Original subtitles

What's going on, Mrs. Kravitz? Samantha turned Darren into a zebra again?

I can't stand it. Lauren's out on that porch with the kids she's been dating.

It's been three weeks and he has yet to set foot in this house. It took you six

months to introduce me to your parents.

I was waiting for the perfect moment.

But the three of you never seem to be drunk at the same time.

Oh, oh, he's on the move. Let's see if we can get a good look. And he's gone.

know nothing about this kid, Bill. Well, to be fair, how much do we really know

about Lauren?

Reading?

Cleaning? Hey, Mom, while you're at it, you might want to get your nose smudge

off the front window.

Just curious. How come we're not allowed to see your boyfriend's face?

Maybe he doesn't have a face.

He's just shy. Oh, come on. Now, come on, Judy. You'd be shy, too, if you

have a face.

He has a face.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Matthew's mother. Yes, he just left.

I'll talk to her. Yes, well, I really wanted to talk to you, too.

Out of town?

What? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Could you hold on a second? Lauren's trying to

You've been visiting Dad's sick aunt in Waukegan. I know it sounds silly. Just

please play along. Gotcha.

No, we don't have relatives in Waukegan.

Oh, no, she meant Rockford. That's where the sick aunt is.

Well, we've been wanting to meet you, too.

Bill and I, Friday night sounds great.

Oh.

Yeah, we'll bring Brian and Tina, too.

Okay, great.

Thanks.

I can't believe you would lie to keep us from meeting your boyfriend's parents.

It's just that Matthew's family is a little different than we are. You

get along.

Different how?

Well, when somebody in his family accidentally burps, they say, excuse me,

instead of seeing how deep they can get into the alphabet.

Hey, who was applauding when I got to R?

Well, it's not just that. I mean, they're nice. They go to church every

Well, going to church doesn't necessarily make you nice.

It does, however, make you sleepy.

We just took you to church. You told them that, didn't you?

Uncle Dan's funeral?

Within a church.

And a real snooze fest.

Not a big deal. I mean, they know that you guys don't take me to church.

Why would they know that?

Well, because I've been going to church with them.

What? When?

Sunday. Jeez, Judy.

I mean, when have you been going that we don't know about it? Early in the

morning before you get up.

Now you know that they're nice people and you don't have to meet them. No. No,

we need to meet them, because they need to know that we're good people, too.

Come on, Dad.

I don't want to go, do you?

Well, it's a tough call, because when I see how miserable it'd make you, I

think, I'm just not the kind of father who could pass that up.

I'm still in love with you today, because you make me happy.

And, Dad, don't forget, please don't call anything Abby.

What? I don't say assy. Yeah, you do. It's your new favorite word. You've been

saying it nonstop for two weeks.

Okay, name one thing that I call assy. Arena football.

Turkey frames.

Grandma.

I believe I call Grandma gassy.

Come in.

Hi, sorry, one second.

I guess they're really into Kenny Loggins.

Grammys. Let's not get carried away.

Hi, Matthew Halverson. I'm dating your daughter.

No, I'm kidding you. I'm the old man. This is my wife, Kathy.

Don't call me the old lady.

Nice to meet you.

Let me take that. I'm Judy. You have a lovely home.

It really feels like it's filled with God's love.

Thank you.

I'm Bill. This is Brian, Tina. Of course you know Lauren.

Hey, Lauren.

Hi, Matthew.

These are my parents.

Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Miller.

It's nice to finally meet you face to face.

Sorry to hear about your thick hands. Oh, thank you. But we find that prayer

the Bible and those little beads really give us strength.

Hey, you guys want to go hang out downstairs?

Yeah, how about we race?

Well, you're the first ones to get here.

We've invited the usual cast of criminals.

Got people from our church, my office, Kathy's office.

Not the post office, though. We're going to go ahead and leave those criminals

on the wall.

Yeah, let me take these posts.

