Original subtitles

Want anything special for your birthday, Bill?

Yeah, but you might find it dirty and degrading.

I'm not changing the oil in your car.

Whatever.

Come on, it's a big one. You're turning 40. Oh, don't remind me. My life is like

one -third over.

Look, I found this list I made 20 years ago. All the things I promised myself

I'd do before I hit 40.

At this point, I'm pretty sure you could play drums with REO Speedwagon.

Go down to the county fair and ask them.

Not just that. Look, whitewater rafting, enter a triathlon.

I keep postponing all my dreams. You know, I originally made this list for

I turn 30. See how I just changed the 3 to a 4?

So change the 4 to a 5.

I don't think just changing a number again is going to... Ah, I do feel

Although a whitewater rafting trip would be fun.

Honey, pace yourself. We got ten years.

You can read me, baby, like an open book. Stop me dead my tracks with only

one look. Now when the lights go down.

And when it comes to you and me, girl. Ooh, you turn me inside out.

I'm still in love with you today.

Cause you make me happy.

for Friday night, Bill's birthday dinner, the whole family.

Yeah, Friday's not so good for me.

Perfect, Friday it is.

So where are you taking him? Bill's favorite restaurant, Beefy's

Beefy's Porterhouse, Beefy's Porterhouse.

Is that that restaurant with the sign that has the smiling cow

begging you to eat him?

That's Beefy.

I'll be having the turf and turf with the sirloin soup, one of those steak

salads, and some kind of wine that has beef in it.

My friend Sammy had a pony on her birthday.

I'll stick with the steak.

Hey, Dad, just for your birthday this year, Tina and I are going to bake you a

cake. From scratch. Thank you, girls.

Oh, that is so sweet.

I actually think I may cry.

Don't cry, Bill. There will be a backup cake.

Thank God. They're nice girls, but you don't screw around with cake.

All right, Bill. Since I'm going to miss out on you and B .T., I guess I'd

better give you my present now. And believe me, it wasn't easy shopping for

man who needs everything.

Bar certificate for a day of beauty.

Linda, this is great. When are you going?

Uh, you're welcome.

And, uh, you know, you can get a facial manicure, pedicure, whatever.

It's really more of a present for Judy. I mean, she's the one with the day in,

day out front row seat for that.

Hey, hey, now cut it out. I'm completely happy with the way Bill looks.

Brian?

What is that smell?

Okay, is Brian wearing a whole lot of really, really bad cologne?

Oh, it's like the old... My ship came in with a full catch.

I gave him a bottle of some stuff with a horse on it. Are you sure it didn't

have the horse in it?

I'll be upstairs.

Thanks. Yep. Son.

Oh, sweet.

Jesus.

The time has come to sit the boy down and teach him how to properly apply

cologne. It should go like this, not this.

Try not to hurt his feelings. Yeah, but make it clear that less is... more, and

that more could kill us.

Wish me luck.

I'm going in.

Hey there, Joe.

Hey, Dad.

Brian, Brian, stop moving around. You're creating a breeze.

What?

Son, sit down. There's something important we need to talk about.

When a young boy grows up, the world opens up for him.

Like this window.

Dad, it's freezing.

Yeah, yeah, about that. You stink.

What? Oh, no, not you. The cologne.

Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing.

Is it really that noticeable?

Come on, you can talk to me. What's going on?

Well, the thing is, I started wearing cologne after gym class.

Because I perspire so much.

Brian, Brian, you're just like me. You got the Miller engine.

The Miller engine?

Miller men are sweaters.

This powerful engine throws a lot of heat.

I wear antiperspirant.

Antiperspirant. Good luck. Why not try sprinkling pixie dust on your pits?

No, no. After exercise, you gotta take that shower seriously. Get into all the

creases. Double back if you have to.

It's just, I'm not really all that crazy about showering with the other guys.

Brian, you're not showering at all, are you?

Not at school.

It's just lately in the locker room, I look up and I notice I'm different from

the other guys.

Hey, you're the one looking around.

It's not it. It's my body.

Not the same as most of them. You know, in places.

Places?

Oh, places.

Yeah, that's rough.

You're self -conscious and dressing in front of the other guys because some of

you have places and some of you have places.

Well, yeah.

I just don't know what to do.

Now, what would happen if you just took your shower after all the other guys?

You know, stall around the gym somehow. You could help the coach put away

equipment. And then just take my shower after they've all gotten dressed?

Yeah, after all the balls have been put away. That could actually work. It might

make me a little late for calculus class. Okay, so you found another

This is great. I'm really glad I can come to you with this. You know, guy

No problem, son. You can come to me anytime.

Thanks, Dad.

There you go.

So, how'd it go? Great.

Turns out the cologne was merely a smoke screen for a much more delicate

problem, which, if I do say so myself, I handled competently.

Competently? Wow.

Proud words from a miller.

