Original subtitles

Brian, why's the TV off?

Because I turned it off. Oh, God, I thought it was broken.

Why, uh, why did you turn it off?

Because I'm studying equations.

Oh, well, I got one for you.

My finger plus this red button equals the sum of my existence.

I can only find the marathon.

Is it watching a marathon kind of boring?

Not if it's the Planet of the Apes marathon.

People running, boring.

People running from talking apes, awesome.

I mean, these movies are kind of fascinating.

I mean, they ask the audience to consider an alternative evolutionary

Ha -ha, a monkey in a doctor's outfit.

All right.

Hey, how was the sale?

It was like a war.

Shoving, grabbing, pushing.

I hope you didn't hurt anyone.

Mom was great. Every time somebody had something that I wanted, she tricked

and got it for me. How does she do that?

Ew, ew, ew, give me that.

What? Like that.

Ah, you're learning, honey. Next time we go shopping, I'm going to teach you the

symptoms of hypoglycemia. People about to faint go to the front of the line.

Hi, Daddy.

Can I watch TV with you? Oh, I don't know, sweetie. This is kind of a grown

science fiction movie. Might be a little scary for you.

Look, that monkey's in a Dr. Xena form.

Well, at least I know one of them's mine.

You can read me, baby, like an open book. Got me ten black flags with only

one look. Now when the lights go down, and when it comes to you and me,

girl, ooh, you turn me in.

I'm going into work on a Saturday and you're just going to sit here all day

watch Planet of the Apes?

Ah, what's the point in knocking yourself out? In a hundred million

apes are going to be calling the shots anyway.

Looks like they are right now.

Hey, hey, what's in the sack?

Oh, my dirty clothes.

Can't use the laundry room in my building. Some creep keeps sneaking in

and taking my underwear.

Doesn't he know all he has to do is buy you a drink?

You know, the sad thing is the panty thief's the closest thing I've had to a

relationship in months. It's not like about the time with the hours I've been

working lately.

But you're getting that promotion so you wouldn't have to work so hard.

No, I didn't get it. They gave it to the new paralegal who's got a better pair

and is barely legal.

Linda, that is terrible.

Yeah, keep your chins up.

And on top of that, I put on five pounds.

Bill, I need you to do me a favor.

Judy, it's my weekend. I don't want to clean the gutters. I need you to be nice

to Linda today.

Can I just clean the gutters?

Bill, I mean it. She's having a rough time right now. She really wanted that

promotion. It's pathetic. She's not even fighting back when you sling a murk. I

don't mind. It's still fun.

Bill, please, just throw her a bone.

How about a frisbee?

Lay off the insult. All right, I'll be nice to her, but what do I get out of

You continue to cash in on the lucky break you caught in high school.

I like to think of it as the other way around. It's not true, but that's how I

like to think of it.

See?

of the apes? Oh, it's the news.

Run, Linda, run!

Hey, Bill, I get it. I'll leave you alone.

You know what?

Stay and watch it with me.

All right.

My commercial's so gross. Can you imagine something that irritating that

won't go away?

Oh, I have no idea what that'll be like.

Hey, you know, I'm going to go out and grab something to eat. Is there anything

around here that's fast and cheap?

Bill? Hello?

Fast and cheap?

write a paper on someone in my family who's my role model, and it's due on

Monday. Hey, you know what, Phil? Don't make anything. I gotta go to the store

anyway. My milk's sour, and my eggs are all way past the expiration date.

Come on, Dad.

It'll only take a couple hours. Hey, why don't you ask your Aunt Linda?

Why? Well, she's going through a rough time right now. It might be nice to

her a bone. Not a frisbee, a bone.

Why do I have to throw her a bone?

You know what? I'm bringing back the old -fashioned because I said so. Linda?

What? Lauren has to do a paper on a role model for school, and she's chosen you.

Me?

Really? A role model? Wow, that's so flattering.

Although I've always sensed that you look up to me a little. You know, you

have to do this if you don't really want to. I mean, you have to answer a bunch

of questions.

My whole day is free.

