Original subtitles

Hey, a few free times already.

Oh, damn the school already.

People are going to run out of candy and start handing out stinking fruit.

And the time it's taking you to change clothes. Oh, I've changed sexes.

Because you've been hanging around Ben too much.

Tell him you heard it from Mike.

Ben said I heard it from Mike.

So, where's all the candy we're going to hand out?

Well,

I'm not trick -or -treating. I'm going to be home.

No!

Hey, guys, how's it... Oh, whoa, Christy, what a great costume!

Hey, great prosthesis.

Hey, Betty, you're looking pretty good, too.

Those fake zits are frightening.

I'm not wearing a costume.

But if I were you, I'd lay off the chocolate.

Mike, will you take me trick -or -treating?

No, I can't, Christy. I got to go pick up Betty, and then we're going to a

party.

We all are.

Come on, you guys.

96, 97, 98.

Same as yesterday.

Hey, shiver me timbers, it's Captain Hook!

Yo -ho!

Jason, you haven't said a word about my daughter's beard.

Well, she's a little young, even for the women in your family.

to get a picture of this.

Dad, everything can be wasted.

Candy on my mouth.

Come on.

Come on, Ben.

What? We want all our trick -or -treaters in the picture.

What is it with you people? I am not wearing a costume. And I have not

fake zits on my face.

Are you out of your prescription?

No. And I don't trick -or -treat. I haven't gone since I was a child.

Yeah, last Halloween.

I wasn't really trick -or -treating. I was out toilet paper in houses.

I'm gonna get out of this stinking house.

Ben, I distinctly remember you saying last week... Hey, Carol's showing her

breasts. Never mind Carol's chick. It's about... Oh, my... That's a little low

-cut, isn't it? Little? I can't even raise my arms. Whoops!

Carol, what are you supposed to be? Oh, I'm supposed to be a woman who wants to

be noticed for her brain and not her body.

But we'll see.

I'm kidding.

It's just a costume for a Halloween party with a great blind date.

Well, if you haven't met him, how do you know he's great?

Well, because the friend of mine who set it up told this guy I had a below

average IQ and used to be a cheerleader.

So what happens when he finds out you're an intelligent woman of substance?

Don't worry. I'm not going to do anything wild. I never do anything wild.

I don't know how to do anything wild.

It's a tragedy of what I am.

It's good to hear.

I'm going to wait for this stud outside.

So what were we talking about before Carol? Ben. Hey, Ben. Hey.

Just take me trick -or -treating. He got married and had kids.

We don't have much time. Let's stay in the rich neighborhood.

Oh, Chrissy, that's not nice. Our neighborhood will do just fine.

You know what the houses around here are going for?

Chrissy, stop!

Whoa! It's a storm!

Light up the night with little jack -o' -lanterns. Come, all my ghoulish

friends.

Let the Halloween begin.

It's not just imagination.

When you hear a ghost whisper right in your ear, did the wind alone

softly moan?

No, it's a werewolf.

That's outside your window. The foulest of all creations.

Gather together at this time of year, creatures of the dark.

No, no, Stink Man. We only use new toilet paper.

Stop it,

Chrissy. Stop right now.

Chrissy, stop it. Halloween isn't ruined.

It isn't? No.

What are you doing with all that toilet paper?

Um, I was going to hand it out to the trick -or -treaters.

Come on, if you're not going to help out here, just don't say anything.

Yes. Yes, they did, but on the boat, on the way over was Halloween.

I never heard that.

Oh, well, they don't tell you everything in preschool. They're afraid you get

bored and drop out.

You're saying they had Halloween on the Mayflower?

You haven't heard of this either?

I think this speaks very badly for the public education system today.

Yes, Maggie, yes. That's why we have pumpkins on Halloween and on

we have pumpkin pie.

By God, we do, don't we?

So I thought with all the rain, tonight would be a great night to have the old

pilgrim Halloween.