What was the problem?

It seems our son's been skipping his showers in the locker room.

Yeah, why would he do that?

Well, Brian's at that tender age where some boys are changing and some boys

aren't. And the boys who aren't changing don't like changing right there in

front of the changing ones.

Oh, so you're saying Brian's a little behind the other boys?

How much behind?

Oh, I would guess he's like that roll of film you've been carrying around in

your purse since last Christmas.

Oh, undeveloped.

35 millimeters.

Exactly.

I feel so bad for him, standing in the shower all scrawny and pale.

I'd better go up there and talk him through this.

I said I handled it. But, Bill, this is serious. A locker room can be a very

traumatic place. Oh, yeah, you're right. And which one of us has spent more time

in a high school boy's locker room?

Okay, that's a toss -up. My point is, I already talked to him.

Okay, you've been doing this dad thing long enough to fly solo once in a while.

Thank you. I mean, I'm sure you told Brian that he's bound to catch up with

other boys in time.

Well, not in so many words.

Well, I'm sure you told him that he shouldn't feel weird that being a

It's perfectly normal.

Okay, you weren't in that room. You weren't breathing that smell.

I'd better go talk to him. No.

Bill, you left out a few things that he needs to hear. You can't treat this like

a mother -daughter talk where you sip tea and discuss every little feeling.

Men communicate differently, usually through a series of grunts, gestures,

the occasional limerick.

But I talk to him about everything.

Well, not anymore. Face it, Judy, one of the little girls you raised is finally

turning into a man. You're out. I'm in. I'll see you at the wedding.

Okay, he's got 21, and Dad is turning 40. That means we still need 18 more

candles. 19.

Very good. I was just texting you.

Hi, Lauren.

That's Becca's mom. I gotta go. Have a good day, sweetie.

Better not forget your math book.

There he is.

There's my little bribe ride.

I mean, my big bri -bri.

I mean, my handsome, masculine son who's perfect exactly as he is.

Good morning.

I made you a very healthy lunch. I also put an article in there from one of my

magazines, something you might be interested in. Okay, gotta go.

Love the bod you're in.

Take sexy strategies to feel better in the buff.

What, son?

Oh, wait, let me check.

Mmm, just like a meadow in Ireland.

Dad, Mom put an article in my lunch today. Apparently she thinks I'm having

kind of problem.

Lip gloss tips for pouty, kissable lips.

She's nuts. Your lips are plenty kissable.

Oh. You told Mom about our talk, didn't you? Son, you have to know by now, I

don't keep any secrets from your mother.

Well, any of your secrets.

Dad, I thought I said this was guy stuff. And that's what I told your

that we could handle this on our own.

By the way, you're perfectly normal, everyone's different, and something

This is so humiliating. How could you tell her?

You've got to relax about the shower.

It's not like it's some kind of competition.

There's always going to be that one guy in there who's swinging the bigger bat.

Yeah, but why does it have to be me?

Well, life isn't fair.

Don't you think for one second that... Wait a second,

excuse me. What did you just say? Why am I always the one who stands out from

the group? I stand out in math class, I stand out in science, and now I stand

out in the showers.

Yeah, but this is something you'll actually use after high school.

Oh, this is terrific.

I mean, it's terrific you felt you could tell me. Yeah, and you blabbed it all

to Mom. How can I ever face her again?

No, your mom doesn't know this part. I just told her you were shy in the locker

room. And you don't think she'll be able to figure out why?

I don't see her guessing this one.

Can this just stay between me and you, please, Dad? Because I feel like some

kind of freak. Of course, but trust me, as bad as you're feeling in the showers,

the guy standing next to you is feeling a lot worse.

But you think it's not a competition?

Unless you're the winner, my boy.

You look at these guys move. This team is on fire.

Yeah, the key to their success is the way all five guys work together.

The hairdressing guy's not making a move without consulting the fashion guy.

I could get one of those queer guys for an afternoon.

All I want are some slacks that flatter.

So, Dad, what do you think of our practice cake?

Uh, it's nice.

Except this piece tastes a little, uh, ringy.

Oh, gosh, actually, I think that's an earring. Oh, that must be mine.

Where's my other one?

Found it.

I'll get a vaccine a day or something.

Keep it. You sure? I mean, it could be as early as tonight.

Bill,

that was Brian's calculus teacher. He's been five minutes late for class every

day this week. Apparently, he's staying late at gym.

Well, five minutes isn't so bad. Everybody knows calculus doesn't get

interesting until, uh, ever.

Bill, did you tell him to take a shower after all the other boys have gone? Was

that your big fix?

It's one of the options I suggested.

Well, I guess now I've got to talk to him. No, no, no, no, no. Brian and I

work this out. He's a little sensitive about other people knowing his secret.

Bill, I know the secret.

Wait, what secret?

The thing is, Judy, you don't really.