Bless you.

Did someone sneeze?

Yeah, yeah, that was me.

I sneezed like an infant.

The test is I yawn like a hippo. And this from a guy who snores like a big

grizzly bear.

Hey, I got something special I want to share with you, Bill. If it's a Bible,

know that puppy six ways from Sunday.

Oh, good. Well, it's something different.

What's with all the blessing? Are you running for Pope?

These people take our daughter to church, and we don't. Oh, I get it. You

they'll forgive us if they think you're mentally ill.

I just don't want them to think I'm some horrible sinner. Well, just relax.

They seem like nice people. A little happy, but nice.

Now, I understand you're a beer drinker. Try this. I brewed it myself.

Wow, you brew your own beer?

Mmm, rich beer taste with a clean beer finish. You know what this would go good

with? More.

Slow down, Dean Martin. That was supposed to be for both of you.

Do three gallons at a time. That way, everybody gets a taste.

I've been known to do three gallons at a time myself.

Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Have a seat.

Now, I gotta warn you, these potlucks can get pretty wild.

That's why we send the kids down into the basement, so us grown -ups can let

hair down.

Oh, wild, huh?

Oh, yes. We play charades.

We have a sing -along.

Well, good news, early bird. You get the first pick for your roles in the murder

mystery.

But you can't see Madam Plum Tree because she's taken.

And I am...

Old Mr.

Finnegan, the crafty groundskeeper who was passed out drunk at the time of the

murder.

Or was I?

Any chance I could be the murdered guy?

Oh, that must be the McFartland boys.

Let the party begin.

Oh, this is gonna be happy.

Man, that murder mystery was brutal.

I'll tell you what got murdered. Fun.

How about the endless sing -along?

Who is this Michael, and how come it took him 150 verses to row his boat

Well, you guys did great.

You even hung in there for charades. Who else was sweating when Dad got gone

with the wind?

Or in the halberd... seem like really nice people and I never want to see them

again. It works for me. Thanks for being so nice. I even bought 20 bucks worth

of raffle tickets for their church just to show that you come from a good

family, pumpkin.

You can pay me back whenever.

Bill, these aren't raffle tickets. These are tickets to Godspell. What?

Their church is doing the musical of Godspell and you got tickets for

night? We got on set.

We can't blow this off to go see Ozzy Osbourne. Mr. Halverson is playing John

the Baptist.

Well, I'm playing Bill, the oldest guy in the mosh pit.

Lauren, we can't go. I'll call Ted and Kathy and explain.

That you're blowing off a religious play to go see the Prince of Darkness?

I mean, come on. I like these people. Don't rep this for me. Oh, don't worry.

You know, they already think Dad's aunt is sick. I'll call them and tell them we

have to go back to Rockford.

Here, Brian, you and your sister are going to see Godspell.

Oh, Godspell, I've always wanted to see this.

You know, maybe this will inspire me to finish my musical.

Are you writing a musical now?

Yeah. Well, if you need a title, how about You're Killing Your Father?

Oh, I think the Halversons are here to take us to the play.

Oh, wait, no, that's not them.

Are Mom and Dad hiding? They need to be hiding. Yeah, hiding. I'm sure God won't

see them.

You two just calm down.

It's like a little white lie. It doesn't make us bad people. Okay, devil horns,

check.

Skull ring, check.

Air guitar.

Well,

you always bring it, but you never play it.

You guys have fun. We're going to be late, but Aunt Linda will be here, okay?

Oh, it's the Halversons. Go hide.

See that? We got away with it. I don't know what Laura was so freaked out

Coming back, coming back, coming back. Mr. Halverson, I'll just take this

for you.

Here, let me keep your ear.

Judy, a whole year's supply.

I forgot to leave him enough to tell us about the history of this particular

brood. Right, great.

Let's go.

Hi, Mr.

Halverson. What's Tina doing home alone?