And now so is mine.

Did I put that under achievements or hobbies?

Well, two were achievements.

Four were hobbies, and one was to make a Steve jealous, of which I've had four.

Okay.

Is there anything that you do for fun that you wish you could do for a living?

I mean, other than dating.

Okay, well, there's just one thing, but I don't know. It's kind of silly.

What is it?

Okay, goose clothes.

Plastic white geese people have on their porches or front yards.

Sometimes people dress them up in little outfits.

Haven't you seen the goose in the bikini I made for your mother?

No, I think I'd remember that. Yeah.

You know what? She's probably storing it in the basement for the winter. Hey,

Aunt Linda, we don't have to do this right now. We can talk about it. There

is. It's strange. It was on the stairs in a box marked donate.

The thing I found that someone could have accidentally given it away.

Yeah, it's one of the first ones I've made. I've gotten better.

It's kind of cute.

Really? Yeah, especially for something I thought was insane like 30 seconds ago.

Well, thank you. I don't think my mom ever puts that on the front porch.

Well, she was probably afraid it would get stolen.

Hey, who's the new chick?

Actually, Aunt Linda's new business idea.

It's not an actual business yet, but I could make it one. I mean, lots of

sell them. I was thinking about getting a booth at a swap meet, but I just don't

think I can do it alone.

Well, you know, maybe I could help you. Really?

Yeah. I mean, I'm always coming up with good ideas for clothes.

Look at what I doodled on the questionnaire while you were talking

boyfriend.

That's so cute.

As far as I'm concerned, the only thing you should dress a goose in is a gravy

sport coat and sweet potato slacks.

It's going to be so much fun.

What's going to be so much fun?

Well, Lauren picked me to be her role model. Now she's going to help me make

goose clothes.

Wow.

How long have I been gone?

Judy, I found the goose that I made you in a box marked donate.

Oh.

No. I wanted to donate the box.

You know what? You and I should go up and look at the computer and I can show

you all the goose clothes websites. Come on. Okay.

Lauren has to do a paper on a role model for school, and she's doing it on

Linda. Wow, she chose Linda to be her role model? I wonder why she didn't ask

me. Believe me, you wouldn't have wanted it. She asked me, but there were a lot

of questions involved. And as you know, I'm a very private person.

I have to beg you to close the bathroom door.

Judy, the only reason she asked Linda is because you told me to throw Linda a

bone, and that bone was Lauren.

Oh, so you told her to pick Linda. Well, that makes sense. Way to go, Bill. I

owe you one. Oh, no need to thank me. Just meet me upstairs.

Wearing this.

The hat, too?

Especially the hat.

Hey, there you are. Look what I have. It's a special invitation to a warehouse

shoe clearance at Shoe Clearance Warehouse.

I can't go, Mom. We're finishing up our outfit for Goose Springsteen.

Here's the bandana.

Lauren, you've got a great imagination. You're so creative.

I guess you'd take after your aunt.

Aunt Linda thinks I could be a fashion designer.

Yeah, and dressing geese is great practice because a lot of women are

top and big on the bottom.

It's like she's doing it on purpose.

Would you mind if I take a look at some of Tina's old baby clothes? Maybe some

of them can be altered for the geese.

Oh, sure, why not? Oh, there's a little sailor suit that would be perfect.

Oh, Judy, a goose in a sailor suit?

It's kind of obvious, don't you think?

All right, Lauren, I know how you got roped in to asking Aunt Linda to be your

role model, but if you don't want to do this goose clothes idea, you don't have

to. No, I really want to.

Oh, right. What was I thinking saying that about your Aunt Linda? She's not

there.

these outfits are really fun and plus aunt linda is going to pay me five

for every outfit i sell that's why i quit my babysitting job you quit your

babysitting job what do you have to fall back on if this doesn't work out the

fact that i'm 14 and you kind of legally have to take care of me okay i got the

baby clothes i'll run it to the car and get the rest of the stuff

Oh, Linda, Lauren seems really excited about your little side business.

Yeah, isn't it great?

