, it's the holidays. No one's ever happy.

Now, I know this is not the Christmas Eve we were planning, but it means a lot

to your grandmother, and we want to make her happy.

For some reason.

So, let's just make the best of it. Because when all's said and done, it's

family, and it's still Christmas.

Yes, like ours.

Oh, it's the same one, Tina.

And I'm keeping it for now, just in case your mommy and daddy change their mind.

Where should I put my crown roast, Louise?

Oh, well, why don't we put all this stuff in the kitchen, everybody? Follow

Now I have to open the refrigerator. Everybody back up a few steps.

There's no making my mother happy. Let it go, Bill. Embrace the Christmas

spirit.

What are you eating?

Cherries. I found them in your mom's cabinet. They're delicious.

And soaked in brandy.

How many have you had?

Two. But I drank all the juice.

Here's the ham.

Billy, you do the carving.

Where's the crown roast I brought?

Oh, I'm sorry. I dropped that on the floor.

Christmas good deed.

Now, I sent her out for a makeover, so please, everybody, you know, just make a

big fuck, okay?

Holy crap, you actually look good.

Really? Thank you.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Come on in, gorgeous.

Actually, I can't really stay.

Linda, I took your advice and put myself out there.

Oh, good for you.

No, I was at Mark McCarthy's Christmas party last night.

Wait, wait, Mark had a Christmas party?

Oh, it's mostly for people who work on the fifth floor.

I work on the fifth floor.

Anyway, I was dancing with him, and he asked me if I wanted to spend Christmas

at his house on the North Shore.

I've been hitting on him for two years.

He still calls me Camara Second.

Yeah,

he says hi.

Merry Christmas, Linda. You're my angel.

Oh, don't let your cats eat that. It's poisonous.

She's hot.

Whenever I'm sure I'll be waking up Christmas morning to a rich lawyer, I'll

waking up with a supermarket plant and a couple of dead cats.

Oh, well, don't worry, honey. I'll cheer you up. I'll play some carols for you

on the piano.

Rock on, Louise.

And after that, we'll open presents.

I got...

Each and every one of you something special.

But, Mom, this is nuts. You can't afford this.

Oh, sure I can. I made money on the house. And before I moved, I had a big

sale. All those things that I'd never even opened. A foot massager, a sewing

machine, a food processor.

A bread maker?

Yeah. Those are all gifts I bought you.

And you spent way too much money on me.

I couldn't believe how much I got when I returned the keyboard.

So, so, you returned my Christmas present and you sold every gift I've

given you.

Oh, Billy, I don't need all those fancy things.

An electric can opener?

Who am I?

Queen Elizabeth?

Ma, you're not getting it. They were gifts.

Oh, I don't know what all this fuss is about. We're having a nice Christmas

dinner. No, no, we're not. We're having...

A ridiculous Christmas dinner on top of a giant piano.

Instead of a lovely meal at home that this beautiful woman was slaving over

days.

Come tomorrow.

I don't know why you even came.

Like we had a choice, woman.

Well, we do have a choice.

Which is why we're all going home and trying to salvage whatever Christmas

is left.

We're out of here.

Fine.

Okay.

Brian, you're going to have to go under.

I am so out of here.

Come on. Come on.

Practical gift?

Look underneath it.

A boxcar full of gumdrops for the Candy Cane Express!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

It's Nana.

I brought someone with me, Tina, to show you that he's okay.

makes these as part of his physical therapy.

So I'm surprised you came by.

Well, it is Christmas, and I didn't want this just hanging in the air between

us. Since you're here, why don't I get you a coffee?

Oh, coffee sound nice.

Oh, fresh brewed. Yummy.

Well, you could have it every day if you'd kept the coffee maker I bought

Look, Billy, I'm sorry I sold the gift that you bought me.

It just didn't occur to me that they meant that much to you.

I mean, I don't need a bread maker.

I'm not Jar Jar Gabor.

So you thought everything I've ever given you was worthless.

That's not true at all. Whatever.

Underneath my Christmas tree, I put a picture of my mom and me. I look at it,

and I am glad.

She cheers me up when I am sad.

You wrote this for me when you were in the second grade.

You kept that?

I kept everything you ever made for me. All the drawings, all the cards.

But you got rid of everything I bought.

You know, when your father started cheating on me, he would

buy me all these big fancy gifts. And then the more time he spent away from

the bigger the gifts got.

What, do you think I'm seeing another mother on the side?

No. But I think that you buy me gifts so that you don't have to spend time with

me. And even though I live close now, I still never see you.

Mom, you know, work and the kids.

Oh, my kid. And I have no excuses for not spending more time with you.

Tell you what, get a decent TV, I'll come over more.

You know, I could use a new TV.

Good. How about we start hanging out right now?

I would love that.

Ooh, a nice, suede jacket. You must have kissed a lot of butts, sweetie.

She seems happy.

What did you say to her? That I'd spend more time with her. It's all she really

wanted. Oh, Bill, good for you. After all, it is Christmas.

You didn't promise I'd spend more time with her, did you?

Oh, Judy, I brought you a jar of those cherries you like so much.

Merry Christmas, Louise.

Call me Mom.

Give me the cherries.

Tina here.

She's upstairs.

What are you doing?

Tina, honey, could you come down here?

Got my old Santa suit out of the garage.

I'm going to show her that Santa's nothing to be afraid of.

Fill this box up filled with spider.

The box is full of spiders. How did they not get in the...