Don't worry, my... Aunt Linda will be here soon. Tina will be fine. She knows

-1 -1. Stop, drop, and roll.

Stop, drop, and what?

Shh. Go, go, go.

I'll be out in a minute. A little snafu with a babysitter. Travel Parcheesi's in

the glove box.

Lauren? What's wrong?

Um, I'm just looking around and realizing how lucky I am.

That's a nice home.

Good area of town, too.

How's the access to public transportation?

Oh, Aunt Linda. Great, you're here. This is Mr.

Halverson. Mom and Dad have already gone.

Okay, let's go.

Hello, I'm Lauren's Aunt Linda. Okay, well, you can call me Ted. Although

tonight I hit the stage as John the Baptist.

Don't want to be late. I'll have my head on a platter, just like the real guy.

I can't believe that Phil and Judy left already. It's not even 6 .30.

Where are they at? like a couple teenagers whenever they go. Okay.

Bye -bye. Bye.

Are they gone?

You mean your dignity and self -respect? Yeah, they're gone.

Won't get far without these, huh?

Yeah, no.

and forever. We're going to be late to the concert.

How much are you getting?

Less than at the start of our marriage, but that's okay. I'm tired, too.

Oh, you mean money.

I'm so glad we got out of this Godspell thing. Can you think of anything worse

than watching Ted Halverson sing and dance for two hours? No.

Yeah.

I can't believe Ted Halverson caught you at the ATM.

You guys shouldn't leave the house without your closet.

What'd you say?

Well, we tried to hold on to the sick aunt story.

And Ted wanted to meet her, so I grabbed some old lady at the ATM, but she

couldn't keep the story straight.

It's not our fault.

Churchy people make me feel like a bad person, and then I get nervous and prove

it.

I go to church.

Really? I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah, I really get a lot out of it, you know, especially when I'm

sad. are lonely or confused.

So, you don't just bother us, you bother God, too.

I'm just praying Lauren didn't see us tonight.

She saw you.

So, how was the play?

One word.

Wow. Do I need to learn how to dance? I mean, wow.

See, that's what you get. when you mess with God.

Thank you for the most embarrassing night of my life.

Aw, honey, I'm sure we can top this.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, don't judge us. You were all on board for us lying, Miss Thick Ant and

Keegan. Oh, and I wonder where I could have learned that it's okay to lie.

I'm going to bed. I'm going to church with the Halversons tomorrow. That is,

Matthew ever wants to see my face again.

Were they angry with you at the play, honey?

No, Mom, they were nice.

They're always nice. They're nice people. That's why I go to church with

Lauren, I think it's great you're going to church in the morning.

Don't forget to bring in the paper.

Bill. Oh, that's all right. Your mom will get it.

Oh, we need to go over there and apologize to the hell.

What do we have to apologize for? We've done nothing wrong.

We lied to them.

And then we tried to lie our way out of the lie. Our daughter thinks we have no

morals, and I'm starting to believe she's right.

Come on. We're not bad people. We raise good kids. They stay out of trouble.

Lauren goes to church.

Could other people take her?

Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let somebody make me feel guilty just

because... Bill.

Judy, please tell me you see that, too.

Where did he come from?

If I remember correctly, Bethlehem.

Maybe it's Lauren's.

She's been gone all night.

How did it get here?

Do you think it's a sign?

Maybe if we close her eyes.

Still there.

Close her eyes.

Still there.

Close her eyes.

I've been looking for you. She sees it, too.

He's mine. I have Moran's boyfriend's house.

Did the Halvorsons give him to you?

No. You stole him?

I guess.

Honey, taking things that don't belong to you is wrong.

But you took that glass from the restaurant.

It was free glass night.

But you made me hide it in my coat.

Take the glass, and you can't keep him because he doesn't belong to you.

But I love him.

Oh, that's sweet, honey. We'll buy you one.

Okay. Okay.

Good night, baby.