Yeah, I'm just worried that maybe she's focusing on it a little too much. I

mean, she did give up her babysitting job, which was a real job for this,

which... What?

Well, what's going to happen to Lauren if your idea, you know... Phil?

Phil? Is that what you want to say? Phil?

Well, you have had a few other money -making schemes that didn't exactly work

out.

There was that summer that you were going to sell candles, but you left them

the trunk of your car.

You had one giant candle with 200 wicks, which I still use.

Oh, and then the time you were going to be a caricature artist at kiddie

parties. I don't know why those parents got so mad. I mean, I'm not a

photographer. If their kid has a big nose, I'm going to draw it like a

I try things, and like some people, that's put to me. Well, you know, I... I

myself out there, okay? Don't judge me because you've settled.

Settled? Judy, you're not exactly blazing a big trail.

Oh, yeah.

Stuffing a goose in a cocktail dress. That's living on the edge.

Some of us have responsibilities, Linda. Or excuses.

I mean, Judy, you used to be so creative. Now you don't even have a

unless you count bubble bursting.

Oh, Linda has dreams.

You're just lashing out at me because I'm telling you what you don't want to

hear. Face it, you are never going to get your life together until you stop

grabbing at those crazy schemes that go nowhere.

Oh, wait. We're back to telling Linda what we really think about her. Let me

my notes.

Oh,

my

God. It's finally happened.

Planet of the geese.

Yeah, I think we're all set up.

What's going on?

Brian's taking pictures for our goose clothes website.

And I have one of you wearing a tiny goose bonnet while you were sleeping,

that's for my website.

What's all this?

Well, we were such a big hit at the swap meet that Brian is helping us set up a

website so we can sell goose clothes online.

What? You were a hit?

Yeah. I made $80.

Sure beats babysitting.

goose -feeled ball and gander claws.

Hey, Judy. Hey.

You look nice.

Thanks.

Bought it today. Brian's gonna take my pictures for, uh, lindasgoothclothes

.com. Was isellcrap .com already taken?

Hey, I'm back.

Can I talk to you for a second? Sure.

Listen, I feel terrible, though. what happened the other day, and I just don't

want us to be fighting.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Obviously, I was wrong, and your idea was good, and I shouldn't have made fun

it. Thanks.

That means a lot to me.

And everything I said about you being too afraid to live your dreams, I didn't

mean it. You have a great life with Bill and the kids. Not everyone has to be

creative. Hey, look at the picture Brian took of me wearing the little hat.

I look like a giant baby.

Well, you do eat every two hours.

So, uh, you and Linda made up? Yeah.

Good. Glad everything's all right now.

Yeah, everything's fine.

Uh -oh.

When did I stop taking chances and become someone who has settled for so

Good thing I don't have feelings.

It's not just you. It's the whole life we've built together.

Oh, yeah, that takes the thing out.

Every day the same thing. Get up, go to work.

Make a meal, have sex, get up, go to work, make a meal, have sex. Oh, honey,

you're looking at it the wrong way. You get up, go to work, make a meal, have

sex.

And, uh, by the way, who's this guy you're having sex with after every meal?

You know what I mean.

No wonder Lauren didn't pick me for a role model. I don't take risks. You take

plenty of risks. You married a guy with almost no marketable skills.

creative, and then, you know, I take the first safe job that comes along. Well,

Judy, if you want to do something creative, then do it. I'll support you

Really? Because I was thinking of Adirondack chairs.

You want to dress up Adirondack chairs.

No, we'll make them. Remember we bought that kit and you built them and I hand

-painted them with vines and flowers?

Oh, yeah, that was a bitch. What else you got?

Oh, it was great.

People constantly ask my parents where they bought them. We could build a whole

bunch and sell them at the same swap meet where Linda sells her goose

You sure you're not just doing this to compete with your sister?

No, no, of course not. If I was going to compete with my sister, I don't know,

I'd put shoes on chickens.

Judy, you already have such a full life. You know, getting up, going to work,

making a meal, having sex.

Bill, if I end up building the chairs by myself, you're going to end up doing

one of those things by yourself.