What did they do?

Well, they didn't toilet paper houses.

Did they then?

No, they used leaves.

No, they told scary stories.

Oh, this is one of those family deals.

I'm talking about really scary stories.

How scary?

This is a little young for this. No, I'm not. I'm a woman with a book.

I will.

Let's set a little mood here, a little less light.

And if we happen to save a little electricity, so be it.

All right. Oh, yes, it was a Halloween night, as I recall, a night much like

this.

Yeah, and I was about the same age as your brother Mike is right now.

Even looked like him.

The job of handing out candy to trick -or -treaters fell to me that year

Pop was at his men's club having a lengthy meeting about their secret

And my mom was leaving to visit a sick relative in Buffalo.

This plane ticket cost me $39.

Uncle Zeke better be on his deathbed.

Mom! I'm sorry, Jason.

Money's not important and Zeke's my favorite uncle.

After all, he has lingered so I could purchase my ticket 30 days in advance.

Excursion, right?

Seats are limited, certain restrictions apply, and the cost of the ticket is non

-refundable. Oh, that's my boy.

Have a nice trip, Mom. Oh, honey, I'm sorry you're left alone.

Halloween will be ruined for you. Oh, no, no, it won't. My good friend Jerome

coming over here, and we're having a pilgrim kind of Halloween.

How resourceful.

Yeah, we're also turning off all the lights. That way, we'll have no trick

-treaters, and we can save all that candy money.

I don't want to miss my flight. Okay, and remember, bring back some of those

peanuts from the plane.

Well,

I think I'll watch some TV.

What am I saying?

We don't have a TV. We're holding out for color.

Hi, Jace. You want to go toilet paper some houses?

No. Not only would that be vandalization...

It wouldn't be thrifty.

Excuse me.

No, no, that wasn't you. That was outside.

Isn't that weird?

What? Up there.

Where?

You mean under the flying saucer?

Think about it.

Oh, no. What if they're here seeking intelligent life?

You got nothing to worry about.

All right, just take a look. So there's a very rational scientific explanation

for all of this. It's probably marsh gas.

I said, excuse me.

Wanting some candy.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Jason?

Mom?

Mom, what are you doing here?

Coffee. I must have coffee.

You came all the way back to get a cup of coffee? Mom, you're missing your

flight. It's $39 down the drain for a cup of coffee?

It's very good coffee.

I'm talking crazy.

I see you've gotten into my coffee.

My second cup.

That's funny. He never has a second cup of my coffee.

Wait a minute. What am I thinking?

He doesn't drink coffee.

What are you doing?

Beating my face.

Save some for me.

Oh, you're both acting weird. This is nuts.

Oh, you'll feel differently after you have a nice cup of coffee down your

Ha,

Earthlings.

Go figure.

Something terrible has happened. My mom and my best friend have yellow eyes and

they're drinking down their pants.

Wait a minute. I find this a little hard to believe.

Your mother wears pants?

that flying saucer.

Maybe they have invaded.

Maybe the aliens have taken over my mom and my best friend.

Take it easy, kid. If you keep talking crazy like this, I'm going to have to

shoot you and plant a weapon.

It's an old cop joke.

Look, you don't understand.

We're talking about flying stinking saucers here. We're talking about those

nearest and dearest to me.

Coffee?

What are you talking about? I'm pouring out my soul to you.

Cream of sugar?

I do.

Grata. Victor.

Officer, it's one of them.

Teddy, it's Mr.

Biden.

Oh, the horror!

Call headquarter.

always knew what to do. And best of all, he only drank decaf.

The minutes will be adopted. As read, so ordered, so done.

Pop! Pop! We gotta get out of here before they get us. Who? Them.

Jason, you're interrupting a very important meeting here on the Committee

Male Bonding.

Well, aliens from outer space have invaded people's bodies, and they've got

Oh, Pasha, lad, your mom's on her way to Buffalo.