We are taking it back to the Halversons and explaining everything.

Can't we just leave it on the porch, ring the doorbell, and run?

Bill, I know he didn't magically appear, but maybe we should take it as a sign

that we need to set a better example for our kids. And if we leave it on the

porch and run, we're not taking responsibility.

That's the best part.

No harm, no foul.

He'd understand that.

He was a laid -back guy.

He wore sandals.

Maybe you're right.

Of course I am. Come on, let's go to bed.

All right.

Holy... Moly! I was gonna say moly.

Looks just like the one we broke.

Your beard's a little shorter.

Well, it's early in the day.

I really feel like we're doing the right thing here.

After this, we'll go over there, give them the statue, face the music.

I just hope it's not the Banjo Brothers.

I've been thinking.

Maybe we should start taking the kids to church. Didn't we say we were always

going to do that?

Well, we tried a couple of times when they were babies, but then we got cable,

and everything after that is a beautifully sharp, full -color blur.

I feel like they're searching for something. You know, Lauren going to

Tina loving Jesus.

I'm afraid we're not giving them something to believe in. Okay, fine.

believe in? Well, God.

And, uh, angels.

And, uh, not killing people.

I don't know. My parents never took me to church.

If we're not sure what we believe, should we just go to church and pretend?

mean, isn't that worse than not going at all?

I just... I feel like we need some guidance right now.

Here's your double tall nonfat latte, Father. Thank you, Daniel.

No. Why not?

Because he's not on duty. It's like that time we ran into Dr. Holden at that

restaurant and he wouldn't look at my rash.

You were in a really nice place and your rash wasn't.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to bother you, but my husband and I were wondering if we could ask you

a question.

I guess so.

Do you think it's wrong to go to church if you're not really sure what you

believe in?

Oh, I don't know.

Isn't that what faith is all about?

Believing in something without a guarantee?

Like the clubs.

I get it.

But you're saying we should go to church.

Well, that's kind of a personal decision, but I don't think there's

wrong with... Spending a little time each week thinking about something

than ourselves?

Never really thought about it that way.

Maybe we'll give it a try.

Thank you.

Please be with him.

Yeah. You too.

Hey, Father.

Dad! What? Can I take my break now? I gotta go pick up Mom. Sure, I'll cover

counter.

Geez, I just blew my whole break talking to a couple of stoners about God.

Why are we doing this? Can't we just leave the statue on the porch and run?

No. Because from now on, we are setting a better example. We are going to show

you how to do the right thing when you've made a mistake.

If there's a God, he will take me before the Halversons open that door.

If there's a God, he will take me... Okay, okay, enough with your music.

Hi, we were wondering if we could talk to you and your wife for a second.

Okay, the Millers are here.

Coming.

Would you like to come inside? Sure.

I hear the faucet.

Is she washing her hands?

Probably.

Would you like to sit down?

No, no, no. We don't want to take up your time. We just dropped by.

What's she got on her hands?

We just wanted to come over and apologize for blowing off your play.

And also, we wanted to let you know that our daughter stole your Jesus statue,

and then we broke it.

But we got you a new one, and we hope you'll forgive us, because we want you

know we're decent, moral people.

We've decided that it's not such a bad idea to take an hour a week to think

about something larger than ourselves.

A quick question on that, Pat. Is it always an hour?

Tina, isn't there something you want to say to the Halversons?

I'm sorry I stole your statue.

That's okay, honey.

I just love him so much.

See, she loves Jesus. We all love him, Tina.

He is so cute.

Jesus is cute?

His name is Kenny Loggins. I want to marry him.

Honey, honey, this is Jesus.

No, he's Kenny Loggins. Give him back to me.

It's time to go. Give the nice man his statue back. He's mine.

casserole dish. Let's call it even.

See you in church.

I'll say my name again in case you're not sure. I'm Louie.

Louie Castro.

We're leaving at intermission.

Make me happy.