I choose which one because I really can't cook.

Okay, I got the last chair kit out of the van and my last vertebrae out of

alignment.

So how's it going?

Great. You're really enjoying it, great, or it's almost out of your system,

great?

You said if I did something creative, you'd support me. I was kind of hoping

were all talk.

Well, I'm not, so what do you think?

Oh, it's, uh, fine.

Fine?

Well, let me sit down and rest the huge head I just got from that big, giant

compliment.

I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying if you're going to paint all that ivy,

you want to, you know, balance it out with flowers.

Hello, what are these?

Oh, I thought those were lollipops.

Lollipops? Why would I put lollipops on a vine?

I don't know.

Lollipops on ivy and gumdrops on kittens. Isn't that a song?

Okay, Bill, you obviously don't have the artistic eye that I have, so you just

build the chairs and leave the creative stuff up to me. Fine.

Oh, you know what would be good, though? One with clouds.

You want me to paint clouds on a chair? Please tell me how that makes sense.

Well, how does a lollipop bush make sense on a chair? It's Ivy!

It's Ivy!

Yoo -hoo!

Oh, my God!

These look so great!

Wow, Lauren told me all about your chair project.

I'm so proud of you. Look at you following through.

Thanks. Oh, and this is neat.

some stuff to do to get ready. We want to get there early so we can get a good

booth. Well, Bill and I are going to get there super early.

In fact, Bill's going to load the van tonight.

Bill who?

Hey, Greg, what's he at the meet?

He at the meet.

Listen to her using that lingo like she's queen of the swap meet. I'll show

who's not creative.

Okay, I'm still on super early and loading the van tonight.

Just help me get the chairs up the stairs and then you can take a break.

Great.

Funny, I was going to say the same thing to you.

Good thing we were able to take apart these chairs and reassemble them up

huh? Yeah, good thing.

And we.

Hey, Mom. I need you to sign this for school.

Oh, your role model paper.

You got an A.

Good for you.

Yep, guess my teacher liked it.

She must have been impressed with your choice of role model.

Mom, you really don't need to read that.

Why not?

Well, I kind of had to fudge some of the facts about Aunt Linda.

I mean, once you get past the goose clothes, there's really not much to work

with.

So I ended up turning her into a combination of Gwen Stefani, Maya

you.

Me?

I'm a third of your role model?

Yeah. I mean, you work really hard to keep the house going in junk.

I'm just doing what a mom does.

Yeah, but besides that, you also have a full -time job.

Plus, you made this great chair.

I mean, I didn't know you could paint so well. This one with the lollipops is

awesome.

Yeah, everyone keeps going on and on about that one.

Do you think you could help me paint my headboard like this?

Sure. Yeah, except for a headboard, I'm thinking more like clouds.

See? Where do you come up with this stuff?

It's the kids.

Well, I gotta run. Aunt Linda's gonna pick me up for the swap meet. Okay,

Okay,

one more and the van will be loaded.

After the swap meet, so will I.

Actually, Bill, I don't think we need to sell the chairs anymore.

What?

It's not so important now.

Lauren just told me she admires me.

Yeah, but what about creative fulfillment?

My daughter admires me.

She wants to be me, Gwen Stefani, and that lady who's always on Oprah.

She wants to be Oprah?

No, if I meant Oprah, I wouldn't have said the woman who's always on Oprah. I

would have said Oprah.

See, this is why I'm the role model.

I mean, maybe I don't take risks, but I am running this whole operation.

My daughter is amazed by me, and frankly, so am I.

Well, that's great. I'm happy for you and your full amazing life.

Now get your full amazing ass in the van I just loaded.

You think I also have an amazing ass? Yep. You're going to use it to sell

chairs. Now go, go.

My role model has a very full life. She's very nurturing.

She has an amazing singing voice.

And the role of a poet that speaks to a woman's experience.

Wow.

Did Lauren capture me or what?

Well, it's about time somebody captured you.

I'm hoping. I've got a date with a new Glenn, so... Oh, they say it's a charm.