No, she's not. She threw away her plane ticket and said that money doesn't

matter.

That's not your mother.

Exactly.

believe me, Pop. You're my last hope.

Son, I believe you.

Oh, thank God.

Gentlemen, we have a serious problem here.

My son has discovered aliens among us.

Yeah,

we've got to warn the whole rest of the country.

Good thinking. Pickering, you're in charge.

We're off to warn the president.

We'll go even if we have to drive all night.

Oh, I knew I could count on you, Pop. And if we have to drive all night, we'll

need plenty of coffee.

One of us? He's our leader.

Stop struggling.

You'd feel much better if you joined.

Jason, wasn't your story a little too intense for the children? I'm a

professional psychiatrist, Maggie. I think I know what kids can handle. They

know the difference between reality and fantasy.

So, Dad, did the president believe your story?

What did you think, Chrissy?

I think Halloween is ruined.

Oh, no it isn't, honey.

Well, if you really love me, you'll make it stop raining.

Oh, sweetheart, you're going to forget all about the rain when you hear my

story. Because it's not merely entertaining, it's educational as well.

Zip.

You're going to suffer through this with the rest of us.

And I mean suffering in that, you know, zany kind of family way.

Okay, Chrissy, this is a story about a girl. A perfect little girl just like

you. Who one evening went trick -or -treating with her mom.

A wonderful woman who was warm and caring and loads of fun.

Just like me.

So she rang the bell of this house with walls made of, um, what's that stuff

called? Stucco?

No, not stucco. Flat.

Siding.

No, not siding. It's like siding, but different.

Maggie, nothing's like siding, but different. Jason, who's telling the

Nobody right now.

Shingles. You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure it was Shingles.

Finally.

No, it was Bricks.

I have something very special for you, my little vermin.

I'm so glad I took every fair moment of the last six months making that costume.

I've got to give this a shot.

Hop, honey. Do it for mother.

One more hop.

Sweetheart, this is all... Almost as much candy as last year.

Mommy, you know I'd trade all this candy for a hug from you.

Oh, honey, you don't need to trade a thing.

It's a beautiful, warm, loving world.

And I don't need any of this candy until we have an X -ray.

Oh, I won't.

Then the mother thought to herself, what kind of a mother was she? She forgot to

kiss her daughter goodnight.

What kind of a mother am I? I forgot to kiss my daughter goodnight.

You didn't say anything about apples with susans in them.

And why was it in danger?

Because you didn't listen.

And appreciate your mom.

She's the only one you'll ever have.

Amen.

I'm starting to get an idea of why your writing career hasn't taken off.

Dad, don't be so rude. Your mother's story was very... I'll get it.

If that's my blind date calling to cancel, tell him I'm not here.

Hello? Tell him I'm out with somebody incredibly good -looking.

Yes. Tell him I pity him for what he's missed.

I'll be waiting for your call.

Well? It wasn't him.

I know it was, Dad. You don't have to lie to protect me.

I'm okay.

I'm not lying.

Then why are you getting me so upset, Dad?

Who was it, Jason?

Nobody. Say, you know what would make this evening perfect?

Something in the kitchen.

Something in the kitchen?

Get off your duff, come on, and follow me.

What's going on?

That was Eddie on the phone. Mike was supposed to pick him up a half an hour

ago, and he hasn't shown.

He hasn't? Well, maybe we should call... Look.

Has he got yellow eyes?

Maggie, I'm serious.

Okay, everybody. Even though it's the middle of summer, next week you still

to see...

Part two of our Halloween adventure and find out the answers to these questions.

Did Mike ever make it to Eddie's?

Mommy.

Whatever happened to Carol's date? Is he another loser?

Does Mom get to bore us to tears with another story?

Does Mike get to bore us with another date with Kate?

And who's the mysterious stranger?

Find out all the answers next week.

When do you hear the endings?

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