What, it's not the thing you told me about?

It is kind of, but there's a little more to it.

A lot more to it.

What you told him? No, of course not.

No, he told Glenn. Glenn told me. You told Glenn? Okay, it's a guy thing, so I

told a couple of guys at work, but only guys.

Well, Aunt Sheila and housewares. But she has sons, and they all know, too.

All right, Bill, tell me what this big secret of Brian's is that everyone else

in the world knows but his mom.

All right, all right.

How can I put this?

Think back to when we first started dating.

A bunch of us hopped the fence and went skinny dipping up at the reservoir.

Yeah. Well, you saw something for the first time that night that I think left

very large impression on you.

That night, something impressive and large.

Something large.

My friend, Doug Coleman. Oh, my God, Doug Coleman.

Big Doug Coleman?

That's Brian's secret?

What, Brian is like Doug?

Apparently, he's a Doug and a half.

tell anybody. Why couldn't I just respect that?

Aw, Bill, we don't respect our kids.

Well, I think we have to start.

Oh, great.

It's like they're people now with their own thoughts and feelings.

I guess I just got used to when they were little and it was okay to laugh at

every little thing they did and said.

It's the whole reason I had children.

Don't worry, Bill. Brian will get over this before your birthday. Oh, God. I

don't feel like doing anything special tomorrow night.

Oh, come on. It's all planned.

No, I'll just celebrate my birthday the traditional way.

Going to three or four Denny's and getting my free birthday meals.

Denny's doesn't do that anymore.

Okay, this is the worst day of my life.

Hey.

I know you're angry at your dad, but it's not really fair. The truth is... I

forced him to tell me.

Why?

Well, I guess I felt a little hurt that you didn't feel you could come and talk

to me about this new development.

Mom, it's too weird.

That's the point, Brian. It doesn't have to be weird. You can talk to me about

anything. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

I mean, it's all a part of nature's beauty, boys and their equipment.

Ma. Oh, hon, I am a woman. I have seen one or two of them.

Ma. And I know that size gets a lot of press, but trust me, as a woman, it's

more about being gentle and sensitive to the needs of your... Okay, all right,

you know what? You're right.

This is weird. We can't talk about this.

And I guess that I'm going to have to be okay with that. But all the more reason

you need to make up with your father so that you have someone to share this

stuff with. No, no way. Dad is a big mouth jerk.

You look at me right now, young man. That man is still your father and he

you and wanted nothing more in this world than to help you through this

Well, he could have kept it to himself. I'm never talking to him again. Well,

you're going to have to because tomorrow is his birthday and we are celebrating

as a family whether you want to or not. Okay.

Okay. Now can you just leave me alone?

Sure. You know, I do know a little bit about what you're going through. I

remember the day that I started to develop.

Mom!

Dad, I told you I'm fine. I forgive you, okay? Now, can we just stop talking

about it? I know you're saying that, but I feel like there's still a problem

between us. And your mother must feel that way, too, because she asked me to

pick you up after practice so we can talk this through.

I'm gonna go watch TV. Brian, Brian, you're my only son.

It'd kill me to think that you could never trust me again.

I've been racking my brain to come up with some way of making this up to you.

Whatever, Dad.

I once ate dog food.

What?

I was a kid. It looked good.

I ate the whole can.

And I drank all the water in the bowl.

Why are you telling me this?

Look, I can't take back what I did to you, but maybe I can make it better by

telling you some secret of mine, something no one else knows and that'd

if it got out.

Dad, really, let's not do this right now. No, no, I want you to know that

not the only one who had some embarrassing teenage years.

Dad, please. Once, when I was your age, I felt nervous about a date, so...

I practice kissing on my German shepherd, Tessie.

So, first you ate all her food, and then you tried to make out with her.

I never told anyone that but you.

Oh, oh, here's another good one.

Sometimes when it's hot, I like to sleep in your mom's old maternity underwear.

They're roomy where I need the room, and they feel soft and silky against my

skin.

Wow.

I know.

Wow, I really forgive you.

I know I said it before, but now I really mean it.

Ah, thanks.

Come here, buddy.

And you feel okay talking to me about guy stuff?

Yeah, sure. After what you just told me, I'll never feel like a freak again.

I'm going to go find your mom and your sisters. I suddenly feel like a birthday

dinner after all.

And you just jumped out and yelled, surprise.

I wanted to, but a little voice kept saying, let's hear some more.

That voice was me.

You know, I don't think I could face him. I got pictures in my head. I

understand.

Maybe we all should... Good idea. Yeah.

Thanks for coming.

So, what are we going to say to the poacher smoocher?

happy birthday. We don't know anything.

Okay, absolutely.

Although I'll never look at Tessie the same way again.

Hey, Dad.

Anyone in the bathroom, clear out. I had a big lunch and I've been stuck in

traffic for 45 minutes.

Same time next Saturday?